If GRR Martin had written Harry Potter

[pendell]

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My thoughts:

It would have Lastronge, Voldemort, and Draco Malfoy viewpoint chapters.

Various night-time extracurricular activities lightly brushed over by Rowling would be portrayed in loving detail.

We'd get close, in-depth portrayal of Neville's parents. Once we cared for and identified with them, their subsequent torturing into insanity would take up at least half a book.

Another one on facebook from one Pierce...

For starters, the series wouldn't be finished. This would only partly be due to the originally planned seven-book series (one per year from Age 11 to Age 18) having exploded to become a seventeen- or eighteen-book series; primarily it would be due to Martin's glacial writing pace, which would have produced five volumes so far covering roughly the first two years. In fact, there would be a significant chance that the series would *never* be finished in print, even as the screen version - burdened with meaningful deadlines, but blessed with writers who are actually willing to spend a little time *writing* once in a while - surged ahead to the end of the saga.

And yeah, there'd be a lot more schlock-for-schlock's sake.

ETA: Also, "Voldemort is coming" is a catchphrase for an invisible menace for 90% of the books. He is finally introduced in the nth-1 book, during which he is nearly invincible, and raises an army of death eaters from the fallen wizards of every battle.



Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

[Aedilred]

While it is of course frustrating, I have increasingly come to view the criticism of Martin's writing pace as unfair. He published the first three books in four years, which is thoroughly respectable. The fourth book then took five years and the sixth book took six. It's been a little under six years since that book, with no release date announced, but the year is yet young.

Compare that to JKR: she turned out the first four books at one-year intervals, but it was then a three-year gap between the fourth and fifth, and finally a two-year gap between the fifth and sixth.

In proportionate terms, he has slowed down only about as much as JKR did after Goblet of Fire. In real terms, of course, this is longer, but they're much larger books with significantly more complicated narratives.

Which is not to say I wouldn't appreciate him cracking on and finishing book seven and preferably book eight while he's at it. But I've done enough writing in my time to know that input is not directly proportional to output when it comes to writing, and that the common assumption he's not finishing these books because he's lazy or distracted is pretty much unfounded. He probably could have been a bit better at sitting down and trying to power through the writer's block at times, but given the way he writes, with draft after draft, I don't know whether that would actually have made that much difference.

Of course, I know the OP was tongue-in-cheek, but that criticism is something I hear a lot and while I along with all his fans do wish he would just finish the damn thing, I know that I don't know enough to make fair judgments about his writing habits or work ethic.

[ArlEammon]

For starters, Draco Malfoy would be castrated by Severus Snape and he would taunt him with sausages. Sirius Black would have his head cut off and replaced with an owl's head, Hermione would be raped by Lucius Malfoy and Ron would would excrutiatis him to death. Beatric Lestrange would take over Hogwarts and Mad Eye Moody would be revealed to be a eunuch because Voldemort neutered him at a young age. Later Mad Eye Moody is beheaded for being framed for murder by the Ministry of Magic. Draco Malfoy would then be sentenced to death by burning at the stake, and mean while Harry Potter never learns magic, because he knows nothing.

[pendell]

Well, first of all we wouldn't be calling him the boy who lived, except ironically

Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

[Sermil]

> If GRR Martin had written Harry Potter

It would still have been done sooner than if Robert Jordan had written it.

[Flickerdart]

Fortunately, there's already some text for what Terry Goodkind's Harry Potter would read like.

[Dienekes]

Fortunately, there's already some text for what Terry Goodkind's Harry Potter would read like.

And Hermione looked down at the dog that was guarding the Philosophers Stone.

The doggy let out a small "woof." It sounded like a doggy, but in her heart she knew it wasn't. In that instant, she completely understood the concept of a doggy that was not a doggy. This looked like a doggy, like most of the Muggle's doggies. But this was no doggy.


it was evil incarnate.

[Rysto]

And Hermione looked down at the dog that was guarding the Philosophers Stone. (snip)

My life would be a happier one if I wasn't able to get this joke.

[Dienekes]

My life would be a happier one if I wasn't able to get this joke.

What do you have against the only good thing Goodkind has ever written?

[GloatingSwine]

While it is of course frustrating, I have increasingly come to view the criticism of Martin's writing pace as unfair. He published the first three books in four years, which is thoroughly respectable. The fourth book then took five years and the sixth book took six. It's been a little under six years since that book, with no release date announced, but the year is yet young.

On the other hand, in August 2000 when A Storm of Swords was published, Jim Butcher had published one Dresden Files book.

There are now fifteen.

And a six book fantasy epic.

He knows about it though...

[Razade]

I think the answer to "how does King write so many books" is the vast majority of them aren't very good. Putting out a lot of books is an accomplishment only in output. Says nothing of quality.

[An Enemy Spy]

I think the answer to "how does King write so many books" is the vast majority of them aren't very good. Putting out a lot of books is an accomplishment only in output. Says nothing of quality.

The answer to that is cocaine and lots of it. I think Stephen King himself would agree with me there. Back in the 80's at least. Maybe not anymore.

[An Enemy Spy]

I personally am partial to Terry Goodkind's version of A Game of Thrones.

"The crowd roared their approval as Ned was brought to the executioner's block on the stairs of the Sept. Erect, masterful, masculine in his King's Hand outfit, he looked like a statue of himself.

Joffrey, whose tongue had been quickly regrown by the Maesters, spoke the execution order, but before the sword could be swung, Ned instantly stretched and carved a statue. It was a noble direwolf, its paw lightly resting on the body of a fairly conquered enemy. Carved on the pedestal was a single word - "Honour". Cersei fell to her knees and wept with joy, instantly confessing her sins to the crowd, who instantly forgave her."

[Razade]

The answer to that is cocaine and lots of it. I think Stephen King himself would agree with me there. Back in the 80's at least. Maybe not anymore.

That too. Lots of cocaine and lots of alcohol. Both of which can, depending on the person for the latter, really really boost productivity.

[Aedilred]

To get an idea of what it would be like if Terry Brooks wrote Harry Potter, first imagine a world in which Harry Potter already exists, written by JKR. Then imagine another series identical to that but with all the names changed and worse writing.

[Rysto]

If Terry Pratchett had written Philosopher's Stone, then as soon as Harry realized that Voldemort was going to be invading Hogwarts *that night*, he would have immediately run and tried to hide in the safest place in the castle, which would have been where the Stone was hidden, and he would have managed to thwart Voldemort in the process.

[Lethologica]

If Terry Pratchett had written Philosopher's Stone, there would have been at least one person at Hogwarts who claimed not to believe in magic.

[Traab]

If David Eddings wrote them, Dumbledoore would have been harrys grandfather, the deathly hallows would have been some sort of super weapon, and harry would have had frequent conversations with the entity that makes people like trawleny spew out prophecies. Oh, and ron would have been a charming thief while neville would have turned into a burly warrior by the 4th book. We would also be able to identify his future wife by checking to see which female character in his age bracket acts the most tsundere towards him. Possibly hermione. "Im only helping you pass so you stay in school long enough to stop the latest threat harry, dont think it means I like you or anything."

If David Gemmel wrote them, Harry would be a tortured and tormented hero from all his years of abuse. And at the end he would have to sacrifice his life to stop voldemort. Only he wouldnt come back. (Perhaps briefly in the next series when he shows up as a ghost to help in a battle)

If mercedes lackey wrote them, chances are hermione and ginny would hook up, his owl would be human intelligent with all sorts of abilities, (including mindspeech with harry) and the whole legilimency/occlumency thing would have been far better fleshed out. Also, it turns out he is lifebonded to, I dunno, luna probably.

[An Enemy Spy]

If Ayn Rand had written it, Draco Malfoy would have been the hero, and it would have ended with an anti-muggle speech that took up half the book.

[ArlEammon]

If Margaret Weis wrote Harry Potter, Harry Potter would be breathing with only one lung.

[Corvus]

> If GRR Martin had written Harry Potter

It would still have been done sooner than if Robert Jordan had written it.

What? I think Jordan, for all his faults, still put them out a lot faster.

WOT was 14 books in 23 years.

ASOIAF is up to 21 years already and is only 5 books.

[Legato Endless]

What? I think Jordan, for all his faults, still put them out a lot faster.

WOT was 14 books in 23 years.

ASOIAF is up to 21 years already and is only 5 books.

It'd be more accurate to say if Jordan had written it, we'd have more than twice the books, but we'd still only be halfway through Storm of Swords in terms of content. And somewhere in the middle of it, we'd get one book consisting of nothing but every named character in King's Landing talking about the same party.

If Sanderson had written the series, he'd have released one book a month, and we'd get formulas for calculating things like the lift value for Wingardium Leviosa.

If Ursula LeGuin had written the series, she'd simply have made Hermione the protagonist.

[Rynjin]

If Ursula LeGuin had written the series, she'd simply have made Hermione the protagonist.

So you're saying the movies were written by LeGuin under a pen name?

Now it all makes sense!

Also if you want a sort of taste how a Harry potter written by GRRM might be like, read Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality.

The stuff towards the end, primarily.

Spoiler

Show

Notably, Harry aligns himself with Quirrel, is besties with Draco, and Hermione gets her legs eaten off by the dungeon troll and bleeds to death horribly. Nobody is friends with Ron, because he's an idiot.

I like the fic (haven't quite finished it yet though, lost it after the long hiatus after the above chapter) but that just seemed gratuitous.

[Seerow]

It'd be more accurate to say if Jordan had written it, we'd have more than twice the books, but we'd still only be halfway through Storm of Swords in terms of content. And somewhere in the middle of it, we'd get one book consisting of nothing but every named character in King's Landing talking about the same party.

Jordan's first 6 books all manage to move the plot at a somewhat decent pace. That's more than we can say about even Martin's first 4. You can hate on Jordan for meandering side plots, but let's not try to pretend Martin is even a little bit better about it, and he is objectively far slower.

[Legato Endless]

Gary Gygax's Harry would have a pole arm as his wand. Also the vocabulary would be varied enough to qualify the series as SAT prep for Americans.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Quirrell would be dead. The sorcerer's stone would still be safe, the traps surrounding it would have killed them all. Book 2 would open with Neville as the new protagonist and the Death Eaters trying to free a now soul trapped Voldemort.

Jordan's first 6 books all manage to move the plot at a somewhat decent pace. That's more than we can say about even Martin's first 4. You can hate on Jordan for meandering side plots, but let's not try to pretend Martin is even a little bit better about it, and he is objectively far slower.

What? The first three books move quite quickly. Sword of Storms is packed enough that large events are reduced to shortened descriptions offscreen. Feast and Dance are a lot slower, but that's not quite your claim. Jordan's first 4ish books are decently paced. Once you move towards Book 10 the plots start becoming glacial. As in, he's in a race with the pacing of Dragon Ball Z. The anime. Not the manga. Also, I'm not quite sure how one would objectively measure such a thing.

[Misery Esquire]

Glen Cook's Harry Potter would be written as the memoires of Ron (in the first person). And not everything would turn out OK in the first three books. And the last four would be darker and darker.

Raymond E. Feist's Harry Potter would have just been the first two books being about HP vs Voldemort, and another twenty books working towards some sort of climatic reset of the Statute of Secrecy. Occasionally including Harry.

[Seerow]

What? The first three books move quite quickly. Sword of Storms is packed enough that large events are reduced to shortened descriptions offscreen. Feast and Dance are a lot slower, but that's not quite your claim. Jordan's first 4ish books are decently paced. Once you move towards Book 10 the plots start becoming glacial. As in, he's in a race with the pacing of Dragon Ball Z. The anime. Not the manga. Also, I'm not quite sure how one would objectively measure such a thing.

Two separate things here.

When I said "even the first 4" I meant by the fourth book Martin had slowed down significantly in terms of pacing. Basically, Jordan kept up a good pace of overall plot for his first 6 books (up through Lords of Chaos), it was after that the wheels started spinning and grinding to the eventual complete halt at book 10. By comparison, Martin starts spinning his wheels at book 4, three full books earlier than Jordan. Basically Jordan made it twice as deep into his series before the plot started meandering too badly.

When I mentioned Martin being objectively slower, that was harking back to the original writing speed comparison. Someone else pointed out that Martin has produced 5 books in 21 years while Jordan did 11 over the course of 23 years. It's pretty hard to deny that Jordan wrote more.

[Forum Explorer]

If Margaret Weis wrote Harry Potter, Harry Potter would be breathing with only one lung.

Please, if Margaret Weis wrote Harry Potter;

-Hagrid's dragon in the first book would be a main character

-Who would be a good hearted, if mischevious and childish, prankster.

-Voldemort would get the Stone, and Harry would have to track down Nickolas Flannel (who would end up being a dragon, demigod, or both), in order to find a way to reverse his immortality

-Ron would find magic through Faith. Hermonine through Science. They'd have a star-crossed lovers romance where they'd reconicle the differences in their attitudes.

-Ron would split the party, and try and protect muggles along with Nevelle, Luna, the Twins, and Nearly Headless Nick. Meanwhile Harry, Hermonie, Hagrid, the Dragon, and Snape would be trying to contact Flannel.

-Harry's pride in being the Boy Who Lived would prevent him from realizing his true potential. Only after being humbled and learning true humility would be become the Chosen One.

-Instead of Crabbe and Goyle, Draco would be assisted by a dragon, who, while evil, would value him more then Voldemort would.

-In the final fight, Voldemort would turn into/summon dragons to fight for him, and Harry would use the power of God to banish Vodemort for all time.

Basically, I'm saying there would be a lot more dragons.

[Fri]

The answer to that is cocaine and lots of it. I think Stephen King himself would agree with me there. Back in the 80's at least. Maybe not anymore.

King's writing quality is pretty subjective, but you must applaud his professionalism. Basically I think I once read in interview that he consider writing to be his day job, and if say something in the line of if he's say contracted to write a 300 pages novel in 6 month he'll set up a 9 to 5 schedule for 24 weeks, with 3 pages deadline per day, and most of the time he'll be following the schedule, because for him it's his day job.

[pendell]

Thinking about this overnight ...

If Terry Pratchett wrote Harry Potter, the titular character would spend most of the books doing the sensible thing, which is running away from the world-ending threat, yet somehow wind up saving the world anyhow at the end. Meanwhile, Hermione, Mcgonnagle, and Ginny would team up and have a number of adventures stolen from Shakespeare's plays. Mcgonnagle would get many more lines; she would be bitter, grumpy, and have a dry wit which could part the very air with its sharpness if used.

To get an idea of what it would be like if Terry Brooks wrote Harry Potter, first imagine a world in which Harry Potter already exists, written by JKR. Then imagine another series identical to that but with all the names changed and worse writing.

So. Much. Burn.

Meanwhile, if GRR Martin wrote the books instead...

As mentioned earlier, Voldemort would be a broody menace whose coming would be prophesied for 90% of the books without being seen, serving as backdrop to the Game of Wands as the Malfoys, Cornelius Fudge, and Dumbledore jockey for the leadership of magical Britain.

Many of the things skimmed over in the books would be shown in full relief; the plots of Dolores and Fudge for example, as they do all they can both to fend off the menace of the death eaters and keep control of their own power. Certain horrors only alluded to would receive multiple page treatment; the torments of Azkaban, for example, and an on-screen Deatheater Kiss, probably of a bound and defenseless captive.

Presumably magical Britain, like every other place in the world with human males, has brothels. JK Rowling didn't mention them. In this world, Fred and George would find this a more profitable arrangement than selling toys, and some of their 'workers' would be house elves.

Hermione would go beyond simply trying to smuggle clothes to house elves, and would lead a full-on revolution which would split the wizarding world down the middle. During the course of which Martin would find some pretext to strip the adult Emma Watson down to her nethers and walk the walk of shame or be burned alive with dragons. Doesn't really matter; lust finds a way.

The utter destruction of the wizarding world between the warring factions and Hermione's revolution would set the stage for Voldemort's final return.

Oh, and the banquets in Hogwarts castle would devote some fifty pages to the description of the various dishes served .

Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.