Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[Gallade]

"Of course I use silk rope. It doesn't chafe the skin and feels much better. Great for tent funtime too."
"Ew. I thought when you two went in the tent you just...made out, fell asleep and looked adorable."
"You know nothing of what goes on inside the tent."

(Zeyra disappears in a small localized singularity)
"Well, uh...wherever she is, I'm sure now she's in a better place."
(The singularity spits out all her belongings)
"Also, naked."

[bulbaquil]

Sphinx: HALT! Who dares trespass on my land?
Bard: Giacomo, Freta, Bjorn and Sir Humphrey. You have two questions left.
Sphinx: ... Uh.... what walks on four legs-
Bard: Man.
Sphinx: You've heard this before?
Bard: Yes. That's three, we win.
Sphinx: WAIT! You must now ask ME three questions-
Bard: Given our current equipment and capabilities, what is the quickest and easiest way for us to kill you?
Sphinx:...........................................No idea. You win...BYE! [Flies off]
Bard: Sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself....

That is how you bard your way past an encounter.

[NRSASD]

DM: Let me get this straight. You're a hermit rock gnome bard who plays the theremin, ie you were thrown out of your village for inventing the world's first rock rock theremin?
Player 1: *sniffle* My people had no understanding of true art!

[Gallade]

"Due to recent mishaps, It is now forbidden to cook pizza in the Master's Forge. Artisans requesting access will be checked for pizza dough before being allowed in."

"No way whoever wrote this did It with a straight face."

[Guizonde]

DM: Let me get this straight. You're a hermit rock gnome bard who plays the theremin, ie you were thrown out of your village for inventing the world's first rock rock theremin?
Player 1: *sniffle* My people had no understanding of true art!

i dunno, sounds like a garden variety gnome to me. minus the explosives. then again, i could probably figure out how to blow up a theremin, so a gnome's already got 17 or so different ways of pulling it off.

[Gallade]

Yamra: "Trund, it hurts. It hurts so much! I swear I won't try to disarm a trap again!"
Trund(Frantically healing): "No! You can keep doing that, stay stupid! I love the stupid you!"

[Recherché]

"Are we really stopping D&D to discuss the classification of sandwiches?"


". . . So are you suggesting we start murdering people for the crime of seeing your face?"

[DigoDragon]

Sniper: “Oh dear garbanzo beans. Please don't let us run into Rarity while CN's dressed like a Silver Age reject.”

Rose: “She pondered working in a rhyme, but honestly she just didn't have the time. Instead she opens her crash bag wide and pulls out her stethoscope to have a listen inside.”

GM: “And you don't know how many more tests she has. But it would seem that she is running out of things to test.”
Rose: “Aww snap, I know how this game plays out. There's gonna be cake at the end of testing, isn't there?”

Rose: “I'm trying to picture Sniper at a filly's birthday party. That has to be seen at some point.”
Sniper: “It's cute how you think Foal Protective Services is going to allow somepony with Sniper's psyche eval anywhere near Coffin Nail.”
Rose: “Well now Rose is gonna have to get Love to hack the FPS and ensure they only see a happy, pleasant eval so that Sniper can visit CN on her next birthday.”
GM: “I love how the answer to every problem is not ‘call in favors with the six heroes of Equestria, who we just saved’, but rather 'have Love break the law and hack for us'.”

Rose: “Akilah better appreciate the sacrifices Rose is making for him right now. It could be a whole 20 minutes before she eats!”

GM: “Whoo boy. Just wait until you see what is waiting in the Maneframe!”
Sniper: “A Changeling in an ugly Christmas sweater?” (*sets expectations*)

Star: “Only my life story. The part with the two-legged space pirates was a real thriller. Best part, hooves down. Everything else is just kinda 'meh' in comparison.”

Rose: “Of course detractors would. Flying and sailing are much alike, except when something goes wrong. Flying is a lot less forgiving.”

Brazen: “Just remember to not play chicken with the ground, it cheats.”

Pinkie: “Silly me! I Almost forgot. I have something for you all.” (*gives Sniper a box of muffins*)
Pinkie: “Ta-da! Now don't eat them now. You'll know when you need them.”
Sniper: “...Thanks? We'll put them to good, uh, use?”

Love: “Sober Star is back and Pinkie has a phone call. From Fluttershy. No one thinks that's suspicious?”
Sniper: “Don't worry. The paranoid loon hasn't posted yet.”
Rose: “I want to know what carrier service she has.”

Love: “Spider to the rescue!”
Sniper: “Spider Scope, Spider Scope. Does whatever a Spider does.
Does he swing, from a web
No he doesn't. He's a pegasus.
Spider Scope.”

[Beacon of Chaos]

GM: Make a woll. A wole? I mean-
Fauna: Would you wike a wowwy pop?

Sinclair: I activate stealth mode! Basically I just turn on a white noise generator.
Katari: Is that whale song?
Sinclair: Oops! Wrong tape.

Katari: I smash through the skylight!
Lucis: It was open! Stop breaking my windows!

Fauna: This is less like a military base and more like college dorm chic.
GM: Exactly.
Lucis: Everything here was stolen from our old college dorm, so yeah.
Sinclair: Including the vending machine in the corner?
Lucis: And the ping pong table.

Lucis: We have a good group here. The scientist, the robot, the witch, and the guy who breaks things.
Sinclair: Thanks for refering to me just by my race rather than what I can do.
Lucis: ...You do robot things.

GM: Her name is Nina.
Sinclair: Wait, Nina? Our old boss?
GM: No, this is a different one.
*later*
GM: You see Kirt.
Sinclair: The kid who charged the turret?
GM: Ah, no. This is a different Kirt.
Sinclair: You humans and your doubled names! How am I supposed to tell you apart without serial numbers!?

Sinclair: One of the main advantaged of having my brain tinkered with is that I no longer feel compelled to save human life if it's stupid.

Katari: I'm very level-headed!
Lucis: You have horns! That's not a level head!

Katari: Oh great, I have to look after the kid.
Kurt: I'm not a kid! I'm... 18.
Sinclair: Are you sure?

[JAL_1138]

DM: Unicorns are like angels to regular horses. In that seeing them directly invokes abject terror and may cause the horse to burst into flames.

[ZamielVanWeber]

Patel: "Why did you shoot the ceiling!"
Keanu: "In case he jumps away from my awesome moves."
Patel: "Do you even know how guns work?"
Keanu: "Clearly. I pull the trigger and hit them with my fist."

Also, after defeating 2 leopard SEALs
Keanu: Patel, the gate has been unSEALed!

[DigoDragon]

DM: Unicorns are like angels to regular horses. In that seeing them directly invokes abject terror and may cause the horse to burst into flames.

This HAPPENED.


Rose: “The question though—was Sniper referring to Flutterbat or Rose?”
Love: “Oh, gosh. I didn't even think of that.”
Sniper: “Wouldn't you like to know to whom he was referring.”
Love: “Yes!”

Flutterbat: “There's so much fun to be had here. And so. Many. Apples. Apples... Oh, I could eat them all day long.”
Love: “Do you know who I am? Name's Love. I'm not an apple.”

Pinkie: “Well, since Fluttershy is now Flutterbat, congrats Rose, you're the new Fluttershy. Don't google yourself online.”

Rose: “Getting intimate with Pinkie has to be a weird experience. I mean, this is the mare that sneezes confetti. Trying to snuggle with her is probably like having a home invasion by the circus.”

Brazen: “Sniper BSODing during sexy-times? I sense disappointed mares.”
Sniper: “That implies that Sniper's trying to get to third base when, thus far, he's refusing to even leave the dugout.”
Love: “With friends like these, who needs shippers?”

Sniper: “So it's Rose's turn to stick and pin someone?”
Rose: “I refuse to answer on grounds of self-incrimination.”

Rose: (Dukes of Hazard tune)
“Just the mean ol' queen
Never changing her ways
Love she never won
Been in trouble with the sun
Since the day she was born

Changing her face
The only way she knows how
That's just a little bit more
Than Celestia allows.”

[Scarfking]

(Out of Character)

Player: I think i could seduce a door.
~
Player: A crit seduction is supposed to work by itself. Unless the opponent can somehow counter with critical abstinence.
~
Player: Saving the day! *rolls a 6* Shoot...

And a little story, about how a barbarian and paladin became immortal on the first adventure.

DM: Before you is an avatar of death. You are all in seats and bound in them. He sits on the opposite side of the table. *Dm proceeds to explain the avatar of death wants us to assassinate someone. When someone objects, death makes a threat to him. This person just so happens to be a good friend of the Barbarian IC.*
Barbarian (OOC): I roll to intimidate death. I also Rage to make it more dramatic.
DM: You- *laughs* Alright, roll.
Cleric (OOC): Let me help out! I'll cast Guidance. *Succeeds on breaking the bonds, rolls a 4*
Bard (OOC): Screw it, Bardic Inspiration! *Breaks out of the bonds and rolls 5*
Barbarian: *Crit success*
DM: *Crit fail*
DM: ............The avatar of death is now sobbing on the floor.
Paladin: I approach and insult him, saying something about how pitiful he is.
DM: He picks himself back up and insults you back. Roll a will save. *DM rolls for intimidation*
Paladin: *Crit save*
DM: *Crit fail* (DM house-ruled on a previous campaign that if you crit on a will save vs intimidation, you turn the intimidation around.) Alright, roll again.
Paladin: *Crits once more*
DM: .................
Everyone else: *Laughs hysterically*
DM: The avatar of death leaves, embarrased. You've both scared it so hard that it won't come for you when your time comes. Congrats, you're immortal.

[Beacon of Chaos]

And a little story, about how a barbarian and paladin became immortal on the first adventure.

Genuinely amazing

[DigoDragon]

GM: "You can never have too many clerics going into a tomb."
Issadora: "So we're about to walk into cleric present danger?"

Issadora: "Gotta love the stats on dark elf ladies. They're so well-endrowed."

GM: "You find four red potions and a roll of gauze."
Thurg: "Why? Just be-gauze."
Issadora: "We're on a mission from gauze."
Jasmine: "Geez, wrap it up, you two."

Thurg: "If a zombie apocalypse hits us, just line treadmills around your house."

GM: "It's a night bow."
Jasmine: "A knight bow?"
Issadora: "No, night. Night bow."
Jennifer: "Night night?"
Thurg: "Who's there?"
GM: "Focus!"
Party: "Focus who?"

GM: "The doctor isn't good in melee, but at least he can use the bone saw for something other than cutting people. ...wait."

[Avonar]

Barbarian: "I want to intimidate the mountain crocs into getting out of our way."

Natural 20

DM: "The mountain crocs are so scared of you that they form a reptilian staircase just to help you leave."

[NRSASD]

New Player: I'm surprised at the lack of deaths in this game! (actual, verbatim quote)

What the veteran players hear
*rumbling thunder* "Run away! RUN AWAAAY!!!!"

What the DM hears
New Player: Hello, my name is *new player* and I am tired of life.

[PhoenixPhyre]

New Player: I'm surprised at the lack of deaths in this game! (actual, verbatim quote)

What the veteran players hear
*rumbling thunder* "Run away! RUN AWAAAY!!!!"

What the DM hears
New Player: Hello, my name is *new player* and I am tired of life.

Session 2 (first combat session):

Player: I rub out the salt barrier with my toe.
DM: The purple barrier explodes into a shower of purple light. You'll take some damage. *gets out 2d6*
Player: I'll only die outright if the you roll max damage.
*Dice: 12
*DM offers a %tile roll to see if a party member could have pulled them back in time. 75% chance of success due to a prepared plan.
DM: High or low?
Player: Low.
*Dice: 85
*Character is evaporated.
Player: It's a fair death. I'm fine with that.
Me (onlooker): Sometimes the dice have a sense for the dramatic that surpasses ours.

Ironic context: That player's character has died in the first combat session two campaigns running to dramatic die rolls (first time was a pair of natural 1s on death saves).

[NRSASD]

After 2 party deaths in one mission:

DM: Ok, time out for a second. *New Player*, the one thing you should never, ever, do, is complain to the DM about the lack of deaths in the party. Do you now know why?

New Player: ... yes.

Veteran Player: Singing You don't know what you've got, til it's gone. stops singing Like your life

[weet555]

Sith apprentice: I will do this mission with the skill I have done those before.

Apprentice's master:No, you will do it better!

[NRSASD]

Player: I fail to sneeze

Gnome: I conceal the hunting trap on my person.
DM: The guards search you by shaking you upside down. Dex save
Gnome: rolls not enough
DM: The hunting trap goes off. Take 3 points of piercing damage retrieving your spleen

[Gallade]

DM:"You see the staircase that leads to the halls of the Dwarven King"
Cù:"Let's climb then."
DM:"It's about five thousands steps."
Others:"Oh no."
Cù:"Oh yes."

DM:"Midway through, you're approached by a dwarven aristocrat. Cù, since you're the only one not currently having a stroke from fatigue, you're the only one who can talk with him"

Cù:"Next time, we bring Slinkys"


(And that's where having 20 Constitution gets you)

[Guizonde]

korinn: right, so, i take it josé's up to bat?
grim: is it something vaguely immoral or illegal?
korinn: maybe?
grim: right, i'm going to the "bathroom" for the next fifteen minutes unless i hear the safeword.

josé: i have a plan!
team: of course you do! that's your job!
dm: what is it?
josé: i'm gonna need to requisition curtains, 7 lbs of fine silk, 30 meters of rope, and a halberd.
korinn: you're gonna pray in the buff again, aren't you?

eva: what's a fez and why does josé want one?
team: *heavy silence*
eva: i'm not looking up anything josé wants or tells me about anymore! last time it involved girls playing with tentacles in a bathtub!
josé: ... it's a hat. it's also a city in morocco and i think it means "pickaxe" in moroccan arabic.
eva: i don't trust you!!

bard: is it tradition for the monk to die?
dm: yes.
korinn: dude, he dies around me, little miss "you get a reroll". it's not tradition, it's fate by this point.

korinn: i'm so glad i can hide behind josé sometimes.
grim: he hid behind me from a dragon. all you risked was projectile vomit.
korinn: and my dignity!!!
grim: josé has one of those?
bard: does anyone in the team have one of those?
monk ooc: *extremely loud burp* what are you guys arguing about?

[DigoDragon]

GM: “It's a safe bet Warden High Tower won't survive his 'interview' with [Chrysalis].”
Rose: “Yeah, a shame we may not get to him first. I mean, the worst the EDF could do is shoot him.”
Sniper: “Oh, shooting him's the least we could do.”

Rose: “That sucks. Besides baton rounds, everything I found was armor piercing mega-death explosive type ammo. What's a mare gotta do to not kill a target?”

Sniper: “Rose and Love are going to spike the punch at the next get together with Changeling Venom, aren't they?”
GM: “Just know that the first private party you all will be invited to will be in the Wonderbolts' Roost and Rainbow Dash would be drinking that punch too.”
Sniper: “Are you encouraging or discouraging them?”
GM: “I... I'm not sure.”

GM: “Well, well, well, what have we here?”
Rose: “Uh, I wanna guess it is cake, but... it's probably not cake, is it?”

Love: “Octavius and Octavius are heartbroken by the loss of their fellow Octavius. It was a brave one. I knew it the moment I activated it. It sacrificed its body for we could live. …Psst, are you recording this?”

GM: “He's just a laser-spitting dragon three times Brazen's size! What's the issue?”
Rose: “Gee, where to begin with this one.”

Sulmandeer: “Oh? So ponies do know words other than 'scum' and 'minotaur dung' and the like. This is indeed a glorious day for your kind. You, pony, have reached beyond your vocabulary limitations. I hope this change persists. I would have a far higher opinion of your race in general. As is, there is a very short list of ponies I trust, much less like, and you are not on it.”

Sniper: “How is it that the resident murder bot is becoming the party face?”

Love: “I brought a ten pack of each grenade type and left them on the ship. Everyone gets grenades! You get a grenade. You get a grenade. How many of each grenade does each pony want?”

Brazen: “Wait didn't Pinkie give us a box of cupcakes or something?”
Sniper: “I thought it was muffins?”
GM: “Yes. Muffins.”
Love: “What if Pinkie Pie is pranking us?”
GM: “She did say you would know when to use the muffin. OOC, you will know when to use the muffin. It will be the only time a muffin is the appropriate answer to a problem. An invisible dragon is not solved by a muffin.”

[Guizonde]

from last year:

dm: so, you barge in, and the resident i.t. guys look at you and reach for their crowbars. "you are...?"
me, deadpan: not impressed.

Spoiler: context

Show

we had just gone 3 sessions punching too high above our gear and level, regularly ending in negative hp. we went from fighting dinosaurs in pitch-black hallways to running away from assassins wielding poisoned swords and flamethrowers to a couple of nerds with crowbars. it left the table in stitches that my response was so spontaneous and honest.

later on:

dm:right, so ulrich narrowly misses getting hit by a ball of plasma.
me, still deadpan: i reckon that warrants raising at least one eyebrow in surprise *rolls initiative*
dm: to be fair, you kind of asked for it.

[TheTeaMustFlow]

Reynard: Well, on the bright side: Our deaths will be metal as ****.

[Gallade]

DM:"A magic-negating pulse emits from the tree. All your magical abilities and spells have been drained. On the plus side, Yamra is now back to flesh".
Yamra:"What? When did the fight stop?"
Trund:"You were turned to stone by Mr.Bad Touch."
Yamra:"Did I look cool?"
Trund:"You looked cute. I would have put you in my porch"
Yamra:"Next time I'll try striking a pose!"




Ricwart:"Wait, if ALL magic stopped working..."
DM:"Yep, your Bag of Holding spits out everything inside it."
Ricwart:"NOT MY ENCYCLOPEDIA! Now I have to put the books back! And sort them too!"
Trund:"I would never think I'd see a booksplosion. But I thought it would look cooler."

[HalfTangible]

*battle begins mid-persuasion check*
P1: "WHAT DID YOU DO?!"
P2: "I LOST THE ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS MATCH!!!"

[Gallade]

"Fool! NEVER LUBRICATE THE GOLEMS!"

[DigoDragon]

"Fool! NEVER LUBRICATE THE GOLEMS!"

Huh, never seen that idea fail before. :'


Brazen: “Say something nice to the homicidal dragon!”
Sniper: “No, I don't wanna!”

Brazen: “Though I am half curious whether a dragon can survive reentry.”

GM: “Henceforward, this campaign’s measure of enemy strength shall be on the Brazen Scale. Enemies equal to him shall be '1 Brazen'. It's like the Raditz scale, but bigger units.”

Sniper: “Just a thought, but why stop there? If we're going to mess with the gravity, we could pinball him up the shaft, slap him with a glue grenade, and chuck Brazen in his face.”

Brazen: “Ah think someone’s ah bit jealous of us earth ponies. Cradling ah couple ah blue eggs eh lizard?”

Love: “While we wait for his inevitable doom. Who's up for a field-trip?”
Brazen: “Ah'll take point down the ladder an hopefully can take the brunt ah this.”
Rose: “I don't like the idea of everyone in a row with a dragon at the bottom that could slice us up like a Slap Chop.”

Sniper: “How long can a dragon hold its breath, anyway?”
Rose: “I don't know, but it occurs to me that holding his breath means he can't use that laser breath on us.”
GM: “Normally, that would work. But his 'breath' is more like focusing the Death Star laser. It comes from the scales around his mouth, not his actual mouth.”
Rose: “Ah, so then is Sulmandeer's mouth the exhaust port for which we have to toss in a proton torpedo (grenade) to defeat him?”
Sniper: “Sully's mouth is but one of several vulnerable ports of call.”

GM: “Alright fine. Have your fail reward!”

Rose: “Pfft, Rose could be buck-naked right now and she couldn't stand up.”

Love: “Reminder to Self—do not give Rose surprise surgery.”
Pinkie: “But so many things are better when they're a surprise! Like adoption! Wait, that's just foalnapping.”

Sniper: “Brazen deserves some more respect and a new call sign after this.”
Rose: “We have call signs? I mean, Partial Charge's call sign I assume is Love, but...?”
Sniper: “That's pretty much what I was referring to. Love has a nickname/call sign, Brazen should pick one up as well.”
GM: “Brazen Partytime Hoof? Blast-Master? King Boom?”
Rose: “Chin-chilla? ...I'll see myself out.”