Personal Woes and Advice 4

[DataNinja]

Worst case scenario? I can imagine plenty:

• I could end up disheartened and humiliated by people laughing at me for daring to talk to them.
• I could hit on someone I didn't know wasn't single, thus earning a beating from their partner.
• I could be lured aside and mugged/beaten.
• I could lose control from the disappointment and self-hatred and do something dangerous/stupid.

And those are just a couple examples. Even at rock-bottom, there's always much more to lose. By not caring what others think, I'm leaving myself vulnerable for an attack when I expose myself as a stupid, uninteresting loser. No-one there would be in the same boat. They're all cool and attractive, and people love them, and they can get laid at any moment, but people like that aren't satisfied with that. They have to take away every possible chance from losers like me. It's not enough that they succeed, they must also make sure others fail. That's the kind of person that dominates society, and a single's night is nothing more than a trap set by them to lure in desperate singles like me, so they can humiliate them for fun.

I don't believe things are quite as bleak as you think.

If I may make a suggestion, how about creating a thread asking people on this Forum who are from Australia what their recommendations are for good places to go, or do things. Who knows, some may even be close enough to you to actually meet in person, and that means you've already got at least one thing in common.

I truly hope that everything goes well for you, and that you're able to find your spirits lifted. I know I've had days on end where nothing seems to be going right, so I do feel you. Know that, whatever happens, you have people here to support you. That's what we're here for.

[Skeppio]

I don't believe things are quite as bleak as you think.

If I may make a suggestion, how about creating a thread asking people on this Forum who are from Australia what their recommendations are for good places to go, or do things. Who knows, some may even be close enough to you to actually meet in person, and that means you've already got at least one thing in common.

I truly hope that everything goes well for you, and that you're able to find your spirits lifted. I know I've had days on end where nothing seems to be going right, so I do feel you. Know that, whatever happens, you have people here to support you. That's what we're here for.

In my experience, people tend not to be open or nice, especially if a "lesser" person like me approaches them. :/

We had a thread for that. It died and rotted away ages ago. Several times. At this point, I'd rather just let it stay dead.

I dunno. If I go, I'll probably get too nervous and have an awful night. If I don't go, I'll be miserable at home alone.

[DataNinja]

In my experience, people tend not to be open or nice, especially if a "lesser" person like me approaches them. :/

We had a thread for that. It died and rotted away ages ago. Several times. At this point, I'd rather just let it stay dead.

I dunno. If I go, I'll probably get too nervous and have an awful night. If I don't go, I'll be miserable at home alone.

You need to stop thinking of yourself as 'lesser'. This is something that tends to annoy me. No one person is any more or less special or worthy than others. we are still all human. Usually, you can tell a lot about people by how they view themselves. People who proclaim themselves to be better than anyone else usually only do that to hide their own insecurities. Or are just jerks. Or, in my experience, are both.

One question I have is: How are they going to know if you're any different a human being than they are?

[Skeppio]

You need to stop thinking of yourself as 'lesser'. This is something that tends to annoy me. No one person is any more or less special or worthy than others. we are still all human. Usually, you can tell a lot about people by how they view themselves. People who proclaim themselves to be better than anyone else usually only do that to hide their own insecurities. Or are just jerks. Or, in my experience, are both.

One question I have is: How are they going to know if you're any different a human being than they are?

But I am lesser. Otherwise I'd be one of those strong, attractive, popular people. Sometimes people act like they're your superior because they know they are better than you. It happens all the time when I talk to people. I can see them sneering and looking down on me. People never give me more than the minimum amount of interaction they can until the interaction is over. And forget about anyone finding me attractive. I'm nothing but a repulsive joke. Hell, there's been a fair few times where people have said my brother's pretty attractive, but specifically only him, not me. And we're identical twins!

They'll know. They always know. I don't even know how, but they always know.

[DataNinja]

But I am lesser. Otherwise I'd be one of those strong, attractive, popular people. Sometimes people act like they're your superior because they know they are better than you. It happens all the time when I talk to people. I can see them sneering and looking down on me. People never give me more than the minimum amount of interaction they can until the interaction is over. And forget about anyone finding me attractive. I'm nothing but a repulsive joke. Hell, there's been a fair few times where people have said my brother's pretty attractive, but specifically only him, not me. And we're identical twins!

They'll know. They always know. I don't even know how, but they always know.

Well, as a card carrying member of the Neither Strong, Attractive, Nor Popular Club, I can totally relate. As well as the (literal) looking down. (I got the worst of all the genetic lottery in my family...) As well as the "identical" brother that people prefer over me. (We aren't twins, we just look like it - despite being several years apart).

But, in my opinion, you're suffering the most from the same thing I did (and still do to a lesser extent) - lack of self confidence. For most of my life I just stuck my nose in a book, and ignored the outside world. It took me a bit to be able to actually get out and around, but I made sure to start small - my local gaming store during one of their gaming nights. That did me a world of good. I went, I learned a new gaming system, met a few people, and - most of all, found out that if you just keep trying, eventually you'll find people you click with.

[Skeppio]

Well, as a card carrying member of the Neither Strong, Attractive, Nor Popular Club, I can totally relate. As well as the (literal) looking down. (I got the worst of all the genetic lottery in my family...) As well as the "identical" brother that people prefer over me. (We aren't twins, we just look like it - despite being several years apart).

But, in my opinion, you're suffering the most from the same thing I did (and still do to a lesser extent) - lack of self confidence. For most of my life I just stuck my nose in a book, and ignored the outside world. It took me a bit to be able to actually get out and around, but I made sure to start small - my local gaming store during one of their gaming nights. That did me a world of good. I went, I learned a new gaming system, met a few people, and - most of all, found out that if you just keep trying, eventually you'll find people you click with.

Yep, gotta love genetics: The game that's rigged from the start!

Yeah right. Confidence is a resource, not something you just get. You gotta earn it through riches, looks and fitness. Trying to alter this has led me to nothing but failure. People can see I haven't earned any confidence, and they hate me. It doesn't matter how I act, I haven't earned my share of confidence, so I'm not welcome.

[DataNinja]

Yep, gotta love genetics: The game that's rigged from the start!

Yeah right. Confidence is a resource, not something you just get. You gotta earn it through riches, looks and fitness. Trying to alter this has led me to nothing but failure. People can see I haven't earned any confidence, and they hate me. It doesn't matter how I act, I haven't earned my share of confidence, so I'm not welcome.

Eh, riches? No. Looks. Heck no! Fitness? Don't make me laugh. I don't have any of these. The biggest problem with confidence is that it's self-propagating. You only get more by actually going out and doing things. It comes slowly, but you'll eventually get better at it.

[Skeppio]

Eh, riches? No. Looks. Heck no! Fitness? Don't make me laugh. I don't have any of these. The biggest problem with confidence is that it's self-propagating. You only get more by actually going out and doing things. It comes slowly, but you'll eventually get better at it.

No you don't. That's called false confidence. It's meaningless, you'll be living a total lie, and trust me: THEY WILL KNOW.
You get confidence by being born lucky. Otherwise, you'll always be lower value than someone who was luckier than you, and there's no point in trying to compete with your betters. They're called superiors for a reason.

[DataNinja]

No you don't. That's called false confidence. It's meaningless, you'll be living a total lie, and trust me: THEY WILL KNOW.
You get confidence by being born lucky. Otherwise, you'll always be lower value than someone who was luckier than you, and there's no point in trying to compete with your betters. They're called superiors for a reason.

Well, cripes, then... I've been living a total lie.

Take your life into your own hands. It's no use thinking of people being 'lucky' or 'superior' or anything like that. You'll never get anywhere. Just try something new. You might be surprised at what happens. Take it from someone who knows. There is no spoon... :)

[Skeppio]

Well, cripes, then... I've been living a total lie.

Take your life into your own hands. It's no use thinking of people being 'lucky' or 'superior' or anything like that. You'll never get anywhere. Just try something new. You might be surprised at what happens. Take it from someone who knows. There is no spoon... :)

Yes, you have. It's only a matter of time before you expose yourself and those around you abandon you. It's inevitable.

My life is not my own. I can't just "take it into my own hands", it won't make anyone like me. They'll just hate me more for being so arrogant. I've tried every possible thing that could lead to meeting people and didn't make me want to kill myself. It all failed, and I've long since run out of things that make me not wish I was dead. And your condescending, patronising, uncaring smartass attitude doesn't help one bit. Not that you care, it's not like anyone's ever cared, so why would you suddenly be any different?

[DataNinja]

Yes, you have. It's only a matter of time before you expose yourself and those around you abandon you. It's inevitable.

My life is not my own. I can't just "take it into my own hands", it won't make anyone like me. They'll just hate me more for being so arrogant. I've tried every possible thing that could lead to meeting people and didn't make me want to kill myself. It all failed, and I've long since run out of things that make me not wish I was dead. And your condescending, patronising, uncaring smartass attitude doesn't help one bit. Not that you care, it's not like anyone's ever cared, so why would you suddenly be any different?

No, you're right. I will never be able to truly understand what you're going through. And I personally hate the internet as a method of trying to connect with people. All the subtlety of language is lost. And I am sorry that I came across as condescending, patronising, and uncaring. That's something I need to work on. I am terrible at connecting well with people on a personal level, and I thank you for giving me a good Reality Check. And I do care. I've seen people I care about hole themselves up and lose touch with society. I don't want anyone to have to go through that.

[dehro]

Seriously, Skeppio? Now you're just lashing out for kicks...
If any of us was uncaring and meant to be dismissive or condescending, instead of wanting to help, we wouldn't be interacting with you in the first place, since trying to give you an opinion or an honest advice is almost always a waste of time that usually results in you wrapping said advice in a taco of patently false statements, adding a fair bit of insults and derision about our own lives and experiences and then throwing it back in our faces.
Seriously uncool and no, you don't get to do that just because you're miserable, want to prove that you're the miserablest and want to demonstrate why the world hates you by lashing out gratuitously and provoking it into reacting badly towards you. It's rather transparent, as attempts at making self-fulfilling predictions go.
If you piss against the wind and get wet, and people point out to you that maybe if you turn with the wind you won't get wet, standing there shouting at them and insisting that it shouldn't happen and the world is being mean, doesn't accomplish anything other than you getting wet again.
Turning around or deciding you like getting wet is entirely your choice, but if you don't want to turn around, at least stop berating people who point out it stinks and is unsanitary.. And accept that claiming that turning around would never solve the problem and you'd end up covered in piss anyway you turn doesn't mean it's actually true.
Yes, the wind may occasionally change and you might get splattered again, but mostly the world has bigger things to do than to make sure you get a faceful of urine no matter what direction you face whilst you do your business.
Either way, you might want to try and be a little more considerate towards people who share their experiences and difficulties with you and try to tell you it gets better, or can get better, rather than dismissing their lives and the obstacles they face or have faced as irrelevant compared to your situation. They share those experiences with you to try and help you, not for you to diss and devalue them. This is not a competition and you don't get to look down on them from the hight of your tower of solitude... Or make blanket statements about them just to fit with your view of how your tower is the highest and destined to be your prison for ever and ever.
It's disrespectful, potentially hurtful and beneath you. You're better than that.

[Skeppio]

Seriously, Skeppio? Now you're just lashing out for kicks...
If any of us was uncaring and meant to be dismissive or condescending, instead of wanting to help, we wouldn't be interacting with you in the first place, since trying to give you an opinion or an honest advice is almost always a waste of time that usually results in you wrapping said advice in a taco of patently false statements, adding a fair bit of insults and derision about our own lives and experiences and then throwing it back in our faces.
Seriously uncool and no, you don't get to do that just because you're miserable, want to prove that you're the miserablest and want to demonstrate why the world hates you by lashing out gratuitously and provoking it into reacting badly towards you. It's rather transparent, as attempts at making self-fulfilling predictions go.
If you piss against the wind and get wet, and people point out to you that maybe if you turn with the wind you won't get wet, standing there shouting at them and insisting that it shouldn't happen and the world is being mean, doesn't accomplish anything other than you getting wet again.
Turning around or deciding you like getting wet is entirely your choice, but if you don't want to turn around, at least stop berating people who point out it stinks and is unsanitary.. And accept that claiming that turning around would never solve the problem and you'd end up covered in piss anyway you turn doesn't mean it's actually true.
Yes, the wind may occasionally change and you might get splattered again, but mostly the world has bigger things to do than to make sure you get a faceful of urine no matter what direction you face whilst you do your business.
Either way, you might want to try and be a little more considerate towards people who share their experiences and difficulties with you and try to tell you it gets better, or can get better, rather than dismissing their lives and the obstacles they face or have faced as irrelevant compared to your situation. They share those experiences with you to try and help you, not for you to diss and devalue them. This is not a competition and you don't get to look down on them from the hight of your tower of solitude... Or make blanket statements about them just to fit with your view of how your tower is the highest and destined to be your prison for ever and ever.
It's disrespectful, potentially hurtful and beneath you. You're better than that.

If I was lashing out for kicks, I have a hundred ways I could do that. What I'm doing now is explaining is how things work in my life. Perhaps you've been fortunate enough to not deal with people as I describe them, which perplexes me as to how your world can be so different to mine as to sound incomprehensible. Every time I open myself up, or try socialising with a positive attitude, it invariably blows up in my face and I'm met with nothing but hostility. This has been an unbroken trend through my 26 years of life. Think about how many different experiences I've had in that time, and yet I can confidently claim that I have a 100% failure rate. There's a reason I assume the worst of people, it's because sooner or later, they inevitably show it to me.

Apparently I'm not "better than that". But in these cases, "you're better than that" usually just means "Shut up, you're not worthy to talk. We're sick of you, **** off Skep. Just kill yourself, make us both happy.". I get enough of that from myself every time I wake up. Just existing is painful to me. The mere act of waking up and realising I'm not dead is unbearably agonising. So no, I'm not "better than that", I've long since given up on trying to be "better than that". No-one notices it, no-one cares, it never helps me in any way, and people will always judge me from my single moments of weakness, never my times of strength. So there's no point.

[lio45]

And forget about anyone finding me attractive. I'm nothing but a repulsive joke. Hell, there's been a fair few times where people have said my brother's pretty attractive, but specifically only him, not me. And we're identical twins!

Okay, this bit was really the clincher for me, I will go ahead with suggesting what I would TOTALLY do if I were you.

Considering you haven't yet started transitioning, and get "but you're a dude" OKCupid comments, and, in your own words, would feel like a disgusting freak of nature through the process...

And seeing how you'd really like to have an easier time going out, socializing, making friends...

Why don't you just stay a guy for the time being? What's the harm in that? You often said you'd want to die rather than live, well, I'll tell you what, there's nothing in life that you can't aspire to have as a guy. Yes, that's not who you'd rather be, but few of us are fully happy with the body we've been given; we deal with it, and try to make the best use of the hand we've been dealt.

I tried to get you to tell me what gender you were attracted to (since you seem really desperate to eventually find a partner). Considering what you shared as sample of the comments you draw as a female on dating sites, I would state with confidence that if you're attracted to guys, you'd have a much easier time attracting a fine gay partner as someone who looks like your handsome identical twin, and if you're attracted to girls (i.e. currently a lesbian pre-transition trans woman) then I'd be EVEN more confident that you'd have a much easier time attracting heterosexual women if you looked like your twin.

If you want to go to any kind of social event, even though I'm fully aware it's not what you want, you should give it a try, or at least consider the idea.

People can't do what they want in society... we all make concessions. I am more comfy in my pyjamas, unshaven, with messy hair, etc. but if I went to a social event where I'm not known, I'd really be shooting myself in the foot gratuitously if I went like that!!! And if I dressed like a girl for that event (I'm clearly a guy) I'd REALLY not be helping my case.

Some effort is required when in society... of ALL of us. Sure, people with more charisma can "afford" to deviate a bit more, but it's true that we ALL benefit from putting chances on our side. You don't go out dressed like you would when staying home alone on a lazy (and enjoyable) Saturday morning...

And in your situation, I would definitely recommend putting all chances on your side, therefore I think you should consider going to a social event "as your twin brother" instead.

I am convinced it would help you both with friends and with a potential relationship partner.

And before you say "that's not who I am, I want to be able to find friends as I am"... well, okay...

Let's take the example of a person who normally dresses really extremely sloppily, enjoys having greasy hair, likes working out a lot (into a sweat) all the time (including right before going out), etc.

Well, that person, if they insist on going out as the real themselves (the "most comfortable" version of themselves, when alone), is just going to be harming his/her chances at being successful socially (given equal physical looks and equal charisma).

If you asked me to choose between going to a social event where I don't know anyone as the Michael Jackson of the 1970s or as the Michael Jackson of the 1990s, I know which I'd pick. Even though he chose out of free will to become the latter from a starting point that was the former... Yeah, sure, he preferred that, but if he'd attached so much importance on social success (as you seem to), then anyone would have recommended the more "normal", less "freakish" looks as the way to go.

He was rich and a celebrity, he could afford to look like a freak... You, based on your posts, I'm not sure you can, at this time. The choice is yours, of course.

But I still wonder what would happen if your twin brother went to that social event...

[Skeppio]

Okay, this bit was really the clincher for me, I will go ahead with suggesting what I would TOTALLY do if I were you.

Considering you haven't yet started transitioning, and get "but you're a dude" OKCupid comments, and, in your own words, would feel like a disgusting freak of nature through the process...

And seeing how you'd really like to have an easier time going out, socializing, making friends...

Why don't you just stay a guy for the time being? What's the harm in that? You often said you'd want to die rather than live, well, I'll tell you what, there's nothing in life that you can't aspire to have as a guy. Yes, that's not who you'd rather be, but few of us are fully happy with the body we've been given; we deal with it, and try to make the best use of the hand we've been dealt.

I tried to get you to tell me what gender you were attracted to (since you seem really desperate to eventually find a partner). Considering what you shared as sample of the comments you draw as a female on dating sites, I would state with confidence that if you're attracted to guys, you'd have a much easier time attracting a fine gay partner as someone who looks like your handsome identical twin, and if you're attracted to girls (i.e. currently a lesbian pre-transition trans woman) then I'd be EVEN more confident that you'd have a much easier time attracting heterosexual women if you looked like your twin.

If you want to go to any kind of social event, even though I'm fully aware it's not what you want, you should give it a try, or at least consider the idea.

People can't do what they want in society... we all make concessions. I am more comfy in my pyjamas, unshaven, with messy hair, etc. but if I went to a social event where I'm not known, I'd really be shooting myself in the foot gratuitously if I went like that!!! And if I dressed like a girl for that event (I'm clearly a guy) I'd REALLY not be helping my case.

Some effort is required when in society... of ALL of us. Sure, people with more charisma can "afford" to deviate a bit more, but it's true that we ALL benefit from putting chances on our side. You don't go out dressed like you would when staying home alone on a lazy (and enjoyable) Saturday morning...

And in your situation, I would definitely recommend putting all chances on your side, therefore I think you should consider going to a social event "as your twin brother" instead.

I am convinced it would help you both with friends and with a potential relationship partner.

And before you say "that's not who I am, I want to be able to find friends as I am"... well, okay...

Let's take the example of a person who normally dresses really extremely sloppily, enjoys having greasy hair, likes working out a lot (into a sweat) all the time (including right before going out), etc.

Well, that person, if they insist on going out as the real themselves (the "most comfortable" version of themselves, when alone), is just going to be harming his/her chances at being successful socially (given equal physical looks and equal charisma).

If you asked me to choose between going to a social event where I don't know anyone as the Michael Jackson of the 1970s or as the Michael Jackson of the 1990s, I know which I'd pick. Even though he chose out of free will to become the latter from a starting point that was the former... Yeah, sure, he preferred that, but if he'd attached so much importance on social success (as you seem to), then anyone would have recommended the more "normal", less "freakish" looks as the way to go.

He was rich and a celebrity, he could afford to look like a freak... You, based on your posts, I'm not sure you can, at this time. The choice is yours, of course.

But I still wonder what would happen if your twin brother went to that social event...

For starters, I don't think you understand how transgenderism works. I can't just "stay a guy", it will ALWAYS feel wrong and uncomfortable for me to stay male.

And no, I would never pretend to be my brother. That's just asking for trouble. People don't appreciate being lied to, so if I tried that, there's no way anyone would want to talk to me again once the truth is exposed.

The rest of your advice reads as "don't be yourself". I must say is refreshing to see someone who understands how things actually work in the world. Problem is, I'm a terrible liar, and people just seem to be able to sense it. :/

He was already planning on going too. I have no doubt he'll have a fun time, and he might even get lucky and get to know a girl. I'll end up sitting alone and miserable.

[Crow]

Nobody is everything they want to be in life. Too bad, but that is how it is. You need to determine which things you can be, which are most important to you, come up with a plan to become them, and diligently pursue them. Also know that some of those things will require consistent effort over the course of years or even decades. That's the price.

I see a lot of excuses and justifications in this and other threads. These don't serve you at all. Time to let them go, because they aren't productive any longer.

[Skeppio]

Nobody is everything they want to be in life. Too bad, but that is how it is. You need to determine which things you can be, which are most important to you, come up with a plan to become them, and diligently pursue them. Also know that some of those things will require consistent effort over the course of years or even decades. That's the price.

I see a lot of excuses and justifications in this and other threads. These don't serve you at all. Time to let them go, because they aren't productive any longer.

Things that I can be, and things that are important to me, are all things that will ensure no-one will want to socialise with me. Ever. Unless you're saying I should abandon everything that makes me who I am, and become a fake construct made to appeal to others.

[Bulldog Psion]

Well, I suppose this is unsolicited advice -- but then again, that's what this thread is about, right?

If you've got confidence difficulties, worrying about what other people think about you and trying to build something that will impress them is precisely the wrong way to build yourself up.

The thing is, people are all different, so you'll always find someone who dislikes something about you no matter what you do.

So, the way to start building up your confidence is to not even worry about other peoples' opinion. Focus on your own opinion. Do with your appearance, manner, actions, etc. whatever pleases you. It doesn't mean that you give the other people the finger; it means that you work at someone who is attractive to yourself, regardless of what other people think or don't think, if that makes any sense.

Find a unique style for yourself. Develop your interests and skills -- the ones that interest you and that YOU can do well, not what you expect other people to respond positively to. Not only be yourself, but try to make that self more crisply defined. Accentuate your strengths and the things about yourself that please you.

Focusing on being the things you want to be and on the style and other choices YOU enjoy builds confidence because you're actually being honest with yourself and with other people. That confidence, in turn, is what will make you attractive, interesting, or whatever to other people.

So I'd suggest not trying to be who you think will impress and/or win over these other folks. Work at being who you want to be, and the rest will follow.

No offense is intended with any of this; I apologize in advance if I said anything accidentally offensive, in fact. Just trying to help; this is what came to mind.

Things that I can be, and things that are important to me, are all things that will ensure no-one will want to socialise with me. Ever. Unless you're saying I should abandon everything that makes me who I am, and become a fake construct made to appeal to others.

See, you've already identified the sticking point. What you need to do now, IMO, is drop the second part of the first sentence. Don't even think about the other people. Be the things you can be, and focus on the things that are important to you. Be yourself, and the rest will follow.

"Build it and they will come" applies in this case, too.

[Skeppio]

Well, I suppose this is unsolicited advice -- but then again, that's what this thread is about, right?

If you've got confidence difficulties, worrying about what other people think about you and trying to build something that will impress them is precisely the wrong way to build yourself up.

The thing is, people are all different, so you'll always find someone who dislikes something about you no matter what you do.

So, the way to start building up your confidence is to not even worry about other peoples' opinion. Focus on your own opinion. Do with your appearance, manner, actions, etc. whatever pleases you. It doesn't mean that you give the other people the finger; it means that you work at someone who is attractive to yourself, regardless of what other people think or don't think, if that makes any sense.

Find a unique style for yourself. Develop your interests and skills -- the ones that interest you and that YOU can do well, not what you expect other people to respond positively to. Not only be yourself, but try to make that self more crisply defined. Accentuate your strengths and the things about yourself that please you.

Focusing on being the things you want to be and on the style and other choices YOU enjoy builds confidence because you're actually being honest with yourself and with other people. That confidence, in turn, is what will make you attractive, interesting, or whatever to other people.

So I'd suggest not trying to be who you think will impress and/or win over these other folks. Work at being who you want to be, and the rest will follow.

No offense is intended with any of this; I apologize in advance if I said anything accidentally offensive, in fact. Just trying to help; this is what came to mind.



See, you've already identified the sticking point. What you need to do now, IMO, is drop the second part of the first sentence. Don't even think about the other people. Be the things you can be, and focus on the things that are important to you. Be yourself, and the rest will follow.

"Build it and they will come" applies in this case, too.

No it won't. If I focus on what I like, and what I want to be, I'll continue to be someone that no-one else would ever like. The only way I could become attractive is by altering everything about myself solely to appeal to what the majority want. Being myself and doing what I enjoy has brought me nothing but misery and loneliness my entire life.

[Cazero]

No it won't. If I focus on what I like, and what I want to be, I'll continue to be someone that no-one else would ever like.

Unless you're a pedophiliac neo-nazi with major asymetric physical malformations, that's simply false. There are people that would like you for who you are. Maybe you talked to some without realising it, and maybe they wouldn't like everything about you, but they would still like you. The problem is finding them.

Being myself and doing what I enjoy has brought me nothing but misery and loneliness my entire life.

You know what? You're being yourself right now, and you're socializing. It's not the same as real life talking, but it's still socializing. You might feel like we don't count because we're anonymous silent figures who barely know you and yet give inaccurate advices about your life, but the truth is that you made an active effort to enter a social circle and are not alone anymore.
But maybe internet vaguely sympathetic strangers are not enough for you, and you need a trick to do the same in real life. And the trick is that there is not trick. Internet works exactly like real life. There are internet communities who trash-talk newbs until they leave in tears, and there are real life communities who actively reject newcomers. The main difference is that you can't lurk real life archives to check beforehand if they're forgettable jerks, and that real-life communication create situations where newcomers are seen as intruders and told to shut up and wait for a better time.

Maybe I should give you some actual advice now. Pick one of your interest, and find out if there is a local community about it with an online forum. If you're feeling paranoid, lurk it a bit. Then subscribe and introduce yourself online. There is no need to tell too much, people will not appreciate feeling like you're trying to guilt-trip them into accepting you, but don't lie either. Maybe chat a bit, just be yourself. Now they know enough of you to see through stereotypes and they won't feel like a random stranger is inflicting them his unwanted presence. If they are not being jerks online, you can show up at an IRL meeting and see how it works out.
You already tried? Try again elsewhere. Find someplace where people are actually friendly, and work from that. It can be easier to find common interests among friends than to find friend among people with common interests.

[Skeppio]

Unless you're a pedophiliac neo-nazi with major asymetric physical malformations, that's simply false. There are people that would like you for who you are. Maybe you talked to some without realising it, and maybe they wouldn't like everything about you, but they would still like you. The problem is finding them.

You underestimate how judgmental and picky people here are. Vastly underestimate. Who I am is something people here hate by default. Because I'm not strong, I'm not attractive and I'm not tall.

You know what? You're being yourself right now, and you're socializing. It's not the same as real life talking, but it's still socializing. You might feel like we don't count because we're anonymous silent figures who barely know you and yet give inaccurate advices about your life, but the truth is that you made an active effort to enter a social circle and are not alone anymore.
But maybe internet vaguely sympathetic strangers are not enough for you, and you need a trick to do the same in real life. And the trick is that there is not trick. Internet works exactly like real life. There are internet communities who trash-talk newbs until they leave in tears, and there are real life communities who actively reject newcomers. The main difference is that you can't lurk real life archives to check beforehand if they're forgettable jerks, and that real-life communication create situations where newcomers are seen as intruders and told to shut up and wait for a better time.

I'm being myself, and everyone's hating it. And this is not socialising. At best, it's long-distance bickering. I am always a lone outcast here, never liked, never welcome.
Every community I've found is completely hostile to any newcomers.

Maybe I should give you some actual advice now. Pick one of your interest, and find out if there is a local community about it with an online forum. If you're feeling paranoid, lurk it a bit. Then subscribe and introduce yourself online. There is no need to tell too much, people will not appreciate feeling like you're trying to guilt-trip them into accepting you, but don't lie either. Maybe chat a bit, just be yourself. Now they know enough of you to see through stereotypes and they won't feel like a random stranger is inflicting them his unwanted presence. If they are not being jerks online, you can show up at an IRL meeting and see how it works out.
You already tried? Try again elsewhere. Find someplace where people are actually friendly, and work from that. It can be easier to find common interests among friends than to find friend among people with common interests.

I've been trying that exact stuff for years now, and my failure rate has always been 100%, regardless of my attitude or any similar factors. The simple fact is, I'm an unwanted loser that no community, group, or single person looking for love would ever want to interact with. There's no place for me in this world, except an unmarked grave.

[Crow]

Well I know for a fact that you can be strong. It just takes some work. Sometimes being strong is enough to make someone more attractive as well (*especially* due to the confidence that comes with it). You're out of luck on the tall part though.

Also when I say strong, I mean actually strong. Not bodybuilder nonsense.

[Skeppio]

Well I know for a fact that you can be strong. It just takes some work. Sometimes being strong is enough to make someone more attractive as well (*especially* due to the confidence that comes with it). You're out of luck on the tall part though.

Also when I say strong, I mean actually strong. Not bodybuilder nonsense.

That doesn't work. Physical strength is the kind people like, not some Disney-esque inner strength nonsense. Likewise, it won't make me attractive, as I'm not physically attractive, the type people care about. Being short is just the icing on the cake. Because of that, people see me as literally and figuratively less of a person.

If people cant see a trait of mine, to them it doesn't exist. Judging the book by its cover is how it all works here. And I cannot have an acceptable cover due to the previously mentioned genetic imperfections.

[lio45]

For starters, I don't think you understand how transgenderism works. I can't just "stay a guy", it will ALWAYS feel wrong and uncomfortable for me to stay male.

Of course I know that. But seeing that you're feeling truly absolutely horrible these days, I was thinking that merely feeling "wrong and uncomfortable" would be a major improvement. Think about it.

The point is that you could find solace in the idea that the more time passes, the more likely you are that medical and technological advances will make transitioning easier when you'll want to do it.

AND in the meantime, you could gather confidence in yourself while looking like your twin brother (he is really the PERFECT example that someone can make it work with your exact genetic lot in life, as long as he accepts to play by generally-accepted social rules enough to tolerate being officially 100% a guy in public, which he does).

Frankly, it's guaranteed that anything social you want to attempt these days will work better as a guy, since that's what you are and it's what you look like. You're even actually an attractive guy, judging by the comments your twin brother gets.

Someone with friends and charisma and good social skills (honed through experience) can more easily withstand a period of being a "disgusting freak of nature" (again, in your words) later in life.

And no, I would never pretend to be my brother. That's just asking for trouble. People don't appreciate being lied to, so if I tried that, there's no way anyone would want to talk to me again once the truth is exposed.

No, you misunderstood me. It was a figure of style to drive home the point that if you were to go to an event where no one previously knew you or your brother (and they don't know you have a twin brother) then if you're going as a guy, it's basically the same as if your brother went, in terms of flesh and bones shell, and genetics.

The rest of your advice reads as "don't be yourself". I must say is refreshing to see someone who understands how things actually work in the world. Problem is, I'm a terrible liar, and people just seem to be able to sense it. :/

Generally, the higher one is on the social totem pole, the more easily one can afford to "be themselves" in ways that are generally frowned upon.

But yeah, it's true that everyone makes some concessions. For example, it's morning here, I haven't yet gone out (it's raining anyway), I'm wearing REALLY HORRIBLY UGLY pyjamas (my gf has never seen me with those, I keep them for my own place) 'cause they're old and really comfy, and you should see my hair, total bedhead.

I guess I could go out and do some grocery-shopping like that right now, as the true "Saturday morning me", but it'd be risky. I would clearly lose at least a few "social status points" if I ran into anyone I know. To be honest, I could afford that... but why would I? It's really more simple to just shower and dress up normally before heading out.

You'll rarely meet people who show 100% of their true self (including the parts they're personally ashamed of, which I guess you could even call vices, literally) all the time to everyone.

He was already planning on going too. I have no doubt he'll have a fun time, and he might even get lucky and get to know a girl. I'll end up sitting alone and miserable.

Well, that's good news for you then.

Let him go, keeping in mind the fact he is your clone, genetically.

Then ask him how it went, the following day.

What he did is TOTALLY within your reach. You two got the same lot from the genetic lottery. You're not a iota more of a loser than he is, you're just shooting yourself in the foot socially at the moment by wearing girl clothes, and (presumably) makeup, etc.

[lio45]

Likewise, it won't make me attractive, as I'm not physically attractive, the type people care about.

Your twin brother is, therefore you are too. (As a guy, unfortunately for you, but still, if you want to be an attractive human being for now, then that's the way to make the best use of the hand you've been given.)

Being short is just the icing on the cake. Because of that, people see me as literally and figuratively less of a person.

Your twin brother is just as short and it's not a problem.

[lio45]

One last comment...

The rest of your advice reads as "don't be yourself". I must say is refreshing to see someone who understands how things actually work in the world.

Sure, you can continue to "be yourself" exactly like you've been doing for the past what, few years? and you'll continue to get the same kind of results. No problem there, the choice is yours. Don't complain about it though, 'cause it's your choice.

I think that by now you have a pretty large sample of what happens when you're insisting on making zero concessions to who you are in social settings. No problem if you want to continue like that.

Otherwise, if you want to try to get different results, I think you will have to try to change your mind a little on this "I want to always be fully myself around other people" principle of yours.

[Skeppio]

I'M NOT A GUY!!!!
I was born in the wrong body, but I'm not meant to be a guy! Every moment in this body is agony and makes me beg for death! Any social gain from "staying male" is built on lies and presenting myself in a way that makes my life intolerable. Every time I'm called male, it's like being stabbed with a knife. It's a bitter reminder that I will never look or feel correct in my body, and I'll always be a malformed abomination.
My brother doesn't have this problem, since he's not transgender. Him being called attractive (and that's a lie, we're not attractive) is fine for him, since his body matches his mind. Mine doesn't. Being called a cute guy, if anyone ever did call me that, is not the same compliment it'd be to my brother. And yes, I am far more of a loser than he is. He's more social, he doesn't have a crippling brain defect like I do (clinical depression), he doesn't have a body that feels horribly wrong. Our situations are far more different than you think, which shows a clear lack of understanding. And no, I don't even bother to wear girls clothes anymore. It used to make me feel a bit happier, but now it's just another reminder that I'm a hideous abomination.
And by "don't be myself", I mean your advice is basically telling me to destroy everything that makes me who I am and re-invent myself completely, not to help myself become happy, but solely to appease others. And while that advice is completely accurate, I doubt that's your intended message.

[lio45]

I'M NOT A GUY!!!!
I was born in the wrong body, but I'm not meant to be a guy! Every moment in this body is agony and makes me beg for death! Any social gain from "staying male" is built on lies and presenting myself in a way that makes my life intolerable. Every time I'm called male, it's like being stabbed with a knife. It's a bitter reminder that I will never look or feel correct in my body, and I'll always be a malformed abomination.
My brother doesn't have this problem, since he's not transgender. Him being called attractive (and that's a lie, we're not attractive) is fine for him, since his body matches his mind. Mine doesn't. Being called a cute guy, if anyone ever did call me that, is not the same compliment it'd be to my brother. And yes, I am far more of a loser than he is. He's more social, he doesn't have a crippling brain defect like I do (clinical depression), he doesn't have a body that feels horribly wrong. Our situations are far more different than you think, which shows a clear lack of understanding. And no, I don't even bother to wear girls clothes anymore. It used to make me feel a bit happier, but now it's just another reminder that I'm a hideous abomination.
And by "don't be myself", I mean your advice is basically telling me to destroy everything that makes me who I am and re-invent myself completely, not to help myself become happy, but solely to appease others. And while that advice is completely accurate, I doubt that's your intended message.

I'm still thinking you could try to tune out gender completely from your mind if you went out to a social event (say, a D&D gaming night) where it's not the point at all.

Basically going as an asexual person (in gender-neutral clothes) just to enjoy the evening, eat pizza, drink soft drinks, roll dice...

I'd say many of the enjoyable things in life aren't really gendered.

I'm a guy, but if you forced me to put on a non-removable magical belt of gender-changing, I'd still have the same lifestyle. I'd be a lesbian who likes curvy girls instead of a hetero guy who likes curvy girls, but I'd still have the same hobbies, expressions, emotions, favorite foods, etc. as previously.

It would of course feel extremely weird, but I don't think there's fundamentally anything in life I couldn't aspire to have any more.

Anyway, in my suggestion it's always been clear that you're always free to transition later if you want. The point is just that if you want to go out and meet new friends, then maybe you should consider putting chances on your side.

What exactly is the "everything that makes you who you are" that would get destroyed if you went to a social event (where the theme isn't dating, but rather any hobby you may have) as a neutrally-dressed asexual guy?

I would say most of what you are would still be intact... just wrapped in a more socially palatable envelope for the time being.

[Skeppio]

I'm still thinking you could try to tune out gender completely from your mind if you went out to a social event (say, a D&D gaming night) where it's not the point at all.

Basically going as an asexual person (in gender-neutral clothes) just to enjoy the evening, eat pizza, drink soft drinks, roll dice...

I'd say many of the enjoyable things in life aren't really gendered.

I'm a guy, but if you forced me to put on a non-removable magical belt of gender-changing, I'd still have the same lifestyle. I'd be a lesbian who likes curvy girls instead of a hetero guy who likes curvy girls, but I'd still have the same hobbies, expressions, emotions, favorite foods, etc. as previously.

It would of course feel extremely weird, but I don't think there's fundamentally anything in life I couldn't aspire to have any more.

Anyway, in my suggestion it's always been clear that you're always free to transition later if you want. The point is just that if you want to go out and meet new friends, then maybe you should consider putting chances on your side.

What exactly is the "everything that makes you who you are" that would get destroyed if you went to a social event (where the theme isn't dating, but rather any hobby you may have) as a neutrally-dressed asexual guy?

I would say most of what you are would still be intact... just wrapped in a more socially palatable envelope for the time being.

I can't. Socialising and hooking up is the entire point of this event.

You're still not understanding. Just having my body the way it currently is brings me intolerable misery. It's not a matter of pushing it out of my mind, it's like telling someone with one leg to pretend they have two and they'll walk just fine without any aid or prosthetics. It simply doesn't work that way.

Everything that makes me who i am is a thing that society here by default hates. I'm short, ugly, nerdy, not into sports, etc. I'm everything that's considered "un-Australian". I'd have to lose who I am, just to appease someone else, in order to be "socially palatable".

[lio45]

I can't. Socialising and hooking up is the entire point of this event.

Yeah, I agree that for this event it's impossible to tune out gender.

You're still not understanding. Just having my body the way it currently is brings me intolerable misery.

Yes, you've made that abundantly clear already, but I'm still thinking maybe you could try to work on accepting it, at least a bit more. I am pretty sure you'll have better opportunities to make it more like what you want later in life, if only because technology never stops improving. Just ask trans people who transitioned 10-15+ years ago.

Everything that makes me who i am is a thing that society here by default hates. I'm short, ugly, nerdy, not into sports, etc. I'm everything that's considered "un-Australian". I'd have to lose who I am, just to appease someone else, in order to be "socially palatable".

There are 3.5 billion humans who are shorter than average... it's really not the end of the world to be short.

You're not any uglier than your twin, who is certainly officially decently attractive (according to other people).

And there are tons of nerdy-not-into-sports people out there. No one ever said you had to become sporty or in great physical shape to fit in.

So far there's nothing in there that you need to change. Millions of short nerdy people who aren't into sports and who look like your twin manage to have very pleasant lives.

As someone suggested a while ago, I'm sure that on this board (and/or others like it) you'd easily find fellow nerdy Australians.

And by the way, based on your posts, your English is excellent, which means you're certainly well-learned, intelligent and educated... certainly more than the average Australian, I'd guess. So that's already a major plus, for being successful at life in general.