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Thread: 101 Bad Hirelings
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2017-03-25, 11:34 AM (ISO 8601)
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2017-03-25, 06:20 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
133.) Supposedly experienced "Jester" is more birthday party clown
134.) A murderous birthday party clown"If you want to understand biology don't think about vibrant throbbing gels and oozes, think about information technology" -Richard Dawkins
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2017-03-31, 05:24 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
135.) Doing this to research a part in a play
136.) Terrible BO
137.) Aggressively vegan
138.) Obsessed Nugent-esque hunter. Constantly fights with #137 (above)."If you want to understand biology don't think about vibrant throbbing gels and oozes, think about information technology" -Richard Dawkins
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2017-03-31, 08:47 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
139) The BBEG's son, trying to make some pocket change to buy a new grimoire. Doesn't really get the whole 'not an evil organization' thing.
140) An awakened magpie
141) A wizard with tourettes syndrome: every time he casts a spell with a somatic component, roll a d20. On a non-prime result, a tic causes him to flub the spell; roll on a Rod of Wonder chart of your choice instead of the spell's normal effects.
142) A literal god. Insists on being paid in virgin sacrifices and crystallized moonlight, refuses to do any job that is "beneath him" (which is all of them), and is extremely stuck-up. If you actually get him to do a job, it turns out he only has Divine Rank 0 (which is probably worth something on its own, but not as much as he was talking himself up), and is otherwise a level 1 commoner.
143) Bob. Somehow has literally no class levels. Has 1 HP and a -3 penalty to all skills and saves, and an additional -10 penalty to his will save. Due to a clerical error (of both kinds) he has constantly-refreshing contingent true resurrection placed on him, and as a result has earned the enmity of the extremely competent, extremely dangerous assassin-wizard-prince Robert who the spell was originally meant for.
144) Bad Deadpool. Thinks he has medium awareness... but is absolutely convinced that he's a player character in a game of Exalted or Call of Cthulhu.Last edited by SomeNerd; 2017-03-31 at 08:47 PM.
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2017-04-01, 02:05 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
145.) A new age woo-woo enthusiast who appears all the more incompetent for being in a setting where there are other forms of magic that actually work.
146.) Compulsive liar
147.) Compulsive gambler
146.) A bhaalspawn who talks like Jesus, if Jesus was a goth or a metalhead (or more a combination of both). "In my father's house there are many graves", "this is a dead body, take it all of you and eat it", "you are the salt of the earth, sown so the land might bear no friut", "if anyone's hand offends thee, cut it off", that sort of thing. And he turns the water rations into bile, and he spits acid in someone's eyes to blind them.Last edited by Bohandas; 2017-04-01 at 10:22 AM.
"If you want to understand biology don't think about vibrant throbbing gels and oozes, think about information technology" -Richard Dawkins
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2017-04-03, 10:40 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
149.) A local TV celebrity and "wilderness survival expert" who is used to having heavily staged survival scenes crafted for them. Is pretty confident they can find water in most substances if they squeeze hard enough. May or may not be severely dehydrated at all times.
150.) A narcoleptic summoner with a tendency to sleep-summon whatever they're dreaming about.
151.) A crawling claw wearing a wig and glasses trying to pass as a Dragonborn bard.
152.) A motivational speaker who deals with corporate synergy. Guarantees they can get this group operating at 110%!Last edited by Skelechicken; 2017-04-03 at 10:44 PM.
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2017-04-04, 08:44 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
153.) An eladrin and an obryith that work together as consultants. It's like the cliche of an angel and a devil on your shoulder, except these ones also have ADD
"If you want to understand biology don't think about vibrant throbbing gels and oozes, think about information technology" -Richard Dawkins
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2017-04-04, 09:11 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
154) Ancient Lich, seeking new thrills, takes part time job doing menial labor for low level adventurers.
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2017-04-06, 09:59 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
155) Prince or princess passing themselves off as a commoner for lulz, and failing badly.
My Homebrew (Free to use, don't even bother asking. PM me if you do, though; I'd love to hear stories).
Avatar done by me (It's Durkon redrawn as Salvador from Borderlands 2).
Nod, get treat.
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2017-04-07, 07:02 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
156) Umok the compulsively gnambling gnome, who's great at swindling people out of fortunes and terrible at keeping his longer than a night.
157)Niklo; On his meds, he's a weedy little kid. Off his meds, he's a frenzied beserker...that never stops raging or attacking things. The meds take 10 minutes to kick in, and he's incapable of raging while on them.
158) Brock: an ogre who insists on being paid in food, and betrays the party at the slightest provocation if food is offered.
159) Jigo, a rogue who's impossibly amazing at escaping jail...because they keep getting caught.
160) Lazley; the overly promiscuous bard. Has a ex-girlfriend or a illegitimate offspring in every town. He's been working his ass off to pay child support, but the fact he visits the cleric every thursday to get remove disease cast on him provides some doubt about him succeeding.
161) Michel McMichels: A hypercompetent adventurer... with a max HP of 1.
162) Salvos: A paladin of Zon-kython with all-consuming masochistic tendencies. This wouldn't be so bad if they could actually HIT anything.
163) Erisu: a demoted goddess, who causes more collateral damage than she can pay for, while simultaneously spending any money she can scavenge on beer. Oh and every undead within a 50 mile radius wants a piece of her delicious god-flesh.
164) A level 1 gnome wizard who can cast one 9th level spell a day...and then falls uncious at -9hp afterwards. No other useful skills.
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2017-04-08, 11:27 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
165.) Pretentious chef. Demands expensive ingredients. In the dang forest.
"If you want to understand biology don't think about vibrant throbbing gels and oozes, think about information technology" -Richard Dawkins
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2017-04-09, 08:24 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
161) Michel McMichels: A hypercompetent adventure... with a max HP of 1.
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2017-04-09, 04:02 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
167.) an actual assassin. Like a chaotic evil has two plans to kill you assassin, not a friendly assassin.
168.) Llywelyn the Shy / the Blade / the Deadlocked
Silent, defensive, secluded person with a bladed weapon.
Hiring provides a fame / reputation bonus but gets others killed
Not a hero: only joins groups of hirelings / fights mooks.
Spoiler: Celtic bard / weapon masterPoints / Feats from Rogue / Fighter. Evasion / Parry.
Born to not be mundane: must learn a first level spell.
Shows absolutly no interest in magic at all.
Blends into groups, prefers to hide, flees when talked to.
Charismatic: gets compared to a level 0 fighter.
When in combat reduces enemy moral until hit.
Quite good at diverting attackers to anyone else,
especially allied npcs less skilled at handling them.
In denial: unaware of the obvious problem.
No intention to lead or be a center of attention.
Tripleclassed: Rouge 1, Fighter 1, Mage 0
Old dog: no points left to learn new tricks.
Avoids player characters, expects payment
Expensive: counts as a 3rd level officer.
Deadlocked by design: must level evenly.
Last edited by Lo'Tek; 2017-04-09 at 04:22 PM.
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2017-04-09, 06:06 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
So it have levels in a color.
Everybody knows Red 3/scout 0/Spadassin 0/Rouge 4/ fighter 0.
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2017-04-09, 06:23 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
But thankfully, he's a pretty good guitarist.
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2017-04-09, 09:17 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
169: The 2nd edition D&D wild mage, who insists on solving all problems with spells.
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2017-04-11, 05:04 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
A little backstory: When I was in college, one of the only available AD&D games was run by a guy who always had an NPC accompany the party. This NPC was invariably a character the GM played in a game 'at home', and was both higher level than the PCs, had managed to 'naturally' roll 18's in every stat and max hit points, and generally had some selection of either the best loot from the back of the DMG, some unique items from a module, or some homebrew monstrosity of a magic weapon, or a mix thereof. Generally, the adventure would revolve around the NPC leading the party into some fantastically dangerous high-level module that the NPC wasn't quite strong enough to solo, so that the NPC could acquire some specific piece of gear in a semi-legitimate fashion so he could then return to his 'home' campaign at an even higher level of power. You guys probably know the type. Thus:
170. The Slumming Demigod. This 'hireling' is a level 1.5X (where X is the average level of the party) half-dragon/half-god (from the optional rules published in Dragon Magazine Issue XXX!) dual-classed Dimensional High-Lord (from the optional supplement published by -----------, which allows dual-wielding greatswords while casting Magic-User spells at the same level, with Barbarian hit dice and Paladin saves)/Psi-Assassin (from... oh, who gives a flip?). The Demigod only shows up and offers his services when the party is either known to be heading for a place of interest, or if he can steer the party in the desired direction. This tall, muscular, handsome, witty gentleman, of urbane intelligence, tends to avoid the limelight, but when bored will challenge party members to drinking or arm-wrestling competitions, which he invariable wins. In a fight, he generally does not take the lead, but will wander around the periphery of the action, exterminating minions in a single blow... without ever missing, not even once. He only intervenes when it is absolutely necessary, if the PCs are on the ropes against the big boss, at which point the Demigod, having taken only cosmetic damage at best due to an insanely high AC, a Ring of Regeneration, and having made all his saves, will proceed to wipe the floor with an opponent who nearly TPK'd everyone else. At this point, he will claim the most unique and powerful item of treasure as his just reward, and vanish into the sunset.
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2017-04-12, 07:40 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
Aaah, the (not)humble Dungeon-Master Player Character(DMPC). The single most reliable way to piss off the players.
What a jerk of a DM.
171. A goblin wearing 30 necklaces of fireball. Immense destructive power, but if he so much as trips, there's going to be a new crater on the map...
172. A theoretical physicist. As in, he has a theoretical degree in physics...
173. A warrior with what he insists is a powerful werewolf form...that's basically a chihuahuana. He'll try to transform into it (full form, not hybrid) at every opportunity, and will even try to get mode-locked into that form, despite it's obvious weakness.
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2017-05-07, 06:11 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
174.) Porter with a bad back
175.) Scribe with carpal tunnel syndrome"If you want to understand biology don't think about vibrant throbbing gels and oozes, think about information technology" -Richard Dawkins
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2017-05-08, 04:52 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
176.) John Jacob Jingleheimer-Smith, the bard. Is reasonably competent, but is cursed so that anyone who is within earshot substitutes his name for all nouns.
Nihil Refert
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2017-05-08, 05:32 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
177: A reaaonably competent hireling most of the time, but is utterly and unshakably convinced he's still in Barovia, despite having escaped with a Vistani caravan several years ago. Constantly spouts doom and gloom, and goes on about how any efforts of the party are ultimately futile because the Dark Powers will see to it that the status quo is restored. Goes completely catatonic with fear/flashbacks if he sees fog or mist, this condition lasting several hours after he can no longer see the fog or mist that caused it.
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2017-05-08, 08:21 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
178. Jasper the Awkward:
Jasper is the kind of man who blends in anywhere, awkwardly. He can smoothly disappear into a crowd of bodyguards as that guy who's never looking the right way. He can visit a royal ball as that person who only knows two dances and one of them is the macarena. He can infiltrate a laboratory as a weird technician who tells one too many inappropriate jokes about women and he'll fit into a street racing gang like a bloke who gets a bit too exited about that nice chromed air intake. He's not about screwing up, mind you, he gets the job done most of the time. Anyone observing him just can't help wondering how.
179. Flint'in Quarantino:
Loves violent movies/books/campfire stories (depending on setting). Loves, loves, loves. Especially the violent parts. Can't stop talking about them. A beautiful woman could look him in the eyes and ask him sensually where he wants to go tonight and within two sentences he'd have the conversation back to that bloody shootout in Copkiller Diaries III. Nobody has actually seen him in action, for some reason people always seem to reconsider taking him on any kind of mission.
180. Mary the Plain:
Completely, almost creepily ordinary in every way. Yes, even that one.
181. The Shadow:
The Shadow? The Shadow. The Shadow! (And that's all you'll ever hear anyone explain about him/her.)Last edited by Lvl 2 Expert; 2017-05-08 at 10:37 AM.
The Hindsight Awards, results: See the best movies of 1999!
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2017-05-08, 09:02 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
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2017-05-08, 10:46 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
182.) Bubba, a fat, easily winded, out of shape porter
"If you want to understand biology don't think about vibrant throbbing gels and oozes, think about information technology" -Richard Dawkins
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2017-05-08, 01:07 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
183. Ulthren the Unlucky
Ulthren is the finest swordsman of his generation. He had to be to overcome the terrible misfortunes that routinely befell him. He's currently missing an eye, his left hand, and the use of his legs, but he can still swing his sword. You just need to lift him onto the saddle, strap him in, and he's ready to go!My Homebrew (Free to use, don't even bother asking. PM me if you do, though; I'd love to hear stories).
Avatar done by me (It's Durkon redrawn as Salvador from Borderlands 2).
Nod, get treat.
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2017-05-15, 01:28 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
184.) Amren, the Man of Many Talents - Yes, this man is quite talented indeed. Talented in what, you may ask? Well, all manner of things. He knows everything from how to age a fine cheddar to how to properly grow hithlas in swampy soil. He can spin a rope from human hair and craft a beautiful stained-glass window given the right materials. He can charm a beautiful princess and do a triple-flip ending in a handstand. Yes, Amren can do it all, as long as it doesn't involve swinging a blade, shooting a bow, casting a spell, or being in immediate danger.
185.) Melissa the Liar - Melissa is a very talented warrior, the Archmage of the town of Willowton (you've probably never heard of it), and is a legendary thief wanted in 14 obscure kingdoms. She's also a paladin of Pelor and a cleric of the Raven Queen. Also, she had three parents, and one of them was the goddess Melora, which makes her a demigod. She's also lived for a thousand years and is completely immortal. She's also the chosen one of a thousand prophecies all of which she has completed and saved the world within. She can also speak to horses and walk on water, as well as banish vampires with a wink. Why wouldn't you want to hire her? (Proceeds to die in the first combat.)
186.) Sam the Shifty - Hey, man. You're new in town, right? You look tough, like you could handle a few town guards, right? I have this accomplice and we're trying to...deliver something to my friend over in the next town. If you're interested, we might just give you a little taste. What? Illegal? Well, I would never think of such a thing. What unicorn horn? That's not mine! I've never seen that in my life!Currently RPG group playing: Endworld (D&D 5e. A Homebrewed post-apocalyptic supplement.)
My campaign settings: Azura; 10,000 CE | The Frozen Seas | Bloodstones (Paleolithic Horror) | AEGIS - The School for Superhero Children | Iaphela (5e, Elder Scrolls)
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2017-05-15, 01:49 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
187. "Blingbling" Martina:
We don't know how it happened, whether she is blessed by the gods or a freak of nature, but we know that Martina has the extraordinary and to our knowledge unique ability to wear as many magic rings as physically possible (while still being worn as a separate ring-like item, no necklaces or ringmail). As a result she has taken to collecting rings. Every time she has money she burns it on another +2 to profession (tax collector) or a ones daily dancing lights. She now wears several on each finger, a few on her toes and a couple punched into her ears and even her tongue. Does not know what she wants to do with her life, because any specialization would mean most of her rings are now practically useless.The Hindsight Awards, results: See the best movies of 1999!
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2017-05-15, 03:56 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
188. The Mad Cow.
A furious heifer that follows your group whether you want her to or not. The beast seems to live for battle, throwing herself into every conflict with reckless abandon and crushing your enemies beneath her mighty hooves even as they beg for mercy. However, whether she's actually intelligent enough to be considered malevolent or just a stupid cow that always seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time is impossible to say.
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2017-05-15, 07:52 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
189: Gus. Fat and slow, but reasonably tough. Just don't make him make any stealth checks - he gets explosively flatulent under stress.
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2017-05-19, 04:10 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: 101 Bad Hirelings
190.) Omeop, an extremely forgetful water genasi or water elemental herbalist whose nostrums never work because he keeps forgetting to mix in the active ingredient.
"If you want to understand biology don't think about vibrant throbbing gels and oozes, think about information technology" -Richard Dawkins
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