Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

[Brickwall]

A. You are overzealous.

B. Even if she's not interested in any of her male friends, and none of them are interested in her (which, given the sheer number, is quite impossible), she gives them too much time. If she wants a relationship, a good amount of her social time should be devoted to you. If she wants true love, she'd better start acting like it. You tell her that (in less harsh words).

[Crow]

Right, here's my story...

First off, let me start by making one thing clear: I'm a jealous person. I hate it when other guys give too much attention to my girlfriend, and I hate the fact that my girlfriend has male friends. I made that clear to her before we got serious, and she made it clear to me that she had one male friend who's a childhood friend. I accepted that.

Now, things went along great. Feelings grew between us and everything was perfect. I had no troubles with her friend other than him constantly calling and texting her - and I mean CONSTANTLY - but that halted a bit once I told her I didn't really like her being on the phone 95% of the time we were together, and I'd appreciate if I got some attention once in a while too. She understood my point and agreed with me. Some time passed, and suddenly she started hanging out with 2 other guys. She told me they were old friends and that they had helped her through some bad times in the past, so I thought that was ok too, no (big) problem... But as more time has passed, several more male friends have sprung up like weed, and I feel like I'm being pushed away in their favour. I tried telling her that, but get the answer that I'm being silly and that I have nothing to worry about. I don't think I have anything to worry about either, but it's just the fact that she's going against EVERYTHING I've told her about my feelings, that she completely disregards them and that what I say doesn't matter. She also thinks I'm strict for not letting her meet her ex-boyfriend. Who in their right mind thinks that's ok anyway? Not me at least...

Now, she says she feels she's alone in this relationship, that I'm to distanced and that it seems I don't have as much feelings for her as she does for me. This is "true love" in her eyes. And it's only been 4 months... I feel that's moving a bit too fast. That makes her quite depressed, but I keep assuring her that it's her I want to be with. And that's the truth! In fact, it really upsets me that she questions my feelings, as she's so damn wrong about it! So I've written her cute little letters, e-mails and text messages, and I've bought her flowers and tried to be all around caring to cheer her up. I want her to be happy.

But no. This obviously didn't work. We took a week off from eachother to just get some distance from the whole situation, but things don't seem to get better. She's been hanging out with some male friend (he has a gf, but I still don't like it that she hangs out with him) and I called her up one night while she was with him, as we'd been texting eachother then she suddenly stopped answering. She told me she stopped answering because she was hanging with him (got myself to blame here, nagging about her phone usage when being with others). I told her she could at least have told me she was gonna put away the phone, but that was obviously a stupid suggestion as well. Then I said "So he's more important than me, huh?". Not the smartest thing I've ever done, and I felt kinda bad for saying it, but I've been feeling that I'm something like the least important person in her life as of lately, with good reason too. We've seen eachother once in 2 weeks, she keeps talking about everybody other than me and whenever I suggest we meet up I'm told she doesn't have time because she either has to work that night or she's meeting someone else.

In the middle of all of this we've had some great days together, but a lot of nights before I'm going to sleep she sends me a line or two about her being depressed/upset about some issue.

And she's hasn't even met my mom yet either...

I dunno what I want from this post really. I just felt like getting some frustration off of my mind. We're meeting up someday (who knows when?) to talk about it, and I feel it's going to end. I don't like the thought, but I think it's bound to happen. Bah.

Check it out:

You don't have to believe me, but here it goes...

This relationship is doomed to failure. I could have stopped reading right about here;

but it's just the fact that she's going against EVERYTHING I've told her about my feelings, that she completely disregards them and that what I say doesn't matter.

But instead i decided to torture myself further by reading the rest of your post. Just so you know, I certainly don't dig my girl hanging with her ex-boyfriends. I know what happens when you suddenly start hanging out with an ex, and I have actually had "harmless" ex-boyfriends try to make moves on my girl...insecure? Maybe. That's just me though, and it sounds like you too.

The not answering your text thing is just rude, even if there wasn't anything going on. Unfortunately my friend, I would say there is about an 85% chance that there was...or was going to be. As far as being too distanced, I am positive that this is her problem and not yours. From what it sounds like, she is doing things which are placing the relationship under strain against your wishes. You had it right, when you took a week off from eachother, but then you screwed up royally when you got back together.

If everything you say is true, I seriously doubt you're going to be able to help her out of this "depression" she is having. If she were to stop doing things which she knows you disapprove of, I am sure the strain in the relationship would be lessened, and you two may not feel so distant from eachother anymore. However, she has refused to stop doing these things appearantly.

Depressed girl + Strained relationship + Lots of guy friends = If she isn't already, she will be sleeping around on you in no time.

So I hate to say it, but you should cash out of the relationship and find somebody that is willing to have you for your paranoid self. They're out there, trust me.

edit: Oh and about the guy at the beginning of your post constantly texting her: I absolutely hate that crap. I mean hate it. I've walked out on chicks for that. Seriously, if you have something that is so damn important to say, you need to dial their number and just frigging talk to them and get it over with. I have better things to do than sit around and watch you stare at your cellphone. I am taking time out of my day to spend quality time with someone, and they don't have the courtesy to turn off their phone for 3 goddamn minutes...Damn that pisses me off.

[Serpentine]

Also, try to be around when she talks to other girls. Endure the talks of shoes and stuff.

You know, I once got tired of sitting talking to guys all the time, so I decided to switch over to some female friends. At the time I resolved to do so, I left the guys talking about bras and got to the girls when they were talking about pig hunting.

She also thinks I'm strict for not letting her meet her ex-boyfriend. Who in their right mind thinks that's ok anyway? Not me at least...

You did WHAT?! You would be completely and utterly dumped at this stage if I were her. Frankly, I'm inclined not to blame her if she does cheat on you with how over... not even overprotective. Overpossessive you're being. You don't own her, her life, or her social interactions. You're just sharing a part. The sooner you acknowledge this, the sooner you're gonna have a decent relationship. Probably not with her, though, I'm afraid. That one sounds pretty poisoned, and it'd take a looooot of backing off, talking, meeting her friends and possibly relationship therapy for that one to survive (though obviously I'm basing this on what is no doubt a very cursory and peripheral description of what's happening).

[Brickwall]

Serpentine, did I just read you say that you advocated cheating in some circumstances? Boy, I certainly hope that makes some of your Crushes in the Playground reconsider. Seriously, we invented "breaking up" for a reason. I am very, very disappointed in you.

[FdL]

Headless_Ninja: whether she's interested or not isn't really important right now. The fact that you're running after her is a big turn off. There's just something unattractive about stalkers (I don't mean people who sit in a tree outside your window, I mean people who go out of their way to bump into you, say that you're very cute and want to luv u longtime and ask what you're doing tomorrow night).

Is that your definition of what a stalker is? :s 'Cause I can't really agree. In fact, in the words you put it it doesn't sound like a bad thing at all.

And I don't think Headless_Ninja is being stalkerish or obsessed about her, as far as I know.


@Shikton: I wasn't going to say what I'm thinking about when I read your post for fear of being blunt or overly negative. But seeing everyone else's comments, I think I should. I hope it doesn't make you feel bad, in any case knowing how things are can save you from pain, right?

(I'll spoiler it in case you're feeling down and don't want to read something that could make you feel worse :( )

Spoiler

Show

It sounds like she has lost interest in you. And this is almost certainly due to her liking one of the guys she's hanging with. I have a hunch with this, I wish I was wrong but I'm almost sure about it with the little I know about this.
The thing about the phone and her not answering to your messages is awful. I've been there and it's a horrible.

My heartfelt advice to you is that you confront her with this, tell her that you're not comfortable with the relationship. And then face the truth (which you should already be prepared for) and walk away from her with your head held high. Things just end like that. It's not your fault, it simply happened that way with her.
Just move on and look for a girl who will really want to be with you, who deserves you.

The unambiguous fact here is, as Brickwall says, that she doesn't feel like spending time with you. She seems to prefer hanging out with other people. That I take as a symptom of her not being too much into the relationship.
I mean, when you're truly in love with someone you want to be with that person as much as you can. Sure, you can have friends and do other things and everything, but in your case she's beyond that. The fact that it's other guys that she hangs out so much with can definitely be taken as a bad sign.


Oh, in this kind of situations I wouldn't feel comfortable either with her hanging around ex-boyfriends. I think jealousy can be a negative feeling, but often is also a kind of alarm that you feel. If you don't trust her completely it's because something is not right about the relationship.

[Serpentine]

Serpentine, did I just read you say that you advocated cheating in some circumstances? Boy, I certainly hope that makes some of your Crushes in the Playground reconsider. Seriously, we invented "breaking up" for a reason. I am very, very disappointed in you.

No. What she should do, frankly, is dump his paranoid arse (sorry Shikton, like I said, your real-life situation could be very different and not deserve this assessment). What I said was that I wouldn't blame her. Personally, I think I'd find his behaviour scary and intimidating enough that I'd want to surround myself with defenders if I were in her position.

[Brickwall]

"Defenders"? Look, I don't advocate jealousy at all, but I really think you're going the wrong way with this. If she wants a relationship at all, she shouldn't need to be "defended" from him. It's fine for a guy or girl to be a little concerned about who his/her partner hangs out with, and when you add the fact that she seems to care more about these men than her boyfriend, I don't think a bit of jealousy is unjustified. Much more justified than telling someone you love them then cheating on them, which you are saying would be perfectly fine.

Honestly, I think it's an unhealthy relationship and should be broken off. Period. Right now I'm just arguing with Serpentine about relationship morality.

[Shikton]

No offense taken, Serpentine. I understand what you mean, but there are things unspoken in my post that might change your mind a little bit. One thing about her last ex-boyfriend is that he used her and twisted her mind to get her to bed. That alone is reason enough to not want her to meet him anymore. Her other ex boyfriend had sex with her without her consent. Yes, rape. And that doesn't help me at all when it comes to trusting other guys' intentions with her.

I might be perveived as paranoid, and I slightly agree actually. I realize I might be a little over the edge. But I've been cheated on before, and I gave her all the freedom you can imagine. I never as much as gave her a hint about what I thought regarding her meeting this and that person, she could do whatever she wanted without me saying a word. And that's how it ended up. It doesn't justify how I am, but it gives an explanation. Believe me, I'm far from as bad as you might think. :P I actually encouraged her to go out partying last night, though I know there are almost only guys working at her extra job. It completely tore me apart, but as I said, I want her to be happy. I AM willing to change, but it's impossible for me to turn around 180 and just stand by smiling like a fool without saying what I feel... She needs to meet me somewhere on the way. I'd appreciate it if you PM'ed me with any advice you might have, Serpentine, to indicate how she might think and what I can do to try to change. Maybe also what to say to convince her I want to try to make this work.

And to those who believe she might cheat: She won't. I trust her, but I REALLY don't trust any of the guys around her.

[Midnight Son]

Right, here's my story...

First off, let me start by making one thing clear: I'm a jealous person. I hate it when other guys give too much attention to my girlfriend, and I hate the fact that my girlfriend has male friends. I made that clear to her before we got serious, and she made it clear to me that she had one male friend who's a childhood friend. I accepted that.

(snipped for space)

I dunno what I want from this post really. I just felt like getting some frustration off of my mind. We're meeting up someday (who knows when?) to talk about it, and I feel it's going to end. I don't like the thought, but I think it's bound to happen. Bah.

I read the first line of the first paragraph and knew I needed read no further. (I did read the whole thing though.) Jealousy is a bane to any good relationship. It will kill it faster than just about anything else.

So you told her up front that you wouldn't want her talking to guys? Quite franky, you must be awful good looking or incredibly funny, cause any girl I know would've told you to stuff it right there.

What this sounds like to me is that she distanced herself from all but one friend for you, but couldn't handle that on a continual basis. So she started talking to said friends again. I'd say that not allowing her to have her friends is just a step away from thinking of her as your property.

Now, as to her behavior, I'd be a bit pissed if a girlfriend of mine was constantly texting and such while on a date with me, but if we're just hanging out, I'd have no issues with it. Telling you it's true love after only 4 months is not a big deal. My cousin married his wife 5 months after they met.

The human being is a social animal. As such, it is not generally healthy to spend all your time with one person. Some women get along better with guys than with other women. I've had girlfriends like this and never seen it as an issue.

As an aside, I find it flattering when another guy thinks my girlfriend is attractive. I tend to think of it as supporting my theory that I have good taste.

[Syka]

Serp, I'm with you. I felt bad about it so I wasn't going to post.

Ok...Pretty much ALL my friends (excepting one) back home are guys. It's how it's always been. Probably always will be.

I swear to god, if any guy I dated ever said I couldn't hang out with them, his butt would be dumped in two seconds flat.

I think her hanging out with her friends more than you is a reaction to being too possessive. I can understand you ASKING her not to hang out with an ex, but pretty much ORDERING her not to is completely different. It's rude. It makes it seem like you own her. If my boyfriend asks me not to do something, usually I'll listen. If he ever told me not to do something, we'd be having a nice long chat.

Not to say she's completely in the right, either. This should be something you discuss, not what someone tells the other, and it seems like she's being a bit passive aggressive.

Not answering your text is perfectly acceptable, since you knew she was hanging out with a friend and even YOU asked her not to do it. I let my boy know when I'm going to be unavailable, and he does the same for me. We actually purposefully send each other texts during that time just to give the other a nice message and don't expect an answer.


My advice: break up, for good. It's not going to work. She obviously needs more freedom than you are able to give.




And no, a strained relationship, depressed girl, and a lot of guy friends do not equal cheating. I've had all of those be true for me AND I WAS FAITHFUL.


Upon reading what Shikton just posted: Let us know that next time. You came across as uber posessive. I understand your reasons why you wouldn't want them to hang out, but it's ultimately her choice. I would just ask for it to be done somewhere public, and for them to not be alone. I've been cheated on before, so I know where you are coming from. So if you trust her, than don't worry. I trust my boyfriend to not cheat and he trusts me the same. I even let him know that one of my ex's wanted to hang out, and that if I ever did it would not be alone. It's all in communication.

Cheers,
Syka

EDIT: The love thing. My boy and I have been dating a month. The words have been uttered. I don't say them without meaning them. It is possible. But it's also different for everyone.

And I agree with that, MS. It's a great ego boost when my friends made comment about my choice of partner. ;) He likes it, too (I mean, when guys have commented to him about me).

[FdL]

And to those who believe she might cheat: She won't. I trust her, but I REALLY don't trust any of the guys around her.

Hmmm, but see, when a woman cheats on her boyfriend she does so because she agrees to it (or actually wants to), not because she's hypnotized/brainwashed/raped. Blaming on the "other/s" is a common position to take in these situations, but it's just denial clouding reality.

I'm not saying this is happening to you, it's just the way I see it happen most of the time. No one is an innocent victim and no one can force a woman to do something she doesn't want to.

[Shikton]

Syka: I kinda...wrote first and read later. I needed to rant out what I had on my mind, which was pretty much all negative. That never seems to work out.

EDIT: I'd also like to say that I appreciate all the input you guys are giving. I honestly do. :)

[Syka]

I understand that. Unfortunately it was all we had to go on. :)

I still stand by that I don't think this is going to work though. Serp probably hit the nail on the head. Chances are your girl was trying to please you by not seeing her friends and found it's just too hard to do.

And I definitely understand being worried about the exes. It's why I'm not hanging out alone with my ex- I'm worried he'd try something, and even if I stopped it I'd still feel like it was cheating since I put myself in that position.

I think the most important thing is to sit down and talk with her. Get everything out on the table. If you aren't really as possessive as you came across and are willing to bend on somethings (and she has to as well), this MIGHT be salvageable. Might. It'd be worth a try, I guess. Just make sure you talk.

Communication is key.

Cheers,
Syka

[Crow]

And no, a strained relationship, depressed girl, and a lot of guy friends do not equal cheating. I've had all of those be true for me AND I WAS FAITHFUL.

Good for you.

Thousands of American servicemen will just have to disagree.

In any case, the relationship is unhealthy and needs to end. There are girls out there who don't mind the possessive type (lucky for me), but they tend to be a bit possessive themselves =)

[Syka]

By the way, I'm going to make a new thread for this since we're getting to 50 pages. I'll link to it either in this post, or a new one if someone posts after me.

Cheers,
Syka

EDIT: Here we go.

[Vampiric]

I have two things to say:

1) I agree with Fdl

2) Shikton, I think you wrote up the relationship that I came here for... And I feel sorry for you . My ex met this guy at her work, and started spending more and more time with him, talking with him more, and I just felt ignored. (and she's now at uni living with him in a studio apartment) I think that this is what's happening to you. Also, Syka and Serp have made good points, and Brickwall was exaggerating slightly, but I think (maybe it's just me) that she has probably lost interest in you. I, personally, think you are right about how she should be spending time with you if she likes you. That's how I felt. I also found that even though I was trying to meet up as much as possible (what can I say? I was in love..) She seemed to prefer being with that guy. So, jealousy set in. And the rest, as they say, is history. Anyway. I say that you should try and have an adult conversation with her. Admit your jealously, and say that you want to try and sort it out, because you like being with her.

[Don Julio Anejo]

Is that your definition of what a stalker is? :s 'Cause I can't really agree. In fact, in the words you put it it doesn't sound like a bad thing at all.

Here "stalking" is a slang term for "running around after" behaviour. Bad thing or not - depends on what kind of a person is stalking you. It doesn't just mean "aggressively observing and following around with a telescope and bugs."

I was a bit too late for Shikton's post, but I'll have to side with Scorpina and Syka.

Shikiton, I'm sorry but people usually have friends of both genders. I have a lot of female friends.... I even flirt with them pretty much all the time. Doesn't mean it's going anywhere, it's just how we talk. What you're asking her to do is to pretty much give up her friends and replace them with you out of fear that something *might* happen. Not exactly nice, and obviously overpossessive. Well, as you can see, it's having a completely opposite effect. She feels strangled and is distancing herself from you. I doubt she's cheating, but she is really pissed at you right now, even if she doesn't realize it.