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  1. - Top - End - #1411
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    TurboGhast's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    NPC Dossier entry:
    Ariaothulan the Poser | Poser | ♂ Dragon Poser | Is a poser.
    DM: Well, if you're going to put that instead of any other relevant information...
    Veit: Do I even have any relevant information?
    <beat>
    DM: Uhhhh...

    DM: Gain 500 "Sorry for making a badly designed encounter" EXP.
    Link to true signature
    Feel free to sig anything I post, just do so in quote format.

  2. - Top - End - #1412
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Silus's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    Not verbatim (as it happened a few weeks past) but:

    DM: "The skeletons twerk menacingly at you. Clack-clack-clack"
    Awesome avatar by linklele
    "The Barrier World" Google Doc
    A post-post apocalyptic steampunk magitech Pathfinder setting.
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    Awesome avatar by Akrim.elf and Ceika

  3. - Top - End - #1413
    Spamalot in the Playground
     
    DigoDragon's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    Spoiler: Responses!
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    Quote Originally Posted by TurboGhast View Post
    DM: Gain 500 "Sorry for making a badly designed encounter" EXP.
    I did this once for misreading some boss stats badly and nearly killing the party.


    Quote Originally Posted by Silus View Post
    DM: "The skeletons twerk menacingly at you. Clack-clack-clack"
    This is why evil clerics should not DUI (Dominate Under the Influence)


    Quote Originally Posted by GrayGriffin View Post
    "You can play music and feel like garbage at the same time!"
    Uh, well yeah.



    Strata: “Prisoners? What makes you so sure that there would be prisoners there?”
    Moon: “Doc’s an optimist and hoping we'll get there in time to save somepony. Me, I'm just content with making sure no other ponies get ground up.”
    Doc: “Basically what she said;” (*pointing between himself and Moonshadow*) “Buoyant, grounded. Earth pony, pegasus. The irony is not lost on us.”

    Choro: “PCs complicate any given evil plan just by being within a five mile radius.”
    Doc: (*deletes the word evil*) “Slight adjustment made there, because a plan's alignment doesn't keep it safe from PCs.”

    Doc: “She seems like the 'grabby' type to shake the jar and open it to see if it really is cotton candy.”
    Choro: “It does look a little similar to candyfloss, doesn't it?” (*drools*)
    Doc: “Don't even think about the comparison to food.”
    GM: “Honestly, Pink Cloud inhalation might be more merciful then exposure to tainted meat.”
    Doc: “Well, if you die a slow agonizing death in minutes as opposed to hours, I suppose that is still relatively ‘more merciful’.”

    Choro: “Just to double check, did we tell the Zebras what we're going to end up doing?”
    Doc: “Hilariously no. Last we saw of Caesennia's group, Moonshadow said to meet us in the lobby. They never showed up, and our plans changed a lot since. Guess they got eaten by a grue.”
    GM: “They're probably arguing with goats or something, they're fine.”

    Doc: “Her tongue is so inflexible, it looks like she's gargling a miniature baguette.”
    Digo Dragon - Artist
    D&D 5e Homebrew: My Little Pony Races

  4. - Top - End - #1414
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    TheTeaMustFlow's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    Cap'n Tempest: We need something no one on this island will want to be involved in... legitimate business.

    Kiryu: Psst... don't join the Nazis!
    Addi: ...Why not?
    Last edited by TheTeaMustFlow; 2017-04-25 at 03:25 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Toby Frost
    `This is just the beginning, Citizens! Today we have boiled a pot who's steam shall be seen across the entire galaxy. The Tea Must Flow, and it shall! The banner of the British Space Empire will be unfurled across a thousand worlds, carried forth by the citizens of Urn, and before them the Tea shall flow like a steaming brown river of shi-*cough*- shimmering moral fibre!`

  5. - Top - End - #1415
    Orc in the Playground
     
    OrcBarbarianGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?



    DM: Ballz

    DM: I give up, there are so many crab jokes to use.

    Ledge: I'll just inflict crabs!

    Salty: Can I talk to it in Welsh?

    Gaius: Can it be like a giant poo crab?

    Ledge: Am I a salt bender?

    Gaius: The walls keep out undesirables

    DM: John Octopi!!!
    Gaius: papa John octopi?
    Salty: Oh, there are multiple giant octopus..ie..ss
    DM: Octo***** (James Bond Movie)

    DM: I really like the crab theme? Do you not want crabs?

    Salty: Can we name one of them Nemo?

    DM: He's blushing purple, because he's green.

    Windy: I'm an autistic barbarian. I mean artistic. Nah, autistic actually.

    Wizard NPC: Careful, this tower is a rental! With an option to buy!

    Axel: I'm just bullying you, I'm sorry.

    DM, Salty, and Gaius: We're off to the wizard the wonderful wizard of.....
    DM: Turtleport!
    Salty and Gaius: Where are we?

    DM: No! The turtles are unrelated to the crabs!

    DM: Bubbles enjoys this.

  6. - Top - End - #1416
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Kobold

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    DM Okay NG, take... 18 piercing... plus 35 for sneak attack.
    NecreoGnome: Well, that's got me down.
    DM: You see the maid from Monkey's homeland standing over NecroGnome, holding a dagger. There is a blade lodged into his chest.
    Assasin Maid: If you want your friend back, hand over the ring.
    MonkeyMonk:Enh.
    ElfKnight: Nah.
    FairlyHalfling: We're good.


    FairyHalfling: I kick NG. "Wake up!"
    DM: NG, you wake up, with one hit point. Also, there seems to be a dagger stuck in your heart.
    NecroGnome: That's not good.
    DM: Straight through your pimp shirt.
    NecroGnome: Oh, now someone's gonna die.


    NecroGnome: Mr. Squeakers needs armor. Can I get him bronzed?
    Last edited by Joe the Rat; 2017-04-26 at 08:23 AM.
    Why yes, Warlock is my solution for everything.

    Quote Originally Posted by obryn View Post
    Active Abilities are great because you - the player - are demonstrating your Dwarvenness or Elfishness. You're not passively a dwarf, you're actively dwarfing your way through obstacles.

  7. - Top - End - #1417
    Spamalot in the Playground
     
    DigoDragon's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    Spoiler: Responses!
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheTeaMustFlow View Post
    Cap'n Tempest: We need something no one on this island will want to be involved in... legitimate business.
    I remember a D&D pirate game that went like that. The paladin had a reeeally interesting time trying to fit in. :3


    Quote Originally Posted by MasterMercury View Post
    DM: No! The turtles are unrelated to the crabs!
    With all the crab jokes flying around, I would have thought there would be a correlation, too.


    Quote Originally Posted by Joe the Rat View Post
    MonkeyMonk:Enh.
    ElfKnight: Nah.
    FairlyHalfling: We're good.
    BFFs right there.



    Viridia: “Do we get the ending in the game, or will we have to pay for the season pass?”
    Moon: “Time is money, so you've already paid a lot.”
    GM: “I'd wait until they make a horse armor DLC before making any hard decisions.”

    Choro: “I suppose we should say a proper goodbye to Ms. River, Mr. Light and Ms. Shine before we depart. Its good manners to say farewell before you venture off into deadly peril.
    Doc: “Can I just wave from up here? I walked liked... 500 steps to get up here and I ain't doing that again today.”

    Fan Knife: “And why do you think that saving this place is right?”
    Doc: “Why did Choro and I save your sister's life earlier from Tenaculum? It would have been easy to walk away. Would leaving her to die be equally as valid as saving her life?”
    Fan Knife: “The problem is, there's nothing for a pony to work towards here. There's no great endgame, where everything gets better for everyone if all the bad eggs get smashed.”
    Moon: “You know, I agree with you. But, duty aside, I'd be happier in a world without a murder meat factory in it.”
    Fan Knife: “What's the difference between holding a burning coal and a kitten? In the grand scheme of things, both are valid, but only one would make any sense.”
    Doc: “The world is the way it is now because everyone only looks out for themselves and has forgotten what true friendship is about. If you don't understand why banding together to shut down a rogue factory is the right thing to do, then perhaps you are no better than those who would have walked away and let your sister die.”
    Fan: “Relationships like that are good, except when they're not. Friendships are fluid things that are only reliable when ponies are really close and everyone involved has good intentions; so, really, they're not exactly the best base to build anything on a large scale. The only real constant, if you ask me, is family.”
    Doc: “So what you're saying is that you don't care if your sister died, but family matters... Well, reckon that says a lot about something.”
    Last edited by DigoDragon; 2017-04-26 at 08:33 AM.
    Digo Dragon - Artist
    D&D 5e Homebrew: My Little Pony Races

  8. - Top - End - #1418
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    We are questioning a cultist that is under a Suggestion to answer all of our questions truthfully. We already have a pretty clear picture of what we are going to face in the showdown with the cult leader, so we are scraping the bottom of the barrel as far as juicy information goes.
    War Cleric: Is there anything that your leader specifically told you to never tell an outsider, and if so, what is it?

    There wasn't anything, but it got a laugh.

  9. - Top - End - #1419
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Beacon of Chaos's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    GM: The police officer jumps from her car and begins yelling "Let me at 'em! Let me at 'em!"
    Madeline: Oh no, it's Scrappy Doo.

    Bruce: I turn uninvisible.

    GM: There will be a lot of legal fees involved.
    Yukari: That sounds like a problem for... someone else!

    GM: You see a unicorn-
    Yukari: *gasp!* I've heard of unicorns!
    King Kipper: They're like you in horse form!
    Yukari: I've heard they're delicious.

    Madeline: You're suffering from overpastelisation!

    GM: It makes a nice change from the place where one wrong move and you'll run into an ogre's arse.
    Used to be Diego Havoc
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    Quote Originally Posted by SiuiS View Post
    Diego Havoc, one of the hoopier froods I've met, up there with DeLancie.



  10. - Top - End - #1420
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    DrowGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    doc to beatstick: scalpel.
    beatstick: scalpel.
    doc: forceps.
    beatstick: forceps.
    merchant *groggy* are you guys done yet? oh, doc, while you're in there, mind adding me another liver?
    doc: crowbar.
    beatstick: crowbar? *hands it over*
    doc: *KLANG!!* *rolls for damage* geez, i hate drug dealers. you use 4 times the lethal dose of morphine and they're barely buzzed!
    dm: sooooo... why didn't you just start with more morphine?
    doc: if morphine fails, i've got my low-tech anaesthetic delivery system. lethal dose is about the same, and the effect is identical. morphine doesn't come cheap.
    team: .... if it works...
    doc: anybody have a spare liver? thank you. needle and thread, please.

    (the merchant survived with a blistering headache on waking up)
    Spoiler: quotes
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    regarding my choice of sustenance:
    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    I'm going to judge you.
    My judgement is: That is awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    GM: “If it doesn't move and it should, use duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use a shotgun.”
    dm is Miltonian, credit where credit is due.

    when in doubt,
    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymouswizard View Post
    Ask the beret wearing insect men of Athas.

  11. - Top - End - #1421
    Titan in the Playground
     
    HalfTangible's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    NPC: This is a matter of cosmic justice, not children squabbling over a game of dice.
    Player: 2meta4me
    GM:

  12. - Top - End - #1422
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    DrowGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    Quote Originally Posted by HalfTangible View Post
    NPC: This is a matter of cosmic justice, not children squabbling over a game of dice.
    Player: 2meta4me
    GM:
    farren: *sneak crits a boss really hard with an armor-piercing sniper rifle*
    *npc sheet flies off the table due to a gust of wind... probably*
    dm: ok, that's it! farren's shot through the fourth wall! everyone take cover!
    *everyone ducks*

    Spoiler
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    ... it's happened a few times since. we're haunted by a crack-shot pc retired for 3 years known for shooting through the plot, and the fourth wall too, apparently.
    Spoiler: quotes
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    regarding my choice of sustenance:
    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    I'm going to judge you.
    My judgement is: That is awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    GM: “If it doesn't move and it should, use duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use a shotgun.”
    dm is Miltonian, credit where credit is due.

    when in doubt,
    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymouswizard View Post
    Ask the beret wearing insect men of Athas.

  13. - Top - End - #1423
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Inevitability's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    DM: The berserker is blinded, immobile and prone, with tiny caltrop wounds covering his whole body and a pool of oil around his feet. Also, half of you still have a surprise action.
    Wizard: This is going better than I expected.

    DM: You see a number of humanoid statues in the room.
    Wizard: Do the statues look frightened or are any raising their hands to cover their eyes?
    DM: No.
    Wizard: Do the statues have monstrous appearances, claws, fangs, a lifelike appearance, or all of the above?
    DM: No.
    Wizard: I cautiously proceed forward.
    Last edited by Inevitability; 2017-04-27 at 01:10 PM.
    Creator of the LA-assignment thread.

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  14. - Top - End - #1424
    Spamalot in the Playground
     
    DigoDragon's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    Doc: “Ever notice how NPCs who don't give a buck about other people's problems seem really invested in why we do?”

    Choro: “Endgame might be us smashing the heart and letting the Windigos destroy the Empire.”
    Doc: “Well that escalated quickly.”
    Choro: “Oh, come on! RPG endgame! We have to blow something up.”
    Doc: “Just promise me that you’ll let us loot the Empire first before blowing it up.”
    Choro: “I make no promises until I see how much explosive I'm working with!”

    GM: “Alternative solution; Viridia could choose to seduce the alicorns. Make love, not war.”
    Doc: “I suppose that gives us more time to loot.”
    Moon: “I'm worried that Virida will succeed, become the Alicorn of Sexiness, and add all the mares in Equestria to her harem.”
    GM: “Well, it's quite clear that all the mares of Equestria are already in her harem, they just don't know it yet.”
    Doc: “Could be a pirate harem at that. Eye patches and rum for everyone.”
    Choro: “Hmm... I guess that'd solve the problem of 'what does a pony harem wear?'”
    Doc: “Oh but there's more to it! Pirate fashion is very complex. Would Choro prefer a Monmouth cap, the 'Cavalier' style hat, a top hat, the bicorn, or the tricorn hat?
    Choro: “Choro chooses Cavalier, Cloak and Cravat. Nice big hat, something to swoosh dramatically and a touch of formality. Doc's choice?”
    Doc: “Uh, since Doc isn't a mare, he might not be let into the harem. You'd have to take it up with the Mistress of Inscrutable Depths.”
    Choro: “Perhaps a disguise for breaking Mirror outta there, then?”
    Doc: “Because it isn't a truly epic campaign until someone heroically cross-dresses to rescue someone else from pirates.”

    Doc: “Well we do have a flying bus now. We could set up some guns and hoist the Jolly Roger if we wanted to.”
    Choro: “You fool! Flying bus is Harry Potter, not pirates. Now we need to sort the PCs into houses and make them compete for an arbitrary points-game.”
    Moon: “You're thinking car. Magic Flying Bus? Someone needs to call Mrs. Frizzle ‘cause we jacked her ride.”
    Last edited by DigoDragon; 2017-04-27 at 01:40 PM.
    Digo Dragon - Artist
    D&D 5e Homebrew: My Little Pony Races

  15. - Top - End - #1425
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    BlackDragon

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    Me : I why is no one here
    Player 1 : I'm heading out for now
    Player 3 : I'm back
    Me : *Facepalm* Followed by slowly breaking and snapping at group because of all of this

    Really that is half of the last 5 sessions and I'm starting too get actually angry and snappy at people which is bugging me.
    Check Out
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    Quote Originally Posted by Miscast_Mage View Post
    You're a frickin' ninja below me, too!? You got mad skills, Vknight.
    Quote Originally Posted by Arbane View Post
    Rogue vs. Dog. (The new Cat vs. Commoner, only not amusing!)
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    You are making the assumption of rational planning. After 37 years of dungeon crawling, I still have zero evidence that the average dungeon was designed by the sane.
    "Sleep is optional, just ask Vknight" Someone I Forget but thanks... I don't

  16. - Top - End - #1426
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Inevitability's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    DM: There is a giant golden statue in the middle of the room.
    Wizard: Obviously a trap. Don't move until I say so.
    Fighter: I walk into the room.
    DM: You trip over a thin wire and a greasy substance sprays from the ceiling on the floor. Roll a dexterity save.
    Wizard: Nobody move!
    Fighter: 6?
    DM: You are now uncontrollably sliding further into the room, and trigger a pressure plate. Darts fly from the walls and hit you, constitution save please.
    Wizard: Why are you moving?
    Fighter: Does a 9 save?
    DM: You are poisoned for 14 points of damage. Another trap triggers as you move further into the room, and a stone block drops on you. Dexterity save.
    Wizard: Oh god.
    Fighter: 2...
    DM: You take another eight points of damage, and you start bleeding out. As your slide comes to an end, a net falls down on you.
    Wizard: Well, at least he stopped moving.

    Fighter: I walk up to the statue along the cleared path.
    Wizard: Don't touch the statue.
    Fighter: I touch the statue.
    DM: Your finger gets stuck.
    Wizard: Why does no one ever listen to me?

    Wizard: So, what did you see?
    Rogue: Pair of basilisks up there. I don't like our odds. Let's backtrack and try to find another way past.
    Wizard: Ooooor I could send in an Unseen Servant with a mirror.
    DM: I hate you, you know.

    Fighter: Magic guy? I drank this strange green potion and now I feel one with nature. Any idea what it could be?
    Wizard: I'm thinking drugs.

    Wizard: Well, rogue, the bard is still stuck to that statue, and the fighter has probably been captured. It's up to us now to infiltrate the cultist's ranks.
    DM: You are both small-sized, and all the cultists are humans. Even if you wore those robes you looted off them, you'd immediately be noticed.
    Wizard: Don't worry, I took care of it. Rogue, please get on my shoulders, then put on the robe.
    Fighter: Are you seriously doing this?

    Fighter: They're Russian Moroccan French goblins!

    Wizard: These hook horror screeches you're making are strangely adorable. Do more!
    Last edited by Inevitability; 2017-04-29 at 11:39 AM.
    Creator of the LA-assignment thread.

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  17. - Top - End - #1427
    Halfling in the Playground
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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    In a 5e D&D session, here were the characters :
    - Glarog, Half-Ogre Warlock/Paladin
    - Löthiön, Half-Elf Wizard
    - Richie, Human Fighter
    - Tykhus, Human Sorcerer
    - Degolas, High Elf Rogue.

    Tykhus : Looks like we need to find a secret door... Degolas, you need to scout !
    Degolas : I'll scout for you, but I want in exchange five gold coins from every party member.
    Glarog : I have a better suggestion : if you don't scout, you'll get zero coins, and zero HP.

    DM : Glarog and Richie seems really weak, as they're both at 1 HP.
    Degolas : (Whispers to Thykus and Löthiön) Come on, they're only weighting us... Let's give them a coup de grâce and loot their corpses !
    Löthiön : (Angrily) You're talking about my bodyguard.
    Tykhus : (As angrily) ... And about my student.
    DM : ... So I guess Degolas got blasted.
    Glarog : (Sassily) Anyone for the coup de grâce ?

    DM : As Richie thrusts his spear inside of the Ettercap, it stretches, and polymorph itself : it was a Drow all along.
    Degolas : Oh, yes ! I'll loot him ! I'll loot him ! I'm first on the loot !
    DM : Except he was an Ettercap a few seconds ago, right now he's naked.
    (Degolas cries in the corner)



    Here, the Game is Naheulbeuk's Dungeon, a french RPG.
    Characters :
    - Howlise, Human Engineer (craftsman), with a specialty on mechanical things and traps.
    - Gorg, Human Wizard, with a specialty on Fiendish battle magic
    - Lust, Human Cleric from Slanoush (a Slaneesh parody)
    - Vhesper, Human Engineer with a specialty on alchemy.

    DM : Now that you've reached the half of the labyrinth, your corridor then splits on two parts ; are you going on left side, or the right side ? Maybe you'll split ?
    (Howlise's carefully doing the map)
    Gorg : We're going straight.
    (The whole party, and the DM, laugh)
    Gorg : I'm serious, by the way.
    DM : (Still calm) Ok, make a Strength-10 roll
    Gorg : Critical roll.
    (Howlise's silently crying as he sees his map turning to garbage : Gorg's doing a straight path through all the labyrinth)

    Lust : What can you craft ?
    Howlise : (Looks at his sheet) A... Ladder. I guess Gorg'll be able to "go straight" upward now.
    Last edited by Shinn; 2017-04-29 at 02:35 PM.


    Spoiler: Who am I ?
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    Alignment:
    LG - 10%
    NG- 8%
    CG - 5%
    LN- 12%
    N - 12%
    CN - 7%
    LE - 18%
    NE - 16%
    CE - 12%

    Race:
    Human - 23%
    Dwarf - 14%
    Elf - 11%
    Gnome - 18%
    Halfling - 11%
    Half-Elf - 12%
    Half-Orc - 11%

    Class:
    Barbarian - 5%
    Bard - 7%
    Cleric - 16%
    Druid - 4%
    Fighter - 9%
    Monk - 7%
    Paladin - 9%
    Ranger - 9%
    Rogue - 12%
    Sorcerer - 7%
    Wizard - 15%

  18. - Top - End - #1428
    Spamalot in the Playground
     
    DigoDragon's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    Isadora: "Machi Koro is essentially a card game version of Monopoly, but one that takes much less time to finish the game and kill the other player."

    Jennifer: #Where'sMyPants?
    DM: #YouHadPants?

    Jennifer: "I'm going to buy three bricks and throw two of them at you. Now you have bricks and the rules specify you cannot refuse selling them to me."

    Isadora: "The queen is turning her guards into rats to go kill us."
    Guard: *Raises hand*
    Queen: "Yes?"
    Guard: "I got turned into a cow, can I go home?"
    Queen: "You're excused. Anyone else?"

    Peanut Gallery: "Are you watching a horror flick?"
    Jennifer: "No, just porno. Same thing."

    DM: "Tuna boat! Tuna boat! Tuna boat!"

    Isadora: "The world is going to hell in a handbasket and we're all wearing gasoline underwear."
    Jennifer: "This is why I go commando."

    Jasmine: "That convenience store looks nice."
    Jennifer: "It's a 7-7, only worth half the price."

    DM: "I think I just recreated the state of Kansas."
    Jennifer: "Ten thousand acres of wheat fields and a single Denny's in the middle?"

    DM: "Well I can't eat that unless I roll a 1."
    DM: *rolls a 1*
    DM: \o/

    Jasmine: "So it behooves you to roll two coins--"
    Jennifer: "Dice."
    Jasmine: "--to Dice two coins. Wait."

    DM: *Rolls a 3*
    Jasmine: "Haha! gimme money!"
    Isadora: "Geez, you're just nickle-and-dimeing the DM to death there."
    DM: "Just like my spouse in real life."
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  19. - Top - End - #1429
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Silus's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    From out last session:

    Swashbuckler: Well first I scream like a [wuss] because prison didn't prepare me for this [stuff].

    DM: So you dodge back and go "HAHA! PRISON TAUGHT ME THAT!"

    Reading a scroll
    Swashbuckler: Is it a scroll of goblin porn?
    DM: That would be cursed scroll so no.

    Swashbuckler: Ever seen a Goblin in a thong?

    Our Swashbuckler is....odd.
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  20. - Top - End - #1430
    Titan in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    Fighter: Did our bard seriously defeat three CR 5 monsters on his own by pushing them?

    Rogue: It's time to face reality: our party is gone, and it's not coming back. The others we can't break free from their prisons, and if we don't leave the same'll happen to us. Let's just leave, buy a ship in the first harbor we come across, and leave this continent.
    Wizard: That sounds...
    Rogue: No! Crap! We can't buy a boat: those two have the gold we need! Rescue time!

    Wizard: Why are all the doors in this place plastered over? People still use them, as far as I know: do they just renew the entire cover every time someone has to use a door?

    Wizard: A room with half a dozen hook horrors, you say?
    Fighter: You better not b...
    Wizard: Let's lure them into the group of cultists! Rogue, get some food and prepare to run! We'll be awaiting your success in a side passage!
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  21. - Top - End - #1431
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    OrcBarbarianGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    Are we ready to head to our undisturbed mall parking lot? I'll just say it doesn't have a face.

  22. - Top - End - #1432
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Necroticplague's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    "Hey, if you had an alter ego you could physically transform into, you'd throw in a few wish-fulfillment elements as well."
    Avatar by TinyMushroom.

  23. - Top - End - #1433
    Spamalot in the Playground
     
    DigoDragon's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    Doc: “That was cute up until I saw the little kidney sale on the monitor.”

    GM: “The solution as to what assists flowering plants in the Equestrian Wasteland; invisible magic bees.”

    Choro: “Hmm... So I guess that's everything? Invisibility potion/pollen, ninja, robot orderly, academic necromancer, thief, teenage wizard, doctor, action scientist, daredevil adventurer, camper van, bioweapon, scratch-built medical equipment, light fiction, reference books, lots of guns...”
    Doc: “’Doctor’? That's it, I only get a one word label? Shortchanging your earth pony again?”
    Choro: “Hey, Moony just got thief, and Choro got named after a Nickelodeon character. It's not my fault that the only simple descriptions of Stellar and Viridia make them sound like they put 'badass' on their tax returns.”
    Doc: “But you wrote the labels! It's like the punchline in that one Mac vs. PC commercial with the wheel.”
    Choro: “Wasn't Doc annoyed at people not calling him ‘Doctor’?”
    Doc: “That’s because they were calling him Nurse.”

    GM: “Doc, quite suddenly, had a stack of metal disks shoved towards him; the disks he was holding had little blinking lights arrayed over them, along with cute little 'Caution!' stickers with frowny-faces on them.”

    Choro: “Pony Eating Robots sounds better than Equine Eating Robots.”

    Doc: *gives Strata a bottle of water, one he had acquired by melting clean snow. The rads would be good for her*
    GM: “The ghoul eagerly took the bottle and quickly gulping down the life-giving water within.”
    Doc: “You mean... half-life giving water.”

    Stellar: *makes final checks of the airbus for their journey, keen to get going*
    Doc: “So, how many miles on a full pegasus does this bus get?”
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  24. - Top - End - #1434
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    Session was cut short due to my friend having to leave or be stuck here for the night due to weather, but rather quotable.

    Characters:

    NG Ifreeti Cleric of Apollo (Wife)
    N Azer Craftlord (Bro)
    CN Salamander Barbarian (Friend)

    GM (Me): "you see some people, all of the lower classes, with strange black spots interrupting the healthy red of their flames and skin."
    Bro: "The Black Spot! Ahhhhh!"

    Me: "The Black Spot fully overtakes the Salamander, and he attacks the shopkeeper in the stall next to you."
    Bro: "Not my problem."
    Me: "He is pushed back, reaches behind him, and grabs a sword off of your table."
    Bro: *Smash* "No shoplifting."

    Bro: "I saved your life, you better buy something."

    Wife: "I'm going to need a sample of infected flesh to try and identify it."
    Bro: *Picks Salamander bits out of hammer spikes* "Is this enough?"

    Wife: "Can you say that any less like this is a cult?"

    Wife: "Can you say that any less like this is a star wars movie?"

    Friend: "Can I pee on the corpse?"
    Me: "I think any liquid waste would be evaporated inside your bodies, and the high heat would help you matabalize more of the solid waste, though there would still... Huh, you guys **** coal."

    Friend: "Mortals power vehicles with ****!"

    Me: "A vicious sandstorm surrounds the Azer ruins."
    Bro: "I kneel down and pray a few feet from from the storm."
    Me: "The storm does not vanish."
    Bro: "Oh, I wasn't praying for that, I was just praying we don't die in there."

  25. - Top - End - #1435
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Beacon of Chaos's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    Yukari: Congratulations! Your prize is death!

    Kula: Kula's grandfather very wise man. When Kula try to fly by jumping of cliff, him hit Kula on head. Him say "head hurt now, better than whole body hurt later".

    Yukari: He's like you Kula, only without your grandfather's wisdom.

    Yukari: *yelling* Hit him in the jaw! He has a glass jaw!
    Yukari: *whispering* No he doesn't.

    Bruce: Hmm, what can I do?
    GM: Now would be the perfect time to use your shotgun.
    Bruce: Okay, I'll do that. *rolls*
    GM: The bullets ricochet off his armour.
    Bruce: My cane does more damage than that.

    Madeline: I'm going to stand here and sizzle for a while.

    Kula: *rude gesture* Spin on it!
    GM: Right! *rolls dice, sextuple crits* Take 51 damage.
    Kula: ...Okay.
    Yukari: How much HP do you have?
    Kula: Not that.

    Madeline: I spent a lot of money I don't have on food I don't eat and drinks I don't drink to make people I don't know say nice things about me.

    Kula: Why these men wear colourful tin cans?

    GM: It's the bondage witch from the arena.
    Madeline: ...I feel I am not properly dressed.
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  26. - Top - End - #1436
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    DrowGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    edward: why don't we...
    kazu: can it edward! let's kidnap the princess and ask for a ransom!
    edward: i was gonna say "befriend the princess and get her to develop stockholm syndrome", but i guess that works too...
    gm: ... you guys are sick.

    kazu: EDWARD!! what have you done with the princess?!
    edward, strangling a tour guide: taught her to play cards, why?

    *humongous explosion*
    oak, looking at edward: that still counts as one kill.
    gm: land and property doesn't count as kills. only as efficiency.

    kazu: let's attack a bank!
    enlil: let's rob a bank!
    edward: ... i could build a bomb to destroy the bank and burn the money in it!
    oak: i like her plan.
    kazu: aw, crud... i like her plan too...
    (it's a reference to a french punk song: attaque la banque et brule le fric. we had to do the skit)

    *edward is looking at a flame-throwing tank*
    team and gm: no, edward. no.
    edward: but...
    all: EEEEEEEDWAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!!!!
    Spoiler: quotes
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    regarding my choice of sustenance:
    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    I'm going to judge you.
    My judgement is: That is awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    GM: “If it doesn't move and it should, use duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use a shotgun.”
    dm is Miltonian, credit where credit is due.

    when in doubt,
    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymouswizard View Post
    Ask the beret wearing insect men of Athas.

  27. - Top - End - #1437
    Spamalot in the Playground
     
    DigoDragon's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    Doc: “Moon, you want to hold onto the [Invisibility] potion?”
    Moon: “Arguably you'd need it more, but thanks.”
    Doc: “Nah. Someone might be startled if their healthcare disappears on them.”

    GM: “River hauled back to Viridia a large, grey, woolen sweater that looked like it had been made from most of a sheep.”

    Choro: “You 'earth' all the time, Doctor. You just don't notice because you're too busy being you.”
    Doc: “Did you just…”

    River: “So, see you soon?”
    Viridia: “I'll try my best to not be dead, just as a treat for you.”

    Doc: “Alright, mares and gentle-medics, please put your seat back in the the upright positions for takeoff. In case of emergency, the exits are here, here, there, and anywhere else you can squeeze out of. In the event of a water landing, the equine next to you may be used as a flotation device.”

    GM: “And then Moonshadow didn't feel like she had made a terrible mistake in deciding to be the first pegasus to haul the bus, but just a moderate one.”

    Choro: “All these basically say 'he's an adventurer'.”
    Doc: “Aren't we all technically adventurers?”

    Stellar: “What effect does having an improvised spark battery have?”
    Doc: “Gives the GM another point of failure to use against us?”

    Viridia: “Did I miss something? Why's Stellar salty?”
    Doc: “Didn't she have this little crush on V way back near the beginning?”
    GM: “Funnily enough, this could apply to most of the female Sunnyside NPC's, sans Mirror. Probably.”
    Stellar: “I feel like explaining would take away the fun.”
    GM: “Obviously, it's because she thinks she's surrounded by horndogs who all hooked up within several days of one another for some inexplicable reason.”
    Viridia: “Heyyy. Viridia didn't ‘hook up’. She just likes imitating Sleipnir.”
    Digo Dragon - Artist
    D&D 5e Homebrew: My Little Pony Races

  28. - Top - End - #1438
    Spamalot in the Playground
     
    DigoDragon's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    It's been a few days, hopefully no one minds another post from me~

    Spoiler: Against my better judgement, I joined this game again.
    Show
    Nick: "Why did the wizard build an iron golem that was only good at diplomacy? He wanted to make a social construct."

    Nick: "Then he shakes her hand and the horse next to them explodes."

    Digo: "So... what's the fine for drawing crop circles in a non-warp capable society's field?"
    Nick: "5000 credits and 6 months in a penal colony being explained as to why you shouldn't do that."

    GM: "How ready are we?"
    Digo: "Oh, I'd say 95... 95 and a half."
    Nick: "99%"
    Chris: "42."
    Mel: "Mayonnaise."

    Chris: "Why are you banging your head against the wall?"
    Capt. Nemo: "Because it'll feel so good when I stop."

    Digo: "At its angle, it could ram us and take out our rudder."
    Nick: "At its speed, it could cut our ship in half!"
    Mel: "So what do we do?"
    Digo: "You want a hint?"
    Mel: "Yeah."
    Digo: "How long can you tread water?"

    Nick: "It's the D&D British Empire. Anyone not them is the cabin boy."

    Nick: "Oh good. Ambassador Kosh and the Vorlons are here."

    Capt. Nemo: "I'm not the curious type. If I see an island and it doesn't strike me, I leave it alone. If it does strike me, I roll initiative and strike back."

    Nick: "We're on a mission from Bob."

    Nick: "I'm expecting the ship to be powered by a giant slug, sniffing spice."

    GM: "What you see are six ogre skeletons turning cranks that generate power."
    Chris: "Ah, a necromatic drive."
    Digo: "Its a bare-bones engine, but it works."
    Chris: "And only needs a skeleton crew to run it."

    Digo: "Aww, my treasure trove has gone commando."

    Chris: "I can resist anything but temptation."

    Digo: "What do these people look like?"
    GM: "Seven-feet tall, light violet skin, stocky build like a dwarf--"
    Digo: "Three eyes on their face?"
    GM: "Yes, actually."
    Digo: "That's what I thought."
    Nick: "You know what they are?"
    Digo: "Not a clue. I was just guessing."

    Chris: "How is Halberd?"
    Nick: "Feeling very stiff, but still has his pointed sense of humor."

    Nick: "Anyone else notice this island is like Tahiti?"
    Chris: "Tahiti?"
    Nick: "Yeah. It's a magical place."
    Digo Dragon - Artist
    D&D 5e Homebrew: My Little Pony Races

  29. - Top - End - #1439
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Inevitability's Avatar

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    Wizard: Fire bolt is the multitool of wizards everywhere. It's as I say: if you can't solve it with continuous application of deadly heat, why bother?

    DM: These creatures, you learn, have a sophisticated and deep language. They communicate by banging their hooks against corpses, and occasionally walls.
    Fighter: I really hope that's the other way around.

    Bard: Etherealness is the spectator mode of D&D.
    Wizard: Fairly sure spectator mode has no horse-sized spiders trying to eat you.

    Wizard: Is this Monsters That Petrify People: Greatest Hits or something?

    Fighter: I like how whenever we get knocked out the villains are all like: "These irritating adventurers' lives and deaths are in my hands! I can kill them, imprison them, set them on fire, sell them into slavery... better heal them into consciousness and bargain for their lives, then send them on their way with most of the stuff they just stole from me."
    DM: Well maybe that guy didn't want to kill you? Maybe he's got moral values he wants to uphold?
    Fighter: He's a beholder!

    Rogue: How's the bard doing? I didn't pay attention.
    Wizard: Well, he got into a staring contest with a basilisk.

    DM: Stealthily and currently undetected, you make your way through the second-last room. You know that the exit is nearby now: reaching it will be a matter of seconds.
    Wizard: I walk into the next room, knowing my escape is imminent.
    DM: Okay: the dozens of shriekers you encountered earlier are still here and begin screaming immediately.
    Wizard: So much for being quiet.

    Wizard: I may just have set the only way out on fire. Don't worry, I already escaped.
    Rogue: I didn't!
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  30. - Top - End - #1440
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    DrowGuy

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    Default Re: Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

    dm: so, you loot a sawn-off shotgun, a power-claw, and an mg.
    kazu: i'll take the shotgun. aiming is overrated.
    oak: i'll slash everything to death.
    enlil: *can't lift the mg*
    edward: *happy dance*

    later, during a firefight.

    kazu: CRUD! i'm out of ammo!
    oak: i'm out of range!
    enlil: i'm running away!
    edward: *DAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKK ADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKK ADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKK ADAKKADAKKADAKKA click* kazu's right. aiming IS overrated!

    dm: you guys find a gatling laser. who gets it?
    team points to edward.
    edward: anybody got duck-tape? *duck-tapes bayonet on it*
    dm: i don't know if we've created a monster or just encouraged one...

    edward: *dakka-ing with much enthusiasm 'til it goes click*
    dm: what do you do, edward?
    edward: i giggle and reload!
    enlil: keep giggling, monster, that was the last of the ammo....

    kazu picks up the gatling laser: *horrendous amounts of gratuitous violence* i can see why edward giggles whenever she shoots the damn thing! *horrendous amount of gratuitous violence continues with renewed enthusiasm*

    Spoiler
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    guess who's the de facto machine gunner in the group now? as a wise ork once said "there's never enough dakka".
    Last edited by Guizonde; 2017-05-15 at 11:02 AM.
    Spoiler: quotes
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    regarding my choice of sustenance:
    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    I'm going to judge you.
    My judgement is: That is awesome.
    Quote Originally Posted by DigoDragon View Post
    GM: “If it doesn't move and it should, use duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn't, use a shotgun.”
    dm is Miltonian, credit where credit is due.

    when in doubt,
    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymouswizard View Post
    Ask the beret wearing insect men of Athas.

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