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  1. - Top - End - #31
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Asmodean_'s Avatar

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    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    How many humans do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
    Two to hold the stepladder, one to screw it in, and eight supervisors with clipboards.

    How many elves do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
    One to use Mage Hand, three to pronounce all the apostrophes in the elvish translation of it.

    How many dwarves do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
    One to smash the broken one with a pickaxe, and another to screw in the replacement.

    How many halflings do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
    Three in an overcoat.

    How many orcs do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
    One, and a maid to clean up the blood.

    How many drow do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
    One to poison the bulb, one to poison the socket, one to poison the stepladder, one to backstab the other three, and a chaotic good one to eschew drow politics and just screw the damn thing in.
    Spoiler: things in which I used to be involved before i was claimed by the great pestilence of exams
    Show
    The One Sane Drow (Vergil: Drow Sorcerer 5, CN)
    The Uprise (IC/OOC) (Ker'anson: Drow Arcane Spellcaster 4, NE)

    Running Total Of Things I've Critically Hit That Jormengand Didn't Want Me To Critically Hit: 3



  2. - Top - End - #32
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    TheManicMonocle's Avatar

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    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    "Can't I just raise a family in peace?" said the necromancer
    "A necromancer is just a really late healer."

  3. - Top - End - #33
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    OldWizardGuy

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    Nov 2010
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    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    How many high-level wizards do you need to change a lightbulb?

    Just one, to hold it while the world revolves around him.

    How many paladins does it take to change a lightbulb?

    THAT'S NOT FUNNY.


    (Yes, stolen from rec.humor.funny's lightbulb joke collection. Google it if you want, but not all the jokes are in good taste or safe for work)

  4. - Top - End - #34
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    Quote Originally Posted by Scarlet Knight View Post
    Minotaur: "Yes, my upper half is a mighty bull and my lower half is human."
    " Dude, that's such a bad break" replied the centaur.
    I'm sort of imagining a Python-esque sketch:

    BOUNCER: You can't come in 'ere. It's mythological creatures only.
    PARTY-GOER: I am a mythological creature.
    BOUNCER: No you're not. You're clearly only human.
    PARTY-GOER: No I'm not. I'm half-centaur, half-minotaur.
    BOUNCER: Oh, yeah, where's your bull's head then?
    PARTY-GOER: I've not got one. My top half's centaur.
    BOUNCER: How about your horse's body?
    PARTY-GOER: My bottom half's minotaur.
    BOUNCER: Do you, or do you not have any part of your body taken from another creature?
    PARTY-GOER: Actually, now you mention it...

    Smash-cut to: PARTY-GOER and BOUNCER inside party. PARTY-GOER looks smug and satisfied; BOUNCER has a delirious grin stuck on their face and is hanging off PARTY-GOER's shoulder.


    Quote Originally Posted by shawnhcorey View Post
    Q: How many halflings does it that to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: 2
    There's something very pure about this one.

  5. - Top - End - #35
    Halfling in the Playground
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    Dec 2016
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    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    So a skeleton walks into a bar and asks the barkeep for a beer -- and a mop.

  6. - Top - End - #36
    Halfling in the Playground
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    Dec 2016
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    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    A centaur walks into a bar and the barkeep says, "Why the long face?"

  7. - Top - End - #37
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    hamishspence's Avatar

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    Feb 2007

    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    What does an adventurer wear when playing golf?

    +4s.
    Marut-2 Avatar by Serpentine
    New Marut Avatar by Linkele

  8. - Top - End - #38
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    ElfRangerGuy

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    Jul 2014

    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    Quote Originally Posted by BronzedDrake View Post
    What's the difference between a wizard and a sorcerer?

    Class.
    My world features a certain animosity between these. This is brilliant.

    One of my favourite meta jokes:

    What do you call a party of bards in full-plate?
    Spoiler
    Show
    A heavy metal band.
    Last edited by martixy; 2017-04-28 at 06:14 PM.

  9. - Top - End - #39
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

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    Sep 2016

    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    A human, a half orc, and an elf walk into a bar. The dwarf walks under it.

  10. - Top - End - #40
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    DwarfBarbarianGuy

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    Jul 2016

    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    Quote Originally Posted by TheManicMonocle View Post
    "Can't I just raise a family in peace?" said the necromancer
    this one is my favorite so far lol.

    there was a joke on the internet which i'll describe here, perhaps paraphrasing it a little bit. the party is walking along a mountainside path and a gust of wind comes along. all the party members besides the heavily armored dwarf make their reflex saves. the DM asks the dwarf, "what are you going to do?". the dwarf's player says "flap my arms really hard". the DM says, "roll a d20". the player rolls and says, "got a 20". the DM rubs his chin and says "roll again". the player rolls and says "got another 20". then i forget the rest of the joke but basically there's a dwarf hovering in the air. meh. you could probably do a google search for the conclusion if interested.
    Last edited by Goodkill; 2017-05-05 at 11:05 PM.
    check out my D&D-inspired video game, not done yet but you can listen to the soundtrack if you're bored: https://www.facebook.com/TheCityofScales/

    my game's soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/user-77807407...les-soundtrack

    my website with homebrew and stuff on it: http://garm230.wixsite.com/scales

  11. - Top - End - #41
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    An adventurer walks into a pub with a guitar on his back, and the landlord says, "Oi! You're bard." #tumbleweed

  12. - Top - End - #42
    Titan in the Playground
     
    golentan's Avatar

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    Bottom of a well

    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    A wizard walks into a bar, and stumbles over a cat. His legs go out from under him, but rather than crashing to the floor he stays floating 3 feet in the air.

    "Wow, how'd you do that?" asks the bartender.

    The wizard replies "It's a simple can't trip."
    Spoiler
    Show
    My motto: Repensum Est Canicula.

    Quote Originally Posted by turkishproverb View Post
    I am not getting into a shootout with Golentan. Too many gun-arms.
    Leiningen will win, even if he must lose in the attempt.

    Credit to Astrella for the new party avatar.

  13. - Top - End - #43
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    Which road has the most Adventurers on it? Route 6d6. I'll get my coat.

  14. - Top - End - #44
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Planetar

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    Mar 2008

    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    A fellow player once handed me the perfect set-up line. It was a new campaign, and he'd rolled up a paladin with unusually low size and weight for a human; while my druid, as usual in 1st Ed, had plenty of money after buying his basic equipment and so shelled out for a war dog. So the paladin, who was of course far too poor to afford a horse, asked "Hey, can I ride on your war dog?". And what could I possibly say but,

    Spoiler
    Show
    "No, I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this"

  15. - Top - End - #45
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Devil

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    Mar 2015
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    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    Yo momma is so stupid she starved a mind flayer
    "Excuse me, but do you have a moment to talk about our dark lord and savior, Asmodeus?"


  16. - Top - End - #46
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    DwarfClericGuy

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    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    Did you hear the one about the hippie who saw a medusa? He was stoned.

  17. - Top - End - #47
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

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    May 2015
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    Germany
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    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    A dwarf and a elf travel in the same group.
    After watching his companion for a while the dwarf says "You know, you are awfully thin. If someone sees you they will think there's a famine."
    The elf Looks back at the dwarf and replies "And when they see you they will think it's your fault."
    "If it lives it can be killed.
    If it is dead it can be eaten."

    Ronkong Coma "the way of the bookhunter" III Catacombium
    (Walter Moers "Die Stadt der träumenden Bücher")



  18. - Top - End - #48
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Telonius's Avatar

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    Wandering in Harrekh
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    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    To the thread title: Sure, but the funnier ones are Chaotic.


    And a truly horrible one. If I ever play a Divine Prankster, I am using this as the killing joke.

    A local duke's son was kidnapped, so he put a sign on the tavern door asking for adventurers to audition for the chance to be the team to rescue him. His assistant was a half-orc barbarian; he figured Thunk would be able to take anything a bunch of low-level adventurers could dish out.

    The first group that came in was a man, his wife, and two children. The man opened by whipping out a scroll of Time Stop, then casting a half-dozen spells on the rest of his family. The wife took out some sort of staff, and half the tavern erupted in divine fire. The daughter drank a potion, ran up to Thunk and literally stole his pants while jabbing him in several vital areas with a rapier. Finally, the son took out some sort of martial scroll - one of those fancy things that the Warblades are always talking about, yelled out some ridiculous phrase, and knocked Thunk's head twelve feet away.

    The duke was flabbergasted. "But I thought you'd never adventured before? How could you be so powerful?"

    "It's all in the items," said the man.

    "How in the nine hells could you afford it? What class are you, anyway?"

    Spoiler: Killing Joke Punchline. You have been warned.
    Show
    Aristocrats.
    Last edited by Telonius; 2017-06-13 at 12:48 PM.

  19. - Top - End - #49
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    RedKnightGirl

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    Jun 2017

    Default Re: Any good D&D Jokes?

    Quote Originally Posted by TheChelaxian View Post
    Rolls Perform (comedy)

    Who gives the best hickeys?
    A neck romancer!
    This made me laugh so hard!

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