Horrible roommate...

[MonkeySage]

This semester cannot end soon enough. I got a 2BR apartment on campus earlier this semester and was assigned a roommate. At first things seemed good, he was polite and helpful... It's been a rollercoaster since then but basically he:
Keeps guests after hours.
Gets himself extremely drunk and becomes belligerent.
Throws parties that I end up having to clean up after.
Has proven himself to be a homophobe, apparently my sexual orientation is a problem for him.

Now I suppose it could be worse, but it's a new experience for me; he's the second roommate I had, and the first time around I had an RA for a roommate.

[Starwulf]

This semester cannot end soon enough. I got a 2BR apartment on campus earlier this semester and was assigned a roommate. At first things seemed good, he was polite and helpful... It's been a rollercoaster since then but basically he:
Keeps guests after hours.
Gets himself extremely drunk and becomes belligerent.
Throws parties that I end up having to clean up after.
Has proven himself to be a homophobe, apparently my sexual orientation is a problem for him.

Now I suppose it could be worse, but it's a new experience for me; he's the second roommate I had, and the first time around I had an RA for a roommate.

All but the last part is just part of the ride when it comes to college, or at least from what I heard from friends who went to college back in the day. The last part however, I'd take that to your Dorm Advisor or whatever it's called, I imagine they would immediately reassign you a new roommate, no college can afford to have stimgas of sexual discrimination with it, even if it's just a student doing it.

[MrZJunior]

This semester cannot end soon enough. I got a 2BR apartment on campus earlier this semester and was assigned a roommate. At first things seemed good, he was polite and helpful... It's been a rollercoaster since then but basically he:
Keeps guests after hours.
Gets himself extremely drunk and becomes belligerent.
Throws parties that I end up having to clean up after.
Has proven himself to be a homophobe, apparently my sexual orientation is a problem for him.

Now I suppose it could be worse, but it's a new experience for me; he's the second roommate I had, and the first time around I had an RA for a roommate.

I would try talking to him about the issues you are having, possibly see if you can get an RA to help moderate it.

Otherwise, the campus police are your friends.

[cobaltstarfire]

I would try talking to him about the issues you are having, possibly see if you can get an RA to help moderate it.

Otherwise, the campus police are your friends.

This a thousand times

Much of what you have described is unacceptable behavior from a suit mate. It sounds like he is likely breaking several dorm policies. In my experience if someone has visitors there without the other roommates consent, that's against policy. Keeping people over night is also usually against policy (or subject to payment at least). If either of you are underage, the drinking is likely also against policy, some dorms don't allow alcohol at all regardless of age.


If you've already tried to talk to him definitly get the RA's involved, if your RA won't do anything than you escalate to the Dorm supervisors and so on until it is properly dealt with.

[goto124]

no college can afford to have stimgas of sexual discrimination with it, even if it's just a student doing it.

What country is OP in? Might be best to avoid mentioning the sexuality thing to authorities...

[The Glyphstone]

What country is OP in? Might be best to avoid mentioning the sexuality thing to authorities...

US, in Arkansas - the Deep South.

[Killer Angel]

US, in Arkansas - the Deep South.

The drinking issue should be a good leverage.
MonkeySage, keep us informed!

[MonkeySage]

There isn't much that can be done about the homophobia, unfortunately...
Technically, we aren't allowed to have guests past a certain time, but my real issue was that his guests often stay the night.
This all started to be a major problem a few weeks ago, when my roommate got into a huge fight with one of his guests, and nearly tore the apartment to pieces in the process. As soon as the guest was thrown out, he declared that another of his guests would be "living" here, and ordered me to remain silent about it. I was already shaken up about the fight, as I'm not much of a fighter personally- I'd break like a twig, lol. I was not comfortable having an extra person living here, I put extra loan money towards a 2BR specifically to avoid that. But I was also not comfortable talking to him about it; I didn't think talking would accomplish anything other than pissing him off, so I ended up consulting one of his more level headed friends about what I should do.
After about a week of the guest living here, I finally decided to call up an RA. At this point, the roommate was furious, and I was concerned he'd retaliate in some way- thankfully he did not.
The guest resumed staying the night again a few days later, kept doing so until last night when I called the RA again. Once again, the RA came and dealt with the issue, and attempted to establish a dialogue between the roommate and I. Failure to communicate, he said, was a big problem here. I told the RA that I can't handle confrontation and that under the circumstances, I was extremely uncomfortable, but that I'd be willing to talk if actually given the chance to.
Alcohol- Technically prohibited for all ages, though the RAs tend to look the otherway as long as the residents aren't doing something really stupid.

[cobaltstarfire]

Dorms usually handle things in a way that is based around teaching the residents how to deal with and resolve issues on their own once they're in the outside world. So unless you feel in physical danger "I'm not comfortable talking to people about this" isn't really going to fly. Once you're outside of the dorm there won't be RA's to help you resolve issues with disruptive neighbors, the RA's are just there to mediate, not hold your hand.

If the RA's aren't doing anything about particular issues even though this guy is apparently really belligerent you need to tell the RA that you're going to escalate up to the Dorms Supervisor if things can't be straitened out. If nothing happens then it's time to talk to the Dorm Supervisor.

If you feel in physical danger, or your suit mate is seriously compromising your ability to do school work, that should be enough to get you a new room mate, or moved to a new room. If you're stuck with the guy document things, like if he destroys parts of the space, breaks policies in ways the negatively effect you, or if he threatens/hurts you.

[noparlpf]

I was the grouchy old man who called campus police on my neighbors all the time before moving off campus ASAP. I don't have much advice for now but I'd suggest looking into either applying for a single (in which case neighbors are still a problem, but at least no roommate) or off-campus housing.

[Peelee]

Dude, if your roomate is trying to get someone else to live there, even after the RA has "solved" the problem twice, yeah, either tell the RA to solve the problem permanently or go to the housing board. Yes, the RA's not there to hold your hand, but if the rules are being flagrantly and consistently violated, then something needs to be done. Real apartments have landlords who would help solve this exact issue for you. If you shelled out more money for a 2-bed specifically so you wouldn't have to have more than one roommate, then either you shouldn't have to deal with others staying over, or you shouldn't have to pay the 2-bed fees.

I know exactly what it's like to be the non-confrontational, pacifistic, young college kid. Only way out of this that you'll be happy with is to be confrontational with someone, and honestly it sounds like the RA or housing board is the one to confront. Roommate is constantly violating rules left and right, he ain't gonna change because you took issue with him. Either he or you need to change rooms; it's a hostile environment already, with his homophobia and (I'm assuming) your homosexuality, and he's having people stay over constantly, attempted to get a third person living there, tried to coerce you into silence about his shenanigans, drinks constantly (RA may not care much but housing sure as hell would), and whatever else you may know about. This crap needs to stop. You're at a great time in your life right now, don't put up with this just because it's easier not to confront anyone. Raise a stink about it. Trust me, once your living situation improves, you'll be so happy you did.

[Tyndmyr]

Dorms usually handle things in a way that is based around teaching the residents how to deal with and resolve issues on their own once they're in the outside world. So unless you feel in physical danger "I'm not comfortable talking to people about this" isn't really going to fly. Once you're outside of the dorm there won't be RA's to help you resolve issues with disruptive neighbors, the RA's are just there to mediate, not hold your hand.

I agree. It's going to be necessary to tell this guy what you don't want...without that, the RA isn't going to really accomplish a great deal. He'll come in, talk to everyone, and that's that. While I also greatly dislike confrontation, putting it off isn't going to improve anything...it'll just give the jerk roommate space to say he thought it was okay. Be up front and clear about what you dislike with both the roomate and the RA. If he brings in unwanted guests again, after it all being quite clear, escalate as necessary until the problem is solved.

In short, the roomies being a jerk, and will continue to act in this manner if not confronted. Nobody else involved will care about your well being as much as you will, so you've kind of got to take matters into your own hands, and confront him and the RA.

[Grinner]

I agree. It's going to be necessary to tell this guy what you don't want...without that, the RA isn't going to really accomplish a great deal. He'll come in, talk to everyone, and that's that. While I also greatly dislike confrontation, putting it off isn't going to improve anything...it'll just give the jerk roommate space to say he thought it was okay. Be up front and clear about what you dislike with both the roomate and the RA. If he brings in unwanted guests again, after it all being quite clear, escalate as necessary until the problem is solved.

In short, the roomies being a jerk, and will continue to act in this manner if not confronted. Nobody else involved will care about your well being as much as you will, so you've kind of got to take matters into your own hands, and confront him and the RA.

This is about what I came to say.

In this kind of situation, I think it's best to make your opinion known as soon as possible. Other people may or may not care how you feel, but if you don't make your opinion known, they'll assume you're fine with it. Then, they'll be confused when you later decide you've had enough and say something about it.

I think it's human tendency to assume others know what they're doing and act as they feel, when in reality, we're all frightened by life or too dumb to feel otherwise. But that's okay; it's the decisive, charismatic ones you need to worry about.

[cobaltstarfire]

At the very least this is going to be a pretty good learning experience.

I'm not exactly into confrontation either and can be very patient. But there's a line and I'm not going to let someone walk all over me or take advantage, especially if they're like your roommate and are clearly being buttfaces, rather than just being unaware. Use this as an opportunity to practice being your own advocate and doing so confidently, it's a good skill to have for many life situations.

[Alejandro]

Your roommate won't respond to being nice or trying to avoid conflict, just like the real world.

What works is authority, confidence, pain, and fear. Apply one or more of these for results. Start with the dorm authorities. Remember, your roommate is making you suffer and apparently won't respond to rationality, so it's time to make them suffer instead.

[Grinner]

What works is authority, confidence, pain, and fear. Apply one or more of these for results. Start with the dorm authorities. Remember, your roommate is making you suffer and apparently won't respond to rationality, so it's time to make them suffer instead.

...It's probably best to focus on the first two, though. Because the other two can backfire very badly, and you wouldn't be a swell person to employ them in the first place.

While we're talking about that, it's probably worth mentioning that being nice can work with the right people in the right circumstances. But not generally speaking.

[cobaltstarfire]

Being nice worked pretty well most of the time I think.

I was often cursed with a room near a stairwell while in school, and people would sometimes hang out there and talk late at night.

Simply popping my head out and asking them to take it elsewhere cause I'm trying to sleep usually is met with "Oh sorry!" and them moving. The same has been true in my apartment.

The only person who needed a harder approach was this jerk euphonium player a floor up. I had talked to him nicely, he still practiced all hours of the day....before I got a chance to complain to an RA my neighbor stomped up there and chewed him out really good. The dorms had very lax noise policies compared to apartments so that may well have been the only way to get him to go practice elsewhere.

Being vindictive/vengefull is just going to cause more trouble, don't "make him suffer" get the issue settled as appropriate no more, no less.

[RabbitHoleLost]

I'm currently living in Arkansas - would you mind telling me what school you go to? If it's U of A, they definitely WILL NOT tolerate any sort of homophobia being foisted on you. They're very progressive in that sort of thing and the Gayzorbacks (atleast when I went to U of A) are VERY active on campus and if there's an issue, would likely be more than willing to help you out.
re: the drinking
All of the campuses in Arkansas are dry campuses with no tolerance. That should be enough to get the issue resolved

[MonkeySage]

Henderson, the liberal arts college. Thankfully, I'm not attending Ouchita, which is right across the street. One of my friends almost got expelled from Ouchita just for being out of the closet.

[Peelee]

Hell, if you wanna transfer to a liberal arts college in down here, I'll rent you your own private small house complete garage. Just gotta finish it first.