Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

[Fable Wright]

Hemer: Wait, what? The dull grey Ioun stone requires caster level 12^th to make and all it does is float around your head? THAT'S LESS USEFUL THAN THE BAG OF TRICKS! WHY ISN'T THAT MADE FUN OF INSTEAD OF THE BAG OF TRICKS?

Because at the end of the day, the Bag of Tricks is a cool guy. He laughs at your jokes, pulls some lame pranks, and is great at breaking the ice at parties. Sure, he's the butt monkey, but you know he's okay with it; at the end of the day, he'll still buy you a beer if you're feeling down.

The dull grey ioun stone is just a buzzkill and sits there staring at everyone until they feel awkward. You don't joke about guys like that, you just slowly edge out of the room.

Is that a website on forbidden zebra shamanistic practices? And the ghoul wrote it? How old is this pony?

No, no, it's a textbook. Textbooks have sidebars, too.

Mind you, getting the context from a course helps readability a lot, but I don't think any post-apocalyptic universities still offer FZS-463 anymore.

[comk59]

Had a new session last week. It was a doozie...

Sylvie: I hug the owlbear!

Taren (OOC): That's it, I'm stabbing every treasure chest we find, just out of principal.
Loren (OOC): Don't tell him about dopplegangers.

Dm: ... off in the distance, miles away, a drake circles the mountains.
Rulkrim (player's been distracted): A dragon? I charge it!

Dm: And at the base of the cliff, far below you, is the city Al-Mothgar.
Loren: We're going to drop the mountain on it.
Dm: Wait, the mountain you guys are on?
Loren: Natural 20!

[IntelectPaladin]

Alright, I've got a few more this round:

Me:"Look, I've been hit by a train,
landed on by a falling iron golem,
blasted off a cliff,
had to fight an entire ship's crew,
tossed into the underdark,
had to disguise myself as an orc,
single-handedly had to throw a gnome across an arena, and so on.
But I refuse to be the one to tell your wife you forgot her anniversary.
Messages like this. I mean, why waste the space? Besides, it's fun.
Me: She scares me.
His wife was a dragon, and yes, he was a bard. At least he stuck with her.
Thank you for reading this, and I hope you have a better day!
Also, I think it's high time I mentioned that I leave hidden messages in almost every post I make.

[eru001]

NPC: Hello, we are fishermen here to have a drink at the...
PC: LIKE HELL YOU ARE! POWER ATTACK!
Other PC: GUY'S STOP MURDERING RANDOM PEASANTS IN BOUTS OF SUSPICION! WE LITERALLY JUST FINISHED WITH OUR COURT MARTIAL FOR THIS EXACT THING!

[SpoonR]

I sit down and wait for my legs to grow back.

Who's there?
It's me.
*cue lots of gunfire*

You can't use my knee as a pencil sharpener!

[GrayGriffin]

Jericho: “Can you at least explain why you want me so bad?”
Harpy 2: “Well, originally, it was because he was a human male who looked hale and hearty. So that’s my type.”
Harpy 2: “Now, it’s because you want him. Which means he must be valuable and useful!”
Jemyn Temyta: “What am I, chopped liver?”
* Jemyn Temyta looks down at his (skeletal) hands.
Jemyn Temyta: “Oh right.”

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses

Show

You can't use my knee as a pencil sharpener!

Dry, ashy knees are a common adventurer issue. :3

PC: LIKE HELL YOU ARE! POWER ATTACK!

Ah-hahahaha. I know that kind of player. XD

Mind you, getting the context from a course helps readability a lot, but I don't think any post-apocalyptic universities still offer FZS-463 anymore.

Most aren't even still accredited.

GM: “Strata has a character sheet now.”
Viridia: “Does Viridia's flirting have the secondary power of giving NPCs proper sheets, or do you decide some other way?”
GM: “This is the main modifier, yes. …Also, the likelihood that the party would try to kill them.”

GM: “They probably had sky jails or something.”
Doc: “I wonder if, after the war, the Enclave went around releasing the prison inmates by pulling the cloud floors out. I imagine, with unicorn horns locked down and pegasus wings shackled, that the number of pardons at the end was very low.”
Moon: “Sky Jails? No no no no no. Remember prewar Equestria were the good guys. They just had Pinkie Pie run asylums and reeducation camps.”

Moon: “Well something is coming...eventually. It's pretty slow.”
Doc: “Ain't moving very fast either.”

Strata: “What's your story, Mr. I Have Functioning Prescription Glasses?”
Doc: “Well, I'm a traveling physician from Manehattan, so it's Dr. I Have Functioning Prescription Glasses to my patients.”

Doc: “Personal experience tells me that the medical plan is better in the long run.”
GM: “Due to access to actual healing magic and a presumably benevolent civil service, Equestria presumably had generous medical programs during the war. Having a powerful branch of the government with major interest in advanced healing magics would only assist in that.”
Doc: “And yet no spell with an SPF rating of six billion [against nukes].”

[Beacon of Chaos]

I'm literally crying because of how funny these were. Oh wow those were good times. ^^;
Thank you for the memories.

No problem! Seems like Jackie and Knives got most of the good lines that game. There will be more to come eventually.

Who's there?
It's me.
*cue lots of gunfire*

I feel like this will happen to my group at some point. One character already got shot in the face just because he opened a door.

[goto124]

GM: “Strata has a character sheet now.”
Viridia: “Does Viridia's flirting have the secondary power of giving NPCs proper sheets, or do you decide some other way?”
GM: “This is the main modifier, yes. …Also, the likelihood that the party would try to kill them.”

There's an Oglaf comic strip called Cartomancy, where an oracle makes a visitor choose between only two tarot cards: The Lovers, and Death. Turns out this is the oracle's tactic to get herself laid.

Strata: “What's your story, Mr. I Have Functioning Prescription Glasses?”
Doc: “Well, I'm a traveling physician from Manehattan, so it's Dr. I Have Functioning Prescription Glasses to my patients.”

But are the Functioning Prescription Glasses magic?

[DigoDragon]

No problem! Seems like Jackie and Knives got most of the good lines that game. There will be more to come eventually.

I look forward to more! :D
Knives became something else later in this adventure. Like a... demigod of cutlery. And bass.

There's an Oglaf comic strip called Cartomancy, where an oracle makes a visitor choose between only two tarot cards: The Lovers, and Death. Turns out this is the oracle's tactic to get herself laid.

Huh, that's one way to work the system.

But are the Functioning Prescription Glasses magic?

I wish.

[ZeroGear]

(In the original FA:E, being a toaster repair pony meant something vastly different)

Vick: "So, how are we going to ambush the drake?"
Xaltaer: "I hear they like maidens?"
Lance: *Pulls out a pink dress* "Terra, here, put this on!"
Terra: "Why? Also, I don't think that'll fit."
Lance: "Don't worry, it's enchanted to change size."
Samson: "Why do you even have that?"
Lance: "Got it from a costume shop after I won an invitation to a party on Booty Island. Would have gone well if the damned mutt hadn't sniffed out all the stuff I stole while there."

Sanson: "So, how are we getting into the camp?"
Vick: "Same way we got into the castle."
Lance: "Won't work. We don't have a ballista."
Vick: "No, but we have Thud."
Lance: "...dammit."

Thud: "Thud find this strange. Thud used to throwing rocks, not little man."
Xaltaer: "Well, he's got rock for brains."
Lance: "HEY!"

Vick: So the plan is to throw Lance over the wall and have him unlock the gate from the inside.
DM: Let me get my chart of 'objects characters can hit'.
Vick: ...you have a chart for that?

Thud: *throws Lance over the wall*
DM: *rolls dice* according to the chart, Lance lands in a wagon full of hay.
Thud: "Thud have good aim!"

Hobgoblin guard: "Hey! What are you doing here?"
Lance: :Uh...Hey Look! A three-headded monkey!" *Nat 20 bluff*
Hobgoblin: "Where?" *turns around*
Lance: *runs*
DM: I can't believe that actually worked.

[Beacon of Chaos]

From tonight's session:

Edward (OOC): *upon arriving late* I'm not dead!
Later...
GM: This is the first time I've killed anyone this campaign.
Edward (Dead): I'm so pleased for you. Congratulations.

GM (at least once a session): You realise now that this may not have been your best plan.

Edward: Let the record state: Balls.

GM: Josephine is getting ready for dinner with the creepy prince, Edward is being attacked, what are you up to, Scamp?
Scamp: I'm at the party having the time of my life!
Josephine: Are you boozing it up without us?
Scamp: I'm twelve, I don't think they'd let me drink.
GM: No, no, this is France, it's fine.
Scamp: Well in that case I'll have some of that gluvine!

Jospehine: I bet they're building some sort of Frankenstein's musician.
Scamp: Ugh.
Edward: I hope not.
Later...
GM: You now realise what's been bothering you about the automatons' eyes: They're not made of glass like the rest; they're real.
All: Ah, crap.

GM: As the automaton attemps to throw you out of the window, you notice a fancy car has pulled up outside.
Josephine: Yes. That is definitely my most pressing concern right now. What kind of car they have.

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

GM: You now realise what's been bothering you about the automatons' eyes: They're not made of glass like the rest; they're real.

Now that is a cool-creepy reveal!! :D

(In the original FA:E, being a toaster repair pony meant something vastly different)

Oh?

Thud: "Thud have good aim!"

Lance: :Uh...Hey Look! A three-headded monkey!" *Nat 20 bluff*

I love when the dice play along to make the narrative shine like awesome. :D

Strata: “So, what are you going to do if there's ponies slumming it down here? Will you make them move out, or will you just kill them and take their stuff?”
Doc: “Well, those ideas are probably our Plan A and Plan B, respectively.”

GM: “You could hit two birds with one stone, and then have those two birds resurrected to torment your enemies by having the undead avians pelt rocks at them.”
Doc: “Um... sure, I'll put ‘Acquire Zombie Crows’ on the list of considerations for later.”

GM: “If it's closer to Manehatten, it would certainly make Choro's travels up to this point less roundabout.”
Choro: “Hey, it’s not Choro's fault she was trying to find her way with the old show map! (It was mine, as her player, but still).”

Viridia: “Dibs on the knife. Martha needs a friend who understands her.”

GM: “Oh, and happy Father's Day, Doc.”
Viridia: “I didn't know you were Doc’s son, GM.”
Doc: “If he is, then I'm really behind on his birthday presents.”

[goto124]

(In the original FA:E, being a toaster repair pony meant something vastly different)

Like a snake herder, I presume?

Strata: “So, what are you going to do if there's ponies slumming it down here? Will you make them move out, or will you just kill them and take their stuff?”
Doc: “Well, those ideas are probably our Plan A and Plan B, respectively.”

Will they refer to Plan B as Murder the Hobos? *bam dum tss*

Viridia: “Dibs on the knife. Martha needs a friend who understands her.”

What is Martha Stewart doing here? :o

[Fable Wright]

Like a snake herder, I presume?

Connotations significantly closer to a 'plumber'. In at least three different ways. Save the kingdom, your go-to fake job when asked why you're loitering, and the connotation that first jumped to Digo's head.

[DigoDragon]

Will they refer to Plan B as Murder the Hobos? *bam dum tss*

Hee hee. Cookie for that one. :3

What is Martha Stewart doing here? :o

*snerk* Decorating better homes and gardens.
Nah, Martha is the name of Viridia's switchblade. She's started to collect the fancy edged implements. Ones with names are particularly valuable (and might have bonus abilities!)

Save the kingdom, your go-to fake job when asked why you're loitering, and the connotation that first jumped to Digo's head.

I'm guilty of at least two of those.

[AdmiralCheez]

Mordai: I can't wait to see something come out of that hole!


Julio: How gobbled am I?
DM: Remember that scene in Men in Black?


Mordai: Let's steal the ice giant egg!
DM: An ice giant egg would probably just hatch an uncomfortably tall dwarf, now that I think about it.


Mordai: Let's give it a wide girth!
Finley: I think it already has a wide girth.
DM: I was looking for a way to twist that around; thank you.


DM: Goatillery.

[DigoDragon]

DM: Goatillery.

Hee hee. DM said goat.


Viridia: “I wonder if there's anything good in these old desks that we never really check. Probably just boring files about life before **** went down, but you just know somepony's hiding some Gentleponies' Special Interests magazines in their office.”
Strata: “Ah, 'Gentleponies'. Good to see that ponies today still have open minds.”
Viridia: “Sure do. Lots of 'em are eager to open your mind, too.” (mimics the action of loading a rifle)

Doc: “Blackmail needs a good bit of research and setup to make it profitable. Thus far robbery and murder seem like easier investments.”

Viridia: “Also, since when does taking a nap hide you from the Pipbuck? Andante isn't hidden.”
GM: “There are three possibilities as to why-”
Picard: “There are FOUR REASONS.”
GM: “-as to why Viridia's coming up as two people in one place; a breezie hiding in Viridia's hair is of them, but she isn't the reason in this case.”
Viridia: “Whut. I only know of Andante and the voice in Viridia's head.”
Moon: “Well that counts as two people. There we go.”

Strata: “Hey, I'm getting a buzz.” *proceeds to stare at the potted plant for a solid thirty seconds*
Doc: “While Buzz Ghouldrin is in orbit, I’ll go unlock the other five offices. If anyone wants to prospect for useful goods, feel free.”
Choro: “Sure! I'm here to help. Should I be looking for anything in particular?”
Strata: “Drugs, you should find drugs.”
Choro: “Okay!” *Trots into an office and rummages around*
[Beat]
Choro: *Comes back out* “What do drugs look like? Boxes or something? Just pills?”

[OctoberRaven]

"And then I'll start eating the angel's heart right there."

"Fly like an angel! Don't worry, after this, I'll have reached my daily protein!"

[KnotKnormal]

Terkin: I'm only going to tell you this once. Take off, my pants.

Corvin: Haven't you people ever heard of, closing the god damn door? *slams door* some people have no poise or rationality.

Aiden: Is he wearing a red shirt?

Terkin: Is there any way to appeal the court decision against him?
NPC: unfortunately no.
Corvin: I am curious, what route does the prison bus usually take?
NPC: I'm not sure i like where that question is headed
Terkin: on an unrelated note. How well is the prison staffed?

[Beacon of Chaos]

Knives: As they say, it was not in the cards. Except, you know, it was. Because, literal cards. But you get it.

Merchant: I take it you're not the technical type of pony. How much experience do you have with tesla-powered objects?
Jackie: Well, I once threw a pair o' goggles at a friend from across a canal filled with tentacles.

Yu Every Adventurer Ever: I'll just rush ahead into danger, since there aren't any consequences to my actions right now!

Yu: Yeah, I hope we never meet that [trap].
Jackie: Shhh! The cards can hear you!

Knives The Princess Cutlery Du'Pony III: *grinning like a madpony* I'm a Princess~!
Jackie: What's a princess? Is that like a captain's private wench?
Knives The Princess Cutlery Du'Pony III: What? No! Well, maybe, actually, but No! A princess is a captain's captain! An Admiral! A rear admiral, that is, an admiral of plots, because they are the ones to get the wenches! oh, um. That is... Do you not read literature?

Narration: The floor disappeared. This frustrated Scarlet immensely, as it was the kind of problem you couldn't stab, shoot, or punch away.

Jackie: Come on, Science Sword! Our princess is in another kraken!

Jackie: Phew! If it weren't for Science, that might have been a pickle.

[Asmodean_]

Amnestria: Many things like nom nom
So writing her as this harebrained is completely justified

Tristan (on sex reassignment surgery): Also do you think the zombies do it on the NHS?
DM: Damned zombies coming over here and taking all our jobs!

Vergil: ...unless the owl falls over and turns into a horse.

Tristan (5th level fighter): It's almost as if I'm not a spellcaster.

Vergil: I can't believe you're turning me into a missing-with-scorching-ray hipster!
DM: ...what?
Vergil: This necromancer is missing everything with his scorching rays. I've been doing that for days before it was cool?
DM: It's literally a line of fire. It's never cool.

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

"And then I'll start eating the angel's heart right there."

Eww. At least cook it first. O.o

Terkin: on an unrelated note. How well is the prison staffed?

Unrelated you say? Hmmm.

Jackie: Well, I once threw a pair o' goggles at a friend from across a canal filled with tentacles.

The lack of context makes this one a gem. XD

Vergil: ...unless the owl falls over and turns into a horse.

...that sounds very inconvenient.

Doc: “The most difficult part of Doc's strange spirit roadie is that the only other person to have seen it is a drug addict who isn't even sure his own hooves exist or have been replaced with lobsters.”

GM: “Choro's listening to an earth pony and pegasus talk about how unicorns are OP, plz nerf.”
Doc: “That's not correct. The earth pony and pegasus are discussing how they want in on the fancy spellcasting.”
Moon: “Moonshadow would be all about pegasus pride if she were there, but she's too busy playing Metal Gear Solid, The Phantom Pony.”

Viridia: “I've mostly been focusing on opportunities to interrogate Ghoul Waifu #2.”
Moon: “Is Fan Knife, or Stitcheart #1?”
Viridia: “Fan Knife. Although her title is Knaifu.”

Moon: “And there aren't exactly a lot of lampreys in the sky.”

Viridia: “Just so I know, what are the plot hooks we have hanging right now? As in, urgent things? We've got the squatters thing, and the emergency in Oakvile...”
Moon: “The research Stitcheart wants us to pick up. The Meat Factory. Whatever is haunting Doc.”
GM: “Hauntings are a bit more long term, alas.”
Doc: “So what kind of dark powers would Doc have gotten if he accepted the pact? Force lightning? Second Sight? The ability to program the clock on a VCR?”

[Illven]

Spoiler: Evil campaign.

Show

Before DM is even there.

Michel (OOC) damnit, shiela

Michel (OOC) does he actually do anything either way?

Michel (OOC) It's a bull**** elemental

Nicky (OOC) HOW DARE YOU FEED YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY LATE GM!

Nicky (OOC) I can move three creatures, faster then the GM moves one

Chris (OOC) it's only obscene because none of you were prepared for such a fight
Chris (OOC) I made sure of that
Nicky (OOC) That's terrible dm'ing

Michel (plot twist: it was the camels!)
Chris (GM): The whirlwind leans towards the carriage and arms reach out at the camels.
Michel omg, I called it...? what?!

Michel "Yeah, they're actually Lame-ias"

Michel "Are we taking her alive? I feel like our prisoner count is already taxing enough"

Lamia "shiela be a dear and kill the loudmouth for me"
Shiela (OOC) "No that will kill me."

[bulbaquil]

GM: "Oh, crap, now I have to remember your shadows exist. I have to remember for a really long time. And now they are shadows with guns."

Rogue: "I don't think he's thinking with portals."
Wizard: "I don't think I'm thinking."
GM: "...So you just come out of the hole like a normal person."

[goto124]

Eww. At least cook it first. O.o

I doubt anyone with the [something] to eat hearts cares about cooking them first

Doc: “The most difficult part of Doc's strange spirit roadie is that the only other person to have seen it is a drug addict who isn't even sure his own hooves exist or have been replaced with lobsters.”

The one with creepy red eyes that gave -1 Luck?

Viridia: “I've mostly been focusing on opportunities to interrogate Ghoul Waifu #2.”
Moon: “Is Fan Knife, or Stitcheart #1?”
Viridia: “Fan Knife. Although her title is Knaifu.”

There're already two Ghoul Waifus!

Doc: “So what kind of dark powers would Doc have gotten if he accepted the pact? Force lightning? Second Sight? The ability to program the clock on a VCR?”

What's a VCR? *googles* WHAT IS THIS OLD TECHNOLOGY?

[DigoDragon]

Michel "Yeah, they're actually Lame-ias"

Classic lame pun is classic. :3

GM: "...So you just come out of the hole like a normal person."

I don't know why I laughed as loud as I did.
Or what to tell my friend who is wondering why I laughed that loudly.

The one with creepy red eyes that gave -1 Luck?

Yeah, that creature. Apparently it's still following Doc, though it hasn't been making its presence known for quite some time (thankfully). Doc has almost forgotten about it. He just met another shaman though, and this one isn't drug-addled, so maybe he'll get some more info soon about it.

What's a VCR? *googles* WHAT IS THIS OLD TECHNOLOGY?

Well now I feel dated. XD

[goto124]

He just met another shaman though, and this one isn't drug-addled, so maybe he'll get some more info soon about it.

Just when I thought drug addlement was a requirement for shamanism..

[DigoDragon]

Just when I thought drug addlement was a requirement for shamanism..

Well, the second shaman is deathly skinny so... don't toss your headcanon out yet. We could be surprised. XD

[Grim Portent]

I doubt anyone with the [something] to eat hearts cares about cooking them first

I eat hearts on occasion, venison mostly. They're very nice, surprisingly tender. They taste like Bambi's tears.