Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[IZ42]

Victor: "Things become much less scary when you're a magic filled skeleton"

Vahars: "I teleport into the bush"
DM: "You teleport into the bush?"
Vahars: "Yes"
DM: "You teleport into the bush and see two lizardfolk"
Luna (OOC): "That's a big bush!"
Vahars: *waves* "Boo"
Lizardfolk: "GAH"

Junko: "I chuck the bullfrog at the ettercap"

Spoiler: Contextual information

Show

We're playing a relatively campy monsters campaign. I am Vahars, a freelance bogeyman, from an illustrious family tree of bogeymen and haunts (his uncle was the Babadook. Yes, that one.), and Pathfinder Psionics Dread. I do face stuff and am incredibly good at being useful and terrible at the same time. Helps Luna test potential applicants for lycanthropy, insuring they're of the right temperament.

Victor is a formerly powerful evil wizard turned lich, who was interrupted by some goody-two-shoes adventurers and had his ritual botched, weakening him. He was afterwards forced to perform good deeds or suffer excruciating pain at the hands of his handler POS (just POS. That's her name. She's a robot.).

Luna is a hipster lesbian yoga teacher/coffee shop owner werewolf. She turns suitably tempered, but terminally ill, individuals who attend her classes into werewolves to help cure their disease, and is part of the large support group community in Sigil. She tries to take care of Junko, to little success, and Vahars lives in one of the closets oh her coffee shop (called the Hunting Grounds) and apartment.

Junko is a street-punk Oni Barbarian who will fight literally everyone and everything. She takes joy in tormenting Victor, and thinks drinking straight black coffee makes you tough. She tried to outdrink Vahars, who only drinks black coffee, and she lost. Not pictured in these quotes are Sora, a phoenix who's class I can't exactly remember right now that made Junko's baseball bat and has a mortal phobia of water, and Marvin, an X-COM style gray alien who ended up with the party and has been to many places in the multiverse.

[JBPuffin]

Player 1: You've found the organ room.
Player 2: That's a really big organ.
Player 3: That's what she said!
Entire table: EYYYYYYYYY!

EYYYYYYYYY! Sorry, I heard the call of my people. Duty calls. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be lurking until my next session...*whistles*

[DigoDragon]

GM: “Hey, don't give up on Brazen just yet! I know he's young and stupid, but he's also the pretty face.”
Brazen: “Indeed but you never know what may happen!”
Rose: “Like an egg-salad sandwich? Cause a sudden egg-salad sandwich would really improve this situation.”

Brazen: “Meanwhile in Brazen's dreams; Shotguns, epic explosions, and mares. Probably. Order debatable.”
Sniper: “Brazen's dream is a Michael Bay film?”
Rose: “I bet Rose dreams of having her original meat legs, going to fancy ballroom parties for the best food ever, and dancing with masked stallions.”
Love: “Is it bad the first thing I thought is, ‘isn't that a nightmare?’”
GM: “So just to be clear, Brazen dreams of mares and Rose dreams of stallions. Hmm. Don't mind me. I'm just taking notes.”

GM: “So what does Sniper dream of?”
Brazen: “Sniper rifles that shoot pink fluffy unicorns at people?”
Love: “Oh, gosh. I'm not sure I want to try to imagine what Scope dreams about. His waking reality is already scary enough.”
Rose: “Pink fluffy unicorns, shooting from rifles
Pink fluffy unicorns, shooting from rifles
Pink fluffy unicorns, shooting from rifles

Let's review what we've learned so far!
What color are the unicorns?
Pink!

What are the unicorns being fired from at high velocity?
Rifles!

Please use one word to describe the damage code unicorns deal on impact.
...
...
...Smiles! YAAAY!!

Pink fluffy unicorns, shooting from rifles
Pink fluffy unicorns, shooting from rifles
Pink fluffy unicorns, shooting from rifles
Pink fluffy unicorns, shooting from shooting from shooting from rifles!”

[Joe the Rat]

Convention Season

"I'm going to hide my weasel in her shop"

"Get your weasel away from my monkey!"
"Tell your monkey to let go of my weasel!"

"Which direction did the blasting sound come from?"
"The direction of the hole in the wall?"

...
"So what do we do with the General?"
"Roll him up in the rug and carry him out?"
"And the guards?"
"Our punishment is to clean the rug"

"You get a fear burst! You get a fear burst! Fear for everyone! heh heh heh heeehhhhhh."

...
"So, Moonshine or Meth? I know I'm rockin' the Walter White, but I'm kind of in the mood for bootlegging."

"I'm going to go visit Great Aunt Tillie"
"Great Aunt Millie. Aunt Tillie died a few years back in an unfortunate rhubarb accident."

...
The librarian looks over the scene, books scattered, unconscious patron on the floor. <Puts finger to his lips in a Shhhh! motion>
"Alright! We got what we need. Yehaw! <fires pistol>"
"Did you just?!"
The librarian points at the cowboy, and makes an X with his arms.
"You just got banned from the library!"

"I'm going to invoke the "Holy crap that's a viking!" trait now."

...
"Why is there a porn director in Antarctica?"

...
"Did we just solve that dungeon without killing anything? I feel so empty."

[Guizonde]

...
"Why is there a porn director in Antarctica?"

it's quotes like these why i love this thread.

[Gallade]

Cleric: "It's a symbol of Asmodeus!"
Hunter: "Who's Asmodeus?"
Cleric: "Imagine, if you will, the strongest and most terrifying demonic power you can."
(Everyone turns to the Tiefling Cavalier)
Cleric: "Except for him."
(Everyone turns to his horse instead)
Cleric: "...and her."

DM:"You find the kidnapped child!"
Cavalier: "I'll take him up on my horse's saddle."
DM: "Okay, add him to your inventory."
Cavalier: "DA NA NA NAAAAA!"

DM: "Yet another room where the coffins have burst open letting the undead within pour out."
Ninja: "Would it have killed them to put in just a COUPLE MORE DANGED NAILS?"

[bulbaquil]

GM: "It is a VERY big lizard."
Bard: "Is it the D-word?"
Warlock: "I thought we were establishing that it was NOT the D-word."
GM: "No, it's not the D-word."
Wizard: "But given that this is D&D, we probably will be encountering a D-word at some point."
...
Rogue: "I am going to try to befriend that lizard."

Cleric: "I'm stepping over the bridge, and it seems..."
GM: "You have never felt a sturdier bridge in your life."

GM: "Aren't you guys going to go swimming in the nice water?"
Bard: "No! I didn't bring my bathing suit."

[Inevitability]

GM: "It is a VERY big lizard."
Bard: "Is it the D-word?"
Warlock: "I thought we were establishing that it was NOT the D-word."
GM: "No, it's not the D-word."
Wizard: "But given that this is D&D, we probably will be encountering a D-word at some point."
...
Rogue: "I am going to try to befriend that lizard."

Am I the only one who thought 'dinosaur?' for a moment?

[ionoftheshadows]

rl game (gurps gundam game)

my friend: i shoot my emp missiles at that *points to ally ship without realizing it*
dm: ok
my friend: *crits and destroys the ship*
me: ****

[DigoDragon]

(Everyone turns to his horse instead)
Cleric: "...and her."

See, why can't I have a horse like that in the D&D game I'm in?!


Love: “I've got nothing. Good luck Rose!”
Rose: *fails a diplomacy check*
Rose: “Yeah, about that...”

Love: “Oh no! Love is losing it. Her mind has escaped her brain. We're going to party so hard.”

GM: “So what, then, is Chaos blended with to get Harmony and what does it look like when it is out of control and not a part of that harmony?”
Sniper: “Baking powder?”

Sniper: “Electrolaser Rifle (Stolen).”
Rose: “Oh, that explains the 'Donut Steel' written on the stock.”

Chrysalis: (imitating GLaDOS) “Says here in Rose's file that her cybernetic legs are made of alloys 18% lighter than her old legs, yet her weight went up by 20 pounds. Congratulations, you're the only quadruple amputee on record to have gained weight post-surgery.”

GM: “Oh come on. I'm not going to kill you off based solely upon a single roll! This isn't Tomb of Horrors.”

Rose: “Is it a will save versus the irresistibility of building a box fort with Rose? No? Eh, was worth a shot.”
Brazen: “Just what have ya'll gotten us into?”
Sniper: “We're presently building a box fort. Up next is cage match pillow fighting.”
GM: “Well, you're not ENTIRELY wrong.”

Brazen: “Welp we're dead, GM's sending Pinkie Pie after us.”
Pinkie Pie: “Shh! Quiet or you'll ruin the surprise party.”

GM: “Whether he wants it or not, Sniper finds a cupcake shoved in his face.”
Sniper: “Cupcakes, sugar, rambling, vampires—Get it off, get it off, get it off!”

[Diachronos]

"Why do you keep buying all these spells if you never use them?"
"I'll use them eventually, I just haven't needed to yet!"
"When are you going need a summon chicken spell?!"

[Gallade]

DM: "You hear a soft, seductive voice in the night..."
Root: "Do I still have control over myself?"
DM: "Yeah..."
Root: "Drinking Protection from Evil, whipping out my loaded revolvers, get Groot to ready a grenade, and the second I see anything threatening I shoot in the air to wake up the others."
DM: "Paranoid much?"
Root: "I'm NOT getting seduced and sucked dry twice in the same day!"

[Inevitability]

DM: "You hear a soft, seductive voice in the night..."
Root: "Do I still have control over myself?"
DM: "Yeah..."
Root: "Drinking Protection from Evil, whipping out my loaded revolvers, get Groot to ready a grenade, and the second I see anything threatening I shoot in the air to wake up the others."
DM: "Paranoid much?"
Root: "I'm NOT getting seduced and sucked dry twice in the same day!"

That last sentence is just begging to be interpreted wrong.

[DeTess]

That last sentence is just begging to be interpreted wrong.

There's a non-wrong way to interpret that one?

GM: A Samurai appears in the doorway behind you. His hand is on the hilt of his sword and small flames play around his armored feat.
Me: okay. I ditch the peasant outfit smoke-bomb and hide. I also try to get an estimate of how good he is.
*dice get rolled*
GM: He isn't fooled for a second by your ninja-vanish trick. He's advancing on you slowly now, blade drawn. Also, your estimate of his abilities is that he's far better than you are.
Me: ... Time to get a former President of the United States to come save my but.

[bulbaquil]

Investigator: "Move me as thirty feet as possible."

GM: "Okay, who's on which watch?"
Wizard: "I'm on first watch."
Ranger: "I'm on two watches because I have the ring."
Investigator: "I want two watches because they'd look good on my wrist."

[Magikeeper]

Ozodrin: I.. uh.. drawing from my fine diplomatic instincts.. uh.. fake a heart attack and crumple to the ground. *Rolls*

...

DM: I was not expecting that to work.

[Mutazoia]

Cleric: Why are Slaad's always naked...I do NOT want to see humanoid toad junk.
Barbarian: Can you imagine some poor tailor trying to make clothing for them?
Bard: Wouldn't that be Slaad dressing?
All: *groan*
Player 3: You could make them chaps and a cowboy hat and have Ranch Slaad Dressing....or a beret and it could be Italian...
Barbarian: I kill the Bard.

[Inevitability]

There's a non-wrong way to interpret that one?

Vampires suck blood and can enchant people, so maybe?

[JBPuffin]

Cleric: Why are Slaad's always naked...I do NOT want to see humanoid toad junk.
Barbarian: Can you imagine some poor tailor trying to make clothing for them?
Bard: Wouldn't that be Slaad dressing?
All: *groan*
Player 3: You could make them chaps and a cowboy hat and have Ranch Slaad Dressing....or a beret and it could be Italian...
Barbarian: I kill the Bard.

I think this one wins. Someone get this man/woman/extraplanar divinity a Golden Slaad!

[Lord Torath]

Cleric: Why are Slaad's always naked...I do NOT want to see humanoid toad junk.
Barbarian: Can you imagine some poor tailor trying to make clothing for them?
Bard: Wouldn't that be Slaad dressing?
All: *groan*
Player 3: You could make them chaps and a cowboy hat and have Ranch Slaad Dressing....or a beret and it could be Italian...
Barbarian: I kill the Bard.

I think this one wins. Someone get this man/woman/extraplanar divinity a Golden Slaad!

Almost. Berets are French, not Italian. Dress it up as a Cossack for Russian Slaad Dressing. A Moana costume would give you Thousand Island Slaad Dressing.

[Gallade]

Root: "Your mere baubles will not charm me. A mage will never understand the potential of mechanics and alchemy!"
Mage: "I can enchant your guns."
Root: "Marry me."

Geralt: "Wait, these guys are basically magic CSI. They comb the crime scene with divination magic, try Speak with Dead with the victim and know basically EVERYTHING about him...then you come here and solve the case just by finding a teeny spot on his neck"
Root: "I'm the 'Wait, Zoom In and Enhance' of magic murder cases."

Lucian: "Hey Root, what's new?"
Root: "Nothing much. Just the most important person in town got brutally murdered."
Lucian: "WHAT?"
Root: "By a necromancer who openly mocks us by walking around in broad daylight, and is powerful enough to kill an archmage in a single hit."
Lucian: "Like I said a couple seconds ago, WHAT?"

Root: "Oh, of course, Lucian. Just because we are the only two half-orcs you have met so far you have to assume we are married or related."
Geralt: "I thought both."

"Of course we're going to destroy this book. It's a BAD book. NICE books don't suck fluids from some weird gem to lure you into an undead's trap and then try to use your soul as ink for their pages."

"The Archmage was Death Fingered from behind and his head exploded. Our enemy is Kenshiro, we're -bleep-ed."

[Dr_Dinosaur]

"So the elves are halflings!"

"I ask [the dragon] if he's picking up any wifi."

"Wait, the smuggler prince is married? When? Why wasn't that in the tabloids? How long have we been here?!"

"I say, in Draconic, "building, smash that mother****ing enemy fight!"
"The roof shears off and falls over, to heavy to fly that far"

"We just leveled up, so my scarf is better at fighting than me now."

[Guizonde]

josé: goat! i choose you!
*disappointing lack of anything*
josé: *clears throat* grim?
grim: *much better handle animal check* goat, charge, please.
*goat charges and explodes*
josé: goat used self-destruct! it's super effective! goat fainted!
team: *0.o*
monk: what the hell did you feed that thing josé?!
josé: 5 lbs of gunpowder with a greek fire chaser. oh, bad news, we're out of gunpowder, and i'm terrible at pokemon references.
dm: *shaking his head* josé's law: if it's funny and devastatingly potent, guizonde will find a way to make it happen. especially if it shouldn't.
korinn: so... guizonde's got a tinker gnome's sense of humor?
guizonde: the fourth wall has filed a restraining order against me.

[DigoDragon]

Rose: “Well now Rose has a new goal in life. Cybernetic rocket legs for epic pillow bucking.”
GM: “It does sound dirtier out of context.”

Rose: “So! Um. How do we break off the mind control? Knock her unconscious? Appeal to her inner self?”
Sniper: “Channel Donald O'Connor?”

Rose: “Knocking out your medic is not recommended by 10 out 10 doctors!”
Sniper: “I'd like to see the clinical studies on that.”
Rose: "I'd like to avoid the clinical studies on that."

Sniper: “I'm tempted to go for a running theme where Sniper Scope shoots each member of the Elements of Harmony in the face.”

Brazen: “Still, bonus points for cupcaking Sniper, he isn't easy to sneak up on. Hoof bump?” (*holds up a leg towards Pinkie*)
Pinkie: “I love giving out cupcakes! Hoof-bump!” (*bumps hooves*)
Brazen: *activates his zap glove*
GM: “Instantly, electricity courses through [Pinkie’s] body and lights her up like an X-Ray. Her skeleton is showing! How embarrassing! Aaaand Rose is pretty sure that doesn't normally happen when somepony gets shocked.”
Rose: “I... can't medically explain that.”

Chrysalis: “And here you are. Rose Croix, the poor, unfortunate cripple who really shouldn't have been on that airship in the first place. And Brazen Hoof, well, you're not so bad, I must admit. Very fine looking chin.”
Rose: “You leave Brazen’s chin out of this! I'll show you cripple. Come down here so I can use my right hoof for your rectal exam!”

Guard Commander: “Oh shove off, you old has-been! Don't tell me how to do my job.”
Crow Lock: “I would not have to, were your incompetence not a match for you in size and girth.”

[Gallade]

"So the elves are halflings!"

"I ask [the dragon] if he's picking up any wifi."

"Wait, the smuggler prince is married? When? Why wasn't that in the tabloids? How long have we been here?!"

"I say, in Draconic, "building, smash that mother****ing enemy fight!"
"The roof shears off and falls over, to heavy to fly that far"

"We just leveled up, so my scarf is better at fighting than me now."

Using animated objects is where the real fun starts, every time. And I curse the DM every time we emerge from a fight with still not enough experience to get me to level 6 and get Promethean Disciple...I want my flying castle mech, damn it.


"To permanently destroy a Jiang-Shi, first you have to stab him with a branch from a peach tree. Then you must torch him and mix the ashes with rice which has been boiled in holy water."
"And then what, add mushrooms, butter and parsley?"
"Mmm, chinese vampire risotto."

[Joe the Rat]

"Mmm, chinese vampire risotto."

I find when you have people over, you can't cook it fast enough. It just hops right off the table.

[DigoDragon]

I find when you have people over, you can't cook it fast enough. It just hops right off the table.

My question is are you still hungry in an hour, or are you satisfied till morning?

[JBPuffin]

No, no, no. Why mix our Asiatic and European ingredients? You've got to try Jiang-Sushi; it's to die for.

[Beacon of Chaos]

New campaign has started, now with 100% fewer giant robots! :(

GM: Zack Adani is here.
Fiona: ****ing Dynamo!
Sinclair: I miss Fiona. It's almost like I can hear her voice on the wind.

Lucis: I remember them! Space a-holes! By which I mean people who are a-holes, not literal ah-oles floating in space. That would be weird.

Lucis: You stole my joke! Luckily I have another...
Sinclair: Always worth keeping a backup joke.

Lucis: Never skip psychic leg day.

Katari: *singing* Nooooooo oooooooone fights like Katari! Impales guys like Katari! No one rescues cute girls from big thugs like Katari!

Sinclair: Interesting that every single campaign we do has someone get caught cheating in a casino.

GM: You gain control of the cameras and are able to see everyone... but you can't find a way to communicate with them.
Sinclair: Voyeurism time!

Fauna: Are you just going to throw us under a space bus?
Katari: A spus!

Katari: *crushes a tankard with his bare hands*
Sinclair: My cousin could do that. He was an industrial squeezing machine.

Sinclair: I've just realised that a space ork... is a spork.

Lucis: I'm going to go find a Spaceball Bat!

Ketari: My safety word is Justin Bieber.

[Guizonde]

Sinclair: I've just realised that a space ork... is a spork.

*realization kicks in*

...
....
.....

0.o dude.