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Thread: 101 Bad Hirelings
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2016-06-30, 05:30 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2013
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
77: John "Hangman" Jones, human bandit. His mates always told him he was born to hang, so he figures that he's pretty much invincible to any non-strangulation related damage.
78: Hathruvex, Half-Dragon cleric. Worships a god of law with an extremely convoluted holy text and endless volumes of interpretation. He's brought along a follower of his own, to carry the several dozen books that his contract fills.Avatar courtesy of Kaariane!
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2016-06-30, 05:54 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2015
- Location
- UK
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
79. Tavari, pixie life coach. Follows you around, offering advice on how to do everything, but always has some kind of excuse for why she can't do anything herself.
80. Ioria, elven youth. Completely ordinary young woman with no dungeoneering skills whatsoever. Insists on going on every adventure because she's in love with one of your other hirelings.Lydia Seaspray by Oneris!
A Faerie Affair
Homebrew: Sig
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2017-03-21, 01:06 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2016
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
81) An elvish "boy detective" who's older than everyone else in the party
82.) A cleric of Olidammara (or other god of rogues) who is under a vow to smoke weed every day, is emcumbered by the large stone tablets and/or gold plates he wears as medallions, and speaks in aphorisms culled from rap songs."If you want to understand biology don't think about vibrant throbbing gels and oozes, think about information technology" -Richard Dawkins
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2017-03-21, 01:19 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2010
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
83. Chad the Edgelord - Won't actually do any carrying of bags saying it's "Half orc work." Constantly makes racist, sexist, and homophobic statements and says he's just "politically incorrect", and will not shut up about pay gaps not existing. Wears a trilby, calls it a "fedora" and has flame patters on his tunic.
Arthur Dent?
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2017-03-21, 03:12 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2006
- Location
- Protecting my Horde (yes, I mean that kind)
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
84. A Jonny Quest expy, complete with Hadji, Dr Quest and Race Bannon tagging along.
85. The Scooby Gang expies: The "alchemist" druid Shaggor with an awakened dog animal companion Dubert (read it like you're French), the wizard Wilhemina, Deidre the rogue, and Francis the paladin.
86: And odd couple expy, Bert and Ernie are one example, Jay and Silent Bob are another. Not in a relationship with each other, but definitely inseparable.Last edited by Beleriphon; 2017-03-21 at 03:13 PM. Reason: number correction
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2017-03-21, 03:23 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2016
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
87.) an elven counterfeiter
88.) the crossdressing lumberjack from monty python's flying circus
89.) a lizardman badly disguised as a human
90.) a misanthropic dog-obsessed druid based loosely on the eccentric greek philosopher Diogenes of Sinope
91.) a druid of olidammara who goes on and on and on about smokable plants
92.) a stone giant bard who wears a full sized grandfather clock as a medallion around his neckLast edited by Bohandas; 2017-03-21 at 03:32 PM.
"If you want to understand biology don't think about vibrant throbbing gels and oozes, think about information technology" -Richard Dawkins
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2017-03-21, 03:40 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2015
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
I want Grak togo the Goblin barbarian in my team right now: he is way cooler than any normal barbarian.
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2017-03-21, 03:42 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
92. Untrustworthy Doug - totally promises you to help move a couch, but always backs out.
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2017-03-21, 04:36 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2013
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
93: Greg :A healer with a drinking problem - a hateful sociopath when sober, due to past trauma. Useless when drunk. Very competent if you can hit the very narrow middle ground.
Last edited by Braininthejar2; 2017-03-21 at 04:50 PM.
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2017-03-21, 04:47 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2016
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
95.) Sausage maker who is confused with a witch due to the strong overlap of ingredients between witches' brews and hotdogs
96.) Just out of rehab for addiction to magical jewelry/rings
97.) hireling's good attitude is a result of addiction to potions of good hope"If you want to understand biology don't think about vibrant throbbing gels and oozes, think about information technology" -Richard Dawkins
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2017-03-21, 05:34 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2013
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
98: A bunch of soldiers in splint mails, talking in strange accent. Claim to be from Rome, wherever that is, but apparently lost their army, and then the rest of the legion. Competent fighters, but no sense of direction whatsoever.
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2017-03-21, 07:21 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2016
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2017-03-21, 09:10 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2010
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
100. Francis, eldest son of the local crime boss. He's on the payroll, or else. He never shows up, but his time card always shows that he's working.
101. Niven. Actually someone else, hiding from Johnny Law and/or his former partners in crime under an assumed identity.
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2017-03-21, 09:29 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2011
- Gender
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
Eventually, my party is going to need to hire an airship crew. This will be an absolutely wonderful well of ideas.
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2017-03-21, 10:06 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2006
- Location
- California
- Gender
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2017-03-22, 01:44 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2016
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
102.) a town watchman named John Law
"If you want to understand biology don't think about vibrant throbbing gels and oozes, think about information technology" -Richard Dawkins
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2017-03-22, 03:50 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2013
- Gender
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
103. Pee Ci of Arr Nienkay-a sociopath suffering from autism, he tends to stab things with no provocation, fixate on the most pointless things, and has no social skills beyond insulting people with racial and gender slurs.
104. Failfail-a kobold with a Str of 1, burdened with 300 lb. of gear.
105. Flop the Polf-a wizard with Int 3, he believes himself the greatest wizard of all time. He comes from an entire clan of Polfs, all with the worst stats possible for their classes.
Lib Ido-a cunning lass who is steadfastly loyal and extremely competent...unless you happen to be fighting hulking, muscular men...or handsome lads with charming smiles...or well-educated gentlemen...or anything with a Y-chromosome.
Also, denthor, what's so ugly about a guy with a Fu Manchu and a ponytail?Where's what's-her-name, the chick with the pigtails?
Jirix: Tsukiko? She was here when the sewer team reported in...
Anyone seen her since?
Jirix: No.
No.
Demon Roaches: No. Nope.
Not since I brutally murdered her ten minutes ago, no.
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2017-03-22, 10:19 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2010
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
107: Collin Rushforth - a low-level melee fighter with all the tactical sense of a stunned hamster. Prone to charging into battle ahead of everyone else and getting clobbered, springing traps, and getting separated from everyone else. Should probably be dead a dozen times over by now, but his inexplicable survival might be related to the large red 'REJECTED' stamp that's visible on his aura with Detect Magic.
108: Doctor Shann - Claims to be an alchemist and medical doctor. Has bedside manner that makes Dr. Frankenstein look good, and similar ethics in experimentation.
109: Gorynch Lumpenproletariat - communist Gnome Rogue. Good at their job, will try to unionize the other workers and may get busted for political agitation when off duty.
110: Kabuto Beiri - a warrior from the Mysterious East, trained in esoteric sword-fighting techniques... and a low-level layabout who has a supernatural skill for avoiding work and combat.Last edited by Arbane; 2017-03-22 at 10:20 PM.
Imagine if all real-world conversations were like internet D&D conversations...
Protip: DnD is an incredibly social game played by some of the most socially inept people on the planet - Lev
I read this somewhere and I stick to it: "I would rather play a bad system with my friends than a great system with nobody". - Trevlac
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2017-03-22, 10:25 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2014
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
The Sandwich Maker from Bob! Does his best work with meat from Perfectly Normal Beasts. Which are in no way whatsoever any kind of normal, although they are almost certainly beasts. Also knows how to fly at will ("You just have to throw yourself at the ground and miss"), but largely quit after learning to communicate with birds, which as it turned out was a bit of a mistake because birds never shut up about a) mating and b) mind-numbingly mundane talk of weather, food, etc., although he took it up again briefly for a few interesting nights with a lovely young lady who later mysteriously vanished from his side while traveling between worlds (or, rather, when the Sandwich Artisan mysteriously vanished from her side, having been shunted into an alternate dimension). Has a bit of a limp from a traveling accident he prefers not to discuss, or even think about, preferring to focus instead on his sandwiches.
...Aside from the name, this is basically my bard. Landsknecht-style attire and the most ridiculous oversized feather-adorned hats he can find. Normally a hypercautious paranoid loony, will split the party and go off alone to visit a tailor or hatter if they pass through a prosperous town or city. Occasionally steals fine clothing or fabric from foes.
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2017-03-23, 07:12 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2010
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2017-03-23, 02:24 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2013
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
111 A sassy mimic who wants to become an adventurer
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2017-03-23, 08:03 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2016
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
112.) a changeling who spends all their time mocking the PCs and other hirelings, complete with changing shape to match them
113.) A former adventurer who took an arrow to the knee
114.) A pyromaniacal evoker"If you want to understand biology don't think about vibrant throbbing gels and oozes, think about information technology" -Richard Dawkins
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2017-03-23, 08:38 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2016
- Location
- Idaho isn't a real state.
- Gender
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
Hazel, the Princess of Roads
Born on the road, this young woman is the heir to an ancient kingdom, but the kingdom is so ancient that a lot of other kingdoms were built up on its corpse. Regardless, she still acts like a princess, and will certainly remind her companions that she is, in fact, royalty, and should be treated as such. She is followed by two hooded cultists who raised her, claiming to be the last few who know about the kingdom's secrets, and they both are probably to blame for spoiling her. She is a somewhat competent magician, but are only useful outside of combat, making stew, doing laundry, mere parlor tricks, etc.
Despite the bratty attitude and complete uselessness in a battle (she likes to hide behind the largest, heaviest thing nearby, and if that is a paladin, so be it), she is quite charismatic, and thanks to her time on the road, knows more about the kingdoms than those who rule them, and can slip into almost any society with ease. She is almost pretty enough to tolerate, too!
Dorian, the Mighty Walrus
This fighter is wears a suit of mail that is impenetrable! Unfortunately, it is so heavy that he hobbles around on land, kinda like a seal or other aquatic mammal that looks ridiculous moving on shore. He is quite pleasant, but is so afraid of fighting that he rarely takes off the armor, even when sleeping. He claims to have enough space in it to fit a bedroll and nap comfortably. Spends his free time practicing acupuncture, with mixed success.
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2017-03-23, 11:14 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2017
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
117. Mr. Magic
An elderly dual-class sorcerer/bard who acts more like a stage magician. Would probably be fairly effective at misdirection in combat... except for the fact that all of his spells are tuned towards stage shows, he doesn't really know too well how to use them to fight, and his charisma score isn't even good (probably in the 6-8 range). Still makes a decent distraction, although he'll probably annoy the party's female members by trying to get one of them to be his 'lovely assistant' (with the exact outfit that phrase brings to mind).
118. Professor Garwin
Professor Gawin (Ph.D., DDS, MA, BA, CPA, BaB, ABC, BAA, NBA, MS, BFA) is a fairly dubiously useful character. Sure, he has a bunch of knowledge skills... like Knowledge (Rocketry), Knowledge (Macroeconomics), and Knowledge (William Shakespeare). He also has a few profession skills, such as Profession (Plumber), Profession (Car Mechanic), and Profession (Hedge Fund Manager). All in all, a very skillful individual, who just so happens to be utterly useless in a medieval fantasy setting.
119. The kitten swarm
Someone left this box of kittens on the doorstep. It says "to a good home" on it. ...well, everyone knows that cats are stronger than commoners, right? What could go wrong? They actually do, collectively, have the class levels of Sorcerer 1/Fighter 1. They aren't awakened or anything like that though.
120. Paperwork Elemental
A denizen of the Elemental Plane of Bureaucracy. Fairly powerful, but it has to spend a bunch of time signing several forms in triplicate before it's "allowed to" do anything. (The fact that it's not actually submitting these forms to anyone is lost on it. Also, if you ask it if it needs to fill out a form to be allowed to submit forms, it will collapse into a pile of carbon copies)
121. Jacob the Veteran
A high-level specialist in two-weapon fighting, his legend is spoken of in whispers, up to the point when he mysteriously retired years ago. ...turns out he got an arm cut off by a cursed weapon. He still tries to fight, but without being able to fight using two weapons at once, he's actually really bad at it.
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2017-03-24, 05:12 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2013
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
But only when not performing as part of Guns'n'Roses
122. "Sneezy" Dave - great guy, loyal, trustworthy, decent with a blade, fun to spend a night in the tavern with, but... you know how some people sneeze when they walk into bright light, and then they're fine? Dave's kind of like that, but rather than light, he reacts to high-stress situations. That careful ambush you just laid? He just sneezed and alerted everyone.
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2017-03-24, 05:25 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2015
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
114.) A pyromaniacal evoker
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2017-03-24, 10:13 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2006
- Location
- Protecting my Horde (yes, I mean that kind)
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
Last edited by Beleriphon; 2017-03-24 at 10:13 AM.
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2017-03-24, 10:39 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2016
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
125. Ezebul the Truenamer, with a chronic issue of forgetting people names
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2017-03-24, 12:31 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2010
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
Imagine if all real-world conversations were like internet D&D conversations...
Protip: DnD is an incredibly social game played by some of the most socially inept people on the planet - Lev
I read this somewhere and I stick to it: "I would rather play a bad system with my friends than a great system with nobody". - Trevlac
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2017-03-24, 11:51 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2016
Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
127.) Addicted to vodare
128.) Two peg legs
129.) Suffers from almost cartoonishly extreme shellshock; should not be near combat
130.) Lips permanently stained red due to addiction to potions of Fox's Cunning
131.) Wears fancy clothes that he constantly worries about getting ripped or dirtyLast edited by Bohandas; 2017-03-25 at 12:38 AM.
"If you want to understand biology don't think about vibrant throbbing gels and oozes, think about information technology" -Richard Dawkins
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