Does anyone else cry over stupid stuff but not over serious stuff?

[INoKnowNames]

As I hurriedly check all my unupdated threads, I feel the need to get this burning question off of my chest. I've been to 4 funerals in the past few years: first my adoptive grandmother's, then the father of my minister, then my half brother's paternal grandmother, and as of Tuesday my maternal great grandmother. And so far, the only time I've actually shed a tear at a funeral has been when I didn't realize the car ride to the burial sight for the minister would be several hours long and I very much nearly had bladder failure.

Meanwhile, I've had cartoons, tv shows, songs, and video games in the past that are capable of pulling at my heart-strings and triggering the coveted feels. Certain moments in Harry Potter, some scenes from Steven Universe, and a few of my favorite soundtracks manage to prove that my tear-ducts haven't shriveled away from disuse.

So why can't I cry in the moments that would actually deserve waterworks? Why can't I actually get sad when there's not otherwise a dry eye around me? I usually just feel kinda hollow inside at worse, and otherwise remain more or less myself, and have to deal with seeing everyone else sad and hoping no one notices that I apparently don't even care.

Is this sort of thing abnormal? Is it okay to not cry when something series happens, but cry over stupid things? I mean, my great grandmother just passed away, and I shed more tears when a squirrel ran in front of my car on the way home from the airport than at her funeral. (As an aside, I find that morbidly hilarious for reasons I don't entirely comprehend.) I'd talk to my psychologist about this, but I won't be seeing him for another week I think, so I thought I'd just make a public post and see how relevant the opinions of random internet strangers is.

[Starwulf]

I'd say you're just repressing your emotions and transferring them over to silly, inconsequential things so you don't have a major breakdown during the truly sad stuff.

I was actually worried for a while that I was going to be the same way, as I haven't ever been emotional over peoples deaths before, but then a good friend of mine died Thursday night, extremely unexpectedly(he had no health issues, wasn't overweight, good shape). My wife woke me up Friday and broke it to me, I laid there for a few minutes processing it, got up and got dressed, and made it halfway down the hall when I just broke down.

Unfortunately I can't tell you how to let it out at the meaningful times, as it's likely a built-in defense mechanism and not just something that can be stopped immediately. I'd definitely advise going to see your psychologist and talking it out, I'm sure he or she would have some good advice that could let you express your sadness at the appropriate times.

[Greenish]

The answer to most any question that begins with "does anyone else" or "is there anyone else" is usually going to be "yes", which is, in a way, a very comforting thought.

[erradin]

The short answer is yes, there are others who feel as you do. Sometimes it's a mental defense, sometimes it's a kind of repression. Sometimes if's just the way your brain files things.

I think we need to draw a line between crying and being sad. Usually they go hand-in-hand but you don't need to collapse into tears in order to feel. If you said you felt nothing, that it just didn't bother you at all, that would be a problem. You feel sad, and you wish you could cry more easily about it, but you feel hollow, you say. And I say that that IS sadness of a kind. If you are seeing someone, talk to them about it-as you say you will, but I honestly think you're feeling saad and then being concerned that you don't express it the way you think you should.

Talk to your psychologist if it really bothers you, but if it's worth anything, I think you have less to worry about than you think. As long as you are honest with yourself about how much things hurt and why, and don't hide from your emotions, then you're probably ok.

[Maryring]

I don't find what you're describing abnormal at all. The thing to keep in mind about the two situations you describe isn't just that the subject matter of the two instances things are different, but so are the situations you are in. For some people, it's easier to cry in a group. For others, like me, it's easier not to cry in a group. When my grandfather died and it was just me and my grandmother there, I cried. But the moment the rest of the family came, I stopped crying and I didn't cry at all since, to the point that my mother worried that I was purposefully bottling it up.

And maybe to some degree I was. I recognized that I couldn't really allow myself to cry, because everyone else also felt a need to cry, and they would need a shoulder to cry on.

That... became a bit of a ramble, but I hope you get what I'm trying to say. There's nothing wrong in not crying. Not crying at any specific point does not mean you don't have a soul or are heartless, no matter how many Youtube comments push such silly notions down your throat. Crying isn't about being sad. It's about letting those around you know that you would really like some comfort at the moment.

And there's nothing wrong in crying, or in not crying. Some people process sadness by relying on the strength and security others provide. And some people process sadness by being that strength and security that others need in a moment of vulnerability.

[Grinner]

...Why would you cry over those people?

In my experience, people tend to mourn the loss of people close to them. At the last funeral I went to, exactly one person cried: the guy giving the eulogy, her son. I can't speak for your relationship with any of them, but none of those people strike me as being particularly close to you.

Don't get me wrong here. Certainly no one in the funeral I just mentioned felt great about her passing on. However, my point is that you ought not to feel mandated to cry, particularly over someone I'd bet money you didn't really know all that well.

[TheThan]

I don’t cry. But I do occasionally shed one lone manly tear.

[veti]

I've been to 4 funerals in the past few years: first my adoptive grandmother's, then the father of my minister, then my half brother's paternal grandmother, and as of Tuesday my maternal great grandmother.

How well did you actually know any of these people? Has their loss left a big hole in your world? I'm guessing, probably not.

Emotions are not a "should" thing. There's no point beating yourself up over your own feelings. Actions are a "should" thing, and if you were making bawdy jokes at these funerals and starting impromptu games of hacky sack in the car park, then that's probably something you need to fix. But if you weren't in floods of tears... then no, I wouldn't say that's evidence of anything particularly noteworthy about you.

[Ifni]

I loved my grandfather and was pretty close to him, but didn't cry throughout most of his funeral. The tears finally came when we got to look at him for the last time (prior to cremation), but prior to that I had not felt any desire to cry - I'd been grieving, just not crying.

On the other hand "Do You Want To Build A Snowman" reliably reduces me to a puddle, as does any movie / TV show / book where a cute dog dies.

When I was younger I would cry as an automatic physiological response to anger, which was incredibly frustrating to me (as I usually couldn't keep talking coherently while trying to choke back sobs, and whoever I was angry at usually took it as an excuse to dismiss me). At some point this just stopped, much to my relief, and now pretty much the only time I do cry is in tear-jerker movies, or for joy - I don't cry in response to physical pain anymore, either.

I think what causes you to tear up is pretty variable from person to person, and doesn't reflect depth of grief (or other emotion), so you probably shouldn't worry too much if you don't fit the One True Cultural Template for when tears are appropriate.

[INoKnowNames]

The answer to most any question that begins with "does anyone else" or "is there anyone else" is usually going to be "yes", which is, in a way, a very comforting thought.

I'd make a stupid joke about a situation in which hopefully the collective would say no to a question phrased with "does anyone else", but you used most and usually, so that leaves room for outliers, so I guess I can't make my stupid joke.

On the other hand "Do You Want To Build A Snowman" reliably reduces me to a puddle, as does any movie / TV show / book where a cute dog dies.

Oh god, I remember in highschool when my lit class was doing of Mice and Men and were surprised I'd never experieced the ending, despite being able to immitate Lenny. They apparently had a bettling pool on wherher or not that would make me cry when I saw it.

This was 7 years ago, mind.

[snip]

And there's nothing wrong in crying, or in not crying. Some people process sadness by relying on the strength and security others provide. And some people process sadness by being that strength and security that others need in a moment of vulnerability.

[snip]

I think what causes you to tear up is pretty variable from person to person, and doesn't reflect depth of grief (or other emotion), so you probably shouldn't worry too much if you don't fit the One True Cultural Template for when tears are appropriate.

Hm...

I don’t cry. But I do occasionally shed one lone manly tear.

Pffbt.

I'd say you're just repressing your emotions and transferring them over to silly, inconsequential things so you don't have a major breakdown during the truly sad stuff.

[snip]

I'd believe that if it weren't for the fact that it feels like the rest of my emotions are still there. As much as I wish I could have made a cannibalism joke to Greenish's response, I'm capable of being dead serious whenever I need to be, and though I've taken many many steps and massive strides toward controling it, I know I definitely still get angry exactly when I'm supposed to be. It just seems like sadness doesn't come out when I'm expected to be. At least not unless I'm already mentally unbalanced, but I consider those kinds of situations (ranging from when people complement me on school work that I don't feel I did good enough on to actual fights between myself and people I care about) to be rather extreme outliers for stress triggers.

[snip]

I think we need to draw a line between crying and being sad. Usually they go hand-in-hand but you don't need to collapse into tears in order to feel. If you said you felt nothing, that it just didn't bother you at all, that would be a problem. You feel sad, and you wish you could cry more easily about it, but you feel hollow, you say. And I say that that IS sadness of a kind. If you are seeing someone, talk to them about it-as you say you will, but I honestly think you're feeling saad and then being concerned that you don't express it the way you think you should.

Quite honestly, the hollowness isn't caused the situation itself; it's more about my place in the situation. As a matter of fact, it's that I'm sitting (really standing) straightfaced, occasionally having my mind drift off to situations entirely unrelated to the matter at hand that bothers me. I know I don't always cry when I'm sad yeah, and that one doesn't have to tie the two together, but it's quite frequently that way with me, which makes it odd that in times which should be the darkest, I'm trying hard not to think "crap, I hope no one dropped out of my game in the forum just because I forgot to bring my laptop with me for a few weeks". I would indeed file it into the "I'm not being bothered by deaths happening to people around me, or even to people close to me" folder. I've come a ways toward finally accepting and being at peace with my own mortality, but should that understanding really make me more or less numb to the deaths of others around me?

As long as you are honest with yourself about how much things hurt and why, and don't hide from your emotions, then you're probably ok.

My emotions are about as blunt as the Mark XLIV. No danger of them being dishonest or hidden. A cookie to everyone who gets that reference.

...Why would you cry over those people?

I can't speak for your relationship with any of them, but none of those people strike me as being particularly close to you.

Don't get me wrong here. Certainly no one in the funeral I just mentioned felt great about her passing on. However, my point is that you ought not to feel mandated to cry, particularly over someone I'd bet money you didn't really know all that well.

Well, I'll give you that despite her groping my butt when I first met her (she was wondering if it was squeezed in my jeans, since my birth mom basically has her own gravitational field for the mass that follows her), I wasn't exactly close with my brother's grandmother, even if she was a good family friend. I did love Great Grandma though, my adoptive Grandmother I knew my entire life and visited / communicated with regularly, and when I was having trouble due to my depression it was that minister who helped me start turning my life in the right direction; I owe him and his daughter a good chunk of my wellbeing even now.

Was I on favorite color terms? No, but then again I couldn't tell you the favorite color of basically anyone I know except maybe my absolute BFFFF, so I'm not sure about how "close" one should or shouldn't be to be affected by their deaths. I just still find myself a bit weirded out that the slaughter of a woodland creature triggers more of a reaction than the passing of a woman I knew for 3 years and was distantly responsible for my own existance, to say nothing of a man who helped guide me in the right direction to get my **** back in one sock, or the other woman who I'd known for about 20 years.

How well did you actually know any of these people? Has their loss left a big hole in your world? I'm guessing, probably not.

[snip]

The last time I felt a loss actually leave a big hole in my world was probably the first time I ever had someone die, just because it was the first actual loss I'd ever had. The next couple after that I suppose did make me a bit sad, even if I wasn't close to the person at hand. It's just been the past couple over the last few years that hit me with about the same force as learning that it's going to be cloudy today. And I think that's what troubles me.

A friend yelling at me for a second: "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME; I'M SORRY!"
Relative whom I had a friendly relationship dies: "I'll probably wear my hoodie today."

Incidentally, yay forum for being awesome for food-for-thought!

[Vinyadan]

There are a couple of things to say.

The first one is that how someone dies is very important. If you are prepared, or if the person didn't build a relevant part of your life, then it's not strange if you don't cry. You probably have been more or less consciously preparing your whole life for your great grandmother and grandmother to die.

Anyway, everyone handles pain in his own way. Some find crying a necessity. Others don't really resort to it. There are societies in which it is normal to pay women to cry during the funeral service, so that people feel better.

The thing with deaths is that you will miss those people more when time goes by. At the same time, you will be building yourself around the fact that they aren't there. In the end, you will miss them much more, but you will have made yourself capable of living without them.

Crying for songs or films can happen. They are meant to move emotions the same moment we see them, and to trigger strong reactions. However, I don't think they have much of a lasting impact. The reaction is strong, but it is momentarily.

The next day the movie will be gone, and it won't change you, like real sorrow does. Or enduring joy, I guess. After all, it's there, too.

The psychologist will give you the best answers.

[Spanish_Paladin]

I cry for anything, serious or not, i get very emotional with Miyazaki movies (Totoro, Ponyo, whispers of the heart)... and, oh my god i can´t stop crying with the scene of Artax in Neverending Story. You must not worry, each person has its own emotional mechanics, you channel your emotions in those situations, it is fine if you are fine with that. The problem would be if you don´t cry at all.

[Greenish]

I'd make a stupid joke about a situation in which hopefully the collective would say no to a question phrased with "does anyone else", but you used most and usually, so that leaves room for outliers, so I guess I can't make my stupid joke.

The benefits of equivocation may have yet again made themselves manifest!

[Peelee]

I don’t cry. But I do occasionally shed one lone manly tear.

Similarly, I only cry at the end of The Iron Giant and Life Is Beautiful.

[Scarlet Knight]

When I was younger I would cry as an automatic physiological response to anger, which was incredibly frustrating to me ...

I did this and boy did it get me beat up. I sadly never learned to control it and will still cry in inappropriate times.

Emotions are so hard to control and so easy to manipulate . Advertisers count on it: how many of us cried during the Super Bowl commercial with the Bud Clydesdales and the puppy and the "Let her go" music?

[Zrak]

I don’t cry. But I do occasionally shed one lone manly tear.

Same, but specifically only when people litter.

[Jay R]

The question is, why are the emotions not doing what I rationally expect?

The short answer is that emotions are not rational. They are emotional.

Accept that your physical and emotional reactions are what they are, not what you think they "should" be.

[Tvtyrant]

My sister got married last weekend. She cried through her vows to thenpoint where she stopped twice, while my brother in law was clear eyed and regal. My brother cried through his toast, I did not. That doesn't mean I am less emotionally involved in their marriage (we are a very close family) but that people feel and express things differently.

[tomandtish]

Quite honestly, the hollowness isn't caused the situation itself; it's more about my place in the situation. As a matter of fact, it's that I'm sitting (really standing) straightfaced, occasionally having my mind drift off to situations entirely unrelated to the matter at hand that bothers me. I know I don't always cry when I'm sad yeah, and that one doesn't have to tie the two together, but it's quite frequently that way with me, which makes it odd that in times which should be the darkest, I'm trying hard not to think "crap, I hope no one dropped out of my game in the forum just because I forgot to bring my laptop with me for a few weeks". I would indeed file it into the "I'm not being bothered by deaths happening to people around me, or even to people close to me" folder. I've come a ways toward finally accepting and being at peace with my own mortality, but should that understanding really make me more or less numb to the deaths of others around me?

I suspect this is more common than you realize. it's the type of thing that people aren't going to want to easily admit that they do. I find myself doing it quite often (and yes, even at funerals for loved ones like the 3 grandparents I lost from 2008 - 2012).

Well, I'll give you that despite her groping my butt when I first met her (she was wondering if it was squeezed in my jeans, since my birth mom basically has her own gravitational field for the mass that follows her), I wasn't exactly close with my brother's grandmother, even if she was a good family friend. I did love Great Grandma though, my adoptive Grandmother I knew my entire life and visited / communicated with regularly, and when I was having trouble due to my depression it was that minister who helped me start turning my life in the right direction; I owe him and his daughter a good chunk of my wellbeing even now.

I'll note that in the case of your minister, just being there to support him is doing a good thing. There's nothing wrong with the fact that your mind wandered at the funeral of a person you didn't know. I've gone to the funerals of friend's parents to support the friends. Doesn't mean I felt anything personally about the person who actually died.

If you don't mind us asking, how old were they? And were the deaths expected or unexpected? Because that can make a difference as well. As I commented here, I wasn't terribly sad at the funerals of my grandparents. Part of that was because we had all known for a while that their time was coming.

Was I on favorite color terms? No, but then again I couldn't tell you the favorite color of basically anyone I know except maybe my absolute BFFFF, so I'm not sure about how "close" one should or shouldn't be to be affected by their deaths. I just still find myself a bit weirded out that the slaughter of a woodland creature triggers more of a reaction than the passing of a woman I knew for 3 years and was distantly responsible for my own existance, to say nothing of a man who helped guide me in the right direction to get my **** back in one sock, or the other woman who I'd known for about 20 years.

Remember that movies are hitting you on multiple levels: visual and auditory as well as emotional. You're seeing and hearing the death happen, as well as music and lighting designed to enhance the impact.

The last time I felt a loss actually leave a big hole in my world was probably the first time I ever had someone die, just because it was the first actual loss I'd ever had. The next couple after that I suppose did make me a bit sad, even if I wasn't close to the person at hand. It's just been the past couple over the last few years that hit me with about the same force as learning that it's going to be cloudy today. And I think that's what troubles me.

A friend yelling at me for a second: "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME; I'M SORRY!"
Relative whom I had a friendly relationship dies: "I'll probably wear my hoodie today."

Incidentally, yay forum for being awesome for food-for-thought!

As others have said, there's no "right time to feel". You comment that you're the only dry eye at a funeral.

If you're concern is that you aren't feeling sad at funerals, I wouldn't worry about it. As noted, I've gotten distracted/bored at funerals, and have even had to take steps to avoid laughing (hypocrisy can come out in force at a funeral).

Now if it's someone you truly cared about and you aren't EVER feeling anything at all, (so not just at the funeral, but anytime), then that might be worth exploring.

[PallElendro]

I feel it. I can brave through my parents' divorce, other people's' marriages, funerals, and I've even gotten news about a tumour in my head. I've taken them all with a solemn look and a nod of the head. Then there's the part where I cry over stupid stuff.

I run a roleplaying server where the affected character of mine in question is a lioness anthro who works as a combat medic, and has this pseudo-family with a human cyborg and an augmented liger -- lion-tiger hybrid -- who suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder following a lifetime of physical and mental experimentation. The liger and my medic often bond together because the medic is the only one who isn't primarily a fighter, and is more prone to helping people. The way the liger opens up to her with his physical therapy and the positive reinforcement is how I choke up at times.

[Kymme]

I've never cried over any pop-culture stuff (E.T. excluded) ever. Not even really feels-y stuff like Steven Universe or Avatar have made me weep.

But I start balling when I hear the first TRUMPET NOTE of Dream A Little Dream of Me. It's one of my idiosyncrasies.

[Jay R]

There was a great episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show that dealt with this surprisingly well, when Chuckles the Clown died, and Mary couldn't understand why everybody else made jokes. Then at the funeral, she couldn't stop laughing.

"A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants."

[Peelee]

I've never cried over any pop-culture stuff (E.T. excluded) ever.

Ahhh, the siren song of people who haven't seen Life is Beautiful.

[Tvtyrant]

Ahhh, the siten song of people who haven't seen Life is Beautiful.

Personally I find the Futurama episode Jurassic Bark and the first 20 minutes of the movie Up to be this.

[Ravens_cry]

"Oh Steven, we already love you." I didn't cry at my grandmother's funeral, but I cried at that.

[Fragenstein]

Much like Conan, I will not cry. So I have a sidekick who cries for me.

In all seriousness -- the more serious a situation is, the less I'm likely to cry. That's mainly because I keep finding myself in positions where control is required to deal with... what must be dealt with. There are a lot of logistics to, oh say the death of a loved one, that can't be handled well if you're emotionally compromised.

But. Man. Show me the scene where Simba is trying to wake up Mufasa? Niagra Falls...