Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

[DigoDragon]

And back from the wasteland...

Moon: “So what is it exactly?”
Doc: “And does it come with ears?”

GM: “Wonderbolt outfits are effectively overpriced Sexy Sleepwear.”

Doc: *grabs the bar that has a Waldorf Fellstoria label and the bottle of... blue soap*
GM: “I wanted to make a 'Dr Braynner' joke, but I thought that would be going too far.”
Doc: “Not that bad. Now, if it were a brand of glue...”

Viridia: “Perception was recommended.” *succeeds*
GM: “On the ceiling and hidden by the lack of lighting, Fan Knife was looking down. Ceiling ninjas are watching you make friends.”
Viridia: “Who knew she was that kind of fan?”

Viridia: “I hope I'm dead by the time I want to make a deal with another horse.”
Doc: “In glorious pony Iceland, horse is dead when dealing with you!”
Moon: “Undead horses don't seem like an improvement to me.”

[ZeroGear]

Vick: "Alright, we need a plan."
Lance: "I have a banana?"

[KnotKnormal]

Aden: How many men did we lose?
Alnair: 3 dead, 2 pretty messed up.
Aden: How much of that was friendly fire?
Alnair: 3 dead, 2 pretty messed up
Aden: Right so if that b**** says I'm incompetent I'm telling her that she trained the homicidal bastards.

Carra: How many of my men did you get killed.
Aden: *through clenched teeth* They did it to themselves.
Carra: Oh i expected it, they the worst in the force, was hoping to wipe out the whole lot of you. but you survived, well done.
Nick: Are you aware it only takes three and a half minutes to strangle a dog with your bare hands?
Carra: are you aware that a whip is a far more versatile tool then people give it credit for. *taps the whip on her hip*
Alnair: *nudges Aden* Duuuuuuude... Wife her.

[Rater202]

Me: As far as her 14 year old runaway brain can think, it's the perfect plan!

[IntelectPaladin]

Ah, the tales of my paladinhood.
My complicated, complicated paladinhood.

Me:Did I really just make a lich cry with realization of time's passing? Ok.

Me: I had no idea I could rehabilitate a lich. Let's see..
Personality? check.
Outlook? working on it.
Social scene? Erm... Children don't cry as often.
(At the sight of him on the streets. It's sad that I have to add that.)
Me: Look, sir.
My client has every right to collect the interest on the loan he made.
The aforementioned loan being the one granted to your bank during the crash of 1-023.
Me: Sir, sir, please stop yelling. I'm well aware it's 1-754. That isn't the issue here.

Thank you for reading this, and I hope you have a better day!

[Inevitability]

Me: Look, sir.
My client has every right to collect the interest on the loan he made.
The aforementioned loan being the one granted to your bank during the crash of 1-023.
Me: Sir, sir, please stop yelling. I'm well aware it's 1-754. That isn't the issue here.

I've had people actually try this in-game. I'm not kidding: when my players first visited a mayor city they went to the nearest bank and deposited some money. Seventeen levels later, after the campaign's end, I asked each player to narrate what happened to their characters.

Rogue: I become the world's most powerful assassin and thief, undetectable by mortal means. Who I want dead, dies, and what I desire stolen, gets stolen. Eventually, [necromancer] will probably turn me into a vampire or something, because I don't want to die from old age.

Fighter: I become a mighty mercenary and guardian of our floating island, equipped with many magical items. Many try to conquer the floating isle, but no succeed as long as I stand guard.

Ranger: I lead an army to destroy the dragon that long ago drove me from my home, then retreat to silently contemplate Ulaa's will. From time to time, I may emerge from the hills to do some work of good, and over time become a legend.

Necromancer: I focus on creating warforged and sentient undead, then after centuries of preparation lead them in a full-scale assault against humanity. Oh, but right before I do that I collect the interest on that loan I made back when we were in Baldur's Gate.

[goto124]

GM: “Wonderbolt outfits are effectively overpriced Sexy Sleepwear.”

While Sexy Sleepwear are gender-differentiated, Wonderbolt outfits aren't.

I swear I had an actual conclusion here, but I can't remember it now. So I'll just ask if there's a way for females to wear male outfits, and vice versa.

GM: “On the ceiling and hidden by the lack of lighting, Fan Knife was looking down. Ceiling ninjas are watching you make friends.”
Viridia: “Who knew she was that kind of fan?”

So the 'fan' word wasn't just describing what kind of knife she used...

[KnotKnormal]

Nick: guys?
*party ignores*
Nick: seriously this time, your gonna want to see this.
*party ignores*
Nick: GUYS!
Party: What?
*nick points* i told you there was a giant chicken following us.

Thane: alright we are meeting with the queen, be respectful and bow.
*in the thrown room*
GM: what does everyone do?
Aden: *bows*
Alnair: *fancy bows*
Carrig: *bows*
Nick: *stares of at the pretty colors in the class windows*
Carig: I touch the talisman to Nick
Nick: *double over in pain
Carig: He bows.

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

Alnair: *nudges Aden* Duuuuuuude... Wife her.

There's always one matchmaker in every group. :3

Me: As far as her 14 year old runaway brain can think, it's the perfect plan!

Totally legit!

The aforementioned loan being the one granted to your bank during the crash of 1-023.
Me: Sir, sir, please stop yelling. I'm well aware it's 1-754. That isn't the issue here.

Heehee, be wary of the player that knows the financial system. :3

I swear I had an actual conclusion here, but I can't remember it now. So I'll just ask if there's a way for females to wear male outfits, and vice versa.

With ponies? I dunno, I guess if the body sizes are similar enough.
In Fallout generally? There are mods for it.

So the 'fan' word wasn't just describing what kind of knife she used...

It's versatile!

Choro: “Oh, how I wish Choro had heard what Liron just said. Her reaction would've been hilarious. And finally pushed her all the way into proper wizardly wrathful anger.”
Doc: “Eh, racist donkeys aren't worth shooting up the place over.”
Choro: “Who said anything about shooting? She'd just argue with him! And cite historical precedent.”
Doc: “Well, historical precedent when NPCs argue with us is that there's a 60% chance guns get involved.”
GM: “The other 40% just involves exposition.”

River: “Alright, who wants all my guns? Some horse? Another Doc clone? The creepy ghoul filly?”
Viridia: “I don't think she's creepy. Anyway! A guy named Armoise Blanche.”
River: “Huh. So, is he a gun runner or something? Drug lord? Professional baby eater?”
Viridia: “Gang dude. He runs a gang. They gang.”

Viridia: “Let's find somewhere away from these folk, just in case. They're awful sensitive, and even mild torture might upset them.”
River: “We have sensitive feelings.”
Viridia: “You've got sensitive a lot of things.”

Choro: “No, no thank you. I have my own and I'm...” [Beat]
Choro: “...completely broke?”

[goto124]

Viridia: “I don't think she's creepy. Anyway! A guy named Armoise Blanche.”
River: “Huh. So, is he a gun runner or something? Drug lord? Professional baby eater?”
Viridia: “Gang dude. He runs a gang. They gang.”

Is he Prench? Why does Google say "Armoise" and "Blanche" are female names? Are we far enough in the future that currently feminine names have become gender-neutral and suitable names for a gangster, much like how masculine names are becoming more gender-neutral due to parents giving them to their daughters?

If so, that's some impressive world-building!

Was River born before or after rivers were contaminated with radioactive waste?

[IntelectPaladin]

I'm a touch surprised people were more interested in the bank, honestly.
Much more than the rehabilitated lich.
It's not exactly common, is it?

Anyways, here are some more tales of my intricate Paladinhood:

Me: We are NOT slaying the dragon.
I mean, these records she kept show that she was framed!
And (Thief), I know you're coming up behind me with the torch.
DM had me roll randomly, I rolled high. Evidently he wanted to burn the proof.
Me: Look, it's not my fault you guys are in cages! You try for assault and battery,
things like this are going to happen! A dragon is still a person, I told you.

Me:How is it my fault you didn't get to loot anything? More loot will be forthwith, I said.
I convinced her to send us in her abusive ex's direction, didn't I?

Me: You DO realize that we've gotten more gold out from both suing the ex,
and settling (She-dragon)'s false charges than we would've from the raid?
Besides, I set another little raid aside. Who wants to smack some cultists?
Thankfully, they still had fun, despite hiccups.
Thank you for reading this, and I hope you have a better day!

[KnotKnormal]

"the truth is we are guilty of these crimes, but we did so to seek the truth. you chief of police ha done the same, he has committed true crimes in an effort to seek the truth. we are both truth seekers, and who is to get in the way of seeking the truth. after all it is truly our own personal truths that truly makes us who we are. is it wrong to seek our truth at the expense of a truly magnificent government building and a truly benevolent judge?"

"... yes... wait... what?"

BOOM!!!!!!!

[DigoDragon]

Is he Prench? Why does Google say "Armoise" and "Blanche" are female names? Are we far enough in the future that currently feminine names have become gender-neutral and suitable names for a gangster, much like how masculine names are becoming more gender-neutral due to parents giving them to their daughters?

Maybe his parents always wanted a daughter, and thus the lack of love led to his life of crime?

Was River born before or after rivers were contaminated with radioactive waste?

Pretty sure it was after. The war "ended" about 170 years ago, so only a few ghouls remember the old times. Strata, Stitchheart, and Fan Knife are three such ghouls.

I'm a touch surprised people were more interested in the bank, honestly.
Much more than the rehabilitated lich.
It's not exactly common, is it?

Not common, but it happens. PCs are in it for something, so they gotta scheme for cash at some point to pay their bills. ;)

[goto124]

Fan Knife is a ghoul?

*rapid flailing*

[Fable Wright]

I'm a touch surprised people were more interested in the bank, honestly.
Much more than the rehabilitated lich.
It's not exactly common, is it?

Liches have, historically, been everything from a tragic villain to a reasonable authority figure to twisted nightmares of nature to straight up big bads. A redeemed lich is within accepted parameters of expectations.

A bank on the losing side of a deal? Now that is worth some discussion.

Fan Knife is a ghoul?

*rapid flailing*

One does not develop ninja skills without your family line having practiced the art for at least a century.

Fortunately, Fan Knife is included in her own family line.

[IZ42]

Kadic(OoC): Is it safe to assume Kadic's guessed Bittersweet is undead by now? She's kinda been dropping hints faster than the pound's value.
Lobelia(OoC):
Lea(OoC): Critical insult!

[D.KnightSpider]

Ray: Oh, wait. Which one of us survived a singularity? That's right, not you!
---

Lisa: The guy survives the collapse of reality and it goes right to his head.
---

R: There's something funny going on here. I suspect that someone is monkeying with the fabric of the multiverse. And I don't approve of that.
Ray: Someone besides us, right?
R: ... Yes.
---

R: We're putting together a team.
Ray: Can we be called the--?
R: No.
Ray: How about the--?
Lisa: No.
Ray: You didn't even know what I was going to say!
Lisa: Since it was coming from you, it didn't matter.
---

R: I believe that you already know our first recruit.
3G: Greetings, earthlings.
Ray: Gumdrop! Good you see you, my squid! How's it hanging?
3G: ... I apologize, but do I know you?
Ray: What? You don't remember?
3G: That would be negative.
Ray: But we survived a nuclear paradoxical black hole together!
3G: *shakes head*
Lisa: Oh for cryin' out loud. Not this again.
3G: Ha, ha, ha!
Ray & Lisa: ?
3G: That was my attempt at mimicking human humor. Was I successful?
---

R: Goody, Goody Gumdrop has developed some medical/healing abilities. Maybe now you two will stop getting yourselves vaporized and cut in half all the time.
Ray: He don't know us very well, do he?
Lisa: R, you just gave us a healer. If you thought we were pulling insane stunts before, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
---

R: And to provide some ranged support, I'm assigning you--
MMH: *enters* The one whom beauty and justice adorn: the marvelous Masked Matter-Horn!
Lisa: *headdesk* Oh, heck no.
---

3G: I am confused. My understanding is that a sub-objective of combat is to avoid getting shot. Is that not correct?
---

Ray: Huh. I would have considered you more of a Corvette-girl, not a Dodge-van-girl.
Lisa: Vans have more mass than sedans. More mass means more hiding places for dakka, and you can never have too much dakka.
Ray: Coming from you, that makes a scary amount of sense.
---

Ray: We're now the Time Force Rangers!
Lisa: *smacks Ray upside the head*

[digiman619]

Ray: We're now the Time Force Rangers!
Lisa: *smacks Ray upside the head*

Side note: I am convinced that the future the Time Rangers are from is secretly evil. Think about it: Humans all receive gene therapy in vitro to have "the perfect genes", a.k.a. eugenics. Every time they deviate from what's expected of them, they're told that they're "changing the future", but are never told how. Standard Operating Procedure on someone returning from the past is memory wipes. Every single criminal we see is a 'mutant'; i.e., made up of 'the spilled genetic materials' so not genetically modified (though still looking monstrous, because Power Rangers). Are they trying to breed criminality/aggression out of humanity, like that Doctor Who episode with Simon Pegg? There's WAY too many unanswered questions for me to trust Time Force HQ and the theory me and my brother have is that They Live -style aliens took over the world in secret and use the time travel power to stay on top.

PPS: That scene near the end of the series, where Frax/Dr. Ferix realizes that he was wrong about mutants, that they aren't all bastards and tells Nadira not to give in to hatred as he's dragged off to what for all intents and purposes is his death, every time I see it, I tear up. And I don't even particularly like Power Rangers, and I dislike that season in general, but that one scene... It gets me every time.

[DigoDragon]

One does not develop ninja skills without your family line having practiced the art for at least a century.

Fortunately, Fan Knife is included in her own family line.

Helps to live nearly two centuries when learning anything.


Viridia: “Yooo! Moony and the D! Where you at?”
Doc: “Sounds like a great rock band name.”

Moon: “Hey Viridia, I found something that'll hopefully help with all the weird crap we've been dealing with.”
Doc: “The poor thing is gonna work overtime with us.”
Choro: “I must admit, I am curious. What exactly does your team do?”
Moon: “We have made running into trouble pretty profitable thus far.”

GM: “The donkey actually seemed rather concerned about someone's safety; possibly her own!”

Choro: “This is the tale… of Discord!”
Crowd: *ponies let out screams of varying seriousness*

GM: “Armoise's group of thugs were heading inside the room while the vast majority of the crowd was distracted.”
Moon: “Huh, those the gangsters who made a deal with?”
Viridia: “They'd prefer to be called ‘uncompromising professionals’.”

Viridia: “We have enough bottlecaps to pay for the therapy we'll need after all the murders we've done.”
GM: “A small filly who was sitting nearby seemed to have heard that last thing, and whimpered slightly.”
Viridia: (thinking to herself) “The world seems to have a way of summoning people as soon as I say something mildly incriminating. Wonder if there's a way to abuse that?”

GM: “He looked at Doc with not-quite hostility.”

[Eldan]

Wizard: I cast an illusion of a really, really soft haystack at the bottom of the cliff.

Actual context:

Spoiler

Show

GM: So, the five bandits are chasing you to the edge of the cliff.
Rogue-cleric player: I jump over and activate a slow fall spell.
GM: You survive. The bandits arrive at the cliff top and hesitate.
Wizard: I cast an illusion of a really, really soft haystack at the bottom of the cliff.
Rogue-cleric: I taunt them "Come on, a woman could do this, are you affraid?"
GM: *Rolls* four of them jump over the cliff and... *rolls* two die, the others have multiple broken bones, especially in their legs.

[ZeroGear]

Lance: "Ok, this door doesn't have any locks to pick."
Xaltaer: "Looks like we need to solve the glyphs on it. Might take a while."
Thud: *Rips door off hinges*
Xaltaer: "...or we could just brute-force it."

Samson: "I've talked to the generals, and we're not getting through if they both don't agree."
Vick: "Then we have a problem."
Thud: "Thud solve problem! Thud use Reason! "
Samson: "...ok. So, what's with the rock?"
Thud: "This Reason." *holds up a large rock with the word "reason" horridly misspelled across it*
Lance: "I'd say that's a solid reason."

Xaltaer: "How you holding up big guy?"
Thud: "...big? You think Thud big?"
Xaltaer: "Uh...yes?"
Thud: "Thud never been called big before."
Xaltaer: "Really?"
Thud: "Thud always picked on for being small." *sniff* "Magic Man not know how much that mean to Thud."
Xaltaer: "You're uh...welcome?"
Thud: *hugs Xaltaer*
Xaltaer: "Can't breath."
Samson: Does that count as PVP?

[goto124]

Choro: “This is the tale… of Discord!”
Crowd: *ponies let out screams of varying seriousness*

He's quite a legend indeed

Wizard: I cast an illusion of a really, really soft haystack at the bottom of the cliff.

Actual context:

Spoiler

Show

GM: So, the five bandits are chasing you to the edge of the cliff.
Rogue-cleric player: I jump over and activate a slow fall spell.
GM: You survive. The bandits arrive at the cliff top and hesitate.
Wizard: I cast an illusion of a really, really soft haystack at the bottom of the cliff.
Rogue-cleric: I taunt them "Come on, a woman could do this, are you affraid?"
GM: *Rolls* four of them jump over the cliff and... *rolls* two die, the others have multiple broken bones, especially in their legs.

"Why did you guys recreate Assassin's Creed?"

[DigoDragon]

Thud: *Rips door off hinges*

Thud: "This Reason." *holds up a large rock with the word "reason" horridly misspelled across it*

Thud: "Thud always picked on for being small." *sniff* "Magic Man not know how much that mean to Thud."

I love every word that comes out of this character. Pure gold.

"Why did you guys recreate Assassin's Creed?"

Well you have to admit that it was effective. Props for good use of illusion.

[Wonton]

"So... can we bring him back without arms?"

Spoiler

Show

My PCs, casting Raise Dead on an NPC that they killed, worried he might seek revenge

[KnotKnormal]

Gray: I give up. **** it... *tries to shove the cube in the round hole*
DM: it slides in easily
Gray: wait what?

Trin: Next time, I wire the bomb, you plant it.

Trin: *hands Dom a lit stick of Dynomite* All wired up, now plant it across town.

DM: the code is 2461
Sam: 2461 2461 2461 2461
Dom: 7659?
Sam: no 2461
Trin: how many dalmatians were there?
Sam: 101
Everyone: *waits for glory*

- Some time later -

Sam: FFFFFF@@@@@@@%&!!!!!

[TurboGhast]

Random Passerby: You're playing B&B, where you simulate being in a Bed and Breakfast. There's a dragon in the basement.
DM: The owner of the place has a bunch of creepy dolls that come to life at night.

[Beacon of Chaos]

Fresh from tonight's session.

Josephine: I'm sorry, but if someone tries to attack me, I am not responsible for what happens to any walls that get in the way.

Dante: I could make a sculpture of blood. Can I, like, move it around, or what?
GM: It's basically like an ice sculpture. Good for decorating an evil vampire cult lair.
Dante: Hmm.

Jospehine: I am still naked, by the way.
John: ...Why?

GM: It's a small, quiet village. Not much goes on there.
Edward: Just wait, we'll change that.

Edward: We have not destroyed half a city... yet.

GM: The only clothes they have for you are the Chief's daughter's old school uniform.
Scamp: How very anime.
GM: It's more like Madeline.
Jospehine: ...I can work with this. Can someone braid my hair?

Edward: Can I roll procurement to try to buy another gun?
GM: You can roll it to try and get a few more stock points, hopefully you'll get enough.
Edward: *double crits*
GM: Nevermind, you raided your Swiss bank account and now have triple your starting funds!

GM: Hunting is common here but you might want to hide the tommy gun.

Edward: So... they're trying to put together an evil orchestra?

John: I go invisible!
Everyone: Stop already!

[CrazyPenguin]

Random banter from an Exalted character creation session:

"He lost his sense of taste."
"His tongue got torn out?"
"Along with the rest of his lower jaw, yes."

"The god of Plot Twists!"

"So, can I ride a shark?"
"There should be shark elementals. Why are there no shark elementals?"
"Because 'shark' isn't an element."
"Sure it is. It even has an elemental Pole. Sharknado."

[DigoDragon]

Trin: how many dalmatians were there?

This cruel and hilarious.

Jospehine: I am still naked, by the way.
John: ...Why?

Questions later. ;)

~ ~ ~
Viridia: “You are so wrong that the very concept of Right has been removed from the universe. Yes, even the direction.”

Choro: “Can you tell me anything more about Everfrost?”
Doc: “It's a small island far to the northeast across the sea, inhabited by Viking unicorns. It's a warrior caste society in isolation for centuries, with their own language.”
GM: “Somewhere, Fan Knife sneezed.”
Viridia: “Fan Knife: The only fan that doesn't know how to chill.”
GM: “Well, she was chill, once. Then her nose fell off.”
Doc: “I'm sure her sis can sew the nose back on.”

GM: “The Gamma Gun's based off the one from Fallout 4.”
Viridia: “Eww. I object to that on an ethical, moral, and personal level.”

GM: “Donkey cuisine might distress ponies, because it doesn't consist mostly of sugars, fats, and starches of various shapes and colors.”
Doc: “Donkeys are carnivores or something?
GM: “They would just have plainer tastes in food then ponies do. They'd probably be fine eating just straw, with some steamed veggies on the side.”
Doc: “Oh. You said distress and I was thinking something exotic like... Iceland cuisine.”
GM: “Willingness to consume Icelandic cuisine, from my understanding, probably stems from large amounts of grain alcohol.”

[Beacon of Chaos]

Questions later. ;)

You're right. Getting the teenage girl some clothes before we get arrested is probably a better idea.

Spoiler: Context

Show

Actually, despite appearing to be 15, Josphine is a living porceline doll and 84 years old.

She was naked* because she was shielding Scamp (aged 11) from an explosion that probably would have killed him for a short time.

Yeah, it's that sort of game.

*I believe she still had her undergarmets and Scamp gave her his jacket, so not completely naked. Naked for a 1920s setting

Anyway~

---

Quotes from an old pony game Digo reminded me of the other day.

Cast:

Spoiler

Show

Wah-Ching Yu- Mysterious earth pony spy, gender unknown.
Knives C'Pone- Unicorn rogue, descendant of a legendary DJ
Springboard Jackie- Pegasus pirate
Heal Turn- Unicorn cleric
Scarlet Blaze- Hot-blooded earth pony mercenary

Jackie: Arrr, we going to looty their booty!

Knives: It all made sense! She was a hitmare, sent to wub out the enemy!

GM: She generally prefers close-combat, but the loud ZZZZZZAP noise the gun makes is very satisfying.

Knives: Oohhh, I do so need something to protect my delicate flesh from being, well, undelicatated, but the glitter bomb has glitter.

Heal Turn: Not that he didn't appreciate his work healing others and the help it provided ponies in town, but it just got tiring to listen to ponies complain every day. "Why shouldn't I eat that, it was tasty!" "What do you mean it costs money, you should do it for free!" "It took half the time to Rez my husband last time I was here!"

Jackie: *buys leather armour in the market*
Nick Nack: A wise decision my friend. It comes to you from the British Empire across the great sea.
Jackie: Really?
Nick Nack: It has a 'u' in it's name, no?
Jackie: ...fair point.

Scarlet: I'm back!
Merchant: Waaah! Don't do that to me! I thought you were going to do some jobs?
Scarlet: I did. *slams a bag of gold down on the table so hard that it cracks* I did some deliveries.
Merchant: But you were only gone a few seconds!
Scarlet: Yeah. So, anyway, I'll take those shades. Don't bother to wrap them.

Knives: Not a creature was stirring, because that would be silly. What would they stir? They aren't alchemists or cooks!

Yu: There are reasons to sneak away alone. Romancing the tentacle monster is not a good one.

Heal: OH MY CELESTIA IS THAT A BEAR AND A SHARK WHAT THEY HEY?!

Heal: One wish? I don't suppose wishing to set you free would endebt you towards me in gratitude?
Genie: What, and give up my real estate? In this housing market? And don't try that wish-for-more-wishes trick either. The lawyers will never finish with you.

Knives: Knives would like to equip her Knive, if it pleases the court