Relationship Woes and Advice XXVII: Sarcasm Will Not Be Tolerated

[Chen]

In my experience, unrequited feelings are rarely a problem if the people are honest and grown-up about it.

I can agree with that. It's just that people are also rarely honest regarding these things. I mean the example here where the person seemed fine "just being friends" certainly doesn't seem like what is honestly happening.

[Icewraith]

Heck.
A lot of you will probably think this is a first world problem, but too bad.

Spoiler: Background to me

Show

I don't really fall in love. I've done it once, and there's maybe half a dozen others, tops, that I've felt I could if I had the chance. But there's been a fair few people who have fallen for me. I've dated a couple of them, and ended up hurting them pretty badly.a lot of my dating modus operandi has revolved around avoiding that happening again, which sort of manifests into a fear of commitment. And I mean fear - have had two full blown nightmares about getting married to someone I don't love.
I'm also a bit funny about friends. Although I do occasionally get a "craving" for a particular person or type of people, when I could spend an entire week by their side and still want more, for the most part I tend to flit from person to person. I'll spend a bit of time with someone then not see them again for weeks, hanging out with other friends in the interim. It's probably not a particularly good thing, but I've always felt more comfortable with it that way.

Spoiler: Background to this person

Show

I met a guy at a thing. I liked him a lot, and I knew he was into me - among other things, he asked a friend about me and the friend told me. So when we talked online for a bit afterwards, we ended up going on a date.
I hadn't realised how big the aforementioned intimacy issues had gotten until I turned up for this date and experienced something in the same family as a panic attack when I realised I wasn't the least bit attracted to the guy. I freaked right out. Totally irrational terror at the idea he might think I was more into him than I was.
Anyway, despite that, it was a really good date. At the end of it I told him so, and also that while I liked him a lot this wasn't going anywhere Relationship-wise. He accepted that, wanted to be friends, and we moved on. When we hung out we tended to be pretty touchy-feely, but I figured we were on the same pages after that talk... And then at some point he referred to me as his girlfriend (and there were a few other situations where it seemed he thought there was more going on than there was), and I had to tell him that no that definitely was not a thing that was happening. He seemed to take that well enough, too.
The additional problem, and I say this with a fair bit of awareness of how douchey this is to say, is he always wants to spend time with me! Every Friday it's a phone call (a phone call!) to see if I'm free to hang out that weekend. There's nothing wrong with that, really, but it is a fact about me that making me feel obliged to spend a whole lot of time with you over an extended period of time is a sure-fire way to turn me off you and ensure I NEVER want to spend time with you. That's pretty crappy and a problem with me, not him, I know, but it's what I am.

Spoiler: And then this morning I awoke to this sms

Show

Spoiler: TL, DR

Show

Despite my precautions and paranoias, a guy I like but don't like-like, like-likes me too much and now awks.

HECK

You can either break off contact and reapproach in a few months to try and have a friendship (on the basis that you enjoy him as a friend and he's at least been somewhat straightforward with you regarding his feelings), completely break off contact (on the basis that the guy's already persistently misinterpreted your relationship a few times), or still hang out with the guy and have him probably continue to fall for you.

[2xMachina]

Hey, new here (to this thread).

I'm hoping for some advice here. But a bit long, so... extra thanks if you do read it.

Some background on me:
I'm a guy in my mid/upper 20's, and I've never been in a relationship before.
I've dated a girl before, but.... we didn't get anywhere due to differences in expectation.

Spoiler: Detailed version

Show

A few months ago, I met a girl during lunch at the company cafeteria. I talked to her, and added her on facebook.
She accepted, and we chatted there. Eventually, I got her number and we moved to chatting on Whatsapp.
I'm always the one who initiates contact & I think she doesn't talk too much about herself. We do chat about 2-3 hours a day.

The 1st time I asked her out, she declined without offering an alternative day.
I found out later that she had plans with her friends, so I'm Ok with it.

With that, I tried again. It paid off (I guess), as she accepted later with some re-scheduling. Forgot if it was the 2nd or 3rd ask tho.
Originally, I asked her out for dinner & a movie, but she told me she can only go for dinner because she had something to do after.

Her dad dropped her off at the restaurant, and he did ask her who she's going for dinner with.
She did tell my name, and her dad might recognize it, because he's working at Company B (who we have dealings with).

Dinner was nice, with her opening up and talking more about herself.
We talked for quite a few hours, and I drove her home.
I'm not sure if we were late for her plans later or not, but she didn't seem to be in a hurry.
She did get flustered when exiting the car. (Issues with opening the door when I tried to unlock at the same time)

However, after that, things got quiet.
We still chatted a bit, but after a few days, she didn't read my messages for days at a time.
From what I know, she was a little tired from going on trips to friends place & starting to prepare for exams (Prof certification)

I was a little frustrated that she didn't read my messages, or reply to put it on hold.
So, I sent her a message, more or less telling her: "Hey, we haven't chat for a while. I know you're busy with exams, so, we can chat after you're free".
She apologized and admitted she was busy, and will reply me after.

I still met her at lunch sometimes, and she does chat with her friends & use her phone.
Once or twice, I joined her table and talked to her.
However, I kinda feel like she's grown distant. I talked with her & her friends (kinda mutual friends), but she tend to reply to them instead of me.
Tried to walk with her to talk, but didn't work. She'd slow down or speed up to join other friends.
Oh, I had an accident too, got a cut in my thigh, 3 stitches after complications. She never noticed me limping.

Well, undeterred, I did wish her luck before her exams, and tried to chat with her after her exams (just ~last week).
So far, she replied and we're chatting lightly again.
Seems like she's visiting friends and family again these 2 weeks. And she has a trend where she doesn't read my messages when she's going outstation.

tldr
Met a girl at lunch, got her contact
Me initiating contact 100% of the time, she never opened up much.
We do chat 2+ hours daily.
She turned down 1 or 2 dates, but accepted the next (partially, accepted dinner, declined movie)
Dinner was nice & she opened up during dinner.
Her father might recognize my name.
Things quieted down after the date, might be due to her exams.
(Exam prep time) No good response during lunch, never noticed me limping from an accident
(After exam time) We started chatting again (but lightly), and she might be busy still.

So... my question is...
1. Is she disinterested in me?
2. Should I continue chasing her? Try to clarify our status a bit?
3. I think a female friend of mine is trying to introduce a girl to me. Should I go for it? (I'm not as attracted to this new girl). But I'm thinking, no harm being friends right? (We attended a wedding dinner together, but not managed to talk to her. Can add her on FB)

Thanks in advance.

[OPG]

1. Yes
2. No
3. Yes

Gurl A is more or less in the acquaintance-zone, and if she was interested in more than that you or someone else would have picked up on it by now. Gurl B, well, no harm in saying hi. If you two sat together at a wedding and somehow didn't talk then I wouldn't go in with high expectations (if any), but a little socializing never hurts.

HECK

I think I'm late to this, but I cannot newp hard enough. As someone who's more-or-less actually been that guy before, you need to do two things: GTFO and let him know precisely why you're GTFOing. If you leave anything up in the air it's not going to be healthy for him.

[dehro]

By the sound of it, and keep in mind that this is just my opinion based on limited info, she agreed on the date but ultimately didn't feel the spark she was looking for.
You could try having an open confrontation about it, telling her you're interested and asking her if it's mutual or not, or maybe you should just draw your own conclusions ... I'm sorry to say that if I was a betting man my money would be on her not being interested.
It happens. In your place I'd move on... Maybe give your friends friend a chance.

[Ifni]

You can either break off contact and reapproach in a few months to try and have a friendship (on the basis that you enjoy him as a friend and he's at least been somewhat straightforward with you regarding his feelings), completely break off contact (on the basis that the guy's already persistently misinterpreted your relationship a few times), or still hang out with the guy and have him probably continue to fall for you.

I'm curious, as someone who's been in somewhat-similar situations - when you guys say "break off contact", do you mean telling him explicitly you don't want to talk with him or spend time with him, refusing to take his phone calls, blocking his messages, that kind of thing? Or something else? It already seems like he's the one who's pushing for more time together (since Serps said he called her every Friday to ask about getting together that weekend, and that this was making her want to spend less time with him).

[Stan]

1. Yes
2. No
3. Yes

Gurl A is more or less in the acquaintance-zone, and if she was interested in more than that you or someone else would have picked up on it by now. Gurl B, well, no harm in saying hi. If you two sat together at a wedding and somehow didn't talk then I wouldn't go in with high expectations (if any), but a little socializing never hurts.

Totally agree. By the behavior with walking and talking and not answering messages, she's trying to lessen contact without a confrontation. Just back off, accept that you're only casual friends, and try option B.

[lio45]

Hey, new here (to this thread).

I'm hoping for some advice here. But a bit long, so... extra thanks if you do read it.

Some background on me:
I'm a guy in my mid/upper 20's, and I've never been in a relationship before.
I've dated a girl before, but.... we didn't get anywhere due to differences in expectation.

Spoiler: Detailed version

Show

A few months ago, I met a girl during lunch at the company cafeteria. I talked to her, and added her on facebook.
She accepted, and we chatted there. Eventually, I got her number and we moved to chatting on Whatsapp.
I'm always the one who initiates contact & I think she doesn't talk too much about herself. We do chat about 2-3 hours a day.

The 1st time I asked her out, she declined without offering an alternative day.
I found out later that she had plans with her friends, so I'm Ok with it.

With that, I tried again. It paid off (I guess), as she accepted later with some re-scheduling. Forgot if it was the 2nd or 3rd ask tho.
Originally, I asked her out for dinner & a movie, but she told me she can only go for dinner because she had something to do after.

Her dad dropped her off at the restaurant, and he did ask her who she's going for dinner with.
She did tell my name, and her dad might recognize it, because he's working at Company B (who we have dealings with).

Dinner was nice, with her opening up and talking more about herself.
We talked for quite a few hours, and I drove her home.
I'm not sure if we were late for her plans later or not, but she didn't seem to be in a hurry.
She did get flustered when exiting the car. (Issues with opening the door when I tried to unlock at the same time)

However, after that, things got quiet.
We still chatted a bit, but after a few days, she didn't read my messages for days at a time.
From what I know, she was a little tired from going on trips to friends place & starting to prepare for exams (Prof certification)

I was a little frustrated that she didn't read my messages, or reply to put it on hold.
So, I sent her a message, more or less telling her: "Hey, we haven't chat for a while. I know you're busy with exams, so, we can chat after you're free".
She apologized and admitted she was busy, and will reply me after.

I still met her at lunch sometimes, and she does chat with her friends & use her phone.
Once or twice, I joined her table and talked to her.
However, I kinda feel like she's grown distant. I talked with her & her friends (kinda mutual friends), but she tend to reply to them instead of me.
Tried to walk with her to talk, but didn't work. She'd slow down or speed up to join other friends.
Oh, I had an accident too, got a cut in my thigh, 3 stitches after complications. She never noticed me limping.

Well, undeterred, I did wish her luck before her exams, and tried to chat with her after her exams (just ~last week).
So far, she replied and we're chatting lightly again.
Seems like she's visiting friends and family again these 2 weeks. And she has a trend where she doesn't read my messages when she's going outstation.

tldr
Met a girl at lunch, got her contact
Me initiating contact 100% of the time, she never opened up much.
We do chat 2+ hours daily.
She turned down 1 or 2 dates, but accepted the next (partially, accepted dinner, declined movie)
Dinner was nice & she opened up during dinner.
Her father might recognize my name.
Things quieted down after the date, might be due to her exams.
(Exam prep time) No good response during lunch, never noticed me limping from an accident
(After exam time) We started chatting again (but lightly), and she might be busy still.

So... my question is...
1. Is she disinterested in me?
2. Should I continue chasing her? Try to clarify our status a bit?
3. I think a female friend of mine is trying to introduce a girl to me. Should I go for it? (I'm not as attracted to this new girl). But I'm thinking, no harm being friends right? (We attended a wedding dinner together, but not managed to talk to her. Can add her on FB)

Thanks in advance.

Yeah, she's probably not interested, BUT at this point, you can't rule out that she was genuinely preoccupied with other things + really oblivious too.

Instead of just giving up, IMO you should definitely try to clarify that you're interested. Worst that can happen is you'll get that "no" and you can then move on (to that other girl, which you should definitely give a try with a couple dates, and then to whatever's next for you).

[Icewraith]

I'm curious, as someone who's been in somewhat-similar situations - when you guys say "break off contact", do you mean telling him explicitly you don't want to talk with him or spend time with him, refusing to take his phone calls, blocking his messages, that kind of thing? Or something else? It already seems like he's the one who's pushing for more time together (since Serps said he called her every Friday to ask about getting together that weekend, and that this was making her want to spend less time with him).

Basically, yes.

Spoiler: Basically

Show

If a person who wants to be friends and a person who wants to be lovers keep hanging out, it's only going to get worse for the person who wants to be lovers. I'm not sure how else you're supposed to go about not being in contact with someone without doing most of that.

Now you can specifically tell people you're doing it, but I have no idea how it changes results. What I do know is that prolonged absence (on the order of at least a couple months) from a person stuck on someone can be enough time for them to de-fixate, which opens up the possibility of an actual friendship without one person desperately wanting more.

Unless things go south and turn stalkerish, you don't need to block the person. Try something like

"If you try to turn this into a relationship, or hover around me in the hopes that I'll suddenly love you romantically, I can't handle that and I'll be completely gone. You need some time to get over this and maybe find someone who likes you that way, which you won't if you're still stuck on me. So for the next couple months, I'm not available to hang out, please filter me or something on your social media, I will do the same, don't call or text me unless it's an emergency.

I still want to be friends, so if something truly big happens and there's something I can do to help, call or text me. I have no intention of blocking you on my phone right now. I will if you start professing your love for my by phone or text. I'll get in touch with you in a couple months -which is not exactly sixty days from now, so don't put it in your calendar or anything or hope I'll have changed my mind-, we can try hanging out or something, and see how things go."

Now, if the friendship isn't important enough for you to consider saying something similarly themed to the guy (and putting in the effort of trying to reestablish contact and friendship), you're probably better off just skipping to blocking him completely.

[Coidzor]

Heck.
A lot of you will probably think this is a first world problem, but too bad.

Spoiler: Background to me

Show

I don't really fall in love. I've done it once, and there's maybe half a dozen others, tops, that I've felt I could if I had the chance. But there's been a fair few people who have fallen for me. I've dated a couple of them, and ended up hurting them pretty badly.a lot of my dating modus operandi has revolved around avoiding that happening again, which sort of manifests into a fear of commitment. And I mean fear - have had two full blown nightmares about getting married to someone I don't love.
I'm also a bit funny about friends. Although I do occasionally get a "craving" for a particular person or type of people, when I could spend an entire week by their side and still want more, for the most part I tend to flit from person to person. I'll spend a bit of time with someone then not see them again for weeks, hanging out with other friends in the interim. It's probably not a particularly good thing, but I've always felt more comfortable with it that way.

Spoiler: Background to this person

Show

I met a guy at a thing. I liked him a lot, and I knew he was into me - among other things, he asked a friend about me and the friend told me. So when we talked online for a bit afterwards, we ended up going on a date.
I hadn't realised how big the aforementioned intimacy issues had gotten until I turned up for this date and experienced something in the same family as a panic attack when I realised I wasn't the least bit attracted to the guy. I freaked right out. Totally irrational terror at the idea he might think I was more into him than I was.
Anyway, despite that, it was a really good date. At the end of it I told him so, and also that while I liked him a lot this wasn't going anywhere Relationship-wise. He accepted that, wanted to be friends, and we moved on. When we hung out we tended to be pretty touchy-feely, but I figured we were on the same pages after that talk... And then at some point he referred to me as his girlfriend (and there were a few other situations where it seemed he thought there was more going on than there was), and I had to tell him that no that definitely was not a thing that was happening. He seemed to take that well enough, too.
The additional problem, and I say this with a fair bit of awareness of how douchey this is to say, is he always wants to spend time with me! Every Friday it's a phone call (a phone call!) to see if I'm free to hang out that weekend. There's nothing wrong with that, really, but it is a fact about me that making me feel obliged to spend a whole lot of time with you over an extended period of time is a sure-fire way to turn me off you and ensure I NEVER want to spend time with you. That's pretty crappy and a problem with me, not him, I know, but it's what I am.

Spoiler: And then this morning I awoke to this sms

Show

Spoiler: TL, DR

Show

Despite my precautions and paranoias, a guy I like but don't like-like, like-likes me too much and now awks.

HECK

I'm not saying it would have necessarily worked, but consider having more boundaries in the future, since that kind of weekly Friday call is so not kosher. Either you know you're in a spot where you hang out that regularly or you're not and either step off or get reminded to back off. Also, it's unfortunate, but touching dudes who have a thing for you is just not a good idea, especially regularly and in a touchy-feely way.

As it is, I suppose it's time to browbeat him for being inappropriate and delusional about his place, relationship, and chances with you, especially after being told point-blank he wasn't to your liking and then cut contact. ::shrug::

[The Great Wyrm]

I am a lonely, horny, 19-year-old college student. Over the past month, I've gotten an OkCupid account. My current strategy is to send a relatively small amount of well-crafted messages (showing I've actually read the girls' profiles) to good matches. This has proved fruitless (I've received no replies whatsoever). Also, I'm busy with school and can't spend too much time on the site. Should I just send lots of low-quality messages instead?

I tried reaching out over the summer to the only friend with whom I would consider starting a relationship, but she revealed she was asexual. All of the other females I know well are either obnoxious or already have a partner.

I've thought about making a Tinder account, but I don't have a Facebook account and don't especially want one. Also, I might not have any more success than I've had with OKCupid (and I'd also have to spend less time on that site). Is a Tinder account worth getting?

[lio45]

I am a lonely, horny, 19-year-old college student. Over the past month, I've gotten an OkCupid account. My current strategy is to send a relatively small amount of well-crafted messages (showing I've actually read the girls' profiles) to good matches. This has proved fruitless (I've received no replies whatsoever). Also, I'm busy with school and can't spend too much time on the site. Should I just send lots of low-quality messages instead?

You definitely need to send lots of messages, but they also should be high-quality. After some practice, you'll be an expert at having the right balance of scary efficiency and decent customization while you're doing your mass-messaging (sending a message to any girl you come across that seems decently interesting -- any time you see a profile that doesn't turn you off, send something).

It's very normal to have an extremely low reply rate online, even if you're deemed a complete catch in real life by the ladies in your circles. The odds are totally against you, and the only way to beat them is with the law of very large numbers (of messages sent).

Now, of course, yourprofile should also be well done -- typically, the community here will be glad to review it and you should get reasonably varied feedback if you share it. But again, even if your profile is as good as it gets, your reply rate will be abysmal, don't be surprised.

[Serpentine]

I am a lonely, horny, 19-year-old college student. Over the past month, I've gotten an OkCupid account. My current strategy is to send a relatively small amount of well-crafted messages (showing I've actually read the girls' profiles) to good matches. This has proved fruitless (I've received no replies whatsoever). Also, I'm busy with school and can't spend too much time on the site. Should I just send lots of low-quality messages instead?

OkCupid veteran here. For starters, you need to know that guys getting little or no response is normal and expected, while women will be absolutely swamped by a barrage of "Hi. Hey. What's up. Hi. Hey. What's up", propositions and anatomical observations, interspersed with the occasional decent message. That's the environment you're going into, and you need to be realistic about that.
Second, your profile really is important, and there's things you can do that will help or hinder your chances. If you chuck me a link I can have a look at it for you (though I've been meaning to do that for someone else for a while, too...).
Finally, with your messages, I prefer them to be tailored to me and they're the ones I'm most likely to respond to. I get that guys tend to have to send a lot to get any responses, though, and I don't begrudge the taking of shortcuts. Your message does not have to be a huge essay - in fact, that can be a problem - but it does have to start a conversation. I think the ideal message would make it clear that you've actually read their profile, and consist of an observation, an opinion and a question. Eg:
"Hey, I saw that you've read X book. I enjoyed that, especially Y feature. Have you read Z, by the same author?"
If even just something like that is too much work and you really want to just copy-paste the same message to 100 different people, then you still need to make it a conversation starter. Assuming you're sticking with people in your area, maybe pick out a recent event or local landmark, and do it that way, like say:
"I heard that X bar is closing down. Did you ever go there? I need somewhere new to go now, have any recommendations?"

[TechnOkami]

~snip~

Something you should ask yourself, which helped me immensely, is do you need a relationship to be happy? Think on that for a good while, as long as it takes. Are you seeking a relationship because you feel like you need one or else you won't be happy? That is not a way to live. I was this way for a long time, obsessed and finally assumed to be content once I acquired one. But, what I realized while being in one is that I was lazy, and not as committed as my partner was. I was happy to be in one, but I didn't put any effort into it. After stopping this relationship from seeing how much pain I was putting her through, I found myself yearning for a relationship. I've since realized that I don't need a relationship to be happy, and that though a relationship with all its perks would be nice, I don't care about dating. I'm no longer obsessed over finding a relationship, because I no longer see it as something I need to make me happy. I do what I want which makes me happy (internet, video games, etc.), because ultimately if I do want to attract someone, I want to attract them for the right reasons, and be in a healthy state of mind where I can live with someone or on my own and be content either way.

Think on this. Question why you feel the way you do, explore your thoughts and feelings. It's the greatest advice I could possibly give regarding relationships.

[Lethologica]

Something you should ask yourself, which helped me immensely, is do you need a relationship to be happy?

While this is excellent advice for a certain context, I'm not sure what about Wyrm's post suggests that context.

[The Great Wyrm]

I currently believe that I would be happier if I were in a relationship.

Serpentine: Thanks for the advice. I'll consider making a moderate-quality, widely applicable copy-paste message, and sending it to lots of people. Also, I'll send you a PM so you can constructively criticize my profile.

I still haven't heard anything from anyone here about Tinder. Have any of you tried it?

[druid91]

OkCupid veteran here. For starters, you need to know that guys getting little or no response is normal and expected, while women will be absolutely swamped by a barrage of "Hi. Hey. What's up. Hi. Hey. What's up", propositions and anatomical observations, interspersed with the occasional decent message. That's the environment you're going into, and you need to be realistic about that.

I think the area you're in has a LARGE effect on that. Given recent access to the whole "Check your chances of a reply" thing. Even girls who are phenomenally attractive are generally in my range of responses unless I expand my search area wide enough to encompass DC, and then suddenly what you say is true.

Though yeah, lack of response is still to be expected. For a variety of other reasons.

[lio45]

Yeah, I have also had occasion to witness that you're more likely to get a reply from a rural area girl, everything else being equal (corollary: for the same odds of getting a reply, a rural girl will be "more desirable" overall).

If you aren't squarely in the heart of a big city, you can make that work for your advantage. It's even better if you're a self-employed outdoorsman who prefers rural to urban and can pretty easily relocate for the right girl.

[lio45]

I'll consider making a moderate-quality, widely applicable copy-paste message, and sending it to lots of people.

Not exactly. What should be widely applicable is your message-crafting technique, recycling bits here and there but without the ENTIRE thing being copy-pasted. You have to adapt your message to the girl's profile, and ideally you'll nearly always manage to either build on something she has in hers (say, she has a dog, loves it, and you're also a dog person, and happen to be able to tell the breed and age immediately from the pics, etc.) or else ask a relevant question related to something in her profile.

After a while, you'll be really skilled at quickly recycling parts of your "standard" message structure (the bones, we could say) and customize the bit of meat you're adding for each message.

P.S. The ladies' advice in here is nice, but the guys' advice is complementary to it. Glass Mouse and Serpentine can tell you what kind of message they tend to accept to reply to, but they don't have lived through the process of sending few elaborate, well-crafted messages to very select profiles -- most of them likely dead, in retrospect! -- then going through the thought process that culminates in well-honed messaging skills optimizing the mass sending of messages that look 100% specifically-tailored to the recipient through good copy-pasting.

We have, so... there's no need to reinvent the wheel. Your quote "My current strategy is to send a relatively small amount of well-crafted messages (showing I've actually read the girls' profiles) to good matches" describes my original strategy to a tee (years ago). Hopefully my advice will help you spend less time than I did realizing how to make online dating work...

(for the record, my first few gfs were met and courted and seduced in person, but then during the past few years I've been in a nearly purely male field of work, and so my last few ones were met through online dating, including my current one (we've been together for 2 years, so I have been at zero online dating activity for the last two years). So it's not just theory, I have made online dating work. But it takes some time and effort, like most things in life.)

[Douglas]

Given recent access to the whole "Check your chances of a reply" thing.

Wait, what? Where is this? My google search found a few references to it, but I can't find it on the okcupid site.

[druid91]

Wait, what? Where is this? My google search found a few references to it, but I can't find it on the okcupid site.

Right next to the messages button. MIGHT be a paid feature.

ALSO of possible interest, for a low risk event to help break the ice, CyTube seems to be like a pretty neat option.

https://cytu.be/

Watch Youtube video's together with a chatroom. Just find something neat to watch that's of mutual interest.

[qechua]

I still haven't heard anything from anyone here about Tinder. Have any of you tried it?

Tinder use seems to vary from city to city (at least, in the UK), some places using it for it's original intention (random hookups), some places it's a dating app, some it's in between. Generally, though, it's probably more disheartening than OKCupid since, as a guy, you need to jump through one more hoop (guys will tend to swipe right on everyone who looks at least somewhat attractive, while women tend to be a lot more selective). You can't message unless you match, and a match is no guarantee of a reply, so you need to match, then message, then get a reply (maybe) as opposed to just message then reply (maybe).

Having said that, I found more success on Tinder (albeit one date against none) probably because of more female users. My best friend also found his girlfriend from Tinder. I recently asked her what kind of like:match ratio she got (i.e. if she liked a guy, what was the chance he had already liked her, or that he then went on to like her), she reckoned it was at least 50%, so women can afford to be hyper selective (again).

[Crow]

Tinder is where you go when you've given up on finding a partner that is worth a damn.

At least where I live. Your mileage may vary. Good luck.

[Glass Mouse]

You can't message unless you match, and a match is no guarantee of a reply, so you need to match, then message, then get a reply (maybe) as opposed to just message then reply (maybe).

See, I thought that would be a positive. Since you have to match first, you don't waste time writing messages to people who would reject you on sight. Theoretically at least, this sounds like it would result in much less work overall, since matching is much faster than writing a message.

[Quild]

OkCupid veteran here. For starters, you need to know that guys getting little or no response is normal and expected, while women will be absolutely swamped by a barrage of "Hi. Hey. What's up. Hi. Hey. What's up", propositions and anatomical observations, interspersed with the occasional decent message. That's the environment you're going into, and you need to be realistic about that.

Except if the purpose isn't to find someone to stay with in the first place (which makes it useless to read further), I always wonder how some people and especially girls manage to stay long on dating sites.

Since you do receive a ton of messages, including some decent ones, shouldn't you find quickly enough a suitable guy to go with?

How do you pick the guys you answer to? I suppose that the profile pics do matter a lot. Really. But are you more likely to answer to a "hi" from a cute guy or to an average guy with a better message?
If the guy pictures aren't terrible, do you rather think that it's terrible if this is his best, or that he didn't put much effort into it and could actually look better (while the one who put a lot of effort can only look worse)?
If someone does not put a lot of efforts in his pictures, does it mean that he doesn't deserve a lot of effort answering, or is it rather a good thing that he's not a pro of online dating himself? Nor narcissic.

Do you find yourself accepting a lot of dates turning out to be deceptive? Or are you very selective but maybe making wrong selections?
Do you tell some guys you're looking for something serious while you're not, or did the opposite happen?

I didn't spent much time on dating sites, so I couldn't get a date (my pictures really were terrible though) and can't figure those myself.
On another hand, a friend got asked recently by his current date why he was interested in her while he could have any girl he want (but he's struggling to get a date from the ones that are more interested in hiking and travels rather than beach and pets). It's both nice for pride and frustrating somehow.
I myself have my girlfriend telling me how cute I am while I couldn't get a date online and got rejected by several girls I was interested in. And it's not just her, another friend told me that her boyfriend and her couldn't figure why I was always single considering how handsome and nice I was.
Funny enough, my friend and I both have the same reaction when we're told how good we are, which is kind a new for us. Asking if people think we can find a better girl then . We probably spend to much time trolling

So I can understand that the girl I met through work and managed to get 3 or 4 dates with wasn't actually interested in meeting someone at all though she enjoyed our moments, but people on dating sites shouldn't stay long.

[MeralFegera]

I'm in need of some advice: how do you stop crushing on someone you have a crush on?

Some background:

Spoiler

Show

I've recently gotten back in contact with an old acquaintance with whom I haven't really spoken with in a number of years. There is some distance involved and we've really connectted in a way that I doubt we would have if this had happened a couple of years ago. Both of us are recently out of long realtionships and we've been helping each other through through our respective break-ups. And a big point is that neither of us are ready to get into another relationship.

My friend is having the problem of too much unwanted attention (they've already had to turn down like three people already) whereas I'm the opposite in that I haven't had any attention of this sort but I know I won't be able to say no to the first person who is romanticaly-inclined towards me (and there is precedent for this happening). My friend has even asked if I'm attracted to them to which I answered honestly "yes, buuut I don't have any ulterior motives and I'm not going to profess true love or anything."

And that's true! I only want a friend who can help me work through this rough time, and whom I can help out as well. And that's why it's so incredibly frustrating that I know I can't trust my emotions on this matter since we're both lonely and hurting in our own ways. And I know I'm just gravitatting towards the first person to show me kindness and lending me a sympathetic ear.

Give it 6 months or a year after we've both done some heling and gotten our stuff together? Yeah, we might actually work and maybe I'd give it a shot, but I know it's a bad idea right now which is why I genuinely want to get over this and just be their friend which is what both of us need.

Any way, thanks for reading. It helps to type this out and organize my thoughts, even if noone has any advice to offer

[Crow]

I'm in need of some advice: how do you stop crushing on someone you have a crush on?

Usually a crush results from a lack of knowledge that results in idealizing the object of your crush to fill in the blanks. It doesn't sound like this is the case here; so you're just screwed....So it will probably just take time; or you can just avoid them entirely lol.

Good luck.

[Coidzor]

Good quality profile pictures are a must. And they need to be good quality in as many respects as possible.

[Comrade]

I'm in need of some advice: how do you stop crushing on someone you have a crush on?

Some background:

Spoiler

Show

I've recently gotten back in contact with an old acquaintance with whom I haven't really spoken with in a number of years. There is some distance involved and we've really connectted in a way that I doubt we would have if this had happened a couple of years ago. Both of us are recently out of long realtionships and we've been helping each other through through our respective break-ups. And a big point is that neither of us are ready to get into another relationship.

My friend is having the problem of too much unwanted attention (they've already had to turn down like three people already) whereas I'm the opposite in that I haven't had any attention of this sort but I know I won't be able to say no to the first person who is romanticaly-inclined towards me (and there is precedent for this happening). My friend has even asked if I'm attracted to them to which I answered honestly "yes, buuut I don't have any ulterior motives and I'm not going to profess true love or anything."

And that's true! I only want a friend who can help me work through this rough time, and whom I can help out as well. And that's why it's so incredibly frustrating that I know I can't trust my emotions on this matter since we're both lonely and hurting in our own ways. And I know I'm just gravitatting towards the first person to show me kindness and lending me a sympathetic ear.

Give it 6 months or a year after we've both done some heling and gotten our stuff together? Yeah, we might actually work and maybe I'd give it a shot, but I know it's a bad idea right now which is why I genuinely want to get over this and just be their friend which is what both of us need.

Any way, thanks for reading. It helps to type this out and organize my thoughts, even if noone has any advice to offer

Sounds like all you can do in this scenario is give yourself time-- which is much easier said than done, but unfortunately there's no 'insta-kill a crush/fall out of love' pill you can take and no shortcut out of that. You just need to find the strength to be friends even though you want to be more than that, as difficult as it may be.

[lio45]

Sounds like all you can do in this scenario is give yourself time-- which is much easier said than done, but unfortunately there's no 'insta-kill a crush/fall out of love' pill you can take and no shortcut out of that.

In my case, I found that the closest equivalent to an "insta-kill a crush" pill was to identify a few defects of the person who's the object of the crush, magnify them in my mind, and then focus on them in an obsessive way.

I'm "lucky" in a way because I happen to be one of those people incapable of having a crush on anyone without a very good amount of physical attraction being there in the first place, so that's usually the easiest path to the insta-kill of my romantic-physical interest in them. For example, in the case of one ex, I didn't mind her slightly crooked nose at all (even found it somewhat attractive) but I managed reasonably quickly, after our breakup, to turn that into a deal-breaker physically. It worked.

I wonder if there's anyone out there who uses similar little personal techniques for successfully getting over exes?

I developed it myself, at a time back when I was facing a serious problem -- basically, telling myself "I have GOT to stop thinking about that girl!!! You can't have her, you HAVE to stop wanting her! ... in fact, you don't even want her now, yuck." It just evolved naturally over time and now I found it works pretty well (for me at least).

Anyway, it can't hurt you to try, as long as it's not defects that would prevent that person from being a friend. Also, don't tell them -- keep it for yourself.