Ironically useless enchanments

[eru001]

Rod of Wander

Causes user to wander aimlessly when traveling.


Map of other places

An enchanted map which always shows an accurate depiction of a random area where the user is not.

[Newtonsolo313]

Rod of Wander

Causes user to wander aimlessly when traveling.


Map of other places

An enchanted map which always shows an accurate depiction of a random area where the user is not.

Are some of the places also fictional because that could really make it better especially if the maps are from previous campaigns

[SomeNerd]

Guillotine of Healing - When used to behead someone, this Guillotine heals them for 8d8.

Decanter of Endless Emptiness - When opened, this decanter can dispense an endless amount of nothing. Putting anything else into the decanter suppresses the enchantment.

Pillow of Awareness - While resting your head on this pillow, you get a +10 bonus to all spot and listen checks. You may not voluntarily fail these checks.

Everythingbane Longsword - The blade of this sword can cut through any material like butter. Including it's own hilt. It's probably somewhere in the planet's core by now.

Flute of the Musician - When used, permanently grants the user a +10 divine bonus to all perform(flute) checks. DC 200 perform(flute) check to activate.

[TheTeaMustFlow]

Hat of Disguise Elf: Causes the wearer to never see elves. Any elves he sees are affected, to his eyes, as if by disguise self such that they appear to be another race (usually human).

Brilliant - we just trick the humans into wearing them, and our Elven Ninja Legions will be unstoppable!

[GreatKaiserNui]

Baneswordbane Sword: Most effective against itself.
Weilderbane Sword: Please do not use.

[GloatingSwine]

Bag Of Sharing:
Looks like a bag of holding. What it really does is that it teleports your items away as they're put in and replaces it with another random item from somewhere else in the world or highly varying value and usage. The items do not switch places, rather the random places where the first item is teleported to and the item you get are completely different randomly determined places.

A true Bag of Sharing would be a bag, akin to a bag of holding, where all such bags have the same contents at all times. If you put an item into the Bag of Sharing, anyone else with a Bag of Sharing can remove it.

[Newtonsolo313]

A true Bag of Sharing would be a bag, akin to a bag of holding, where all such bags have the same contents at all times. If you put an item into the Bag of Sharing, anyone else with a Bag of Sharing can remove it.

what if you put your hand in when another person is acessing it

[Rockphed]

what if you put your hand in when another person is accessing it

Then you can hold hands from across the universe.

[Newtonsolo313]

Then you can hold hands from across the universe.

oooh great idea
Wand of mage hand(wondrous item, uncommon):
at will: casts mage hand then uses it to hold your hand

[GorinichSerpant]

oooh great idea
Wand of mage hand(wondrous item, uncommon):
at will: casts mage hand then uses it to hold your hand

If you're fortunate it's feel like the warm hand of flesh and blood human not some cold ethereal weird stuff.

[The Glyphstone]

or

Mage Hand's Token

This magical token, when activated, conjures a mage hand at your location. The nearest mage to your location at the time of activation can sense the direction and approximate distance of their missing hand (assuming they can staunch the bleeding stump in time).

[Keltest]

or

Mage Hand's Token

This magical token, when activated, conjures a mage hand at your location. The nearest mage to your location at the time of activation can sense the direction and approximate distance of their missing hand (assuming they can staunch the bleeding stump in time).

Now see, if you don't have a mage in your party, that could be an effective weapon. Spontaneous dismemberment of the enemy mage? yes please.

[Tiri]

Decanter of Endless Emptiness - When opened, this decanter can dispense an endless amount of nothing. Putting anything else into the decanter suppresses the enchantment.

That's not useless. Just use it like a normal decanter.

Pillow of Awareness - While resting your head on this pillow, you get a +10 bonus to all spot and listen checks. You may not voluntarily fail these checks.

Tie it to your head while on watch.

[Aeson]

That's not useless. Just use it like a normal decanter.

It's true that the decanter isn't useless, but the thread title is "ironically useless enchantments," and I daresay that an enchantment for a decanter which causes the decanter to be empty and spill forth nothing while the decanter has nothing in it is in fact a useless enchantment.

Tie it to your head while on watch.

While you could perhaps debate this, I really don't think that resting your head on a pillow and having the pillow tied to your head are the same thing.

It'd be more useful as a tool for depriving someone of sleep, either as a practical joke or a form of torture - sorry, "enhanced interrogation."

[Fable Wright]

Murlynd's Chopsticks: When placed in an empty container, the vessel fills with a thin, watery gruel. This gruel disappears upon reaching the lips unless ingested with the chopsticks.

Ring of Counterspells: Only counters the spell the wearer casts.

Manual of Golems: Describes every golem ever created. Never implies a hint of how to make them.

Potion of Poisons: Replaces one poison effect the drinker is experiencing with a different poison effect.

[Grimjudgment]

The bell of invisibility:
As long as the user rings the bell continuously, the user is invisible

Hat of hatting:
Whenever you don the hat, it turns into a random hat

Feather of feather falling:
This feather is enchanted to fall at the speed of a feather

Circlet of average intelligence:
Gain an intelligence score equal to your race's average

Book of knowledge:
After reading the book, you gain the information that the book contains

Swall's gay apparel:
When you wear this jester's outfit, people are charmed to believe that you might be wearing a jester's outfit.

Mask of faces:
When you wear this mask, it perfectly morphs into a perfect replica of the wearer's face

Winter coat of cooling:
When you wear this heavy coat made for winter, you begin to freeze

So, that's all I have for now.

[JNAProductions]

Bell of invisibility+permanenced silence spell=win.

Circlet of average intelligence on a stupid ally/smart enemy.

Book of knowledge on a normally bad reader. :P

[Mai]

Arrow of returning: When shot, launched, or thrown, this arrow automatically tracks and returns to the use at the same speed it was shot/thrown/etc.

Earplugs of Listening: While being worn, the user is deaf. +10 on listen checks.

Boat of flawless swimming: While inside the boat, gain +20 to swimming checks. Ends upon leaving the boat, or the boat capsizing or sinking.

Hempen rope of lubrication: While using this rope, all people holding it must make a dexterity save (DC 20). Should they fail, the rope slips out of their hands. Dexterity save required every round.

Userbane Greatsword: Every round the user must make a consitution save (DC15) or take 2d8 points of damage. Successful saves result in only half the damage.

Boots of theif's bane: While wearing every stealth, hide, or move silently check has a -10 As the boots thunk loudly against any surface.

Lawfull Thieves Tools: All checks and skills using these take a -15 penalty if the action involves any sort of crime.

[Ravens_cry]

Userbane Greatsword: Every round the user must make a consitution save (DC15) or take 2d8 points of damage. Successful saves result in only half the damage.

I am sure there is some way to take advantage of taking damage.

[Aeson]

Bell of invisibility+permanenced silence spell=win.

Not if the effect only works on things which can hear the bell. Which, granted, was not part of the original description, but is perfectly in line with the intent.

[OracleofWuffing]

Staff of Quarterstaff: When used, this magical staff becomes a nonmagical quarterstaff. As the quarterstaff is nonmagical, it cannot transform back into a magical staff.

Book of Temporary Literacy: Anyone capable of reading common language can read this book, which grants the reader a full understanding of how to read text in common language for 5 minutes.

[Celestia]

Mask of faces:
When you wear this mask, it perfectly morphs into a perfect replica of the wearer's face.

That could be useful if you're trying to pull something on someone with a high enough spot check to notice that it's a mask. Then they'll realise that someone is trying to frame you because who in the world would try stealing something while wearing a mask of their own face? It'd be a great double bluff.

[Inevitability]

Guillotine of Healing - When used to behead someone, this Guillotine heals them for 8d8.

Well, it's not like magical healing causes heads to grow back, does it?

[Fable Wright]

Well, it's not like magical healing causes heads to grow back, does it?

No, but my Dullahan would love to have one of those on hand. And most of my undead characters, really, as it's untyped healing, and who really needs their skulls after the end?

[Fiery Diamond]

Cloak that turns you invisible only when no one is looking at you.
Helmet that grants darkvision but only when exposed to light.
Boots that grant tremorsense but only when you're flying.
Stone that glows when Detect Magic is cast upon it.
Ring of Sustenance that only works for constructs.
Ring that grants immunity to fire but only works for creatures with the fire subtype.
Amulet that projects an anti-magic field that can only be worn by wizards.
Belt of gender changing that only works for oozes.
A book that lets you play a fantasy game but only if you have friends.

1. Depends on how you define "looking at you." If scrying doesn't count as looking, this could be useful. Even if not, any kind of trap or item triggered by visual detection could be beaten with it; very situational.

2. Stealth usage. Cast light on something and attach it to the side of the helmet, completely covering the something on the other side such that the light doesn't leak out.

3. Not useless - "flying" just means you have flight engaged somehow; keep one foot on the floor as you drift along, or touch the wall with your hand as you glide by, etc.

4. Detect Magic isn't cast on things, so this one doesn't make sense. An item that registers as magical to the spell and that's all it does, on the other hand, could be quite useful to trick someone, however. If it actually visibly glows to others who aren't using the spell whenever someone who is looks at it, though, that has actual practical applications - for detection of spellcasters, for one.

5. Uh... I got nothing.

6. Hm... nope.

7. As someone else said, multi-class characters could use this.

8. Um... how would that even... I mean... *brain breaks*

9. Ouch.

[eru001]

Hempen rope of lubrication: While using this rope, all people holding it must make a dexterity save (DC 20). Should they fail, the rope slips out of their hands. Dexterity save required every round.

Very useful for a simple booby trap. Entrance to your hideout includes long drop? Have this rope run from the top to bottom. You use featherfall to get down, but most rogues will assume that climbing the rope is the correct method. Their impacting the stone of the entranceway indicates you have a burgler.

[Segev]

Pillow of Awareness - While resting your head on this pillow, you get a +10 bonus to all spot and listen checks. You may not voluntarily fail these checks.

Tie it to your head while on watch.

No, no. Just use it WHILE on watch. You can lay comfortably and be assured that falling asleep will be nearly impossible AND that you are much better at your job. Even with a -2 circumstance penalty for laying down, you have a net +8 over your usual scores for keeping an eye out.

Brilliant - we just trick the humans into wearing them, and our Elven Ninja Legions will be unstoppable!

Pff. I've never seen an elven ninja. Clearly they do not exist.

[Rainbownaga]

Cloak that turns you invisible only when no one is looking at you.

I could totally see this as being the contrived solution to a mirror of opposition trap.

(Also a Mystery Men reference?)

[eru001]

Pole of Vault Vaulting

A standard pole vaulting pole, which only works inside bank vaults

[GloatingSwine]

That's not useless. Just use it like a normal decanter.

Until you die from trying to breathe hard vacuum from all the emptiness it's dispensing.