101 flavorful and mechanically useless equipment quirks

[Jay R]

A chest containing four balls, each one strapped down.

1. A bright red one about the size of a soccer ball does nothing special, but seems to travel pretty far when thrown or hit.
2 & 3. Two identical jet black balls, slightly smaller than the red one. If released, they will rocket around, trying to knock the PCs down.
4. A bright gold one about the size of a large walnut, which has little fluttering silver wings. It's very hard to catch because it's so fast and difficult to see. The two black balls will not stop moving until this one is caught.

[Bohandas]

Blade of greatsword is engraved with dwarvish runes reading "this end toward enemy"

[TheYell]

An ahlspeiss of Elysian bronze with an ironwood haft.

A round mithril shield with a beast rampant crest. It changes beast with the lunar cycle.

Jade lamellar armor with each tile inscribed with a different ideograph. Exposed to moonlight, the ideographs glow like polished silver.

Full plate armor of cheap leather scraps. When worn, it radiates a uranium-green mist that protects like steel.

A complete set of living steel panware

A wok

An iron helm in the shape of a camel's head

A batik patterned neck cloth with symbols denoting virility and masculinity

A bottle of orc musk cologne

Human leather boots

An orc tusk carved into a demon

A clay whistle in the shape of a goblin's head

Eight ornate mithril sporks in a matching pattern

A wooden bowl and spoon with a charioteer logo carved on them

A lidded ceramic jug with the word "Sugar" in Abyssal

A drum made of elf-skin

An ornate gold ring with the emblem of a secret society

A coffee set of cold iron wrought in an alien and unearthly geometry

A leather helm with faceted "bug eye" goggles

A toy sword

A plush hobgoblin

Ironwood chopsticks in a lacquer case

A bronze comb

Plans for a quadruple watermill stamped "TOP SECRET" in Undercommon

An opaque ball with a floating d20 in it, roll to read the number that floats to the top

A conch shell that shouts "Walkers Got It Coming" in Aklo when you blow on it.

[Kami2awa]

The weapon really does go "tzing!!!" when drawn.

[Lvl 2 Expert]

Gives +2 to the cooking skill when used to chop the vegetables.

Good roleplayers will be thorn trying to ditch the weapon as better options become available, because they know how much their characters like it.

In a similar vein:

Can be used as a dowsing rod to find cute little forest animals.

Gives the cleanest shave, no 5 o'clock shadow until at least 5 o'clock the next day.

Is really good with kids. (Nope, no idea how that one works.)

Let's anyone use the craft (brewing) skill as if trained at 1 skill rank.

[Rockphed]

Gives +2 to the cooking skill when used to chop the vegetables.

Good roleplayers will be thorn trying to ditch the weapon as better options become available, because they know how much their characters like it.

On a dagger or small sword, this could be fun and interesting. But on a mace it would be just hilarious.

[goto124]

It's a +1 Mace of The Messiest Fruit Juicing Ever.

[N810]

+2 maul of melon smashing ?

[hymer]

Good roleplayers will be thorn trying to ditch the weapon as better options become available, because they know how much their characters like it.

Just because you find a knife that cuts bread better doesn't mean you throw out your best filet knife.

[goto124]

Note that it gives cooking skill only when cutting vegetables.

Does a tomato count as a fruit or vegetable? Considering the context, probably vegetable, but heh...

[Thisguy_]

This dark violet blade feels slick to the touch and is always a little cold. This is even true of the hilt, which, upon visual inspection, appears to be wrapped in cloth.

This weapon also works as a tuning fork, despite being entirely the wrong shape for it. If you bang it on a rock or other hard enough surface, it yields a specific tone.

This weapon whistles when swung, usually twice, loudly and in quick succession, as if trying to call attention to itself.

This weapon, for all intents and purposes, looks like it used to be a toy (although it is now very clearly dangerous).

This suit of armor, while not in any other way inferior to others of its ilk, looks simply unimposing.

This weapon is difficult to draw from its scabbard. Although this makes no difference when your life is on the line, unless you're pulling fairly hard, it's bound to give you trouble.

[Spore]

This item seems to be able to attract any and all woodlands creatures, birds and other pleasant critters. None of these are actually able to understand you nor does the necklace enhance their intelligence in any way. The selection of the critters is random and at your DM's discretion. None of these are harmful or would attack you. It's just weird that it does.

[SomeNerd]

This sword has a living eye built into the crossguard.

This weapon seems to be made of crystallized honey. Licking it produces a honey flavor, but does not deplete the weapon or provide nutrition.

A set of "metal" armor that is actually made with plates of extremely thick leather stapled together by poor quality iron rings. Otherwise identical to its metallic counterpart.

A dagger or short-sword made form an extremely large fang (DC 20 Knowledge: History tells you its a dinosaur fang, DC 20 Knowledge: Religion tells you that the dinosaur had an early version of vampirism). The dagger will drink blood that spills upon it, which will then drip out onto the hilt.

A pair of gloves with only three fingers and a thumb. They can be worn normally and cause the appearance of only having the mentioned digits, but do not impede dexterity in any way.

A cursed boomerang that causes whoever owns it to speak in an Australian accent. (For sillier campaigns)

A halfling battle-spoon; same stats as a dagger, but shaped generally like a spoon. DC 5 spot check to realize that it's a weapon when not in active use.

A coin that always lands on heads, but only when someone who doesn't know about the enchantment calls it in mid-air.

A backpack that randomizes the flavor and color of anything put inside. Flavors are always approximately as palatable and colors approximately as bright as the original.

A candlestick that slowly rotates when a lit candle is inside it, causing the wax to melt evenly.

[VoxRationis]

This item seems to be able to attract any and all woodlands creatures, birds and other pleasant critters. None of these are actually able to understand you nor does the necklace enhance their intelligence in any way. The selection of the critters is random and at your DM's discretion. None of these are harmful or would attack you. It's just weird that it does.

Mechanically useless, eh? Seems like a boon to the fowler.

[Jay R]

"flavorful and mechanically useless"

A plain vanilla +1 sword.

[goto124]

The sword, when licked, produces a vanilla flavor.

Wait, that's not what you meant by 'flavorful'?

[Dr_Dinosaur]

This set of mechanical woodland creatures seems to seek out cool but mechanically useless items that attract woodland creatures

This whip transforms any nonliving fluid (so no blood or oozes) its tip directly touches into a rich cream

A gun, except it has a gun (so an overconolicated double-barrel gun)

[goto124]

This whip transforms any nonliving fluid (so no blood or oozes) its tip directly touches into a rich cream

The lake is now cream. The ocean is now cream. The Water Dungeon is now Delicious Cream Dungeon.

That's going to be my next campaign and I'm bringing cans of whipped cream!

[Dr_Dinosaur]

The lake is now cream. The ocean is now cream. The Water Dungeon is now Delicious Cream Dungeon.

That's going to be my next campaign and I'm bringing cans of whipped cream!

That will take a while since it's only the water the tip is in direct contact with

[Bohandas]

The sword is sentient but lacks intelligent item special abilities and is moronic with nothing useful or intelligent to say; int and wis both 8 or lower cha 10 or lowerm

[Vogie]

After casting a fire spell that causes an explosion of some type, if the caster is facing the other way, sunglasses magically appear on the caster's face for 1d4 minutes. These glasses provide no mechanical benefit.

This quiver can also hold an umbrella or parasol in an extradimensional space.

The hilt of this rapier has an inscription in an ancient language. Upon a DC20 history or language check, the inscription reads "Stick them with the pointy end".

When firing this crossbow, a distant clap of thunder sounds

This greatsword looks shattered, with what is left of the blade about the length of a dagger, and allowing it to be stored in a very short sheath. When it is drawn, the rest of the fragments of the blade appear, glowing slightly

[Lord Torath]

When firing this crossbow, a distant clap of thunder sounds

From a slay-the-catgirls perspective (Sorry, girls, really!), is it intended that the person firing the crossbow hears this distant thunder sound at the instant the crossbow fires?

My first thought was that this could be a cool way to tell if your friend is in trouble. You left him guarding the camp/refugees/treasure while the rest of the group left to explore/shop/dig a latrine. Suddenly they start hearing thunder from a clear, blue sky, and they know they need to get back ASAP. Then I started imagining how the thunder would sound to the party half-a-mile from the crossbow operator.
I was thinking of having the thunder originate somewhere within 1d4 miles, and then realized that thunder travels at a speed of about 1 mile every 5 seconds (1000 ft/second)¹. Which means that if the thunder reaches the firer at the time of firing, it must originate 5-20 seconds before the trigger is pulled.

My sincerest apologies and sympathy to the families and friends of the poor catgirls.

1 - The speed of sound at Standard Temperature and Pressure is 1,125 ft/s. However, there is empirical evidence that the speed of sound in OotS is roughly five times faster than this: page 2, panels 2-3.

[Jay R]

One of the minor joys of being a DM is handing out a flavorful but mechanically useless item.
One of the triumphant joys of being a D&D player is figuring out a way to use the intended useless items.
One of the delightful joys of being a DM is watching your players find a use for a useless items.

One DM gave out a bag of useless duplication. You could put anything in it and get a useless duplicate. Duplicated food was inedible; duplicated jewels and coins were obvious fakes; duplicated magic items looked real but didn't work.

I used it to steal another party's magic items, leaving behind the duplicates. They spent a long time trying to re-activate their items, and to investigate what could have made all their magic items inert.

But they never came looking for the thief, because they never suspected that the items were stolen (despite the fact that the bag of useless duplication had been theirs).

[Braininthejar2]

A dagger or short-sword made form an extremely large fang (DC 20 Knowledge: History tells you its a dinosaur fang, DC 20 Knowledge: Religion tells you that the dinosaur had an early version of vampirism). The dagger will drink blood that spills upon it, which will then drip out onto the hilt.

Depending on the delay between the blood being absorbed and dripping out, this could be very good for gathering rare spell/item components.

[goto124]

A mustard sword. Comes in Dijon, honey, and whole grain.

duplicated magic items looked real

That's where the mistake was made

[Jaxter Gronaldi]

The violin, when played, always plays A The Devil Went Down The Georgia, no matter what strings are being plucked or played

[Vogie]

This fishing rod doesn't actually work as what it looks to be, and provides a negative bonus when attempting to use it for actual fishing. It will, however, be heavily complimented by anyone who sees it.

A mustard sword. Comes in Dijon, honey, and whole grain.

An intelligent bastard sword, which can talk, but will only discuss its issues about being recognized by its father.

From a slay-the-catgirls perspective (Sorry, girls, really!), is it intended that the person firing the crossbow hears this distant thunder sound at the instant the crossbow fires?

My first thought was that this could be a cool way to tell if your friend is in trouble. You left him guarding the camp/refugees/treasure while the rest of the group left to explore/shop/dig a latrine. Suddenly they start hearing thunder from a clear, blue sky, and they know they need to get back ASAP. Then I started imagining how the thunder would sound to the party half-a-mile from the crossbow operator.
I was thinking of having the thunder originate somewhere within 1d4 miles, and then realized that thunder travels at a speed of about 1 mile every 5 seconds (1000 ft/second)¹. Which means that if the thunder reaches the firer at the time of firing, it must originate 5-20 seconds before the trigger is pulled.

My sincerest apologies and sympathy to the families and friends of the poor catgirls.

Who knows? It's magic.

[Braininthejar2]

A pipe sculpted in the shape of a dragon's head, with smoke coming out of its nostrils.

[Bohandas]

*glows in the presence of humanoids

*seems like it m8ght be intelligent but actually cycles through stock phrases like a pullstring doll

[Rockphed]

*glows in the presence of humanoids

*seems like it m8ght be intelligent but actually cycles through stock phrases like a pullstring doll

Is it dumber than a box of rocks, or only pretending to be dumber than a box of rocks? (I would have included a link to the spoileriest page of Buck Godot, but it seems to have been removed from the internet.)