Diamond Chef: Cooking Tournament

[Godzillarich]

Sabaku took a deep breath as he hiked to the starting point on the mountain. "Aaah. Don't you just love the smell of that mountain air?"
"What I'd really love is to be back in our nice heated hotel rooms! How can you even stand being in somewhere this cold." Dyck said as he breathed into his hands.
Clarinetta followed behind them. "Yeah, it's gotta be 20 below here! And there ain't a wood stove in sight."
"Come on guys! It's atmospheric. It's the great American pine forests. A symbol of freedom. First Blood, Red Dawn, Evil Dead, Jurassic Park..." He stopped to think. "Predator."
"Those last two happened in warm jungles, and one was in a Spruce Forest" Tombono corrected.
"... Whatever. They were good movies. Either way what are you complaining about. It gets just this cold in The Salt Desert at night. I'm sure you all remember the mighty trek that we did for two straight weeks tracking the Mighty Kyberdragon."
"I do. I told you to give up after the third day. You wasted more trying to get the thing than we got back. You nearly blew us up three different times."
"It was the principle of the thing! The Great Flame of The Salt Desert never gives up! I've got a reputa-"
Drum bursted onto the scene followed by three more people carrying a bunch of equipment. "Oh my god guys! I can't believe we are meeting a Rock Goat! They say that these inspired everybody from Metallica to Crystal King! Like all the greats. So I got in touch with my old band to totally jam out during the fight! Cause like this is just one of those once in a lifetime chances! I hope you don't mind. I don't know if you've heard of us. We're called "Hey Death!". It consists of me, Guiletar, Barabass, and Singarah." Two other punk woman, and a blonde man waved to the group.
"Pretty sweet gig. Our album is totally going to sell a ton after this." One of them said.

As the conversation was going on a faint sound could be heard from the sky that got louder and louder, It almost seems like screaming. “Quiet…” Richard interrupted as he listen to the sound. “...What is tha..?

(BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!”)

An incredible force landed in front of them. The knockback was so powerful it created a wave of snow that covered everyone in the area making them look like snowman.

“I told you we didn’t need to landed that silly plane.” Liberty proclaimed as he set Ma down beside him.

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!” Ma yelled at her brain-damaged partner. “WE COULD HAVE DIED!”

Liberty simply brushed himself off. “I didn’t wanted to risk the plane crashing with are friends on it. The pilot said it was impossible to land near the mountain with that storm going on.”
“We could’ve landed the plane back at the hotel and just walked but you decided to be an idiot and nearly got us killed.” Ma hollered as she checked her system to see if there was no damage.

“I didn’t want to waste time, besides that’s not even the first time I jumped out of a plane, in fact most of the time I do that from outer space.” he continued on before noticing the snowman in front of them. “It looks like some of the other groups made some snowman.”

The members of The Salt Crew shook off the snow. Sabaku was the first to speak. "Well I mean you could have died, but you didn't. Jeez for a Gourmet Crew you sure do bicker a lot. You seem to be what we in the biz call 'one coursers'. Because your gourmet menu probably only has one course on it." He chuckled to himself before he started picking his teeth in though. "You guys do have that practice where you're from right."

Ma Simply ignored the little guys dribbling nonsense as she turned towards the top of the Mountain. “Before we continue making asses of ourselves, we need to find that goat? Any idea where could be on this godforsaken mountain?"

"Yo, dude. You don't come to the Goat man. The Goat comes to you." One of the band memebers said sagely.
"Yeah. Once every year, the Rock God desecnds from the mountain to those who prove themselves worthy by being TOTALLY ****ING METAL!" Drum said playing a quick tune with her drums. "So I think we got you beat in that aspect. Cause we're the most ****ing metal thing there is! So hold onto your steel chariot cause Tonight We Ride!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOvZKJlrtk8
Sabaku talked over the band playing in the background. "I think what she was trying to say was 'May the best man win'! How 'bout we shake on it buddy." Sabaku said offering his hand to Liberty.

“I miss Ouiu.” she mumbled to herself as she looked around for any clues.

“Best of luck little kid.” Liberty said, shaking his hand. Unfortunately the force of his handshake caused Sabaku to be launched into the air and out of sight. “...ops” Liberty mumbled. he held out his hands ready to catch him.

Ma looked back at the others “If you people are done playing your **** music maybe you could be useful and help us find.”

(BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!)

The Top of the mountain exploded in a furious Fireball. “WHO DARE’S INSULT THE METTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!”

“...Of couse.” Ma Mumble to herself.

Sabaku was thrown into the air via handshake. About three seconds of screaming happened before a hang-glider appeared from his pack. "Thanks for the lift, you ****er!" He yelled down to Liberty as he balanced his gun on the glider. He mumbled an apology to the rock goat before he fired. Halfway through his shell exploded, and rained down napalm onto the landscape around the goat setting blaze to the forest around him
"****IN' METAL!" yelled one of the band memebers.

The goat god simply stared at the napalm clouds before sticking out his tongue and tasting it “NOT METAL ENOUGH!” The goat God screamed before he ran towards the others on the ground at supersonic speeds, Being completely unfazed by the napalm because he was just that METAL!

“Run!” Liberty explained to the others. “I can take care of this.” Liberty looked at The goat as he came towards him like a meteorite. “I don’t know why you like to call yourself an element but I won’t judge you Mr. Goat. FREEDOM TIMES 2” He Screamed before his muscles expanded, With his lightning fast reflexes he grabbed onto the spiked horns on the Goat and tried to stop him his momentum. The snow started to melt around them.

“I WILL SHOW YOU TRUE METAL YOU COUNTRY LOVING BIRD!” It yell as It continue to run pushing Liberty back ever so slightly. It started the charge of its laser beam.

Sabaku flew over the area as he loaded another shell into his gun. "Well fire doesn't work, but... Rock beats shock right? Pokemon rules." He fired a shot that arced with a hiss in the sky, it flew past the goat, and landed with a boom above as it took out a chunk of the mountain above. Sending boulders, and rocks tumbling below into the Rock Goat.

Sabaku let out a chuckle as he saw a smaller boulder slam into the Rock Goat's leg setting the creature off balance. This laugh was quickly turned into screams as he caught an updraft from the flaming forest below careening him directly into Liberty.

“BAAAAAA…” Liberty screamed as the kids slammed into him. The force caused liberty to go flying off a un-conveniently placed Cliff to the side of them. Luckily the monthly bird was able to grab the side of the ledge. “You’re okay kid?” he asked Sabaku, Holding him to his side as they dangled off the cliff.

Just then the rock goat came to the side of the cliff and looked down at them. “Now pay for your insolence against metal! You dumb, Over muscled, egotistical, disrespectful, smelly birdbrain.” he said as he charged his lightning attack. “Now go to country he…”

(slash)

A sound ranged out as A knife cut through the goat's Left horn Cutting it off. The goat swung back around Forcing the person responsible to jump back. “I’m the only one who’s allowed to insult the bird...” Ma Shouted as she pointed one of the kitchen knives straight at the goat. “...He’s my punching bag.”

Meanwhile Liberty and Sabaku were still hanging off the side of the cliff. “You got an idea kid? I can't pull us up without my other arm but then I would have to let go of you.”

Sabaku looked up with digust at Ma! "What?... You cheated! You... Big fat cheating cheater! Only the hunter is supposed to be able to make attacks unless your own life is in danger!" He shouted at the dumb bird.

“I told her that last round but she seems a little too stubborn.” Liberty told the small man as he tried to pull himself up. “oh well I'm not complaining.”

He ignored Liberty rocking to the side as he jammed a piton into the cliff face. After a couple seconds, and some pitons he got himself up the cliff face. As he got himself up the cliff he immediately started doing a hustle towards a boulder for cover nearby as he started throwing around small objects into the environment. He took out his trusted rambo knife, and flung it towards the goat catching it in the leg. He started bolting down the mountain as it banged it's head, and sent out a shockwave sending up all the objects on the ground that took aim, and shot multiple lasers from different angles at the Rock Goat that played a guitar solo of agony. It also sent the boulder that Sabaku previously used as cover rolling down the mountain after him.

Liberty climbed up the Cliffside. “That kid can climb fast…” He thought to himself, dusting himself off. He then saw Sabaku Whiz past Behind him. He turned his head towards him. “Oh hey kid so how’s the goatAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” he screamed as he suddenly noticed the giant boulder heading towards them. “I got this FREEDOM TIMES THREE!” He screamed as his muscle expanded. “FREEDOM PUNCH!” He yelled slamming his fist into the Boulder and shattering into thousands of tiny pebbles. He then turned his head towards the goat.

“Three might be trouble even if they don’t know the true meaning of METAL!” He then turned his head towards Richard and the other band Members. “FACE TRUE METAL YOU PASSY ASS BAND!” It’s then find electric guitar pulse at them.

“WATCHOUT!” Ma Screamed as she jumped in the way of the blast trying to block it.

(KABOOM!)

She explosion into pieces her parts rained down on the snow-covered floor “MAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Liberty screamed in pure horror as he ran Towards the wreckage of his partner.

“That’s what she gets for not being METAL Enough!” The goat then turned its head towards Sabaku. “The birds crying like a baby, the robots in wreckage and your pathetic grunge band is too pathetic to do anything, now it’s just you and me Shorty.”

"Hey we aren't pathetic!" Drumette called out with a weak voice.
"We aren't even a grunge band!" One of the other band memembers said pitifully.
Clarainetta raised her voice above the others "Yeah! That Goat is just one big bully! Take him out for us!"

Tombono was giving a thumbs up while Dyck crossed his arms and gave a nod.

"Well... I was going to just beat you up to make some sasuage you ****ty goat. But now you've insulted my friends, my cook, and my hype band! But most of all... NO ONE CALLS ME SHORTY!" Sabaku got out his grappling hook, and grappeled his way through a couple of burning trees wrapping himself tightly in his outfit. With a final grapple the hook wrapped itself on the goat's horns as he was pulled closer to his target Sabaku flailed wildly through the air. A collection of caltrops being scattered throughout the arena. The goat flailingly wildly as it tried to shake Sabaku off nailing multiple caltrops to his legs, and hooves.

“GET OFF ME!” The goat screams Before using its mighty had to fling Sabaku like a rocket into a nearby Cliffside. “DIE YOU JAZZ LOVING HIPPIE!” It yell before firing electronic guitar Blast at him

(BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!)

“SABAKU!” Drumette Yelled out as the cliff collapsed on his friend.

“Well that takes care of that.” The goat said with a smirk before turning his attention to the band. “Is the grunge brand ready to die?” It said as It’s prepared the charge them.

“You Bastard!” Liberty yelled as he lifted himself up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZLjp5Rei4s

“Aw it’s the stupid bird, What’s the matter, sad I destroyed your sex toy?” It said as it turned its head towards Liberty.

Liberty was uncharacteristically quiet, he no longer had a smile but a look of determination on his face. “The sense of justice is stronger than any metal!”

“HA NOTHING IS AS EXTREME AS METAL!” The goat screamed before charging straight at Liberty.

The ground around Liberty started to shake. “JUSTICE…” And then it seemed like the whole mountain was shaking as a burning passion boiled in Liberty’s heart. “...TIME…” He readied his fist for one final punch, He could hear nothing but the goat’s footsteps in the beating of his own heart. He waited for the right moment.

“I’M HAVING ROASTED CHICKEN TONIGHT!” The goat yelled out in glee a meter away.

“TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!” He yelled his arm grow 10 times its normal size.

“WHAT THE FU...!” Was all it could yell out before the fist hit his head.

“JUSTICE PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNCH!” He screamed as a massive shock wave eruptioned. Knocking back, Snow, rocks, trees, and even the people nearby. The stock which travel throughout the mountains and could be felt all over the mountain and the surrounding areas.

“SO ****ING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AL!” Was all the goat could say before exploding into tiny bits. Pieces of its corpse rain down all over the area almost looking like bloodied rain.

All that was left standing was Liberty who more looked like a skeleton of a bird than an actual bird. “I told you justice is stronger meta….” He managed to get out before collapsing on the snow.

Sabaku appeared next to Drum holding out a bag to collect some of the raining meat in the environment. "Wow that sure was a close one."

"I thought you were dead!" all members of the The Salt Flame's group said in unison.
"Oh... That was my balloon double. I threw it out when I got thrown off. The real me grappled out of there as the damn bird ruined my plan. I was hoping to use the magnetic qualities of the caltrops to throw the goat off balance, and then disrupt his electromagnetic flow with an EMP, and throw an explosive down it's gullet. Anyway... Their hunter blew his load on the first thing he saw so that means we have free reign of the rest of the ingredients they put here!" Sabaku grinned as he grappled off into the distance.

Just then screaming could be heard, Sabaku looked at the others “Okay what the hell is it no...CHASH” Suddenly a helicopter landed directly Next to Sabaku.

“Is everyone alright?” Pint said as he walked out the helicopter.

“I’m okay.” Ms. Wahidana replied, Climbing out of the broken wreckage. “Good thing Nukeele Stayed back at the hotel.”

“I knew flying near Liberty was a bad idea, He always somehow takes out planes from ground level. I don’t even know how” Pint-size Said as he dusted himself off. He then noticed the people standing near him. “Hello, Um do you guys know were Liberty and Ma Are?”

"Yeah. They're over next to the burning piles of blood. Both of them are out of commision though." Sabaku said nonchantalty before grappling off into the distance again.

Pint came up to Liberty. “Come on let’s get up, We have a long way to walk back.”

“Hi Pint…” Liberty mumbled Barely keeping himself conscious. “Did I make the plane crash again. Sorry about that.”

“MA!” Wahidana Screamed as she ran towards her mentors destroyed body, at this point she was only a torso and ahead. “We need to get her Back to the hotel.”

“Okay, let’s grab all the meat we can and get out of here.” Pint ordered as he threw Liberty over his shoulder. “Hopefully that weightlifting train will come in handy.” He then noticed the others Off to the side. “Would it be too much trouble to help us bring these guys back to the hotel?”

"Tom, take them back to the hotel. I know you won't have any trouble carrying them."
Tombono effortlessly picked both of the knocked out people up, and started to steadily jog towards his location as the rest of the team went to investigate the area.

[Garjel_blah]

"Utterly unprofessional," Mealzebub scoffed...

Hi Rav! Your inbox is full so I couldn't reply to your message, just FYI.

(NaNoWriMo looks siiiick btw can't believe I hadn't heard of it)

[Demonjazz]

(OOC: I finally am going to move onto the cooking round. You will be able to post your battles later if you wish but cooking dishes, and votes will start again. The categories are fun, style, presentation, and creativity. All worth two points each. You can give a maximum of 3 awards to one person. Who won in each category will be announced later along with final scores)
"And with that we will announce the end of the fighting rounds! What an exciting group of fights. My favorite time had to be when the fire bears punched an ice caribou and it melted! Great times! But first now we'll have a word from our sponsors!... Wait can you hear that... It sounds like someone is coming to give us a delicious, and refreshing cold drink... It's... It's..."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z54MpfR3XE4
An android passed through the audience throwing bottles of refreshing Pepsi-Cola with a delicious hint of citrus in each bottle before running into the announcer booth. "PEPSIMAN! The android line that single handedly took down the coke droids during the war! Wow, what do we have the honor of your presence, Pepsiman!"
Pepsiman looked like he was trying to talk, but that he couldn't.
"What's that Pepsiman!? You want Pepsi to sponsor this match, and in return have all the contestants use Pepsi products in some way in their cooking! Wow! I think that's a great idea, I heard that pepsi makes a delicious frozen treat, and can be used as a better substitute to Coca Cola in most recipes!"
Pepsiman gave the announcer a thumbs up, and handed him a pepsi. They both turned to the camera and drank the cola giving a small refreshing sigh.

[Demonjazz]

Sabaku was chewing on some sunflower seeds he approached the judges. He leaned on the desk where they did their judging. Noticing that some of the people sitting in chairs still were taller than him standing he took a box, and stood on it. "So." He said spitting out a sunflower seed on the floor. "You know that like... The Chef cheated by fighting in that... Like in a brazen display of breaking the rules. Chef Ma completely changed the outcome of the fight. Not to brag, but I could have probably won that fight if it wasn't for that chef fighting."
"I agree with you, mah boi and it would be no question as to if they'd be disqualified." Hanson paused. "But these are very important emissaries from a foreign planet. And well... We put it up to a vote."
"Oui, Twas only an over reaction. They were in a very high stress situtation and it is perfectly understandable, mon ami." Added Madame D'eau
"Very dishonorable to disrespect such an important guest." Added M. Nudo.
"Yeah, we got to make peace, not war with the aliens. What they think of us if we just let some silly mistake in a competition ruin our attitudes towards each other. Just mellow out, and let it slide." Pisces said sagely.
Sabaku pounded his first on the table. "LET IT SLIDE! MELLOW OUT! Do you know why they call me the Flame of the Salt Desert? Like the flaming towers that were used to help miners, and caravans find their way during sandstorms! I am a beacon to my area! I am the only official Gourmet Hunter to come out of my area in a century! Living proof that the Salt Desert is still worth something! And you are going to let some cheating cheater go because they're ambassadors! I'm the only ambassador that the Salt Desert has got and I say that those guys cheated! And I know you wouldn't let us get away with that ****! Because cheaters don't just get off scott free!"
"Woah now, there's no reason to get worked up. There's just some different priorities with a new people." Pisces said.
"Oui, while I J'adore your enthusaism and passion your statements lack respect, and dignity."
Sabaku puffed his cheeks, and spit the remains of the sun flower seeds at the feet of Madame D'eau. "Well I ain't so certain that I know how to act respectful. Mama always said that you only give respect when you get it." He said doing an exaggerated accent
"I told you taking in this charity case was a bad idea, Pisces. I'll put it simply so that you can understand! I know most people were home raised where you are from. Salt isn't a very important resource."
Sabaku suddenly lunged at Mr. M Nudo. Being caught mid air by Tombono who suddenly apperaed on the scene. He clawed fruitlessly at the air as he was dragged away. "YOU TAKE THAT BACK! SALT IS NEEDED TO SEASON ANYTHING! MEAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE WITHOUT IT! IT PRESERVES MEAT TOO! YOU'D DIE WITHOUT ANY OF IT YOU ELITIST PRICKS! THIS IS CLEAR FAVORTISM, AND CLASSISM! I HOPE YOU DIE FROM SODIUM DEPRIVATION! I'M NOT A CHARITY CASE!" and so on until he was dragged back into the kitchen out of earshot of the judges

[Godzillarich]

"Um Excuse me Mr. judges..." Wahidana mumbled as she walked up to the judges. "Can we hold off a little bit, Ma is still in critical condition since the last hunt."

"Oui, I'm sorry but That can't happen, we already reserved all the slots for TV and all the stuff is done live." Madame D'eau

"And we already let you slide on some things, anymore and it could seem like cheating to the other contestants." Hanson Added

"However..." Added M. Nudo "If you have any cooking staff they are eligible to take the chef place."

Wahidana Looked in surprise. "...Oh no I'm only an assistant I can't..."

"She'll do it in flying colors!" Pint interjected as he jumped on the judges table. "...She and Nukeele had the makings of a great chef, I seed in their eyes, a passion driving them unable to stop."

He was then pulled off the table by Wahidana. "But I can't." She whispered into Pint's ears "...Can't do anything by myself, I've always needed others to lay back on. I'll fail I may even ruin Ma reputation."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2s9l8Ka5_g&t=204s

Pint then grabbed her. "Listen here Wahidana, Days like this will come, days where you can't rely on her to lead you, days when you have to help her like right now. You may not think of yourself anything But a feeble assistant but like everyone else there's a fire burning in you." Pint then let go of her As he looked down at the floor "But this fire is squelched by your own fear," He then looked back at Wahidana with a fury in his eyes "...But not now, You go over to your fears and tell him to go **** themselves!"

Someone then rubbed up against Wahidana's arm "I believe in you chef Wahidana." Nukeele mumbled as she tried to comfort her.

Wahidana pulled her head up fear still in her eyes. "I'll do it..."

"Say it again." Pint exclaimed.

"I'll do it..." Wahidana said in a normal voice.

"Say it again this time with the fire fully burning in your heart!" Yelled Pint

"I'LL DO IT! I'll make the best dish I could possibly can! A dish that would even amaze Chef Ma!"

“That’s it, now make Ma proud!” Pint yelled.

Wahidana than bowed Slightly to Pint. “Thank you Pint.” And with that she ran to their cooking table.

“You’re very good motivational speaker.” M. Nudo Told Pint.

“Oui, You’re a natural at this Motivational speak.” Madame D'eau Added.

“Thanks, I learned from the best.” Pint reply before sitting down On the nearest empty chair.

[Garjel_blah]

(OOC: I'm just going to post what Rav and I have so far for the Rock Goat hunt. It at least establishes the main ingredients we collected for the cooking round. We may try to post more later but no promises)

With a hiss of pressure equalisation, Wasabi Scoville locked a large cylindrical fuel cell into her hunting flamethrower, and flicked on the ignition. A quick test-squeeze of the trigger, and a nearby treestump at the base of the mountain was engulfed in roaring yellow flame from the nozzle.
"Ahh..." Bibi sighed, breathing deep. "I love the smell of condensed vegetable oil in the morning. Smells like... McDonald's."
She cut off the short blue ignition flame, setting down the weapon to heave on her jetpack.

"At least it's not the the ocean again eh Julie?" she said to the knight-hunter. "That sucked balls man."

Julia took a moment to answer back, somewhat distracted. "Oui, though a gourmet hunter must be prepared for anything, it was unfortunate that both of us had to deal with our first rounds with such a disadvantage, armor is hardly a fitting accompaniment for water."

Julia had little against the Scoville sisters. This one was a tad vulgar for her tastes, and her sister but she would gladly take her over that malicious brute of a troll any day.

Nevertheless her mind was somewhat preoccupied, once again Mealzebub had provided her with an additional requirement alongside the difficulties inherent with facing a beast as dangerous as a Rock Goat. The fool wanted her to milk the damned thing. He had of course ignored her claims that this was impossible, that a nursing Rock Goat was no less dangerous than it's male counterparts, still possessing the same horns and other implements of destruction. What was worse was that they were typically accompanied by the goat's young, usually two or three, which were nearly as dangerous as their parents even at a young age. How she was going to deal with an entire family had not been answered by the frustratingly obstinate demon.

A thought however occurred to Julia, though the competitive nature of the match was somewhat at odds with diplomatic solutions, the current affair could actually have a mutually advantageous solution.

"Miss... Wasabi? Forgive me if I am being forward but would you be at all adverse to a temporary alliance for the round? An opportunity has suggested itself to me that we could both reap, if you were so inclined."

"Hmmm..." Wasabi rubbed her chin thoughtfully, her grin shrinking into a knowing half smile. "I might just be inclined so, Lancelot! What's the pitch?"

"We both have," Julia began "what some might call perfectionist partners. Mine for example is looking for a particular ingredient, Rock goat milk. This certainly presents a numerous set of potential problems, but not least of which is the fact that a nursing rock goat will almost certainly have her kids present as well. However there is where our joint opportunity presents itself. Those young goats are going to be the most tender cuts of meat available for almost any chef in this round. I would be pursuing them myself if not for my partner's requested ingredients. So rather than either of us having to tangle with an angry mother Rock goat and her brood by ourselves, we deal with the threat together and take what part of the prize that we desire."

"Would this be amenable to you, Mademoiselle?"

"You had me at the low-key passive-aggressive snark about our bitchy cook-counterparts, mon amie!" Wasabi agreed cheerfully. "It'll be like a proper quest, doing the hunt with you. Except usually I reckon you save the kids instead of, well, killing them."

She kicked her jetpack into gear, the thrusters sputtering to life as they lurched her into the air a foot. This put her almost at the height of the armoured knight.
"Want me to take point?" she suggested, nodding in the direction of the wooded base of the mountain.

Julia shook her head.
"Hold back, I will present myself to the mother, it will challenge me first, while her kids will likely hold back a few moments before they decide I may present their mother with enough of a challenge to warrant their attention. It is in these moments when you must strike. Wait until you can cut off the kids from their mother with your fire, and from there we deal with our quarries separately, divide and conquer as it were."

"Ok, I'll meet you up there!"

Wasabi rocketed upward, looping around and flying along the treeline.

[Godzillarich]

“Okay…” Wahidana mumbled As she looked at Ma recipe dish for this cooking session “She was planning to make it goat chili. That can’t be too hard can it?” she then turned her head towards the different ingredients that were laid out on the table. She then look to the side to see the empty Pot that was about the size of an SUV. “Let’s get to cooking.” She said as she rubbed her hands together, trying desperately not to show how worried she was. “Nukeele get to chopping those onions.”

“You got it!” Nukeele yelled before turning her horned tail towards the onions. She then swung her tail furiously cutting the onions at an alarming speed and after less than five seconds all that was left was onion confetti.

“Very good.” Wahidana nervously said as he using her magic to pick up the onions and throw them into the pot. At this point Ma would’ve started the fire but unfortunately she wasn’t here. “Let’s see if I can do fire magic well enough here” She thought to himself Before firing a spell straight at the metal pot. The spell seemed to have done the trick as the pot heated up. After about five minutes she threw in some Chilli Powder, Cumin, Oregano and Cinnamon into the pot. “Okay time for the goat meat, it’s grounded up right?” Wahidana asked nervously

“Have I ever let you guys down before?” Nukeele Exclaimed as she pointed at the grounded up goat meat.

“Thank you.” Wahidana told Nukeele before using her magic to throw the meat into the pot. She then used her magic to levitate a giant spoon. She put in the pot and started to mix it together. After mixing for a minute she then threw in Tin Chopped Tomatoes, Tomato Puree, Beef Stock Cube and some special seasoning before continuing to Mix the pot. After mixing for little bit more she added some water and then continued mixing it. She then used her magic to put the lid back on the pot. “Hopefully the time isn't.” Wahidana thought to herself after waiting about 20 minutes for to be cooked. “All we need now is the beans.” She said before throwing the gigantic kidney beans into the pot. She then started mixing it again.

"Wahidana We forgot about the Pepsi!" Nukeele Told Wahidana "I don't think the dish will work well if we put it in now."

Wahidana Looks nervously as she notice A barrel full of Pepsi that they were given to complete the dish. "Hopefully they won't mind it." She told her partner before picking up the Pepsi with her magic and pouring it into the dish.

After 10 minutes Wahidana Came back to the pot. “All we need now is just to mix it a little bit more.” She thought to herself still not sure of her own skills. She then turned off the magical fire from the pot and put on the lid. “And that’s that for better or for worse.” She told Nukeele.

“Don’t worry…” Nukeele Interjected as she tried to comfort Wahidana “No matter how well you do I’m sure chef Ma would be proud of you.”

“Thank you!” Wahidana Said with a nervous smile as she used her magic to lift the pot over to the Judges table. “I hope you like it.” She told the judges before walking off.

[Demonjazz]

As Sabaku sulked in the corner still mumbling to himself about cheaters the others were quick in the kitchen.
Clarineta and Drum were hauling in a large sack of ingredients as it landed on a counter with a thud Dyck Derringer started to take stock of the ingredients he found. "Pfft. Everyone's always more concerned with the main ingredients. The fools didn't even try to get other ingredients. We had a lucky find with this container of pancake batter we found in that cabin."
"Hun, I don't think that was supposed to be for us. I'm pretty sure, the boss just robbed one of the producers of their breakfast." Clarineta said to him.
"... Well, it's ours now. Turn up the heat, and get out a vanilla Pepsi. I've got a pla-" Just then a spiky-haired with blonde tips had somehow made his way down from the stands made his way to the Salt Desert crew he was waving his hands frantically as a couple of guards chased him.
"Hey! Hey! My name is Kier Fiori, and I'm from the Salt Desert! I'm your biggest fan! Your food is amazing!" this Kier man was about to get tackled by the guards when Sabaku put his arm around his... Waist. Dyck stood next to him too. Sabaku put his hand up in a stopping gesture. "Hey now. We can't go denying our fans a bit of time with us, eh. He's our biggest fan, after all." The guards reluctantly backed off as Sabaku guided the man toward the kitchen to sit him down. Kier looked ecstatic as they did so.
Dyck had a look of reservation on his face before he turned to the rest of the crew. "Come on! Double time it! We're making another serving for our biggest fan here!"
Kier looked around with an expectant smile. "So... Uh. Like I said! I love all your cooking! Let me tell ya, some of your recipes made my wife the talk of every party in town! I never knew Andiluvian Sandworm could taste so good! You guys sure are keeping some of that Salt Desert spirit alive!"
Sabaku looked over Kier. "Heeey! I never forget hair like that. We did a job for you didn't we?"
Kier nodded. "Ya sure did! You saved my livestock right good. If it weren't for you killing that giant whiteback rattler my farm would be dead for sure!"
Sabaku gave a smirk. "Yeah, I know. Hard work for a farmhand, but easy for a rewound gourmet hunter like myself."
"Mhmm! I know everybody treats ya like dirt here, but that's just cause them city folk are jealous of some real competition coming their way! They wouldn't last a week in the Salt Desert! No way, no how!"
Sabaku's smirk intensified. "Yeah, they probably never even had climate training! Or had to track a Himalayan Pink Scorpion during a salt storm!"
Tombono looked over at the man. "You, you were the one that we played at your barn party after our job."
"Boy howdy, You sure was! Ain't never had a hootin-nanny like that before! That's how ya got your record deal! Sent Billy after ya to cut your album!"
"Billy's a rocker man! Were you the one that convinced him to take our more traditional stuff in?" Kier nodded to Drum. "Righteous! He was the one to get 'Hey Death!' on the radio too!"
Clara blushed. "Oh, Billy. That hun was a real sweetheart. He knew how to treat a lady."
"He was a man of honor, and you were continually making physical contact with him," Tombono added stoically. Sending up a giggle from Drum and a laugh from Sabaku causing Clara's face to grow an even brighter shade of red.
Dyck cleared his throat loudly before slamming a spoon on the table having everyone even the normally stoic Tombono to look up in surprise. "We're in a tournament, not a church get together! So get working!" All of the crew quickly got their stations as Dyck started stirring a bowl. After the chaos of everyone getting to their stations was over Kier spoke up as he looked... Around Dyck's shoulder. "So, what are you cooking anyway?"
"As you know, I am excellent at making a themed meal. The theme was mountains so we're taking some of the classic dishes of the Rocky Road mountains, and adding a bit of exotic flavor to them." Dyck poured a bit of vanilla Pepsi into the bowl he was stirring.
"And... That means?" Kier looked confused by what he was saying.
"Well first off we're making what they call a Paul Bunyan Special. Using the authentic 1840s pancake mix... Or at least that's what it said on the package. We're going to try to balance the heartiness of the meal out with the sweetness of the pancakes. The maple syrup having a bit of bite by adding just a touch of willow bark, and a bit of sweetness with a teaspoon of vanilla coke to give it not only some aroma, but a rich sweetness."
"Pancakes. Gotta love those, but you can't have a sweets with no meats! That's what my mama used to always say!"
"Exactly! I see you too can appreciate the brilliance of the mountain men too. For that we are sorting through the goat debris to make a mountain sausage. What the settlers used to call a sausage made of goat. The robust, and powerful flavor of the Rock Goat can be overwhelming so it's important that we only make a small amount of them so as not to overwhelm the taster. Which is why you have to have the pancakes to balance it out. You must eat the sausage with a bit of syrup, and a bite of pancake, r you'll be blown away by the extreme tastes of it. And you can't have mountain sausage without a bit of bear bacon. Sabaku's skinning that right now with his knife, and while ordinarly it would take days at least to smoke that... Well I have an ancient secret of marination passed down from dad. Before you ask, It's in my will. I'll only release it on death."
"Well that's one way to keep a company secret!"
"Anyway, With such extreme, exotic, and gamey tastes it's important to have a palette cleanser, and the pancakes won't do by themselves. Which is why the drink is a large glass of the melted ice shell of an ice caribou. They say it's some of the purest water there is."
"Wow! As a desert dweller I'm certainly looking forward to that. Can barely get water without a .5% salt level in it from the city! Everybody's got to put in water filters."

Dyck, and the crew slaved over their work even Sabaku putting aside his usual lazy tendencies to help the others. Everybody seemed to be real cheered up by their new fan in the kitchen. He was the first one to get a meal which he discussed as he chewed. He started off with the pancakes.
"Well... The batter certainly gives it some real authenticity. It's very different from more modern batter, a little less sweet, a little less fluffy, but it's... Different in a good way. Kinda like an old-timey sasparilla. Speaking of which that maple syrup... Dee-lish. Gives it a real soda pop saloon kick in the arse! Ain't no man gonna get mocked from going to bar for a Vanilla Pepsi now!"
He moved onto the mountain sausage that he paired as told with the syrup, and pancake. "Oh... Oooh! It's... Just... ooooh! It's like every meat flavor in your mouth at once, but wrapped in a sweet bun!" He cut into the bear bacon. "... It's... Gamey, and a bit salty." He dipped some into the syrup, and took a bite. "Goes much better with some of this. It's a good counterbalance to the rest of the meal... But I wouldn't exactly call it good by itself." He finally got onto the drink. He took a small sip, and then... Fell to the floor out of his chair. "I... I didn't know that water could taste that good!" He quickly took a longer gulp from the cup he luckily didn't spill. "You'd make a bloody fortune if you sold this in the desert! You could sell it for a million dollars, and people would buy it!" He drank more, and after a bit of conversation was eventually escorted back into the stands where his friends were shouting praises, and jibes at him.

Dyck looked over to the rest of the plates that were going to be handed out to the judges. "... Well... You heard the man. Quarter less bacon, and put a bit of syrup on them." As his crew fixed the plates he wheeled the trolley of dishes to the judges. If they didn't like Desert tastes, well it was just too damn bad this time.

[The JoJo]

Henry the Troll vs Ouiu

"So in summation," Ouiu said to her uncle, stretching her replacement arm carefully. "I'm to do mighty and glorious battle with a giant goat that breaths lightning and causes catastrophic shock waves with its extravagant head bobbing?"

"The honey-farming Slavic fire bears, ice caribou, wolf druids, and axe hawks notwithstanding of course." Bartholomew reminded her without fluster. "Yet have no fear, lass. These mountains... They bear a Highland scent beneath the stench of punk-rock debauchery. You were born to fight in these mountains."

The cyborg girl quickly embraced Bartholomew, emboldened by his ineffable sentiment.

"I won't let you down, uncle." she said.

"I know, lass. Now get ready."

Meanwhile, Lady Carmine straightened Henry's harness, before handing him his harpoon.

"You must be careful this time, I know you did well with the crab but it very nearly could have gone wrong," she said sternly. Henry moaned something inaudible in response.

"No, save your appetite for later," Carmine added, shooting Ouiu a dirty look. "I fear she might give you indigestion."

"I would never be so cruel!" Ouiu lambasted with obfuscate indignation. Carmine was about to shoot back a reply, before remembering her disguise. She instead smiled sweetly as the announcer took his position above the proceedings.

"Take your positions!" he called. Henry grunted and stepped up to his spot, picking at his leather harness. Ouiu stepped up next to him, flashing the camera a >:3 of determination.

"On your mark... Set!"

A horn blared.

Henry launched himself with a snarl at Ouiu, his fists raised. Ouiu jumped, deftly leapfrogging over the charging troll.
"Ah, so it is to be one of those hunts, you quarrelous cur you!" she decreed, shaking her small fist. "Well I would rather be fleet up the mountain than brawny at its base. I bid you adieu, noble fiend!"

And with that, Ouiu made a break for the edge of the forest, trying to lose her competition in a field of dense bracken. Henry let out a roar of anger and stomped after Ouiu, sending bracken left and right as he tore through the undergrowth. The girl might be faster than him, but he was strong, and determined not to fail the mistress.

The chase spanned deep into the forest, Ouiu navigating the terrain with speed and finesse while Henry forged his own path. The flora was dense and oppressive, even for Ouiu's heightened cyborg senses, and so she was surprised when after a few minutes of pursuit she emerged without warning into a clearing. Though devoid of large trees, the clearing was by no means empty.

In fact, a battle raged there.

Ice caribou and wolf druids were locked in vicious combat, icicles and stones launched by slings flying between the two factions as front line warriors skirmished in between. Ouiu, shocked by this visage of war, momentarily forgot her flight from the troll and merely watched from the edge of the battleground.

~

Meanwhile, Henry slowed to a halt as he realised his quarry had escaped. He let out a roar of anger, before sniffing the air with his wide nostrils. There were a number of scents surrounding him, so many that they threatened to overwhelm his small brain. He concentrated on one in particular: rock goat. Yes, that was what he was meant to be hunting.

~

"Woodland creatures of the mountain!" Ouiu cried out to the warring factions of caribou and wolf. None paid her heed, continuing to rain missiles and exchange blows on the battlefield. Ouiu fumed silently for a moment, then puffed out her bagpipes implant from her left shoulder.

A single toot of the pipes knocked the closest few combatants off their paws and hooves, and made the rest cower in shock. In the distance a flock of bird fled in alarm from the treetops, and a nearby squirrel fell down from its tree branch having died of an aneurism. There was silence.

"Ahem," Ouiu said, putting away her pipes to continue her speach. "Woodland creatures of the mountain. My name is Ouiu, and I know of your war. Tell me why do you fight among yourselves, when the real threat lurks at your home's summit? I implore you-"

Ouiu was interrupted as a battle-crazed wolf druid broke ranks, charging at the cyborg girl with a muffled howl as it brandished a club in its jaws. With a swift pirouette Ouiu dodged the swing, and immediately decked the ambitious wolf in the face.

"As I was saying..." she continued as some of the now-semi-conscious wolf's brothers dragged him away. "I implore you to set aside your differences, and join me on my quest to kill the Rock Goat! The bears have already agreed, once they are allowed access to their cavalry. I want you noble ice caribou to allow them this, then join forces with the bears and the wise druid wolves under my neutral banner to free the mountain of its true oppressor!"

"You want us to disband the blockade?!" asked an incredulous and highly decorative ice caribou, who Ouiu presumed was their leader. His antlers ended in spikes resembling the fractal patterns of a snowflake. "I, Baron Faulkner von Frostfur, will never allow those damned cowardly commies anywhere near their cavalry! They are traitors to our sacred alliance, and will be the next to fall after we crush these mangy hippie mutts!"

"Your 'sacred alliance'?" sneered an alpha-female wolf who was wearing a traditional chieftain headdress of feathers and beads. "I, Elder Moon Moon of the druid council, kick dirt on the verbal excrement that you just spoke! Your notion of sacred is but a feeble utterance compared to the eternal bond we share with Mother Nature, who you so callously besmirch."

"Damn hippie!" Baron Faulkner bleated at Elder Moon Moon. "You dare-"

"Stop!" shouted Ouiu, silencing the two rulers. "Let's just... Calm. See, I had a little parley with the bears about your conflict. Want to know what I think, o Baron and Elder? I think you've both betrayed your principles in the pursuit of a so-called righteous war. You."

Ouiu pointed at Baron Falkner of the ice caribou.

"I heard that you destroyed Yuri's village. You cantered in, and trampled his igloo underhoof. You attacked an ally, and why? Because his people refused to indulge your bloody, and quite obviously personal crusade against the druid wolves. What sort of an ally does that make you? And you."

Ouiu pointed at Moon Moon, Elder of the druid wolves.

"I saw what you did to the forest where Sasha kept her beehives. You destroyed- no, desecrated those trees. Tore them to pieces without scruple or ceremony, then left the soil frost over and become barren. What sort of a friend to nature does that make you?"

"That did feel a bit hypocritical, Elder Moon Moon." mentioned on of the other wolves, eliciting a resentful snarl from her.

"You shame us, Ouiu." admitted Baron Falkner.

"It is you who shame yourselves." accused Ouiu. "But are you to blame for straying from your honourable ways? No. For it was the Rock Goat and his evil influence that brought you to this!"

A murmur ran through the two sides, and Ouiu saw her chance to drive home her argument.

"Woodland creatures! I come from the Scottish Highlands, a land very similar to your mountain. Where the people live and die by their sacred ways, just as you do. Like you we can sometimes go to far... But when the Man-eating Haggis of Aberdeen devoured most of my clan, did we abandon our ways? No! Did we fight amongst ourselves for the scraps of what we once were? NO! We took the fight to that monstrous Haggis, and to this day we hunt it from the lochs to the Shetland Islands...

"So tell me, woodland creatures. Will you abandon your ways?"

There was a resound chorus of 'no!' among the assembled wolves and caribou.

"Of course not! Will you fight among yourselves for the scraps of what you once were?"

This time the chorus was less resounding, and Ouiu had to make a particularly stern >:3 to prompt them.

"NO!" she yelled. "Will you take the fight to this Rock Goat, and destroy it once and for all, for the good of all mountain dwellers?!"

A cheer (or, to be more precise, a mixture of mooing and howling) erupted from the assembled armies. Moon Moon padded forward, with Baron Falkner close behind.

"Ouiu, my tribe has spoken." said Moon Moon. "We will fight for you against the evil of the Rock Goat."
"As will mine." grumbled the Baron with some reluctance. "And we will lift the blockade on the bear cavalry. Though I don't think you quite understand what you're unleashing there..."

"As long as it's unleashed against the Rock Goat, I'm not complaining." Ouiu said. "Shall we march now?"

"You lead the way." said the Baron.

~

Henry slowed as his eyes caught sight of a pair of long horns. He had been following the scent of the Rock Goat for some time, but only now he was a mere fifty feet away did he catch sight of it. He drew his crossbow from his back and took another couple of steps forward.

crack!

He flinched as the twig broke beneath his feet. The goat turned its head, fixing him with a curious stare. Then, it bolted into the forest.

Henry threw the crossbow aside and thundered after his quarry. As a troll, he could run fast but not for very long. He knocked branches left and right as he struggled to keep pace with the Rock Goat. When he was only a few feet behind it, he took a risk and threw himself onto the goat's back. One of its horns missed his left eye by a fraction of an inch. He grasped hold of its neck and twisting with all his might. For a terrible moment, he thought the beast might actually be stronger than him, but then it buckled under him and came crashing to the ground. That was when he saw them.

Three MiG-29 fighter jets, flying in tight formation towards the mountain summit. Mere seconds after their accelerated arrival the scream of their engines began to catch up with them, a deafening whine and whistle that echoed around the mountain as the aircraft bore down on them. There were shapes balanced on each wing of the three jets, not guns nor missiles, but... Bears?

Yes, bears on the wings wearing flying goggles and leather jackets and Adidas tracksuit pants. When the jets flew into range, the bears began doing the prisyadka, and each perfectly synchronised Russian kick elicited from their shaggy hind bear paws a raging ball of fire, that hurtled towards the tussling Rock Goat and Henry in a blaze of rippling heat and smoke.

The troll barely had time to blink at the strange scene that greeted him, before he was struck by a metric ton of Russian bear. He and his quarry were thrown into a nearby tree, almost snapping the trunk in two and leaving Henry feeling like his tiny brain had just been smashed out by a large chunk of frozen vodka.

Meanwhile in the lead aircraft, Ivan roared triumphantly into his radio headset.

"Dat is signal!" Viktor said to Ouiu, Baron Falkner, and Elder Moon Moon as they skulked in wait with their armies. "Attack now!"

The Rock Goat staggered to its feet, dazed and enraged at what it was fairly sure was no more than a petty assault from those gopnik bear people. But when it heard the rumble, and saw come over the hill a mighty charge of bears, ice caribou, druid wolves, and then at the tip of the spear, the brunt of the vanguard, the zenith of violent and righteous struggle - the magnificent android uniter OUIU!

"ROCK GOAT!" she challenged. "The people come for your blood, o foul tyrant!"

The Goat bleated back its fury, sparks crackling between its horns.

Henry struggled to his feet, clutching his ringing head in his hands. He looked up at Ouiu and fixed her with a glare of pure loathing.

"Ugghhhh!" he roared at her, which in troll roughly translated as: "It's mine!"

"Woodland creatures!" Ouiu rallied, pointing at Henry. "That squat homunculoid over yonder is in vile cahoots with the Rock Goat. Do not let the accomplice to oppression stand in our way!"

A detachment of bears, headed by Viktor the large Slavic polar bear, placed themselves between Henry and the Rock Goat.
"You make big mistake, cuvak." Viktor threatened, his paws bursting into flame. "The last man to oppress bears end up as melting bones in flaming acid!"

Meanwhile, Ouiu and her army advanced on the Rock Goat itself. Shredding out a grim minor chord the Goat blasted aside the front line of ice caribou with its lightning, then rammed any wolf berserkers that charged in after them. Ouiu attempted a flank, diving in from behind with her fists primed for a telescopic punch, but was caught in mid air by a vicious kick of its rear hooves and sent sprawling in the dirt.

"Air support!" she called out. With a roar and a scream the bear-piloted jet aircraft swung about for a second run, raining balls of flaming bear fire down upon the Goat like a damnation from God himself. But this time, the beat was prepared.

Locking its hooves into a wide stance, the Goat faced up at the incoming jets and began to headbang. With a break-neck tempo the beast bobbed its chinnie-chin-chin, sending a shockwave right through the formation. The aircraft scattered, one even stalling as the passing shockwaves buffeted it to and fro.

"Blyat!" the pilot Ivan cursed from the falling plane, followed by Yuri's shouts of, "Mayday, mayday, Bear One is going down!"

"No!" Ouiu protested, and inflated her bagpipes. With a focused blast of counter-phase soundwaves in the falling aircraft's direction, Ivan regained just the control he needed to break out of the stall, a mere hundred or so metres from the treetops.

"Yes Ouiu!" Yuri cheered. "You are hero of bears this day, truly."

Yet even as he said this, the Goat had affixed one burning eye on the girl's cybernetically implanted instrument. It wasn't just animal instinct Ouiu saw in its glare, no - the beast was affronted.

Henry let out another roar; this time one that made the very hills around them shake. He fixed his eyes on Viktor, and then without any further hesitation, charged full pelt at the polar bear.

A group of zealous bears attempted to dog-pile the Rock Goat as it was distracted, much as Henry had done, but they had not the troll's might or his first-strike advantage. The Goat tossed them aside with a few taut bucks, and, fleet as a lightning bolt and twice as glowy, sprang directly towards Ouiu.

"Oof!" the cyborg coughed as she caught the beast by its horns before they could strike home, digging her heels into the ground as it forced her almost up to the vertiginous cliff face of the mountain. "Do you scorn my music so much that you would challenge me with such singular ferocity, beast of rock and metal?"

The Rock Goat snorted, and with a great heave flicked back its horned head, launching Ouiu back onto the battleground.

Her allies rushed to aid her as Ouiu climbed to her feet, but with a stamp of the Rock Goat's hoof a myriad of stone blocks burst like tombstones from the ground around her to obstruct their way. They grew thick and they grew tall, until the huntress was ensnared in a stone arena with her formidable prey.

Ouiu's eyes roamed over every inch of the cage, searching for some escape route, but she new already in her piezoelectric heart that she would duel the Rock Goat here. Not with combat, but with song!

"So be it..." she said, inflating her bagpipes. The Goat brayed its challenged, and with a thunderous lurch began to headbang once more, just as Ouiu matched with her pipes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqp6z6vfHX8

The shockwaves of each instrument pounded against each other, warping the space where they intersected and cascading over the stone barriers of the arena. Pulses of unfathomable intensity rippled through the ranks of bear, caribou, and wolf.
"By the mountain!" Moon Moon cursed. "Gods and machines do battle, and powers beyond what is natural manifest in this arena. Brothers and sisters, prepare wards of thyme and mistletoe and sanctify this place!"

"I rather like it, myself." the caribou Baron commented, bobbing his ice-antlered head in time to the beat.

Meanwhile, Ouiu's sweat faucets twisted open in her brow, sending beads of exertion down her distended rosy cheeks, a product of the immense strain of her performance against the beast of Pure Raw Metaaaaallll. Opposite the girl, the Rock Goat pounded out an unrelenting shred of electric tablature, the very dust around its hooves swirling into symbols of crackling arcane horror. Satan himself seemed to be channelling dark forces through the remorseless motion of this goat's head, every shake a damnation, every roll of it feral eyes an appeal to the Powers that Lurk to crush, maim, and rend the pathetic screechy musician that so wantonly indulged in boring old people music. Clouds gathered in the distance, vortexing about the arena as though their conflict was a drain through which the feeble sensibilities of modern society, their futile sanity and senescent formalities, were evacuated like so much vascular fluid from the Body of Christ. The Rock Goat headbanged, and for a brief moment it was as if the universe was the one headbanging, and the Goat was actually in a place of absolute stillness as the cosmos shuddered to the rhythm of its whips. A glimpse of tranquility in the eye of the storm.

Ouiu fell to one knee, huffing and puffing at her reed as the wind whipped at her hair and skirt, and lightning illuminated the sky with pentagrams and cocaine-sculpted bass reliefs of Ozzy Osbourne. Her pupils narrowed to pinpricks of singular focus as she attempted to channel the metal like voltage through a groundwire. Her world constricted into a dark sphere of sensation, and the only thing in existence was her, and her prey, her nemesis, her muse, her teacher, her lover - the Rock Goat, God of Metal.

And then, into this realm of contention-absolute, an MiG-29 fighter jet landed nose first in an eruption of flame. A Templar stepped out - no, a bear. Ivan, the bear cavalry pilot with a cigarette in his muzzle and a chip on his shoulder. And then behind him, through the fracture created by the falling aircraft, Yuri with his head full of ideas and ushankas, and Sasha bearing vodka along with the hopes and dreams of her people.

"We help you, devotchka!" Yuri called over the cacophony of cataclysm, as he and his bear comrades took their place besides Ouiu. With a swig each of the honey vodka, the bears dropped to squat, and began to do the prisyadka.



Soon others enters Ouiu's little conflict, knocking down the stones of the arena as if claiming vengeance for the Bearlin Wall, and fell into low-hopping step with the resistance. And not just bears - soon the wolves arrived with their thyme and mistletoe, and ice caribou with their slightly awkward but sincere appreciation for the art of music.

Against such a force, even the mighty Rock Goat showed pause. Between the bangs of its head, perceptive sorts such as Ouiu noticed frustration in the beast's eyes. How could this be? thought the Goat. That there is a force more metal than I?

The Goat's disbelief was strong... But slowly, irrefutably, the epicentre of the converging shockwaves shifted away from Ouiu and her woodland friends, and across the arena. Back towards the Rock Goat.

The Goat screamed its fury, picking up the pace of its headbangs until it was but a blur of horns and chin hair. But even so its metal was pushed back. Until, with a sudden and eerie silence as all sound in the area was reduced to a state of zero-point energy, the Goat's shockwave wave forced back into its own skull.

There was a moment's stillness following the onset of absolute quiet, in which Ouiu and the Goat teetered opposite each other. Then the Goat staggered back, unsteady on its four legs.

"It's over for you, Rock Goat." Ouiu announced between ragged breaths. She took a step forward, and felt something damp tap against her face, which a quick tactile inspection revealed to be one of her eyeballs, popped out and dangling by wire and sinew. She ignored it.

"You may call yourself a God of Metal." Ouiu said as she stood over the weakened Rock Goat. "But you can't fight the Highland Spirit with a few loud chords and some edgy lyrics! I, Ouiu the Gourmet Hunter, hereby free these people from your tyranny, and claim your meat as my prize."

The Goat snarled, sparks frothing between its teeth, and reared up for a roar of whining electric guitar. Without further preamble Ouiu took hold of one of the beast's horns, wrangling it into her control, and then with a shrill scream of savagery tore the magnificent curling horn away from its head and clubbed it across the face. The Goat fell, its final riff of defiance fading away in its now lifeless throat.

Above the battleground unholy clouds began to part, and at long last the Mountain was free.

The woodland creatures cheered, and Ouiu hefted the large one-horned Rock Goat carcass onto her shoulder.

"Thank you, thank you, it was an honour." Ouiu said, sweet but with some exhaustion. "But now I shall be-"

At that moment, she saw Henry standing in the distance. His harness had been ripped to shreds, and his face was cut and bruised, but in his arms he held a struggling Viktor. Henry drew one finger across the bear's throat.

Ouiu blanched.

"Ah, blyat." Viktor swore. "I tried, but he is too stronk..."

"Wait Henry!" Ouiu begged. "Please, do not hurt my bear comrade!"

Ouiu met the eyes of her woodland friends, all hushed by the sight before them. Yuri bear in particular watched with palpable apprehension as his friend was held hostage.

The huntress may have been naive, but she recognised the a bargain when she saw one, and new the price. Slowly, she deposited the Goat carcass on the ground, and with one telescopic foot carefully nudged it towards the troll.

"Take this. It is yours, as long as you let go of Viktor."

Henry gave the goat carcass a glance, and then with the universal expression of acknowledgement, nodded his head. He threw the bear forward and grabbed his prize, giving a final roar to discourage anyone who might try to take it again. He was already looking forward to the treat which Lady Carmine had promised him.

Spoiler: Note

Show

Collab between me and Crunch

[CrunchGoesMyNut]

(OOC: just a modest portion of the scene that dear JoJo might have missed when editing our words together. It's not so important, but I must confess it is one of my favourite parts of the hunt so I could not resist putting it out there!
It occurs after Ouiu witnesses the battle between caribou and wolves, whenceforth she flees into the woods again to find answers. I hope you fine players enjoy)

---

It took Ouiu all of her quick wits and vastly superior cyborg abilities to navigate the battle unscathed, but she could at least be sure that she had evaded Henry the troll. She found herself now in a region of blasted forest landscape, where the trees were but splintered stumps and the undergrowth frosted over into brittle dirt.

"Truly this land has been ravaged by the war between the ice caribou and the wolf druids!" Ouiu said to herself, hers being the only ears to which she might voice her profound despair. "I would postulate that the wolves, being druids that sympathise with the forest, were not the aggressors in this fight that broke the trees and made the grass as ice beneath the foot... But what do I spy in the distance?"
The cyborg girl focused her enhanced eyes on a glow, barely perceptible between in the lingering haze of battle.

Cautious, but determined, Ouiu approached the blaze. She found it in the centre of a dilapidated igloo village. Each snowy structure had been caved in and trampled into the ground, leaving it deserted. The only souls in sight were a group of four bears, all wearing leather jackets and Adidas tracksuit pants, squatting in the snow around a barrel of burning coals in the middle of the ruins - the source of the mysterious glow Ouiu had seen.

"Ah, devotchka!" said one of the bears, a large black grizzly with an ushanka on its head. "Come squat by our fire with us."

"Okay!" Ouiu responded appreciatively, skipping over to the fire barrel and squatting down to bask in its warmth. "Thank you for the hospitality, o bears. My name is Ouiu, and I'm a cyborg."

"Well met, Ouiu." said ushanka bear. "My name is Yuri, and I am bear. These my bear comrades Ivan, Sasha, and Viktor."
Yuri pointed to each bear in turn; Ivan, a brown bear with a cigarette held in its muzzle; Sasha, a female brown bear wearing a scarf; and Viktor, a massive white polar bear.

"It is my pleasure, fine bears." Ouiu said courteously, for Yuri and his comrades had let her share their fire. "But I am afraid I cannot stay long. I am on a quest to hunt the Rock Goat."

There was a murmur of wonder among the bears.
"Is difficult hunt you choose." said Viktor the polar bear. "Bear comrades and ice caribou and wolf druids all try very hard to kill Rock Goat, for it has evil influence on mountain... No success."

"I met the caribou and the wolves before." said Ouiu. "They were fighting! Why do they fight each other when they should really be fighting the Goat?"

"It is Goat who make them fight." explained Yuri. "Evil influence! Bears try to stay neutral, but then ice caribou destroy our homes, and druid wolves take our honey! Now we live in ruins, with no homes and no business."
"Da, and now we almost run out of honey-distilled bear vodka!" the she-bear called Sasha lamented, cradling a glass flask of golden liquid in her arms.

"That's terrible!" said Ouiu, her heard breaking for these humble bears who had been so kind to her. "We have to do something... You should help me hunt the Rock Goat! Together we might surely triumph over its insidious ways!"

"Nyet..." said Viktor. "Rock Goat is too strong for bears without formidable bear cavalry." Ivan growled in agreement, puffing smoke through its snout.
"Your cavalry?" asked Ouiu. "What happened to it?"
"Cut off by caribou blockade." Yuri explained. "We cannot reach them until war is over."

"Hmmm..." Ouiu rose. "So you will help me kill the Rock Goat if I can make the caribou and wolves stop fighting and allow passage of your cavalry?"
There was a consensus of nodding and 'da's. Ouiu made a >:3

"Then I shall go and stop this war, once and for all!" she announced, turning and skipping back toward the battlefield.

[The JoJo]

‘I knew you could do it!’ Lady Carmine beamed as she saw Henry lugging the carcass of the rock goat out of the forest. He let out a roar of pleasure.

‘Not now,’ she added. ‘First, we have cooking to do.’

~

Once Carmine had returned to the kitchen, she got straight to work, stripping the rock goat of its multitudes of skin. She then hacked the meat of its bones with a sharp cleaver, selecting only the tenderest pieces.

‘Goat can be so tough,’ she noted conversationally to the nearest camera, battering her eyelashes for extra effect. ‘But with the right technique, a perfect dish can be made.’

Carmine took the cuts of meat and laid them out on a rotating plate, which she then placed under the grill. She lovingly sprinkled herbs and spices over the dish, allowing them to marinate in their own juices. Finally she brought out the dish and with a final flourish, presented it to the judges.

‘Ta da!’ she exclaimed. Few if anyone noticed the mirror she slid back into her bag, nor the strange vial of orange dust which she had so artfully concealed behind it.

[CrunchGoesMyNut]

"What, in the name of William Wallace, is all this?"

Ouiu wilted beneath Bartholomew's mien of barely maintained stoicism, fiddling with the drawstring of the sack she had dragged back in from the woods.

"Just wait one second, uncle!" she said defensively. "I may not have brought in the Rock Goat..."

"Aye, I saw the troll walk in with it half an hour ago."

"But it was not he who slew it! I, with the help of the native Russian bears and ice caribou and druid wolves, bested the odious beast in a contest of song. Look at what it did to me in the course of battle!"
Ouiu slapped the back of her head, causing her hastily replaced eyeball to pop back out of its socket.
"Do you see, uncle? Because I cannot!"

"I see it, lass." said Bartholomew. "Taro will fix it while I cook. I can believe that you hunted the Rock Goat, but how did Henry then return with its carcass?"

"He took hostage my good friend Viktor." Ouiu said with great sorrow. "He was a chuvak and good gopnik bear to all. I could not let him die for my cause! It would not have been an honourable way to repay the mountain creatures' loyalty."

"You sacrificed our victory for such ephemeral allies?" Bartholomew asked. Ouiu nodded, her defiance renewed.

"Yes." she said. "It is the highland way."

"I agree." said Bartholomew. "Don't look so surprised Ouiu. You did well, you followed your heart, and you were honest. I could ask no more of you. Now let's get to the kitchen so you can show me what you did get, we'll see what we can do."

Ouiu beamed, and together the team adjourned to to the kitchens.

---

Having made sure that Ouiu was being well tended to by the awkward Taro, Bartholomew stepped up to his cooking bench and upended the sack of ingredients.

"So, what do we have here?" he asked his niece.

"Well," she said. "I was given all of these ingredients by the bears, King Falkner, and Elder Moon Moon after I helped them defeat the Rock Goat and save Viktor. Except for that horn, I tore that from the beast's head and beat him to death with it."
Bartholomew hefted the imposing jag of Rock Goat horn, large even in his massive pugilist fists. It must have been responsible for much of the occupied space within the sack; a fact that Bartholomew privately lamented.

"We may find a use for this." Bartholomew said, setting it aside. "What else?"

"King Falkner of the ice caribou donated some frost lichen and slushrooms. This describes almost the entire diet of an ice caribou so I didn't press them for much else. Elder Moon Moon got in contact with the council's haruspex, who luckily had a spare dead axe hawk on hand for his divination. Apparently he knew we would need it. But, best of all, Sasha gave me the rest of her honey vodka!"
Ouiu pulled the bottle from some hidden cyborg compartment within her uniform, holding it out blindly for Taro to pass to Bartholomew.
"I kept it on me so the horn didn't crack it in the sack!"

"Hmmm..." Bartholomew rumbled, unstoppering the vodka and taking a swig. "Ahh... I know what I must do, Ouiu. Thank you."

With his nimble fiddle fingers, Bartholomew plucked the axe hawk, and then with a mighty punch disembowelled it through the rear. From whence he then pounded the lichen and fungi into a grainy paste - the perfect stuffing for a roast hawk. It was almost too easy, the large man thought, but there was more yet to come.
Bartholomew took from the android sponsor his allotted portion of Pepsi. He was not usually one for soft drink, but Taro drank little else so he was familiar with the element. He took it, the vodka, and the horn up to the judges along with his stuffed roast axe hawk.

"Judges," he began. "Your meal is served. But also," he gripped the horn in his pectorals, then with the Pepsi bottle in one hand and vodka in the other tore of both lids simultaneously with his teeth, and upended their contents into the hollowed indent of the Rock Goat horn. "Some refreshment."

He handed the horn of Pepsi and vodka over the table to M. Nado, then backed away with a nod of his great bonneted head.

[Garjel_blah]

(OOC: here's the second half of my hunt with Rav. We both got a bit pressed for time and the GITP messaging system had a couple of glitches which meant we didn't receive each other's messages occasionally, so it's still not quite finished. However, I'm pretty keen to get on with the cook, so we'll leave it here probably. Sorry for taking so long!)

The trek through the mountains was no walk in the park, and part of Julia envied that Wasabi was making it by her jetpack. "Nevertheless" she assured herself "One cannot take shortcuts to good results." She had endured worse treks in her quests before this one, and while Wasabi could cover more ground in the air, she missed the signs and details to find the quarry effectively. A hoofprint in the scree, some spare droppings, and of course the background noise of metal music in the background.
She winced. As much as she disliked this genre of music, it was the primary way towards identifying the goat. She strained her ear trying to pinpoint the details. The female rock goat typically preferred Death metal, as opposed to the male's more classical heavy metal. However while it was nursing the goat typically switched its preferences to Doom Metal, supposedly because it helped lull the kids to sleep. The difficulty was in trying to properly identify these particular varieties, especially for someone like her that would really prefer some Vivaldi offer all of this screaming.
Fortunately, there was one noise that she did hear wafting through the peaks that even she could identify, much as she would prefer not to.

The unmistakable whine of Nü Metal.

It was hardly ideal, Nü Metal was reserved when the mother was attempting to get the kids to stop nursing and leave her alone, as even the inherent laziness of the teenage rock goat eventually lost out to their disdain for the riffs of Nü metal. Neither the milk nor the kids would be at their ideal state and the kids would be even larger and more dangerous, but as Julia checked the clock she realized it might be their only option. Not only was time short, but if more time went by she risked boring her temporary ally, who might very well take the opportunity to abscond with a more readily available specimen should she happen to spot one. She would attempt to make up for it to her, provided of course the two of them survived this...

As Julia crested the cliff, she made sure that the flare of the Scoville sister's rocket was still visible before beginning her approach. As expected, the mother goat appeared tired, headbanging at less than top efficiency to the Nü Metal riffs, however a glance at the creature's teats assured Julia that the nanny was not yet dried out. Better yet, the kids were not currently present. If they could catch the goat by surprise, they could deal with her before turning their attention to the kids, quick and easy. She drew her skewer-blade and strode out, challenging the beast as it turned its attention to her. Proper posturing was required in engagements with the rock goat, as while the goat was concerned with making a show, it was paying less attention to the hunter's stratagems. The goat head-banged some more, the music intensifying in volume as it switched back to the preferred death metal. Julia matched it by clashing her sword against her shield, ensuring the beast that a battle was commencing.

That was when she heard the dirges.

Julia had but a moment to redirect her defense and ward off the charge of one of the Funeral Doom playing kids. Fortunately the kid was younger than expected, its chords not yet adapted for more intense types of music and thus sticking to the slower depressing tempos of the Funeral Doom dirge. That was when she had realized her error. The mother wasn't playing Nü Metal because her kids were too old, she was playing it because there were too many of them and needed to cut the chaff. Julia found herself facing no less than four young rock goat kids, all bleating her funeral dirge as electricity crackled in their stubby horns.

Julia spared a single glance at the sky hoping that she wouldn't be forced to pay for the error of getting caught between a large brood of rock goats and their very angry mother.


"Fear not, my heavily armoured princess!" Wasabi called out in a mock-masculine tone from a point in the sky a hundred or so metres away. "I'll save you!"

The Scoville hunter somersaulted into a dive, kicking the thrusters on her jet pack into high burn. She rocketed over the conflict, her flamethrower aimed at the ground, laying a stream of fire down between the young goats and the squared off Julie and mother goat. Wasabi then made a hard turn, looping around the four kids to encircle them with a ring of oily fire.

"Got 'em." she told Julie as she passed by for a second run. "I'll keep them off ya back. Have fun!"

[Garjel_blah]

Pepper drummed her fingers on the kitchen bench, surveying her little empire of ingredients like a monarch.

And like so many monarchs before her, she was left wanting.

"The meat is... Sufficient." she admitted, waving a hand at the scorched Rock Goat kid corpse, its face still contorted in a death metal growl. "Once the scorched exterior has been removed I think it will make a very tender asset."

"See usually," said Wasabi, "we of the non-psychopathic persuasion refer to the 'exterior' of our assets as 'skin'."

"This spice honey is a nice addition too." Pepper continued, unfazed. "Might be able to make some kind of glaze out of it, or use it raw as a sauce. Combined with everything else here, I might have suggested a shish-kebab roast, expedited by our resident barbeque man." - "Inferno!" said Spicy-boy - "But, for the life of me, I cannot figure out how to use this!"

Pepper held up the supplied bottle of Pepsi, sneering at it as though it were a carbonated urine sample.

"You've never worked with soft drinks?" asked Gypsum. "I like to use them as shampoo. Precipitates out the limestone impurities."

"Only to replace them with 10g per 100mL of pure sugar." Pepper said sourly. "Using it for shampoo is one thing, but I don't know why anyone would ever drink this. It is basically poison."

"Just because you're on a sado-masochistic diet, doesn't mean the judges have to be." Wasabi chided. Pepper set down the bottle and scowled at her sister.
"That is not what this is about, Bibi. You just never need that much sugar. It's just so unbelievably pedestrian, and I have dignity damn it! I wouldn't expect you to understand..."
"Well you have to use it somehow, or we'll lose the tournament! Can't you just pour it over the meat before you cook it?"
"Just po- Do you have any idea how much what you just said makes me want to throttle you?"
"Well what else could you possibly use it for! Guess you could soak the meat in Pepsi... Broil in Pepsi, maybe? Batter with Pepsi? Smoke with Pepsi?"
"Can you, just... Wait."

Pepper brought together her perfect narrow eyebrows in a frown.

"What was that last one? Smoke with Pepsi?"
"Uh, yeah. That was more of a joke. I mean it fizzes but I'm pretty sure that isn't smoke which comes out of it."
"No..." Pepper looked at Spicy-boy. "Not when we drink it at least, but added to your fire elemental... The caffeine, the heinous amounts of sugar, the pressure of released carbon dioxide...

"We can use it to supercharge Spicy-boy!"

(OOC: more to come! This is going to be a blast)