Magic the Gathering XXII: Where Puns Go to Die

[Fable Wright]

Two strong good guys turned evil... great.
Speaking of which, whatever happened to the theory that Nahiri and Avacyn were one and the same? Was it just shut down by Wizards?

That theory was shaky to begin with for a number of reasons, notably a series of reactions (or lack thereof) on Sorin's part that made the claim not fit with the evidence. It was completely jossed when we got cards for both of them this set.

Anywho. On the subject of theories, I've been thinking a bit, and I've got an Eldritch Moon/Innistrad's Past theory that I think may be plausible:

Spoiler: Rampant Speculation

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Back in time, far before Avacyn before even Edgar Markov, Innistrad was, believe it or not, a far more hostile place. Back in the days before Avacyn, the Angels struggled to defend humanity. But defend humanity from what? Vampires did not exist back then. Demons were bad, but evidently manageable, given that the unnamed W/B Archangel was willing to pact with them. But again, what did the Angels need the help do deal with? Skabaren and Ghoulcallers tend to be rather squishy, and it takes but one Angel to deal with them.

I propose that the creatures so terrible that Angels could not deal with them, and were willing to side with witches and demons to deal with, were the Horrors we see peeking out in Shadows over Innistrad. Creatures such as the Awoken Horror and Gitrog Monster, creatures that presently sleep deep underwater. Creatures that Nahiri is awakening through the Drownyard.

I also propose that these horrors are the primordial reason behind Innistrad's current gothic themes. Skabaren created creatures from their dead fellows that could stand against the Horrors' magic. (Hence the horror typing on a lot of zombies, and how they dodge Awoken Horror's bounce.) While Skabaren were successful, they couldn't make enough; thus, the tradition of the ghoulcaller was founded. Over time, the horrors were driven into the deep places of the world, albeit at cost of a famine that eventually led Edgar Markov to his infamous discovery. Only the oldest vampires remember them; the heads of the Stromkirk line, for instance, who revere them in their absence.

When the horrors were driven back, however, the Skabaren and Ghoulcallers didn't want to abandon their art. Thus led to them becoming ostracized by the community, becoming the monsters themselves. This would also explain why Angels tend to leave Ghoulcallers and Skabaren alone; they remember why they came to be in the first place. It also explains the massive rise in Horror typing in Shadows as compared to original Innistrad, preparing for future tribal themes when the horrors resurface in Eldritch Moon.

Thoughts?

[Duck999]

Response to rampant speculation:
Interesting theory. Basically what I'm getting from it is that the old monsters were horrors, and now previous horror "worshippers "have become horrors themselves. So is Avacyn the one who drove back the horrors? What motive does Nahiri have for bringing back horrors?

[Landis963]

Response to rampant speculation:
Interesting theory. Basically what I'm getting from it is that the old monsters were horrors, and now previous horror "worshippers "have become horrors themselves. So is Avacyn the one who drove back the horrors? What motive does Nahiri have for bringing back horrors?

Nahiri is all "BLARG MAKE SORIN PAY", which feels like motivation enough. And Avacyn being the one to drive back the horrors makes sense given her stated role as a comeback mechanic for humans. Maybe the enchantments involved in her creation are starting to fail or something though, because while she's getting stronger on schedule, she shouldn't be turning that strength on the humans.

[Fable Wright]

Response to rampant speculation:
Interesting theory. Basically what I'm getting from it is that the old monsters were horrors, and now previous horror "worshippers "have become horrors themselves. So is Avacyn the one who drove back the horrors? What motive does Nahiri have for bringing back horrors?

The worshippers aren't becoming the horrors. They're just waking them up.

Nahiri is all "BLARG MAKE SORIN PAY", which feels like motivation enough. And Avacyn being the one to drive back the horrors makes sense given her stated role as a comeback mechanic for humans. Maybe the enchantments involved in her creation are starting to fail or something though, because while she's getting stronger on schedule, she shouldn't be turning that strength on the humans.

Correct on all counts, but it's all but confirmed that the Cryptoliths are altering the mana of Innistrad to mess with Avacyn's head, which in turn disrupted the Cursemute. There may be another enchantment Avacyn is supplying to suppress the horrors, but I've no evidence to cite for that.

[Ninjaman]

Spoiler: Stuff is going on on Innistrad

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I am totally rooting for a Marit Large reveal.

[Bucky]

So I'm constructing a cube that's just terrible cards. Making some progress, but the line that divides 'playable at a stretch' and 'awful in its every single aspect' can be a bit blurred at times. I need suggestions for the latter. I'm looking for the Sorrow's Paths, Viashino Skeletons and Mindless Nulls of the world.

Bear in mind we have a surplus of cards that are terrible for being too expensive for what they do. If you guys can suggest some completely ineffectual low mana cards like Defensive Stance or Filthy Cur, or something.

Hmm...

Lands:

Spoiler

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These are tricky because they need to be terrible but still playable sometimes over basic lands.

Aysen Abbey cycle (This cube has splashable cards? These are nominally fixing)
Bant Panorama cycle (if you want to support bad Domain cards)
Contested War Zone
Dakmor Salvage
Encroaching Wastes
Glimmervoid (This is a carrot; it baits people into drafting unplayable artifacts and untenable splash cards. It's only good if you've gone out of your way to make the rest of the deck terrible.)
Madblind Mountain (combos with Moonring Island. But generally useless)
Moonring Island (combos with Madblind Mountain. But generally useless)
Primal Beyond (marginal; include it if you only have strong elemental presence in two colors)
Rainbow Vale (combos with nonbasic hate)

But if you don't mind them not being playable over basics you have some other options:

Adventurers' Guildhouse cycle
Boseiju, Who Shelters All
Cloudpost
Eye of Ugin
Maze's End (If you do this, I'd put 1-2 Gates in the cube. Probably exactly one.)

White

Spoiler

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Nothing clever here yet
Creatures:

Abbey Matron
Alabaster Leech
Arctic Foxes (odd land hate is a proposed theme, but mostly in other colors)
Aysen Highway (It turns all your creatures into Plainswalkers! That's crazy... oh wait.)
Energy Storm
Squire (classic)

Healing Salve (classic) or Shieldmate's Blessing (updated)
Worthy Cause

Blue

Spoiler

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Archmage Ascension
Amoeboid Changeling (Not powerful, but has fun interactions. He's a glue card for your inherently underpowered minor tribes)
Aven Envoy
Balduvian Conjurer (for whom you might want to include some snow lands)
Index
Political Trickery or Shifting Borders (supporting the nonbasic theme)
Reality Twist
Skill Borrower (copying what?)
Vedalkin Plotter (supporting the nonbasic theme)
Wizened Snitches

Black

Spoiler

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I'm going with a 'I hate my teammates' theme with the creature base, which is not only mostly inefficient but also has strong anti-synergy with itself.

Accursed Centaur
Brain Gorgers (actually a 4 mana edict)
Lord of the Pit
Minion of Leshrac
Painwracker Oni
Sleeper Agent (hates you back)

And an 'I hate my minions' theme with the spells:

Altar's Reap (Draw two and do what with them? They suck too.)
Kaervek's Spite
Oni Possession
Phyrexian Tribute
Skulltap (alter's reap #2)
Strongarm Tactics
Tendrils of Despair
Vampirism

Red

Spoiler

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The theme here is "there's no way to get enough of these to actually kill someone with"

Arc Runner
Ball Lightning
Crazed Goblin
Hellspark Elemental
Spark Elemental

And the dudes who don't stick around to attack

Goblin Pyromancer (watch the tribal; you want a few other goblins in the cube to make it just barely useful if you draft all of them)
Norin the Wary
Lavacore Elemental

Red gets an unnecessary nonbasic land hate theme.

Crumble to Dust or Sowing Salt
Detritivore
Fissure Vent (...or an overpriced Shatter)
From the Ashes (...use with your own nonbasics for fixing)
Mercadia's Downfall (becomes good if the opponent has 2+ basic lands in play)
Ore Gorger (...and an overpriced creature)
Price of Progress
Weight of Spires

And some random spells:

Bloodshed Fever (what passes for removal in this format)
Burning Inquiry
Instill Furor (alternate version of Bloodshed Fever)
Collateral Damage
Pyromancer Ascension

Green

Spoiler

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I don't have anything clever here yet, so I'm supporting off-color themes

Feast of Worms (nonbasic hate)
Quest for the Gemblades
Skyshroud War Beast (nonbasic hate)
Sophic Centaur (the self-anti-synergy is delicious)
Tempting Wurm

[/spoiler]
Artifact :

Spoiler

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Leveller (too bad to include?)
Phyrexian Dreadnaught
Phyrexian Soulgorger
Soldevi Sentry

Celestial Prism and/or Standing Stones
Dragon's Claw cycle or Throne of Bone cycle
Soldevi Digger (pretty good endgame plan if you manage to mill yourself out, useless before then)
Spellbook
Spirit Shield or Spidersilk Net

[Ninjaman]

Hmm...

Lands:

Spoiler

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These are tricky because they need to be terrible but still playable sometimes over basic lands.

But if you don't mind them not being playable over basics you have some other options:

White

Spoiler

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Nothing clever here yet
Creatures:

Blue

Spoiler

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Archmage Ascension
Amoeboid Changeling (Not powerful, but has fun interactions. He's a glue card for your inherently underpowered minor tribes)
Aven Envoy
Balduvian Conjurer (for whom you might want to include some snow lands)
Index
Political Trickery or Shifting Borders (supporting the nonbasic theme)
Reality Twist
Skill Borrower (copying what?)
Vedalkin Plotter (supporting the nonbasic theme)
Wizened Snitches

Black

Spoiler

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I'm going with a 'I hate my teammates' theme with the creature base, which is not only mostly inefficient but also has strong anti-synergy with itself.


And an 'I hate my minions' theme with the spells:

Red

Spoiler

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The theme here is "there's no way to get enough of these to actually kill someone with"


And the dudes who don't stick around to attack



Red gets an unnecessary nonbasic land hate theme.



And some random spells:

Green

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I don't have anything clever here yet, so I'm supporting off-color themes

[/spoiler]
Artifact :

Spoiler

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I see you fall into a quite common trap of taking cards that are normally good (or at least better than awful), but bad in this cube. That is the exact opposite of what you want to do, you want to have awful cards that are actually useful in the cube.

[DJ Yung Crunk]

I see you fall into a quite common trap of taking cards that are normally good (or at least better than awful), but bad in this cube. That is the exact opposite of what you want to do, you want to have awful cards that are actually useful in the cube.

This. Not that I don't appreciate the effort. The idea is that, in this new context, Accursed Centaur becomes a snap keep.

[Dhavaer]

Does anyone know why Might of Old Krosa is so expensive? I recently traded away one on Pucatrade for 879 points. Googling shows it's played in Modern Infect, but it doesn't seem like a particularly rare effect - Monastery Swiftspear, for comparison, is only 387 points.

[Shadow of the Sun]

Does anyone know why Might of Old Krosa is so expensive? I recently traded away one on Pucatrade for 879 points. Googling shows it's played in Modern Infect, but it doesn't seem like a particularly rare effect - Monastery Swiftspear, for comparison, is only 387 points.

It's an uncommon, it's one of the few one mana +4/+4 pumps, and it was only ever printed in a single set. All of those are going to make it a card that's high demand for players, competitive or not.

[Fable Wright]

Does anyone know why Might of Old Krosa is so expensive? I recently traded away one on Pucatrade for 879 points. Googling shows it's played in Modern Infect, but it doesn't seem like a particularly rare effect - Monastery Swiftspear, for comparison, is only 387 points.

Time Spiral: Very little opened, fairly old.
Khans of Tarkir: Very much opened, fairly recent.

An uncommon critical to the functioning in a deck that was only printed once, nearly a decade ago, at the low point of Magic sales, is logically going to cost more than an uncommon printed a year or two ago in a highly opened set. Also bear in mind that Infect is one of the cheapest decks in modern and a lot of people want to enter that format; Infect has a disproportionately high demand among casual players compared to its tournament success rate.

[ryuplaneswalker]

So I'm constructing a cube that's just terrible cards. Making some progress, but the line that divides 'playable at a stretch' and 'awful in its every single aspect' can be a bit blurred at times. I need suggestions for the latter. I'm looking for the Sorrow's Paths, Viashino Skeletons and Mindless Nulls of the world.

Bear in mind we have a surplus of cards that are terrible for being too expensive for what they do. If you guys can suggest some completely ineffectual low mana cards like Defensive Stance or Filthy Cur, or something.

I feel the need to bring up Chimney Imp simply because it is Chimney Imp.

[Bucky]

This. Not that I don't appreciate the effort. The idea is that, in this new context, Accursed Centaur becomes a snap keep.

In that case, may I interest you in this subset:

Amoeboid Changeling (wildcard tribal is relevant)
Vedalken Plotter and friends (supporting a light nonbasic hate theme)
The mana fixing (the bad trilands and panoramas)
Madblind Mountain+Moonring Island with dedicated fixers (Grixis Panorama and possibly Shard Convergence)
The black self-sacrifice theme (on the theory that they convert terrible creatures into some other form of value).
Some inefficient token makers (e.g. Myr Propagator) to actually support the self-sacrifice theme.

---EDIT---
I've come up with theme suggestions for all five colors.

Main color - Theme - Why bad cards with this theme are better here - why it's good for the cube
White - Buff auras - In the absence of decent instant removal, they are much safer - Enables weaker aura synergy spells like Aura Finesse and some generally insignificant creatures.
Blue - Donate - Worst case, you got rid of a bad card for some better purpose - Conversely, donates can be used to negate drawbacks (e.g. Islandhome) or turn on hate.
Black - creature sacrifice and self-discard - The cards you discard or sacrifice are worse than normal - Lets black based decks have a greater tolerance for situational effects.
Red - Low curve with drawbacks - Early drops take longer to be outclassed - Enables white and black themes
Green - Ramp - cube has many overpriced effects, including even bad ramp makes them more reasonable - conversely, having ramp makes the high drops more playable. The implied fixing also feeds Domain/Sunburst/Converge.

[Ninjaman]

@Bucky most of the cards you suggested are way too good to be in this cube, with terrible cards we really do mean terrible cards.
Also with a crap cube I don't think synergy is something you pay much attention to during cube building as much as something that just sort of happens afterwards, maybe.

[dragonsamurai77]

2 days old now, but possible Emrakul hint.

TLDR:

Spoiler

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The flavor text for Tamiyo's Journal has a different entry number in every language. There is a pattern, consistent in every language, using that number and the flavor text of the different Clue tokens, to spell out a message. Using the same pattern leads to the same message in every language: "Remember this, they came as three", a shortened version of what Ugin told Jace in BFZ.

[DJ Yung Crunk]

In that case, may I interest you in this subset:

-snip-

I like that you're getting into it. The only issue is that card synergy is fairly incompatible with the tone of the cube. Thanks, though.

[Tesla_pasta]

2 days old now, but possible Emrakul hint.

TLDR:

Spoiler

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The flavor text for Tamiyo's Journal has a different entry number in every language. There is a pattern, consistent in every language, using that number and the flavor text of the different Clue tokens, to spell out a message. Using the same pattern leads to the same message in every language: "Remember this, they came as three", a shortened version of what Ugin told Jace in BFZ.

This makes me kinda sad. I LOVE this sort of hinting and such, but I really don't want Emrakul to be the villain for Innistrad.

[DJ Yung Crunk]

I didn't think people legitimately cared about the MtG plotline. For me it's just "the thing at the bottom of the text box that I ignore"

[Ionbound]

People definitely do. We're called 'Vorthos', in the same way that other people are 'Spike' or 'Johnny'.

[Svata]

I didn't think people legitimately cared about the MtG plotline. For me it's just "the thing at the bottom of the text box that I ignore"

Everybody hide! It's the Gleemax!

[Narkis]

This makes me kinda sad. I LOVE this sort of hinting and such, but I really don't want Emrakul to be the villain for Innistrad.

After hints like that and with Nahiri's ulti, I'm pretty sure we'll be seeing Emrakul soon

[Fable Wright]

I didn't think people legitimately cared about the MtG plotline. For me it's just "the thing at the bottom of the text box that I ignore"

Yeah. We do. This and Anguished Unmaking make me question why I care, mind you, but there are more fans of the plotline than you think.

Though no one to my knowledge likes the blue tumor known as Jace.

[Ionbound]

I...I like Jace. More now that he's got some actual characterization going on. I think he's over-used and occasionally poorly-written, but I kinda like the fact that most of the time he just kinda...Bumbles about with no real idea of what's actually going on. Most of Zendikar he was trying to figure out what to do, and probably ended up doing the wrong thing, and his involvement in Innistrad so far has been 'almost die twice and get yelled at by Liliana' which I really appreciate.

[Svata]

Yeah. We do. This and Anguished Unmaking make me question why I care, mind you, but there are more fans of the plotline than you think.

Though no one to my knowledge likes the blue tumor known as Jace.

I... don't understand the hate for Anguished Unmaking...

[Fable Wright]

I... don't understand the hate for Anguished Unmaking...

It's a good card and portrays a pivotal story moment. The card itself isn't at fault.

My complaint is with the storyline that led up to that point, and that being its climax. Let's take a look at what the creative team was thinking at the start of the block.

The Angel theme was very popular and the set sold well, but market research showed that players didn't like the world or mechanics as much. [...] If we were going back to Innistrad, it was clear that we wanted to focus more on returning to where the block began than where it ended. A big part of trying to figure out the story had to do with figuring out how to undo some of what had happened in Avacyn Restored.

Okay, so they need to retcon Avacyn Restored out of the picture, but without, you know, actual retcons. So, plenty of ways to go. Maybe angels are dying and no one knows why. Maybe the cursemute is taking too much energy to maintain and begins to fade or have horrific consequences. Maybe, and here's a shocker, we get a slice of Innistrad as it was when Avacyn was first around. Sure, there are Skabaren and Vampires, but Angels are protecting people. Not in the overwhelming resurgence of Avacyn Restored, but kind of a halfway point between that and Innistrad, so you attract both the Angel fans of Avacyn restored and the players who liked Innistrad's more gothic flavor.

Or, you know, we can just have the Angels go crazy and try to kill everyone. Easy way to get them out of the picture, right? No one liked AVR; who'd mind?

Oh, Avacyn? That Angel that we spent two of the most popular Magic sets in recent memory trying to save? Eh, let's just kill her off. She's way too powerful for a good guy. Let's have Sorin do it for the drama, despite the fact that he'd much rather fix her or imprison her until he's devised a cure.

It just reads to me like they were trying to handwave Avacyn Restored out of the picture in the most hamhanded manner they possibly could. Even if they kept this tact, keeping Avacyn around would at least give the hope that things could return to a happy median. Instead, they fall to their standard MO of trashing a plane because they can. Zendikar? Trash it. Mirrodin? We only made it to trash later. Khans of Tarkir? Pff, who had any investment in the interesting dichotomy of the clans' conflicting impulses from their unusual mana ties? Let's turn them into the standard two color caricatures, but with DRAGONS! Innistrad? Oh, nice happy ending you got there. Unfortunately, you're popular, so we can't let that stick around.

I dislike Anguished Unmaking as a symptom of wider writing failure, not for what it is on its own.

[Bucky]

I like that you're getting into it. The only issue is that card synergy is fairly incompatible with the tone of the cube. Thanks, though.

I thought the point was to make players find uses for generally useless cards. In any event, cube drafts are inherently about synergy; it will be there in some form even if you design against it. But the cube will play better if you deliberately include some crappy walls to use Animate Wall on.

[Djinn_in_Tonic]

I thought the point was to make players find uses for generally useless cards. In any event, cube drafts are inherently about synergy; it will be there in some form even if you design against it. But the cube will play better if you deliberately include some crappy walls to use Animate Wall on.

I'd be inclined to agree. Playing with bad cards is fun, but only when you find silly ways to use them. Using Confusion in the Ranks to feed terrible creatures to your opponent? Hilarious. Donating awful creatures or enchantments? Delightful. Animating walls that are usually useless? All of these are fun because there are actually strategies you can use. Bad strategies, but still strategies.

A cube full of awful cards that might work together is fun to theorycraft, and makes for an interesting draft. A cube full of cards so awful that every pick is just "take the least bad card here" doesn't sound fun.

[Tesla_pasta]

It's a good card and portrays a pivotal story moment. The card itself isn't at fault.

-snip-

I dislike Anguished Unmaking as a symptom of wider writing failure, not for what it is on its own.

I totally understand where you're coming from, but I don't feel disappointed by the SoI story as you are. I agree that both BFZ and DoTK were pretty lack-luster, despite having really good set-ups (Especially DoTK... what a waste of a fun setting) but the corruption of Avacyn being used to erase Avacyn Restored actually makes sense to me. When watching scary movies or playing horror games, one of the things I find very effective in creating a scary atmosphere is removing or violating things that make us feel safe. In that sense, I think having Avacyn become a threat rather than a defender is a good way of removing the safety that Innistrad had at the end of the first block.

[Ninjaman]

I thought the point was to make players find uses for generally useless cards. In any event, cube drafts are inherently about synergy; it will be there in some form even if you design against it. But the cube will play better if you deliberately include some crappy walls to use Animate Wall on.

Many of the cards you suggested weren't bad. It is partly about synergy, but synergy the players happen to find when drafting, not synergy you forced into the cube.

I'd be inclined to agree. Playing with bad cards is fun, but only when you find silly ways to use them. Using Confusion in the Ranks to feed terrible creatures to your opponent? Hilarious. Donating awful creatures or enchantments? Delightful. Animating walls that are usually useless? All of these are fun because there are actually strategies you can use. Bad strategies, but still strategies.

A cube full of awful cards that might work together is fun to theorycraft, and makes for an interesting draft. A cube full of cards so awful that every pick is just "take the least bad card here" doesn't sound fun.

First off, playing bad cards is absolutely horrible under all circumstances. Secondly, you too are naming cards that aren't bad.
If you want to make a weird/chaos cube, that's not a half bad idea, but that's not what a crap cube is about.

[Djinn_in_Tonic]

First off, playing bad cards is absolutely horrible under all circumstances. Secondly, you too are naming cards that aren't bad.
If you want to make a weird/chaos cube, that's not a half bad idea, but that's not what a crap cube is about.

I disagree. My Confusion deck rather a few decent cards (CotR and Teferi's Puzzlebox), but everything else was literally AWFUL. And playing them was fun, because then decent cards turned the awful cards into a strange and ridiculous tactic. :-P