101 Bad Hirelings

[Joe the Rat]

Greetings all,

My players, in addition to having a team of "troubleshooting experts" (the PCs) are operating a little mercenary business on the side. As their supply of mercenaries is dwindling (the Necromancer says it was natural causes), they will need to bring in some new hirelings.

Now I already have a few competent characters, and a new PC to bring in. But as this is a (on paper) comedic game, I'd like to throw a bunch of quirky, strange, incompetent, or flat out wrong applicants at them to make a proper Bad Hires Montage. So I figure the Playground would be able to come up with a few ideas I could use - and might find them useful as well.

System neutral, I'm looking for a name, a description, what their schtick is (infantry, scout, archer, etc, or what they did before they decided to be hirelings), and a trait or quirk that makes them not the best choice for a troop of sellswords. Bad jokes and gaming / pop culture references appreciated.

For a starter:

1. Gord the Vegetable Farmer. He's confident, and pretty good with a pitchfork, but all he talks about is farming and the different kinds of squash he grows.

2. Cheech the Gnomish Gongfarmer.

So whatcha got?

[Thrudd]

Greetings all,

My players, in addition to having a team of "troubleshooting experts" (the PCs) are operating a little mercenary business on the side. As their supply of mercenaries is dwindling (the Necromancer says it was natural causes), they will need to bring in some new hirelings.

Now I already have a few competent characters, and a new PC to bring in. But as this is a (on paper) comedic game, I'd like to throw a bunch of quirky, strange, incompetent, or flat out wrong applicants at them to make a proper Bad Hires Montage. So I figure the Playground would be able to come up with a few ideas I could use - and might find them useful as well.

System neutral, I'm looking for a name, a description, what their schtick is (infantry, scout, archer, etc, or what they did before they decided to be hirelings), and a trait or quirk that makes them not the best choice for a troop of sellswords. Bad jokes and gaming / pop culture references appreciated.

For a starter:

1. Gord the Vegetable Farmer. He's confident, and pretty good with a pitchfork, but all he talks about is farming and the different kinds of squash he grows.

2. Cheech the Gnomish Gongfarmer.

So whatcha got?

What you need for this is a random tables. Have one table for their class/job (archer, infantry etc). Then think up a series of former professions for another table, a series of personality traits for another, a table of appearance descriptions, and also roll for race and gender. Roll on each table and get a bunch of random weird combinations of stuff.

[Hoosigander]

3. Brother Barnabas the hypochondriac cleric: His hypochondria extends to others as well, not only does he horde healing spells to treat himself, he also diagnoses the PCs with illnesses they don't have.

4.Quartermaster Milos: Inspired by Milo Minderbinder from Catch-22, Quartermaster Milos is in charge of supplying the mercenary company, but he abuses his position to run hilariously over-complicated war profiteering schemes.

5. Friedrich the fashionable mercenary: Friedrich may not be a dangerous fighter, but with his puff-and-slash sleeves, particolored hose and enormous hats, he sure looks the part. Friedrich is always in the vanguard, at least when there's an opportunity to pillage the enemy baggage train for more cloth.

[nedz]

6. Ernest the Sorcerer with Tourettes.
Under moments of stress spontaneously fireballs people - randomly.

7. Snowflake the Kender Wizard.
Likes Glitterbombing people to make them pretty. Fights last longer when everyone is blind anyway.

8. Villa
Highly skilful doorman and safe cracker - can open any lock.
Flees at the first sign of trouble.

9. Avon
Master conman and thief - likes putting others down with sarcasm.

[arclance]

10. Uglor the Smugglor: Half-Troll Boatman who offers suspiciously good rates for rides on his river boat. Wanted for smuggling (cheese) in most of the area but is unaware of this fact himself. Has a face that just can't be hidden with a disguise.

[Kareeah_Indaga]

11.) Healer who faints at the sight of blood.
12.) Fighter-type who is violently allergic to undead, to the point that the players could use him as a zombie detector by paying attention to when he starts sneezing. (Possibly make it actually a mold allergy, so you can throw the players for a loop with spoiled food once in a while.)

[ExLibrisMortis]

13. Boris the Bad Druid. Insists everything he summons is not dead. It's not dead, it's just an ex-parrot!

[Brookshw]

14. Have you read any discworld novels? Those.

15. Ggnome: gnomish explorer extraordinaire, out to map everything in minute detail.

16. Corp. Dint. Foul smelling but diligent, follows orders as literally as possible. Literally. Man lives and breathes quoting operational manuals.

17. Scarty Kat: never heard the meaning of "backbone", run from his own shadow if he could. Works wonders as a canary in the mine.

18. We call him cheffy: damned if we know what he's cooking, damned if we know where he got the ingredients, even a tonges (tounges?) spell cant pierce his overly thick vernacular/homespun analogies/absurd accent. But hey, the foods edible and only smells like old boot 75% of the time. We don't talk about the other 25%.

19. Fengle: strongest kobold in the world. He's a goon, a mook, a meathead. Better home he likes you.

20. Treginald (the T is silent): a proper british chap not afraid of the ol' dust up or to give johnny over there whatfor. Unflappable. Bloody useless aside from brazen courage (probably born from ignorance)

[TeChameleon]

If you haven't read the Nodwick comic (starting here), it's a good (and highly entertaining) spot to start. To blatantly steal a few from its run-

- The Destiny Sponge: S/he's clever, competent, observant and has more than his/her share of common sense (aside, maybe, from their choice of career); too bad that the universe itself seems to have it in for them. Monsters seem to find them irresistably tasty, they always somehow find themselves standing between the party and the source of damage when a trap or explosion goes off, and, well, basically anything that can go wrong, does go wrong... and it hits them first. Sadly for this poor soul, their contract is so ironclad that death itself can't get them out of it, and so they stoically hench on after the cleric has resurrected them. Again.

- The Cleric of Sunshine, Rainbows, Happiness and Puppies: Usually female, this perky ball of good cheer and radiant healing is an unstoppable dynamo against the forces of naughtiness, and can keep the party going long after they should have dropped. Of course, the flipside of this is that she's naive, easily shocked and even more easily distracted, with a tendency to stomp out of stealth (completely hosing the party's careful plan) to deliver a stern lecture to the perpetrators of evil... one which will often be finished, thanks to the sheer startlement of said perpetrators. Of course, they'll then promptly try to kill her, but it's the thought that counts, right..? Should the usual antics of the PCs manage to pierce her armour of naivetee (and possibly denial >.>), they'll find themselves on the receiving end of the finger-wagging, tongue-lashing lecture, which should invoke some fairly heavy feelings of guilt in them. Also makes some of the finest cookies in the known universe, to the point that the gods themselves will descend when she's baking, in hopes of being able to lick the bowl and/or cadge a few.

- The Skiving Cheerleader: Will cheer on any idea the PCs might have, (the more wrongheaded and idiotic, the better) lauding them to the skies for their brilliance, good looks, and charisma. Always read to bolster the PC's egos, but completely devoid of common sense, morals, good taste, or anything even faintly resembling a work ethic; he may be there to be a hireling, but you'll never catch him doing anything remotely resembling the work he was hired to do. Of course, he's such a nice guy that you can't really get too mad at him for shirking a little, every once in a while, right?

- Only Two Days from Retirement: This is the hireling's last job before they settle in on a nice little plot of land that they've saved up for, and built a cozy cottage on for them and their sweetheart, and they're planning on bouncing their grandchildren on their knee while they watch the sun set and drink a nice cuppa. They're only taking this one on so that they have a little rainy-day cash. Of course, when this trope runs into the Destiny Sponge and a cleric with Raise Dead, it can get rather interesting. You could probably make a monster stand twitching like a ball bearing caught between two electromagnets of identical power if you placed the Retiree and the Destiny Sponge equidistant from it...

[AceOfFools]

24. Tiny: a halfling out to prove you don't need strength to be a Barbarian. Wields a heavy axe.

25. Ebony Dark'ness: emo with obvious and creepy fetish for the undead.

26. Bonnie the Bard: has no ranks in perform, but can sing really loud.

27. Fat Bill: spends the intetview alterating between chewing with his mouth open and asking for more food.

28. Lucky Bill: 3-legged, but otherwise ordinary, mundabe rabbit. Doesn't understand human speech.

[Strigon]

Spoiler: 29

Show

[Draconi Redfir]

30) Yvijuxoork Vnapfnt the Gnomish Cleric of chaos.
Before she dedicated her life to chaos and anarchy, "Yivi" was a common gnome in a heavily regulated Gnomish sttlement. She got bored of that, and ran away, finding her now trusty Anarchic shortspear along side of the road, Yivi dedicated her life to the forces of chaos, depending on random chance and rolls of the die to determine her actions. Her first impression uppon meeting the PC's? Punching them square in the jaw because a dice told her too.


31) Bill Expenda the human citizen:
Bill hates his father, Bill Sr. So he needs to do something that will REALLY get back at him! The perfect job? why ADVENTURING of course! He has weapon profficency "dagger" and nothing else.

32)Grak togo the Goblin barbarian.
With a strength score of 4, and an intelligence of 25, this raging munchkin will give your enemies a beatdown in Ergonomics!

33)Sally forthwright the Preistess:
The perfect healer! She can do it all, cure poision, cure disease, cure wounds, cause wounds, raise dead, reanimate the dead, a true prodedgy in everything! Buuut she can't work weekends, wednesdays, anytime monday, tuesday, or thursday between 1am and 11pm, she's completely booked on friday, and if you don't wear an outfit worth at least ten grand in gold peices you shouldn't really bother.

[trikkydik]

34.) Cosmo Kramer the Bard who used to play music for royalty in the highest reaches of the kingdom. He has good combat ability and is well adept with spells also. He has a drug addiction that he tells no one about, and is also the reason he got kicked out of the band, and was ultimately reduced to becoming a sell sword.

Upon first interview he seems lively and happy, (Because hes sober enough to perform well in the job interview.) but the more he gets put in the spot light, and the more tasks he is given. The quicker everyone finds out hes a useless drunk/drugee. He is the most inconsistent sell sword in the history of the kingdoms.

He is also quick to "sell out" any members of his team to make a quick buck or get a good high. (He could sell the secrets of your PC's operations)

Ultimately hes the worst employee ever. Hes the guy who unsuspectingly brings down the whole operation in a blaze of frustration and loathing.

[Madbox]

35. Sir Axle the Paladin of Hedonism. This guy is devoted to the cause of hedonism. Drugs, booze? Yes please! Good thing he's immune to disease, because he hangs out in the cheapest brothel in town. Always wants more money, because hookers and blow don't pay for themselves.

[LadyFoxfire]

Buckethead. So phenomenally ugly that he wears a bucket with eyeholes over his head at all times. Nobody has ever seen what he looks like, and that's probably for the best.

[Lvl 2 Expert]

37 Sonar. An overall moderately competent scout who's literally very good at listening. Hears everything. Not known for his ability to keep secrets.

38 Sir Ian of Rhensworth. A knight among knights. Strong, brave, even sort of clever. Every now and then yells "yolo!" and does somethig random. Well, it's generally just one of the least helpful things to do, but he insists it is random.

39 Melina Rosegarten. Very competent nature caster in all regards. Also a nymph, she can't set foot outside of the large elven forest she lives in and will only be able to use a few remote spells through her scrying pond when the party goes adventuring in the rest of the world.

40 Nobody. Insists she isn't here. Also, totally not taking the last piece of dwarven ale cake. Because she couldn't do that if she wasn't here, could she? Wears a black cloak as a disguide, in the middle of the day, no stealth ability whatsoever. Does not seem interested in the job at all.

[smmahoney21]

41: Ignar the Expert Engineer. Hailing from a proud warrior culture; Ignar was banished for being unable to talk about his passion: engineering. He will interrupt any serious or emotional conversation to interject a 10 minute tirade on building improvements to the aqueduct system of the town etc. Other NPCs caught in a conversation with him will try and dump him on the player.

42: Thalnor the Merchant: A half-orc merchant, Thalnor deals in one thing and one thing only: Javelins. He uses his hand crafted javelins as currency and gets the wood to make them from whatever is lying around: chairs, tables, etc.

[Erth16]

43. Celice, He believes himself to be the chosen one, and insists that once he mounts his trusty steed he will be a terror on the battlefield, which he really will be. Now if he knew where his steed was. He refuses to ride any horse but his and during his interview he is eating glue, made from his steed.

[Raimun]

44. The Sandwich Artisan.

The true master of his extremely narrow specialization. At the exclusion of any other kind of talent.

[goto124]

What does he think when he hears someone say "woman, go make me a sandwich"?

[Madbox]

44. The Sandwich Artisan.

The true master of his extremely narrow specialization. At the exclusion of any other kind of talent.

45. The Barista

Like the sandwich artisan, but with hot caffinated drinks.

[GAZ]

46) Freegyurch, the gnoll hunstman who doesn't understand that humans can't eat meat that's been left to "ripen" in the midden for a while. Smells somehow worse than you're imagining.

47) Tuskmind, the incredibly sharp ogre diplomat. Absolutely convinced of his "fin'd ess" and believes that because he's smart and subtle compared to his ogre relatives that he's smart and subtle on an absolute level.

38) Brian, the wizard intern. Can't actually cast spells yet. Only here because his master said he needed some field experience before letting his graduate wizard college. Easily winded despite signing on as a porter.

39) Teflab, the gnome historian. World renowned expert of one specific region's specific era in time. Knows just enough about everything else to sound like he knows what he's talking about when he really hasn't a clue.

40) Venycia, the naturalist. Constantly distracted by planar beings, dragons, monsters, beasts, humanoids, humans, animals, bugs, plants, fungi, and molds. Kinda grimey. Actually puts her finger into peoples' mouths when she does that "one more minute" sign when they need her to do something other than complete her current sketch.

[carebear]

51 Shawn the well seasoned adventurer has a bunch of cursed weapons (knowingly, or unknowingly) that can only be given to someone else.

52 Tom the well seasoned adventurer, has one of those dungeon diseases that is contagious

53 Uncle Vas the well seasoned adventurer has that greater bestow curse (epic) on him

54 Walt the well seasoned adventurer is venerable

55 Xenith the well seasoned adventurer, Frenzied Berzerker (he isnt allowed in the bar,guild,whatever)

56 Yenez the well seasoned adventurer, whats that class that casts evocation damage burst spells on itself?

57 Zel the well seasoned adventurer a guy that made pact magic /w a devil, or screwed over some wealthy family, or screwed over an assassin cult.

[Jay R]

58 & 59. Felix and Doli: two dwarves who will serve you in hopes that you will lead them to revenge against the orc tribe that murdered their five brothers. [You need to know a couple of languages to recognize their names as “Happy” and “Grumpy”.]

[Lord Raziere]

60. A Dragon-Blooded Immaculate Master who thinks he is being recruited to join a circle of "Anathema" in rebellion against the Scarlet empire he used to serve. Doesn't realize he is the wrong world/game.

61. tough competent looking swordsman....who doesn't speak any languages you know.

62. a person from Athas who is excited, happy and constantly babbling about the abundant wildlife and greenery around him, thinking that this world is a harmless paradise, with all the results you can expect from such an assumption

63. Frodo expy. is completely useless, not doing anything while the ring he has slowly corrupts and turns him evil, at times speaking in a creepy whisper

64. some faction person from Planescape. Holds to his factions philosophy above all else, no matter what. can't seem to figure out anything else to talk about.

65. evil warforged who constantly refers to all the humanoids around him as "meatbag", smart mouthed, sassy, snarky and all around sociopathic. comes in HK-47 and Bender models.

66. a fire genasi who can't control her flames and keeps setting fire to everything she touches. Is a bit of a klutz, and her chief interest is wood carving.

[Strigon]

65. evil warforged who constantly refers to all the humanoids around him as "meatbag", smart mouthed, sassy, snarky and all around sociopathic. comes in HK-47 and Bender models.

It strikes me that giving your players the option to hire HK-47 under the assumption that they won't may be a bad idea.

[Spamotron]

67. A kobold who is a brilliant master trapsmith. Incredibly speciest towards non-kobolds. Nasty habit of using slurs instead of names. Partly a fun thought exercise for what the draconic kobolds use as slurs and insults for the mostly mammalian PHB races.

68. Awakened/intelligent zombie. Polite and an excellent conversationalist. Acts as a completely tireless porter. Has picked up countless useful skills over decades of unlife. Has one of those rotting/toxic zombie templates. Smells worse than you can imagine.

[Lvl 2 Expert]

69 Thaco Eleven. Dwarven paladin of a mortality goddess. Believes that we must all show bravery and strength of character through not using armor, dodging or anything else that prevents us from getting hit. If it's our time it's our time.

70 Halfbow. Lizardfolk ranger/hunter/tracker/something who swears by using the lightest possible bows for maximum precision, which then continue to predictably break (2D6 breaks on 2 for every shot he fires). Carries several spares and has ranks in craft (bow), but still generally runs out of bows before running out of arrows. The problem gets worse if his strength ever goes up.

71 The Hero of Dumpelo. Known far and wide. Always alert, always ready, always enjoying the safety of his own house. Gives out the best of advice when contacted through sending spells.

72 Leeroy Jenkiiiiiiiiins! Actually the perfect meat shield warrior. Will still be turned down based on his name and that suspicious little boost in move speed.

73 Bas Boevertoorn. A young minotaur with a Bachelor of Applied Druidology. If you ever need a spell, he can definitely get used to all the necessary equipment and research it in a week or two.

74 Fireman Joe. A brave commoner who has saved his city several times. Fights side by side with a war pony he is too large to ride, is on speaking terms with a flock of pegasi and carries a knife made of a dragons tooth. But despite all his adventures Joe never forgot where his roots lay. A horrible soldier.

[hymer]

75: Horatio the Hard of Hearing. Speaks a tad loudly. When asked a question, he always replies with 'What?'. If asked again, he'll reply with 'I don't know', because he still couldn't hear what was said, but got tired of the whole back and forth.

[carebear]

76 The necromancer. The one that said all the other mercenaries died of natural causes. PLUS, he substitutes as a cleric, well kinda.