Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

[Vulkan]

Oh, turns out my husband is dead.

[digiman619]

Knives: Bees. Nature's cockroaches.
???: Uh, aren't cockroaches nature's cockroaches?
Knives: You're fired.

[Taet]

Sort of on topic:

"AAAAAAAAAAAH! Eight legged ants in my pants!!!"

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

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Knives: "Team Air Strike swooping down at the speed of rain!"
Jackie: "Surrender now or prepare for pain!"
Misty: "Yip, 'e' lugh!"

Heh, cheesy old memories are good memories. :3

GM: Congratulation, Knives! You got...

Spoiler

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I'm laughing so hard, there are tears. I forgotten this scene. XD

Oh, turns out my husband is dead.

Aww condolences. Unless the husband was a good-for-nothing, then I guess... congrats?

"AAAAAAAAAAAH! Eight legged ants in my pants!!!"

Any kind of insect in one's pants can't be a very good thing. O.o

This was one long-running conversation of interesting~

Viridia: “So, who gets whose name in pony marriages?”
GM: “I... got nothing.”
Moon: “They mash together. So if Moonshadow got with River Moss they'd become Moonmoss and River Shadow.”
Choro: “Behold, the origin of portmanteau shipping names!”
Viridia: “Although River's confuses me. River Moss, River Rock, and River Stone, right? We only call River Moss ‘River’, but the unique part of her name is Moss, right?”
Moon: “You’re right. I should've used Doc as an example. Doc Moss and River Wagon. Huh, that's not that bad either.”
GM: “Well, Doc gets called both Doc and Wagon, by different people, but Flagon was only ever called Flagon, even by his lackeys. River just sounds more like a name then Moss.”
Moon: “Doc Armor and Mirror Wagon? Not nearly as good. Clearly that's proof that the relationship is doomed to failure.”
Doc: “So, dump the unicorn and steal the earth pony? Hmm, River Moss does comes with two brothers that don't have a foreign superiority complex. That's kind of a plus right there.”
GM: “Also, the 'River Brothers' sounds like a band that would open for a second-tier music festival.”
Choro: “Whereas those poor ponies who go by a one word name are doomed never to even start a romance. Celestia, Luna, Trixie...”
Moon: “Trixie Lulamoon. She has hope yet. Celestia and Luna not being able to find romance isn't all that surprising.”
Choro: “Well, someone related to them must've found romance. Because Blueblood.”
Moon: “He’s adopted.”
Choro: “Meanwhile, poor Choro/Dichoro sits alone in the corner with her one name and a solitary tear, forever destined to be alone.”
Doc: “Not if she goes by her actual name of Shiny Cog.”
Choro: “Ah yes. No name more romantic than that.”
Doc: “I tried. Alternatively, count ‘The Great’ as part of Dichoro's name. Now you have three words to work with.”
Moon: “Mi Amora Cadenza didn't have any problems, obviously.”
Choro: “Hell, pretend to be royalty. One of them married a unicorn, right?”
Doc: “You know... I was going to chuckle along with your idea, but then I realized that Doc's full name is technically ‘Doctor Vardo Wagon’. Also, Mirror Armor is the daughter of the third most powerful unicorn in all of Everfrost, the Chief Warlord. If that isn't a royal title, then it’s likely just one step away. So in conclusion, this theory is batting a thousand and that is scaring me.”

[Inevitability]

Sort of on topic:

"AAAAAAAAAAAH! Eight legged ants in my pants!!!"

Those are called spiders. Either that or the wizard who made owlbears is loose again.

[goto124]

Doc VolksWagon.

*leaves the thread*

[DigoDragon]

Those are called spiders. Either that or the wizard who made owlbears is loose again.

If it's D&D, I wouldn't assume anything mundane.
I'd guess the wizard.

Doc VolksWagon.

*leaves the thread*

Heh, maybe if he had a brother in the auto industry?

[Teucros]

"And once again, our session begins with a CSI theme and ends up as a Benny Hill episode"

"Time to teach the kobolds how to vote and play bowling!"

"What do you have to say to Prince Irnil, Protector of the Forest, Master of the High Fane, Keeper of the Thrice-Blessed Spear, Destroyer of Armies, Shaver of Dwarves, Bane of Orcs, Harrower of the Dragons, most venerated among the High Elves?"
"We have a lovely sack of potatoes to sell you, oh Shaver."

"I draw the pentagram, light the magic candles, pour a kettle of sauteed egg, sprinkle a pinch of salt and add an onion. Sliced in cubes of course, one must be thorough".

"Why, yes, if it's blue it's already two. It's a universal law, really."

"Damn that mushroom!"

"As a cleric of Loki, I'm the only one here you can trust"

(A different campaign...)"Excuse me, do you venerate saint Olathiel?"
"Yes".
10 minutes later...
"Will you bow before the masked statue and open your mind to the Great One?"
"Yes".
1 minute later...
"Yup, you feel its dark calls. The mask has an ill defined arcane aur-"
"I wear it"
"What the...are you sure?
"Yes"
15 seconds later, when the battle begins...
"You feel it trying to take hold of your mind. Do you still keep it on?"
"Yes"
Two minutes later, after the subsequent battle has turned sour and the party runs for it...
"Yes, this shard on that eldritch machine looks powerful, are you certain that you want to stop and shoot it?"
"Yes. Hey a 19! Take that!"
A minute later, in Dolurrh, the realm of the dead...
"I AM URANTHALIS, SHADOW DRAGON AND WATCHER OF THE DEAD. ARE YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS INFLUX OF SOULS?"
"Why, yes"
*a minute of explanations passes*
"SO, YOU WENT STRAIGHT AT IT LOOKING FOR THE KIDNAPPED GIRL..."
"Yep"
"IN A TEMPLE YOU KNEW HAD BEEN COMPROMISED"
"Sure"
"AND GOT EVERYONE DEAD"
"Yes"
"INCLUDING THE GIRL THAT YOU CAME TO SAVE"
"Um...yes."
"AND YOURSELVES"
"Yes..."
*Evil cackle* "WHAT MONUMENTAL FOLLY AND INCOMPETENCE!"
"Oh, absolutely"
"YOU ARE LUCKY THAT THE RELEASE OF THE RADIANT IDOL MUST BE REDRESSED. THE MARUTS WILL ALLOW YOU TO RETURN..."
"Hell yes!"
"AND FIX ALL YOUR MISTAKES."
"*Gulp* yes"
Before the keeper of the dead
"They just rise? Like that?"
"Hehe...yes."
"Are you possibly servants of Gath?"
"Um...yes?"
"The foul lich, despoiler of the dead, thief of corpses, the bringer of unlife?"
"..."

Let it not be said that my current group doesn't have a positive attitude, I guess

[Coventry]

Heh, maybe if he had a brother in the auto industry?

A pinto named "Ford Prefect"? (he owns a saloon.)

[Braininthejar2]

"I'm giving you this chance, because his MAjesty recommended you personally. Fail me again, and I'll send you to him to present the audit results."

[AdmiralCheez]

Nadarr: Can I roll Knowledge: Murder?


Corlan: So a man is dead because I misinterpreted something...
Julio: And that's the importance of communication!


DM: Their alignment is Lawful Cash.


DM: Do you have any skills that aren't super high?
Tymorel: I try not to use those.


Nadarr (With two javelins protruding from his chest): We can still resolve this peacefully.


Nadarr: I'm not good-aligned, I'm good enough.


Julio: Any plan that doesn't start with genocide is a good start.

[Granhyt]

(A game of Pathfinder)

Witch : The shopkeeper don't have "Detect Evil".
Paladin : He is a Paladin lvl 20.
Witch : No he's not !

Investigator to a random merchant : Do the spices flow ?

Gm : It's not a tactical nuclear shot, it's just the paladin.
Witch : Kinda the same.

Paladin : The investigator has so much inspiration, he inspire even the dust.
Investigator : Allll the dust.

Gm : The hangar is full of oak planks.
Investigator : Yup, it's wood.
Paladin : Let's take all of it and sell it !

Investigator : Don't bring a priest in a bar fight.

Investigator : The blind Paladin say "I am the Justice" .. then he turns to the right direction and repeat "I am the Justice".

Gunslinger : We saved this priest, he can go now.
Paladin : Let it go, let it go ...

Witch (after a 1 in perception) : I can't even see my feet.
Investigator : Neither the bin.

[DigoDragon]

DM: Their alignment is Lawful Cash.

Hee hee, that is a new one to add to my list of true PC alignments.

A pinto named "Ford Prefect"? (he owns a saloon.)

This works on so many levels! :D


Doc: “Just two cats short of Crazy Cat Lady Status?”

Choro: “I'm also wondering if Fan Knife has anything against the Lodge and how that could play into this.”
Doc: “This is Fan Knife we're talking about. She hates everyone.”
Viridia: “Fan Knife seemed to like Viridia. A bit.”
Choro: “The phrases 'unstoppable force' and 'immovable object' come to mind.”

Choro: “Things may get interesting. Especially if my ‘out there’ guess is right and [Stitchhheart & Fan Knife] want to keep their secrets safe.”
Doc: “Oh dear sweet Luna, fighting them would be a hot mess.”
Choro: “... Well, now it's almost certainly right. It leads to the worst case scenario in a Fallout game!”
Doc: “What, an actual plot?”

Doc: “Well thanks a lot, The Great Dichoro, now you got *me* all paranoid into your headcanon theories.”
Choro: “Glad to be of service!”

Choro: “Remind me to tell you about the time I got lost going to Durham Castle. While looking at it.”

Choro: “Hrm. Interesting. So we have some shape-changers around... I'm now off wondering about Changelings too.”
Doc: “Oh ho ho ho, we need to tell you about The Roach King. A grumpy old Changeling that the party has met with a couple times.”
Choro: “Ah, the things to look forward to, travelling with this group! You meet all the interesting ponies! (Bets we run into Mirror/Sombre somehow?)”
Doc: “Mirror/Sombre? Are you insinuating something about Doc's fiancé?”

[Beacon of Chaos]

I'm laughing so hard, there are tears. I forgotten this scene. XD

I will admit to having a large amount of smugness at posting that. Never ceases to amuse me.

"What do you have to say to Prince Irnil, Protector of the Forest, Master of the High Fane, Keeper of the Thrice-Blessed Spear, Destroyer of Armies, Shaver of Dwarves, Bane of Orcs, Harrower of the Dragons, most venerated among the High Elves?"
"We have a lovely sack of potatoes to sell you, oh Shaver."

Everything in this post was great, but this made me laugh the hardest.

[Belac93]

Warlock. "I run through the pillow maze, following Selena's screams, and use eldritch blast to destroy them as I go."
DM. "You see her, and a giant minotaur about to slice her in half."
Warlock. "Dammit, not again! Darkness!"

Warforged. "I tell them to get me out of here."
DM. They run out of your sight, and you feel a rumbling beneath you. You get blasted off the ground, and hurtle towards earth.
Warforged. "YESSS!"
DM, to Warlock. "As you and Selena look up through the hole in the ceiling, you see the moon explode, and a ball of fire fall from orbit, just missing the princesses tower, and crashing into the orphanage."
Warlock. "No! We have to save the orphans! Wait, is there any loot in there?"
DM. :rolls: "... There is a dragon's hoard."
Everyone. "Free loot!"

DM. "You guys realize that in the same session, you managed to survive a drop from orbit, kill each other, create an alternate timeline, and become 2nd in command to an empire!?"
Players. "Imagine what we'll be doing at level 6!"

[DRD1812]

"Terpinate!"

[Zavoniki]

" You didn't file the proper forms for declaring war while under the effects of mind control."

[CrazyPenguin]

Exalted:

Gray Raptor (OOC):*reaches out and stroke's Jin's player's beard* "Muttonchops."

Gray Raptor: "I continue to endorse this terrible, terrible idea."

Burning Sunset:"I have no social skills. Why am I doing the talking?"

Nirvele: "I draw my swords!"
Nirvele: *is immediately stabbed by a giant scorpion tail and almost dies*
Nirvele: "I regret nothing."

Burning Sunset: "Oh wait, I do have social skills! Would I be able to write him a strongly worded letter from five feet away, because y Linguistics is great."

Storyteller: "These doors will only open to his hands."
Gray Raptor: "We throw his unconscious body against the door."

Storyteller: "Behind my hand are five dice. Six of them are successes."

Gray Raptor: "I sneak out of the manor.' *has really good stealth*
Storyteller: "You hear a familiar voice cry out 'Hey! what are you doing in here!'"
Burning Sunset: "He was caught be the same guard?"
Nirvele: "If this guy keeps catching Raptor he's gonna Exalt."
Jin: "Supernal awareness."
Nirvele: "His name is The All Seeing"
Storyteller: "He Who Spots Gray Raptor."
Gray Raptor: "Can I recruit this guy for my army?"
Storyteller: *gives random guard name*

Jin: "So i just bend the metal bars into staples and drive them into the floor, restraining the monster.

Nirvele: "Based on my experience with this monster, I now have a hatred for mutants and people who make mutants."
Storyteller: "Merfolk are actually descended from mutants, you know."
Nirvele: "Hatred for sorcerous mutants, not Wyld mutants."
Storyteller: "Merfolk are descended from sorcerous mutants. But that was a long time ago, and Nirvele probably wouldn't know it. Burning Sunset would, though."
Burning Sunset: "So now whenever he mentions that intimacy, I'll just snicker for a bit."

Burning Sunset: Warhammer 40K: Give Us Your Money!

Jin: I could probably drag a ship across the dessert."
Storyteller: "Bye honey, gonna go fishin in the Dreaming Sea! See you in a hundred years or so!"

D&D:

DM: "Your job is to stand there and get stabbed so other people aren't."

DM: "You are hereby banned from this game, on the ground that you just said "jif" instead of "gif."

DM: "The town is on fire."
Harukai: "I say 'me too,' then sit down and start crying."

DM: "My arms say Italian but my torso says Irish!"

DM: "Your firebolt misses, and now the town is slightly more on fire."

DM: "This DM, which you may have noted is nothing but a manila folder duct-taped to two pieces of paper with the words +20 DM Screen of Awesom on it, stands as a memorial to a fallen DM. and by 'fallen' I mean 'had to go to college and be an well-adjusted adult.' But , y'know, same difference."

DM: *carefully balances d6 on the light fixture* "I now declare this session, started!"

DM: "You're pretty sure this man once had a head, but it no longer exists after that hit."

[Inevitability]

"Hell yeah! Fight the system!"
"I don't think that means you should literally fight police officers."

[CrazyPenguin]

DM:*puts character sheet in the microwave* "Don't worry, I've done this before!"

[Zavoniki]

Exalted:

"Are you customer service?"



PC1: We're out of jobs. The world ended.

PC2: We can get new jobs from one of those 2.

PC1: We should wait until the fight ends.

PC2: We should offer our services right now, while they are fighting. We'll get a better deal.



"This is how all campaigns should end, with intense legal battles."

"You are in fact the God of Bureaucracy now."

"Just let your dreams(the Other PCs) wander free."

[goto124]

A pinto named "Ford Prefect"? (he owns a saloon.)

Does FO:E have their version of the Wild West? That's all I can think of when I see the word "saloon"...

Choro: “Ah, the things to look forward to, travelling with this group! You meet all the interesting ponies! (Bets we run into Mirror/Sombre somehow?)”
Doc: “Mirror/Sombre? Are you insinuating something about Doc's fiancé?”

Who's Sombre?

DM: Their alignment is Lawful Cash.

Burning Sunset: Warhammer 40K: Give Us Your Money!

[DigoDragon]

Does FO:E have their version of the Wild West? That's all I can think of when I see the word "saloon"...

It does! Some stories take their cues from New Vegas, which in turn is heavily inspired by westerns.

Who's Sombre?

I'm guessing he meant King Sombra. And his response to my question was a big grin that hid something, so... :3

[ZeroGear]

I'm guessing he meant King Sombra. And his response to my question was a big grin that hid something, so... :3

Sombre is the author of Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons.

[CrazyPenguin]

Gray Raptor: "I go find that one guard who kept spotting me and say 'Since we arrested your boss, I suppose you'd need a new job. Wanna join my army?"

And now for some D&D:

DM: "Immortality herpes."

DM: *puts character sheet in the microwave* "Why do I do this so often?"

DM: "BY THE POWER OF LIVER"

DM: *puts character sheet in the microwave* "WHY! Why? WHHHHHHHHHHHHHY?"

DM: "Hand me the PHB, I need to look up some spells."
Harukai: "You b*****d."

Ella: "Explosions are good."

Draco: "I take the flask and I eat it."

DM: "Shove this down her throat. Er. That came out wrong. Force feed it to her. JUST GIVE HER THE POTION."

DM: "He says 'you look like ****' and hands you a potion of healing."
Draco: "I punch him in the face."

Draco: "I thought you said 'potion of killing.'"

[Slarg]

Goliath Paladin: I'm going to swing this goblin into the other goblin
Human Warlock: I'm going to cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter on the goblin he's swinging at.
DM: The Goliath Paladin starts beating a hysterically laughing goblin with another goblin.

[CrazyPenguin]

DM: "The Universal Dwarf Accent is now Bostonian."

[ZeroGear]

From a modern one-shot:

P1: "Let me get this straight: the patrols are going around on SEGWAYS?"
GM: "With mounted machine guns."
P2: "Someone has too much money and no style."

P1: "They're gaining, hurry!"
P3: "I'm going as fast as I can!"
P1: "Go faster!"
P3: "SEGWAYS ONLY HAVE ONE SPEED!"

GM: "You manage to hack into the mansion's security network. What do you want to do?"
P2: "Are the segways connected to the network?"
GM: "...yes, why?"
P2: "I set them all to auto-pilot and make them spin in circles."

P3: "Surrender! Ve've got you cornered!"
BBEG: "Oh no, what am I going to do? It's not like I would have an emergency trap door connected to this conveniently placed lever that I could use to drop intruders into a pit of mutant snapping turtles."
P1: "Wait, what?"
BBEG: *pulls lever*
P3: "I hate yoooooouuuuuuuu..."

[Taet]

P2: You are useless in the wilderness, you complete city licker!
P3 through P6: "City licker?"
P1:

P1: P5, you stink. You're covered in blood.
P4: So have your dog go lick her clean.
P3: Or do it yourself, you city licker.
P1:

P6: That's what he got thrown out of the city for. Licking everything.
P2: *shakes head* Americans....
P1:

P1: 'Tongue bath'. Go ask your sister what it means.
P3:

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

I will admit to having a large amount of smugness at posting that. Never ceases to amuse me.

It never does! :D
The delivery of it was brilliant.

DM:*puts character sheet in the microwave* "Don't worry, I've done this before!"

OMG, I thought my friend Seaweed was the only one who did that. ^^;

Sombre is the author of Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons.

Ahhh, I did not know that. ...okay that creates more questions than answers.

Doc: “I'm sure that [cursed] sword will get tested at some point on a pony/zebra/donkey/something intelligent.”
Choro: “And only good things can come from that, right?”

Choro: “Say, do you have HP worked out for that door? In the *cough* event that we could beat its... what was its DT again? And did it have lightning resistance?”
GM: “DT is 22, and its lightning resistance is zero, like everything else in the locker.”

Viridia: “One of those lockers is ready to spread 'em wide for Viridia.”

Doc: “The bigger they are, the harder their IQ falls?”
GM: “It would be closer to actually frying their mind with necromantic radiation…”
Doc: “So, basically a mental Jiffy Pop?”
GM: “Exactly.”

GM: “I guess their 'role' was mostly filled in by the reappearance of the Children of Atom, though.”
Viridia: “The stupid church that worshiped an undetonated nuclear bomb, that even stupider people decided to build a settlement around?”
Doc: “I was surprised someone managed to take the dumbest part of Beneath the Planet of the Apes and make it dumber.”