Forum Quotes Thread: Say What?

[Waker]

In a recent thread, 2D8HP made the suggestion that someone should start a forum quotes thread, so I did.

We've had threads for quotes to inspire characters as well as quotes without any context. But now at long last, we have a thread to collect quotes straight from the horses mouth...Or at least what users type with their hands. This thread is for those sig-worthy quotes, the ones that leave you doubling over laughing or give you pause as the philosophical ramifications sink in.

[2D8HP]

I'd assume a single person that draws the fire of a million person army for a few hours as pretty righteously badass

I can't believe I didn't catch this perfect putdown from the Giant before:

Dear Reader Who Emailed That They’re Not Buying My Book Because I Recently Included a Gay Character: I deeply apologize for waiting so long. Had I been more proactive in offending your sensibilities, you could have stopped reading years ago. It won’t happen again, I assure you.

Private Carl Perkins claims to have visited an underground elven city. He describes the elven residents as having dark complexions and white hair, which isn't unheard of, as some of the elves near the human colony look like that. However, Perkins also insists that the women's dress consisted of neon-colored leotards and leg warmers, with perms as the most popular hairstyle. He swears that one elf's singing voice was exactly like Pat Benatar's.
Private Perkins has been recommended for psychological evaluation.

You know what they say: when live gives you lemons, genetically engineer a species of armored lemon-eaters.

Off the top of my head:

Hotel California: Imprisonment
Ring of Fire: Wall of Fire (encircling version)
Don't Stop Me Now: Haste
Who Let the Dogs Out: Conjure Animals
Let It Go: Freedom of Movement
Thriller: Animate Dead, Conjure Undead

EDIT: The purple dinosaur's song for "Friends".

Hmmm... where to start?

If you can't handle the logical consequences of these simple changes, you probably can't handle a real plot. If your players can't handle understanding and investigating these little things, they probably can't handle understanding and investigating a real plot.

So, call it the pre adventure, the qualifying round. Are you ready to sit at the big table, or do we need to keep the kiddie gloves and the sippy cups?If a 5-year-old can beat your trap, you might not want to set the disable device DC at 35. Just saying.

And I'd personally hazard a guess that your engineer friend knows less about traps than his rogue. The school of "ranks in disable device" and all that.

I have very high standards, which basically means they have to be able to cook spaghetti.

I'm attracted to pretty much anyone who brings me a beer without me asking for it. I also enjoy people at lot that bring me beer when I ask for it, but nothing beats a surprise brewski.

It's a 10-ton drama bomb waiting to go off I say avoid lighting fuse if at all possible.

Stop using logic and rationality to ruin our arguments!

I thought the entire DnD world is a massive Bugsby's Expressive Single Digit to physics!

"Of course I know the word 'obfuscate'. I obfuscated out behind the barn just last night."

"Yakko, can you conjugate?"
"Me? I've never even kissed a girl!"

How about you look up the My Immortal fanfic and use that for a bit of inspiration?

I dunno about you, but I never got through the entire thing. Even with company. Your mind is tougher then mine if you can brave that.

Get those damn d10s off my lawn!

Levels used to mean something!

Player/DM cooperation? What sort of newfangled hippie nonsense is that?

Too little? In my day you had your choice of fighter, cleric, magic user, or thief

Your elvish spelling is horrible, it's spelt B't'm'f'tb'', obviously.

Dagnabbed whippersnappers nowadays getting so attached to their special snowflake characters that they need to have three failed saves before the character dies, and they take max HP at first and average after that, and they keep gaining by their HD after 10th, and save-or-die effects are nearly gone.

Back in my day we died like flies and we liked it, dagnabbit! I've lost first-level characters to nonsense like a couple-three squirrels, a housecat, a barnyard goat, or falling down the stairs at the inn we were all meeting at! We rolled for our HP at first level, and we died instantly at 0HP, and just about everything could kill us! We brought stacks of spare character sheets, stacks of 'em, dadgummit! Characters were hapless fools to feed to the meat-grinder until one lucky and paranoid sonofab*** actually managed to live long enough to earn his glory! Characters didn't survive because we thought they were cool, we thought they were cool because they survived! These consarned young'uns nowadays don't even know what a 10ft pole is for, and would flip the table and whine about how bad the DM is at the entrance to the Tomb of Horrors!

Of course I find D&D based humor funny, I'm an OOTS fan!

[Asmodean_]

Not from this forum, but this re quote of radio 1 made me laugh:

The universe
is like an orange
you break it open
and there are
segments
for you to
nibble on

[2D8HP]

Everyone knows that dire camels have been rapidly spreading to non-arid parts of the world. The combination of vitality, strength, and reproduction prowess has resulted in a dangerous and invasive species that threatens to crowd out other large herbivores from ecosystems around the world! In fact, a divergent sub-species of dire camel that has evolved the capacity and teeth of an omnivore has been shown to risk driving out large carnivores as well.

With a minor contribution of 5 gold pieces per month, you can help the scientists and adventurers of the Alliance for Life Protected Against Camel Armies (A.L.P.A.C.A.) in their quest to ensure the world's ecosystem and biological diversity remain intact. Join within the next three sunsets and receive a free poncho woven with textiles from the dire camel!

Irving: As he rushes forward, he shouts “INFLICT WOUNDS”, and performs the complicated somatic rituals involved, namely swinging his axe as hard as possible.
Chase (OOC): Truly Irving is capable of far more esoteric magicks than all the rest of the party put together.
Irving (OOC): Indeed. His spells are subtle and elegant.

coming together and creating "Don't put words under my thumbs" is an achievement for the ages!

You will tell your grandchildren, I was there when...

Oh man Nottinstory! I've heard totally nondescript things about that place!

I imagine an OotS Santa would go broke very quickly. Consider how much GP it takes to hire elven toy makers and then have them relocate from Elven Lands to the North Pole?



That has nothing to do with dwarven naming practices; it happens all over the the OotS world. For instance, the Wooden Forest where the star metal fell. And there's an Avenue Street in Cliffport and a Back Alley Road in Greysky City. My favorite is the Wet Sea near the Southern Lands.

I want credit for being the Swordsage who swordsaged all the other Swordsages. Sword-sagaciously.

From an old campaign:
"You rolled so badly that your eyes roll back into your head for two rounds."

From a character creation session of a new campaign:
"You do realize I intended to run a heroic campaign?"
"Yes."
"And yet none of you made a Good character?"
"Yes."
"And all of you are either Chaotic, Evil, or Both?"
"Yes."
"Well then this should be fun."

And from a short D&D campaign I ran while camping:

DM: "The wizard spends the hour trying to reinsert his intestines, and oddly enough, succeeds."

Roy G. Biv: (Wizard):"I cast Summon Weed."

Roy: "Is ten pounds enough force enough force to shove a fist up a human anus?
DM: "I don't know, why!?"
Roy G. Biv: "No reason"

DM: "You're a dwarf. There is no way you're getting drunk on cheap human beer."

Richard "****" Butt (Fighter): "If sex with three people is called a threesome, and sex with two people is called a twosome, I think I finally figured out why so many people call you handsome."

Roy: "It says my mage hand can lift up to ten pounds, so could I use it to snap a man's neck?"
DM: "No, mage hand explicitly can't be used to attack. Wait did you say ten pounds? Oh god. No. No."

DM: "Am I correct in assuming you are the last son of the noble House Butt?"

DM: "Here I am trying to be serious, and you named your character **** Butt."

Dereck Dadd (Rogue): "My criminal contact is called Convenient Plot Development."
DM: "That's canon now, just so you know."

Glow of the Mountain (Cleric): "I attack him."
Glow: *rolls cocked twice, then rolls a natural twenty*
DM: "So you hold your warhammer like a golf club, take two practice swings, and them smack him in the nuts."

DM: "Y'know, that boss fight would have been much harder had I rolled above a ten at any point."

DM: "Do you see this? This is a plot hook. Its my job to dangle it in front of you. Despite what the internet will tell you, it is not your job to then ignore it at all costs."

Reading this just made me think up a system that would allow this that i should totally implement if i ever DM game.

Everyone has one "Point of awesome" to spend at any time they want. Spending a "Point of Awsome" allows you to perform multiple actions in a row and bend the rules of the game to your whim for a short time, but the effect and result MUST be awesome. To spend a point of awesome you must first state you wish to do so, and once you have the attention of the DM and other players, you may state your plan. (i.e. "i cast spider climb on myself, run up the walls, and jump down onto the dragon casting smite evil upon it's skull as i fall down upon it. I then cast feather falling on myself and drift down to safety as the dragon lands dead behind me, uttering the quip "The bigger they are, the harder i fall." while putting on some cool shades.")

If the DM and other players agree to this, you perform the actions and potentially end the encounter quickly.

To re-gain a point of awesome, you must perform an aw some feat such as the above while adhering to the rules of the game. Spending a point of awesome allows you to do something awesome outside the game rules. Earning a point of awesome requires you do something awesome WITHIN the game rules.

Would require some refinement and most if not all of the party getting along well, but still. Awesome.

... no, I'm playing a kitsune.

That has at least two consonants and at least one vowel. It is still a cat.

Umm, kitsune are fox folk. Not cats.

Fox has at least two consonants and at least one vowel. Fox is cat.

so elf, dog, orc, dad, mom, sis, hat, rat, bat, lad, gal, rad, pig, cow, cad, bag, hag, roc, pan are all equivalent to a cat and therefore are not concepts that are allowed to be played because they are equivalent to catgirls?

well, "pan" is a word that is a synonym for "omni" meaning "everything" so I guess we will just have to not allow all concepts at all, forever.

That might just be the biggest hasty generalization argument I have ever read. Well done.

I know, he forgot that people, humans, bananas, bananananananas, cakes, fire, ten year old tins of condensed milk, and clubbing baby seals (as in they're in a club, not that I'm killing them) are all cats by the criteria given.

I'm actually playing a character on these forums who is based off of bag, hag, and cat (undead cat familiar.)

Exactly, now you get it.

No sig for you!

Exactly, everything is a cat, the Illuminati is not run by lizard men, it is being run by Kajiit. Notice the rising numbers of Skooma abuse.



I wish I had enough room to quote this.

The Jewels in the Forest

"The Gnomes used to have many mines. But now they have gnome ore."

[Dire Moose]

Let us never forget this classic one from A_Moon (original here).

How many times, when the Fighter says "I draw my sword", did you just want to smack that cheating-optimizer in the face and say "No! You don't draw your sword! You draw Orcus!". When the Cleric says "I run away from Orcus!": "No! You run into Orcus! Rogue tries to hide? He hides behind Orcus! The bard in a tavern on the other side the town tries to order a drink? How about a nice frothy mug of Orcus?

[TurboGhast]

Roll 1d20 twice on this table for background skills, rerolling duplicates:
1: Acrobatics
2: Animal Handling
3: Arcana
4: Athletics
5: Deception
6: History
7: Insight
8: Intimidation
9: Investigation
10: Medicine
11: Nature
12: Perception
13: Performance
14: Persuasion
15: Religion
16: Sleight of Hand
17: Stealth
18: Survival
19-20: reroll
21: Meteor Swarm once per day as a Minor Action.

The rest of that thread was also fairly amusing to read due to the extreme salinity that the UA caused, but only after I got over my case of saltiness.