Personal Woes and Advice 4

[Jon_Dahl]

Great, I just found out today that the average grade of my intermediate studies in my (academic) major is 4.47. That will be rounded normally and that means that the final grade will be 4. If I had gotten 4.5, the grade for intermediate studies would have been 5 (maximum grade)

I will take comfort in my thesis supervisor's words. She told us that no one cares about our grades. At best, our theses will have some importance. I hope she is right. But MAN, this pisses me off!! On the other hand, I genuinely believe that I wasn't worth 5. I got the grade that I deserved.

[Chen]

I will take comfort in my thesis supervisor's words. She told us that no one cares about our grades.

Barring going further into Academia this is pretty much true. As long as your grades are not terrible, they're fairly irrelevant in terms of jobs and the like. They hold a bit more value if you are going for further degrees and such, but even then, having something lined up with a supervisor is far more important compared to grades as long as you meet the minimums. Considering you're grade here is one below perfect, I doubt it'd be an issue.

[Grytorm]

Hello, I'm not feeling very good about myself. I intend to just write up my thoughts.

1. I feel terrible about myself. This is depression. I recognize that this is magnifying my self criticisms. But I still feel as I do.

2. Most of the problems I experience are under my control. I can think of solutions to my problems, but I have not successfully implemented solutions.

3. A catalog of problems.
a) I feel alone. My friends, if they are my friends, are distant.
i. Furthermore I have generally been fixated on possible romantic relationships and I believe that I approach things in an unhealthy way. I feel like I am somewhat creepy. But I still feel alone.
b) I perform erratically in school. Sometimes I do well, and sometimes I have trouble completing the work.
i. I had to give a series of speeches for class, and people liked them. The teacher called my third speech the best moment of the class. I recognize my reaction is fueled by imposter syndrome, but that doesn't mean my reaction isn't real. I just feel confused by their praise.
ii. I, at times, have difficulty focusing in class. I have been diagnosed with ADD and have been prescribed a medication, but like the antidepressants I find this dubious.
iii. I spend inordinate amounts of time playing video-games. This might be the source of my problems, but it is also I feel a coping mechanism. When I can't deal with school I use games to distance myself from my family and feel safer. However my experiences lately feel shallow, and in serious competitive games I have never been invested the time to improve.
c) In general I have done little to contribute to the household. I do not have a job. I have a poor work ethic. Helping with physical chores is stressful and usually ends in extremely stressful interactions with my father.
d) In addition to having no job I have poor impulse control. I haven't bought anything new for a few weeks, but I oftentimes buy videogames and books on impulse. This habit has over time wasted substantial amounts of money, although I do not know how much I have foolishly spent. Probably my biggest foolhardy expenditures were on games like League of Legends and Hearthstone in which I bought substantial amount of product. I paid for the various items with money coming from my college fund, which has been dwindling for several years and will someday evaporate.
e) I like to think of myself as a creative person, with a thousand interesting ideas. But this is a hollow assertion. I have not extensively developed any idea, their is no product of which I can be proud of, and I abandon my ideas as swiftly as they come. The fruits of my imagination rot on the vine for my inability to develop them beyond their core.
i. In theory I could develop a singly thought into a more meaningful endeavor, but I lack the experience and determination to develop a proper narrative.
ii. For tabletop rpgs, this to is a dead end. I at times develop detailed ideas for adventures or campaigns, or for the more esoteric rpgs just character concepts. Even though many of my 'friends' show interest in games none of them has ever been willing to commit to a game. And anyway, I believe that I have treated most of my friends poorly. The majority of them have been subject of my unhealthy obsession with romantic relationships.
f) Most of my family have serious weight management problems. Me, my sister and my father each qualify as obese, though I find the traditional explanation of proper weight to be judgmental and sketchy. But we still do have weight problems. I tend to overeat and consume to many sweets. A recent ultrasound has revealed that I have a nascent fatty liver. Overall I do not know how serious this condition is, but I am not particularly happy with it.
g) I feel tired all the time.

4. Possibly solutions.
a) This, their are recommendations for making friends. Spend more time volunteering or in social situations. But I still find this difficult. It also doesn't solve the core problem of the deficient relationships with people I already know. I have, I believe, developed rapports with some people, but it has never transformed into anything substantial.
b) This, I could approach school better. People always tell me to keep a schedule. And I have at times tried. They don't always seem very helpful, but I recognize that I am a fault for their shortcomings. The other problems of insufficient focus and poor academic practices are on me. I should work harder on school. I know.
c) This is my own fault. I have not received sufficient incentives to assume responsibility, but this is solely within my sphere of control. The only option is to do better.
d) Again I need to do better, their is little else to this. I do not need to spend money. If I was responsible I would just focus more on enjoying what I already have.
e) Perhaps, careful destruction of every unfulfilled dream could be used to heal my disappointment. But that is probably another unhealthy coping method. Ultimately I need to learn discipline and complete a project, or miraculously find friends.
f) I, I did try to improve my health. To not indulge in daily cookies. I have started exercising sometimes. But change is difficult, and I have no one to blame but myself.
g) This has been difficult. I maintain poor sleep habits. I stay up late and find actually sleeping in difficult. But I feel that my feeling of exhaustion cannot be explained solely by my own habits.

5. Attempts by family to offer advice and to enforce meaningful change are stressful and at times cause me to panic.

6. I don't really know who I am, I've struggled with identity for years. But instead of acting I wallow in self pity.

7. Change is scary.

[2D8HP]

This is going to seem odd for "Personal Woes", but I'm really saddened that my favorite bookstore, Dark Carnival in Berkeley, is closing.

I've been going there since the late 1970's (IIRC the first book I bought there was "A Princess of Mars"), and I've met some fave authors there.

The other sci-fi/fantasy/mystery specialty bookstore, Other Change of Hobbit closed two years ago.

I think there's still Borderlands in San Francisco, but that's the side of the Bridge I work, not sleep.

I actually feel worse from this news, than I have upon learning that friends have died.

[dehro]

@Grytorm:
motivation and drive are issues for me as well, and I'm not very good at tackling them, so I don't really feel qualified to suggest anything useful, though I can say that you're not alone in that.
A specific item of your list I do have a suggestion for is the weight issue.
Walk.
Whenever you go places, do as much of it as you can walking... you take the bus a lot, I understand?.. instead of getting off the bus nearby home, get off a stop before that and walk the distance... maybe add a second stop to it when you feel up to it.
IF that doesn't work for you, since it's something that affects 2 more members of the family, why not suggest that rather than enforcing "better food management/health regimen" on you, you tackle this one together?
Find something, possibly fun, to do together that involves physical exertion, however slight. It doesn't need to be sport (though hitting the gym together might work too).. hell.. you're a gamer.. organise a treasure hunt all over town/a park, once a week.. which brings you back to walking.

[Velaryon]

Grytorm,

I've experienced a few of these issues myself, so I would like to start off by reminding you that you aren't alone.

1. It's good that you recognize your depression for what it is. Hopefully that means you realize that even if there are things you can do to better your situation, it isn't your fault you feel this way. That said, if you feel things are bad enough, you may want to consider some form of counseling, since no one here is qualified to give anything resembling expert advice.

2. I have found that I have a much easier time diagnosing what's wrong with me and thinking about what to do than I do actually implementing the solutions that I come up with. Do you feel the same way? It sounds like it. Sometimes it helps to break your solution down into small, achievable goals, so that you can work toward that goal and have a steady sense of progress.

3. a) Are they physically distant, emotionally distant, or both? Whatever the case, it may be that you could use new (or additional) friends. Easier said than done I know, but are there places you could seek for people with similar interests or goals?
i. It's not easy in the modern world to figure out how to approach the prospect of romance correctly. I'm just about the furthest thing from an expert that can be found, but I prefer looking for dates online because then you can at least be reasonably sure that the people you're talking to have an interest in being approached. It's not without its own problems, but for some it may be easier than the old-fashioned way of talking to someone directly.
b) Does it vary by class? If so, it could be an indicator that you have more skill or interest in certain subjects than others. If not, have you considered whether there might be other external factors influencing performance, like whether you're getting enough sleep, your general health, or emotional state?
c) I haven't done much of this myself, but some people like to make lists of things to get done, which helps with the work ethic. Being able to check items off the list results in a greater sense of accomplishment and better motivation to get things done. Have you tried anything like this?
d) This is another place where you might be able to substitute organization for willpower. Try writing a budget for your expenses. Then when you have the opportunity to buy a new game or spend more on an existing game, you can remind yourself that your budget only covers X amount for gaming this month, and it'll have to wait. If that doesn't get your spending under control, it may be necessary to cut yourself off from certain games that encourage you to spend within the game.
e) This sounds like it goes back to the "you might need some new friends" thing. It's easier to get into a game with people who are already doing it than try to form a group out of people who are mildly interested in the idea as an abstraction, but haven't gamed before or at least in awhile. Joining a game as a player lets you start the creative ball rolling without the pressure and responsibility of creation on a large scale the way trying to develop a whole campaign or write a novel would have.
f) There's a lot that goes into this, including genetic factors that are beyond the scope of anyone here to advise you about. It's worth trying to develop an action plan with a doctor or other health specialist. That said, people tend to be influenced by the habits of those around them, so if you've all got a problem with your weight and health then it might be a good idea to try and tackle it together. If that's not an issue, try to give yourself a bit of space so you can establish healthier diet and exercise habits.
g) Lots of things can be contributing to a constant feeling of tiredness. Some things you can try to do about this include getting more sleep, exercising more, and improving your eating habits. Being overweight tends to cause a lack of energy (as I myself am experiencing), so if you're able to make strides toward improving your health, I think you will see gains here as well.

I suspect you know most of all of this already. The single best thing I can suggest (other than consulting a health professional) is to use the buddy system, and try to find at least one other person who is trying to make similar changes, and mutually reinforce each other. It's a lot easier to maintain better eating habits and a workout routine if you've got a friend to encourage/compete with/work out with you.

5. We all (well mostly) love our families; it doesn't mean we always like them. It may be that you need to spend a bit more time away from family until you can start to get yourself to a more comfortable place.

6. This is a big question that we all have to go through. I wish I had better advice than to just keep seeking answers. Maybe if you can tell who you're not, you can start to narrow down the answer?

7. You're damn right it is.

[Alent]

Blargh.

Spoiler

Show

Finally made some progress regarding post-crash injuries. Going for an MRI as soon as the imagery place calls to schedule, but doc is already certain we'll need to operate to fix the damage to my thumb. Got a name for a neck guy to go see who can hopefully tell me more about what's going on inside there to cause dryeye, tingly skin and tinnitus.

Normally having a clear answer like this would make me happy, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to cancel plans for my first real vacation in two years for the surgery.

[WarKitty]

So this is a bit of a dilemma. I understand why a lot of people feel that "I'm sorry you were hurt by what I did" isn't really an apology. At the same time...sometimes it's true? Like, it's not an attempt to avoid responsibility.

Like, what I'm trying to say is "I realize you were hurt by what I did, and I am genuinely sorry for that. I won't do it again! I didn't intend to hurt you, and it's not something that would have bothered me, but I see that it upsets you and I don't want that."

But I feel like if I don't say something that indicates that I knew what I did was wrong, it's considered a non-apology. And that's just not always the case - sometimes it genuinely is something that wouldn't have bugged me.

So I'm not really sure how to say things here.

[factotum]

I think it comes down to the phrasing. "I'm sorry you were hurt by what I did" sort of blames them for being hurt, whereas "I'm sorry I hurt you" makes it sound more like you're taking responsibility for whatever it was that caused them hurt.

[Chen]

I think it comes down to the phrasing. "I'm sorry you were hurt by what I did" sort of blames them for being hurt, whereas "I'm sorry I hurt you" makes it sound more like you're taking responsibility for whatever it was that caused them hurt.

This exactly. I cant really think of any situations where you'd want or need to the say the former instead of the latter.

[WarKitty]

I think it comes down to the phrasing. "I'm sorry you were hurt by what I did" sort of blames them for being hurt, whereas "I'm sorry I hurt you" makes it sound more like you're taking responsibility for whatever it was that caused them hurt.

I guess I feel like that still ends up being taken as a non-apology? Like, because it's not "I'm sorry I did X because I knew X was wrong", but it's "I'm sorry I did X because X hurt you", it's not really an apology?

[FreddyNoNose]

This is going to seem odd for "Personal Woes", but I'm really saddened that my favorite bookstore, Dark Carnival in Berkeley, is closing.

I've been going there since the late 1970's (IIRC the first book I bought there was "A Princess of Mars"), and I've met some fave authors there.

The other sci-fi/fantasy/mystery specialty bookstore, Other Change of Hobbit closed two years ago.

I think there's still Borderlands in San Francisco, but that's the side of the Bridge I work, not sleep.

I actually feel worse from this news, than I have upon learning that friends have died.

It sucks that the Other Change of Hobbit closed. I remember when the Hobbitch closed the Original Change of Hobbit and moved north.

[Glass Mouse]

Like, what I'm trying to say is "I realize you were hurt by what I did, and I am genuinely sorry for that. I won't do it again! I didn't intend to hurt you, and it's not something that would have bothered me, but I see that it upsets you and I don't want that."

Why not just say this? This is a good apology that covers all you want to say.

[WarKitty]

Why not just say this? This is a good apology that covers all you want to say.

Because the answer is "of course it would have bothered you, you're just trying to hide behind a non-apology that means you don't have to take responsibility for your actions."

[Glass Mouse]

Because the answer is "of course it would have bothered you, you're just trying to hide behind a non-apology that means you don't have to take responsibility for your actions."

Is this your mom again?

If you're genuinely worried about that (really unkind and borderline abusive) response, just scrap the latter sentence. The problem with the "I'm sorry you were hurt" apology is that it puts the onus on the hurt party, effectively saying "I did no wrong but I see your silly fragile emotions were hurt so social convention bids me to apologize but I see no reason to change my behaviour". Frankly, just acknowledging the need for a behaviour change and then committing to it is all you really need for a solid apology.

[Chen]

I guess I feel like that still ends up being taken as a non-apology? Like, because it's not "I'm sorry I did X because I knew X was wrong", but it's "I'm sorry I did X because X hurt you", it's not really an apology?

Frankly I'd just leave it as "I'm sorry I did X".

[Astrella]

I feel like my old self again lately, back before I turned into such an anxious, self-hating wreck. I've even learned to love myself again. Feels like breathing fresh air again, these last few months, after two years of choking on smoke. And since I made (perhaps too liberal) use of this thread in that interval, I just wanted to drop through and thank everybody who helped me work through that period of my life, and to say that I think it's finally over.

Oh I'm really glad you're doing better. :)

[Icewraith]

I feel like my old self again lately, back before I turned into such an anxious, self-hating wreck. I've even learned to love myself again. Feels like breathing fresh air again, these last few months, after two years of choking on smoke. And since I made (perhaps too liberal) use of this thread in that interval, I just wanted to drop through and thank everybody who helped me work through that period of my life, and to say that I think it's finally over.

You won! Enjoy your victory! Commit to memory how great you feel right now, and how you got here!

You may at some time in the future discover that things are looking smoky again. If that happens, remember that you were able to get out last time, remember how good the fresh air feels, and remember what helped you get out last time. Then work on getting out (or through) immediately, because now you recognize that the smoke is your enemy, last time you didn't notice it until it engulfed you.

[kyoryu]

So this is a bit of a dilemma. I understand why a lot of people feel that "I'm sorry you were hurt by what I did" isn't really an apology. At the same time...sometimes it's true? Like, it's not an attempt to avoid responsibility.

It's utterly an attempt to avoid responsibility. It's saying they're sorry you're hurt without directly accepting that they did anything wrong. It's a dodge that lets them make a socially acceptable noise without actually admitting fault.

I guess I feel like that still ends up being taken as a non-apology? Like, because it's not "I'm sorry I did X because I knew X was wrong", but it's "I'm sorry I did X because X hurt you", it's not really an apology?

Except the original statement isn't even that. It's not saying they're sorry for what they did. It's not saying they wouldn't do it again in the same circumstances. They're just sorry that you got hurt, but not accepting any ownership of that. It's a dodge. It's basically "I'm sorry you were hurt by this totally reasonable thing that I did."

Maybe I'm projecting a bit, having dealt with that one for years. But I think what's not said, in this case, is just as important as what is.

All it really takes is, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. My bad." Even if it's just because they hurt you, that's an apology. "I'm so sorry I hurt you." That's it. That's a fine apology, it takes ownership of what happened.

[FinnLassie]

I feel so pressured to eat now that I'm at mum's place. I hate eating so much. And I'm scared that when I get back home I'll end up fasting for a week...

[WarKitty]

It's utterly an attempt to avoid responsibility. It's saying they're sorry you're hurt without directly accepting that they did anything wrong. It's a dodge that lets them make a socially acceptable noise without actually admitting fault.



Except the original statement isn't even that. It's not saying they're sorry for what they did. It's not saying they wouldn't do it again in the same circumstances. They're just sorry that you got hurt, but not accepting any ownership of that. It's a dodge. It's basically "I'm sorry you were hurt by this totally reasonable thing that I did."

Maybe I'm projecting a bit, having dealt with that one for years. But I think what's not said, in this case, is just as important as what is.

All it really takes is, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. My bad." Even if it's just because they hurt you, that's an apology. "I'm so sorry I hurt you." That's it. That's a fine apology, it takes ownership of what happened.

I don't know. I mean, for me...I'm happy to take responsibility for the fact that what I did hurt someone? But I don't necessarily like feeling like I'm forced into taking responsibility for how I shouldn't have done something that I really didn't have a good way of knowing that I shouldn't have done. Especially because then I'm going to hear about how awful and cruel and insensitive I am for having done something that I didn't know was going to hurt the other person, and there's nothing I can say back because after all, I apologized! I said I should have known better! So obviously I've admitted how awful a person I am for doing something anyway when I should have known better and decided to do it!

I feel like it's more like, say someone in the house has a migraine. I don't know they have a migraine. I start to play the piano, which causes them pain because that's how migraines work. Sure, I started to play the piano, and it hurt them. And I'm sorry that that hurt them. But I don't want to feel like I'm being pressured into admitting how wrong it was for me to start playing the piano when I had no idea that would hurt them. Especially not if I'm going to then be guilted for the next month for doing so and have any protests responded to with "but you admitted you shouldn't have done it!"

I guess I feel like I'm stuck in a dichotomy. Either I have to imply that I did something wrong when I don't really feel that I had a good way to know it was wrong, or I'm effectively implying the other person is wrong for being hurt. What I want to do is hit a middle ground of accidents happen, I'm not blaming the other person for being hurt, I'm sorry that what I did hurt them and I won't do it again, but I really didn't mean to hurt them and I don't want to admit I was badwrong for not knowing.

[sktarq]

I feel so pressured to eat now that I'm at mum's place. I hate eating so much. And I'm scared that when I get back home I'll end up fasting for a week...

*MEEP* Okay, first-don't do that.

Second- copeing - at your mum's - keep a plate snacks nearby-crackers or something. The visual of you carrying a plate of food. And occasionally bringing food to your mouth will probably satisfy her smothering mothering.

When you get home PLAN your meals. Preferable some that requires some but not a lot of prep. Enough to get you invested in eating what you worked at but not enough to scare you away from starting. And when I say plan get the food into the fridge ASAP- so you can put the "but I already got the stuff and don't want it to go bad" against the fear of it.

[WarKitty]

I don't know. Yes, this is about my mother. And that's part of the problem. Because in my family I don't feel like there's and such thing as just "you made a mistake." If you admit that you're wrong, that's a weapon. So I'm very reluctant to do anything that appears to take on more responsibility than I strictly feel like is mine. Which is probably not the best, but if I'm going to be guilt tripped I'd darn well like to be actually guilty.

[dehro]

I feel so pressured to eat now that I'm at mum's place. I hate eating so much. And I'm scared that when I get back home I'll end up fasting for a week...

I'm trying to understand... what is it you hate about it?
And yeah, don't do the fasting thing

[Chen]

I don't know. Yes, this is about my mother. And that's part of the problem. Because in my family I don't feel like there's and such thing as just "you made a mistake." If you admit that you're wrong, that's a weapon. So I'm very reluctant to do anything that appears to take on more responsibility than I strictly feel like is mine. Which is probably not the best, but if I'm going to be guilt tripped I'd darn well like to be actually guilty.

As I said earlier, why not just be brief then? You do something that upsets someone else and get called on it? Just say "Oh, sorry about that" and stop doing said thing (assuming it's not already stopped). You can add a "I won't do it again" if you want but frankly its just opening up the situations for more confrontation and from all the other posts you've made regarding your mother, that's probably not a good thing.

[WarKitty]

As I said earlier, why not just be brief then? You do something that upsets someone else and get called on it? Just say "Oh, sorry about that" and stop doing said thing (assuming it's not already stopped). You can add a "I won't do it again" if you want but frankly its just opening up the situations for more confrontation and from all the other posts you've made regarding your mother, that's probably not a good thing.

Because the answer is "Sorry for what? You're not really sorry unless you're willing to tell me what you did wrong. You're just trying to blow me off because you don't really think you did anything wrong."

[OACSNY97]

Will "I regret that ..." statements work?

-DH

Because the answer is "Sorry for what? You're not really sorry unless you're willing to tell me what you did wrong. You're just trying to blow me off because you don't really think you did anything wrong."

[Cozzer]

Because in my family I don't feel like there's and such thing as just "you made a mistake." If you admit that you're wrong, that's a weapon. So I'm very reluctant to do anything that appears to take on more responsibility than I strictly feel like is mine.

The fact is, you can't win with people who act like that. Even if you managed to find literally the best apology ever, it would still be not good enough because their goal is not for you to acknowledge your mistake and do better, it's for you to keep being in their power. All these advice, all the effort thinking "maybe if I just say..." will be wasted because their answer is already decided! The fact that you're even spending time and energy trying to think of a way to apologize that will be good enough (which, again, doesn't exist) is part of their game, which is one of these games where the only winning move is not to play.

So, don't play! You acknowledged to yourself that you did something wrong, whatever that was, and you stated to yourself that you're going to try to do better. That's enough! You're already a good enough person! You don't need (and won't be able to) get this into the head of someone who refuses to get it into their head.

Normally I would advise to say a simple "Well, for whatever it's worth, I'm sorry about X" and disengage if (when) they try to use it as an excuse to lock you in a "you need to prove to me that you're sorry enough" fight. But since it's not your first (or tenth, or hundredth, by the sound of it) rodeo, skip that. You already know how it goes once it starts, you can't change that, but you can choose not to start it.

[lt_murgen]

Because the answer is "Sorry for what? You're not really sorry unless you're willing to tell me what you did wrong. You're just trying to blow me off because you don't really think you did anything wrong."

I have had similar situations in the past with my mother-in-law. I found that "I'm sorry, I didn't realize..." tends to work. It says that you are sorry for not realizing the impact of your actions on another. But it doesn't say your are sorry for doing the action.

"I'm sorry that I didn't realize you had a migraine when I started playing the piano. I will check first in the future."

[WarKitty]

I have had similar situations in the past with my mother-in-law. I found that "I'm sorry, I didn't realize..." tends to work. It says that you are sorry for not realizing the impact of your actions on another. But it doesn't say your are sorry for doing the action.

"I'm sorry that I didn't realize you had a migraine when I started playing the piano. I will check first in the future."

See, the trouble here is you're in a situation where the truth is "Sorry, I didn't realize that would be something you'd see as rude/that would hurt you." Which gets back to the whole thing where it sounds like you're implying the other person is just being too sensitive.