Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[Gallade]

"I kinda sorta accidentally ate a soul"

[Guizonde]

kami: josé! quit snorting the demon's suffering! it's not cocaine!
novikov: obviously, i snorted all his stash!
korinn: NOVIKOV!
grimm: JOSé!!
free: FREE!!
...
free: what? i was feeling lonely.

[Necroticplague]

Gene: While I appreciate the Glass-inspired cell, you guys know I can hold my breath long enough that's a minor inconvenience, right?
WARDEN: Think less 'Overseer' and more 'SCP 682' in terms of what you can expect if try something funny.
Gene: I like this place already.

[PastorofMuppets]

“Seriously? We really don’t have a better plan than realese a f*ck load of chickens in the poor part of town, let them wander off and listen for when they start dieing?”

[DigoDragon]

"Okay, but I doubt Marilyn Monroe's flavor is gonna freshen breath in full color."

[Rater202]

"...You're not gonna get weird on me, are you?"

"No. Just because you have her soul or souls, that doesn't mean you're Queeny... Though I reserve the right to jokingly call you 'Princess' on occasion."

[Agent-KI7KO]

DM: The Tavern is the only one in town that allows pets in it. It is a converted Barn, or looks very Barn-Like. There are throughs outside for equines perches for birds, and cushions for canids/felines. There’s a separate menu for pet feed as well.

Ellie Mantaray: As the Investigator in the party, I deduce that the place is the new tavern that recently opened named Barns & Nobles.
...is it?

DM: It is now.


—-

DM: Your convoy stops here for the day. It appears to be a fortified rest area. There is an Inn with a Tavern on the bottom floor, along with well maintained and well lit common rooms in the basement. Since you are guests of the Baron’s Auditor, he allows you to stay in the private rooms upstairs. He takes the first floor, and you all take the second.

May O’Nayes: What do they serve here?

DM: For food, it’s the usual, middle-upper class stuff. There is more tea here than anything else. Guards and Soldiers are expected to be sober after all.

May O’Nayes: Whats security like? Is the artifact likely to survive the night here?

DM: The place is secure.

May O’Nayes: I DUB THIS PLACE “ THE SECURE TEAHOUSE “.

DM: Cool, whatever, what do the rest of you wanna do?

5 minutes later someone notices “security house” and I’m being mock strangled IRL.

—

We’re doing an Adrastia & Bluddflagg style partnership with this one:

Inquisitor: Greetings, I am Junior Knight Inquisitor Of the Church of The Red Knight. My name is Truce De’Claired, Cleric of the War Domain.

Group groans IRL, except my friend.

Inquisitor: This is my senior and partner, Paladin Killog of Clan Khorne.

Paladin: Killog flexes, his clan’s signature flex. You could say it’s Killog’s Khorne Flex.

Group facepalms, except my friend and I, high-fiving.

[HalfTangible]

We’re doing an Adrastia & Bluddflagg style partnership with this one:

Inquisitor: Greetings, I am Junior Knight Inquisitor Of the Church of The Red Knight. My name is Truce De’Claired, Cleric of the War Domain.

Group groans IRL, except my friend.

Inquisitor: This is my senior and partner, Paladin Killog of Clan Khorne.

Paladin: Killog flexes, his clan’s signature flex. You could say it’s Killog’s Khorne Flex.

Group facepalms, except my friend and I, high-fiving.

HERETIC!!! *BLAMBLAMBLAM*

Also, milk for the Khorne Flakes

[Rater202]

"And she prepares herself for the shrimp's attack."

[DeTess]

"Okay, new plan to release the colossal dragon from the mind control. We'll just kill her, and then revive her again. It worked for de-cursing the kobold as well, after all."

[CosmicHobbit]

Spoiler: Explanations That People Asked For

Show

I want to know what situation led to this..

Sorry for being 6 days late, but basically my lizardfolk barbarian(who was not smart to start with) got hammered from the aforementioned 1/4 of a barrel of ale. The DM had me roll an intelligence check for the ****s and giggles, and I rolled a 5. So he told me I am now convinced that idiot rhymes with noolf, and I sort of ran with it. I guess good ol' Texas has a conspiracy theorist side!

"I'm going to cut off an angels wings."
"I don't know, that seems dangerous..."
"You can cook with the angel"
"I'm in."

"Alright guys, I sold the entire troll for 100 gold."
"You idiot! That's way too litt-"
"We each get 20."
"Sweet, thanks."

Magical transition to different campaign

"So you're name is Pidg?"
"Yeah, named after a pidgeon."
"...you're a druid?"
"Yeah."
"Can you become a pidgeon?"
"Nope."

"Listen, barmaid, we need a bit of help."
"How so?"
"The two gnomes and the orc...they threatened us an-"
"The ones on the porch?"
"Yeah, them!"
"Oh, they make big talk, but they don't actually do anything."
"So we don't have to sneak out the back?"
"Nope."
"Dang it."

"Coooome on guys! Let'sssss go to the bad siiiiide of town!"
"Why would we go there?"
"They have the same drinks, but they also haaave bar fiiights!"
"Sounds good to me!"

[Agent-KI7KO]

“IF I CANT HAVE THAT HAMPSTER THEN NO ONE CAN!!!, and then I shank the hamster and myself. What do I roll for distraction?”

[Guizonde]

"Coooome on guys! Let'sssss go to the bad siiiiide of town!"
"Why would we go there?"
"They have the same drinks, but they also haaave bar fiiights!"
"Sounds good to me!"

grimm: DAMMIT JOSé!!

... wait, wrong group. still sounds a lot like what my group would do. our team is such a bunch of alcoholics that even though we can all create booze as 0-level spells (instead of create water), we still go to bars and drink the barkeep out of house and home. that, and as you said: barfights.

leon: why do i smell opium?
baraz: that's nick's perfume.
leon: eau de junkie?
baraz: no, opium the perfume.
nick: i have standards! benelli for shotguns, ysl for perfume, and trivago for hotels!

nick: i've got an idea!
baraz: is it dangerous?
nick: leon, aim here please.
leon: *blasts through a metal door*
nick: see baraz, as safe as can be!
baraz: except for the molten plasma and steel everywhere.
leon: don't sweat the small stuff.

prude: i've got an idea! first i'll jet-ski behind nick and-
dm: dude. if you finish the sentence, that makes nick "i'm a hyperbole of keith richards" the rock star the voice of reason in the group. do you really want to stoop that low?
prude: uh, i mean i'll hide behind nick while krueger stabs things in the... uh...
krueger: balls!
*beat*
krueger: i just lost a life in candy crush!
dm: ok, nick is indeed the voice of reason of the group *shudders*

[Avista]

Paladin: *turns to GM* Can I bless the cannon?

[JBPuffin]

So, I may be DMing a monstrous abomination of a post-game Skyrim/DnD mishmash game in 5e...it has some great quotes.

Telvani Wizard: Can I buy soap for my slave?

Tortle Warlock: What else am I going to spend money on?
DM: Cattle.
"Wood Elf" Mystic: Shell accessories.

DM: So Helgen has been rebuilt, it's now New Helgen.
Mystic: I shall return it to its former glory - as rubble.
DM: There are plenty of already destroyed things!
Tortle: See, you think we enjoy destroyed things; actually, we enjoy destroying things.

Tortle: It's not murder, it's manslaughter with style.

Tortle: I could have been a property owner.
Mystic: You have property. You have a shell.
Tortle: Racist! If you must know, I'm renting.
Wizard: Who's your landlord?
Tortle:...My mother.

And many more!

[Lleban]

From a 5e campaign I started running recently.

Player Sorceror: What...the stray dog I let into the tower a week ago may have turned into a demon and stole all our scrolls. Happens to the best of us right?

[braveheart]

So we have chickens, danger chickens, spitting chickens, flying chickens, mega danger chickens.
Also goof doggos, spiky doggos, and giant doggos.Am I missing anything?

[Guizonde]

grimm: wait, what's advanced murder?
korinn: it's when you commit murdercide on some dude.
grimm: i'm so confused.

Spoiler

Show

yes, it was josé's fault.

josé: i can see it now! me and kami, a double teabag, a balor's forehead... free trying to laugh the demons to death, in the distance korinn and grimm laying on facepalms... nothing to bad, right?
kami: yeah, so an average tuesday.

dm: free, please don't eat your character sheet.
korinn: that's why i went digital. eating a tablet is really bad for the stomach.
josé: freaks.
grimm: pot? meet kettle.

free: *ooc bangs his elbow* OW! my funny bone!
kami: wait, you have one of those? you never proved it!

dm: no weaponizing your bag of endless potatoes, josé!
grimm: more than he already has, you mean?

[Recherché]

"So starting with the pumpkin we start stabbing every vegetable we see."

"Why don't we put the goblin on a leash?"

[DigoDragon]

Doc: "So, on a scale of Mario Circuit to Fury Road, how badly are we gonna die racing down this hill?"

[DeTess]

Doc: "So, on a scale of Mario Circuit to Fury Road, how badly are we gonna die racing down this hill?"

"Rainbow Road Wii version. Without the dudes putting you back on the track."

[DigoDragon]

"Rainbow Road Wii version. Without the dudes putting you back on the track."

What I remember in particular of that track is that you look like you're burning up on reentry when you fall off the track. Yikes.

[Agent-KI7KO]

"To fill you in, everyone has +4 temporary HP except Mr. Filth, because i can do it to 6 people at a time and i need to talk to your cat for 10 minutes for him to get that extra HP."

[HalfTangible]

"To fill you in, everyone has +4 temporary HP except Mr. Filth, because i can do it to 6 people at a time and i need to talk to your cat for 10 minutes for him to get that extra HP."

Ah, Inspiring Leadership.

I'm still trying to get a character with that feat into a game.

[SleepyShadow]

"I roll to inspect the Bop-It."

[DigoDragon]

Choro: “Bulls Strength Gives You Wings... exept Doc, 'cause GM said no.”
Doc: “Aww…”

GM: “She disagreed with its existence entirely.”

Doc: “The genius behind a minotaur politician is who else would you trust to navigate the maze of bureaucracy?”

Viridia: (*sniffles*) “I suppose I should let him. Giant murderbots grow up so fast.”

Choro: “It's good to still be here, in whatever form.”
Doc: “Hopefully as a stable solid.”

Viridia: “Five Viridia Rupees to whoever will carry Viridia until her Pretty Awesome refreshes.”
GM: “I think River would do that for free.”

[Guizonde]

korinn: i can finally craft wondrous items and other goodies!
josé: i can craft enchanted items by beating the fourth wall like it owes me money.
korinn: well, i can do it using the actual rulebook!
dm: so do i, josé's items are legit, unlike his methods.
grimm: goes for the rest of the stuff he requisitions as well.
josé: never in my years of roleplaying did i actually think one day i'd fleece the fourth wall, though. you learn something new everyday!

korinn: kami, you suck.
kami: and you suck the fun out of everything.
korinn: no more rerolling nat 1's for you.
kami: have you ever done it?

[DeTess]

slightly paraphrasing here, as I wasn't making notes during the game.

DM: A platoon of Half-dragons is approaching from the direction of the city, surrounding a familiar figure.
Monk: Are they armed?
DM: They carry shields, and buckets of popcorn.
Paladin: Why do the bad ones always have to have such style?

*ever so slightly later*

DM: One of the half-dragons brings the elf a glass of wine.
Monk: I clap my hands. Four of our Kobold minions bring us each a glass of Champagne.
DM:0.o
Monk: What, you thought this final boss fight would be a contest of arms? No, it'll be a contest of style.

[Malphegor]

Various ones

Drow druid: "Ah. It's my sister's fault."

Wizard: "and that will trigger this, and that will trigger that, and that...until I have an army of evil monkeys. Any questions?"

Barbarian: "Can I kill him?"

A Good Cleric : "I have armour covered in dark spikes so I can hug people to death."

Barbarian: "Can I kill it?"

[NRSASD]

First off, if you're asking relationship advice, never ask it from someone who has had 40 girlfriends.