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  1. - Top - End - #31
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    77: John "Hangman" Jones, human bandit. His mates always told him he was born to hang, so he figures that he's pretty much invincible to any non-strangulation related damage.

    78: Hathruvex, Half-Dragon cleric. Worships a god of law with an extremely convoluted holy text and endless volumes of interpretation. He's brought along a follower of his own, to carry the several dozen books that his contract fills.
    Avatar courtesy of Kaariane!

  2. - Top - End - #32
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Ninja_Prawn's Avatar

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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    79. Tavari, pixie life coach. Follows you around, offering advice on how to do everything, but always has some kind of excuse for why she can't do anything herself.

    80. Ioria, elven youth. Completely ordinary young woman with no dungeoneering skills whatsoever. Insists on going on every adventure because she's in love with one of your other hirelings.
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  3. - Top - End - #33
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    81) An elvish "boy detective" who's older than everyone else in the party

    82.) A cleric of Olidammara (or other god of rogues) who is under a vow to smoke weed every day, is emcumbered by the large stone tablets and/or gold plates he wears as medallions, and speaks in aphorisms culled from rap songs.
    "If you want to understand biology don't think about vibrant throbbing gels and oozes, think about information technology" -Richard Dawkins

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  4. - Top - End - #34
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    83. Chad the Edgelord - Won't actually do any carrying of bags saying it's "Half orc work." Constantly makes racist, sexist, and homophobic statements and says he's just "politically incorrect", and will not shut up about pay gaps not existing. Wears a trilby, calls it a "fedora" and has flame patters on his tunic.

    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    44. The Sandwich Artisan.

    The true master of his extremely narrow specialization. At the exclusion of any other kind of talent.
    Arthur Dent?
    Last edited by Stealth Marmot; 2017-03-21 at 01:22 PM.
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    "Insert God Name"'s + "Insert Offensive Body Part".
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    It is always ok to start in a tavern.
    as long as the tavern is ON FIRE.
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  5. - Top - End - #35
    Troll in the Playground
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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    Quote Originally Posted by Bohandas View Post
    81) An elvish "boy detective" who's older than everyone else in the party
    84. A Jonny Quest expy, complete with Hadji, Dr Quest and Race Bannon tagging along.

    85. The Scooby Gang expies: The "alchemist" druid Shaggor with an awakened dog animal companion Dubert (read it like you're French), the wizard Wilhemina, Deidre the rogue, and Francis the paladin.

    86: And odd couple expy, Bert and Ernie are one example, Jay and Silent Bob are another. Not in a relationship with each other, but definitely inseparable.
    Last edited by Beleriphon; 2017-03-21 at 03:13 PM. Reason: number correction

  6. - Top - End - #36
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Bohandas's Avatar

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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    87.) an elven counterfeiter

    88.) the crossdressing lumberjack from monty python's flying circus

    89.) a lizardman badly disguised as a human

    90.) a misanthropic dog-obsessed druid based loosely on the eccentric greek philosopher Diogenes of Sinope

    91.) a druid of olidammara who goes on and on and on about smokable plants

    92.) a stone giant bard who wears a full sized grandfather clock as a medallion around his neck
    Last edited by Bohandas; 2017-03-21 at 03:32 PM.
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  7. - Top - End - #37
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    I want Grak togo the Goblin barbarian in my team right now: he is way cooler than any normal barbarian.

  8. - Top - End - #38
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    92. Untrustworthy Doug - totally promises you to help move a couch, but always backs out.

  9. - Top - End - #39
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    93: Greg :A healer with a drinking problem - a hateful sociopath when sober, due to past trauma. Useless when drunk. Very competent if you can hit the very narrow middle ground.
    Last edited by Braininthejar2; 2017-03-21 at 04:50 PM.

  10. - Top - End - #40
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Bohandas's Avatar

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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    95.) Sausage maker who is confused with a witch due to the strong overlap of ingredients between witches' brews and hotdogs

    96.) Just out of rehab for addiction to magical jewelry/rings

    97.) hireling's good attitude is a result of addiction to potions of good hope
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  11. - Top - End - #41
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    98: A bunch of soldiers in splint mails, talking in strange accent. Claim to be from Rome, wherever that is, but apparently lost their army, and then the rest of the legion. Competent fighters, but no sense of direction whatsoever.

  12. - Top - End - #42
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    99: Joe the Magnificent Wizard! He can pull rabbits out of his hat. And not much else.
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  13. - Top - End - #43
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Coventry's Avatar

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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    100. Francis, eldest son of the local crime boss. He's on the payroll, or else. He never shows up, but his time card always shows that he's working.

    101. Niven. Actually someone else, hiding from Johnny Law and/or his former partners in crime under an assumed identity.

  14. - Top - End - #44
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Lord Ruby34's Avatar

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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    Eventually, my party is going to need to hire an airship crew. This will be an absolutely wonderful well of ideas.

  15. - Top - End - #45
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    RedKnightGirl

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    d6 Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    Quote Originally Posted by LadyFoxfire View Post
    Buckethead. So phenomenally ugly that he wears a bucket with eyeholes over his head at all times. Nobody has ever seen what he looks like, and that's probably for the best.
    otherwiseknown as Cobra Commander! !
    9 wisdom true neutral cleric you know you want me in your adventuring party


  16. - Top - End - #46
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Bohandas's Avatar

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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    102.) a town watchman named John Law
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  17. - Top - End - #47
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Kobold

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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    103. Pee Ci of Arr Nienkay-a sociopath suffering from autism, he tends to stab things with no provocation, fixate on the most pointless things, and has no social skills beyond insulting people with racial and gender slurs.

    104. Failfail-a kobold with a Str of 1, burdened with 300 lb. of gear.

    105. Flop the Polf-a wizard with Int 3, he believes himself the greatest wizard of all time. He comes from an entire clan of Polfs, all with the worst stats possible for their classes.

    Lib Ido-a cunning lass who is steadfastly loyal and extremely competent...unless you happen to be fighting hulking, muscular men...or handsome lads with charming smiles...or well-educated gentlemen...or anything with a Y-chromosome.

    Also, denthor, what's so ugly about a guy with a Fu Manchu and a ponytail?
    Where's what's-her-name, the chick with the pigtails?
    Jirix: Tsukiko? She was here when the sewer team reported in...
    Anyone seen her since?
    Jirix: No.
    No.
    Demon Roaches: No. Nope.
    Not since I brutally murdered her ten minutes ago, no.

  18. - Top - End - #48
    Troll in the Playground
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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    107: Collin Rushforth - a low-level melee fighter with all the tactical sense of a stunned hamster. Prone to charging into battle ahead of everyone else and getting clobbered, springing traps, and getting separated from everyone else. Should probably be dead a dozen times over by now, but his inexplicable survival might be related to the large red 'REJECTED' stamp that's visible on his aura with Detect Magic.

    108: Doctor Shann - Claims to be an alchemist and medical doctor. Has bedside manner that makes Dr. Frankenstein look good, and similar ethics in experimentation.

    109: Gorynch Lumpenproletariat - communist Gnome Rogue. Good at their job, will try to unionize the other workers and may get busted for political agitation when off duty.

    110: Kabuto Beiri - a warrior from the Mysterious East, trained in esoteric sword-fighting techniques... and a low-level layabout who has a supernatural skill for avoiding work and combat.
    Last edited by Arbane; 2017-03-22 at 10:20 PM.
    Imagine if all real-world conversations were like internet D&D conversations...
    Protip: DnD is an incredibly social game played by some of the most socially inept people on the planet - Lev
    I read this somewhere and I stick to it: "I would rather play a bad system with my friends than a great system with nobody". - Trevlac
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    That said, trolling is entirely counterproductive (yes, even when it's hilarious).

  19. - Top - End - #49
    Troll in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    Quote Originally Posted by Raimun View Post
    44. The Sandwich Artisan.

    The true master of his extremely narrow specialization. At the exclusion of any other kind of talent.
    Quote Originally Posted by Stealth Marmot View Post

    Arthur Dent?
    The Sandwich Maker from Bob! Does his best work with meat from Perfectly Normal Beasts. Which are in no way whatsoever any kind of normal, although they are almost certainly beasts. Also knows how to fly at will ("You just have to throw yourself at the ground and miss"), but largely quit after learning to communicate with birds, which as it turned out was a bit of a mistake because birds never shut up about a) mating and b) mind-numbingly mundane talk of weather, food, etc., although he took it up again briefly for a few interesting nights with a lovely young lady who later mysteriously vanished from his side while traveling between worlds (or, rather, when the Sandwich Artisan mysteriously vanished from her side, having been shunted into an alternate dimension). Has a bit of a limp from a traveling accident he prefers not to discuss, or even think about, preferring to focus instead on his sandwiches.


    Quote Originally Posted by Hoosigander View Post
    5. Friedrich the fashionable mercenary: Friedrich may not be a dangerous fighter, but with his puff-and-slash sleeves, particolored hose and enormous hats, he sure looks the part. Friedrich is always in the vanguard, at least when there's an opportunity to pillage the enemy baggage train for more cloth.
    ...Aside from the name, this is basically my bard. Landsknecht-style attire and the most ridiculous oversized feather-adorned hats he can find. Normally a hypercautious paranoid loony, will split the party and go off alone to visit a tailor or hatter if they pass through a prosperous town or city. Occasionally steals fine clothing or fabric from foes.
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  20. - Top - End - #50
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    Quote Originally Posted by JAL_1138 View Post
    The Sandwich Maker from Bob! Does his best work with meat from Perfectly Normal Beasts. Which are in no way whatsoever any kind of normal, although they are almost certainly beasts. Also knows how to fly at will ("You just have to throw yourself at the ground and miss"), but largely quit after learning to communicate with birds, which as it turned out was a bit of a mistake because birds never shut up about a) mating and b) mind-numbingly mundane talk of weather, food, etc., although he took it up again briefly for a few interesting nights with a lovely young lady who later mysteriously vanished from his side while traveling between worlds (or, rather, when the Sandwich Artisan mysteriously vanished from her side, having been shunted into an alternate dimension). Has a bit of a limp from a traveling accident he prefers not to discuss, or even think about, preferring to focus instead on his sandwiches.
    Someone knows where his towel is.
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  21. - Top - End - #51
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    111 A sassy mimic who wants to become an adventurer

  22. - Top - End - #52
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    112.) a changeling who spends all their time mocking the PCs and other hirelings, complete with changing shape to match them

    113.) A former adventurer who took an arrow to the knee

    114.) A pyromaniacal evoker
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  23. - Top - End - #53
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    AssassinGuy

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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    Hazel, the Princess of Roads

    Born on the road, this young woman is the heir to an ancient kingdom, but the kingdom is so ancient that a lot of other kingdoms were built up on its corpse. Regardless, she still acts like a princess, and will certainly remind her companions that she is, in fact, royalty, and should be treated as such. She is followed by two hooded cultists who raised her, claiming to be the last few who know about the kingdom's secrets, and they both are probably to blame for spoiling her. She is a somewhat competent magician, but are only useful outside of combat, making stew, doing laundry, mere parlor tricks, etc.

    Despite the bratty attitude and complete uselessness in a battle (she likes to hide behind the largest, heaviest thing nearby, and if that is a paladin, so be it), she is quite charismatic, and thanks to her time on the road, knows more about the kingdoms than those who rule them, and can slip into almost any society with ease. She is almost pretty enough to tolerate, too!


    Dorian, the Mighty Walrus

    This fighter is wears a suit of mail that is impenetrable! Unfortunately, it is so heavy that he hobbles around on land, kinda like a seal or other aquatic mammal that looks ridiculous moving on shore. He is quite pleasant, but is so afraid of fighting that he rarely takes off the armor, even when sleeping. He claims to have enough space in it to fit a bedroll and nap comfortably. Spends his free time practicing acupuncture, with mixed success.

  24. - Top - End - #54
    Pixie in the Playground
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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    117. Mr. Magic

    An elderly dual-class sorcerer/bard who acts more like a stage magician. Would probably be fairly effective at misdirection in combat... except for the fact that all of his spells are tuned towards stage shows, he doesn't really know too well how to use them to fight, and his charisma score isn't even good (probably in the 6-8 range). Still makes a decent distraction, although he'll probably annoy the party's female members by trying to get one of them to be his 'lovely assistant' (with the exact outfit that phrase brings to mind).

    118. Professor Garwin

    Professor Gawin (Ph.D., DDS, MA, BA, CPA, BaB, ABC, BAA, NBA, MS, BFA) is a fairly dubiously useful character. Sure, he has a bunch of knowledge skills... like Knowledge (Rocketry), Knowledge (Macroeconomics), and Knowledge (William Shakespeare). He also has a few profession skills, such as Profession (Plumber), Profession (Car Mechanic), and Profession (Hedge Fund Manager). All in all, a very skillful individual, who just so happens to be utterly useless in a medieval fantasy setting.

    119. The kitten swarm

    Someone left this box of kittens on the doorstep. It says "to a good home" on it. ...well, everyone knows that cats are stronger than commoners, right? What could go wrong? They actually do, collectively, have the class levels of Sorcerer 1/Fighter 1. They aren't awakened or anything like that though.

    120. Paperwork Elemental

    A denizen of the Elemental Plane of Bureaucracy. Fairly powerful, but it has to spend a bunch of time signing several forms in triplicate before it's "allowed to" do anything. (The fact that it's not actually submitting these forms to anyone is lost on it. Also, if you ask it if it needs to fill out a form to be allowed to submit forms, it will collapse into a pile of carbon copies)

    121. Jacob the Veteran

    A high-level specialist in two-weapon fighting, his legend is spoken of in whispers, up to the point when he mysteriously retired years ago. ...turns out he got an arm cut off by a cursed weapon. He still tries to fight, but without being able to fight using two weapons at once, he's actually really bad at it.

  25. - Top - End - #55
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    Quote Originally Posted by denthor View Post
    otherwiseknown as Cobra Commander! !
    But only when not performing as part of Guns'n'Roses

    122. "Sneezy" Dave - great guy, loyal, trustworthy, decent with a blade, fun to spend a night in the tavern with, but... you know how some people sneeze when they walk into bright light, and then they're fine? Dave's kind of like that, but rather than light, he reacts to high-stress situations. That careful ambush you just laid? He just sneezed and alerted everyone.

  26. - Top - End - #56
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    114.) A pyromaniacal evoker
    Who also went to the elemental plane of fire and killed fire elementals with fire(you can totally do that)

  27. - Top - End - #57
    Troll in the Playground
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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    Quote Originally Posted by Braininthejar2 View Post
    111 A sassy mimic who wants to become an adventurer
    123. A rust monster that just wants to be somebody's adorable pet.
    124. An awakened gelatinous cube rogue/fighter.
    Last edited by Beleriphon; 2017-03-24 at 10:13 AM.

  28. - Top - End - #58
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Planetar

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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    125. Ezebul the Truenamer, with a chronic issue of forgetting people names

  29. - Top - End - #59
    Troll in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beleriphon View Post
    123. A rust monster that just wants to be somebody's adorable pet.
    124. An awakened gelatinous cube rogue/fighter.
    126. A naive Paladin who fights with gardening implements.
    Imagine if all real-world conversations were like internet D&D conversations...
    Protip: DnD is an incredibly social game played by some of the most socially inept people on the planet - Lev
    I read this somewhere and I stick to it: "I would rather play a bad system with my friends than a great system with nobody". - Trevlac
    Quote Originally Posted by Kelb_Panthera View Post
    That said, trolling is entirely counterproductive (yes, even when it's hilarious).

  30. - Top - End - #60
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Bohandas's Avatar

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    Default Re: 101 Bad Hirelings

    127.) Addicted to vodare

    128.) Two peg legs

    129.) Suffers from almost cartoonishly extreme shellshock; should not be near combat

    130.) Lips permanently stained red due to addiction to potions of Fox's Cunning

    131.) Wears fancy clothes that he constantly worries about getting ripped or dirty
    Last edited by Bohandas; 2017-03-25 at 12:38 AM.
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