Things I May No Longer Do While Playing XI: I May Not Postpone Naming My Thread

[JAL_1138]

*Must stop derailing the session with lame jokes and unnecessary tangents. (Seriously, I need to work on that.)

[Guizonde]

*Must stop derailing the session with lame jokes and unnecessary tangents. (Seriously, I need to work on that.)

don't we all... it's the pitfall of many a good gaming groups, isn't it? we had a talk about it with my pathfinder group in the after-session breakdown last friday. we calculated that for a "short" 4 hour session, we got basically under 2 hours of actual play. the rest was banter and jokes. we're thinking of just hanging out more without the whole pen and paper gig bogging down the fact that we're friends first and teammates second. anyone have other solutions to make sessions more productive?

also, mandatory submission:

*props are good. making the dm spit out his beer by pulling one out is bad.
**seriously, cigars don't belong inside berets.
***bottle openers don't belong in cowboy hats.
****there is no such thing as "secret language: hats"!!

[Rater202]

*I may not assume that someone will react to the sensation of being followed.
**Or to a rock being thrown in the back.

[Anonymouswizard]

*I may no longer casually inform the level 1 party that there is a sleeping terasque down the hall

** May not respond by complaining how easy this dungeon is. Seriously, a Tarrasque? Might as well made it an orc guarding pie.

[braveheart]

** May not respond by complaining how easy this dungeon is. Seriously, a Tarrasque? Might as well made it an orc guarding pie.

The pie is guarded by trucker's kobolds, and tucker is an ancient red dragon

[Guizonde]

*there is no "stun" settings on hellguns.
**butt-strokes don't count, normally.
***the dm allowed it this time for laughs.
****no begging the murdersexual techpriestess for installing a shock-maul in the buttplate.
*****even for "a rainy day".

Spoiler

Show

you try taking down an ork sentry without killing it when you're loaded to the brim with the least lethal weapon in your inventory being a monomolecular bayonet...

*as much as it's therapeutic, necrons are immune to choking.
**doing it for 11 hours straight while screaming is considered annoying by the gm.
***the party feeding and hydrating me so i can "choke that [REDACTED] foolish heap of scrap metal even harder" for them should not be seen as encouragement.
****even if the party says it clearly is encouragement.

*giggling necrons don't inflict insanity points.
*tau commanders do so have a mean look that inflicts insanity points.
**no, i can't get that good a mean look.

*no more teaching kroots bad words in orkish just to spite the greenskins.

*nap-time on deathworlds should be discouraged due to being deadly. it should not end up in a "fear and loathing in las vegas" meets "rambo" mashup.
**despite what the dice say.
***smoking live lizards? never happened.
****neither did the smoke rings.
*****despite being recorded on 2 servo-skulls and 5 tau drones.
******my future characters are preemptively banned from coming from deathworlds. a fortress world is hardcore enough for my dm.

[vasilidor]

cut off the head of a monster that tried to eat me and wear it as a hat in a vain attempt to intimidate my characters fellow class mates in effort to sabotage their presentations.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Must stop referring to the DMPC as Senpai.

* Killing the DMPC and eating his heart does not make me Senpai.
** Or give me his power.
*** May not kill the DMPC and eat his heart without a reason.
**** May no longer play cannibal characters.
***** Aren't I supposed to be a Paladin?
****** If I continue attacking the DMPC 'lawful good only' will be added back in.
******* DMPCs are not always chaotic evil, do not threaten the stability of the world, and are not secretly controlling the government.
******** I may no longer play blackguards.

* If the discussion stops being about the game and starts getting into Yaoi, shipping, and whether the GM counts as a girl we are to stop socialising with each other for five minutes.
** Even if the GM started it.
*** Especially if I started it.

[JAL_1138]

*Should not underestimate the amount of XP Adventurers' League gives out at Tier 3 when signing up for con games.
**Should not have to make a backup plan to get my character killed and rezzed in game 5 out of 6 just to avoid leveling out.

*If I am a Tier 3 Bard I should probably be casting some support spells instead of just shooting a crossbow.
**Even if I'm doing just slightly less damage than the Fighter. (In the Fighter's defense, he'd have outpaced me solidly if his dice didn't hate him. So...many...nat 1s...)

[drack]

Not sure that I'm doing this right, but lets give it a try.

*I ought not to kill my players so quickly.
**I ought not kill them in the first room of the dungeon, I should at least wait until the second or third.
***I ought not place a CR 29 monster against a level 1 party.
****I ought not place many many CR 29 monsters in the first room of the dungeon the level 1 party is entering.
*****I ought not seal the entrance of said dungeon behind them.
******I ought not play mind games making them think they're dead if they don't get their skimpy butts into this dungeon right now all while reminding them how they can turn around at any time and in doing so making them feel more and more scared of running away.
*******I ought not entice my players with treasures and actively encourage them to attacking monsters more then ten times their level.
********I ought not use these monsters to then trap the PCs in the dungeon forever where they'll slowly starve and die of exhaustion as they try to battle their way to a corner that may not even exist.
*********I ought not continue the mind games and make my players think they have to kill all of each other and the hirelings to escape, encouraging them when they notice that direct combat will get them killed too, thus making them all constantly think of new evil trickery to kill each other indirectly against enemies as sacrificial red shirts all because they think they'll die terribly if they don't...

*I ought not give monsters an average CR higher then the party
**I ought not give my over CR monsters a handicap that makes the players feel mortified to be having trouble against them.
***I ought not give said encounters backstories as single dads fighting hard for the future of their families and their cultural beliefs, painting the PCs as terrible villeins when they kill the attacking monster.
****I ought not tempt PCs into looting the dead monster with mention of sacred relics in their backstory
*****I ought not reward players with ~500lbs of magic (most likely cursed) rocks for successfully winning an encounter...
******I ought not then taunt the player by brewing various harmful enchanted rocks and sharing that list of possibilities with my players...

*I ought not to send a level 3 necromancer with seven skeletons against a solo ranged level 1 player at a 30' starting distance.
**I ought not push my player too far by targeting his character's most sentimentally important item when they try to barter the lives and corpses of their hirelings in exchange for their own life.
***I ought not have such NPCs be bratty little kids... literally... though an elf so still 50 years old...
****I ought not give nice cloths to NPCs because when PCs loot them they'll take anything and everything nice.
*****I ought not make it awkward when the rest of the party comes in on them with the corpse.
******I ought not stage it to encourage and, more and more, legitimized pvp opportunities as the game goes on.
*******I ought not advertise their entire group as a band of child slaying hobos without any sense of ethics who are better off dead to other adventuring parties in the game using their inability to deny this statement as irrefutable proof of their ill deeds.
********I ought not criticize my players for then coercing her hireling caretakers, through threats of death into being silent on the issue and helping out the party...

*I ought not send giant spiders with CR over party level to my party when they stay in the same place as two elven attendants were recently screaming bloody murder at the top of their lungs.
**I ought to be forgiving of party ruckus and keep all the monsters away.
***I ought to roll perception checks automatically when parties are in heated IC discussion, and not just wait around for the monster to climb in right on top of someone's head and nearly get away with striking in a surprise round before someone thought to make a perception check to scan the room for new dangers brought on by this inner-party dialog...
****I ought not have enemies single-mindely attacking just one person even though especially because it increases the fatality of encounters.

Well, I feel self-reprimanded. I'm sure my players all feel better now too. Well, off to do more mean things to them to make them beg and cry for mercy like some kind of evil dungeon master would do. I'd tell ya all about it and repent for the crimes I have yet to commit, but then someone might read it and get spoilers.

I mean... totally a changed person now. Totally. To great extreamitude.

[Anonymouswizard]

* I may not take plot ideas from Coronation Street.
** Even if I'm the only person in the group to watch it.

* 'My shift ends at the start time' is not a valid excuse for being late.
** Even if I warned everybody two days in advance.

* I do not need to flirt with every character I meet.
** Abusing my resistance to disease will cause me to lose my Paladin powers.
*** Cannot turn the game into a harem comedy.

[DigoDragon]

* I may no longer use bovines as units of measure for bureaucratic efficiency.

[Rater202]

* I may no longer use bovines as units of measure for bureaucratic efficiency.

Nor cervines or equines

[GAAD]

*It doesn't matter how high a strength score it has, a boa constrictor cannot kick down a door.
**They aren't that fast. They can't beat down the door either.
***Constricting the door MIGHT work if it were open and unlocked. But it isn't.
****They know we're coming at this point. The snake isn't breaking down the door anytime soon and it's looking ridiculous.

*No, I may not name my snake Solid.
**Yes I must give MYSELF a name besides Snakeman.
***I am a ranger, not the Dark Knight.
****If I keep talking like that I'll destroy my throat.

[JAL_1138]

*If the rest of the party is two Devotion Paladins, a Life Cleric, and a Divine Soul Sorcerer, my Bard's entire repertoire should not consist solely of Bad Religion songs.

[TeChameleon]

*It doesn't matter how high a strength score it has, a boa constrictor cannot kick down a door.
**They aren't that fast. They can't beat down the door either.
***Constricting the door MIGHT work if it were open and unlocked. But it isn't.
****They know we're coming at this point. The snake isn't breaking down the door anytime soon and it's looking ridiculous.

Interestingly enough, at least one breed of constrictor might actually be able to headbutt a door open.

In whatever case...

* I am no longer allowed to figure out that Magic Missile neatly bypasses 99% of the defenses of the time god that the party is facing and proceed to come disturbingly close to *plink!*ing him to death (wimp teleported away rather than keep fighting, heh...)

[Lord Raziere]

* My Sidereal does not wield a Starmetal Reaper Daiklave that has evocations which make it glow blue
** Getimians don't wield reaper daiklaves that glow red
*** Sidereals don't have a charm or artifact that allows them to force push and Getimians don't have blue jade gloves to shoot lightning at people
**** May not make a Chosen of Secrets that is short and speaks like Yoda.
***** May especially not make a double-bladed red blade glowing daiklave-wielding Getimian
****** Rakan Thulio is not a sith lord and he does not only deal in absolutes.

[JAL_1138]

*Not allowed to suggest that the party should try to avoid catching the bard in the radius of the Fireball. Especially more than once.
**Not allowed to reply that that is not what the phrase "Physician, heal thyself" means.

*If the party consists of a wizard, a bard, and a sorlock, we're going to be in trouble when the melee starts.
**The abovementioned party composition is not allowed to prove surprisingly effective in melee.

*My bard does not need to sing Steppenwolf's "Magic Carpet Ride" constantly to keep his flying carpet in the air.
**Especially when making stealth checks.

[noob]

*** bards are not supposed to succeed in stealth checks while singing.
**** It is forbidden in mutants and masterminds to have a concealment power limited to work only while singing.
***** even through it is one of the rare cases where it is constraining to sing.

[Anonymouswizard]

*** bards are not supposed to succeed in stealth checks while singing.
**** It is forbidden in mutants and masterminds to have a concealment power limited to work only while singing.
***** even through it is one of the rare cases where it is constraining to sing.

****** Quoting Gilbert and Sullivan doesn't make it more acceptable.

* DMPCs are not on 'the little list' of people who won't be missed, and I'm not high lord executioner anyway.
** The emperor's son does not play second trombone.

[danielxcutter]

I think there's a feat in 3.5e called Subsonics that allows Bardic Music to work even if you can't hear it, actually...

[Delta]

* My Sidereal does not wield a Starmetal Reaper Daiklave that has evocations which make it glow blue

Is he allowed to raid Authochthonia and bring back some sweet glowy blue Beamklaives?

[John Campbell]

* When the GM has gone to great lengths to restrict character generation to ensure that nobody gets more than 4, maybe 5 dice in anything, that is not a challenge to build a character that technically complies with all restrictions, but gets 10 to 15 dice in all his primary combat stats.
** Saying, "Vehicle stats stack with character stats, right?" without context does not constitute asking permission.

[Katrina]

* No longer allowed to build the Wing Zero in a mecha game. Not even if I balance it with the Zero system. Especially if mecha pilots in this setting are canonnically twelve and under.
* If a character in any non-Exalted game system has dice pools that rival Exalts, I am to assume it is banned.

[Lord Raziere]

Is he allowed to raid Authochthonia and bring back some sweet glowy blue Beamklaives?

Only if the Division of Secrets gives them the okay to discover them, and the way to get there and how to operate them....

* My Sidereal does not carry around Psychic Paper to get anywhere they want. That is apparently a Dragon-Blooded charm now.
** Nor can they make a Sonic Screwdriver and call it "Many-Faceted Songbird's Multi-Tool"
*** My Sidereal may not be completely honest and tired of Yu-Shan's bull so much that they leave their job to go rant about how Yu-Shan is full of jerks in both god and sidereal flavors to the nearest Solar with a good heart.

[JAL_1138]

** This is not a reference to an early OotS strip.
*** And not because V used the opposite of a Fireball.

No OotS reference intended. It was a reference to my Bard getting Fireballed multiple times by a Barbarian with a Helm of Brilliance who didn't think frying the party's healer was a bad trade for clearing a decent number of mooks. In fairness, there were a lot of mooks. My Bard survived, by the skin of his teeth, but wasn't exactly happy with the Barbarian afterward. (It was Adventurers' League, so I could have pulled the Code of Conduct card and complained until the DM stopped the Barb from causing friendly-fire, but I had enough ways to get healed after combat if I went down or get rezzed if I died that it wasn't worth arguing about.)

[PastorofMuppets]

I may no longer suggest new uses for the term/template Dire, including but not limited to: Dire mole rats, Dire Hornets, Dire Fleas, Dire mosquitoes or Dire Tapeworms.

In games with a modern setting I am not allowed to use google or amazon searches to find better items than the equipment lists in the game books

When tasked with defeating a human warlord my Elf is not allowed to call "waiting a few decades while he gets older and weaker" plan A.
--Plan B is not allowed to be adopting and training the many orphans his army leaves behind to create my own highly motivated army of revenge to strike back in about 20 years
---Any plan in which "acquire Orphans/Children is a step is preemptively vetoed"


I am to assume that questgivers want things done or at least worked on within the same week the quest is given.

[Rater202]

*My orphaned runaway can panic about being put into "the system," especially after her bad experiences in foster care. There are better times for her to do so than when she's homeless five years in the past on the other side of the planet, doesn't speak the local language, can't use her primary super power, and is probably in an alternate universe.

[Potato_Priest]

*When sneaking ahead of the party while invisible, be sure to always tell the group that you're doing so.
**If you don't, it's your own darn fault when you're in the middle of the opening fireball bombardment.

This didn't happen to me, but it did happen to a rogue in a game I was playing. It was pretty hilarious.

[Guizonde]

*just because a player decides to become a metaphorical pain-train does not allow me to create an actual pain-train out of him.
**"love locomotive" does not exist.
*** especially when filled to the brim with my character's 300 offsprings and culverins!!
**** there is no such thing as "redneck enthusiasm crossed with stereotypical german engineer" archetypes!

*just because the dm told me to go nuts, i can't simply solve every problem with explosions.
**even if my character worships the holy trinity trinitrotoluene.