Relationship Woes and Advice

[Tor the Fallen]

I'm going to take a gander and guess that it isn't normal to be slightly peeved and a bit scared upon realizing you've fallen in love, yes? Just curious. I mean, given my situation (particulars upon PM) it isn't really surprising. It just feels slightly wrong that I would tarnish what should be such a happy feeling (and it is most of the time) with something so...negative.

Not at all. The assumption of what love is, how people experience, and how it is expressed, has been grotesquely co-opted by virtually every social and cultural construct (right down to the heart shaped box vendors) for control over one of the most fundamental facets of human nature.

Love is powerful, and it gives you over to a lot of thngs you don't have control over. Another person, some pretty crazy and wild emotions. Fear's a pretty natural response to something of the magnitude of love. Sometimes it's an epic encounter and all you've got are NPC levels.

[Lord Iames Osari]

Hmrf. Anyone know how to dance? I've been to plenty of dances but I've always had the convenience of sitting out or at least drawing very little attention to myself while I dance. Unfortunately prom requires that I do some serious dancing with people and I don't have a clue how to dance.

Probably not a big deal, but I don't want to remember myself as the guy who stood in the nerd corner at prom. Not that being a nerd is a bad thing, but I just feel like I'd have missed out.

I guess I could always just do the low-profile thing where I copy the girl and sway with the music but it would be nice if I actually knew how to dance.

For slow dancing: it's pretty simple, if you can't sway a little bit and turn in a circle at the same time, well, I don't know that anything I can say here can help you out there.

For the other kind of dancing: I had the same issue, and I really only got over it at my senior semiformal. But, if you have any friends who enjoy dancing, imitate what they do, and stay near them. They'll draw the most attention and provide a sort of guide for you to follow.

[The Prince of Cats]

If you'd rather not make it public, I will compile a list in this thread of people who will accept PM's to give advice.

I can give advice; I can't promise to sugar-coat it, but I can offer advice.

My problem is that I have difficulty meeting women.

Join an amateur theatre group. That way, you also get to go 'hands on' with a few possible matches too. I have never known an actor (amateur or pro) who was not inundated with eligible matches.

I met my wife when we were in the same theatre company, back when I was professional, so I know it works.

Unfortunately prom requires that I do some serious dancing with people and I don't have a clue how to dance.

Slow-dance? Easy...

Move in time with the music. Find a friend (preferably female, but a male friend confident of his sexuality could suffice) and practice moving in time to music. Start with swaying if you must, then move on to moving feet. Mainly (and this is why I suggest a female friend), you want a reasonable amount of physical closeness and synchronised movement. Dips and twirls are all very well, but they are bad for closeness. Slow dancing is a mobile hug, not a martial-art.

Alternatively, watch others dancing at the prom, then join in and try to copy the people who had simple but graceful steps...

Okay, this is gonna be awkward and probably bad advice to some people, but ask your mom. She most likely knows how to dance, at least well enough so that you don't make yourself feel like a fool.

Well, I suppose my mum taught me to pogo (she was a punk) but anything beyond bouncing and spitting is a little outside her area of expertise.

I'm obviously going to check, though, to see if there are even some good options. As there aren't any anime movies (she's an anime fan) out, I'm falling back to comedies, probably Hot Fuzz.

My sister works in a cinema and recommends Wild Hogs, but I am not sure if it is showing where you are.

Third, obviously the date isn't going to be the movie and nothing else.

In many cases, it might have been. My first ever date was just a film and then home. The cinema had these seats that were curved, so you couldn't really interact with the person next to you without losing the blood-supply to your arm.

[Lord Iames Osari]

Slow dancing is a mobile hug, not a martial-art.

So very true.

[Khantalas]

Slow dancing is a mobile hug, not a martial-art.

Not if you do it with your sparring partner. Then you instinctively move to a shiho nage position.

I'll never be able to apologize to her enough.

[The Prince of Cats]

Not if you do it with your sparring partner. Then you instinctively move to a shiho nage position.

I'll never be able to apologize to her enough.

I would assume that was a joke, but I have a strangest feeling it really did happen. I know I have dropped into en-garde before now when half-asleep and playing badminton. I mean, these actions are supposed to be instinctive, so it does happen...

[Khantalas]

It did not happen while dancing, no. That was a joke.

It did happen, though.

[Nerzi]

My tiny bit of woe:

Me and my boyfriend have been together over two years now (apart from that one month but best not to talk about that) and I love him but not, I'm fairly certain, as much as he loves me (somehow relationships always turn out this way with me, I'm just coldhearted I reckon).
Now atm everything is all hunky dory and good. But in september I'm going to university (hopefully, need to get the grades first) and moving to Wales (again only if I get the grades) while he will be going to do a placement year somewhere (he's got offers all over the UK and some from abroad) as a motor engeneer.
Now personaly, much as I love him, I really do not want to be in a serious long distance relationship for my first year at university. I want to be free to enjoy the perks of uni life and tying myself down at 18 with such a serious relationship comitment does not appeal at all, I love my independance.
Thing is he stayed with me when he went off to university almost two years ago so I feel a little bad about these thoughts. Now we haven't talked about this situation all really, well not about what'll happen to 'us' but I get the impression that he thinks we're going to attempt a long distance thing, which makes me feel extra guilty. Thing is I'm reluctant to broach the subject with him because a) I don't talk feelings, not really, it's just something I don't do, b) September is still a long way off and I may change my mind as the time nears and don't want to cause any unecessary tension in our relationship if I do end up changing my mind c) if I mention it now he may figure there's not much future in the relationship and cut it off now, which I don't want, I want to enjoy our last few months together and d) the grades I need to get into uni are really high, if I don't meet them I'll probably end up stuck in this s-hole for another year, and some of his placements he's considering are fairly near so there would be no problem and again it would be causing him uneeded stress if it turns out I don't get the grades.
This isn't so much looking for advice (though feel free to give it if you want) as a sort of rant, most of my close friends are in serious relationships and are almost all gunna attempt long distance (one of my friends who was adamant she wasn't has now completely changed her mind) so they're not especially understanding of my independant thing. Also they're almost equaly close to my boyfriend as they are to me and much as I'm reluctant to talk to him about it it'd be far worse for one of them to let slip to him before I'm ready to broach the subject.


Ok...that rant over something less serious and far more funny:
He drunkenly kissed one of his male friends the other night and then pecked my female friend on the lips and is now begging for forgiveness. Why I'm not quite sure...there's not anything to forgive, it's just funny...Bless...Silly drunkard

[TheBoneSplitter]

I'll give advice for the fun of it, as a bit of a conscious in check type of thing:

Send him a letter, at least very soon describing all of those emotions. Tell him that you want to value whatever you may do in University (save for um, you know, viciously cheating or doing something down the road that'll be rather bad for your emotional health) and that you want at the very least, a break from all that he's done for you and you for him. The seperation is usually intended for most couples to at least go about different pathos of life for the time being, and if you've spent a bit of time with him, maybe it would be necessary to pursue the break. If you sincerely love him and perhaps want to live it out in the later years, tell him within the letter. Otherwise, you could want to be friends with him, yadda yadda yadda, the preference is up to you. If you do this, and when you do go to uni (if so), then don't feel constricted to him unless there's a way you can send letters back and forth. Moreover, you've got enough time to seriously think about it, and it won't be a huge life changing thing if you choose to cut the relationship and just be friends (or to sever contacts with both ends hopefully on good terms.) It all depends on how you've taken things with him, and how the best logical step to end it would be.

I could think a little more on this, but I've just woken up... and it's best I got it out now than late when I'm more lazy than not. :P

[Nerzi]

Oh I have no doubt we'll stay good friends when we split up. We got on fine during our split in december (which had been intended to be permanent). Unless one of does something to completely devalue what we had I see no reason not to stay friends, after all we've had to drift away from each other just cause we're no longer kissing and 'stuff' seems very stupid to me. I've never got couples that hate each other after they break up.

Much as I love him I cannot see us ending up together in the long run, and neither can he, which'll make it easier when we get to talking it over. I'd murder him out of sheer fraustration, or he'd murder me, one or the other. We might casualy hook up again on holidays or something but if we split up before I go to uni it will definitely be permanent.

I hate writting letters, even more than I hate opening up to people so when I do this It's gunna be in person rather than anything else. letter, emails, texts and stuff all seem a bit spineless ways of doing it. But then again I may be biased against the writen medium for stuff like this after my first ever boyfriend broke up with me via a very heartfelt but terribly gramaticaly incorrect email and then asked me back out by an equaly heeartfelt letter with almost illegible spelling shoved through my door at 1AM. They were both so badly written and overemotional and clingy that it made me question why I'd been with the boy in the first place (answer: he's a lovely friend and drop dead gorgeous, prettiest boy I know actually)

[Tor the Fallen]

Distance will make division convenient.

[Parallax]

Nerzi, your tirade has more red flags than a communist parade. Since you're only 18 and by your description your boyfriend seems older (read, more experienced) I'll show them to you so you can make your own decision.
Jigsaw puzzle piece #1: You believe your boyfriend cares about you more than you care about him. You need to seriously ask yourself where that impression is coming from and whether it's substantiated.
JPP #2: Your boyfriend is looking for jobs all over England, and even abroad.
JPP #3: He got back with you after you broke up even though you may have to start a long-distance relationship soon.
JPP #4: You live in the middle of nowhere.
Trouble assembling it? Read the solution.

Spoiler

Show

Your boyfriend plans on leaving, and leaving you behind. He will remain with you for as long as it's convenient and then dump you. He might even do worse: NOT break up with you but keep you on the back burner at home so he's got something to do on the weekends when he visits his family. After you guys broke up, he realized that romantic prospects in your town are few and far-between and decided that you'd be an acceptable temporary solution until something better comes along.
All this is assuming, of course, that you'll keep your laissez-faire attitude, get crummy grades and not get into university.
Don't feel guilty, he's in the relationship for the exact same reason you are. What you need to think about is yourself, or rather, since you're already thinking only about yourself, what you need to do is stop beating yourself up for it.

[Mick_the_Rogue]

Had a girlfriend about 4 or 5 weeks ago, there was a break up, that was fun...Anyhow, I'm more or less back to normal and willing to get back in the game, my problem is just finding someone that I'd like to get with...Not really a big problem and I'm in no rush, just sort of disheartening to not really have anyone to pine over (though it does have it's benefits, such as burping and farting at random intervals and no one truely caring)

[Nerzi]

Hmmm interesting to see the conclusion you've managed to draw about him with minimal information.

Jigsaw puzzle piece #1: You believe your boyfriend cares about you more than you care about him. You need to seriously ask yourself where that impression is coming from and whether it's substantiated.

Oh believe me I have questioned it a lot and found it sustantiated. I've stated that he loves me more because, I think, it is a simple fact. We broke up last time for partly because the extent he cared for me was making me doubt whether my feelings were quite as strong. I still say they aren't, but I love him anyway.

JPP #2: Your boyfriend is looking for jobs all over England, and even abroad.

And good for him too.
It's a competative field for his placement year, only 15% apparently get on them he's got to aply widely, the more aplications the better. If he refused to try and advance his education and potential career by only aplying localy because he happens to be in a relationship here he wouldn't find himself in one (that decision reeks of clingyness and dependancy). Apart from that since I'm probably moving away it would also be a very stupid reason. I've been fully supportive of his decision to apply and sincerely hope he gets the one best for him wherever that happens to be.

JPP #3: He got back with you after you broke up even though you may have to start a long-distance relationship soon.

Yes we got back together, 10 months before I have to leave for university, it was hardly 'soon' when we did. It's still a few months off it's just that the imanent exams and end of term make it seem much closer now.

JPP #4: You live in the middle of nowhere

I live in a craphole of a town but it's not quite the middle of nowhere. Fairly easy to get to more interesting places if you have money for trains (which I don't) or can drive (which I can't).

Trouble assembling it? Read the solution.

Spoiler

Show

Your boyfriend plans on leaving, and leaving you behind. He will remain with you for as long as it's convenient and then dump you. He might even do worse: NOT break up with you but keep you on the back burner at home so he's got something to do on the weekends when he visits his family. After you guys broke up, he realized that romantic prospects in your town are few and far-between and decided that you'd be an acceptable temporary solution until something better comes along.
All this is assuming, of course, that you'll keep your laissez-faire attitude, get crummy grades and not get into university.
Don't feel guilty, he's in the relationship for the exact same reason you are. What you need to think about is yourself, or rather, since you're already thinking only about yourself, what you need to do is stop beating yourself up for it.

He actualy did get with someone after we split up. When he thought (correctly as it happens) that I was upset about him seeing her he dumped her with no prompting from me because 'my frienship was worth more than the physical thing he had with her'. We got back together because we care about each other, not because he realised 'romantic prospects were few and far between'. He's had numerous occasions to cheat or leave me for other girls, some of whom, in my opinion, are much more attractive than I am.
Yes he's older (2 years, hardly a big difference), yes he is more experienced, but he isn't using me. If he was he wouldn't have waited the best part of a year for 'that thing one would assume he was using me for'.
Neither would he have offered to pay for plane tickets to and from Australia so I could spend a month with him there before I left for uni if he got the placement there.

assuming, of course, that you'll keep your laissez-faire attitude, get crummy grades and not get into university.

I'm interested in how my attitude towards long term relationships shows my attitude towards work and ability to get good grades. I said if I get into uni on the first point as as I said they are litteraly asking for almost the top grades it is possible to achieve. Whilst I can get these, and am predicted to, one bad day falling in exam week could screw this up, to say it's a definite I'll get in would be a lie, hence the 'if'.

To be honest I'm not feeling especially guilty as such (a little, but not enough to really bother me too much) because I know splitting up and going our seperate ways free to make whatever screwups we will is what will be best for both of us in the long run.
Yeah I feel bad that it'll hurt his feelings, but not bad enough to cause me any real angst or is likely to change my mind (guilt is not a reason to stay with someone afterall).
What is sorta pressing on me a bit is that I've made this decision but he has no idea about it yet and it's not something I want to broach with him until it needs to be. So it plays slightly on my mind sometimes and will likely cary on doing so until the time is right to talk it over.
Just needed somewhere to rant and get it out of my system for a while and this seemed like a fairly good place.



wow...sorry for that monster of a post...and aplogies for any glaring typos or confusing sentances, am very tired atm and may have missed stuff in proofreading.

[Syka]

First, I hate the whole breaking up because you don't want to be tied down when you go off to college deal. I just think it's bull. I was with my ex for 3.5 years, all long distance, and going off to college did nothing to change how much I loved him. And if you are in a serious relationship back home, it's not really that much different in the "tied down" aspect. --'

That being said, and this comes from having been in a long distance relationship myself, I don't think it would be a good idea. You sound averse to the idea and...the fact that he drunkenly did what he did would make me worry that, given distance, he would do more. Getting drunk is no excuse in my books. It just doesn't sound like you are ready for what a long distance relationship entails.

And you would be shocked how different some people can act after a break up. --' I've got a funny story of my own about that, but won't put it here.



Mick, enjoy the eye candy while you can. ;) Just be happy in your singleness, and you might be surprised. If you are really wanting to chat someone up, look no further than, say, a coffee shop, or a class you are taking. There is probably someone there who might have more in common with you then you would think. I met my first boyfriend at a Latin convention, and the guy I'm dating now in my math class. At first glance, I have very little in common with my current guy...but when you find out what we both actually like, there is a lot there.

Sorry if I missed someone.

[The_Werebear]

Nerzi

How far away, in the most probably circumstance, would you be living? If he is going to be within an hour or two, I can direct you to the example of two of my friends. They have sucessfully stayed together through the first year of college, despite one living here in Lincoln, and the other in Aimes, Iowa. (Distance-2 hours). How? Visits every other weekend on a predictable schedule, phone calls every night, and frequent IM conversations as well, with a Webcam too if possible. The thing is, both of you need to be willing to make the effort and stay in constant communication, both of you need to really want to keep it rolling, and both need to have a set date on when you will next see each other.

It is more than possible to keep a long distance thing going if you really want to. My current girl friend used to live in London before moving out here to Nebraska (Ie, Nowhere). She had been dating her boyfriend at the time for five months. They kept it going long distance for nearly a year and a half longer before they broke up, largely because of two reasons: One, he got addicted to WoW, and two, he didn't go through the trouble of staying in frequent communication( Ie, she sent an Email every other day of a page, and he sent a three word response back once a month.)

Now, as a Final comment. If you really don't think you can keep it going, or you really don't want to, end it as painlessly as you can before you go. Don't halfheartedly try to keep it going long distance, just to end it a month later.

Good Luck.

[Nerzi]

Different sorts of relationships suit different people. I don't see me ending up with him in the long term future. So why make the effort to keep it going in a difficult long distance relationship when I can end it nowish on good and freindly terms rather than waiting for it to just peter out or end up with one of us shacking up with someone else (or whatever might happen to end it) that could end with us falling out and not parting as friends?
Sure it's nice at the momment, I love it, and at this momment in time I love him, but that'll fade eventualy, I don't want to spend my whole life with him I know that already. And if It's going to end eventualy than now(ish) where we're both going our seperate ways physicaly is a convenient time as ever to end it. It'll leave both of us completely free to do what (and who if it so turns out) we want without being tied down to a relationship that ultimately won't last anyway.

I'm such a cynic.


Ninja'd! meh don't think my post really needss editing though.

[The_Werebear]

Right. If you feel like that, end it before you go to University as nicely as you can.

Good luck.

[Nerzi]

Thanks.
As I said my main bug is knowing this is how I feel but not telling him until the time's right because I don't want to put a damper on the relationship now. I want to be able to enjoy this summer with him without it hanging over both of us.
Who knows, he may even be thinking the same thing...lol

[Driderman]

Nerzi, you say you don't see yourself ending up with him in the future... Is that supposed to mean "There's not a snowballs chance in Hell" or just "I wouldn't expect it, but who knows?" cause there's a very big difference. If its the first, by all means, finish off the relationship and go have fun with boys in Wales. If the second, why don't give it a chance. I mean, I'm living with my girlfriend now and in the beginning I surely didn't see us 'ending up together', but we did and we're both in love and comfortable living together despite our differences.
As for long distance relationships, it can work just fine if you both want it to. If you'd rather not be tied down by a relationship while he's away, by all means, tell him. Maybe you can figure out a solution you can both appreciate and when he gets back you can see if you're still interested in each other

[Vonriel]

Hmm, I see a lot of good advice for Nerzi here, but I think you guys might be missing the point. It isn't that she's going to break up with him, she's definitely decided on that and I'm against trying to change someone's mind unless it's a truly self-harmful decision, but rather when she should break up with him. Well, ok, it's really that she just needed a place to rant, but I still think the issue of when should be addressed.

I'd advocate against waiting too long, Nerzi. Sooner rather than later. Now, I don't mean you should go out and tell him the very minute you read this, but give it enough time to sink in and to let you two become comfortable with the idea that you're no longer together. As you said, some things just can't be communicated over text, and trying to convince someone that you just want to stay friends is one of them. Personally, I'd shoot for at least a month, two would probably be better, before you each leave for your respective places. From the sounds of things, you'll both handle this maturely, which is good. But if you were to wait until, say, the week before you both left, then I imagine you'd both be distracted in those first few weeks before you worked something out, and you might not be able to salvage the friendship between gossiping with friends you met since you left and negative thoughts that enter your mind. Anyway, my thoughts on this.

[Driderman]

Yes well in that case I suggest having the talk as soon as possible so she won't have to go worrying about it later. Besides, he might sense that there's something and press the issue if she doesn't tell him herself.
I've been in a similiar situation and our relationship worked just fine even though both knew it had a time-limit on it. Actually, I suspect we both tried even harder to make the last months enjoyable which made it even greater. Of course, it was tough to end it but hey, thats life and you get over it

[Thomorn_BattleFate]

What do I do now?

I've been seeing this girl online. She's in Spain, and I'm in Canada. When we met, I was already seeing someone, and unhappy as all hell in the relationship. This woman from Spain and I immidiately hit it off, and I fell for her very hard. She also fell for me, or so she says. For a while I was convinced.

As I was living with the first girl, I couldn't leave until I got things under control, and managed to finish a night course and get a job to pay the bills.

So I stayed in the relationship, biding my time. Making sure the Spanish woman knew how much she meant to me, and never doubted that I wanted her, and would be with her one day.

She tells me after about a month that her Ex has asked for a second chance, and although she's in love with me, she needs to give him a second chance to know it wasn't her fault the relationship didn't work. She also assured me I shouldn't worry, since I will stay in her heart always, and in the end, she'd be mine anyways. She also told me nothing would change between us while she was "trying again with him."

About a month ago, she starts getting distant, I stop getting daily e-mails from her, and she starts meeting me on MSN far less often. But anytime I ask her, she simply says she's been busy, and still loves me, and still wants to be with me.

A week ago she says she can't continue the relationship anymore because she feels horrible cheating on him...

But she tells me she still loves me and still wants to be with me one day, and wants to stay friends while she's with him...

Am I crazy for being in love with her, and believing that this thing will work out in the end?

[Syka]

Erm. I'm going to stay away from this one. I don't want to sound like a total b*tch, which I will. Honestly, I should just stay away from all problems in which cheating is involved...*zips lips*

[Nerzi]

Thanks for the advice guys.
Yeah definitely leaving it till just before I leave isn't a good plan. I was thinking mid july I'd take the oportunity to talk to him about it after we get back from a surfing (yipes! I've never surfed!) holiday with his friends in Newquay. But before may be better as I'm going away on another holiday this time without him almost as soon as I get back from that one...
So many holidays going on

[Driderman]

Thomorn: I'd suggest just staying away from online-dating/relationships. It gets crazy and it isn't really real most of the times. Its simply too easy for people to pretend to have feelings and 'go through the motions' of having a relationship without ever having to really look your partner in the eyes and say those three little words ( no, webcams don't count ).
Also, Syka has very valid point...

[Vonriel]

Glad to hear we could help, Nerzi.

And Thomorn, I gotta refrain from commenting for other reasons I don't wanna get into. Sorry man, I wish you the best of luck in figuring out what to do.

[Vampiric]

@Thomorn BattleFate: Not a good plan. If she is becoming more distant, it sounds like she's liking her ex-ex more. I wouldn't hold on if I were you, the way you tell it sounds like you're going to lose out... If I were you: try and move on. Nothing good can come from this. Even if she does finish with her ex-ex, she has already shown that she's prepared to hang guys out to dry while she 'deals' with the one she's dating.

And now, for my problem to twist your mental cogs:

My gf and I have been going out for 2 years (nearly) (minus a week, similar to Nerzi) and, yes, we are in love. About 4/5 months ago, she started new work. (we're both at college. British college. we're both 18.) At the same time, her best friend left to join the marines (that hasn't worked, but anyhoo.). She has kind-of replaced him with this 23-yr old guy who works with her. He is having a break from Uni, his relationship isn't going to well, and he apparently sees his friends very rarely. (my gf seems to have become his best friend, he tells her pretty much everything. And I mean everything!).

Now for some backround knowledge.
Last year there was this guy in my gf's psychology class, who had (sorry for the cynicism) a sob story, and my gf fell for it hard, so she used to talk to him about his problems, etc. etc. Anyway. Basically, he ended up stalking her (getting to her at the end of her lesson, so he could walk with her, following her from a distance, that sort of thing.) and I had this gut feeling, I guess, is the best way to describe it, and for no particular reason, I didn't like him. I should have been able to get on with him, but I hated his guts.. Then we all (except my gf) realised he fancied her, and was following her everywhere. Anyway, she realised eventually.

But the point is that I now have had this same bad feeling for this new guy for a while (he also tries to get to see her a lot). He has also admitted to wanting to go out with her. My problem is that, he is basically her best friend 'replacement', so I don't want to offend my gf (though she does know I really dislike him), but I just want him to back off, because sometimes it feels like (maybe I'm getting paranoid, or maybe I'm overreacting) that, sometimes, when it's a choice between me and him, she chooses him, and sometimes it's when I've made sure I can spend time with her...

[The_Werebear]

Thomorn:

I'll take a shot at this one. My gut instinct is that this won't end well for anyone. First off: Distance is a killer in this case. Second, the whole situation smells fishy to me. Despite the fact that she says she loves you, she is still giving her ex a chance that, from the way you describe it, sounds like it has been going on far longer than a mercy chance.

I would simply back off. This just seems too suspicous for me.

[Syka]

Vampiric.....That's a hard one. I'd say let her know that you feel like, when you have made plans or something, and it is then a choice between you or him that she chooses him. She might not even realize it. Also let her know you are worried this guy might do the same as the other guy (stalking, etc). I must impress upon you however, to not make it seem like you are saying she can't hang out with him.

With my ex, I set some boundaries up with him. One of them was I requested him to not hang out alone with one of his female friends. I was aware that there were some unresolved feelings there from before, and he even told me he was scared he might do something with her. So I said, "Don't be alone, and don't put yourself in a situation where something might happen." Do not be scared to request certain things like that. I wasn't saying they couldn't hang out...I was asking him to be careful and watch himself.

This is a situation where you need to tread very lightly.