Relationship Woes and Advice

[Thomorn_BattleFate]

Thomorn:

I'll take a shot at this one. My gut instinct is that this won't end well for anyone. First off: Distance is a killer in this case. Second, the whole situation smells fishy to me. Despite the fact that she says she loves you, she is still giving her ex a chance that, from the way you describe it, sounds like it has been going on far longer than a mercy chance.

I would simply back off. This just seems too suspicous for me.

She agreed to give him another chance in January... She told me originally she wasn't in love with him anymore, but it seems to me, if that was the case, then she wouldn't leave me for him... Since she says she DOES love me. I'm a wreck. I can't sleep properly, or eat or anything...

And I can't stop thinking about her.

[Glaivemaster]

She agreed to give him another chance in January... She told me originally she wasn't in love with him anymore, but it seems to me, if that was the case, then she wouldn't leave me for him... Since she says she DOES love me. I'm a wreck. I can't sleep properly, or eat or anything...

And I can't stop thinking about her.

I'd agree with dropping it. Is there any way to know she's telling the truth? Not just about loving you, but about anything else? It's always important to look at that sort of thing in an internet relationship. I don't really have much more to say on this at the moment

[Vampiric]

Thanks Syka. Any idea how I could bring up the subject? Sometimes, when I've said something, (to let her know the truth, because I don't want to conceal the truth from her, because I have no reason) but she sometimes flys off the wall when I say it, then I apologise cos I don't want her to be angry.

And with regards to previous post, I'm not worried about her going, I'm worried about him.

[Driderman]

Well, Vampiric.... If you tell her in a mature fashion and she flies off the wall about it, I suspect that might be what's called a guilty conscience. Not that she's necessarily done anything she shouldn't have. It could just be that she knows she's been ditching you when she should've been ditching him and she feels guilty about it for some reason.
The only thing you really can do is try to get her to discuss the situation like an adult, without flying off her handle or off the wall or down a well or whatever. She needs to understand that

[Bayushi Koji]

Syka.... part of the reason I'm trying to sort out certain major life issues for myself at the moment is because of how much the young lady I like scares me.... its the first time I've genuninly been a little afraid of and intimidated by the intelect, charm and grace of a lady I've desired in such a pure and total way.

To me, the moment you realise you are in love should feel like you have the cliff edge under your toes, you can feel the ground shifting and just as it goes, you feel some one take your hand and make it all alright. But thats just me.

[El Jaspero, the Pirate King]

Vampiric, I'm siding with Syka and Driderman here. Your best bet is to be honest with her; tell her you're uncomfortable with this relationship, and you want some limits on it. I have found through long years that it is so much better to be honest and forthright with your partners, it's absolutely worth any percieved risk.

Being in a relationship is about negotiating, but people can't make those negotiations without information. Her only chance to respond to your needs is if you tell her, honestly and respectfully, what those needs are.

[ArchiviesTheQua]

umm.. I haven't posted on the forum in a while, due to personal reasons, but I couldn't hold back.

So my relationship problem? I like a really great guy, and apparently he likes me. Sounds great, right? But there's a catch.

a) He's my ex. The reason we broke up was because of b.
b) He goes to a different school that is about a half an hour or something away.
c) My parent's don't approve, and me, being easily persuaded into guilt, I think that I need to listen to them, since they've been right most of my life. They don't approve because not only do they not know him, but I didn't tell them the first time I went out with him, and that's a whole other story in itself.
d) I'm not going to see him for about another 5 months (I think) after this Saturday.

I really like this guy, and when I broke up with him the first time, I was really depressed, and since I just got out of a depression, I don't want to go back.

I really don't know what to do. I know it isn't nearly as bad as some of your other relationship issues, but it means a lot to me. Could you lend me your ears? That would be awesome.

[El Jaspero, the Pirate King]

I really like this guy, and when I broke up with him the first time, I was really depressed, and since I just got out of a depression, I don't want to go back.

This is the key for me: you should be really careful thinking about this relationship. As has been discussed many times before, distance, while not an absolute killer, can be a major relationship stress, and potentially wrecking your emotional state right after you've fixed it up is a bitter, bitter thing to go through.

My sense? You're still attracted to whatever you were attracted to in this guy before, and that's fine, but it doesn't mean things are going to be any better after another go. I'd encourage you to wait this one out, and if after 5 months you're both still free and interested, maybe then it's worth a second look.

[Driderman]

Good call from Jaspero. You'd be better off pining for this guy for 5 months and it then pans out than jumping right into it now and getting depressed when you don't see him for 5 months. So bide your time, if it's really worth it its worth waiting 5 months for.

[Bayushi Koji]

Archieves... the way I would look at it is... no point in doing anything about it now because it might just be a walk through old feelings for you two.... I often find girls like any of my ex's are dangerous to be around at first because they put me into those 'head spaces' and make things difficult for me.
If how ever you both find you've spent the whole 5 months apathetic to other prospects, using the other half of your pair as a comparision for any one who tries to date you..... Call me crazy but their might be something their.

This time apart is not an excuse to mope.... its an excuse to go out and revel in the joy of life....... only that way will you know if its because you really like them or just you want to think about them lots.

[ArchiviesTheQua]

Thanks guys. You gave me a better angle to look at things with. Hopefully I can just move on.

Muchos gracias, people!

[El Jaspero, the Pirate King]

Thanks guys. You gave me a better angle to look at things with. Hopefully I can just move on.

Muchos gracias, people!

No sweat, ATQ: sometimes all it takes is someone taking a look from the outside to give you a new perspective. Be good to yourself, and best of luck!

[Syka]

El J's advice is good. I remember with my long distance relationship, while I wouldn't trade it for anything, the last...4 months or so I noticed traits of depression. It wasn't serious, but other than isolated incidents...I just wasn't happy- because it hurts to be seperated. If you look at me now, I'm the complete opposite. I have isolated days where I just want to mope, but 99% of the time I'm happy. Procede with caution, though my advice (like before) is to not get back with an ex. Not to say it can't work, it just normally doesn't.

Bayushi, thank you. That is probably the best definition of love I have ever seen. The first time around I wasn't really scared, because I didn't know about it. Now that I know about it, I've been clinging on to the edge of the cliff for dear life. I started letting go last night. :) He still hasn't heard/seen "I love you" from me yet...But he has gotten a "<3 youse" and a love ya. ;) I dunno...I seem to be having a block about actually saying all three together at once.

I probably shouldn't worry, because other than giving me the little hearts, he's only said all three once. I think we're both trying to take it slow and not freak the other out. oO In any case, I know he'd catch me. :)

[The_Werebear]

She agreed to give him another chance in January... She told me originally she wasn't in love with him anymore, but it seems to me, if that was the case, then she wouldn't leave me for him... Since she says she DOES love me. I'm a wreck. I can't sleep properly, or eat or anything...

And I can't stop thinking about her.

I would try to distract yourself. I know, really hard. A girl I fell hard for and had a crush on for a long time did something like this to me. It was really hard for a long time, until I eventually just slapped myself and said "Stop Worrying." I don't know exactly what to say, other than to dive into something else simply as a distraction. Just avoid letting it become an addiciton. I can recomend hanging out with your friends a lot.

Another thing to do might be to confront her with all your fears about this honestly and directly. Get it all off your chest, your doubts, your worries. Ask for an honest return answer. No matter what answer you get, it will be something that will allow you to move forward.

[Vampiric]

Syka, I can understand your fear for love - the feeling that it entails some form of permanance, right? Don't worry. I was there. It took me 6 months to realise I was in love. I said it, and my gf was a bit 'not sure', but after another week or two, I heard those words back. Believe me, if you both mean it, it's the best phrase your ears will ever get, and it's the best feeling of elation. If you're happy with the guy, and only you can decide that, then, if you do love him, you'll find you won't worry about happens...

[Syka]

It's not really the permenance. It is that, with me, love entails basically giving your heart to this person and trusting them not to break it. And, well, my heart just healed itself back up after a bad break up in November. It's been six months and I've been seeing this guy for six months (not as bad as it sounds...I was asked out post-break up, and we've been taking it, as a friend said, glacially slowly). He told me the words back in February...Scared the crap out of me.

I just kind of froze and we bypassed it for the rest of the conversation (it was through AIM). The next day we talked about it and everything just went back to normal. No harm, no foul. In the intervening 2 months, we've been slowly but surely been getting more serious. We still aren't exclusive officially, but I'm not dating anyone else and I'm fairly certain he is not either (I asked him to just let me know, I don't need to know who, and I trust him to say something). His family likes me (I'm going to his brothers graduation lunch this Saturday), and we pretty much talk everyday and see each other for hours a day when I get a chance to go home. I live 3 hours away at school, and he should be moving here with in a year (long term planning isn't unusual...he bought tickets for us to go to a concert in November).

And...I realized yesterday that I do love him. I knew because I wasn't going, "Do I or don't I?" It was just a yes. Now it's just a matter of letting him know he's got my heart to do with what he will. :\ </novel>

Wow...That turned in to more of a story than I thought it would. oO I reserve the right to delete this at some point if I see it necessary. ;)

[mdsoze]

Vampiric,

If you're looking for a way to bring this up, I'd suggest doing it at a time it's not an issue. That way, you don't look like you're angry and feeling competed with right then.

For an exact method, once you have said time to discuss the issue that was gotten in a competition free manner, just say how you feel. But don't accuse or make it sound like you think she's doing anything wrong. Confine your statements to how you think the friendship is affecting the relationship. If you keep it in that context, you aren't overstepping your bounds.

If she gets angry, then ask her why she's angry. Her reasons for being upset may tell you a lot.

Other than that, keep your head held high, and wash behind your ears, and you'll make it through. :)

Oh, and I can give advice. I promise it will be worth ever penny you pay for it.

[The_Werebear]

Congratulations, really all I can say.

If you feel that way, go for it and make the best of it.

[Vampiric]

Thanks mdsoze. All two of them? I am very wealthy at the moment...

[Driderman]

Seems like a lot of people are looking for relationship/dating advice on this forum so I thought I'd dole out a bit of Don Driderman advice

What Women Want - Non-specifically and just according to me

The dating phase: A general and often abused advice is to 'be yourself'. That surely goes a long way, but anyone who knows anything about impressing the opposite gender knows that you sometimes have to stretch that part a bit. Not lying, mind you, but simply being perhaps a bit more than you usually are. Just remember, should this lead to a steady relationship you have to live up to your 'promises' so don't stretch it further than you want to go. Anyone who's been in a relationship knows there's a lot of compromising and adapting.
Anyway, during the 'dating phase there are 4 main points:

Women want:

• To be respected
• To be impressed
• To be entertained
• To be seduced

Basically, you'll have to be the perfect gentleman, and more (A gentleman being a man that protects women from any other man than himself ).
Showing proper respect can be a lot of things, from talking to her face and not her chest, to appreciating odd feminine wiles and issues you'll never understand to showing genuine appreciation for her interests and whatnot. Basic, but easy to forget. Being a good listener always helps, not only since women like talking a lot but also since this can give you valuable clues to her personality, likes and dislikes.

Impressing women: Again, a very broad category. Basic gender instincts still have a say in peoples choice of partners, so despite the tackyness shows of wealth may be appropriate. Reasoning: A good provider makes for a good mate. Just beware the golddiggers and all those who use this exact technique for getting free drinks
Dancing is a classic too, as most people have a notion that smooth moves on the dancefloor means smooth moves between the sheets.
My personal favourite, is telling stories. Sometimes I marvel why so many roleplayers seem to have trouble getting women seeing as we have a very potent tool available. Stories about your travels, experiences, whatever really, as long as its interesting, exotic always helps and not too directly about yourself. This part goes hand-in-hand with entertaining as funny stories is a real hit. Creativity, whether it be humorous drinking games, improvised poetry or just an aptitude for witticisms and sharp wit works too (That they understand, mind you. Few non-gamer girls are fond of gaming humour so OotS-references and the like will probably not be appropriate).

Seduction: While you have to be both witty, impressive and respectful, you must certainly not forget that everyone likes to feel wanted. This can be tricky, as there's a fine line between seductive flirting and being lecherous. It's usually better to err on the side of caution, there's always another day to continue your hard work. Still, a few suggestive looks, a sexually-related joke (in good taste of course!) and a lingering touch here and there goes a long way.
Just remember that most women grew up with dreams of Prince Charming and most women like romance stories that most men will never understand why anyone would want to read. You have to show that you're that Prince Charming or young dashing doctor or whatnot, while at the same time also being a real person: Yourself

The Most Important Part: The trick to 'getting women' is, like so many other things, practice. So practice. It gets easier after the first few tries, whether succesful or not. And there's nothing wrong with a one-night-stand as long as you're man enough to make sure you both know thats whats happening, if thats whats happening.

Disclaimer: As Barbossa would say, these are not rules, they're more like guidelines.
Men and women are both infinitely complex and I don't pretend to know everything about them, nor do I believe women are as two-dimensional as I may have made them out to be. I have however, been quite adept at courting women while not being an a-hole for 10 years so I have some experience in the field

[Fourth Tempter]

That sounds more like "what People want" than "what women want" to me. If someone does not entertain you or respect you, why would you romance them? However, your generalities wrap some fairly specific advice that I would suggest taking with a grain of salt. Or a teaspoon of salt. Perhaps even a badger (or some other similarily-sized woodland animal) of salt.

That aside, I think more important than all of the above is remaining free of misconceptions. It is inarguable that some women appreciate it when someone pays their way; however, others may desire to cover their own half of the tab, and may indeed grow quite wroth if not accorded the opportunity to do so! A fierce Woman being a dangerous beast quite on par with a hungry Lion, this state of affairs is quite plainly one to be avoided.

In the end, the key is communication: unembellished, direct, and forthright. That is not to say that you should empty your closets of skeletons and hurl them at your prospective partner's unsuspecting feet; however, no one knows a person better than they themselves do, and as a result a person is the best source of information on themselves and their desires. If you are in doubt, inquire! Be honest with them, and they will be honest with you--or, if they are not, well... they're likely not a person worth investing exorbitant amounts of effort into.

[Amotis]

That sounds more like "what People want" than "what women want" to me. If someone does not entertain you or respect you, why would you romance them? However, your generalities wrap some fairly specific advice that I would suggest taking with a grain of salt. Or a teaspoon of salt. Perhaps even a badger (or some other similarily-sized woodland animal) of salt.

That aside, I think more important than all of the above is remaining free of misconceptions. It is inarguable that some women appreciate it when someone pays their way; however, others may desire to cover their own half of the tab, and may indeed grow quite wroth if not accorded the opportunity to do so! A fierce Woman being a dangerous beast quite on par with a hungry Lion, this state of affairs is quite plainly one to be avoided.

In the end, the key is communication: unembellished, direct, and forthright. That is not to say that you should empty your closets of skeletons and hurl them at your prospective partner's unsuspecting feet; however, no one knows a person better than they themselves do, and as a result a person is the best source of information on themselves and their desires. If you are in doubt, inquire! Be honest with them, and they will be honest with you--or, if they are not, well... they're likely not a person worth investing exorbitant amounts of effort into.

Fourth Tempter is really my alt.

And also speaks unblemishable truth.

[Fourth Tempter]

Fourth Tempter is really my alt.

And also speaks unblemishable truth.

I say, good sir! That's quite the insidious implication! Were it not for the complicated attached to the end thereof, such a statement would surely be cause for me to call you out!

[Jazzman]

Hey people!

Posting on this thread to offer my services as a sympathetic ear. I've been doing this is some capacity or another for going on 6 years. I've been on both sides of the relationshippy problems and advisingness, and I've heard a lot of things, and experienced a few more.

So if anyone wants to talk, I'll happily listen, no judging you or anything, either public or via PM.

--Jazzman

[Fourth Tempter]

Oh, piffle. Confession simply isn't the same without the constant threats of fiery damnation.

Plus, outside of that cramped booth, I simply can't arrive at the proper mood.

[Amotis]

CONDOMS ARE TEH DEVIL!

Yup, I love the smell of zealotry in the morning.

Call me out! I shall only echo in a mocking tone!

[Syka]

Oh man...This isn't for me but...man...I get myself in bad situations.

I have two friends, right? A dude and a chick. Well, I was speaking with the chick yesterday and the dude came up...And she said that he reminded her of her little brother and she wasn't sure she could like him, etc...Which I take to mean there has been some thoughts on her part and therefore a possibility. There was speculation that he could maybe have a crush on her.

Kind of confirmed today. Now he's asking me about her (is it bad I kind of like her, does she like anyone, etc?) and I'm all "Crap." I don't want to get his hopes up high, but I don't want to dash them in case she DOES end up liking him. And I can't really bring it up with her because I already told him I wouldn't mention it...oO' Eeeeep...Not fun. --'

[Bayushi Koji]

Syka... my advise? Its a thin, grey line that has to be walked here.... with regards to the guy, he needs to be told the vague trurth. Thinks like 'Well, I know she's not dating any one at the moment, but I'm not sure about wether she digs you'. You have two goals with your answers A) to get him to girdle up his courage, put on the tigers face and sally forth to meet the ene...... I mean, to ask her out. 2) It gives you time to find out how she feels. That way if she does like him, she can be encouraged to give some slightly more defenite signs with out breaking your promise to your male freind.

[tgva8889]

Oh man...This isn't for me but...man...I get myself in bad situations.

I have two friends, right? A dude and a chick. Well, I was speaking with the chick yesterday and the dude came up...And she said that he reminded her of her little brother and she wasn't sure she could like him, etc...Which I take to mean there has been some thoughts on her part and therefore a possibility. There was speculation that he could maybe have a crush on her.

Kind of confirmed today. Now he's asking me about her (is it bad I kind of like her, does she like anyone, etc?) and I'm all "Crap." I don't want to get his hopes up high, but I don't want to dash them in case she DOES end up liking him. And I can't really bring it up with her because I already told him I wouldn't mention it...oO' Eeeeep...Not fun. --'

That's the sort of position I put my friends in all the time. It's not a good position, it sounds like. Maybe I'll be more caring now. Though, really, I don't tell my friends about my crushes anymore anyways.

Now, I have a problem. Can someone help me out here?

I think that a girl I know likes me, but I actually have no idea, since it's the first time this has happened when I haven't had my head clouded with my own emotions towards this person. Which would imply that no, I don't have feelings towards this person.

So, I'm wondering, what are truly signals that someone likes you? Because there's a few things she's done recently that seem odd to me.

First, she started talking to me. Being that she's in the, well, prep-popular-esque group of people in my school and I'm in the geeky group, we never talked much. The grade is relatively small compared to most other schools, though, so we all get along fairly well (to prove the point, one of the kids in the "geeky" group is probably the most well-known kid in the school, because he's just so...I suppose the word is unique. But anyways, he's not important). But she and I never talked. I didn't know anything about her except what I heard from rumors, which was that she apparantly had been going out with a good portion of the guys in my grade at some point during her two years at the school. And in other grades, too, I believe.

Second, she did a lot of things that seemed odd to me, because we aren't friends. She was one of the first people to talk to me about getting my braces off, which I did recently (she actually told me something similar to "you look hot without braces", though a lot of the girls in my grade joke like that, so it could be a joking thing). She was also one of the few to wish me happy birthday in words today (well, techncially yesterday).

And the last, and probably least important point. We were writing plays for a class, and after each person's play had been read and handed in, people were allowed to take the copies of them that we had home for personal enjoyment, etc. And she took one of mine. This shouldn't send up flags, in my opinion, but it did happen.

So, now I still have no idea what she thinks of me. And a friend (who is a girl) whom I just consulted said "Maybe". I really have no idea, so I was hoping to get opinions on whether I'm delusional again or whether she could actually like me. 'Cause if she does, I have no idea what I'm gonna do.

(She will never read this. Ever.)

[Syka]

There is a chance but...I'm doubtful. The general signs (and this is not true for everyone, I know), is if she's like making excuse to be close to you (trying to sit next to you, etc), going out of her way to hang out with you, etc.

To me it sounds like she finds you interesting and wants to be friends.

Then again, I could be totally wrong. ;) And yes, it's not a fun position to be in. This is the second time this has happened (the first being my junior year in high school...similar, the guy liked the girl but the girl didn't like him).

Bayushi, yah...That's what I'm trying to do. He asked if she liked anyone, and I said no not that I know of. I wasn't sure how to say, "But you came up and you remind her of her little brother." I think her main thing is he reminds her of her brother, which kind of weirds her out to think of him romantically then. *shrugs* I'll see where this takes me and hopefully I'll escape alive.