The Order of the Stick: Utterly Dwarfed
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    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    MindFlayer

    Join Date
    Jun 2013

    confused The misadventures of Richard the why am I doing this? Volume 1.

    So about a year ago I posted about a game that was a miserable failure here. People seemed to enjoy the story. So since I've joined what after one session is seeming to be another I thought I'd share the story. Yes. This probably will be long. In before TLDR.

    We set out to make a game of four people who played a lot of 3.5 together like a decade ago. Haven't had the group since. We start off setting a day to just get together and make characters and setup everything. Make sure everything runs smoothly. No bunch of characters created in a vacuum that don't fit at all having to be deus exed together as all other games with this DM. We come up with a chaotic neutral human ranger(bows) with a genocidal hatred of elves. A true neutral human wizard(evocation) who I'm sure is based on whatever that player is reading at the time. And a LE Dhampir Anti-paladin(Tyrant) myself.

    When I arrive to the first game there are now two new members. Why? Because the wizards wife wanted to play and she invited a friend. Always nice to hear about something the first time when your first session is delayed by a new character being made, no? So now there is a neutral dwarf fighter, and a chaotic neutral catfolk rogue.

    Game starts with an elf taunting the elf hating ranger about the size of his manhood in a tavern. This is an obvious DM feed, right? Fight breaks out and our dwarven fighter played by the one guy's wife is upset. Why? Because how dare that guy act as he's said his character would act before the first session. Right? So she's actually trying to tell him no, he's not going to do what he's rolling dice to do. Ignoring that the DM has very clearly intended this to happen. Or it wouldn't be happening.

    Ended up killing one guy and knocking out a whole bunch of his friends. The ranger attempted to capture the elf. Nobody knows why. Not even him. The entire party except me gets arrested. Why not me? Because I put my hood up and walked out the front door passed the guards with a tankard in one hand and a greatsword in the other. Don't ask me how that worked. The Wizard's wife is livid, because now her character has been arrested and it's all the ranger's fault.

    The cat rogue fits perfectly with the party. No complaints. So far.

    I am off to look for our sergeant. Sergeant of what you say? I don't know. We were supposed to be three mercenaries. That's what we talked about. Somehow we ended up...as part of some military thing? I do not know. Anyway I cannot rescue them alone. They are taken to a tree. The three of us who have played with this DM before are exchanging eye rolling glances. We know we are about to meet the DM's pc. The druid that has existed in some form since forever. And we already knew he was level 20.

    You guy's remember that ranger having a genocidal hatred of elves, right? The druid is an elf. They all go inside the tree escorted by a paladin. Except the ranger who is left outside. Once inside we find out the elf knew the wizards grandfather. So the elf sends the wizard plus everyone else on a mission. After forcing them all to sign some sort of blood contract. Let the deus ex begin! Even the ranger has to sign and he doesn't even know what it is.

    I end up being paid by the paladin, who knows who and what I am, to help as well. Which royally screws over me keeping that off the radar. I was told there was only about a dozen divine casters in the entire country. What at the odds I encounter the possibly only paladin on day one? But I am taking this as a sign that diabolism is perfectly legal and I can go about collecting souls to spend in the afterlife at my leasure, because that's the only explanation for me still being alive.

    On another note, a paladin just hired an anti-paladin? What?

    So the mission is to guard some lord who likes his knickers kissed by catfolk. Why? Because it's better than cake! That's why. The paladin "lets slip" right next to me that the reward for killing this guy is a lordship of their own. Then leaves me in the guy's bedroom while he sleeps. What's this paladin up to? Or was I supposed to go for that? I mean, I'm evil, and a mercenary. I'd kill for less. But I'm not stupid and this seems too easy.

    Meanwhile the wizard has used disguise self to look like this lord and sit on the throne as a decoy. Because assassins are coming tonight. Also meanwhile I'm avoiding looking in an entire direction. Why? Imagine for whatever reason (don't) that your friend's wife is siting right diagonally from you and you can see right up her skirt. Not like a little bit. No. Like one foot on the floor, the other up on the chair, and legs at ninety degrees. Either she doesn't know how skirts work or I don't even want to know. She's so ladylike.

    At this point five people burst into the room. Four are men in all black leather and one woman. So I'm convinced these are the assassins. Or a lost woman and her four gimps.... Anyway. This is the DM's wife from a previous campaign. They are level six. We are level one. The party is convinced they are the assassins because who else could they possibly be? They insist on seeing the lord with no explanation that counts for anything and are also like the third npc to treat the entire party like a bunch of peons.

    The ranger goes to attack and takes twelve damage to the face. The rest of us do nothing. Not because our characters wouldn't. Because OOC we know we'd just all die. Because this was stupid. The DM realizes that we're all going to attack anyway because we still don't know who this is or why they're right where the person we're supposed to stop is. So the lord bursts out and talks to the woman and she leaves.

    The real assassin attacks and I end up with a max damage crit with a greatsword. We were supposed to take the person alive, but you know, dice, and I wasn't told that, nor was the party allowed to tell me that. Because deus ex contract thingy. So that happened. New assassin joins the fight, the elven prostitute from the bedroom. Where was she keeping that greatsword?

    We capture her, after nearly losing the wizard, and the lord is laid out on the floor. The DM then says, "I'm surprised you guys aren't all fighting over the greatsword." Which is when I realized both me and the fighter both will specialize in greatswords. Which the DM knows and did that anyway. Why?

    I leave in two hours to play again.
    Last edited by TheFurith; 2016-07-25 at 05:08 PM.

  2. - Top - End - #2
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    MindFlayer

    Join Date
    Jun 2013

    Default Re: The misadventures of Richard the why am I doing this! Volume 1.

    Reserved for possible character explanations.

  3. - Top - End - #3
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    GrayDeath's Avatar

    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    In the Heart of Europe
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: The misadventures of Richard the why am I doing this? Volume 1.

    While you do have my sympathies for playing in such a completely off the rockers group (at thes tart^^), naturally, I do admit that reading things like that amuse me greatly.

    Not a nice thing to admit....*



    *My last "WHat D&D Character are you" DID put me at tied chaotic neutral and evil, so that is totally in character for now at least....:P
    A neutron walks into a bar and says, “How much for a beer?” The bartender says, “For you? No charge.”


    Later: An atom walks into a bar an asks the bartender “Have you seen an electron? I left it in here last night.” The bartender says, “Are you sure?” The atom says, “I’m positive.”

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