Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[DigoDragon]

Java doesn't even support Java anymore....

Yeah, the tech world gets pretty weird.


GM: “The... intention wasn't to make you serfs. Maybe I need to reread those rules.”

Love: “Rose. Can you do me a favor? I need you to seduce Star. You like Star and me. I like Star and you. Star likes me and... You see the problem? You need to seduce her!”

Sniper: “I thought we were trying to cut down on the soap, not lather Brazen up.”
Takei: “Oh Myyyy.”

Sniper: “It says something that our secondary objective is: ‘Keep three fillies locked away so nobody sees them’. I'm pretty sure that's a felony in some parts of Equestria.”
Rose: “Surprise adoption!”
Sniper: “Surprise adoption implies we're taking them with us when we leave. I'm not planning that, are you planning that?”
Peter: “No I'm not planning that, are you?”
Winston: “No, I wasn't planning that at all.”
[Beat]
Everyone: “Ray?!”

Love: “I can put 40mm grenades on the shopping list if you'd like? Though I'm not sure why you'd want to use a smaller grenade...”
GM: “Budget cuts, perhaps?”
Rose: “Controlled collateral?”
Love: “Maybe, a heavy urban mission? I mean all of Love's grenades are non-lethal, but it's not very nice to bang up the place/civilians... Side note. 100mm grenades don't exist, but 100mm ammo does. The lightest 100mm rocket I could find weighs 25 pounds.”
Rose: “Guess this is why we don't get invited to peace summits.”

Rose: “Oh lunch, yes please!”
Love: “Yes! Lunch. Maybe, your marefriend-slash-my sister Song can help us out. I didn't realize you liked them so young. No, wonder I never had a chance.”
Rose: “Hey now, let's not assume that. She's a great mare and really knows how to provide service, but I don't think she's interested in a thirty-year old cyborg unicorn.”
Love: “See, things like this are why I was so worried about you yesterday. Not interested? She's literally scratching at your door. She wants to provide you a ‘service’ alright. There is no shame in being a thirty-year old cyborg unicorn. I can't even imagine most of those as an insult. Nice strong legs too. I think you've got what it takes to win a few bouts in the ring of love.”
Rose: “I don't know, Love. The age gap is kinda wide there. What, 11 years? She's young and has a future she should live up first before thinking of some old mare like me. Besides, we've only just met. I don't even know all that much about her personally.”
Sniper: *cough* “Please dismiss this meeting.”
Love: “I didn't mean Song per se. She seems mature for her age, but... and you make excellent points. Are you on the market, looking to date? I make an excellent wing pony. If you're looking for love, you need not look further than Love! You're hot fresh meat, honey! I can get you some dates. Maybe, someone from the military?”
Twilight: “This is not an appropriate conversation to have in my bedroom! Please, meeting dismissed.”
EDF Team: *is levitated and tossed out of the room*
Love: “Three hundred and she can still blush like that? Interesting.”

[Beacon of Chaos]

GM: *shows us a picture of an NPC*
GM: He's one of the greatest generals the Naul Army has.
Sinclair: He's so badass he set himself on fire just to read.
Katari: No, look closer; he's playing D&D!
Sinclair: No, Morde, just because your character is on fire doesn't mean you should be.
Fauna: I think it's more like *fwoosh* "Ahh, I can see better now."

[uraniumdragon]

"He was the lynchpin of my sandwich and I realize I just messed up that metaphor."

"ALL OF HER CHILDREN ARE PLANNED, OK?!?!?!?"

"Ok, you can do that, but I must insist your lips not be in sync."
"I can't do that. But I can keep on moving them after I'm done talking."

"What, in MS-PAINT?"

"*sigh* And here I'd questioned the need for side-eye in the official art..."

"It's Lure 'Citizen'!!!"
"What? What was I saying?"
"Lure Children!!!"
"But that's what I was doing."

[Gallade]

Trund:"Sigh...are you myself from another crazy universe too?"
AU-Trund:"Actually, it's pretty nice. In my timeline you've completed your quest already."
Trund:"Really? How's Yamra?"
AU-Trund:"She's okay, we got married after all. Even had a few kids. One is a girl, the other two eggs haven't hatched yet."
Trund:(Groans)

[Fable Wright]

Baldrick: Oh! I'm sorry. I thought this was an elaborate simsense porn recording. HVAC repairman walks in, drops a flashbang grenade full of drugs, leaves, and comes back in the other room. I can see now that I'm mistaken. Would you like to come back to my unmarked van and get the **** kicked out of you by Shadowrunners?

Baldrick: Okay, so, how durable is a vampire?

Baldrick: So, uh, do you want to get extracted?
Vampire: And the penny drops.
Vaalance: So, if you asked this three hours ago, we might've saved a lot of time.
Avery: So it turns out this could've been much quicker if the face decided that killing the first person he saw was not the immediate best course of action.

Vaalence: HEY GUYS I FOUND SHADOWRUNNERS IN THE AIR VENTS

Mr. Johnson: Well, this is a problem. You weren't supposed to be alive.
iBrows: Wait, ask him how he was planning on paying the shadowrunners to kill us.
Baldrick: Actually, that's a good question. How were you planning on paying them? Unless you were planning on hiring a team to kill them, and a team to kill them, and so on.

[Guizonde]

grim: that is not a goat!
korinn: stop being a surrealist!!

josé: why oh why do i keep punishing the fourth wall?
dm: because it's too funny to stop you?

korinn: what have you done?!
grim: i tried copying josé's behavior. i shouldn't have...
josé: there's a reason i tell you to look away when i'm doing shady stuff! i'm immune to alignment checks and you aren't, you dildo!

dm: no feeding the demonic goat gunpowder!

josé: iiiiiii got licked by a friggin' owlbear. first the frog dude, then the creepy duergar grandfather, now this. why me?!
dm: on the plus side, you're now immune forever from getting attacked by wildlife.
josé: ok, that's kinda worth it. i'm gonna call the big thing "robert".
team: that's stupid.
dm: robert it is!

... a paladin who loots corpses, a friendly owlbear, and a goat possessed by a planar demon lord. i love this campaign.

[Gallade]

"If only we had Space Steve Irwin with us."
"Yeah, wish there was such a thing."
"There is! Except we left him in the last outpost."

Dido:"If I want to get that Fighter dip I'm going to have to hit the YMCA."
DM:"YMCA?"
Dido:"Young Martial Clerics Association"
DM:"Ah right. Silent City, 2nd floor, B entrance."

[D.KnightSpider]

An oldie, but a goodie.

"If you don't get it together, I'll rip you into so many pieces you'll reincarnate as an employee break room puzzle!"

[Inevitability]

DM: So on this list of 'what classes are the gayest', the class you consider 'least gay' is still 'very gay'.
Player: Yes.

[Dimers]

DM: So on this list of 'what classes are the gayest', the class you consider 'least gay' is still 'very gay'.
Player: Yes.

I would like to peruse that list.

[Mutazoia]

DM: You all wake up the next morning to find [the bard] sitting on the corpse of a hatchling dragon.
Barbarian: !?
Bard: The early bard catches the wyrm....

[DigoDragon]

Love: “Heh, I like how it's just being accepted by the group that Love constantly spies on everyone.”

Sniper: “I... don't really know how else to say this. Sniper's not going to talk to Love privately or open up to her again for a long time. The same goes for Rose, to a degree, sadly. Minus the refusal to hold back part.”
GM: “Yikes....”
Rose: “It's frightening when Chrysalis is near the bottom of the ‘friends who have hurt Rose emotionally’ list.”

Rose: “Well it's obvious we're NOT telling Love no whenever she does something that the party gets uncomfortable with.”
Sniper: “See the above. Sniper gets blown off.”
Brazen: “Phrasing!”

Rose: “Tell me a little about yourself. You seem so capable with magic.”
Starlight Glimmer: “Well I did fight Twilight to a standstill once, but let's not talk about that time.”

Brazen: “Oooooh.... How the hell would Chrysalis react to that...?”
GM: “She will probably react very, very poorly. This is a horrible idea. I fully endorse it!”

Love: “Never! My character may suffer but twists and turns are the bread and butter of roleplaying games.”
Rose: “Blech. Skip the butter. I want sweet cream cheese spread all over my character plot.”
Brazen: “...Nope. To easy.”

Love: “You know that I really want to bring you back from the dead or sue you for pursing your death wish? Temporary insanity or something until you come around to this whole immortality thing. But, you also know I won't do that because I respect your will. Glad we had this talk, bye!”
Rose: “Right, so I'm going to go updating my living will now.”
Sniper: “This feels like an opportune moment to note that Sniper has a DNR.”

Love: “It's not Love's fault! She is supposed to have a good memory. Like a computer or something.” (Looks at pile of notes) “There is a reason I take notes! I have failed you Love!”

Rose: “Love, I can't steal you away from Star. That would be the worst thing I could do to her. Would you want a mare that breaks hearts? How do you know I wouldn't break yours too?”
Love: “Technically you already stole my heart. Fine, no, I wouldn't want you to be like that. I'd totally be open to you seeing other ponies though. You know, if that ever came up. This just isn't going work is it?” *explodes into tears*
Rose: “I feel like in the Canterlot dungeon, Chrysalis is feeling proud of Rose for completing step two or something in her training.”
Chrysalis: “Yes, my student. You are doing well. And now, we work on step three.”

[Gallade]

Trund:"Hey Luc, kiddo...been a while since we buried that axe. In my chest. And by 'we' I mean 'you'."
Luc:"You're different. Something in you has changed."
Trund:"You could say that I've put on a few kilos since we parted ways.
Luc:"Really? You don't look fat."
Trund (summoning lightning all over):"I'm flattered, but I meant a few kilowatts."

"My jokes are literal flaming salt buckshot."

[Mutazoia]

Blake: Quick question! How long would it take a super nova to pop a bag of popcorn?
Oberon: It would instantly burn the popcorn into vapor, rather than pop it....[notices Blake holding a bag of Quickie-pop Popcorn] WHY?

[Inevitability]

I would like to peruse that list.

As listed by the player in question:
-Bard
-Rogue
-Warlock
-Fighter
-Druid
-Wizard
-Ranger
-Cleric
-Paladin
-Barbarian
-Monk
-Sorcerer

[Inevitability]

Rogue: Does the zombie have a STD?

DM: The rocks smash into you, and you fall to the ground unconscious. Start making death saving throws.
Wizard: Brief question: do I get dramatic last words?
DM: ...sure.
Wizard: FAMILIAR OF MINE, FEED ME THE HEALING POTION IN MY BACKPACK!
DM: I hate you.

Paladin: So what, they built a dungeon that collapses once you take the treasure? Who comes up with that?

DM: Your plan is both amazing and sickening.

[TurboGhast]

Varis: I'm only 219 xp from leveling up.
DM: If you killed 20 rats that would level you up.
Varis: Bring it on!

DM: Rats don't provide experience points. You're fighting 20 cats instead. This is a first edition character's nightmare.
Varis: The wizard died of panic upon hearing that.

DM: Not even the game mechanics can stop the Unstoppable Magic Torch.

[Necroticplague]

"While I admit that bayonets may sometimes serve a purpose, I somewhat question their use on a minigun."

[Guizonde]

"While I admit that bayonets may sometimes serve a purpose, I somewhat question their use on a minigun."

that's what my dm said too. then i showed him exactly what their use was. spoiler alert: it was bloody, efficient, and bloody efficient.

oh, from my new dm:

"no mounting bayonets on shovels! or starships! you've already got a titanforge-pattern lance on the prow! and no mounting a bayonet on the lance, either!!"

obsession? what obsession?

[Thaumic]

Continuation of the campaign from my previous post:

GM: Finally ending his meditation, the monk steps aside as the circle on the floor becomes a swirling, silvery portal to the Outlands.
Altas: I jump in headfirst!
GM: Erm, you're still blinded. Acrobatics with a -10 modifier.
Atlas: *Rolls a total of 4*
GM: Take 1d4 bludgeoning damage.
Atlas: Dang it.

Wann Parr's player shows up somewhat late to the session, and the GM is filling him in.
GM: ...but before the ritual is complete, Aranus shows up! He and Atlas duel, Aranus threatening to contact...
Wann Parr: Wait, who's Aranus?
GM: Uh, the Paladin who's entire family you killed? In the very first session?
Wann Parr: Oh, right, yeah, okay.
GM: So anyway, Aranus threatens to...
Wann Parr: Wait, I still don't remember.
Atlas: You know, when you killed all those nobles with a Shatter spell.
Wann Parr: Oh yeah! That was fun.
GM: ...
Wann Parr: What? I kill a lot of random families, how can I keep them all straight?

Atlas: I charge forward and strike with my flail.
GM: You're still blinded.
Atlas: Argh, right. Okay, I, uh, do a chicken dance.
GM: ...sure. Performance check.
Atlas: *Rolls some high number*
GM: It's beautiful.
Atlas: Stupid blindness.

Maraba: Can I use Minor Illusion as a distraction?
GM: Yeah, absolutely.
Maraba: Okay, then I make a beautiful lady green-lobster-thing [the party was fighting a Chuul].
GM: *chuckle* Alright, uh, Arcana check?
Maraba: *Natural 20*
GM: ...despite having no real gender or reproduction mechanism, as far as I know, the monster is completely transfixed by the illusion, and it begins to move its claws suggestively.
Party: Bwahahahaha!

GM: Okay, Throk, I still need you to roll. But since it's a group check, as long as you don't roll a Natural 1 or something, you should be fine.
Throk: *Rolls a Natural 1*

Atlas: I sprint down the mountainside like crazy, and when I...
GM: Still blinded.
Atlas: CRAP! Someone carry me!

GM: The Githzerai brings you in closer, as she begins recounting the prophecy...
Wann Parr: Wait, so, you said this is an enclosed space, right?
GM: Right.
Wann Parr: I let out a massive fart [this has become a staple in our campaign, and the GM long ago ruled it requires a Strength check, at a loss for what else it could require]. *Rolls a Natural 20*
GM: Wooooow. Everyone take 1d4 Poison damage. The githzerai... *rolls* falls over unconscious.
Party: Bwahahahaha!

I have some crazy friends.

[Gallade]

"It tastes like Bloody Mary, if Mary had been murdered and [redacted] in a dirty toilet stall. By a pineapple."

[ZeroGear]

Brune: "Great, we're stuck on an island, anything else going to go wrong?"
DM: *smiling* you hear grunting from the bushes*
Brune: ...I don't know what that is, but you smiling means it's going to be trouble.

DM: The gorillas aim their weapons at you.
Laurence: "What exactly is that?"
Gorilla: "It's my Coconut Gun!"
Delilah: "Coconut gun?"
Gorilla: "Coconut Gun."
Brune: "A...Coconut gun?"
Gorilla: "It fires in spurts!"

Gorilla: "Into the cage. Now."
Laurence: "Alright, alright. We don't want any monkey business."

Bard prisoner: "Oh, hello."
Rugar: "Hey. So, what are you in for?"
Bard: "Getting my story wrong. I mixed up bananas and melons."
Brune: "Do you know a lot of stories?"
Bard: "Sure, but most are of the legendary group known as the Troublemakers."
Laurence: "...the who?"
Bard: "Oh, it's this legendary group of adventurers form my lad that traveled the lands fighting evil. Would oyu like to hear some of their stories?"
Rugar: "Uh...sure?"
Bard: "Who would you like to hear about first: 'Samson The Sly, the Dragon Lover', 'Little Lance and his Bottomless Pants', 'Terra the Firm, Lady of Honor', 'Victor the Green, King of the Bush', 'Xaltaer of flames and the Storm of Fire', or 'Thud the Giant and the Rock of Reason'?"

Gorilla Guard: "Hey! What are you doing out of your cage!"
Laurence: "Um..well...Look! A tree-headed monkey!" *Nat 20 Bluff*
Gorilla Guard: "What? Benny! Is that you?"

[Coventry]

Bard: "Oh, it's this legendary group of adventurers form my lad that traveled the lands fighting evil. Would oyu like to hear some of their stories?"
Rugar: "Uh...sure?"
Bard: "Who would you like to hear about first: 'Samson The Sly, the Dragon Lover', 'Little Lance and his Bottomless Pants', 'Terra the Firm, Lady of Honor', 'Victor the Green, King of the Bush', 'Xaltaer of flames and the Storm of Fire', or 'Thud the Giant and the Rock of Reason'?"

As a DM, I would have been so tempted to add, 'The Mighty Aardvark meets Brune', 'Rugar escapes the kitchen fire', 'Laurence's affair with the Last Goblin' and something for any other party members to that list.

[tyckspoon]

As a DM, I would have been so tempted to add, 'The Mighty Aardvark meets Brune', 'Rugar escapes the kitchen fire', 'Laurence's affair with the Last Goblin' and something for any other party members to that list.

"Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying"

[digiman619]

DM: So on this list of 'what classes are the gayest', the class you consider 'least gay' is still 'very gay'.
Player: Yes.

I would like to peruse that list.

As listed by the player in question:
-Bard
-Rogue
-Warlock
-Fighter
-Druid
-Wizard
-Ranger
-Cleric
-Paladin
-Barbarian
-Monk
-Sorcerer

So is that list a scending gayness or descending gayness?

[ZeroGear]

As a DM, I would have been so tempted to add, 'The Mighty Aardvark meets Brune', 'Rugar escapes the kitchen fire', 'Laurence's affair with the Last Goblin' and something for any other party members to that list.

That's the beauty of it, the stories were about characters this group played in the past.
It took about ten or so minutes for everyone to stop laughing/groaning.

[D.KnightSpider]

Stethy Scope: They're ducks.
Truly Sweet: Yes, and...?
Stethy Scope: They're ghosts.
Truly Sweet: Ghost ducks? *groan*
Stethy Scope: What's wrong?
Truly Sweet: Don't you get it? They're dead ducks.

GM: The great thing about ripping off old cartoons is that the younger generation never recognizes it when it happens.

Truly Sweet: Alright, you ducks. The time has come to leave. Now, GET OUT!
Quackers: No.
Truly Sweet: Well, I'm out of ideas. Looks like they're here to stay.

Stethy Scope: You're leaving ghost poop everywhere.
Truly Sweet: Would it kill you to use the ghost bathroom?

Zecora: Did you know, by any chance: Quackers used to be 'Snappy Dance'? He was a talented pony of song and prance, who was changed into a duck by chance.
Stethy Scope: I believe it. He's good enough at dancing around the truth.

Truly Sweet: I've got it! I've got it! I know how to make the ghosts leave!
Stethy Scope: How?
Truly Sweet: You giggle at the ghostie!
GM: Well... you're not wrong.

[DigoDragon]

By a pineapple."

Is that why everyone thinks it doesn't go on pizza?


Brazen: “Wonder what happens if we get Sniper drunk?”
Rose: “Pretty sure the party gets beat by the drunken father they never wanted.”
Sniper: “Well... You're both not entirely wrong and entirely wrong in both counts.”

Head Chef: “What do you want?”
Sniper: “Five weeks on a beach with the mare of my dreams. But since this doesn't look like any of those things, I'll settle for a sandwich.”
Red Wine: “I'll be the mare of your dreams, sweetheart!”
Head Chef: “Red Wine! Not on duty!”

GM: “The ground begins to rumble. Laughing wildly, she ascends on a pillar of earth. Clouds form overhead and lightning splits the sky. Wind kicks up and makes her cape billow dramatically.”
Trixie: “Go on! Show me your power! Bend the world to your will!”
Rose: (backs up to leap) “Okay, yeah. This'll be just like boot camp. Kinda.”

Rose: “I'd hate to get... I dunno, body jacked? Can that happen with this computer? It's pretty complex.”
GM: “Nah. Just all the info dumped in your brain at once.”
Rose: “I saw Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. That doesn't end well.”

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle: “WHO IS USING ALL THE RAM?!”
Scootaloo: “I don't feel anything.”
Sweetie Belle: “Well, you don't need as much as my great intellect does.”
Scootaloo: “Then why aren't I feeling something and Apple Bloom nothing?”
Apple Bloom: “Hey!”

Trixie: “Well then, Rose. Trixie thinks you are a very foolish pony to challenge Trixie and try to steal her books.”
Starlight: “I can't destroy them! They won't break!”
Trixie: “That is because the Great and Powerful Trrrrrrixie protected them with this world's most powerful magic of all! Admin Privileges.”

[Trixie summons a magical spell wall to crush Rose]
Trixie: “The Lord of Stars will rule all. Once this planet is conquered, I am going to be on the winning side for once!”
Rose: “You were always on the winning side! You saved Equestria! You have Starlight!”
Trixie: “Hahahahaha! Silence, fool! The Great and Powerful Trixie tires of your prattle.”
Rose: *Tries to resist the spell wall*
Trixie: “Please, you don't seriously expect to be able to break through. Trixie's power is absolute! Compared to Trixie, you are nothing. Trixie is a digital god! Trixie could take on Princess Celestia in here! Trixie—”
Rose: *Smashes through the barrier and face-plants Trixie to the ground*
Trixie: “H-how?”
Rose: “Because. I'm. Not. Twilight.”

[ZeroGear]

Is that why everyone thinks it doesn't go on pizza?

Because it’s a fruit and citric, kinda like how everyone considers tomatoes to be vegetables because they go in garden salads.

[Koeh]

Recurring villain: "The fools! They followed me!"

Me: " The fool! He stayed!"