LGBTAI+ #57 Infinity: I Love You, Always Forever

[Bobbybobby99]

Just informing everyone of my continued presence. My school is surprisingly accepting of being gay, and my grandmother just sort of doesn't care, so I don't have much to say most of the time.

[Dire Moose]

Well, that's good to note. I'm glad things are going so well.

On the other hand, I'm occasionally managing to distract myself with various things, but I'm still constantly having to deal with worse and worse anxiety about what lies ahead for me. It's becoming more difficult to keep this trans thing on the back burner and not worry about it, and trying to claim that I'm not sure or even that I'm somewhere in the middle is working less and less. Yet when I do try and accept myself I don't feel good or right at all, just scared and helpless. I wish this would just go away, but everything I've read just reminds me that it won't and will just keep getting worse unless I start taking steps to change myself. And that is likely to utterly destroy any amount of social progress I've ever made in the world.

tl;dr: Transition and my career/social life is utterly ruined; don't transition and I live with more and more guilt, disappointment, and self-abuse over being too afraid to do it until I finally break down.

Either way, I'm screwed, and I wish I could find a better way out than either alternative.

And I'm still overcome with doubts and second-guessing as well. Maybe I really am somewhere in the middle and jumping to the wrong conclusions, or maybe I really am trans; I still can't be sure. Why did I ever try this "figuring out my gender identity" thing in the first place when I could have left well enough alone and not had to deal with this?

[Grytorm]

I really know in a lot of ways what you are talking about. You are handling it better than I did, in the proactive approach to the whole situation. I ended up interacting in the thread from curiosity about some subjects and ended up realizing I kind of wanted to be a girl. And basically I haven't done much to explore that or start any sort of transition in the last year and a half. I got a skirt I hardly wear and I've told a few people. But that is about it.

[Jaycemonde]

Between still lagging behind everyone else with transitioning through reasons I can't control and apparently being the last person in the whole ****ing world to learn that Bailey Jay is apparently a huge trans rights activist and a precious nerdy cinnamon roll (though I'm still glad I knew about Fallon Fox long before anyone else in my circle of contacts) I've been feeling pretty fake and un-trans the last few days. As if my being nonbinary/my specific identification wasn't enough.

I'm just kind of glad so many people who [still] post here seem to be enby nowadays. It makes me feel slightly less gross.

Edit: I've been trying to change my avatar, but I forgot how absolutely horrible vBulletin is concerning avatars and how hard it is to find anything that will work on an iPhone for backing files up/uploading them with proper links.

[Dire Moose]

Between still lagging behind everyone else with transitioning through reasons I can't control and apparently being the last person in the whole ****ing world to learn that Bailey Jay is apparently a huge trans rights activist and a precious nerdy cinnamon roll (though I'm still glad I knew about Fallon Fox long before anyone else in my circle of contacts) I've been feeling pretty fake and un-trans the last few days. As if my being nonbinary/my specific identification wasn't enough.

Well, I'm feeling about the same way as you right now, and I haven't done much about it either, so you're hardly in a bad position by comparison.

[Rain Dragon]

Itchy stubble,

Spoiler

Show

Turns to cuts and trouble

Spoiler

Show

Unless you double

Spoiler

Show

Burma-Shave

Bahah.

And now, because I'm not a huge fan of haiku:

Spoiler: Poem

Show

Itchy scratchy legs
Irritates, and annoys.
Brings back smooth memories
Long lost shaven joys.

Time has come to recreate
This feeling I do miss.
To run my fingers over skin
And feel the soft soft bliss.

Ready now,
In a shower I do stand.
Cold and wet
And razor in hand.

Band-aids ready
To fulfill their need.
But through skillful hand
Legs do not bleed.

Briefly enjoy
My smooth soft skin
Before its covered
In soft cloth, so thin.

Put on a dress
And a smile.
For dressed like this
I'll be here a while.

The only one
Who sees me here,
Can't help but stare
In the mirror.

Her face is covered
In paint and powder.
Its not done well
But I'm happy for her.

I shave my legs
Just for one.
She's in the mirror.
She's glad its done.





I suck at poems
Which you can tell,
As this went on
It went downhill.

I like Haikus.

That version has style.

Just informing everyone of my continued presence. My school is surprisingly accepting of being gay, and my grandmother just sort of doesn't care, so I don't have much to say most of the time.

Greetings.

Well, that's good to note. I'm glad things are going so well.

On the other hand, I'm occasionally managing to distract myself with various things, but I'm still constantly having to deal with worse and worse anxiety about what lies ahead for me. It's becoming more difficult to keep this trans thing on the back burner and not worry about it, and trying to claim that I'm not sure or even that I'm somewhere in the middle is working less and less. Yet when I do try and accept myself I don't feel good or right at all, just scared and helpless. I wish this would just go away, but everything I've read just reminds me that it won't and will just keep getting worse unless I start taking steps to change myself. And that is likely to utterly destroy any amount of social progress I've ever made in the world.

tl;dr: Transition and my career/social life is utterly ruined; don't transition and I live with more and more guilt, disappointment, and self-abuse over being too afraid to do it until I finally break down.

Either way, I'm screwed, and I wish I could find a better way out than either alternative.

And I'm still overcome with doubts and second-guessing as well. Maybe I really am somewhere in the middle and jumping to the wrong conclusions, or maybe I really am trans; I still can't be sure. Why did I ever try this "figuring out my gender identity" thing in the first place when I could have left well enough alone and not had to deal with this?

I really know in a lot of ways what you are talking about. You are handling it better than I did, in the proactive approach to the whole situation. I ended up interacting in the thread from curiosity about some subjects and ended up realizing I kind of wanted to be a girl. And basically I haven't done much to explore that or start any sort of transition in the last year and a half. I got a skirt I hardly wear and I've told a few people. But that is about it.

Ouch. Sorry for clumping these together (short on time) but I wish you both well. It can be pretty difficult to deal with that sort of thing. I have no advice atm , but would offer internet hugs or somesuch.

Keep finding myself in a frame of mind where I feel like I'm never going to make any progress with transitioning and never going to have any real shot at being happy. Just thinking about it and I end up feelin' like there just ain't no point trying anymore.

I sometimes try to focus on the idea that I don't know that transitioning will do nothing unless I give up. I hope you feel better about things soon.

Between still lagging behind everyone else with transitioning through reasons I can't control and apparently being the last person in the whole ****ing world to learn that Bailey Jay is apparently a huge trans rights activist and a precious nerdy cinnamon roll (though I'm still glad I knew about Fallon Fox long before anyone else in my circle of contacts) I've been feeling pretty fake and un-trans the last few days. As if my being nonbinary/my specific identification wasn't enough.

I'm just kind of glad so many people who [still] post here seem to be enby nowadays. It makes me feel slightly less gross.

Edit: I've been trying to change my avatar, but I forgot how absolutely horrible vBulletin is concerning avatars and how hard it is to find anything that will work on an iPhone for backing files up/uploading them with proper links.

Ouch sounds rough. I don't think you're fake.

Bleh, yeah. It'd be nice if it'd at least resize rather than crop, but alas.

[Heliomance]

Between still lagging behind everyone else with transitioning through reasons I can't control and apparently being the last person in the whole ****ing world to learn that Bailey Jay is apparently a huge trans rights activist and a precious nerdy cinnamon roll (though I'm still glad I knew about Fallon Fox long before anyone else in my circle of contacts) I've been feeling pretty fake and un-trans the last few days. As if my being nonbinary/my specific identification wasn't enough.

I've never heard of either of those people, so I think you're ok :P

[JusticeZero]

Aye. It's hard to shift your pitch to a feminine without falsetto, I think.

It's fortunate that i'm not trying to shift my pitch far at all then, since a lot of my voice isn't very far from epicene by default. It's the other stuff that I need help with, and I'm fine if there's some confusion.

[Jaycemonde]

I've never heard of either of those people, so I think you're ok :P

Fallon Fox is the first ever openly trans-fem UFC fighter, and she's pretty damn good at it, too. Can take on people twice her size. There were a few concerns about how maybe she somehow gets some kind of advantage from "you know, her real body" or whatever, but people started being suitably impressed when someone explained that if anything, hormone replacement therapy and cosmetic surgery would only be a handicap in a fight.

Bailey Jay is, uh. Well, she's a porn star that's super chill and super outspoken about trans rights (and about *******s that fetishize trans people) and she's got a super sharp wit that can shut almost any rude jerk down. It's like she has a submachinegun in her mouth that chambers withering remarks about double standards and fragile egos. Seeing her go off is pretty inspirational. She also talks a lot about the bad parts of The Industry, which is nice. Not enough stars will do that, even if they can.

They're both role models of mine for a reason. Better than Caitlyn, for sure.




Also, I got art from like one of my all-time favorite artists ever last night, it's so amazingly good, I would link it but it's definitely not site-friendly :c

Also also, Evie and I made up after our (pretty awful) fight and I feel a lot better now, if still a little (a lot) defensive.

Edit: Oh yeah, on the subject of voices, while I can't do a lot to work on how my voice sounds (and I've been meeting a few people that suggest not sounding feminine is a good enough reason to explicitly undermine my pronoun choice/gender identity, which only reinforces my decision never to use microphones) I HAVE been finding promising solutions to allowing 42a-209 to talk. Pinning down his mental voice is proving a bit difficult, but I'm thinking of Text to Speech software for him so he doesn't have to deal with my stupid limited vocal range when he talks.

[Bobbybobby99]

Whenever I feel depressed, I start mentally repeating about Bluebirds, Butterflies, Daffodils and Lolipops, Bluebirds, Butterflies, Daffodils and Lolipops... But that probably isn't very effective. I wish I could give better advice. But maybe try it? Or not?

[golentan]

I remind myself I could leave my life behind whenever I wanted to, just start walking and rely on my various skill sets to find food along the way and stay warm until I find someplace worth being.

And there are things in my life that make me not want to, because as hard as being here can sometimes be, it's all worth it. ~snuggles miraqariftsky~

Also, I do meditative breathing and eat spice-drops. And this morning, I cooked myself eggs benedict from scratch using non-dairy bearnaise (it worked just fine, just needs extra egg yolks). As long as I have food and my lady love, it will be okay.

[YossarianLives]

Can I second everything golentan just said? Because they really know what they're talking about.

[golentan]

Why not (for unable to walk away)? What's tying you down?

I find most of people's ties are actually in their heads. The expectations of others that they will find a house and spouse and be readily available at all times for contact, and the ensuing requirements of stuff and labor to maintain that stuff and... But, when you realize you don't have to follow the script, it's strangely liberating that if you do stick with it, it's YOUR choice, because you are building whatever it is. Unless you're under arrest or in fear of your life (as from medical issues), there's not much I can think of that you couldn't choose to walk away from, into the unknown. It's the fear of going off script that holds most people, or the fear of disappointing others, or some as-yet unaccomplished goal. And the last is the only one that really matters to me, at this point.

And no, if everyone did it all at once, that would be bad. But most people have goals to work for. And maybe if people were more willing to walk out on bad situations, life would be better overall. Not just "I had a single bad day so I'm gonna go live in the mountains for a decade" but if you're caught in a poverty trap or a threatening situation or whatever else... Walk out. Sever the ties of toxic relationships, and cultivate a garden of positive ones. Don't worry about material stuff beyond what you need to live, and toss out all that old junk or give it to people who need it or repurpose it into that modern art sculpture you've always wanted to make (and I mean you, not me, I hate modern art, though I do like sculpture). Go walking for a week or two to clear your head (I once walked three hundred miles before I decided to take the bus back). Whatever.

[ArlEammon]

Eh, I'm unable to cope with this loneliness for much longer.
I keep eating too much.

[golentan]

So go meet people. There are dozens of places I can recommend looking, but I can't meet people for you.

If meeting people is too anxiety producing, go see a therapist.

If seeing a therapist is too problematic, I suggest a mental health hotline.

In the interim, have hugs. ~hugs~

[Rain Dragon]

The problem is not that transitioning will do nothing, just I have no clue how I'll ever actually get to the point where I can start transitioning anymore.

I meant to say 'trying to transition' rather than 'transitioning'. I was in a rush.

I sometimes feel hopeless and really need to find that drive to keep taking steps otherwise I'm going to forever be stuck in a cycle and it's going to spiral downwards. Also, looking back on things done is often a good idea, and thinking 'This is what I've done so far. They're good steps.' It's fairly difficult to tear down barriers or force one's way through when one's feeling down.

Why not (for unable to walk away)? What's tying you down?

I find most of people's ties are actually in their heads. The expectations of others that they will find a house and spouse and be readily available at all times for contact, and the ensuing requirements of stuff and labor to maintain that stuff and... But, when you realize you don't have to follow the script, it's strangely liberating that if you do stick with it, it's YOUR choice, because you are building whatever it is. Unless you're under arrest or in fear of your life (as from medical issues), there's not much I can think of that you couldn't choose to walk away from, into the unknown. It's the fear of going off script that holds most people, or the fear of disappointing others, or some as-yet unaccomplished goal. And the last is the only one that really matters to me, at this point.

And no, if everyone did it all at once, that would be bad. But most people have goals to work for. And maybe if people were more willing to walk out on bad situations, life would be better overall. Not just "I had a single bad day so I'm gonna go live in the mountains for a decade" but if you're caught in a poverty trap or a threatening situation or whatever else... Walk out. Sever the ties of toxic relationships, and cultivate a garden of positive ones. Don't worry about material stuff beyond what you need to live, and toss out all that old junk or give it to people who need it or repurpose it into that modern art sculpture you've always wanted to make (and I mean you, not me, I hate modern art, though I do like sculpture). Go walking for a week or two to clear your head (I once walked three hundred miles before I decided to take the bus back). Whatever.

I really wish I'd learned this earlier. Much, much earlier. It's good advice, for me at least.

[golentan]

I'm a wise fool and a kind jerk, when I want to be.

[golentan]

Was aimed at Darth Arminius that part.

And bills are only important if you're buying things. My hypothetical walk-out, I wouldn't even talk to another human being more than once a month, let alone purchase (I know harvestable sources of all micro and macro nutrients in my environment and places I could go for shelter, as an example). A friend of mine went walkabout for a while, and learned to forage in cities for free food. If you're not feeling so extreme, if you can take on debt now for a future where you don't need it, or have a relationship that doesn't need to be tossed out with some of the ones you walk away from that you can call on for aide, well, pay it forward if you can't pay it back. I've known children who have survived on the streets with less training than I'm absolutely positive you have, and in warzones. It may not be pleasant, but you can do it.

It's the fear of the unknown, of going off script that is the mental block you're dealing with. When you realize that you can choose to face it, and can still choose to stay, it's at least YOUR choice whether to stay. And having the option is liberating even knowing you are unlikely to ever lose it. Ever see the learned helplessness experiments on dogs? A dog, punished enough, will give up hope of ever escaping even when the apparatuses blocking their freedom are removed. It's... quite horrifying, in truth, but it's applicable. The cage is gone everywhere but their own mind, but they stay within it and lament its nonexistent existence. It's real to them, by the by. The fact something is in your mind is not a dismissal, it's a hardship. Everything most worth pursuing and everything most horrifying exists only through the lens of thought, it's all in your head if it's worth a damn. But if you acknowledge that, you can test the bars. If you realize that your depression or your fear or your whatever else is a barrier to pursuing what you want in your heart of hearts... you may not break free the first time. Maybe not the second. But if you acknowledge that the bars are illusory and continue to test them, sometimes, just sometimes, you find yourself on the far side. And it only has to work once, when it counts.

[Comrade]

Was aimed at Darth Arminius that part.

My mistake, sorry.

[Rain Dragon]

Meeting people isn't really the problem. I appreciate the advice (and the hugs), and hell, being able to walk away would be nice. I'd like that option. But I just ain't cut out for hurling myself into the world on my own like that. Pretty much my whole life has been my family going 'You just keep going to school, we'll handle all financial stuff' so I've never had a job, never had to worry about paying bills, none of that. If I tried to up and strike out on my own I wouldn't have a clue what I was doing.

Good ideas, but unfortunately I really haven't done anything at this point, so there's not much for me to look back on. It's the getting things done that's tripping me up.

I've known quite a few people who had no idea as well and were sort of dropped into the world anyway and had to make their way. They're doing well. I didn't have much of a clue what I was doing on many occasions I thought would be foolhardy at best, but I survived and it turned out for the better.

From my pov, you seem to be sure of your transition and that you're going to try to move forward. That in and of itself really is something and it's rather important. It's a great first step. Have you researched what you need to do next? If so, that's a really great next step (and I get the impression you have). Maybe they seem like little things, but maybe it'd help to look at them and try to think 'Yes, I did that. Go me! That's great! Now I just need to do a little bit more.' Maybe muster up the courage to ask your GP about referral if that's something you need to do? Talk to someone? Go to a support group and ask questions about transitioning? Maybe you've already done all of those things, in which case that's a heck of a lot more than I've been able to do! It just gets really overwhelming for me to think about everything at once, so trying to hold onto one's achievements and use them as motivation to take just that little next step really helps.

(I found this advice in a better form somewhere on the internet, but I forget where it was. )

---

EDIT - @Golentan - Gee, I haven't seen the word walkabout for a while! It's good to see it again.

[Jormengand]

So, I got some breast forms today, sent by a lovely person from our very own playground, and I feel happier already wearing them. <3

On a sadder note, am probably going to have to buy hormone treatment, and do so without even my family's involvement, rather than wait for stuff to happen. Much sad.

[Irish Musician]

Yeah, good razors are bloody expensive, but cheap razors suck so much ass!

Safety razors. Wonderfully close shave and next best thing next to a straight razor. Not to mention their blades are about $12 for 50 or so.

Aye. It's hard to shift your pitch to a feminine without falsetto, I think.

It is all about working on those muscles. The more you talk in your falsetto, the more those muscles will build up, and the more powerful that range of the voice will be. Eventually it will sound about as close to full voice as you can get in falsetto.

So, I got some breast forms today, sent by a lovely person from our very own playground, and I feel happier already wearing them. <3

Happy Jor is happy, though

[Rain Dragon]

I do have some idea of what I need to do from here-- there's an informed consent clinic an easy drive away, I'm planning to go there for a consultation as soon as possible. For the time being I'm still trying to do what I can to accommodate my folks in that, as much as I can reasonably be expected to-- found a therapist who specialises in family therapy for transgender issues so I'll be getting in touch with them and hopefully scheduling something for my folks. When that happens-- or, conversely, if worst comes to worst, when I go to that clinic on my own-- then I'll feel like I've done something. Til then, just wavering.

It sounds like a good plan and some good progress to me. Best of luck!

So, I got some breast forms today, sent by a lovely person from our very own playground, and I feel happier already wearing them. <3

On a sadder note, am probably going to have to buy hormone treatment, and do so without even my family's involvement, rather than wait for stuff to happen. Much sad.

Awesome!

Awh. Good luck.

[Jormengand]

My attempts to get hormone treatment have been defeated largely by the fact that I have no idea how to set up online payments, and information on how to do so is practically nonexistent.

[Lentrax]

So, I got some breast forms today, sent by a lovely person from our very own playground, and I feel happier already wearing them. <3

On a sadder note, am probably going to have to buy hormone treatment, and do so without even my family's involvement, rather than wait for stuff to happen. Much sad.

*queries atm*

Send money to Jor.

*blergh*

*punches atm.* Send my money to Jor!

Atm fights back in death arena.

Ashleigh steps over dead adversary to next atm.

"Send my money to Jor, please."

*blergh.*

*ad nauseum, as nauseum...ad nauseum..."

[Jormengand]

*queries atm*

Send money to Jor.

*blergh*

*punches atm.* Send my money to Jor!

Atm fights back in death arena.

Ashleigh steps over dead adversary to next atm.

"Send my money to Jor, please."

*blergh.*

*ad nauseum, as nauseum...ad nauseum..."

Though the money itself isn't actually an issue so much as setting things up to send the money. Which is a pain.

[Heliomance]

So, I got some breast forms today, sent by a lovely person from our very own playground, and I feel happier already wearing them. <3

On a sadder note, am probably going to have to buy hormone treatment, and do so without even my family's involvement, rather than wait for stuff to happen. Much sad.

...I sent those second class on Saturday, I wasn't expecting them to arrive until like Wednesday! Royal Mail delivery times are unpredictable.

So I'm aware of the irony, considering my fairly awful experiences with Charing Cross, but how come you can't go the NHS route?

[Jormengand]

...I sent those second class on Saturday, I wasn't expecting them to arrive until like Wednesday! Royal Mail delivery times are unpredictable.

Well, thanks for them!

So I'm aware of the irony, considering my fairly awful experiences with Charing Cross, but how come you can't go the NHS route?

It's too long. I can't last that long.

[Astrella]

@Jor; a prepaid credit card might work?

[Jormengand]

@Jor; a prepaid credit card might work?

The people I'm buying them from only accept a limited range of options and I don't even know how paying money online really, well, works, so there's that.