Roasting the Dwarf King

[AboveJester]

So I need help! I'm playing a NG Drow and I'm about to perform a roast on the dwarven king. I don't care about the consequences, I just need material for said jokes & jabs. So basically I need racist dwarf jokes :I Make fun of his lack of knees!

[Icewraith]

(properly) Roasting a prominent figure is different than just making ethnic jokes. You've got to tie the situation into something the king is famous or notorious for doing or being, and THEN make the ethnic joke.

Also, it depends on the roaster. So, what's your Drow like? Ability scores? Skills?

Trying to roast a figure without knowing either the roaster or the roastee (or the audience), only that there's a racial difference.... well, it's not really going to be a roast.

[Green Elf]

Stand up when you speak to me...oh you are standing

You call that a beard! My elvish grandmother has a bigger beard than that!

How many Dwarfs does it take to kill a dragon: Dwarfs can't kill a dragon, they need a hobbit to do it for them.

[Fri]

Yep, you need to know about what the roasted's famous (or infamous for), their characteristic and personalities, and twist them for everyone's amusement.

[Balmas]

Well, first you preheat the oven to 450 degrees...

[Eldan]

I wouldn't recommend roasting on dwarves. They are too tough, use sous-vide.

[Inevitability]

"Dwarf king, you are alike the mountain. Mostly rough and unremarkable, but made interesting by a few bits of valuable metal and some gems."

That's when you point to his crown jewels.

[Vinyadan]

Dwarf King, why worry about a heir, if you already have such a beard? I'm sure it will rule the kingdom once you are gone.

He likes money, like, really, a lot. The King actually paid for this event. Coin by coin, slowly, painfully (make an impression of the king bitterly dispensing a coin form his purse). It took a while.

[sengmeng]

I wouldn't call you an ugly dwarf; drow try not to be redundant.

A dwarf king should be steadfast, hard working, and ready to withstand any manner of assault. So really we should be putting the crown on your liver. Seriously though, the gods gave dwarves a resistance to poison so they could drink with elves.

What do you do when you see a dwarf lying drunk in the mud on the side of the road? Apparently, you give him a crown.

They say surface elves have a hundred words for 'tree,' but I've also heard that dwarves have a hundred words for 'gold' and 'beard,' but not one for 'sobriety.'

How do you tell a dwarf king from a dwarf queen? The dwarf queen has braided nose hair.

I think this is the first throne room I've been in with a two drink minimum.

I thought [dwarf king] had missed his annual bath when I first walked in, but I guess that's just the buffet.

Most dwarf kings are filthy stinking rich, but hey, two out of three's not bad.

What do you do when you see a dwarf bleeding in the ditch? Giggle and reload your crossbow.

[Segev]

You know, with how well he manages with the drow empire literally underfoot, I almost feel any joke about his height would be beneath me.



But yeah, to properly roast somebody, you need it to be personal, not racial. One of my favorites is from a roast of William Shatner, when one of the presenters held up a paper bag and asked, "Would you settle a bet for us? Can you act your way out of this?"

A good follow-up would have been to comment on whether or not he had to rip his shirt to do it.

[LibraryOgre]

375*F for 20 minutes a pound. Baste well.

[Black Socks]

Ok, the literal roast jokes have been.... overdone (YEAOWWWWW!!!)

Now, then, a few dwarven jokes:

-Why do dwarves have resistance to poison? Because their ale is so terrible they need it to get through a meal!
-How do you tell a dwarf from an orc? One is crude, ugly, and greedy- and the other is short.
-When we met [another authority figure], he served us the finest wine in the land. While you don't even take your urine pots out of the room when we visit! *point to goblets of ale*
-The elves have beautiful forests in their kingdom. But you have an untamed landscape right in your throne room! *point to king's beard*

General themes: Drink too much, short, smelly, bearded, greedy.

[Cealocanth]

-How do you tell a dwarf from an orc? One is crude, ugly, and greedy- and the other is short.

This one doesn't work. The whole point in a joke like this is the thought that you're describing one thing, and then the reveal that you're actually describing the thing people didn't think you were describing. All this joke tells you is that orcs are crude ugly and greedy, and that dwarves are short. It should be:

"How do you tell a dwarf from an orc? One is crude, ugly and greedy - and the other is an orc."

[Inevitability]

When an orc wants someone dead, they chop their head off.
When a kobold wants someone dead, they set a trap.
When an elf wants someone dead, they shoot them.

When a dwarf wants someone dead, they stop bathing.


For maximum effect, follow up with a 'I'm just kidding: even I know you guys don't bathe.'

[Segev]

This one doesn't work. The whole point in a joke like this is the thought that you're describing one thing, and then the reveal that you're actually describing the thing people didn't think you were describing. All this joke tells you is that orcs are crude ugly and greedy, and that dwarves are short. It should be:

"How do you tell a dwarf from an orc? One is crude, ugly and greedy - and the other is an orc."

You'd actually want, "...and the other is tall and green."

But this really isn't a "roast" at that point. It's just insults and racist humor. Roasting an individual has to be more personal, and poke fun at stereotypes about HIM. A particularly rotund dwarf's roast might involve a comment about how he's the tallest of the dwarves in the kingdom...when he's lying down. A dwarf known for being excessively fond of battle might get a comment about how fond he was of "the old battleaxe back home...it made his pretty young wife jealous." One known for his tight-fistedness even amongst dwarves might get a comment about how local dragons were mistaken for charities by comparison.

But roasts are not about somebody's race. Racist jokes can happen, but they have to be personalized. A roast is about THAT PERSON, and is, if not biographical, should at least mine a biography for material.

"Did you know that King Dwarfson is responsible for the word in the dwarven tongue for the hole out of which treasure is dug being changed? When they called it a 'mine,' he kept assuming it meant he could confiscate the whole thing as his!"

[NecroDancer]

What you do when you see a dwarf bleeding in the ditch? Giggle and reload your crossbow.

Golden, absolutely golden!

[Segev]

Golden, absolutely golden!

But still not a roast. It's just racial enmity in joke form.

Seriously, google "celebrity roast" or something similar, or go on youtube and search for "comedic roast" or "roast of X" where X is a person you think might've had one done. (William Shatner remains a good one.) I think Robin Williams performed a few, so searching for him doing roasts might work, as well. A lot of the examples we're getting here don't qualify, and are more "har har racial joke insult." They're not personal enough, and they can't be disguised as "in good fun" easily enough.

[NecroDancer]

But still not a roast. It's just racial enmity in joke form.

Seriously, google "celebrity roast" or something similar, or go on youtube and search for "comedic roast" or "roast of X" where X is a person you think might've had one done. (William Shatner remains a good one.) I think Robin Williams performed a few, so searching for him doing roasts might work, as well. A lot of the examples we're getting here don't qualify, and are more "har har racial joke insult." They're not personal enough, and they can't be disguised as "in good fun" easily enough.

I didn't mean this is a good roast (sorry I should have clarified) I just found this funny because
1: I have a dark/morbid sense of humor
2: I have a strong hatred for Drizz't (dark elves use crossbows not scimitars)

[sengmeng]

I think we can stop with the "that's not how you roast someone" comments. We get it. The original post doesn't tell us enough to do proper roast material. Those of us inclined to do so are just doing what we can. The rest are just criticizing.

[Segev]

I think we can stop with the "that's not how you roast someone" comments. We get it. The original post doesn't tell us enough to do proper roast material. Those of us inclined to do so are just doing what we can. The rest are just criticizing.

I think it important to point out the difference, because "the best we can" can still be bad advice. If you go onto a forum asking for advice for car repair, and people there don't have enough information to help you do it, having them give you advice for fixing a spark plug in a four-cylinder Kia is going to do more harm than good when you know that he's asking for advice on a truck, which may or may not have a diesel engine.

He asked for help with roasting a dwarf king. Giving advice on how to make racist jokes about dwarves is tangentially helpful at best, and potentially misleading to the point of missing the point entirely.

[BurgerShaman]

Stand up when you speak to me...oh you are standing

You call that a beard! My elvish grandmother has a bigger beard than that!

How many Dwarfs does it take to kill a dragon: Dwarfs can't kill a dragon, they need a hobbit to do it for them.

Mind if I sig that?

[draken50]

Every time you sit on your throne we know crap's coming out of your hole.

No, really you speak very eloquently, your speeches remind me of [Long dead historic ruler], he's dry and stale too. You rule as well as him too, your decisions are always from 200 years ago. I'm not saying your stuck in a rut, you're more like a pothole, at least in rut you can get somewhere. You should really catch up on the times, learn some new things like... brushing your teeth. You're breath smells you've been sucking face with a ghast, though I hear that's the only way you can get stiff. (woo paralysis attack joke)

[5ColouredWalker]

I've always wondered about the difference between Dwaves and Druegar, and it turns out the difference is purely how low one's willing to go... Probably why you're wife's always so cranky.