How do you cope with the fear of death?

[chrestomancy]

In the past there were many nights when I would lie in bed gripped in terror at the prospect of dying. In particular, oblivion.

Okay, so first, in a spirit of sharing - I've had exactly what you describe, or at least it reads to me as exactly what I experienced. Mine came during a period I was suffering from PTSD; this was from a non-military source, as it happens, before anybody thinks I've been more heroic/interesting than I actually have - it was as a result of a non-life-threatening surgery.

The suggestion on Mindfulness is certainly a good one. It will help you live your life, and it is a useful skill to develop no matter what else you do. It isn't what I did, though.

So probably less helpfully, I'll give you my solutions.

The first thing I did was explore the concept. I went and studied some philosophy, and tried some exercises to attempt to fully comprehend what oblivion would actually feel like. I know, it's not possible to feel that, but it's an interesting, if depressing, exercise, and can lead to interesting mind-states.

What I got from Philosophy.
1. There's no escaping death. For anybody. Even if we find life-extending tech.
2. It's likely that there is nothing "beyond" death (your beliefs may not match mine, and I don't judge mine superior to anybody else's).
3. Just because of 1 and 2, does not mean you should not live as full a life as possible.
4. While you may not believe in an afterlife, it is clearly beyond comprehension so it can't be proved to not exist either.

Psychology tells us that often, we obsess over a particular issue if we have felt we have something to gain. A sort of "lessons learned" process your brain wants you to go through. So some people I know will re-play in their heads every conversation they've had in the day looking for evidence that they made an idiot of themselves. I personally replay some conversations where I did make an idiot of myself months after they happened.

What forces the replay, making it go over, and over, and over, is the brain believing that there's still something of value to be gained in going back over it. When it's a distressing subject, such as fear of death, or making a complete tit of yourself, of death of a loved one (I know, very different objective scales to these, but brains don't necessarily differentiate), you are unable to complete the review because the pain/fear/whatever cuts off the process before it completes. Your stress levels stop you from reaching the end of the process. You force yourself to think of something else, or to enter some sort of an unhelpful self-blame loop. And that means your brain thinks it still needs to be done.

So. While avoiding ever thinking about it may fix the problem, and taking steps to prevent yourself from starting to think about it might work, you can also, first, try the exact opposite - investigate every part of it that you know of, until such time as the subject is boring to you. Make plans based upon what you have learned. That may include researching religion or meditation, in order to more consciously decide if you really, truly, hold the right beliefs for you, and possibly selling your motorcycle if you no longer think the risk/reward ratio is worth it.

Incidentally, and tangentially connected - if you have a song stuck in your head, one way to get free from it is to listen to that song TO THE END. If you keep humming or thinking of the chorus, but then deliberately stop yourself, you'll find yourself start again in a few minutes. If you can't play the song, see if you can remember the song to the end, and just "play" it in your head.

Anyway, back on topic. Another thing to consider is exploring some of the more interesting theories of reality and meditation and consciousness. There is a non-religious belief that we are all, ultimately, parts of the universe attempting to understand itself. Your current configuration will come to an end. But your definition of yourself is actually just the character sheet. You do not end at the limits of your body, or your brain. You are a part of an increasingly conscious universe. Your thoughts will occur again in other shapes, your existence continues, even if the part that you define as yourself is not immediately recognisable in that shape. I really really cannot describe this well myself, as I'm not an expert, but some believe this is the basis for enlightenment. That realisation that there is a separation between you, and the role you are playing in this life, is the foundation for true understanding and contentment. Because your character sheet says you are afraid of death and oblivion, you trick yourself into believing that *you* experience those things. Anyway, if that has resonance for you, go for it. It could be that this fear is your first step towards becoming the next Buddha.

Finally, it could be that the actual issue that is making you unhappy is not the fear of death itself, but something in your past that triggers these thoughts. Then your recourse is to find out what the actual problem is, and fix that.

Personally, I've never stopped being afraid of death. But when I reached the point where I was aware it had nothing more to teach me, I stopped thinking about it. Now, I'm having some serious issues with where my life is, and what I intend to do with what remains of it (I may be half way through), and that fear of death may well drive me to change. To end my current relationship, leave my job, and finish the damned novel. And while all those things are painful (and if you don't think finishing a novel is painful, you've never done it!), but all of them may be necessary - the fear of death driving me to actually live while I'm alive.

There. A wall of text. I hope some of it is comprehensible.

[Fri]

I would guess the only real consolation to take out of it is that all the negative feelings you have towards not existing now, won't be an issue once you don't exist. You won't suffer through death since you'll not be around to feel/experience it. The fact my death would bring pain to my loved ones concerns me more than its impact on myself frankly. Yes I'll be gone, but I won't be any the wiser of this change of state. The people who remain though will still feel sadness and pain over it, which to me is more distressing.

This is basically my exact thought on death. I mean, some people say funeral is useless, since you're dead already and doesn't matter what happen to your body. But for me, it's important, not for you, but for other people. Funeral isn't for the dead person, it's for the person left behind by the dead person.

But I mean, if the person they left behind doesn't care about it, then funeral is useless

[The Fury]

I think Amaril pretty much called it on page 1. I mean, how many of you have done something that either felt dangerous or actually was? Whenever I feel like I just came close to being killed, I'm suddenly incredibly happy that I wasn't. After the moment of fear has passed, of course. Not that I'd necessarily recommend doing dangerous stuff in order to feel good.

[danzibr]

Ahh, I've been absent for a bit (not from the forum, but from this thread). So many to respond to!

@Frozen_Feet: I find the idea of baseline happiness quite interesting. For me, it'd be quite high. I also wonder what can change that... if crappy living conditions or whatever can slowly erode it, or a traumatic event.

@ghostshadow: Yeah... not looking forward to that :P

@kraftcheese: Good advice! I've heard something similar before. Like, if you make a gaffe and keep playing it in your head, that puts up a little red flag in your mind, and that way you won't repeat the mistake.

@noparlpf: Maybe this'll be a thread for you in a few years ;)

@Chen: For some reason this doesn't console me :P

@Dodom: I feel the same way, at least regarding frustration. It's like the older I get, the *more* I have/need/want to get done, despite actually getting stuff done. I'll probably die with a full plate.

@chrestomancy: Great wall of text! I especially liked the obsessing-until-you're-satisfied bit. Also, my buddy has the same views regarding collective consciousness, so to speak. I think I'll have to go back to the obsessing until satisfied. Right now I'm kind of avoiding it. Kind of. Part of me feels at peace.

@Fri: I'm going to write up plans for my funeral. I want it to be a fun occasion, have games and upbeat music and stuff.

@The Fury: *checks page 1* Oh right. Still, doesn't address the fear factor.

@Liffguard: Uhh, interesting.

[Frozen_Feet]

@Danzibr: baseline happiness is surprisingly robust to trauma; the example of losing limbs and being back to normal in a year is not hypothetical, it's one of the core observations the theory is based on. However, there are some things which do seem to permanently lower your baseline happiness, but they're not what you might think them to be. One confirmed example? Getting children. On average, it causes a small but notable drop in happiness for both parents for at least 5 years, if I recall right. I'd have to go on an archive binge to confirm this; there was an article devoted to theories of human happiness in Tieteen Kuvalehti last year, but I don't remember the exact issue.

Chronic depression also seems to set baseline happiness very low and permanently without a combination of psychotherapy and medication.

[danzibr]

@Danzibr: baseline happiness is surprisingly robust to trauma; the example of losing limbs and being back to normal in a year is not hypothetical, it's one of the core observations the theory is based on. However, there are some things which do seem to permanently lower your baseline happiness, but they're not what you might think them to be. One confirmed example? Getting children. On average, it causes a small but notable drop in happiness for both parents for at least 5 years, if I recall right. I'd have to go on an archive binge to confirm this; there was an article devoted to theories of human happiness in Tieteen Kuvalehti last year, but I don't remember the exact issue.

Chronic depression also seems to set baseline happiness very low and permanently without a combination of psychotherapy and medication.

Whoa. That's interesting, and a bit depressing (ha?). I have 2 kids, ages 5 and 3, and I like to think my baselines happiness is higher now than my pre-kid life, but then again, I've made some big life changes.

I'll have to do some googling.

[Murk]

Well, baseline happiness functions best in complete isolation. It leaves a lot of room for comparison with other people. The idea is that we come to think of our lives as normal over time. If you lose a limb eventually that becomes normal for you. Same thing goes for being a millionaire.
There are, of course, ways to realise that you are not normal. If you are being bullied about your missing limb constantly, your happiness will never reach your baseline of before. If you win the lottery but stay in your shabby old neighborhood, your happiness will never completely decrease to your former baseline.

If you want to be really really happy you should get a poor, ugly, handicapped, ill and dumb neighbor, because you will constantly be reminded that your life is in fact quite good.

I'm not sure how this benefits someone with a fear of death, though, because happiness seems more a thing of the living.

[enderlord99]

It's a big sleep. I like sleep.

I'm still kind of scared, but that's because of the "forever" part of "stop existing forever" rather than the "stop existing" part. If there is some sort of afterlife, that isn't much better, because then I would keep existing forever, which is bound to get extremely boring.

[Lenore A. Smith]

I've been doing some introspection. For most of my life I have indentified as atheist yet recently I tried adopting some deistic beliefs. I think it was a subconscious attempt to combat these feelings of nihilism swelling up inside me. Tonight I feel myself leaning back towards atheism. I want to solicite advice on how to deal with some fears that arise when considering atheism.
First, the fear that there is no meaning or purpose to the universe. With a deist mindset I could overcome these feelings, God provides purpose.
Second, the fear of death. I know nobody is comfortable with the subject, but with atheism there is no retreat. I'd rather face the truth than live a lie, but this is a pretty hard truth to swallow.
How do you cope with a meaningless universe and the fear of death? Thank you for your time.

[2D8HP]

That's the thing that scares me. Growing old...being an old battered warrior.

I'm not sure I agree with that given-your-age business. When it comes to weights and running and the ability to recover, I personally haven't seen much of a difference between early 20's and late 20's. Maybe the slump is about to happen, dunno.

:(

OK, just so you know there is no "growing" old, you're "as old as you feel", and you become old in an instant.
For me I became old at 33 because of a job injury, and I stayed very old for five years (I'm still old but thankfully the very part has healed a bit).
I knew a man who was still remained young in his '80's, until he had a motorcycle accident, afterwhich he became his age.
Crippling injuries are no joke, fear them.

[Lemmy]

Honestly... I just don't think about it. Death is inevitable, so there's no point in letting fear consume me.

I don't believe in any form of afterlife either. AFAIK, once we are gone, we're gone for good. Still... I don't worry about death. It'll come no matter what I do, so I'll just live my life the best I can and try to enjoy the ride.

[Lappy9001]

I think the fear of death is a very natural thing. Maybe not all creatures, but I think it's in our instincts to want to not die, to live on, to create new life.

So you see a bear, know it can kill you, feel fear, run away, live on. Sounds good.

But... for me at least, the fear goes beyond just situations in which I might be killed. In the past there were many nights when I would lie in bed gripped in terror at the prospect of dying. In particular, oblivion. I don't want there to be nothing some day. No more me. I know the you-live-on-in-others business, but it's not quite satisfactory.

I guess I try not to worry about death too much. Either there is an afterlife or reincarnation, in which case I suppose I'll deal with that when it comes about, or there is just nothingness and I guess I won't exactly be worrying about it then, ya know?

I just try to live my life as I can, strive to be the best person I can be, and try to make a difference by helping as many people as possible in order to make their lives better.

Sure, I can live healthily and safely to push back the clock but eventually death is something I can't prevent and ultimately can't do anything about, so why spend precious life time stressing over it? I could be doing much more important things with my time.

...like playing D&D, for example

[Telonius]

I don't often dwell on it. When I do, I usually read Meditations.

"He that feareth death, either feareth that he shall have no sense at all, or that his senses will not be the same. Whereas, he should rather comfort himself, that either no sense at all, and so no sense of evil; or if any sense, then another life, and so no death properly."

Basically, if you're dead, you either won't feel anything bad (if it's really a big "The End"), or else there's an afterlife and you won't really be "dead dead."

[2D8HP]

I have 2 kids, ages 5 and 3

Of course you fear death!
You have two young children and a wife you love who need you!
Don't worry, as your children grow more independent, as the love your wife has for you dims, and as your body collects pain causing wounds (it's the wounds that age you, more than the years), you will fear death much less.
The less useful to others we feel, and the more pain we suffer, the less we fear death.
Also spending more time in traffic, and less time having meaningful conversations, will make you not cling to life so much.
A job you really dislike helps too..
Also acclamation helps as well. In the mid 80's in my neighborhood someone was shot dead most every, and in the '90's I worked at a motorcycle shop, and in seven years I lost 9 friends and acquaintances to traffic.
Ride a bike during rush hour in a major American City (in San Francisco at least as the number dead due to bullets has decreased, the number killed by cars go up), eventually the near misses will add up so much that you will become blase about them.
Or just be too busy during the day enjoying your loved ones, and exercising too think about it, and at night take a melatonin vitamin supplement and an antihistamine to tranquilize the night terrors away (or just be too exhausted).
Good luck and best wishes.

[Malistrae]

Personally, I use my fear of death as a source of motivation and emotional strength. My fear of death spurs me into achieving more than I could have without such a motivation. I don't think we need to repress or overcome our fear of death. We need to channel it, direct it. Fear of death, much like many other negative emotions, can consume and destroy us from the inside out if we allow them to control us. But if you learn how to be a master of your negative emotions, to "ride the wave", then you will find them a great source of power. They can give you the internal strength necessary to achieve your dreams and overcome obstacles.

It is my fear of death that makes me strong. I know that my time is finite, that oblivion awaits me at the end of the line, that entropy is inevitable. Thus, I know that I must achieve all I want now, since there are no other chances. Instead of paralyzing me, my fear of the reaper makes me bolder, stronger, better.

[Quild]

Death being nothingness and oblivion is also the worst case scenario for me. I don't want to die specifically because I don't wan't that.

But that's precisely the very reason making me not afraid of death. Because if it is nothingness and oblivion, then if I die, I wouldn't care. I couldn't, even!


Also:

• Second best case scenario: There is something afterwards, and it's great. I don't believe in that though.
• Middle case scenario: There is something afterwards, and it's lame. That's still way better than oblivion. Also regarding hell, well, I found myself in a SMBC strip some... hell, 5 years ago.
• Best case scenario: I get to be immortal and young forever .

[Frozen_Feet]

It is my observation that majority of afterlives exist to make you reflect on what you have screwed up in life, and hence are more likely to cause fear of death than reduce it.

[Quild]

It is my observation that majority of afterlives exist to make you reflect on what you have screwed up in life, and hence are more likely to cause fear of death than reduce it.

To make you reflect in which purpose? What about everything you did good in your life?
Do you include missed opportunities as stuff you screwed up?
If you don't feel sorry for what you screwed up, are you just exposed to it until you do?
What if you do? Is it just simple torture until you don't care anymore?

I don't see much point in that.

[CrazyCrab]

Huh, I may be a bit of an odd case, but I really don't fear death that much... I fear pain, which is a natural instinct I suppose. I fear the unpleasant fear itself, when faced with an adversary that I cannot do anything about. But death itself? Not really. I suppose the main reason as to why I'm this way is just how ridiculously curious.

At this point if someone offered me an actual peak behind the veil (no spiritual mambo-jumbo, an actual controlled insight) in exchange for a leg or a kidney or something else irreplaceable I'd say sure, when. Curiosity is literally the drive behind most of my actions, answers and secrets are what drives me forward.

Strange, I know.

And while I am not going to kill myself to find out, I am excited to be the one who will get his answer at some point. Seeing how it's inevitable I can wait a bit more.
And heh, if I was offered immortality at some point I'd probably reject it, simply on the basis of the fact that there will be a question that I cannot answer.

[T-Mick]

Consider the fact that you might welcome death.

"Even life is an uncertain good; death not a certain evil; one should have no prejudices against either of them."

If it bothers you enough, find the kind of death you'll want to happen faster.

[2D8HP]

Dude, everyone knows you can challenge Death to a game of chess for your soul, and he has to accept.

True.



But you can also play checkers and twister instead!

[Perch]

What most people don't seem to understand is that death is not a monster that comes at a random moment and ends all the fun.

It is our friend a partner that is always there for us.

We don't die once, we die all the time, every single moment of our lives is us dying and being reborn.

All your cells die and new ones are born all the time, most of the dust in your room is DEAD skin.

So don't be afraid of death since at all times you are dying, the old you from yesterday had to die so that the new you of today could be born.

Death is our friend who is there at all times. You shouldn't fear it but Enjoy and treasure it's company tresure so that when the moment of your final death comes you can go with a friend who will take you no matter your age, money or social status.

Death is cosmic justice incarnate.

That is why I love it.

[Cranelotus]

I used to get panic attacks all the time about this. In fact, I still do, I guess I'm talking about it in past tense because it's been a month or two since.

I used to self medicate by smoking a cigarette, but I've quit smoking now cuz everytime I had a drink I'd end up smoking a pack or two. That, and I work in a whole and I feel bad when my students as if I smoke (I always lied, I told them it was my friends haha. Same lie my mum used to tell me when I was little, ironically). Anyway, the thing I do to remedy the immediate panic attack is to write a list of everything I can see in the room. I think the act of writing is very...grounding? I dunno, it's better than typing. Then I listen to some chill music - usually a simpsonwave playlist - and I veg out for a bit, drink some tea or something. Tea is good because it's hot, and the hotness in your mouth is good to bring you back to reality. Otherwise sometimes I go to a window and just stare at people going past. In fact, I think going for a walk is one of the best things for this, as I suddenly get this claustrophobic feeling, despite the fact that I'm not claustrophobic.

That is a short term solution to panic attacks. A fear of death is difficult, I guess because it's inevitable. Haha, I'm getting pangs typing this. It operates on a deeper level than that.

I really think that the best way of feeling better about your life is interacting with people, and doing things that affect more people than yourself. Do good things for people. Your life is like a ripple, you live on through all the good acts you've done to people. I think that if I've made one person smile in a day then my life has been worth it. Then they go on and do good things for other people. Your influence expands and expands.

Getting a girlfriend/boyfriend helps too, haha. It sucks when you feel like you suffer alone. Although this is not true either. There are always people you can talk to - friends, family, strangers on the internet.

Also I read this article before that made me feel a lot better. I have it saved to my favourites to read every so often: (Ugh I can't post articles yet, but if you google "Giantbomb Final Fantasy 9 death" it'll be the top link) . Do you like Final Fantasy 9? Did you finish it? If not, spoilers, haha. And if not, play it! The game is really great, the characters and themes are very deep. But anyway, this article addresses that very thing we're talking about. Read it, it'll help I think.

Weirdly, I used to fantasise about just walking around in town, going about my day and getting shot in the head. I told a friend this (we weren't talking about fear of death at all), and he laughed. His literal words were "Hahaha what I way to cheat yourself out of your own death" and he said that death was something he was really looking forward to confronting, as it is only experience common to all humans.

I dunno man...I'm still not through with it myself. I feel like I'm just constantly staving something off in the back of my mind like hunger, and it might surface at any moment if I leave it too long to bubble up. My advice is, when having a panic attack, breath deeply and write down everything in the room, then go for a walk. Walking is like meditation but feels less contrived. You can consolidate your feelings. My advice for the existential problem is, help people. Do good things and you'll feel more contented. Carry someone's shopping, give a homeless guy money, ask how someone's day was, make someone smile. Make somebody's life better.

And read that article!

Good luck to you. If you find out anything miraculous, let me know haha. And Peace, I hope things go well for you.

[Bohandas]

This, literally this. It's not 'all evidence points to oblivion, there's nothing to be afraid of', for people like me it's 'all evidence points to oblivion, not existing is terrifying'.

The bit that scares me the most about nothing is that I cannot imagine it. The closest I can get is eternal blackness with no sound, which I'd prefer to oblivion. Sure, it would be boring as heck, but at least it's something that I can experience.

I've always wondered if those who aren't scared of oblivion can imagine nonexistence. I guess it might be easier for those who believe the universe is entirely deterministic, but to me the idea that I would literally stop thinking is terrifying because it's something that I can't wrap my head around. My only frame of reference is existence, I have nothing to base my idea of nonexistence on.

Agreed. If I go to Hell I'll be pleasantly surprised.

[Bohandas]

That said, the "oblivion" interpretation is partly an artifact of thinking in only 3 dimensions. Under the 4 dimensional interpretation of the universe the past and future still/already physically exist but are merely, for want of a better word, elsewhere.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four-dimensionalism

[Artman77]

"There is nothing to fear."

A lot of people have said this now (or things like this).
But back to the OP, I think the fear of death is natural, instilled in almost all of us for the sake of preservation. The problem is when this gets out of hand.

...I guess when my faith is weak, that's when I fear death most...

I'm kind of surprised that no one has said this yet: Belief in God.

The biggest killer of fear is belief. I'm not afraid to drive a car because I believe that I won't crash, and even if I did, the steel frame, airbags, and seat-belt would save me. I'm not afraid that my wife is going to cheat on me because I believe that she loves me. I'm not afraid that my children will get sick because I believe they are healthy and that their vaccines have boosted their immune system to keep them that way. Belief has cured cancer:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quHdFGV94OM

People hate God for lots of reasons, but a supernatural eternity is the only alternative to a natural death, and it is the primary reason I don't fear death. Death isn't final. It's a transition.

[Bohandas]

but a supernatural eternity is the only alternative to a natural death, and it is the primary reason I don't fear death.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appeal_to_emotion

EDIT:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appeal_to_consequences
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appeal_to_fear

[Bohandas]

As for avoiding fear of death I recommend either antianxiety meds and/or distracting yourself with a hobby

[Artman77]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appeal_to_emotion
EDIT:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appeal_to_consequences
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appeal_to_fear

I'm not trying to trigger anyone or get into a debate. . . . Danzibr asked an honest question and I gave him an honest answer: I don't fear death, and this is why. I'm not trying to prove God exists, I'm just saying that that I do, and it is that belief that assuages my fear.

Confucius said, "He who thinks he can, and he who thinks he can't are both usually right." Ask any successful businessman or athlete and he will tell you the same thing. Belief is a real game changer. Belief can, and does, overcome fear. What you believe in or what you believe about something will change the way you think about that thing, and/or how you react. Beliefs can motivate you or pacify you, for good or ill.
Jim Carey talks about belief being a major factor in his success: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5pgrnstX6w

[Dienekes]

"There is nothing to fear."


I'm kind of surprised that no one has said this yet: Belief in God.

The biggest killer of fear is belief. I'm not afraid to drive a car because I believe that I won't crash, and even if I did, the steel frame, airbags, and seat-belt would save me. I'm not afraid that my wife is going to cheat on me because I believe that she loves me. I'm not afraid that my children will get sick because I believe they are healthy and that their vaccines have boosted their immune system to keep them that way. Belief has cured cancer:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quHdFGV94OM

People hate God for lots of reasons, but a supernatural eternity is the only alternative to a natural death, and it is the primary reason I don't fear death. Death isn't final. It's a transition.

Well mostly it's a few things.

One, there is a rule on the board about discussing religions. And (while I haven't noticed anything egregious recently) the mods can be strict in enforcing their rules.

Two, from a logical standpoint here. While yes, faith can be a rather strong ward against fear. Either the OP is religious or he isn't. If he is, then religion is not providing him with the satisfactory mental armor. If he is not, then this site is not the place to try and convert him.