Things I May No Longer Do While Playing X: Bard is not a valid choice

[Anonymouswizard]

Welcome, one and all to the tenth episode of this illustrious thread series on exactly how best to make your DM cry. As usual, we are always willing to lend a kind ear to your frustrations on things that have been banned, vetoed or just plain killed off at your table. Previous threads are listed below:

1: [Any] Things I may no longer do while playing.
2: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing II: Stop Making The DM Cry
3: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing III: I May Not Iron Heart Surge Rule Zero
4: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing IV: The Decanter of Endless Bad Ideas
5: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing V: Pun & Pun, Rules-Attorneys at Law
6: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing VI: This Isn't A Checklist We Swear!
7: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing VII: No, Not Even Then
8: Things I May No Longer Do while Playing VIII: Why is the PLOT on fire?
9: Things I May No Longer Do while Playing IX: GNO GNOMES!

Note: if you're going to use numbers, please keep the numbering in order. This means:
1) don't add sub-rules to previous numbers--people will think that number is the current one
2) look to make sure that the last post isn't a sub-rule to a previous number

Asterisks are highly recommended, though.

I think this was the winning title? If any got more than four votes I'll PM a mod to change it.

* There is no Decanter of Endless Tea.
** Even if there was, I cannot use it to outcompete the owner of Murlynd's Coffeepot.

[DigoDragon]

* If I miss my bus stop, I'm no longer allowed to cut through the Drama Club's parade in tribute to Julius Caesar.

[Madbox]

**In the event that there is a decanter of endless tea, I may not complain that it tastes like the swill they call tea at McDonald's.
*I may not have a rogue with more aliases and false identities, complete with cover stories, than the DM can keep track of

[TheTeaMustFlow]

* There is no Decanter of Endless Tea.
** Even if there was, I cannot use it to outcompete the owner of Murlynd's Coffeepot.

***May not corrupt the Decanter of Endless Tea with sugar.
**** When talking about the 'White Death', I should be clear whether I am referring to sugar, myxomatosis or excessively lethal Finns.
***** May not start a religious conflict over whether the Decanter of Endless Tea contains Earl Grey or Lapsang Souchong.

*The plot's vetoed if it's blatantly `Watership Down without the rabbits`.
**Even if my character in the last game was blatantly lifted from there and no one noticed.
*** This goes triple if we're playing Call of Cthulhu, regardless of thematic similarities.
**** Rabbits do not have a racial bonus to animal handling (Seagull).

[Elxir_Breauer]

As a Dread Necromancer, converted to Pathfinder:
*Not allowed to Zombify the Gray Render that was supposed to be a semi-decent challenge, then proceed to completely wreck the dungeon with said Zombie Render.
**Getting access to the Fly spell so that said Render can come with the party beyond the underground lava zone because our natural flyer can't carry it is right out.

[JAL_1138]

*If I've argued with a DM who demanded a drawn-out backstory and motive for my character to be adventuring, and finally got him to cave and let me just play, my wandering bard whose only connection to the plot was being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and whose motive for adventuring prior thereto consisted of "try to make enough cash and gain enough local popularity to afford food and lodging for a little while before said money and/or goodwill runs out and he has to move on again" may not wind up being the most motivated, proactive character and who's pursuing the plot on moral grounds.
**May not acknowledge that this is fairly similar to a previous post a thread or two back, although they were separate incidents.
***What? I like playing nobodies / random schmucks who turn heroic when the green slime hits the spinning blade trap.

*When the DM asks about my charlatan-background Fiend Pact Bard-lock's backstory, may not refuse to give any answer other than getting out my guitar and performing (IRL) the Grateful Dead's "Friend of the Devil" with the place-names in the song swapped to FR locations.

Spoiler: Lyrics

Show

I lit out from Luskan; I was trailed by twenty hounds
Didn't get to sleep that night 'till the mornin' came around
I set out runnin', but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight
I just might get some sleep tonight

I ran into the devil, babe; he loaned me twenty gold
Spent the night in Icewind Dale in a cave out in the cold
I set out runnin', but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight
I just might get some sleep tonight

I ran down to the Trollclaws, but the devil caught me there
He took my twenty golden coins and he vanished in the air
I set out runnin', but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight
I just might get some sleep tonight

Got two reasons why I cry away each lonely night
The first one's named sweet Anne-Marie, and she's my heart's delight
The second one is prison, babe, Paladins on my trail
And if they catch on up to me, I'll spend my life in jail

Got a wife in Baldur's Gate, and one in Waterdeep
The first one says she's got my child, but it don't look like me
I set out runnin', but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight
I just might get some sleep tonight

Got two reasons why I cry away each lonely night
The first one's named sweet Anne-Marie, and she's my heart's delight
The second one is prison, babe, Paladins on my trail
And if they catch on up to me, I'll spend my life in jail

Got a wife in Baldur's Gate, and one in Waterdeep
The first one says she's got my child, but it don't look like me
I set out runnin', but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight
I just might get some sleep tonight

[Khaiel]

* If my character's background is that he is a lawyer, I am expected to make him a freelancer, illusionist, wizard, paladin or some other class with high social skills, not a technician.
** While I might point out that Anima's classes are more templates than anything else, that is no excuse and doesn't explain how said lawyer has such knowledge of Ki.
*** Shouting "Objection!" is not a Ki Technique.
**** Even if it actually is one.
***** I do not have to use said Ki Technique every time I say the word "objection", nor do I have any moral obligation to shout it and point at someone everytime I say said word by virtue of being a lawyer.

Anima can be so hilarious sometimes...

[Fable Wright]

* The bear that is unable to speak should not be the best tactician in the combat.
** Nor should they be able to come off as condescending towards trained knights.
*** Even if they engineered the live capture of a vampire spawn to pin down the nest and cult behind it.
**** No, your character concept for the next campaign can't be Tacti-Bear, the Battlemaster Bear.
***** Even if your current character's end goal is to make a world where such a thing exists viable.
***** * If you do go through with it anyways, you will have to live through a constant stream of bear puns, I hope you know that.

[Anonymouswizard]

* The bear that is unable to speak should not be the best tactician in the combat.
** Nor should they be able to come off as condescending towards trained knights.
*** Even if they engineered the live capture of a vampire spawn to pin down the nest and cult behind it.
**** No, your character concept for the next campaign can't be Tacti-Bear, the Battlemaster Bear.
***** Even if your current character's end goal is to make a world where such a thing exists viable.
***** * If you do go through with it anyways, you will have to live through a constant stream of bear puns, I hope you know that.

******* May not create an unbearable character

* Cannot base my campaign around a Brecht smith inventing the arquebus.
** Even if they should have come up with them by now.
*** Cannot run Birthright at all, I must get a normal 2e setting.

So, I haven't met a group able to deal with the 2e settings I own yet. They are too immature for the ethical dilemmas of Dark Sun, not thinky enough for Planescape, and wouldn't be bothered with the domain management of Birthright. The problem is, I don't actually like Forgotten Realms or Greyhawk, but love these settings to pieces.

[JAL_1138]

******* May not create an unbearable character

* Cannot base my campaign around a Brecht smith inventing the arquebus.
** Even if they should have come up with them by now.
*** Cannot run Birthright at all, I must get a normal 2e setting.

So, I haven't met a group able to deal with the 2e settings I own yet. They are too immature for the ethical dilemmas of Dark Sun, not thinky enough for Planescape, and wouldn't be bothered with the domain management of Birthright. The problem is, I don't actually like Forgotten Realms or Greyhawk, but love these settings to pieces.

1e Greyhawk (e.g., World of Greyhawk box set and a few other books and modules) was pretty good as a sort of nonspecific World O' Adventure. A bit of grit, a bit of shine, a bit of silliness, some good reasonably-detailed locations, and plenty of blank space on the map. And Vecna was just a rumor and a couple of artifacts in the DMG, not a character. It's actually worth a look if your only experience with it is 2e and later.

2e botched it hard, IMO. They tried too hard to grimdark it up, and made Vecna into an an insufferable Villain Sue.

Alternatively, Planescape doesn't need to be all that "thinky"--Sigil is great for noir-ish city adventures and mysteries, for instance. As long as they don't start slaughtering everyone/everything that pings on their Detect Evil and don't f#%& with the Lady of Pain, anyway.


EDIT: I share your dislike of FR, though. There's no blank space, which is bad enough, but it's the names that get to me. They're horrible. Ed Greenwood once tried to write a believable fantasy place-name that actual people might use. He was found two weeks later in his bathrobe wandering the Mojave Desert with a can of spraypaint doubling-up consonants, adding random apostrophes, and squeezing the word/prefix "moon" anywhere he could on the roadsigns.

[Arkhosia]

*Never may I start a sentence with "My legend began in the 12th century"

[illyahr]

*Never may I start a sentence with "My legend began in the 12th century"

**FOOL!!

[FlumphPaladin]

* May not make it onto the first page of the new thread.

He was found two weeks later in his bathrobe wandering the Mojave Desert with a can of spraypaint doubling-up consonants, adding random apostrophes, and squeezing the word/prefix "moon" anywhere he could on the roadsigns.

* My character does not call this a typical weekend.

[DigoDragon]

* I am no longer allowed to write my backstory in second-person "Chose your own adventure" style.

[Anonymouswizard]

1e Greyhawk (e.g., World of Greyhawk box set and a few other books and modules) was pretty good as a sort of nonspecific World O' Adventure. A bit of grit, a bit of shine, a bit of silliness, some good reasonably-detailed locations, and plenty of blank space on the map. And Vecna was just a rumor and a couple of artifacts in the DMG, not a character. It's actually worth a look if your only experience with it is 2e and later.

2e botched it hard, IMO. They tried too hard to grimdark it up, and made Vecna into an an insufferable Villain Sue.

Alternatively, Planescape doesn't need to be all that "thinky"--Sigil is great for noir-ish city adventures and mysteries, for instance. As long as they don't start slaughtering everyone/everything that pings on their Detect Evil and don't f#%& with the Lady of Pain, anyway.

I'm currently pondering between just going with Dark Sun anyway, going with a non-sigil Planescape game, or a non-regent Birthright game. It's a hard choice, but I'm leaning towards the last, and I'll allow a clever PC to invent firearms, the world really should have them.

EDIT: I share your dislike of FR, though. There's no blank space, which is bad enough, but it's the names that get to me. They're horrible. Ed Greenwood once tried to write a believable fantasy place-name that actual people might use. He was found two weeks later in his bathrobe wandering the Mojave Desert with a can of spraypaint doubling-up consonants, adding random apostrophes, and squeezing the word/prefix "moon" anywhere he could on the roadsigns.

My main problem is that, if I want to run a game in Moo'nggar'rdde'nn (prounced moangarnet? I'm not sure) I have to read through a small mountain of lore to find all the Elminsters in the setting and work out why they don't teleport over and bonk the bad guys on the head. But yeah, I do hate the names.

[Khaiel]

My main problem is that, if I want to run a game in Moo'nggar'rdde'nn (prounced moangarnet? I'm not sure) I have to read through a small mountain of lore to find all the Elminsters in the setting and work out why they don't teleport over and bonk the bad guys on the head. But yeah, I do hate the names.

They are too busy talking to random adventurers and telling them that they know about them and their future in extremely cryptic ways.

* The Order of Yehudah is not the Team Rocket expy of Anima Beyond Fantasy, and I shouldn't say otherwise.
** Singing "Double Trouble" whenever a member of the Order of Yehudah appears is bad manners.
*** If my gf and I make characters from said order, they cannot be summoners that share a cat-like talking familiar.

* Red Theurgia's activation code is not "IN THE NAME OF LOVE AND JUSTICE, GO GO WISSEN RANGERS!"
** There is no such thing as a "Black Theurgia", "Pink Theurgia" or "Blue Theurgia".
*** It is somehow my fault that the GM didn't know that the Wissen Rangers were an actual thing in the setting, and I should feel bad for not telling him before.

[Madbox]

*I may not bribe other players or the DM with baked goods. It is too effective, and apparently several of them now need to lose weight.

[Anonymouswizard]

They are too busy talking to random adventurers and telling them that they know about them and their future in extremely cryptic ways.

Eh, in Dark Sun they neatly solve it by first having the only extremely powerful characters be the Sorcerer Kings, who really would like to wipe out threats but can't risk moving from their cities, and anyway the villains of you campaign are rarely going to be threats to them. Then they say 'but if you work really hard at it, you could possibly become the Eliminster-type character'.

In Planescape the multiverse is literally infinite. Even if there is a powerful character willing to help, they are likely needed to stand against an even bigger threat. If you can even find them (I have even Sigil as being literally infinite in volume, it's just most of the time you won't get to see any of that infinity).

In Birthright those characters don't exist. There might be people with a lot of personal power, but they have obligations which means they can't just run off and help you, if they are at a high enough level to help.

As it is, I'm probably going to end up running Birthright with the PCs as heirs to provinces, but not actually regents. They will being the campaign adventuring, then move onto leading armies, and then finally run domains. Or I'll run Dark Sun, because it'll have a very different atmosphere to what I normally get to play/run.

[Clistenes]

My main problem is that, if I want to run a game in Moo'nggar'rdde'nn (prounced moangarnet? I'm not sure) I have to read through a small mountain of lore to find all the Elminsters in the setting and work out why they don't teleport over and bonk the bad guys on the head. But yeah, I do hate the names.

Canon answer: Mynstra doesn't allow his Chosen or his Chosen's pet Harpers to defeat the baddies, only to keep them from winning. Mynstra WANTS wizards and sorcerers to fight each other because that encourages them to become more powerful, develop new spells, craft magical items and train minions, hence making magic stronger in Faerun...so she won't allow her faithful to destroy the Zhentarim, Red Mages, Cult of the Dragon...etc., because those are the main causes of conflict, and conflict is good for the growth of magic.

Yes, it sucks.

[GrayGriffin]

* Not allowed to make jokes about my character's girlfriend wearing a cool scarf...and nothing else.
** Not allowed to make jokes about my (female) scientist character getting "enhancements" when I mention her getting cyborg parts

[Anonymouswizard]

* If my character concept is a 'holy halberdier', I should have at least one spellcasting class.
** I may not be a half-orc fighter with the acolyte background.
*** Even if my faith doesn't worship an actual existing deity.
**** I'm level 1 and a half-orc, so I don't have Polearm Master, so can I please switch to a better weapon, like a greatsword?
***** My backup weapon cannot be 'another halberd'. okay, so I have a halberd and a longsword at this point, but I'm thinking switching the sword for a second halberd just for lulz
****** The tough, dependable, faithful half-orc fighter should not have a commoner's dress as her everyday outfit.

* Not allowed to use historically accurate undergarments.
** Especially if it causes my character to not like flight spells.

[Taet]

* Not allowed to make jokes about my character's girlfriend wearing a cool scarf...and nothing else.
** Not allowed to make jokes about my (female) scientist character getting "enhancements" when I mention her getting cyborg parts

***Not allowed to complain when my (male) character gets the same treatment.

*I am NOT Squadron Commander, Lord Flashheart.

**No longer allowed to quote Rik Mayall in any other role either.

[Madbox]

*Our party is not allowed to defeat the BBEG with nothing but basic attacks and level 1 spells.
**Tasha's Hideous Laughter is now banned
***Grease is now banned
****You know what? All enemies automatically save vs level 1 spells

[goto124]

* Not allowed to have a spell of Blame.
** Not allowed to ask the forums for ideas on what a spell of Blame does.

* Not allowed to make jokes about my character's girlfriend wearing a cool scarf...and nothing else.
** Not allowed to make jokes about my (female) scientist character getting "enhancements" when I mention her getting cyborg parts

**** Must not ask if they're all FIM ponies.

[Rater202]

I can not base any of my characters off of the Mythbusters.

[Anti-Eagle]

* Cannot start with gasoline.
** Cannot buy, steal, or make gasoline.
*** Cannot touch anything oil based.
**** Cannot play Alchemists.

[FlumphPaladin]

***Grease is now banned

****Cannot research a spell that makes grease do electrical damage to anyone who fails the save.
*****The verbal component for this is not "systematic, hydromatic, ultramatic."

* Cannot start with gasoline.
** Cannot buy, steal, or make gasoline.
*** Cannot touch anything oil based.
**** Cannot play Alchemists.

*My gnome can use a matchlock.
**Flintlocks are okay too, because he's a gnome.
***Percussion caps are out.
****Even if he's an Alchemist.
*****Even if this is a multiverse mashup game and they had percussion caps in his home plane.
******Even if I've done all the IRL research on ingredients and reactions so he can make more when he runs out.
*******What's the NSA doing at the door?

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot refluff my rogue's hand crossbow as a flintlock pistol.
** Even if it makes sense alongside her rapier.
*** Cannot point out how her face skills help her as an assassin more than her proficiency in stealth does.
**** Cannot keep the fact that she's actually on good terms with her family a secret.

* The silly hat does not go with the ballgown.
** Cannot get into silly-hat contests with every bard I meet.
*** My adventuring profits must go on more than an extensive silly-hat and ballgown collection.
**** Instead of buying silly hats, maybe I could get suitable shoes?

[JAL_1138]

* Cannot refluff my rogue's hand crossbow as a flintlock pistol.
** Even if it makes sense alongside her rapier.

***Especially if reloading time is at issue.

* The silly hat does not go with the ballgown.

Depends on the hat. Some particularly-silly ones are meant to go with fancy gowns and dresses, whether in the Medieval period, the Renaissance, or modern times. Just watch the Kentucky Derby sometime; silly hats are a longstanding, time-honored tradition for women spectators.

** Cannot get into silly-hat contests with every bard I meet.

Then what's the point of playing a bard?!

[Wookieetank]

Depends on the hat. Some particularly-silly ones are meant to go with fancy gowns and dresses, whether in the Medieval period, the Renaissance, or modern times. Just watch the Kentucky Derby sometime; silly hats are a longstanding, time-honored tradition for women spectators.

Or the hats at the most recent wedding of English Royalty

*Not allowed to use any real world examples for why I am wearing my silliest hats at court.