LGBTAI+ #58 Infinity 2.0: The Darth Arminius Apology Thread

[Shamash]

I found this really powerful poem on tumblr. TW for basically anything to do with being queer (homophobia, conversion therapy, suicide etc).

Spoiler

Show

"Seventeen things you have to learn for yourself
as a Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual, Pansexual
or otherwise Queer youth
by the time you are seventeen.

One is that the first Pride was a riot
I don’t mean that it was full of laughter, or that it was some grand party
where everyone spiraled up to dance among the stars
because the only glittering that night
was broken glass on cobblestones.
The first Pride was a riot
on the backstreets of New York
and they never tell us
that night
we won.
The only protest
in a decade full of turmoil
where the cops had to hide out in the bar they raided
and run from shouting rioters
who fought to reclaim the only patch of ground they had ever claimed as theirs
the first Pride was a riot,

and two, around the same time it took place
it was a debated topic in the gay community
whether or not they should say
that they weren’t mentally ill

which, three, homosexuality was removed
from the American Psychiatric Association’s list of mental illnesses
in 1974
congratulations
all it took was a vote to declare that, whoops, we were never mentally ill

except, four, there are still teenagers being tortured today
in what some dare blaspheme as “therapy”
used to destroy their self-identity
in the hopes of making them normal.
except, four, the queer community still carries overwhelmingly high rates for poverty and homelessness and depression.

Did you know that, five,
over half the children forced into conversion therapy
commit suicide?

And six, that lesbians
were regarded as “hangers-on”
of the movement
by much of the gay community
before the AIDS crisis?

Because it turns out, seven can wear a rainbow on your shirt
and still be a bigot.
There are people who stick rainbows in their ears
or wear them on their fingers
or slap them across their cheeks in badges of defiance
and will still hate you for the color of your skin
or the size of your thighs
or your gender
or the way you like to kiss two or more genders
or none of the above.
Don’t ask me why this happens
it just does
I think it might be that we’ve all been taught to hate ourselves
for so damn long
that we don’t understand what to do
in a space with no hate.
Or maybe it’s that the space seems too small, because

eight, there are people who will tell you that you are not enough
that you do not reach the magical benchmark of “gay enough” to pass through the gate even
especially
when you are some flavor of the rainbow other than straight-out gay.
eight, this is bull****
eight, those people are bull****.
eight, you are enough.
eight, there is always enough room.

nine, there is no overarching “homosexual agenda”
sorry
we’re all kind of flailing along in here trying to figure out some way to make it work
when most of us have nothing in common
except that society looked at us in different ways and decided we didn’t fit
so we could all go be misfits together
under one big rainbow flag

but just so you know, ten, there are plenty of other flags
there is one for you, I promise

and eleven, misfits may not all need the same things
but we need to stick together, especially in a world where

twelve—refer to point seven—there are lesbians who hate other lesbians
for having the audacity to be born in a body
that everyone looked at and saw “boy”
which brings me to

thirteen, there is so much to understand.

fourteen, you need to understand
because we need to stick together
and to stick together we do not have to be the same but we do have to understand
and it will be hard because
you were probably thrown into this world with no warning because

fifteen, being queer is not genetic and we are not unique among minorities
in that we collect our heritage through broken bits of history and research in a world constantly working to make those misfit bits go away
but we are unique in that when we try to prove our legacy
we can be laughed down
or re-erased
or flat out ignored
but I swear to you
you have a history as old as Alexander the Great
as beautiful as Sappho
as dignified as Abraham Lincoln
and as proud as Eleanor Roosevelt.

But even with that behind us
sixteen,
they have always watched us die.
because even though the bystander effect is bull****, sixteen
Kitty Genovese was a lesbian, sixteen
Ronald Reagan is a mass murderer, sixteen
our children, your brothers and sisters and siblings of all stripes and all colors and sexualities and genders are being murdered
through neglect
and rejection
and hate.

Sixteen, there is an entire generation of gay and bisexual men
missing from history
because the government chose to do nothing
when they were dying by the thousands.
sixteen, we died from the disease and died from going back into the closet and died for staying there and died for coming out,
sixteen, they laughed at us because they believed god was punishing us for daring to love,
sixteen, ashes of your forerunners rest on the lawn of the White House because
SIXTEEN, THEY HAVE ALWAYS WATCHED US DIE.

SEVENTEEN
you are allowed
to be angry.
You do not have to be one of the nice gays
or one of the nice trans people
or sweet or kind or educate the rest of the world in something less than a yell
you are allowed to be so furious it scalds your bones
at the way we are forgotten
and passed over
at the way, as soon as June becomes July
we are expected
to go back to dying in silence
and mourning our dead
and kissing all alone
when no one can be offended
at the sight of us.
You are allowed to be angry
and scream down the stars
to shatter like broken glass at your feet
because you know what?
The first Pride
was a riot."

Source

That's really strong, I really liked most of it, but I'm not a fan of the "Watched us die" part, homosexuality was a new thing for everybody, a lot of straight people worked hard during the AIDs outbreak to help everyone, I don't think it is fair to portray straight people as horrible villains and gay people as the Damsel in Distress.

I also don't like the "allowed to be angry" part, we are better than that, such attitude won't help at all.

[Lycunadari]

That's really strong, I really liked most of it, but I'm not a fan of the "Watched us die" part, homosexuality was a new thing for everybody, a lot of straight people worked hard during the AIDs outbreak to help everyone, I don't think it is fair to portray straight people as horrible villains and gay people as the Damsel in Distress.

I also don't like the "allowed to be angry" part, we are better than that, such attitude won't help at all.

Homosexuality has been around literally forever, and while you could say that awareness of other sexualities was low, by the time the AIDS crisis started that argument doesn't really hold (for reference, the stonewall riots were in 1969, and the CDC first published a report about AIDS in 1981.). And the thing is, that while there were of course straight people who helped and did their best, homophobia played a huge role in why so so many queer people died of AIDS. People ignored it, research was underfunded, straight people said AIDS was a punishment for being gay, bi men were blamed for spreading it to straight people, families refused to bury their dead gay sons... I think it's fair to characterise this as "They watched us die". Look up the history of AIDS, it's horrible but I think it is important for queer people to know this part of our history.

And anger is an important emotion, and trying to suppress it doesn't really work and isn't healthy at all anyway. Anger is powerful, anger can lead to change, to action. Anger is what makes us stand up in the face of injustice and say No, that's enough, I won't allow this any longer. Anger means being alive, and caring.
I understand not liking anger, anger can be scary, and anger can seem mean and pointless. And for a long time, I didn't allow myself to be angry, ever, to the point where I wasn't sure if I even could get angry anymore. But that only lead me to redirect my feelings - to sadness, to fear, to shame - and these feelings aren't productive. They made me powerless, and hopeless. And suppressing one emotion messes up all your emotions, and is a great way to mess up your mental health.
So now I'm trying to relearn being angry, trying to reclaim my feelings (I have chronic depression), so I can be alive again, fully, without holding back. I don't think I'll ever be someone who is full of explosive rage, that's just not who I am. But having some anger is just part of being a healthy human being, and I'd like to be healthy. And I think being angry at the pain that comes with being queer in a society that rejects us is a good reason to be angry.
I'm allowed to be angry.


And now some cuteness to lighten the mood:

Spoiler

Show

source

[Eldest]

That's really strong, I really liked most of it, but I'm not a fan of the "Watched us die" part, homosexuality was a new thing for everybody, a lot of straight people worked hard during the AIDs outbreak to help everyone, I don't think it is fair to portray straight people as horrible villains and gay people as the Damsel in Distress.

I also don't like the "allowed to be angry" part, we are better than that, such attitude won't help at all.

Basically what Juniper said. Straight people really were that horrible with regards to the AIDS crisis. And we very much have the right to be angry about that mistreatment, even today.

[BiblioRook]

So mistaking the two threads, it was suggested that I post here rather then in the other one. Forgive the copy/paste (for the third time now actually) but as I said elsewhere it took a lot for me to get this written out the first time and I really don;t know if I would be up for trying to write it out again...
Less being ashamed and more just being shy I guess

In honor of Pride Month I figure it's as good a time as any to try talking about some things that I never really new how to address about myself, specifically in regard to sexual and gender identity. So much of the fear of bringing it up is less about worrying about ousting myself and getting excluded but rather actually in getting something wrong and offending the marginalized groups I might mistakenly try to identify with. But that's the thing, all of this is me trying to understand myself better so I have to understand while mistakes CAN be made bringing them out in the open and talking about them is the only way I probably will understand them better.

First on sexuality. I guess you can say that I identify as 'asexual', but I'm still a little grey on what that entails. Am I attracted to women over men? Solidly yes, but that too is not without it's caveat (more on that in the second point I guess. While the attraction is there I don't think I could ever say it's ever been sexual or even romantic attraction. Do I still desire relationships? Very much so, but I guess only in a platonic sense. Why is this one so hard to admit? Well I guess it has a lot to so with trust.It feels like what I have and feel is often also a tool used by those who do seek a romantic or sexual connection and constantly worry that people I interact with might see me in that way and put up walls just on suspicion. I don't know. I suppose the very concept of the 'Friend-zone' has really turned people toxic against the idea of platonic relationships.

Gender identity is trickier for me because for all the LGBTQ terms out there (and more being made all the time) 'm not at all sure where I fall. To get right to the point, I've never really been shy on how much I tend to identify with women and female characters, but I'm not really sure if I ever stressed by just how much Or rather, to take it from a different prospective, just how much I often CAN'T identify with men or male characters. This is disorienting to say the least. I mean it would be easy if I identified as female myself or something but I can pretty confidently say that that really isn't the case. At the same time though I continue to seek out female characters, female friends, or playing females in video games... and honestly I'm not 100% as to why. Actually though it's the other side of that that I find more worrying due to the deep discomfort I feel when dealing with men or things overtly masculine, it's arguably to the point where in interferes with my ability to function fluidly in society because more often then not being who or what I am being defaulted into working with men or masculine things is where society places me and I have no idea on how to do anything about that...

[Nemirthel]

So I finally came out to my mom and my brothers (by email). I'm simultaneously immensely relieved that I don't have to keep them thinking that I'm male anymore and more stressed waiting to hear back than I was while waiting to find out if I got into grad school.

Even though I decided to tell them before my other relatives because they at least claim to be accepting, I'm still nervous. Probably mostly because I hate waiting on things I can't control.

Edit: My mom apparently already suspected I was trans. She's scared about me transitioning because of the amount of violence against trans people, but I can work with that. It's not like I'm not scared myself.

[Prospekt]

So I've slowly been coming out to my various family members. So far, two of my sisters, and they've both been really supportive and glad I told them, and they like my new name (Amber Deanna, for the record!) I still have one more sister and a brother to come out to, so... wish me luck on that front. My mom also kind of knows but she doesn't know I've been transitioning and living as Amber full-time.

And uh, here's a recent selfie of me. I've been on HRT for 10 months now!

[JNAProductions]

So I've slowly been coming out to my various family members. So far, two of my sisters, and they've both been really supportive and glad I told them, and they like my new name (Amber Deanna, for the record!) I still have one more sister and a brother to come out to, so... wish me luck on that front. My mom also kind of knows but she doesn't know I've been transitioning and living as Amber full-time.

And uh, here's a recent selfie of me. I've been on HRT for 10 months now!

Hey, looking nice!

And I like that name. Is cool. :)

[WarKitty]

[Comrade]

So I finally came out to my mom and my brothers (by email). I'm simultaneously immensely relieved that I don't have to keep them thinking that I'm male anymore and more stressed waiting to hear back than I was while waiting to find out if I got into grad school.

Even though I decided to tell them before my other relatives because they at least claim to be accepting, I'm still nervous. Probably mostly because I hate waiting on things I can't control.

Edit: My mom apparently already suspected I was trans. She's scared about me transitioning because of the amount of violence against trans people, but I can work with that. It's not like I'm not scared myself.

Congratulations on coming out-- and it's good to hear your mother's concerned but not (from what you've said) opposed to your transition. I hope your brothers are supportive!

So I've slowly been coming out to my various family members. So far, two of my sisters, and they've both been really supportive and glad I told them, and they like my new name (Amber Deanna, for the record!) I still have one more sister and a brother to come out to, so... wish me luck on that front. My mom also kind of knows but she doesn't know I've been transitioning and living as Amber full-time.

And uh, here's a recent selfie of me. I've been on HRT for 10 months now!

That's great! Glad your family has been fairly supportive, and hopefully your other sister and brother are supportive as well. You look great, by the way.

[Shamash]

Homosexuality has been around literally forever, and while you could say that awareness of other sexualities was low, by the time the AIDS crisis started that argument doesn't really hold (for reference, the stonewall riots were in 1969, and the CDC first published a report about AIDS in 1981.). And the thing is, that while there were of course straight people who helped and did their best, homophobia played a huge role in why so so many queer people died of AIDS. People ignored it, research was underfunded, straight people said AIDS was a punishment for being gay, bi men were blamed for spreading it to straight people, families refused to bury their dead gay sons... I think it's fair to characterise this as "They watched us die". Look up the history of AIDS, it's horrible but I think it is important for queer people to know this part of our history.

And anger is an important emotion, and trying to suppress it doesn't really work and isn't healthy at all anyway. Anger is powerful, anger can lead to change, to action. Anger is what makes us stand up in the face of injustice and say No, that's enough, I won't allow this any longer. Anger means being alive, and caring.
I understand not liking anger, anger can be scary, and anger can seem mean and pointless. And for a long time, I didn't allow myself to be angry, ever, to the point where I wasn't sure if I even could get angry anymore. But that only lead me to redirect my feelings - to sadness, to fear, to shame - and these feelings aren't productive. They made me powerless, and hopeless. And suppressing one emotion messes up all your emotions, and is a great way to mess up your mental health.
So now I'm trying to relearn being angry, trying to reclaim my feelings (I have chronic depression), so I can be alive again, fully, without holding back. I don't think I'll ever be someone who is full of explosive rage, that's just not who I am. But having some anger is just part of being a healthy human being, and I'd like to be healthy. And I think being angry at the pain that comes with being queer in a society that rejects us is a good reason to be angry.
I'm allowed to be angry.


And now some cuteness to lighten the mood:

Spoiler

Show

source

Basically what Juniper said. Straight people really were that horrible with regards to the AIDS crisis. And we very much have the right to be angry about that mistreatment, even today.

But...But... But Anger leads to the dark side!

[Coidzor]

All this talk about AIDS culpability got me to thinking about the age of the people who were making decisions at the time. 71 is how old the youngest possible person with any real input into the situation(35) would be today. 76 to 96 for the majority of people who would have been in office or controlling scientific and medical inst.

Basically everyone you'd meet under the age of about 60 was a child, not born yet, or still in their college years at the time things really started up in 1981. Anyone below the age of about 55 was a child. Anyone under the age of 36-37, was not yet born or was just born.

Mildly interesting, that.

[Mystic Muse]

Okay, so, very little ptogress on my end, which is why I haven't posted in a while (don't even know the current topic, sorry). Still not out to my immediate famiky, let alone extended.

However, Lex-Kat just gave me two sets of breast forms, and I was hoping to find somewhere to buy some bras discreetly.

Edit: To clarify, my mom amd dad know, I just need to tell my siblings.

[Lycunadari]

Okay, so, very little ptogress on my end, which is why I haven't posted in a while (don't even know the current topic, sorry). Still not out to my immediate famiky, let alone extended.

However, Lex-Kat just gave me two sets of breast forms, and I was hoping to find somewhere to buy some bras discreetly.

Edit: To clarify, my mom amd dad know, I just need to tell my siblings.

Hey, good to hear from you again! Are you planning on coming out to the rest of your family? If so, good luck!
Also, good luck with the bra buying! It can be hard to find one that's fitting comfortably, but there are some that are comfortable. (I've been told. Haven't worn a bra in years. )

--------

So, a funny thing happened. A few months ago, I was asking my mom what she thought of the name I was considering as my new middle name, without telling her that that's the reason I was asking her about it. She didn't particularly like it. So, since then I've been kind of agonising about how to tell her that I have decided I want that name as my new middle name without her complaining about it (as she did with my new first name, at first. She's good now.). And considering I'll get my new supplementary ID card soon, I can't put it off any longer. Yesterday I talked with her about a book we both read a few years ago, which has a character with the name. And today I told her that I need to think of new middle names (almost everyone in my family has two middle names) and without me saying anything else she suggested that name. I guess I worried about nothing.

(The name's Tristan, btw.)

[Lissou]

Tristan is a beautiful name :)

[137beth]

Hey, good to hear from you again! Are you planning on coming out to the rest of your family? If so, good luck!
Also, good luck with the bra buying! It can be hard to find one that's fitting comfortably, but there are some that are comfortable. (I've been told. Haven't worn a bra in years. )

--------

So, a funny thing happened. A few months ago, I was asking my mom what she thought of the name I was considering as my new middle name, without telling her that that's the reason I was asking her about it. She didn't particularly like it. So, since then I've been kind of agonising about how to tell her that I have decided I want that name as my new middle name without her complaining about it (as she did with my new first name, at first. She's good now.). And considering I'll get my new supplementary ID card soon, I can't put it off any longer. Yesterday I talked with her about a book we both read a few years ago, which has a character with the name. And today I told her that I need to think of new middle names (almost everyone in my family has two middle names) and without me saying anything else she suggested that name. I guess I worried about nothing.

(The name's Tristan, btw.)

Hurray for accepting parents!

[WarKitty]

So...how would one go about looking for LGBTQ-friendly tailors?

[Lentrax]

No idea. I don't even know how to find a tailor to begin with.

Maybe I should take up sewing myself.

[Yora]

Good new, everyone.

Earlier this week the chancelor of Germany made a statement that she thinks members of her ruling party should vote based on their individual decisions if there were a vote about introducing full same-sex marriage in Germany, instead of everyone being asked to vote according to the official party manifesto. All the other mainstream parties in the German parliament already support it and there are considerable number of people in the conservative party who are also for it.
And in a surprising move someone managed to get a call for a vote on the agenda this friday, on the last day before parliament closes over the summer.

This comes really sudden and insanely quick. It's been 16 years since the Dutch made this step as (one of?) the first and it has always been a disgrace that German law always is so ridiculously slow in adapting to changing attitudes on social issues. I didn't really expect to see it happen within the next 10 years. And now it looks like we're probably getting it within less than week.

At the same time I find it somewhat worrisome that we have been denied a basic human right in this country because a single person was holding back the whole process. We could have been at this point 10 years ago. But I guess you should be greatful for what you get.

Drafting and introducing the law should be really easy compared to how difficult it usually can be to change laws. All you relly have to do is change the words "a man and a woman" into "two people" in the existing law and you're done with it. I am eagerly awaiting how this will turn out in friday.

[Shamash]

Good new, everyone.

Earlier this week the chancelor of Germany made a statement that she thinks members of her ruling party should vote based on their individual decisions if there were a vote about introducing full same-sex marriage in Germany, instead of everyone being asked to vote according to the official party manifesto. All the other mainstream parties in the German parliament already support it and there are considerable number of people in the conservative party who are also for it.
And in a surprising move someone managed to get a call for a vote on the agenda this friday, on the last day before parliament closes over the summer.

This comes really sudden and insanely quick. It's been 16 years since the Dutch made this step as (one of?) the first and it has always been a disgrace that German law always is so ridiculously slow in adapting to changing attitudes on social issues. I didn't really expect to see it happen within the next 10 years. And now it looks like we're probably getting it within less than week.

At the same time I find it somewhat worrisome that we have been denied a basic human right in this country because a single person was holding back the whole process. We could have been at this point 10 years ago. But I guess you should be greatful for what you get.

Drafting and introducing the law should be really easy compared to how difficult it usually can be to change laws. All you relly have to do is change the words "a man and a woman" into "two people" in the existing law and you're done with it. I am eagerly awaiting how this will turn out in friday.

That rocks! Keep us updated.

[Recherché]

So...how would one go about looking for LGBTQ-friendly tailors?

It really depends on what you want out of the tailor, but a lot of the sewers I know are pretty LGBT friendly (myself included). If you're looking for trans specific stuff it's not so much that we're unfriendly as it's not something most people are trained for so I'd be sort of winging it.

One group that not only tend to be very LGBT friendly but also have a fair amount of experience with making odd requests are theatrical costumers. However they might not be taking commissions.

[golentan]

It really depends on what you want out of the tailor, but a lot of the sewers I know are pretty LGBT friendly (myself included). If you're looking for trans specific stuff it's not so much that we're unfriendly as it's not something most people are trained for so I'd be sort of winging it.

One group that not only tend to be very LGBT friendly but also have a fair amount of experience with making odd requests are theatrical costumers. However they might not be taking commissions.

~shrug~ Been getting a lot of adverts for a brand called Tomboy underwear which seems aimed at trans/enby customers, and I know of several LGBT focused stores around the town where I live that I could ask about other suppliers/brands, but as far as tailoring tailoring... I haven't used a real tailor myself in decades and wouldn't know where to begin.

[Luz]

Hi guys, it's me again. Still sad and depressed.

I went to YouTube to see the new #proud to be video, saw the comments and the dislikes, saw how horrible people can be.

Still going bald, still taking a medicine that may stop it in vain attempt to keep my hair that nature said it has to fall.

Still the same medicine may make me impotent, still wondering if that's good or bad.

Thinking about running away, knowing that I can't.

Still tuck on a dead end job, with no disposition to improve.

Still stuck with parents that hate me for who I’m.

Still lying and pretending.

I’m tired guys… I’m really really tired.

[Recherché]

Hi guys, it's me again. Still sad and depressed.

I went to YouTube to see the new #proud to be video, saw the comments and the dislikes, saw how horrible people can be.

Still going bald, still taking a medicine that may stop it in vain attempt to keep my hair that nature said it has to fall.

Still the same medicine may make me impotent, still wondering if that's good or bad.

Thinking about running away, knowing that I can't.

Still tuck on a dead end job, with no disposition to improve.

Still stuck with parents that hate me for who I’m.

Still lying and pretending.

I’m tired guys… I’m really really tired.

-hugs-

There are bad people in the world but there are also good ones and youtube comments are generally not the place to find the best of humanity. We can still be the best people we can be though and we can try to make the world better. Also any chance you could look at finding a better job? Possibly far away from your parents? Sometimes distance can help and its pretty socially acceptable to move away for a job. Can't help you with the hair loss and meds due to not being a doctor but talking to someone who is might be helpful.

[Lentrax]

Hi guys, it's me again. Still sad and depressed.

I went to YouTube to see the new #proud to be video, saw the comments and the dislikes, saw how horrible people can be.

Still going bald, still taking a medicine that may stop it in vain attempt to keep my hair that nature said it has to fall.

Still the same medicine may make me impotent, still wondering if that's good or bad.

Thinking about running away, knowing that I can't.

Still tuck on a dead end job, with no disposition to improve.

Still stuck with parents that hate me for who I’m.

Still lying and pretending.

I’m tired guys… I’m really really tired.

If you need someone to talk/vent to, feel free to send me a PM.

I'm here to listen.

[Shamash]

Hi guys, it's me again. Still sad and depressed.

I went to YouTube to see the new #proud to be video, saw the comments and the dislikes, saw how horrible people can be.

Still going bald, still taking a medicine that may stop it in vain attempt to keep my hair that nature said it has to fall.

Still the same medicine may make me impotent, still wondering if that's good or bad.

Thinking about running away, knowing that I can't.

Still tuck on a dead end job, with no disposition to improve.

Still stuck with parents that hate me for who I’m.

Still lying and pretending.

I’m tired guys… I’m really really tired.

That's sound really bad, no one should pass thought this, if you want to talk just PM me.

[Asmodean_]

Meanwhile, on twitter:



I have no words

DISCLAIMER: I do in fact have several words; they are, in order: meanwhile, on, twitter, I, have,
no, words

[Vorpal Soda]

Sadly, I've know people who genuinely ask why there isn't a heterosexual pride day.

[Lycunadari]

Parliament voted in favour of marriage equality!!!

[Yora]

Whooooo

[Luz]

I'm doing all the things this video tell me not to do.

-hugs-

There are bad people in the world but there are also good ones and youtube comments are generally not the place to find the best of humanity. We can still be the best people we can be though and we can try to make the world better. Also any chance you could look at finding a better job? Possibly far away from your parents? Sometimes distance can help and its pretty socially acceptable to move away for a job. Can't help you with the hair loss and meds due to not being a doctor but talking to someone who is might be helpful.

I know that, I don't usually read comments but for some reason I decided to scroll down and see, I really regret doing it.

I need to start my master degree, mean while I'm giving classes on a small university that cares more about money than doing real science, I feel I'm not qualified to give classes, my students don't really care about my classes.

A former teacher of mine who really believed in me and gave me a lot of support was helping me start my master in a great university but now she had to go away and left me in the hands of another professor who is really arrogant and annoying.

She asked me to do a pre-project, I was supposed to do it last month but I haven't even started and we are in the middle of the year. I just can’t get on writing, I feel nothing I do is good enough. I’m stuck.