1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (For Fun)

[8BitNinja]

I will not kid you, I was once in a game where you could buy a Grimoire of True Names featuring lots of demon names to use to control them. Or you could by a kindle of true names, which included everything the Grimoire did, gave you any other e-books you wanted for free (including reference books for academic skills), received periodic updates, and was half the price. The party ended up with three of the latter at character creation, including one owned by the poor Nun.

What I'm truly surprised about is that a nun owns a book about summoning demons

[SethoMarkus]

Boots of Irresistable Dance - Causes the wearer's dancing to be irresistible. Wearer may use Perform: Dance in place of a Diplomacy check once per day.

[Anonymouswizard]

What I'm truly surprised about is that a nun owns a book about summoning demons

Oh no, I was the only one with demon summoning books (I was a kook trying to become a priest, with a bad reputation among the clergy). We were part of a demon hunting investigative squad, so the book was used for research and helping to keep demons still while we banished them. It was sanctioned and updated by the church as an aid.

Out of interest, we came across many demon summoning for dummies books during the game. Including once where we accidentally gave them to the police and I snuck one out so our superior could have a look.

[8BitNinja]

400) Sword of Greyskull: Once a day, the user may hold the sword over their head and yell "by the power of Greyskull, I have power" and have their clothes turn into spandex

[ImNotTrevor]

400) Sword of Greyskull: Once a day, the user may hold the sword over their head and yell "by the power of Greyskull, I have power" and have their clothes turn into spandex

401: Sword of Gayskull
As Sword of Greyskull, but the spandex has sequins and is rainbow-colored.

402: Sword of Bayskull
As Sword of Greyskull, but when held overhead it causes a series of really impressive explosions to occur nearby.

403: Sword of Grayskull
As Sword of Greyskull, but uses American spelling.

404: Sword of Flambéskull
As Sword of Greyskull, but the spandex is on fire and delicious.

[8BitNinja]

401: Sword of Gayskull
As Sword of Greyskull, but the spandex has sequins and is rainbow-colored.

402: Sword of Bayskull
As Sword of Greyskull, but when held overhead it causes a series of really impressive explosions to occur nearby.

403: Sword of Grayskull
As Sword of Greyskull, but uses American spelling.

404: Sword of Flambéskull
As Sword of Greyskull, but the spandex is on fire and delicious.

405) Sword of Clayskull: As Sword of Greyskull, but the spandex is clay

[goto124]

406) Sword of Skull: As Sword of Greyskull, but the spandex is nothing but skulls and more skulls.

[JoeJ]

407) Dancing sword. When the command word is spoken, the sword grows feet and starts tap dancing.

[Mister Tom]

408. Plus fours daggers. No combat bonuses, but they do magically conceal themselves in any form of golfing trouser.

This may seem like a useful pair of magical hidden weapons, Until you forget they are there and sit down.

Also we seem to be missing items 379 through 399....

[ImNotTrevor]

408. Plus fours daggers. No combat bonuses, but they do magically conceal themselves in any form of golfing trouser.

This may seem like a useful pair of magical hidden weapons, Until you forget they are there and sit down.

Also we seem to be missing items 379 through 399....

409. Decanter of Endless Cleaner
Keeps your kitchen spotless. FOREVER!

410: Enchanted Gobblin' Goblin
We don't know what he does, but he ate items 379-399 so it will probably be explosive. Please don't tap the glass.

[Thisguy_]

411: Manual of manual-writing. When read, grants knowledge on the creation of Manuals of manual-writing, then degrades into dust. One author may have only one Manual of manual-writing active at once, and writing another while a previous manual is active causes the new manual to immediately degrade into dust.

[8BitNinja]

412) Greeting Card of Lenin: Appears to be a normal Mother's Day greeting card, until the switch that comes with it is activated, and it starts leading constructs in making a communist government

A +5 High Five to anyone who gets the reference

413) Post 379 to 399: Acts like a normal post, but is invisisble

[ReaderAt2046]

I think you mean:

413: Pumpkin of Spontaneous Ontological Failure: What pumpkin?

Anyway,

414: Orb of Awesomeness: Makes all your actions 20% more awesome. This doesn't provide any mechanical benefit, just extra coolness.

415: Amulet of Imposter Detection: Glows if within 20 ft of someone who is pretending to be someone else. Unfortunately, roleplaying qualifies as "pretending to be someone else".

416: Scrub's Flour: When brought into contact with exceptionally cheesy characters, explodes violently for 1d6 damage per handful per level of the cheesy character. One handful fills a 5 ft cube when tossed into the air.

417: Helmet of Curse Protection: When worn, automatically censors out profanity before it can reach your ears.

[ImNotTrevor]

418: The Guns of Wu:
Whenever you roll a critical with these pistols, a flock of doves flies by behind you regardless of location or unlikelihood.

419: Helm of Farsight
Makes you farsighted.

420: Ganja's Gauntlets
Like, increases the damage deal by blunt weapons, dude. Hehehehehehe.

[Mister Tom]

421. Wind of Washing.

Wand has 3+2d12 charges and is activated by gentle wafting motion. May only be used in combat and must be cast at clothed enemy creature. Use of the wand bestows a choice* of pleasing* scent on the target* that lasts all day*. The wand's effects do not have a saving throw and can only be dispelled by Greater Dispel Magic or limited wish.

*Outcome is dependant on dice rolls, although DMs are encouraged to use the same roll for each outcome

Scent roll (d12) Scent released
1-3 Citrus burst
4-5 Soothing Lavender
6-7. Sensual Ylang**
8-9. Pine Glade
10 Winter Jasmine
11 Mint Zinger
12. Fermenting Skunk Offal
Guaranteed at least 50% Ylang Ylang

Target roll (d12) creature(s) affected
1-8. Target Monster
9-11. Caster
12. d4 random caster allies

Duration roll (d12) duration
1-8. That number of rounds
9-11. Until sundown
12 Permanent.

[Mister Tom]

422. Weathervane of contrariness

Its Eldrich power causes it to point away from the prevailing wind direction.

[ThinkMinty]

422. Weathervane of contrariness

Its Eldrich power causes it to point away from the prevailing wind direction.

So it's still a useful weathervane?

[Mister Tom]

So it's still a useful weathervane?

J
In the same way that The orb of detect slopes can be used to detect slopes, yes. However, unlike the orb, you can't use it in an improvised game of boules.

[8BitNinja]

423) Scroll of Unseen Assassin: When the scroll is read, an unseen servant will appear and kill you and anyone within a 1 mile radius of you

[goto124]

an unseen servant will appear

That's not an unseen servant then!

[ThinkMinty]

423) Scroll of Unseen Assassin: When the scroll is read, an unseen servant will appear and kill you and anyone within a 1 mile radius of you

Throw a peon who can activate the scroll into an enemy compound?

[goto124]

GM: Your alignment is now Evil

(())

[ThinkMinty]

GM: Your alignment is now Evil

Is it the sacrifice of the peon, or the use on enemies that makes it evil? If it's not the latter, is there a way to activate a scroll with a delay? Would be fun to throw triggered scrolls like grenades.

[goto124]

Wouldn't it be more evil to use it to kill your allies, though?

424) Helm of Forget It: If a character has performed an action that opposes their alignment in the last 48 hours, the character can wear this helmet to erase all memories of said action.

[Lacco]

Possible 425. Did anyone mention the Disarming Dagger? Whenever you attack someone while wielding it, you automatically disarm yourself (either you lose the second weapon you have, or you lose the dagger itself).

Possible 426. ...or Blade of Hiding? Whenever you want to draw it, you find out it has sneaked out and is hidden somewhere.

Possible 427. ...Rapier of Witty Insults? It is a cursed item, that inflicts a huge penalty on your attacks as it dodges the defender, but it will continuously insult your fighting style.

[Mister Tom]

428. Wand of limited fish.

[8BitNinja]

429) Belt of Truth: the wearer always tells the truth, and they expose all their secrets, The belt must be put on willingly for the effect to work

430) Shield of the Leprechaun: A small shield only big enough for a Leprechaun to wield, shield is made of bits of green clothing and doesn't work well for a shield

431) Flute of Summoning: Playing the flute summons the maker to you. This would be useful, but I am the one who made it

432) Ocarina of the Red Mercenary: Upon playing the Ocarina, the TF2 RED mercenaries will be called to you and will kill you

433) Lute of Boredom: Playing this lute will make you very bored

434)Banjo of Banjo: The Banjo of the puppet god, doesn't do anything because it is held by a puppet, but it's still magical

[Mister Tom]

431) Flute of Summoning: Playing the flute summons the maker to you. This would be useful, but I am the one who made it

432) Ocarina of the Red Mercenary: Upon playing the Ocarina, the TF2 RED mercenaries will be called to you and will kill

Reminiscent of the green clarinet of embarrassing truths...
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=e7aaw4g2tJo

435) +3 chain mail: upon reading this letter the recipient must make their will save otherwise they feel compelled to make three copies of the letter and give them to other party members, plot critical NPCs or wandering monsters. Do not break the chain. One adventurer broke the chain and 94 turns later was killed by a soldier ant while hallucinating. DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN.

[Mister Tom]

436 wand of circular negation: 2d4 charges. Can be used to negate the effects of another wand of circular negation. CANNOT be used to negate its own effects.

[Anonymouswizard]

428. Wand of limited fish.

Works perfectly with the Staff of Potato Products.