Relationship Woes and Advice XXVII: Sarcasm Will Not Be Tolerated

[Deathslayer7]

I feel like if I don't say anything, she will assume we are still best friends when I no longer feel that way, and that to me sounds more problematic than just being open and honest about how I feel.

[Stan]

I feel like if I don't say anything, she will assume we are still best friends when I no longer feel that way, and that to me sounds more problematic than just being open and honest about how I feel.

(note, I'm sorry if I tend to be blunt but I do try to help.)

Obviously, I'm oblivious to the details and personalities, but I generally agree with AMFV. If you make a big deal out of it, it is very likely to end the relationship and most people will think it's your fault.

In my experience, there are mainly two types of people who use text for big news. 1. They're thoughtless jerks. 2. They're conflicted and anxious ridden and a bit afraid of the reaction the news will cause and can't deal with the added stress of in person/phone with the barrage of questions that will follow. It's possible that your friend has become so caught up in their wife's world that they are #1. But, given how stressful coming out as transgender can be (or any big life change, really), I suspect #2. Do they know that you don't entirely like their wife? Have they ever given the impression that they have some misgivings about their relationship? Given that you have been planning your wedding, they probably knew you'd be hurt by not being at their wedding and were afraid to tell you (yet they let it happen anyway). These are all reasons that they might have went the text route, avoiding conflict but making things worse.

Many people have issues with their significant other's friends. It's quite possible that the wife is jealous of you or feels threatened by you. This can happen even if you never gave them a reason - it can be an issue that's entirely inside of them.

Short answer: Sorry, it really sucks, especially with the timing. Rather than making it worse at this time and ruining your mood for your wedding, try to push it aside and enjoy your wedding. Either the friend realizes how crappy a friend they've been and makes amends or you become semi-friends instead - your friend is probably going throw a lot and needs time to work it out.

[lio45]

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As far as it goes, dating isn't necessarily supposed to be all that enjoyable. It's kind of like college or an apprenticeship, or trade school. It's the work you're putting in before-hand to get to the part that's actually fun. It involves going on a lot of things that aren't going to pan out, and that sucks all-around. Of course, desperation is a bad tack, but complete apathy can be as well, unless that's something you're going to be content with later.

I disagree with this. I know many people who love this "thrill of the hunt" and prefer it to the routine of a relationship.

I suppose it mostly comes down to whether or not you're good at it or bad at it. If you're bad at whatever, then you might look forward to the end of it. If you're bad at golf, you might wish you could fast forward to the moment where you finish your day on the links with a decent score, so the potential business relations you're playing with aren't amused by your lack of skill. In such a case, the end result is what's important, and the pressure on your shoulders for that end result, which isn't guaranteed at all, will taint the entire process unfavorably, making it unenjoyable.

But if you somehow knew for sure that it would end well for you, then it'd be different, and you probably could enjoy the process.

If you're confident enough it'll end well for you (due to experience and skill and whatnot at that particular activity), then it's the same thing -- you probably won't wish you could skip it all and jump straight to the successful ending.

[Jon_Dahl]

My ex-girlfriend invited me to live with her and her family for five weeks when I go to Brazil next year, free of charge. The whole family has invited me. I don't know what to think about this.

[Lethologica]

If you replace "ex-girlfriend" with "friend", it seems straightforward (and a very nice thing for them to do). I would suggest keeping firmly in that mindset unless something utterly explicit contradicts it.

[lio45]

My ex-girlfriend invited me to live with her and her family for five weeks when I go to Brazil next year, free of charge. The whole family has invited me. I don't know what to think about this.

That doesn't strike me as an abnormal level of hospitality for South America, provided you two left each other in good terms.

Incidentally, one of my exes, who recently got kicked out of Australia as her visa expired and didn't really have anywhere to temporarily crash, got to live with me for a month and a half for free as well (she was cooking, often feeding me, and also contributed a bit to the electricity bill). She's a decently close friend, so, why not?

[lio45]

If you replace "ex-girlfriend" with "friend", it seems straightforward (and a very nice thing for them to do). I would suggest keeping firmly in that mindset unless something utterly explicit contradicts it.

Exactly. The thing is, it's highly context-dependent, and we don't have any context: who left the other, and why, and how did the other take it, etc.

If you two are currently friends, and it's a situation that's very clear and stable and drama-free, then it's not an abnormal thing to do to offer that.

[Jon_Dahl]

Ok, that makes sense, but it might still make things a bit complicated if I want to date/chase other women while I'm there. But I guess life is full of choices, right?

[lio45]

Ok, that makes sense, but it might still make things a bit complicated if I want to date/chase other women while I'm there. But I guess life is full of choices, right?

Shouldn't have any bearing on your dating activities, except that you don't really have the option of "bringing them home", but then, free lodging, beggars can't be choosers.

[Jon_Dahl]

Very much to the point. Thank you.

[lio45]

In any case, I would suggest making sure things are clear between the two of you. She might have genuinely offered that as a friend, or else she might have as a plot to attempt to get you back. We have no way to tell which it is from the way you stated the situation, but you, with all the context available, should definitely be in a position to be able to tell.

As I said earlier, if you two are now friends and that situation is stable and drama-free (say, you both have new stable relationship partners now, you're both happy with your partners, and you both know the other's happy), then sure, why not crash there.

[Jon_Dahl]

She dumped me because she got tired of me and tired of LDR, but everything still happened drama-free. As always, I didn't waste time mulling over the situation and moved on. I didn't hear anything from her for months. However, I've been talking with our mutual friend about my upcoming trip and he has apparently told everything to her. Now she came out of nowhere with this offer.

[Chen]

So I have a really really long post coming up. I could use some advice on how to treat this. I hope I explained how I am feeling. It's hard right now.

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A few things to note before i get started:

• We have been best friends since 4th grade; that is about 15+ years of friendship.
• He is now a she; but I will refer to he before she switched. Not out of malice or spite or anything, but just to present a clear, concise train of thought. More on this later.
• I've been planning my wedding for almost two years now. It is a big wedding ~175 people give or take.
• I made my best friend the best man, but then had to drop him to a groomsmen because of reasons.

So I live in Vegas and my best friend lives in Reno. He moved there about 5 years ago, and while we don't talk as much as we normally would if he lived down here, we still had a perfectly good relationship. I would come visit 1-2 a year when I could make it. Him a little less often. We talked and texted, etc. like normal people. I've tried being friendly with his girlfriend (soon to be wife), but I almost feel like she is scared of stepping out of her bubble. Every time I've been up there, and I'm having a good time with him, she would come in to ruin the party. I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to rock the boat or make her feel unwelcome. Honestly though, it sucked and it ruined my time there.

Some examples (this is the course over years):

• We were at a bar in Reno, and she didn't want him drinking. I mean socially drinking not looking to get drunk. This stems back to her fear of her dad being an alcoholic. I can partially understand this, but she has never understood that having a beer and talking is not the same as being an alcoholic.
• We were having a board game night/DnD night and she threw the biggest fit in front of multiple people that just ruined the rest of the night and people left.
• More to come later

A year ago he got married. No reception, no ceremony. Literally they just walked into the courthouse with two witnesses. I was hurt because I found out through a text message saying "We got married!" plus a picture. Apparently it was a spur of the moment but it still hurt because I wanted to be there for him and I didn't get that chance. I never really got the full story out of him as to why he got married and that is one of the parts that still stings at me to this day. Sometimes I think they might have gotten married to do it before me. I don't know anymore if they would be that petty or not but I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

A few months ago, he came out to me as transgender. I know this must have been hard for her. I might not agree with that choice, but I will fully support her and I will not judge her for it. That is a personal choice and I'm sure it was not something that came easy to her. The problem I have is again, I got a text saying "I'm transgender" and no explanation whatsoever to follow why she chose to switch.

Fast forward to today, I am having my wedding this Saturday, and I just got a message last night/this morning saying she wasn't going to make it to the wedding. Before the wedding even started, she knew she was a groomsmen, and after she came out, I specifically asked her "If she felt comfortable enough to dress in a tux?" for that night. At the time she said yes, but not she changed her mind. 4 days before the wedding.

Her argument is:

• Money is a very big issues for her. I offered to help split the costs with her. While I can't afford a flight because they are super expensive at this point, I did offer to help rent a car and pay for it and have her drive down.
• This above part really irks me because they came two weeks before the wedding to hang out and drove down (both her and her wife). You have money two weeks ago to drive down, but two weeks later you don't? I think it was to tell me about the wedding and how she wouldn't make it, but she never got around to it. It also irked me because we were supposed to hang out, but it never really happened. Her wife wanted to go meet with her sister, and my best friend went with her. We took them out to dinner the first night and let them stay in the spare bedroom. That's about all the hanging out we really did. After that they just hung out with her sister. I understand she wants to hang out with her sister, but what about me? They were supposed to make dinner for us the last night but we didn't get a text till 8pm saying they were with her sister getting a tattoo and couldn't make dinner. 8pm! I figured it out at that point. I felt a bit used.
• She doesn't want to do the drive down here. It is 7.5 hour drive and I understand. It is a long/boring drive especially when she comes in Friday night and has to leave Sunday morning. I feel like this is partly poor planning on her part for not asking for a day off. Yes I understand the drive sucks, but I only get married once and you are my best friend. I want you there.
• She doesn't feel she can handle the pressure of being down here alone without her support. I feel this is the only reasonable one of the bunch. I understand I am asking a lot here, but I specifically asked her when you came out to me if this was going to be a problem because I didn't want her doing something she wasn't comfortable with. If you didn't want to dress up in a tux, just tell me. I would have been slightly hurt but I would have understood. I still would have invited you as a guest.

Anyway, yeah so now 4 days before I get a text saying she is dropping out because she can't handle it. Being frank, I'm hurt. At this point I feel like I can't call her my best friend anymore. I knew HIM, I don't know HER. I don't know what she does for fun anymore. I don't know what she does day to day. Is it still the same? Is it different? At this point I feel like we are starting over, and I don't know how to communicate that without making it feel like she is being attacked.

To sum it up, I feel the wedding and the transgender hit me out of the blue. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Then this just happened and I'm done. I accepted it the first two times, but this time I just can't do it anymore. It hurts so much, I imagined myself sitting on the floor vodka bottle in hand drinking just to dull the pain last night. I feel so much pain and I'm constantly disappointed and this was the last straw. I talked with my soon-to-be-wife last night and cried. I haven't cried in ages. This morning isn't much better.

So how do I got about explaining all this to my ex-best friend? I should say I have no problem rekindling the friendship, but after all this, I'm not sure if I even want too.

There are very few reasons it'd be acceptable to cancel coming to a wedding 4 days before, when you're part of the wedding party. None of the reasons presented are sudden ones and all could have been told to you earlier. So they're in the wrong there 100%.

As to the reasons themselves, the money one is bull****. As you mentioned there was another trip that was just done that could have been easily skipped or combined with the wedding trip (barring something you don't know regarding her and her sister that might have made the trip necessary I suppose). Not wanting to drive is also bull****. How else did she think she was going to get there if no fly? It's not like you changed the venue at the last second. The last excuse of not having their support present is a bit unclear. Was their wife not going to be there? Is she talking about some other form of support (extended family/friends)? I mean if you hadn't invited her wife, then sure that's on you and I could see why she could be uncomfortable or anxious without that support. If she's talking about extended family or friends its downright ridiculous. I can't imagine she spends every waking hour with those people and a phone call can be done from pretty much anywhere.

[Aedilred]

There are very few reasons it'd be acceptable to cancel coming to a wedding 4 days before, when you're part of the wedding party.

There are very few reasons it'd be acceptable to cancel coming to a wedding 4 days before, when you're part of the wedding party.

I feel like these are both also appropriate formulations.

That you haven't been included in their life to the same extent you include them in yours could mean the friendship is more one-way than you previously thought, or it could be indicative of something else. Unfortunately it's probably too late to address that right now.

It does sound rather like she's so wrapped up in her own issues that she's not considering yours. Her reasons don't sound insurmountable, but, speaking from experience, there's no point trying to address or rectify them all individually unless she's willing to work with you, because she'll find some other reason not to. When people give multiple trivial excuses rather than one big one it's usually indicative that they're looking for reasons not to do something rather than that something is genuinely getting in the way.

That sucks, but there's no point beating yourself up about it and making yourself miserable, especially during your wedding. There's often some pre-wedding drama involving some member of the wedding party or one of the families in question, and the only thing you can really do about it is try to make the best of things around it. Better that such drama comes up now rather than during the wedding, at least. I would advise just dropping it until after the wedding: treat her turning up as a bonus rather than something you expect, so you're pleased if she arrives rather than disappointed if she doesn't. Obviously being part of the wedding party makes that a little more difficult, but, realistically, groomsmen don't really have a lot of duties during the day and it should be easy to get the others to handle it.

Once the wedding is out of the way you will be less stressed and the situation will seem less urgent, so you can take it up with her more calmly. I would suggest telling her you were hurt she didn't tell you about their wedding, and that she didn't come to yours (especially at such short notice and after saying she would). I'd advise against bringing up the trans stuff though: that's her business, not yours, and if you bring it into the equation she may feel that that's really what you have a problem with. Instead focus on how she's let you down, and it's worth making the point that even if she is dealing with a lot of difficult stuff at the moment, this was your wedding, and she showed a serious lack of consideration in letting her problems affect that as much as she did.

[Icewraith]

So I have a really really long post coming up. I could use some advice on how to treat this. I hope I explained how I am feeling. It's hard right now.

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A few things to note before i get started:

• We have been best friends since 4th grade; that is about 15+ years of friendship.
• He is now a she; but I will refer to he before she switched. Not out of malice or spite or anything, but just to present a clear, concise train of thought. More on this later.
• I've been planning my wedding for almost two years now. It is a big wedding ~175 people give or take.
• I made my best friend the best man, but then had to drop him to a groomsmen because of reasons.

So I live in Vegas and my best friend lives in Reno. He moved there about 5 years ago, and while we don't talk as much as we normally would if he lived down here, we still had a perfectly good relationship. I would come visit 1-2 a year when I could make it. Him a little less often. We talked and texted, etc. like normal people. I've tried being friendly with his girlfriend (soon to be wife), but I almost feel like she is scared of stepping out of her bubble. Every time I've been up there, and I'm having a good time with him, she would come in to ruin the party. I didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want to rock the boat or make her feel unwelcome. Honestly though, it sucked and it ruined my time there.

Some examples (this is the course over years):

• We were at a bar in Reno, and she didn't want him drinking. I mean socially drinking not looking to get drunk. This stems back to her fear of her dad being an alcoholic. I can partially understand this, but she has never understood that having a beer and talking is not the same as being an alcoholic.
• We were having a board game night/DnD night and she threw the biggest fit in front of multiple people that just ruined the rest of the night and people left.
• More to come later

A year ago he got married. No reception, no ceremony. Literally they just walked into the courthouse with two witnesses. I was hurt because I found out through a text message saying "We got married!" plus a picture. Apparently it was a spur of the moment but it still hurt because I wanted to be there for him and I didn't get that chance. I never really got the full story out of him as to why he got married and that is one of the parts that still stings at me to this day. Sometimes I think they might have gotten married to do it before me. I don't know anymore if they would be that petty or not but I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

A few months ago, he came out to me as transgender. I know this must have been hard for her. I might not agree with that choice, but I will fully support her and I will not judge her for it. That is a personal choice and I'm sure it was not something that came easy to her. The problem I have is again, I got a text saying "I'm transgender" and no explanation whatsoever to follow why she chose to switch.

Fast forward to today, I am having my wedding this Saturday, and I just got a message last night/this morning saying she wasn't going to make it to the wedding. Before the wedding even started, she knew she was a groomsmen, and after she came out, I specifically asked her "If she felt comfortable enough to dress in a tux?" for that night. At the time she said yes, but not she changed her mind. 4 days before the wedding.

Her argument is:

• Money is a very big issues for her. I offered to help split the costs with her. While I can't afford a flight because they are super expensive at this point, I did offer to help rent a car and pay for it and have her drive down.
• This above part really irks me because they came two weeks before the wedding to hang out and drove down (both her and her wife). You have money two weeks ago to drive down, but two weeks later you don't? I think it was to tell me about the wedding and how she wouldn't make it, but she never got around to it. It also irked me because we were supposed to hang out, but it never really happened. Her wife wanted to go meet with her sister, and my best friend went with her. We took them out to dinner the first night and let them stay in the spare bedroom. That's about all the hanging out we really did. After that they just hung out with her sister. I understand she wants to hang out with her sister, but what about me? They were supposed to make dinner for us the last night but we didn't get a text till 8pm saying they were with her sister getting a tattoo and couldn't make dinner. 8pm! I figured it out at that point. I felt a bit used.
• She doesn't want to do the drive down here. It is 7.5 hour drive and I understand. It is a long/boring drive especially when she comes in Friday night and has to leave Sunday morning. I feel like this is partly poor planning on her part for not asking for a day off. Yes I understand the drive sucks, but I only get married once and you are my best friend. I want you there.
• She doesn't feel she can handle the pressure of being down here alone without her support. I feel this is the only reasonable one of the bunch. I understand I am asking a lot here, but I specifically asked her when you came out to me if this was going to be a problem because I didn't want her doing something she wasn't comfortable with. If you didn't want to dress up in a tux, just tell me. I would have been slightly hurt but I would have understood. I still would have invited you as a guest.

Anyway, yeah so now 4 days before I get a text saying she is dropping out because she can't handle it. Being frank, I'm hurt. At this point I feel like I can't call her my best friend anymore. I knew HIM, I don't know HER. I don't know what she does for fun anymore. I don't know what she does day to day. Is it still the same? Is it different? At this point I feel like we are starting over, and I don't know how to communicate that without making it feel like she is being attacked.

To sum it up, I feel the wedding and the transgender hit me out of the blue. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Then this just happened and I'm done. I accepted it the first two times, but this time I just can't do it anymore. It hurts so much, I imagined myself sitting on the floor vodka bottle in hand drinking just to dull the pain last night. I feel so much pain and I'm constantly disappointed and this was the last straw. I talked with my soon-to-be-wife last night and cried. I haven't cried in ages. This morning isn't much better.

So how do I got about explaining all this to my ex-best friend? I should say I have no problem rekindling the friendship, but after all this, I'm not sure if I even want too.

I don't know how much actual conversation you've had about this, but please make sure this kind of discussion happens via video chat or at least phone instead of text. This is the sort of emotionally loaded topic that tends to suffer horribly without vocal/facial cues.

Most of the possibilities here boil down to "there's something that wasn't a problem back then that is a problem now", whether it's the wife, the body issues, the friendship, whatever. Is the tuxedo non-negotiable? Is the wife refusing to drive down so the friend now doesn't want to? Is this just the end of the pretense of friendship? Some of these can be addressed in less than four days, some of them cannot.

Find out what's actually going on (as much as you can), and then either make accommodations or find a replacement. If you can't think of any other close friends or family you want in the wedding party, if whoever was going to be opposite your friend has a significant other you could consider asking them.

[lio45]

Most of the possibilities here boil down to "there's something that wasn't a problem back then that is a problem now", whether it's the wife, the body issues, the friendship, whatever.

Or maybe not; it's very possible that he (she) was uncomfortable with the idea back then, but since it was pretty far away in the future at the time, said it was okay (and probably sincerely hoped maybe it'd somehow be okay by the time the wedding is upon you all), but now that it's getting nearer, the fact that it's actually not okay is not inescapable anymore.

In other words, absolutely nothing's changed, except that the truth has to come out now due to the event being imminent.

[Deathslayer7]

I invited both her and her wife. The wife said she couldn't then she said she could then changed it back to couldn't. She's flip flopped multiple times now. Reason she can't come is because of work. Whether true or not I do not know.

But either way I think the issue of avoiding the trans stuff is inescapable as I believe the reason she didn't come down is because she didn't want to be questioned or interrogated. By that I mean the following:

I told my family before the wedding about her because I didn't want to make it a big deal at the wedding and they all seemed okay with it. I believe that she thinks that she is going to be interrogated about it which is why she does not want to come. I cant say i understand how she feels about that but i do believe it is a legitimate concern.

As to her wife not going she feels left without a support there. I am a support but I will be busy with wedding duties and talking to people etc to be of any help so to speak. What support constitutes I'm not necessarily sure in this case. It's being used a bit vaguely. I think she still feels uncomfortable in social situations.

At the moment I just texted her that we my family and I support and still love her and that this isn't meant to be a guilt trip. Pretty much left it at that. Probably going to text her after the wedding saying we need to talk. Preferably in person but seeing as we live 8 hours away skype might be better.

I do have a close cousin filling in for her so it's not really a problem there. Annoying but doable still.

And honestly I don't think she was okay with the idea at the very beginning but I rather have heard a hell no at that point then a no 4 days before the wedding. I even asked them if they would come as just a guest but I still got a no.

[Aedilred]

I invited both her and her wife. The wife said she couldn't then she said she could then changed it back to couldn't. She's flip flopped multiple times now. Reason she can't come is because of work. Whether true or not I do not know.

But either way I think the issue of avoiding the trans stuff is inescapable as I believe the reason she didn't come down is because she didn't want to be questioned or interrogated. By that I mean the following:

I agree that it probably is inescapable, because it probably is part of the reason. What I mean is, leave that for her to bring up, rather than bringing it up yourself. If she introduces it as the topic, even if it has previously been the elephant in the room, then it's less likely to make her feel challenged or like she's being interrogated on the subject, which it seems may be the problem.

I told my family before the wedding about her because I didn't want to make it a big deal at the wedding and they all seemed okay with it. I believe that she thinks that she is going to be interrogated about it which is why she does not want to come. I cant say i understand how she feels about that but i do believe it is a legitimate concern.

As to her wife not going she feels left without a support there. I am a support but I will be busy with wedding duties and talking to people etc to be of any help so to speak. What support constitutes I'm not necessarily sure in this case. It's being used a bit vaguely. I think she still feels uncomfortable in social situations.

And honestly I don't think she was okay with the idea at the very beginning but I rather have heard a hell no at that point then a no 4 days before the wedding. I even asked them if they would come as just a guest but I still got a no.

There is a distinction between "a legitimate concern" and "a sufficient concern to justify this behaviour" and while money and lack of support and all the rest of it are certainly legitimate I'm not getting the latter vibe from it. If these things are enough to stop her from coming - and they might be - then that's fine. But not telling you until the week of the wedding is, to put it bluntly, a self-centred **** move and I don't think there's anything short of an emergency which makes that ok.

[Knaight]

Well actually, I'm taking welding in a college now. Although I will agree that the environment is very different from what I experienced at a four-year regular institution. I would say that trying to make a living playing video games is a really long shot, particularly because that's so competitive right now, and the other problem is that the amount of work it probably takes (to research your market, cultivate a following, perfect a gimmick) is a lot more than people expect. People tend to significantly under-estimate the amount of work involved in most non-standard professions.

It's a certificate program or similar though, right? The local community college has these, and while it is at a college it's not really college per se. I actually directed a friend's sibling towards it a bit when it seemed like something he would be good at and when academics were not working; that has ended up working beautifully.

[lio45]

Turns out she was lying. Been lying. About a lot of things.

Cool, just as I was starting to get over this ****ing aberration of a relationship.

Hopefully that'll help you get over her.

[Icewraith]

If we're being honest here, I wouldn't mind a pair of shoulder mounted laser cannons... hell, Power Armor would be even better.

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I generally agree with all of your points, save for #1. Super frankly, I really don't care about socializing. I'm not a party goer, and if my choices are to go out towards a large group of people and staying home? Unless it's a restaurant, a concert, a show, the movies, running around with my mom to wherever she's heading off to, or a small intimate party, I really am not into socializing. But other than that I generally agree with what you've said.

Hm...

My thoughts are generally the same. Having a girlfriend would be nice, but I'm content doing things on my own and I don't really care about putting myself out there like that anymore. Having someone there for me would be nice, but dating isn't enjoyable to me.

Also I would note, unless you're supremely skilled, playing video games professionally is unlikely to be a viable primary source of income. With the amount of people who participate in the activity at some level compared to the number of people who compete at the professional level, I think you'd be better off numbers-wise trying to make it in a sport-sport like baseball. I'm not saying you actually should, I'm just pointing out the level of skill and dedication it takes. Unless you're not talking about competing in tournaments but just streaming on twitch, which is rapidly saturating.

Regarding point #1, just to clarify what socializing means in this context:

Most of my co-workers around my age are some form of gamer or nerd. Most of us aren't super social, even if we're not necessarily anti-social. So having a wife who actively enjoys inviting around six people we share interests with over for dinner, dessert and maybe a round of drinks is actually really nice. Nobody else would probably bother to do it anywhere near as often as she does, we all enjoy each other's company, it works out really well. A couple times we, as a group, have wandered down to the local Pokemon Go gym or Pokestop because someone had a lure up. We have a nice dinner, dessert, usually there's a pitcher of some kind of mixed alcoholic drink that everyone has 1-2 glasses of, nobody gets drunk, we talk about work projects, hobbies (often what games we're playing or aspects of the games we are playing)...

It's kind of like the outdoors stuff. Given the choice between playing computer games or getting some exercise with no other variables to consider, I'm gonna play games. But I feel better and do better if I occasionally get some exercise or go outdoors.

[Form]

I've been trying my hand at speeddating, but it's just so disappointing. Last time, of over a dozen women not a single one was interested in seeing me a second time. I don't know if it's something I do or say or if I'm simply too short for their liking or if it's something else I have no control over. And I have no idea if this experience is normal or not. It's just so damn frustrating to see all my efforts mean absolutely nothing.

I just can't keep doing this. The constant exposure to this toxic dating culture is wearing me down and I have no means of dealing with it other than to simply refuse to play this ridiculous game any longer.

[TechnOkami]

I meant on Twitch, which actually is a childhood dream of mine, playing video games to an audience. It's something I'm going to be doing regardless of if I get big or not, because if not for others I'm doing it for myself.

And as for how you described socializing... yeah, that does sound nice.

Hm, I don't think my opinion has changed much. A girlfriend would be nice. It's getting one which is and, I suppose, always has been the trouble, for the endless multifaceted reasons that revolve around it.

[Knaight]

I meant on Twitch, which actually is a childhood dream of mine, playing video games to an audience. It's something I'm going to be doing regardless of if I get big or not, because if not for others I'm doing it for myself.

Nobody is saying not to do it, just that it's not viable as a primary source of income. As a hobby? Go for it.

[Serpentine]

Heck.
A lot of you will probably think this is a first world problem, but too bad.

Spoiler: Background to me

Show

I don't really fall in love. I've done it once, and there's maybe half a dozen others, tops, that I've felt I could if I had the chance. But there's been a fair few people who have fallen for me. I've dated a couple of them, and ended up hurting them pretty badly.a lot of my dating modus operandi has revolved around avoiding that happening again, which sort of manifests into a fear of commitment. And I mean fear - have had two full blown nightmares about getting married to someone I don't love.
I'm also a bit funny about friends. Although I do occasionally get a "craving" for a particular person or type of people, when I could spend an entire week by their side and still want more, for the most part I tend to flit from person to person. I'll spend a bit of time with someone then not see them again for weeks, hanging out with other friends in the interim. It's probably not a particularly good thing, but I've always felt more comfortable with it that way.

Spoiler: Background to this person

Show

I met a guy at a thing. I liked him a lot, and I knew he was into me - among other things, he asked a friend about me and the friend told me. So when we talked online for a bit afterwards, we ended up going on a date.
I hadn't realised how big the aforementioned intimacy issues had gotten until I turned up for this date and experienced something in the same family as a panic attack when I realised I wasn't the least bit attracted to the guy. I freaked right out. Totally irrational terror at the idea he might think I was more into him than I was.
Anyway, despite that, it was a really good date. At the end of it I told him so, and also that while I liked him a lot this wasn't going anywhere Relationship-wise. He accepted that, wanted to be friends, and we moved on. When we hung out we tended to be pretty touchy-feely, but I figured we were on the same pages after that talk... And then at some point he referred to me as his girlfriend (and there were a few other situations where it seemed he thought there was more going on than there was), and I had to tell him that no that definitely was not a thing that was happening. He seemed to take that well enough, too.
The additional problem, and I say this with a fair bit of awareness of how douchey this is to say, is he always wants to spend time with me! Every Friday it's a phone call (a phone call!) to see if I'm free to hang out that weekend. There's nothing wrong with that, really, but it is a fact about me that making me feel obliged to spend a whole lot of time with you over an extended period of time is a sure-fire way to turn me off you and ensure I NEVER want to spend time with you. That's pretty crappy and a problem with me, not him, I know, but it's what I am.

Spoiler: And then this morning I awoke to this sms

Show

I was just watching Cafe Society and was thinking of you. I know you find it difficult to love and that is something I love about whatever we have. I love that we are different in that respect. I had to say though that I am falling for you. I don't expect anything in return and I am not going away. I only ask that you hear this.

Spoiler: TL, DR

Show

Despite my precautions and paranoias, a guy I like but don't like-like, like-likes me too much and now awks.

HECK

[AMFV]

Heck.
A lot of you will probably think this is a first world problem, but too bad.

<snip>

HECK

I would say that unrequited love (whichever side you happen to be on) is pretty much an everybody problem. My advice would be to back off some, give him some space. If you're around him it's going to make it more painful for him, so I'd give him some space, not necessarily shut him down, but kind of pull back a little bit, to let him get over it. Also, he might react negatively or get angry. That's pretty common as a result of this particular thing, so I wouldn't hold that against him.

[TechnOkami]

Nobody is saying not to do it, just that it's not viable as a primary source of income. As a hobby? Go for it.

Oh no I totally get that, trust me.

I mean, it *CAN* be a viable source of income. It would be a while until I get to that step, if I get to that step, so in the meantime I have a job to help supplement the necessities & whatnot.

[Stan]

I would say that unrequited love (whichever side you happen to be on) is pretty much an everybody problem. My advice would be to back off some, give him some space. If you're around him it's going to make it more painful for him, so I'd give him some space, not necessarily shut him down, but kind of pull back a little bit, to let him get over it. Also, he might react negatively or get angry. That's pretty common as a result of this particular thing, so I wouldn't hold that against him.

I agree, though I'd take it a step further and totally stop hanging out with him. I can't say what's going on in his head but he seems to be listening only to his delusions and not really processing what you say. The SMS makes it seem like he considers you a difficult catch that would be a fun challenge, like all those bad romantic movies that encourage stalker behavior. Saying it's never going to happen but hanging out with him will likely give him false hope so he'll keep building it up in his head. I wouldn't even give him any hope like saying stop seeing each other for a while as that gives him a mental eventually in, like he just has to keep at it longer.

That sounds harsh but I think it's better for everyone.

Sorry you got put in this place, I don't think it's your fault.

[Chen]

Heck.
A lot of you will probably think this is a first world problem, but too bad.

Spoiler: Background to me

Show

I don't really fall in love. I've done it once, and there's maybe half a dozen others, tops, that I've felt I could if I had the chance. But there's been a fair few people who have fallen for me. I've dated a couple of them, and ended up hurting them pretty badly.a lot of my dating modus operandi has revolved around avoiding that happening again, which sort of manifests into a fear of commitment. And I mean fear - have had two full blown nightmares about getting married to someone I don't love.
I'm also a bit funny about friends. Although I do occasionally get a "craving" for a particular person or type of people, when I could spend an entire week by their side and still want more, for the most part I tend to flit from person to person. I'll spend a bit of time with someone then not see them again for weeks, hanging out with other friends in the interim. It's probably not a particularly good thing, but I've always felt more comfortable with it that way.

Spoiler: Background to this person

Show

I met a guy at a thing. I liked him a lot, and I knew he was into me - among other things, he asked a friend about me and the friend told me. So when we talked online for a bit afterwards, we ended up going on a date.
I hadn't realised how big the aforementioned intimacy issues had gotten until I turned up for this date and experienced something in the same family as a panic attack when I realised I wasn't the least bit attracted to the guy. I freaked right out. Totally irrational terror at the idea he might think I was more into him than I was.
Anyway, despite that, it was a really good date. At the end of it I told him so, and also that while I liked him a lot this wasn't going anywhere Relationship-wise. He accepted that, wanted to be friends, and we moved on. When we hung out we tended to be pretty touchy-feely, but I figured we were on the same pages after that talk... And then at some point he referred to me as his girlfriend (and there were a few other situations where it seemed he thought there was more going on than there was), and I had to tell him that no that definitely was not a thing that was happening. He seemed to take that well enough, too.
The additional problem, and I say this with a fair bit of awareness of how douchey this is to say, is he always wants to spend time with me! Every Friday it's a phone call (a phone call!) to see if I'm free to hang out that weekend. There's nothing wrong with that, really, but it is a fact about me that making me feel obliged to spend a whole lot of time with you over an extended period of time is a sure-fire way to turn me off you and ensure I NEVER want to spend time with you. That's pretty crappy and a problem with me, not him, I know, but it's what I am.

Spoiler: And then this morning I awoke to this sms

Show

Spoiler: TL, DR

Show

Despite my precautions and paranoias, a guy I like but don't like-like, like-likes me too much and now awks.

HECK

If you're confident you don't want a relationship here, I think just cutting contact is the way to go. The person in question is either deluding themselves or thinking they can "convince" you to change your mind. Both are bad. Cut ties, move on.

Overall, I'd be vary wary of trying to remain friends with potential romantic interests, especially if the early stages were based on that one or two initial dates. Yes in some cases you'll end up finding a good friend and there won't be any unrequited feelings on either side. In my experience, that's rare. Usually one side or the other will have some sort of unrequited feelings and it gets into the same situation that I mentioned above: either they delude themselves into thinking "yeah we can just be friends" or they think they can change the other person's mind.

[Eldariel]

Yes in some cases you'll end up finding a good friend and there won't be any unrequited feelings on either side. In my experience, that's rare. Usually one side or the other will have some sort of unrequited feelings and it gets into the same situation that I mentioned above: either they delude themselves into thinking "yeah we can just be friends" or they think they can change the other person's mind.

In my experience, unrequited feelings are rarely a problem if the people are honest and grown-up about it. Three of my current close non-romantic relationships (there're 6 people total I'd count myself having a close relationship with) have initially involved feelings one way or another (in one case, dating) and if anything, that just lead to us being even closer as friends, particularly in terms of warmth. If they are on the table and both parties agree that nothing will happen, that should suffice.

Though of course, relationships and feelings are unpredictable. Sometimes long-time friends suddenly realise they should be dating - this happened with my grandparents after 2 years as friends seriously dating other people. Que sera, sera.

Sure, growing out of the romantic interest takes time and is even harder in close proximity, but it barely impacts anyone if not acted on. Might not work for everyone but I'd caution against categorically ruling the option out. Friendship is ultimately a matter of trust: if you can trust the other party to place your good before theirs, there's absolutelu no need to worry.