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Thread: Iron Poet XXIII
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2016-06-24, 10:19 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2006
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
Prompts: Dichocrocis tripunctapex, OO
Spoiler: PoetryAutumn
A time of change
Of ripening and decay
Fading light deepening shadows
Lowering a blanket onto the world
Of metamorphosis
Transforming everything it touches
So as we slip into our cocoons we hope
That should one of us grow wings
We both might
So that we could fly away togetherAhthankya, thankyaverymuch.
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2016-06-25, 12:45 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
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- The land of corn
- Gender
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
Prompts: Guitar in b/w and Relationship Anarchy
Spoiler: Guitar Anarchy
When I’m picking and spitting
it's hard-hitting and I’m
plucking in a variety of positions
every new decision
the precision of pick
and string collision
Each instrument gives compliment
to the sentiment
of its song’s betterment
which better meant
the sound was different
Some music I choose the acoustic
I use it to rock
the stick, my new trick is too sick
so I do quick
shredding with a blue pick
Or else es un toque de choque
retumba la oquedad
que me derrumba con gracia
y me llena en la ultratumba
On my Les Paul I can
feel my chest all full of words
let’s fall down and worship
the Immortal Slayer
or be the Guitar Hero player
Through the Fire and the Flames
is an expert flayer
of mediocre talent
What I need and I do
I feed off the situation
never let the creation lead
to ego inflation
but elation and variation
I don’t need just one guitar
but rather proliferation
SpoilerIt sucks, but here's something.
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2016-06-25, 09:49 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
Prompt:
Dichocrocis tripunctapex, OO
Spoiler: PoemSweet Darkness
In the darkness of the glade
Hides a forbidden temple
Far away from what has been made
Take my hand, I'll be your guide
Show you places where I am I
The places where I go to hide
Journey below to the quiet place
Forest paths I know by heart
Anticipation drives my pace
Darkness falls o'er what you see
Don't be afraid, just take my hand
Don't miss my forest for the trees
Familiar faces are hard to find
As you begin to understand
The darkness of a tortured mind
Truth bears a forgotten fruit
It stirs the sleeping forest
All the way down to it's root
There's an excitement in the air
As I show you what I wish I had
Subtle gestures once so rare
Time stands still within my glade
Silent but for the drumbeats
My heart races, I'm so afraid
The light, the heat, makes me shiver
The scent, the taste, it's all so clear
Reminiscing sets me aquiver
Stealing seconds by the hour
Moments matter most when I'm here
Waiting for the bloom of the flower
Outside the forest, life races on
Timeless here, but not for long
This is what I wait upon
We are creatures of the night
The past is a cocoon we must shed
Stretch those gorgeous wings, and take flight
Last edited by Techwarrior; 2016-06-25 at 09:53 PM.
Avatar courtesy of Ceika.
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2016-06-26, 08:38 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2015
- Location
- On the tip of my tongue
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
My poem disappeared and I have no time to retype it; boarding a plane. GL FL
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2016-06-26, 08:52 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2015
- Location
- On the tip of my tongue
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
NVM, posting before takeoff; using my extension.
Spoiler: Gabrje, Novo Mesto; only oneOf Žumberak Trdina rhapsodized
Whose peak adorns his name, and so I went
From winding Krka river I devised
An eastward journey, upwards my intent
I never made it
alone, the foothills
denied me
summit still a distant blur
I stumbled
pricked a vein
the first bloom of pain
undid my resolve
and I cannot tear
my eyes
away
from the memory of failure
no matter how miniscule
to the depth of field
where lie my dreams
I find myself trapped by
red spatter on green
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2016-06-26, 04:54 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2015
- Location
- Chicago
- Gender
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
I'm going to start judging, because the deadline has passed. My voteswill be bolded.
SaintRidley vs LordotTrinkets
Spoiler: SaintRidley vs LordotTrinketsSaintRidley
You have an interesting take on the rhythm of your poem. I like it. But sometimes, it feels choppy and the meaning is lost. However, I see this as your representation of Relationship anarchy. I'd change line 2 so that it wouldn't end in "and I'm." You're starting an idea, then cutting it short by starting a new line. And in Verse 3 line 4, "quick" and "shredding" are part of the same idea, don't separate them.
Your rhymes are OK, but they feel forced. Think about the rhyme and rhythm simultaneously so that both feel less awkward.
I don't understand why you have that one verse in Spanish. While the content of the verse describes the guitar well, I don't see why you did it in another language.
The word choice is nice. Not only do you show how the guitar looks, but how it feels as you play it. Very descriptive.
The prompts are very clearly present in the poem. The different guitar techniques and styles show how the guitarist doesn't feel differently about each "relationship" with each style, very nicely showing the relationship anarchy.
Ideas are great, but work on the structure of the piece.
LordotTrinkets
No poem.
SaintRidley
Spoiler: Lethologica vs FinnLassieLethological
The first verse has a nice and simple flow. Clean. The second verse is more chaotic, which helps amplify the feel of the section. However, the thoughts aren't clearly distinguishable, and some time needs to be taken to identify each. Thought provoking, yes, but that should be in the idea, not rhythm.
Rhymes in the first half fit nicely. The rhyme at the end gives closure to the conclusion, rather than cutting the poem off.
Descriptive word choice about the journey to Garbje, yet the focus of detail is on the narrator in the second half. Love the red spatter by green.
You spend a lot of time on Garbje and the journey, but it's almost as if you mentioned the image prompt as an afterthought at the end. Both prompts should be of equal prominence throughout the entire poem.
Nice work on descriptions, but keep the ideas (second verse) organized.
FinnLassie
The repeated haiku format keeps the flow of the piece moving. Simple, yet elegant. Lacks the ingenious spark of creativity, but it definitely doesn't detract from the piece.
There isn't any rhyming in here, but it doesn't feel like it's lacking, since the flow makes up for it.
Nice job on the word choice. I can clearly visualize the poem, which is great. None are vague, all give clear definitions.
The phrase "You're the only one" is gorgeous. It's prominence in the poem depicts the image nicely. Why didn't you keep it in the first verse?
The "Only One" image is very nicely portrayed in the poem. But the mentions of Garbje are little and nowhere near the prominence of the image. Both should be ore or less equally shown, difficult as it may be.
Beautiful poem about a flower, but don't forget about Garbje!
FinnLassie
Spoiler: neriractor vs Jormengand
neriractor
Your rhythm in the first and last verse feels good. But in the second verse, it's as if you cannot decide how many syllables to put into each line. I had to pause reading and reread the lines a bit, because it was off. Try to keep a steady pattern, or at least one that flows.
The rhyming is done well. Why don't you have it in the first verse?
Descriptive word choice. I'd like it more if the bird was a bit more described. Love the "cheeks bathed in salt"
In between the first and second verse it feels like there is a gap in the story. The bird is flying, and suddenly it stops breathing? Add a verse in between to help clarify the transition.
You talk a lot about the bird, but rather little about Frank Verdi. The closest mention to him is a generic pitcher. Both prompts have to be used.
Also, how come each line isn't capitalized? There's also the typo in the last line for threw.
Jormengand
The repetition of "you had one ___" is done well. I like it, it emphasizes the idea.
Great job on rhyming, but I think it might have been better if you changed it up a bit.
Words are good. They're not overly complex, so it doesn't overpower the message.
I love the idea about being given a chance but not using it. Very deep meaning in your poem, but the style doesn't fit.
You don't really use the prompts, which is kinda bad, but you make up for it by including your own perspective.
Jormengand
Spoiler: Techwarrior vs Elvaris vs The Bandicoot
Techwarrior
Your rhythm is done well. Not only is the flow in the verses good, but the poem flows in between verses. I don't really see three line verses elsewhere(except haikus), but you pull it off. This is probably a typo, but you add an extra "I" in verse 2 line 2.
Rhyming is done excellently.
You describe it amazingly. I see the place, but I also feel the place. Nice figurative language.
The poem tells a beautiful story. The emotions throughout fit together like a, like a, umm, flowy thingy.
The narrator is the moth, but there's little description of them except for the last verse. The apples are mentioned, but little is said about them.
Superb, but mix more of the prompts in.
Elvaris
There's no structure, but it still flows. Unique.
Really like your description of autumn. "Blanket of shadows" is a really nice phrase
"of metamorphosis" and "we both might" are too small in comparison to the other lines, so it cuts ideas short. Either extend these or connect them with another line
You describe the elements of autumn and change really well. Love it
Try to say something a bit more specific about the apples photo.
The Bandicoot
The flow gives this a lighthearted feel, which I like, but the syllables in each line have inconsistency. The pattern (I think) you tried to follow was three odd numbers followed by an even number of syllables, but some lines contained even amounts. Keep it (somewhat) consistent.
I like the style of your rhyming, with three rhymes and one non-rhyme line. It really helps to keep this bouncy, which is done well.
Your adjectives and verbs help keep the lighthearted tone, yet they could use a bit more depth/power.
You do a great job with the prompts. Both are used equally and with emphasis.
Techwarrior, 2nd place The Bandicoot
Spoiler: Black Socks vs ThanqolBlack Socks
Gotta love those limericks. However, you're cramming too many syllables into the lines. If you want to stick to the limerick, you have to keep the rhythm intact.
Rhyming's done well.
Your words fit really well with the playful feel of limericks.
So far, this poem has probably fit the prompts the most. You use the Wallendas and dragonfly in both of your limericks very well.
Thanqol
I'm usually not one for freeflow poems, but this somehow feels, right. I just really connect with this.
No rhyming, no problem.
The dragonfly is painted with such clear detail. Love it.
I really see the dragonfly prompt, but the Wallendas is a bit vague. It could be any physical movement.
This one was close, but Thanqol's idea stood out more.
Spoiler: The Extinguisher vs CuthalionThe Extinguisher
Rhythm feels like someone's talking to me. It feels conversational. I like that.
Not much rhyming, but definitely no detraction.
You could've used a bit more descriptive words. It fits the conversational feel, but more detail would be appreciated.
Not only do you include the prompt, you actually used details from the wikipedia article. Nice!
Cuthalion
No poem
The Extinguisher
I'll edit all my votes and critiques into this post as I finish them.Last edited by Eggel; 2016-07-10 at 11:34 PM.
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2016-06-29, 12:14 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2007
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- California (GMT -8)
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Re: Iron Poet XXIII
Looks I better start judging then! I'll likely make a new post and then delete this one when I get them all up. If I still haven't judged them in a few days, bug me!
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2016-06-30, 03:08 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2012
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
Judgement are due in two days. Just reminding everyone due to the holiday weekend.
Avatar courtesy of Ceika.
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2016-06-30, 04:03 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2013
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- Uusimaa
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
A holiday weekend? Isn't every weekend a holiday? no but really, is there some special weekend holiday in some country coming up?
Originally Posted by LaZodiac
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2016-06-30, 06:03 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2005
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- South Korea
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Re: Iron Poet XXIII
The Fourth of July (Independence Day in the States) is on Monday. I'm out of the country so it took me a bit to remember what holiday it could be.
Don't worry too much about the judgments. First round has a lot of poems, so more than a week is totally fine.“Sometimes, immersed in his books, there would come to him
the awareness of all that he did not know, of all that he had not read;
and the serenity for which he labored was shattered as he realized the
little time he had in life to read so much, to learn what he had to know.”
~Stoner, John Williams~
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2016-07-06, 03:56 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2007
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- California (GMT -8)
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Re: Iron Poet XXIII
I've made decisions on four of the match ups. I just have to do two more and then write up all my notes. But I should have them all up tomorrow!
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2016-07-08, 02:01 AM (ISO 8601)
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- California (GMT -8)
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Re: Iron Poet XXIII
Sorry for the delay!
First off, great poems all of you! I loved reading them all, as usual.
Second order of business: Two of the rounds were uncontested. Saint Ridley vs LordotTrinkets and The Extinguisher vs Cuthalion. From what I can tell, only Saint Ridley submitted for the former, and only The Extinguisher submitted for the latter. Therefore, for those two match-ups, I can safely declare those two the winners. If I somehow missed one of the poems in those match-ups, please let me know and I will get them judged properly. (Don't think I didn't read the two that did submit. I've just been too busy to have proper write ups for judging.)
Spoiler: Lethologica vs FinnLassie
Spoiler: LethologicaFirst thoughts: Wow, a bunch of names I can't pronounce! I suppose this is how people must feel about my username sometimes. I'm digging the rhyme at the beginning. Then it gets kind of ... claustrophobic? (probably not the word I'm looking for) with the short lines. I can feel the loneliness.
Delving deeper: I like how the rhyme scheme is abandoned as the mountain ascent begins to go awry. Very... characteristic, I want to say? No. What I want to say is that I like how the poem conveys how the voice feels.
Spoiler: FinnLassieFirst thoughts: Looks like some Haikus!
I've always been a big fan.
Refrigerator.
But seriously, Haikus are great. One line that irks me, however, is line 4: "Staring your petals." I guess with the five syllables you couldn't make it "staring at your petals." Unless you meant "Starring your petals"?
Delving deeper: They are indeed all Haikus. I counted every syllable. Again, I kind of barely understood the second one. The moor I read it, the more and more I'm beginning to feel like it's a metaphor.
Spoiler: ResultBoth fit the prompts very well. However, Lethologica's made me feel a lot more. I also really dug their style.
Spoiler: neriractor vs Jormengond
Spoiler: neriractoriFirst thoughts: Some rhyme, definitely. Jolly? No, playful. Although I might just be thinking that because of the rhyme. Damn, is that bird dead?
Delving deeper: Only some lines rhyme. That's okay. But what's their job that is referred to? Their chore? Is Frank Verdi hitting birds out of the sky?
Spoiler: JormengondFirst thoughts: Nice rhyme and rhythm. A reference to his one game that he did not do much in? I can't see the bird reference, however.
Delving deeper: Oh, wait: a positive poem? About seizing the chance? Wait, no. Actually. I'm fairly confused.
Spoiler: ResultOf the two, neriractor's fit both prompts a lot better.
For the three-way, I'm not actually sure if we're going top one or top two. I selected the best of the three for now. Let me know if I should select a second best as well.
Spoiler: Techwarrior vs Elvaris vs The Bandicoot
Spoiler: TechwarriorFirst thoughts: I like the rhyme, the mythic quality. The rhythm is definitely down pat. I'm feeling the the anticipation for sure. And oh, hey, there's the moth at the end!
Delving deeper: I just really like this poem. Damn it's good.
Spoiler: ElvarisFirst thoughts: Short! More conceptual than the last poem for sure. Aw, love twist! Both poems so far mentioned slipping into cocoons. But hey, moths, so that makes sense.
Delving deeper: I counted 51 words. Just barely made that cut-off, didn't ya? I liked it and all, but I'm not sure you mentioned the fruit at all?
Spoiler: The BandicootFirst thoughts: Interesting rhyming scheme. Definitely draws attention to the last word in each stanza. There are the apples! Oh no, the apple was stolen!
Delving deeper: I like that you incorporated both parts of the prompt fairly well.
Spoiler: ResultStraight up, I thought Techwarrior's was beautiful. Masterfully woven, and incorporated both parts of the prompt for sure.
Spoiler: Black Socks vs Thanqol
Spoiler: Black SocksFirst thoughts: Nice limmericks! I like the parallels between the two stories for sure.
Delving deeper: Kind of a slant rhyme in the first two lines, but no biggie. About 58 words, so also cutting it close, but definitely not as close as the other guy! Overall, I thought is was a very cute poem.
Spoiler: ThanqolFirst thoughts: A very different kind of poem from the last one. More somber. Sadder. An entirely different tone. Still captivating. Interesting choice to have no punctuation or capitalization.
Delving deeper: Not sure I get it. *Read a few more times.* Oh, photos remove the magic of the movement. Mesmerized in the ex's motion, but a photo reveals true nature. Feels kind of cathartic to "get" it.
Spoiler: ResultAlthough it took longer to get, and was less literal with the prompt, I felt more emotionally rewarded reading Thanqol's poem.
Again, let me know if there were some poems I missed, and thus some match-ups that I have to do further analysis on.Want an avatar? Shoot me a PM.
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2016-07-08, 08:13 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
Spoiler: SzilardHonestly, both prompts made me think of a forest at night. I included more specific allusions for both prompts because I was afraid no-one would see that connection.Avatar courtesy of Ceika.
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2016-07-08, 11:22 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2012
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- In the Playground, duh.
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
Spoiler: SzilardThe first reference you're right, it was about the game he never got to act in. The second reference was to the comments people were making on the bird photo about how the photographer caught it at just the right time.
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2016-07-08, 11:27 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2015
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- On the tip of my tongue
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
Huh. Is commenting on the judges' interpretation of one's poem a Thing That People Do? I don't know the convention. (I guess I broke one by opening a spoiler box addressed to someone else, though. )
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2016-07-10, 11:44 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jul 2015
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- Chicago
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Re: Iron Poet XXIII
I have (finally) finished all my judgements! Huzzah!
They're all in my earlier post.
How will the ties be resolved, since GAAD has kind of disappeared from the forums?
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2016-07-11, 04:27 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2015
- Location
- On the tip of my tongue
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
Vaynor breaks ties. Refer to rules 5 and 17 in the OP.
FWIW:
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2016-07-15, 09:58 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
Any word on our final judgement and next prompts?
Spoiler: eggelAre you referring to "Show you the places where I am I" ? That line is supposed to read that way.Last edited by Techwarrior; 2016-07-15 at 10:01 AM.
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2016-07-16, 08:40 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Jul 2005
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- South Korea
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Re: Iron Poet XXIII
Sorry for the delay!
The winners of round one are as follows:
SaintRidley
Lethologica
neriractor
Techwarrior
Thanqol
The Extinguisher
Only the top choice for the three-person prompt was chosen so as to keep it even for future rounds (while still acknowledging that this will eventually necessitate a three-way final round, but that seems more fair than three people randomly being selected in round two).
I'll have the next round up tomorrow.“Sometimes, immersed in his books, there would come to him
the awareness of all that he did not know, of all that he had not read;
and the serenity for which he labored was shattered as he realized the
little time he had in life to read so much, to learn what he had to know.”
~Stoner, John Williams~
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2016-07-22, 08:37 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2012
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
So, any update on the next prompts?
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2016-07-24, 06:10 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jul 2015
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- Chicago
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Re: Iron Poet XXIII
I guess ... not?
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2016-07-24, 06:30 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2009
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
I propose a freestyle free-for-all poetic slamdown!
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2016-07-24, 08:50 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jan 2015
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- On the tip of my tongue
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
will there be pizza
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2016-07-24, 08:51 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2007
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- California (GMT -8)
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Re: Iron Poet XXIII
Slam poetry battle, go!
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2016-07-24, 09:06 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2014
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- Yaritagua, Venezuela
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2016-07-24, 09:53 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2009
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
I'm going to open the poetry free for all with a brutal, unprovoked attack on neriractor.
Two-thousand fourteen? Goddamn what a newb
I'd gut you but I don't want baby blood on my suit!
You wanna throw the dice? Bitch, I bet you don't even play
And in this thread I am DESIGNING THE GAME!
Nineteen hundred days of paints and, baby, I got more,
But I don't need a pen or brush to bring you to the floor
You're generic! A stickman! Wearing your grandmother's dress!
Holding your bone(r) in your hand and your face all a mess!
Vaynor's gone and I'm crowning myself MarineKing
And I'll stutterstomp you like you're a slow zergling
So come at me bro, stop talkin' 'bout food
'cause everyone knows Arts and Crafts is MY HOODLast edited by Thanqol; 2016-07-24 at 09:55 PM.
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2016-07-24, 10:23 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jan 2015
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- On the tip of my tongue
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
I had a totally sick reply prepped but i forgot what i was going to say. i'm sure l'esprit d'escalier will strike soon enough. it's just a username pun i don't actually have anything prepped.
Last edited by Lethologica; 2016-07-24 at 10:26 PM.
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2016-07-25, 12:32 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2014
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- Yaritagua, Venezuela
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Re: Iron Poet XXIII
alright lets do this then
altough I don´t enjoy violence
today you´ll be smacked
those horrible rhymes must be punished
and that´s a fact
so you think you are hot stuff, is that right old man?
you better watch your ticker ´cause **** just hit the fan
stop hiding in those shadows and show some strength
´cause if we measure our talents you can´t reach a tenth [of mine]
if you think you got some pull, you must be blind
is not surprising with those creepy little white-ass eyes
and I will take this crap no more, you inhuman thief
if you start talking about space I´m still THE MASTER CHIEF
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2016-07-25, 01:31 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2013
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- Uusimaa
Re: Iron Poet XXIII
Vaynor, everyone's out here to do the sass game. Vaynor, please. Vaynor. Your sass isn't here. Vaynor, I summon you!
Originally Posted by LaZodiac
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2016-07-28, 07:09 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jul 2005
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- South Korea
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Re: Iron Poet XXIII
I'm so sorry! I honestly thought I had already posted them. I had them all done and everything. I'm currently in Japan on vacation and decided to check how the contest was doing and lo and behold I'm an idiot. Here's the prompts for round two. Sorry again for the delay!
Iron Poet XXIII: Round 2
The Extinguisher vs. neriractor: confession, loath
Techwarrior vs. Lethologica: discourteous, chaste
Thanqol vs. SaintRidley: dictation, nourishing
Deadline: Saturday, August 6th, 2016 at 11:59 pm (EDT).“Sometimes, immersed in his books, there would come to him
the awareness of all that he did not know, of all that he had not read;
and the serenity for which he labored was shattered as he realized the
little time he had in life to read so much, to learn what he had to know.”
~Stoner, John Williams~
My Homebrew (Most Recent) | Forum Rules
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