Personal Woes and Advice 4

[Bulldog Psion]

Thank you, guys. You've given me some good, solid advice, and I really appreciate it; I know words are cheap, but I truly am grateful for this. Your willingness to provide detailed commentary on the situation warms my soul.

(Also, this situation is why I've occasionally been somewhat grouchy on the forums. An unfortunate situation sometimes bleeds over into one's other pursuits, especially when a peak of unfortunate-ness occurs. Which I feel bad about and do my best to avoid, but alas, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.)

[TechnOkami]

Ugh. I always hate posting here because everyone else's problems are considerably bigger than mine, and I just feel like a whiner.

Particularly since I know they all stem from incredible stupidity on my part.

But, oh well, I'm going to whine like there's no tomorrow. Spoilering for those who don't want to read about the problems of a jackass who got himself into a lousy situation.

Spoiler: Read at your own peril (or boredom)

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Anyway, quick summary of my life up to this point. When I was 15, my parents decided to move to a super-super-super-rural spot in Northern Wisconsin. It's about the most remote spot you could find in the continental U.S.; it's an hour's drive at 65 mph highway speeds from the nearest SMALL city of 8,000 people; for a bigger city, you have to go further.

There are 180 people in this town, of whom like 95% are retirees. There are two businesses, a convenience store owned by a family who only have family members working at the place, and a smoked fish production place that sometimes hires part-time workers (also owned by the convenience store people).

So, I found myself at 15 plunked down here in the middle of nowhere, no experience, no money. For some reason, my parents didn't buy me a junker car even though they were, at that point, sitting on like $80,000 cash following the sale of their old house and the purchase of the new rural one.

So, with no money, no work within walking distance, no friends because I was home-educated, and two families utterly uninterested in assisting a younger member with nothing, I sat for years in the middle of nowhere.

Eventually, my parents started a craft business. A labor-intensive craft business that, at its absolute peak, generated $21,000 per year, of which I saw exactly $0. I worked at that for about 6 years, though, on the promise that when it "took off" I would get paid. Ha, ha.

The craft business fliffed out, my parents retired, and I tried starting a couple of businesses. I tried a craft business of my own but didn't have enough money to go for it. I tried opening a gift shop, which actually broke even the first year, but then my parents' old car, which I was using to get to it, died totally, and I couldn't get to it to run it in order to pay the rent, and that died.

Oh yes, somewhere in the middle here I went to the university, and earned an economics degree. And a big pile of student loan debt.

I got a part-time job at the Post Office, with the postmaster promising me extravagantly that when he retired, I'd be in line for getting the job. Well, that was probably true; I was good at it at, and I was the only local candidate to run it. Then the Post Office decided to close a lot of its small branches, and I was out on my ear, while the postmaster was transferred to a better-paying job elsewhere. Have fun, Bulldog!

So, I finally got on the Internet, and started freelance writing. Lo and behold, I made an income! I've been making an income for like 6 years now. Two years ago, I bought my first vehicle ever, a 2001 Pontiac Montana that I'm still driving. Love vans now, too.

Anyway, I met a lady from Kazakhstan online during those years, and then in person, and we got married. Stupid, stupid me. As it turns out, without going into a huge detail, we like each other and wish each other well, but we're majorly culturally incompatible. However, this whole process -- getting her immigration papers, etc., visiting her, etc. -- cost a large amount of money.

So, the idea was that my parents would fix up the upper floor of their house for us to live in rent-free, while I built up enough money to get an apartment or maybe even put a down payment on a small house for us. Sounds cozy, doesn't it?

And this is where hell started.

I stayed overseas and then at a friend's place for 9 months with my wife to give my parents time to fix up the upstairs for us to use. They assured me that they were working on it hugely, that was a "cute little apartment" and we'd love it, blah blah.

And we got there. And the place wasn't fixed up. There was no running water upstairs. The electricity was so bad you couldn't run a microwave and a lightbulb at the same time. The windows were in such disrepair that floods of insects rolled in every night, attracted by the light, despite my desperate efforts to keep them out with rolls and rolls of tape. Heck, when we got there, there was a thick layer of dust on everything, and the windows were full of piles of dead flies. It was the opposite of the welcome wagon: it was a total rat-hole whose every inch shouted that the two people giving us this spot to live could give a **** less about us.

And then, when it upset my wife and she cried about the situation -- then it was on it. Pure hatred directed at her by my mother, though my dad kind of stayed aloof. From that moment on, it was pure hell living in that house.

The conditions were utterly unspeakable; I had literally no money left after rattling around for 9 months, including paying my friend rent (it wasn't a huge amount, but it still was an amount), buying tickets for my wife and me to fly to the U.S., and so on and so forth. And the immigration papers aren't free, either.

And every time my wife didn't like something, it was the frickin' end of the world. My mother went into Enraged Valkyrie mode and the house was misery from end to end. And if I complained about something, my mother didn't get mad at me -- she took it out on my wife, because that "evil woman is putting my poor little boy up to these groundless complaints."

Every day living there was a struggle and a misery. The "apartment" was so inconvenient that it interfered with my freelancing, because the smallest task took a loooong time. When the nearest running water is downstairs, in a space occupied by hostile people, it becomes a real misery to wash your hands. Or use the toilet. Or cook. Or clean. Or drink.

Finally, I got the money together for rent and we bailed to a new location, where we're now living.

At the moment, I've been trying to get together the money to get my wife back to Kazakhstan, where she wants to go, for over a year, and I've got about half of it saved.

Now, considering the obstacles, I haven't done too badly, even though freelancing doesn't pay hugely. We make rent, we have food, I keep my car running, and our old, broken-down computers haven't died yet, thankfully. Since I need a computer to work.

I've got a small business plan based on the freelancing, which I think has a decent chance of turning a profit. But I need around $5K to start it, $10K would be be better.

And now we come back to the wonders of Family. My parents own a tract of forested land worth about $25K. There's a guy who wants to buy it for a hunting cabin because there are a LOT of deer living in that area.

My parents always assured me this land was "mine" and they would just hold onto it for me until it was needed.

Well, I asked them to sell the land and gift me and me wife the proceeds. And it turns out the land is "mine" as long as I build a house on it and live there (though they'll keep the deed). But sell it for me so that I can get the screaming bills off my back, such as unpaid medical bills, or fix up my car a little, or get my wife back home, or try starting my business? Ha, ha, forget it, buddy. That eeeeeevil woman must be putting you up to it! How we hate her!!!!!!

So, at the moment, I'm in a real cleft stick in a way. I can live at a subsistence level anyway; I'll probably put together the money to get my wife back to Kazakhstan by this summer. She and I are planning on an amicable, though rather regretful, divorce; we like each other, as noted, just that we're ill-suited to one another. And that's pretty tragic, in a way, but I'm not here to shed a tear over that; that's just how life is sometimes.

But I'm still furious that that money is sitting there in that land, which they are doing absolutely nothing with other than letting it sit there forever -- that money could spare me a whole lot of misery, and the fact that it's sitting there taunting me and is out of reach because, frankly, my parents have to remain in control rather than recognizing me as a frickin' adult, is really maddening. "It's yours -- but you can't use it the way you want and need to, only the way we want it" really makes me see red, especially every time I have problems with money, which is like an every-other-day occurrence. I'm struggling, and this thing that was promised to me is being held out of reach.

And it ticks me off incredibly that they handed us an utterly unlivable situation, and then blamed my wife for not liking it. With actual, venomous hatred. And I get treated to a verbal hatefest if I mention anything about that land, etc. etc., when talking to them.

Once I get my wife back to Kazakhstan and we divorce, I'm not sure what to do. I don't like to be mad at my parents, I remember good times from years ago, and my wife doesn't want me to be mad at them either (she's the forgiving type -- I'm not).

Their idea is for me to come live with them so I don't need to pay rent, and can build up some money and then move where I want to and try starting my business idea. But I don't know if I can stomach seeing them and hearing them ragging on my (by-then-ex-)wife, who I like and respect even if we're not meant to build a life together.

It really, really bothers me that they dump everything on my wife, insult her, run her down, and use any independent thought of mine to "blame" her for "corrupting" me. It's pretty insulting to me, also, that they assume the reason I might not agree with them 100% on everything -- particularly what I do with my life -- is that I'm being controlled like a zombie by my wife. Particularly since I think their actions have been pretty controlling as well. Heck, even the idea that they're so sensible that I'd reach exactly the same conclusions about what to do with myself as they do, is pretty controlling.

So, what am I going to do? Continue living in a hand-to-mouth way and never have the opportunity to try for my business idea, because I can't save enough money to do it?

Or do I go live with a couple of people who I can't stand at the moment, whose actions I feel deeply offended by, and who have the condescending attitude that I'm only in my right mind (just about literally) when I agree 100% with their viewpoint, so that I can eventually save the money to attempt to earn a better income with my idea?

Neither solution is too appealing. Though at the moment, I'm kind of thinking #1 is better, since at least my adrenaline won't go through the roof hearing them run down my wife.

Am I just being snooty here and unfair to my parents? Or did they really dump a load of garbage on me and my wife, then get offended that we didn't like the trash accommodations they offered, then insult me by saying that my choice to do something (like sell property allegedly mine to get out of financial difficulties) is because I'm a cipher who is being puppeteered by my wife, and is it really unfair of them to hate her because I choose to disagree with them on some things?

Ugggghhhhhh, what a situation. What an idiot I am.

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So, before I say anything else, let me get this out of the way.

Your parents, are capital, C, C@nts.

I do not use that swear word lightly, because I personally use it when it is most deserving, and your parents EASILY fall that low on my scale. Easily.

To be entirely honest, other than the bits where you are calling yourself an idiot throughout your post, what I think you should honestly, truly, bluntly do is this:

Take this post. Print it. Laminate it. Grab some nails and a hammer and head over to your parents' house. Then like Martin Luther and his Ninety-Five Theses, nail those papers to their front door. If they don't have a peep of a reaction that swings in your favor in any way, shape, or form, or somehow shows to them just how C@ntly they are and have been to you, you get out.

You move. Period. End of story.

How they have treated you and your very close friend is so unspeakably deplorable I struggle to find enough verbs to accurately describe it, but if you gave me enough time I would rip them apart.

You do not need that level of sh!t which they are force feeding down your and your friends' throats, and you need to get out as soon as you get the chance and cut off all communication with them.

I really like Cristo Meyers' idea of a Go Fund Me thingamajig to get the internet to help you help yourself and your close friend, and you should get onto that.

As far as making money in other ways? Even if you can't sell the land which has a lot of deer on it, you should still talk to your hunter guy about perhaps allowing him to hunt on it, for a fee. How you set it up is up to you, whether it's per kill or a once-per-day kind of deal, that's up to you, but as far as ways generating money goes, that's what I would suggest.

My deep, deep condolences for your current living situation. I would not wish this upon anyone, because I do not wish that upon me.

So, that dissertation aside, you mentioned that you made money doing freelance writing? How, or more specifically, where? I'm fairly sure I'm a decent writer, and to be entirely honest writing sounds a whole lot more entertaining to me as a money-making form of revenue than the job I currently have.

[Jon_Dahl]

Oh lordy lordy lord... I waited so eagerly to learn Portuguese at the college, but now I have a Portuguese teacher who doesn't understand the version of Portuguese that I speak. I have problems arguing with her, since I know that she's dismissing lots of things that I know, but I can't explain them to her because I lack the academic ability to make my point. I've spent hours today trying to prove her that subjunctive mood doesn't work like she says.

[Bobbybobby99]

This particular problem of mine isn't quite personal, but it heavily relates to me, so I think it counts.

Namely, my wonderful, favorite aunt (her and my Grandmother are the only people that aren't completely unlikable in my family), runs a lovely pet shop. She's having financial trouble with it, because a PetCo opened nearby, and working her behind off trying to keep it running. She works from 11-8 there, every day, while also having to maintain a warehouse. All of this trouble is because her old pet store was taken from her by an [CENSORED] of a landlord that wanted his son to have a Party Store of his very own, and finagled her lease so she had to leave. She was going to have a big sale and turn a profit, but my Uncle bailed on her when she counted on him, because drugs.

That's the background. The recent part is that her separated husband now has a pregnant fiancée. Now, that would be okay, since they're separated and planning a divorce, but he didn't just do that. She constantly has to 'lend' him money that he never pays back, but she was refusing to do so this time because, well, pregnant fiancée. Note that he makes way more money than her, he just gambles and drinks it all away. I help her out sometimes at the store, like Sunday. Her 'husband', who is a gigantic jerk, barged in an demanded that she give him forty dollars. She said no, I gave my verbal support for her decision while giving him a very irritated look. He started yelling, I started dressing him down, then when she wouldn't give him the money, he grinned. He said "Well, if you're gonna listen to that little [CENSORED]-" and then demanded she give him her work car. He already has a car, and it was supposed to be her car, but 'the deed was in his name'. So then she gave him the keys after getting her supplies out of it, and it's Tuesday, and I am furious. Furious!

Hoo, venting.

[Alent]

Bulldog, man, I feel for you.

Having followed your story for a while now, I have to admit I'm surprised with how the whole thing has played out. It's pretty crazy in general.

I do agree with your wife. Internally, you should forgive your parents. Don't put yourself in a situation to continue being abused- you absolutely have to protect yourself and well being. Holding on to bitterness is not going to help your well being, just hurt it. (This is, admittedly, much easier said than done.)

As far as making money in other ways? Even if you can't sell the land which has a lot of deer on it, you should still talk to your hunter guy about perhaps allowing him to hunt on it, for a fee. How you set it up is up to you, whether it's per kill or a once-per-day kind of deal, that's up to you, but as far as ways generating money goes, that's what I would suggest.

I'll second this.

My grandmother's wilderness property, before she passed away, would lease out hunting rights to a local hunting club on a seasonal basis. It didn't bring in much, but she also wasn't charging enough, either. Given your circumstances with the high deer density, and his willingness to buy the property, I would say you could probably lease it out for a reasonable amount every hunting season. (Just make sure to give him right of first refusal on re-renting each deer season.)

I would look around to see what seasonal hunting leases go for in your area, then talk to the family and make sure they're okay with it and willing to let you have the earnings.

[lio45]

I'll second this.

My grandmother's wilderness property, before she passed away, would lease out hunting rights to a local hunting club on a seasonal basis. It didn't bring in much, but she also wasn't charging enough, either. Given your circumstances with the high deer density, and his willingness to buy the property, I would say you could probably lease it out for a reasonable amount every hunting season. (Just make sure to give him right of first refusal on re-renting each deer season.)

I would look around to see what seasonal hunting leases go for in your area, then talk to the family and make sure they're okay with it and willing to let you have the earnings.

From my own experience (I own forested lands in an area that's full of moose and deer and cottages and hunters) I don't think there's a chance that anyone will pay for the right to hunt.

I have local guys who looked me up and asked me if they could hunt on my lands... I said yes, and in exchange for that, they're keeping an eye on the place for me. I could also likely ask them for a bit of meat every fall as tribute, on those years I don't get a deer myself.

That guy is interested in buying the land and building himself a cabin there, because he knows the land is likely for sale, and wants to have his own land and cabin. I can almost guarantee that that guy knows and is in good terms with plenty of other landowners in this outdoorsman paradise region where there's basically forest and deer everywhere you look, and is therefore not lacking options and places to hunt for free.

May I suggest (again based on my own experience) nearly clear-cutting the land, instead? Deed to it stays in the family...

Northern WI is in the native range of Sugar Maple, Black Cherry, Yellow Birch -- all of those are worth quite a bit of coin.

Alternatively, again based on my grandpa's experience -- if you know any maple syrup producers in the area, and your forest has enough mature Sugar Maples, now THAT is something that might be worth leasing. Pretty sure, though, that they'd have to be directly neighboring you to be interested and for it to be financially worth it to run collecting piping on your property. It's the case with my grandpa's land...

I think your best bet is to try to reason with your parents. Are they going to give you that land someday, anyway? I mean, they won't live forever, and you're likely to outlive them. If you have decided you'll sell that land, why make you wait?

[Bulldog Psion]

So, that dissertation aside, you mentioned that you made money doing freelance writing? How, or more specifically, where? I'm fairly sure I'm a decent writer, and to be entirely honest writing sounds a whole lot more entertaining to me as a money-making form of revenue than the job I currently have.

I've had horrible Internet troubles the past two days, so I haven't responded as much I wanted. But a quick message for now:

Unfortunately, I'm not quite sure what to offer as advice about freelancing. See, I started on Elance, which was an excellent site, but they're closing it down, because the greed bug bit them.

Now they're moving everyone over to UpWork, which is a horrible platform full of 30-cent-for-a-thousand-pages workers and an almost unusable interface.

I'm lucky enough to have two long-term clients who have me booked up for this year at least; and who are working with me directly, off any platform.

I guess you could try UpWork, though; I'll try to work up some pointers for you and PM it to you this evening, if I get the chance. Sorry I didn't get back sooner.

P.S. The 95 Theses made me crack up. Thank you!

[WarKitty]

A more minor issue here:

I have a coworker who is being obnoxious about some topics that are rather important to me. And it's taking up more headspace than I'd really like. I don't think it's bad enough to go to management, I just could use some tips on getting him out of my head.

[Chen]

I mean you can tell them you're not comfortable discussing those things if you don't want to argue with them. Alternatively just ignoring them can work but can end up being MORE confrontational if you don't explain why. This assumes they're talking directly to you about these things. If it's just things you're overhearing, then ignoring it is probably the best case. Putting things into perspective, consider the amount of ridiculously terrible ideas/opinions that people have in the world. There's bound to be a couple of said people around you. You can't really fight them all so trying to ignore it is probably best, especially since you said its probably not severe enough to warrant talking to management about.

[Bulldog Psion]

Regarding the much-appreciated advice and input that you kind folks have offered regarding my strange situation -- let me put this in spoilers to avoid threadjacking here:

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First of all, thank you all very, very much. The excellent people here are the reason I love this forum -- wish I could give all of you a hearty handshake!

About the various solutions offered:

• I like the Go Fund Me idea a lot, as a way to try to get my business idea going, but I'm not sure how I'd attract attention to it and persuade anyone to donate. That's the biggest obstacle -- I've been pretty much kicking around that idea for a year, but it's kind of pointless doing a Go Fund Me if it nets me nothing, and I can't imagine it netting me something.
• Unfortunately, as pointed out, one can't rent land to hunters in the middle of half a state of prime hunting land. Nice thought, though -- thank you.
• Yes, the advantage here is that the guy wants the land for a cabin. That's pretty much the only reason it's worth much of anything at all.
• I'll look into the timber cutting, but I doubt I can have it logged, either. :(
• I'm not sure what to do about my parents. On the one hand, they're getting pretty old, so part of me wants to pretend none of this happened, and remain in contact with them. The other part of me is extremely enraged over their treatment of my wife and me, and wants to depart the area, never to see them or contact them again, and start again with a clean slate and without them lurking around in the background as a reminder of all this.

[WarKitty]

I mean you can tell them you're not comfortable discussing those things if you don't want to argue with them. Alternatively just ignoring them can work but can end up being MORE confrontational if you don't explain why. This assumes they're talking directly to you about these things. If it's just things you're overhearing, then ignoring it is probably the best case. Putting things into perspective, consider the amount of ridiculously terrible ideas/opinions that people have in the world. There's bound to be a couple of said people around you. You can't really fight them all so trying to ignore it is probably best, especially since you said its probably not severe enough to warrant talking to management about.

The difficulty right now is getting it more out of my head. I find myself replaying the scenarios over and over, thinking about what I could have/should have said. Or worrying about what he might say next (I have something coming up that I'm almost positive he's going to make a mean comment about). And I don't like that it's taking up so much headspace over one jerk.

[Icewraith]

The difficulty right now is getting it more out of my head. I find myself replaying the scenarios over and over, thinking about what I could have/should have said. Or worrying about what he might say next (I have something coming up that I'm almost positive he's going to make a mean comment about). And I don't like that it's taking up so much headspace over one jerk.

I dunno if it works with people, but the "Kirby's Dream Land" theme usually overcomes all other songs that may be stuck in my head, including the dreaded "It's a Small World".

[WarKitty]

I dunno if it works with people, but the "Kirby's Dream Land" theme usually overcomes all other songs that may be stuck in my head, including the dreaded "It's a Small World".

Never heard of it.

[Red Fel]

Never heard of it.

Yours are ears most bles't in their ignorance. May they always remain so.

But yeah. If you have someone taking up headspace they don't deserve, you have at least two options, and probably some others.

1. Force them out of your headspace by putting something else into it. The earworm example is a good illustration - if you need to squeeze a song out of your head, cram another one in its place. Dive into a project that demands your attention. Take up humming. Get excited about your plans after work. Part of what makes it hard to get something out of your head is the fact that you're aware of how hard it is. Once it's out of your head, it's less of an issue.
2. Develop a level of psychopathy that allows you to diminish this person's value as a person in your mind. When he ceases to be a person at all, he ceases to be worthy of your attention, and you'll simply stop thinking about him. For what should be obvious reasons, this solution is not for everybody.

I'd work on number 1, personally, but that's only because I've been down road number 2, and frankly, forgetting that people have feelings can really get in the way of being entertained by them. Just trust me on that.

[lio45]

I'll look into the timber cutting, but I doubt I can have it logged, either. :(

You mean you think your parents won't let you? Or you mean you don't think the current forest cover has any meaningful market value given its somewhat remote location?

I'm not sure what to do about my parents. On the one hand, they're getting pretty old, so part of me wants to pretend none of this happened, and remain in contact with them. The other part of me is extremely enraged over their treatment of my wife and me, and wants to depart the area, never to see them or contact them again, and start again with a clean slate and without them lurking around in the background as a reminder of all this.

I think you should at least keep in touch with them. If you sever all ties, you might have regrets later.

You can put some distance, for the time being.

If I were you, I would still try to do a bit more work on them regarding "your" land. Do you have any siblings that could potentially keep it in the family after your parents are gone? If not, then you might be able to make them understand the inescapable fact that it WILL get sold sooner or later if you decide so.

[Insane Trystane]

Oh lordy lordy lord... I waited so eagerly to learn Portuguese at the college, but now I have a Portuguese teacher who doesn't understand the version of Portuguese that I speak. I have problems arguing with her, since I know that she's dismissing lots of things that I know, but I can't explain them to her because I lack the academic ability to make my point. I've spent hours today trying to prove her that subjunctive mood doesn't work like she says.

Hi! Welcome to what linguists call the difference between prescriptive and descriptive language. If you're a native Portuguese speaker, you may use grammatical rules that aren't "correct" by textbook standards, just like how native English speakers end sentences with prepositions without hesitation even though it's "wrong." And even if she is also a native speaker, you might have different dialects.

Trouble is, she's the teacher and you're the student. Even when you're right, she's the one in power. Now, there's two ways you can look at it: An excercise in futility, because you're never going to change her mind, or an opportunity to get more in depth with the language than your peers can. Make notes in the margins about things that you and the book disagree with. List hypothetical sentences and check whether they're grammatical to you, your teacher, both, or neither. If you really wanna study Portuguese, this is a great way to get even more out of your studies! (And if you find you enjoy it, I highly recommend taking an introductory Linguistics course--but then again, I'm biased. :)

[JNAProductions]

Okay, so not sure if this belongs here or in Relationship Advice, but recently two of my friends were complaining about some of their complications involving their boyfriends. And I won't go into details, but suffice to say, I kinda want to slap them because their problems (from what I know-and supposedly I only know half the story) is "It's complicated because they're so damn perfect!"

Don't get me wrong-I'm happy for them both. I'm glad they have someone. But it's a stark reminder that I don't really have anyone like that, and I'm just feeling really lonely.

[TechnOkami]

Yeah, I was feeling the loneliness set in earlier today. Like, 12:00 AM loneliness.

So I decided to sleep in all day, then go walk around, buy my favorite kind of chocolate, and buy some things I wanted to get such as a new hdmi cord for my lappy top and a new usb port.

So I treated myself today to some ****ake mushrooms today, which was nice.

Aaaaaaaaaand I've got to wake up super early tomorrow! Isn't grocery work fun?!?!

[Icewraith]

Okay, so not sure if this belongs here or in Relationship Advice, but recently two of my friends were complaining about some of their complications involving their boyfriends. And I won't go into details, but suffice to say, I kinda want to slap them because their problems (from what I know-and supposedly I only know half the story) is "It's complicated because they're so damn perfect!"

Don't get me wrong-I'm happy for them both. I'm glad they have someone. But it's a stark reminder that I don't really have anyone like that, and I'm just feeling really lonely.

There's a stereotype of a person who complains about their life as a passive aggressive way of initiating a pissing contest (in which they are winning, obviously). There's also a stereotype of a bitter and angry single person that nobody in a relationship really wants to talk to in case something about their relationship comes up and triggers a rant on singleness from the single person.

If the first stereotype is actually what's playing out, your challenge is not to become the second stereotype as a way of shutting the process down.

More generally, if your singleness is bothering you, and you've been single for quite some time, take stock. Are you putting a large amount of effort in to attracting a partner? Are you happy and at least moderately successful in other areas of your life? If the answers are yes and no repsectively, put more effort into living a happy, fulfilling life. Make sure you have a social circle, have fun things you like to do socially, have hobbies you can talk to other people about, have a job you can stand and that pays you enough to live (not survive, live) off of.

The idea is to build a life that you'll be happy with regardless of your relationship status. If you're honestly happy, then people are more likely to want to share that life with you. Now.... if you've honestly done all that, and there aren't any massive deal breakers (look, my partner will understand there's more to me than my four foot long narwhal tooth and asyptomatic typhoid) you're leaving out, and there has been sufficient time for things to actually work (I've been lifting weights for a week and I haven't gotten a date yet! This is bullcrap!), I got nothin'.

[JNAProductions]

There's a stereotype of a person who complains about their life as a passive aggressive way of initiating a pissing contest (in which they are winning, obviously). There's also a stereotype of a bitter and angry single person that nobody in a relationship really wants to talk to in case something about their relationship comes up and triggers a rant on singleness from the single person.

If the first stereotype is actually what's playing out, your challenge is not to become the second stereotype as a way of shutting the process down.

More generally, if your singleness is bothering you, and you've been single for quite some time, take stock. Are you putting a large amount of effort in to attracting a partner? Are you happy and at least moderately successful in other areas of your life? If the answers are yes and no repsectively, put more effort into living a happy, fulfilling life. Make sure you have a social circle, have fun things you like to do socially, have hobbies you can talk to other people about, have a job you can stand and that pays you enough to live (not survive, live) off of.

The idea is to build a life that you'll be happy with regardless of your relationship status. If you're honestly happy, then people are more likely to want to share that life with you. Now.... if you've honestly done all that, and there aren't any massive deal breakers (look, my partner will understand there's more to me than my four foot long narwhal tooth and asyptomatic typhoid) you're leaving out, and there has been sufficient time for things to actually work (I've been lifting weights for a week and I haven't gotten a date yet! This is bullcrap!), I got nothin'.

I'm not trying to initiate a pissing contest, and I (don't think) I'm bitter or angry.

I'm trying to attract a partner. I've asked out a few girls I've liked (and got rejected) and I'm active on OK Cupid. And I guess I'm reasonably happy.

I just kinda wanted to get it off my chest. Usually I can look at myself, say "I'm single, it sucks, but whatever, I'm good" but when I posted... I was just feeling real lonely.

Thank you for your advice.

[Talar]

So I have had depression for most of my life, and I usually can handle it pretty well. Recently it has become a bit more difficult to shoulder. Not overwhelmingly so or anything, more a product of a bunch of life choices all coming at once, being the end of college and whatnot. But I was just wondering what are somethings other people do to help with depression? I usually go to my hobbies but I am finding them lackluster and I guess I'm just lacking passion for them right now? I was just curious as to what other people do.

[JNAProductions]

So I have had depression for most of my life, and I usually can handle it pretty well. Recently it has become a bit more difficult to shoulder. Not overwhelmingly so or anything, more a product of a bunch of life choices all coming at once, being the end of college and whatnot. But I was just wondering what are somethings other people do to help with depression? I usually go to my hobbies but I am finding them lackluster and I guess I'm just lacking passion for them right now? I was just curious as to what other people do.

I go to see medical professionals. Assuming you're already doing that (and if not, go do that) I try hanging with friends. And don't worry about saying "Hey, depression is kinda kicking my butt right now. Think you can help?"

Trust me-friends are a great thing to have.

[Icewraith]

I'm not trying to initiate a pissing contest, and I (don't think) I'm bitter or angry.

I'm trying to attract a partner. I've asked out a few girls I've liked (and got rejected) and I'm active on OK Cupid. And I guess I'm reasonably happy.

I just kinda wanted to get it off my chest. Usually I can look at myself, say "I'm single, it sucks, but whatever, I'm good" but when I posted... I was just feeling real lonely.

Thank you for your advice.

The pissing contest was intended to be the people annoying you. However, best to make sure you're not falling into that one as well. As far as the advice goes, it's the only mate-finding advice I think I've ever seen work reliably (when actually implemented). It can also, depending on how honest you are with yourself, be extremely difficult to actually implement. You may not want to thank me for it just yet, but you're certainly welcome to it.

[Talar]

I go to see medical professionals. Assuming you're already doing that (and if not, go do that) I try hanging with friends. And don't worry about saying "Hey, depression is kinda kicking my butt right now. Think you can help?"

Trust me-friends are a great thing to have.

So the counseling center at my school is in short complete crap. They will only see people if suicide is eminent, and when I did manage to get a few appointments in a couple years ago the therapist didn't actually help at all, just went well yeah you seem to have depression and offered nothing beyond that. And as for friends, my best friend was recently unjustly suspended from the university, one reason being a mutual friend was a coward and let him out to dry for what was the mutual friend's mistake. My other close friend I can trust with this kind of thing works close about 5 hours a week and is also a full time student and so hanging out and talking with her is incredibly difficult.

[JNAProductions]

So the counseling center at my school is in short complete crap. They will only see people if suicide is eminent, and when I did manage to get a few appointments in a couple years ago the therapist didn't actually help at all, just went well yeah you seem to have depression and offered nothing beyond that. And as for friends, my best friend was recently unjustly suspended from the university, one reason being a mutual friend was a coward and let him out to dry for what was the mutual friend's mistake. My other close friend I can trust with this kind of thing works close about 5 hours a week and is also a full time student and so hanging out and talking with her is incredibly difficult.

Okay. Well, first things first: *Offers hugs*

Second things second, do see if you can find time for friends. It will help, even if it's hard to manage. If it really isn't possible, though, it's not possible.

Third of all, I mean full-on professionals-like a psychiatrist. Now, we're not allowed to give medical advice on these boards, so that's all I can say on it, but a real professional (not just a school therapist) should be able to help.

[Icewraith]

So the counseling center at my school is in short complete crap. They will only see people if suicide is eminent, and when I did manage to get a few appointments in a couple years ago the therapist didn't actually help at all, just went well yeah you seem to have depression and offered nothing beyond that. And as for friends, my best friend was recently unjustly suspended from the university, one reason being a mutual friend was a coward and let him out to dry for what was the mutual friend's mistake. My other close friend I can trust with this kind of thing works close about 5 hours a week and is also a full time student and so hanging out and talking with her is incredibly difficult.

They should at least be able to refer you to a local therapist that will take your insurance.

[TechnOkami]

Antidepressants and forcing myself to talk with and be around people (as in, like, over a voice chat program) seemed to help the most. For me at least these things worked the best.

[FinnLassie]

My mental health nurse is being really passive aggressive and skeptical about me getting papers that prove to the social services that I can't study at a normal pace. My psychiatrist is well supportive, though.

Just feels a bit funny, I guess.

[Talar]

Thanks for the replies guys, it is comforting to know that if nothing else the playground will listen. Finding a local therapist does seem like the best option at this point.

[Serpentine]

I've been thinking for a while, for various reasons, that I might have Asperger's.
I've also been thinking for a while, for various reasons, that I might have depression.
Now I'm starting to think, with more certainty than either of those, that I might have ADD, of all things. It's come a bit out of left field, but I happened to come across an article about ADD in adult women, and almost everything about it sounded very familiar. So I did some more reading, and almost all of that sounded just as familiar. What's more, a lot of the particularly problematic stuff that I was associating with Asperger's and depression are defining/significant features of ADD.
I really need to get on and make an appointment with a psych and get an actual diagnosis on something. If it is ADD, that would be rather curious, as well as useful to know.

Are there any women around with ADD?