Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[D.KnightSpider]

Love: Love could climb on top of that.
GM: Love wants to climb on top of everything.
Sniper: She does.
Love: Do I get a vote in this? p:
GM: You lost that right when you climbed on Star Chaser.

Sniper: The EDF: Very nearly hoodwinked by smoke and mirrors.

GM: Mages, am I right?
Sniper: Union rules restrict them to a two-minute workday. What can you do?
GM: They're legally required to have all that extra time for studying.

Rose: Assuming default text styles, single spacing, and moderate margins (3/4 inch sides, 1 inch top/bottom), holding down the 'f' key will fill one page in approximately 3 minutes. Thus, if no one removes Rose's face off the keyboard and she sleeps until she reaches full FP, she will have written 23.33 pages consisting of only the letter f on them. The maximum number of pages that a Word doc is capable of holding is 32768, which will take Rose face-sitting on the keyboard for about 68.27 days. Now you know!
Sniper: And scrolling past them on mobile, I feel every one.
Love: I felt them too! It was like she was cursing at me.
Rose: Who's to say she wasn't?

Sniper: For that matter, why am I showing up as 'Scrambled Eggs'?

GM: What have I told you all about saddles?
Sniper: Brazen looks for them all the time?
GM: ... Point.
Brazen: <_<
Sniper: Search you feelings, you know it to be true.

Rose: Pro tip: Search Rose's closet.
Love: Again? Love did that two weeks ago.

Sniper: I'll probably let that play out before Snipes shows up.
GM: Snipes? Westerly Snipes. Playing Sniper Scope in the new movie: "Equestrian Sniper"

[Spookykid]

I wear black
yes
I go around fighting evil
yes
I just aquired a large house
yes
with underground secret rooms
yes
that opens into a large cave
yes
I'M BATMAN

[DigoDragon]

GM: “Yes, that was the sound of the DM snipping off about three years worth of loose ends.”
Doc: “This is like your Marvel’s Avengers movie payoff, isn't it?”
GM: “Well, the party's beat Frieza, now it's time to deal with Cell.”
Viridia: “So... vore time? Also, if this is settling the score, Viridia should probably be there instead of raiding Shade's church.”
GM: “Well, you can pretty much do what you want. If you think going through/destroying Shade's stuff could be more useful in the long term…”
Viridia: “That sounds a lot like ‘No you shouldn't’.”

Viridia: “Also can't believe Livewire is working with griffons. You think you know a girl and then she goes and doesn't be racist.”

Doc: “Alright, we wait there for the pegasi. As much as barging in would be fun, we need to at least look the part of heroes.”
Moon: “Why start now?”

Doc: “If Amadi is secretly a member of Quagga Eye for the Straight Guy, I'll accept a few fashion tips.”

Viridia: “You thought I was here to diplomance, but it was me, flirting!”

Viridia: “I doubt that seducing Livewire's portable file cabinet will help, but I figure Livewire'll notice Viridia's arrival either way.”

Livewire: *face turns red and steam rises from the creases in her forehead*
Doc: “So, what was in that cocktail you gave [Livewire]? I'm a wee bit worried she's gonna suddenly keel over from a heart attack or something.”
Amadi: “Triple doses of almost every drug I had except for the Rainboom. With what she consumed, she should have exploded five hours ago from her muscles outgrowing her skin, which has yet to happen for some ungodly reason. As you can see, her body is hot enough that she is sweating steam.”
Doc: “Yeah, that's a new symptom in my book. Well. Challenge accepted then.”

GM: “Livewire's rolls after all the drugs wear off might hit the forum post limit. She's consumed seven varieties of Dash, along with five different Mint-Al varieties, including Party-Time Mint-Als. If Livewire ends up suffering from addiction effects, that kills the Livewire. Also, Amadi's IOU totals 3930 caps.”
Choro: “....Wowza.”

[Necroticplague]

Gene: Wait, crap, did we just become henchmen?
GM: Worse, you just became scab henchmen.
Nesdu: Crap, I hate dealing with unions.
Gene: I blame you for making the bad guy too sympathetic.

[Guizonde]

cayden caillean's finest ... stew:

korinn: when in doubt, blame josé.
josé: hey!

dm: the cleric casts sobriety on the monk. *poof*
kami: who the hell are you people?!

free: eva's got 2 dads, kami's got 2 personalities, what next?
korinn: i pray 3 gods, josé's got 3 souls...
dm: this group is weird.

*chomp*
josé: in hindsight, probably shouldn't have put my hand in a dragon's mouth.
free: you look a bit disarmed by how your plan backfired.
grimm: need a hand?
korinn: yeah, might be handy you start relying on the group.
josé: *flips off the group with a wrist stump*

eva: but what does novikov think about this?
novikov: I DON'T GIVE A FLYING F----!!!
dm:*spits beer out his nose*

josé: uh, the building just swallowed a dragon like we swallow eggs, grimm.
grimm: ulfs are friggin' weird.
eva: that's my dad!
free: ulfs ARE friggin' weird!

josé: *bluff* i slipped on a dragon hatchling, ok?!
dm: yeah... you "slipped".
josé: even you have to beat a dd36 if you want to finish that sentence!
korinn: guess he still hasn't lost his hand bullsh!tting people!

grimm: josé slipped and fell here. it's too dangerous.
kami: it's fine, he got through with one hand tied behind his back! *dodges thrown pack of candy*
grimm: nah, when in doubt, blame josé.
korinn: at least you weren't in his backpack!

dm: there's a linorm down there, ready to eat you.
josé: getting eaten twice in one session is 3 times too many! friggin' dragons.
korinn: like all your problems, it starts with "dr": "drow", "dragons", "druids", "draddy issues"...
josé: "drobriety", "drunkenness", "drug-abusing pets", "drungeon master", "drismemberment", "drorinn", "drscenario"...

(that session was payback for all the hell josé raised the session before. ouch)

rogue trader:

jace: you spawn of slaanesh! you should burn!
dm: the dark eldar flinches and lunges at the padré.
ray: left leg, for sure this time.
ross: pff... easy bet.

dag: if i can find a xenos merchant, i'll charm the pants off the guy and we'll be rich!
lux: we're on a xeno trade world. i'm sure that'll be next to impossible to find!

tau plenipotentiary: there's a special ork who keeps his boyz on this world as a police force.
ray: *ding* *growls* hiiiiim!
necron: does he sell squigs?

ray: guys! look at that!
ross: the hell is that?!
dag: uh, ray, that's... normal?
ray: it's a daisy! growing out the ground! i hadn't seen one in 4 years!
lux: you dirt-born freaks weird me out.

dm: sadly, the arboretum has to die to prevent the spread of the ork spores.
ray: that's the hardest casualty to take. *sheds manly tear*
necron: you meatbags are so sentimental.

necron: i'm going to buy a squig, and hug him, and pet him, and call him george!
team: *synchronized googly eyes*

dag: but think about it! xenos wine! we'll be filthy rich! again!

dark eldar: you stink of ork.
ray: well, if you've got some sort of bayonet-infused roundup you might want to share, please do! otherwise, shut it, knife-ears! (ooc: and armor, and gun... and you people think i've got a problem with pointy things! sheesh)
dm: ... you make a valid point.

dm: unless you smoke a cigar, you'll lose a fate point!
me: *pulls out a cigar from my beret's lining*
team: we wish we were as ready as him.
dm: you're doing this to mock me, arent't you?
me: maybe?

[Fable Wright]

Richard: Hey, are you Audrey Bell? I'm a huge fan of your twitter!

Spoiler: Audrey:

Show

Jacob: I try to cut away at the vines with my jack knife.
DM: As you begin to cut, you feel blood trickling down your hand. You didn't really notice it earlier, but these vines have some small spikes on them. They didn't seem that sharp before, but...
Jacob: Audrey, can you cut these down for me?
Audrey: I try to cut away at the vines with the jack knife.
DM: As you begin to cut, you feel blood trickling down your hand. You didn't really notice it earlier, but these vines have some small spikes on them. They didn't seem that sharp before, but...
<Richard arrives.>
Audrey: Hey, Richard, can you cut these down for me?

Jacob: Wait, you're telling me that the reputable hypnotherapist is actually just doing therapy?
DM: Yes.
Audrey: I look for the least reputable hypnotherapist my followers sent me.
DM: You find this, except for hypnotherapy instead of cars.

Audrey: I just remember the ouija board, then waking up in the woods, and there were blood and weird symbols everywhere...
Ling: Ah, this sounds like a demon memory. Here, let me get my demon memory extractor crystals!
DM: You forget the ouija board, the weird guy who brought it over, and everything weird after you woke up in the woods.
Jacob: This is the exact opposite of what we wanted!

DM: As you approach the <impossibly lifelike doll of 13 year old girl>, you can see the ribcage has hinges. Inside is <anatomically correct ballistic gel>, and an empty hole where the heart should be.
Party: <slowly beginning to get over the reveal.>
DM: Richard, when you look at the empty, heart-shaped hole, you feel yourself drawn in. You just want to shrink down and curl up inside that hole and never leave. This is your hole.
Audrey: I didn't know how you could make this creepier, but you did.

Audrey: I post a picture of the auction listing to Twitter.
DM: You get a lot of random posts, and very little helpful feedback. Turns out, not many people read cuneiform.

[eru001]

Guys, Serious question. Does five of a kind beat a Royal Flush?

[DigoDragon]

This is your hole.

I got that reference... and I'm regretting it.


Ander: "I think they'll charge us Room and Boar."

Connor: "You're a sorcerer! Didn't we hire you for Detect Magic?"
Ander: "I'm more the charismatic-face type of spellcaster."
Zaria: "His magic items need legs."

Kiev: "Unless you have the money to wank out 400 gold, you're stuck in leather."
GM: "That was a weirdly worded way of saying 'take the AC boost'."

Donnah: "Whatever it is I think I see, becomes a Palpatine to me!"

GM: "Okay, you divvy out the loot. Who gets the orb?"
Ander: "Yes he does."
GM: "Who does?"
Ander: "Well he did volunteer for it."
GM: "What?"
Kiev: "No, What has the magic scrolls."

Connor: "The first time I heard elevator music I recognized as a song I loved, I felt old."

Siren: "Think you can get in?"
Ander: *cracks knuckles* "Not a chance."

GM: "You can determine two main schools of magic from the orb--"
Connor: "Holy and Buck."
GM: "...you determine four main schools of magic from the orb."

Kiev: "Stop talking to the orb. You keep playing with it, you'll go blind."

[HalfTangible]

Not quite a campaign, but...

>Cousin dies
Cousin: "What the heck just happened?!"
Me: "I showed up."

[Beacon of Chaos]

Ahh, it's been a while. Here's something from my new Borderlands campaign.

Naomi: What if I joined your organisation? I'm sure I'd be more useful in a desk role instead of going into a scary, dark cave full of spiderants.
Cleo: An interesting idea. We'll talk about it more after you come back from the scary, dark cave full of spiderants.
Naomi: Dammit.

[DigoDragon]

GM: “The party would literally need assistance from every NPC they have met as of this moment to defeat Livewire in her current state played straight, that's not a joke. 85% DR, 24 DT means that she'd take, at most, 74 damage from something that does 450+10d20, which is mcguffen-level damage.”
Moon: “Nah, we'd just have to survive her for the twenty minutes or so until she spontaneously combusts.”

GM: “The real conspiracy among who is to blame, of course, is the steering wheel.”

Moon: “We really don't seem to have any luck with drugs. First Lua and now Livewire.”
Doc: “Well, when our shining examples of responsible drug users are Luapula and Livewire...”
Amadi: “To be frank, in situations like this, my people would normally call a priest instead of a doctor. And that has nothing to do with magic or anything.”

Moon: “We've got like, three different ways to get her there. We can teleport via Choro, teleport via Captain Jack, or load her up in the wagon for a quick flight.”
Doc: “The amusement of having a surname based on transportation never ceases.”

Salt Marsh: “I personally expected more violence.”
Viridia: “Violence? With us around? We murder one despot and an army of pirates and suddenly we're the violent ones. But, nah. No violence today, hopefully. Now gloating - you've got that to look forward to. The Olives are going to deal with a smugness to surpass... well, themselves.”

Salt: “I imagine that this Thanatos already owes you one himself.”
Viridia: “He owes me for not punching him in his stupid face.”

GM: “Mirror, obviously, isn't Euron Greyjoy in a pony suit, that would be silly.”
Viridia: “I say we start a petition on Change.org to make Everfrost better. That's guaranteed to work.”
GM: “Done.”

Choro: “You're thinking about the family. I'm thinking about the poor fools on the ship.”

[Guizonde]

ray: my world grows fortresses, and vineyards!
dag': in that order. don't ask.

commander rym: can someone explain to me why a multi-million year old entity has gotten an emotional attachment to a semi-sentient fungus?
ray: can you dumb it down to low-low gothic, please?
rym: why is your pet necron looking for a pet squig?!

dag': *sigh* i'll go get ray before the planet eats him...
lux: or vice-versa...

ross: can we please stop having buildings collapse on me? i just got out of the hospital!

jace: *preaching*
random worker: shut up! you're interrupting work hours!!
jace: friggin' profligates. i'll get my paddle.
lux: bets are open! i'm betting head!
dag: arm!
ross: spine.
ray: uh, left leg. this time for sure!

team: *curses in occitan*
on-loan fire warrior: what are you guys saying that for?
ray: we're gonna need the bonus.
on-loan fire warrior: isn't that the padré's job?
jace: don't you start.

dm: oh crud, i just invented g.m.-orks...

dm: say, how does our resident racist enjoy being next to a bunch of orks?
ray: *rolls hatred* RIP THEIR SKIN OFF AND MAKE THEM INTO SLIPPERS!!
ross: that guy can be zen as a garden on a deathworld, but mention greenskins and he becomes as bad as them...

dm: ray dashes and tries to knock out the sentry.
ray: *rolls* *crits* 17 damage with a buttstroke.
team: 0.o
dm: right. as i was saying, ray dashes and knocks the sentry clear out of the game. good thing i gave that sentry plot armor.

jace: why are you so angry?!
ray: it's a stealth mission and i can't scream or kill orks! my two favorite things to do during job hours!

dm: the necron's arm unpins all your grenades.
ray: i'm gonna strangle that pile of scrap metal. but first, lemme take an agility test.

*huge kaboom*
lux: so much for stealth.
ross: we left ray alone with orks. are you really surprised?
dag': at least it makes a good distraction!

dm: ray comes back with never-seen-before levels of rage.
lux: oh, crud. i think i forgot to reinstall his hellgun's safety.
jace: i pray for trigger discipline.

*building collapses*
ross: why me?!

ray: scarus sector humor is very deadpan.
jencyo: i noticed.
ray ooc: good, he's learning the important stuff.

mega-armored ork boss: now ya lissen up ya tin can...
necron: look who's talking.
dm: *blinks* *shuts down*
team: *happy dance*

dag: let's blame the 'cron.
lux: in front of the boss, let's blame the gretchin!
dag: you're a genius.

ray: i strangle the necron and scream in his face for the next 11 hours! (ooc: i know i can last at least go that long)
necron: uh, ray, i missed you too, but this is awkward.

*11 hours later*
ray: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
necron: do you think a 100% genuine stormtrooper necklace is seen as a status symbol?
jace: i'm gonna give ray something to drink. the necron deserves more strangling.
dag: i'll feed him. it's the least i can do.
necron: can i be fed?
lux: no, you're getting strangled. that, and you're punished for getting us 3 weeks of house arrest!!

ross: he's gotta sleep sometime, right?
ray: ZZZ!!
dm: he's got the talents to keep going while sleeping.
necron: it's cute how much he missed me.
lux: it's sad that he's the most professional of our group.

[Rater202]

Back in Highschool, I was in a Deadland's game where my character was best described as a 6'5'' Undead John Wayne with a pair of revolvers that never ran out of ammo.

He was also a Federal Marshal for the Confederacy and a PI/Bounty Hunter on the side.(as was the conceit of the story)

His name was Sherman.

Sherman: "You are under arrest for murder, attempted murder, and being a creepy German guy without... a licence!"

Sherman: "Unfortunately for you... I'm already dead!"

[Tiadoppler]

Fighter: There's a herd of horses trying to eat the salad on top of my head. I'm doing the best I can.


Paladin: You. Killed. My. Wagon.


Sorceress: Fire is the answer to everything, and frequently the question too!
Monk: Bacon?
Sorceress: Fire!
Monk: Chilly?
Sorceress: Fire!
Paladin: Fire?
Sorceress: Yes. Fire!


DM: There's a bookshelf leaning against the-
Wizard: Books?
Sorceress: Fire!
Wizard: Whoa. No.


DM: That was your soul.
Warlock: Oops.


Monk: Cuddles?
DM: Fuzzy horse cuddles.
Monk: Yay!
Wizard: (Wizard) is jealous.
Fighter: Of (Monk), or of the horse?
Wizard: (Wizard) is jealous and confused.


DM: (Warlock) looks at (Warlock) and smiles broadly. "Come closer, my friends."
Warlock: Okay!
DM: Seriously?


Warlock: Yes, Master. I will serve your will.
Paladin: Did you two plan this?
Fighter: Yeah, I didn't see any saving throws.
DM: Umm. (Warlock) isn't being mind-controlled yet.


Sorceress: (Warlock) is so weak-willed, just being asked to betray his friends by a creepy doppelganger is enough to get him to turn on us.
Warlock: This is canon now. In my defense, I thought (Warlock) was being mind-controlled.


Monk: Yeah, it was just (DM) mind-controlling (Warlock's Player). Nothing to worry about. (DM) is our friend and we all trust (DM).
Wizard: Yes. Trust...
Sorceress: Trust (DM)...


Paladin: What time is it?
Table: Showtime!
DM: 9:30
Table: Showtime!
DM: There is no impromptu Hamilton at this table. Don't make me turn this railroad around.


DM: This is the kind of thing that happens in Iriaebor.
Sorceress: What happens in Iriaebor stays in Iriaebor.
Wizard: You said that about the last three towns and it didn't work then either, according to our wanted posters.
Sorceress: Eventually it'll be true.


DM: Here's the city map.
Paladin: Let's go somewhere else.


Fighter: (Paladin), crime is not supposed to be your preferred strategy for every situation.


DM: The guardsmen jump off of their prison wagon, draw their weapons, and begin searching the chapterhouse.
Wizard: Did they leave their wagon empty?
Warlock: I jump in and grab the reins.
Wizard: I climb in the back.
Barbarian: (Barbarian) is police officer now! (Barbarian) hops in.
Sorceress: I grab (Monk), smash through the top story window and fly down onto the roof of the police wagon.
DM: That... escalated quickly.


Warlock: (Wizard), how do you make horses move?
Wizard: Ask nicely and offer payment upfront.
Sorceress: Tie them up with straps, put gags in their mouths, and spank them gently.
Monk: (Monk) takes the reins and glares at (Sorceress) and (Warlock).


DM: So, you're riding a stolen police wagon down main street at noon, at a full gallop. Anything else?
Sorceress: I ring the bell so that the traffic will get out of the way.
DM: Yep. There we go.


Warlock: Wait, they were fake guards?
Sorceress: Just like us!
Wizard: Let's ditch the wagon and go on foot. We have the ledger with all the proof.
Barbarian: (Barbarian) likes wagon.
Warlock: We can just leave the wagon in an alley, and sabotage it so that it can't be used again.
Wizard: Yeah, cut the brake lines!
Monk: Done!
Wizard: Shouldn't we stop first?
Monk: That problem will solve itself.

[Beacon of Chaos]

Zapp: Oh my god... It's full of Starburst!

Naomi: Here Zapp, you can have my old machine gun.
Zapp: I will treasure this... for 10 minutes *licks gun*

Anna: I bet the orb is in the forest!
Mary: *walking out of the forest* Hey guys, I found that orb thing that- ah crap.
Anna: See!

[DigoDragon]

Zapp: I will treasure this... for 10 minutes *licks gun*

I'd wash that before taking it back.


Stellar: “If we're looking for griffons, you’re probably better off then me.”
Moon: “It shouldn't be too complicated. A quick, ‘hey your boss OD'd on drugs and is being treated by Doc, thought you might like to know’, and then we can do whatever. …This day has been crazy enough.”

Viridia: “I'm here to see Thanatos and the rest of y'all. And don't worry - executioners are never this cute.”

Viridia: “Hmph. It's a lot harder to punch somepony when they're half-dead already.”

Tirkes: “There's, uh, something in my right eye. If you could wiggle it out without killin' me, that'd be nice.”

Moon: “She's... hm, she's Viridia if Viridia took a bath in Party Time Mint-Als.”
GM: “Don't give her any ideas.”

GM: “The only PC without long-running encounters with utter weirdness was Stellar.”
Doc: “Apparently one of her unicorn parents put a Shield of Boringness on her for protection from the strangeness of the wasteland.”
GM: “Well, they weren't wrong to do so, were they?”

GM: “The most outstanding [engine] issue was the unicorn corpse that had roughly landed on it at some point in the recent past and appeared to have had a great deal of force applied to it until it's head was partially occupying the space the engine was meant to.”
Doc: “When a mechanic pours their blood, sweat, and tears into rebuilding an engine... not the first imagery I'd think of.”

Choro: “Thanatos! You can't have normal engine problems, can you? No... You have to have a corpse stuck in it!”

Choro: “Well, if he's a pirate, he'll hopefully appreciate a water burial.”
Thanatos: “Feeding him to the lampreys would let them do some good, I would agree.”
Choro: “A proper burial. Somepony says a blessing before lowering him into the sea gently, returning his magic to the waters.”
White Text: “The issue of how this made the dead body any less lamparay food seems to be rather lost on Choro.”

[Necroticplague]

"O.k, you don't want to me to have one, and I want to have one to use on myself. How about we compromise: you send me GPS location for a nice uninhabited stretch of Nevada, and I'll just politely stand there, and you can nuke me. I'm dead, you never had to give up control, and nobody else dies."

[Fable Wright]

Audrey: So the plan was to feed Richard to the doll, right?
Richard: Pretty much... Wait, no!

GM: The translation babbles on about the similarities of anime plots in gathering enough soul mass to do... something, and--
Jakob: So like a literary analysis thing?
GM: Judging by the phrasing, only if it were written by a serial killer, given how it refers to hypotheticals only dismissed because of "velocity."

Audrey: He might not be dead!
Jakob: You beat him until he was half dead, and then he ran screaming into the night while on fire.

Richard: I'm going to try and drag Audrey out of the burning building.
Dice: *crit fail*
GM: You manage to get her to the front door. Unfortunately, that door is blocked by a flaming timber.

Richard: I really hope this works...
Dice: *crit success*
GM: You find yourself in a hospital, confused and bewildered at what just happened.
Richard: Thank you, creepy dead girl doll!

Richard: Woah, this relationship is moving really fast. Maybe we should take it slower?
Doll: *stares blankly into space*

[Beacon of Chaos]

Victor: If anyone wants to know what to get me for my birthday: a dice cage.
Zapp: Just use the ocean like the rest of us!
Victor: *darkly* Not good enough.

[DigoDragon]

Viridia: “Why does Choro always side with our enemies? First Thanatos, then the giant slime monster, now Sari. She'll be advocating for radiation or the concept of entropy next.”

Choro: “Grudges and bloody vengeance aren't very Equestrian Values.”
GM: “Grudges and bloody vengeance accompanied by song, however, may be more acceptable.”

Strata: “You handle the flying thing, I'm about to get my ethnography going.”

Moon: “That whole 'Griffons like to fight' thing is false. It's just that the majority of them down here are mercenaries, and they get paid to fight. And they do like getting paid.”
Choro: “Doesn’t everypony?”

Succession Powder: “I'm a scrying specialist, so I really should have seen this coming.”

Viridia: “How can I get cute mares to materialize beside me?”
Moon: “By hiding the ones you've currently got?”

Fascine: “Want to silence your opponents? Well, you only need a reason.”
Skull: “They won't clap at your big speeches, and it's soon election season.”
Fascine: “When you know you need a servient.”
Skull: “Just scream ‘Servants!’”
Fascine: “And have us arrest your enemies for high treason!”
Duo: *pose and drapes a cloth banner between them that read ‘Welcome Prin Sult Abbas!’*
[Beat]
Doc: “Okay, well that was... overt.”

[Guizonde]

Viridia
Fascine: “Want to silence your opponents? Well, you only need a reason.”
Skull: “They won't clap at your big speeches, and it's soon election season.”

1: don't wait! choose vaporization!
2: i suggest a death by laser cannon!


couldn't resist.

[DigoDragon]

couldn't resist.

Don't resist! Embrace!


GM: “Hail the tyrant saint, the great bereaver.”
Moon: “I totally misread that as the great beaver.”

Stellar: “Just feeling a lot more positive about stuff lately.”
Doc: “Is this before or after the loot drops we got from Abbas?”

Viridia: “Why is she making prophecies for things you could just tell us with your facemeats?”

Choro: “You work for horses. Spread their law. And call yourselves Servants of the Sun. No, please don't explain. I don't want to hear it. You're just going to depress me.”

Choro: “How is she, doctor?”
Doc: “High as a kite at the moment. When the drugs wear off, she'll either pass out or start screaming then pass out. So... about a well as can be imagined.”
GM: “[The patient] appeared to be somewhere between believing she was god and soiling herself.”

[LordCdrMilitant]

Me: Watch Master Raanan reaffirms the oath of the Deathwatch and declares that, in the wake of the opening of the Cicatrix Maledictum, cut off from Terra and the Emperor's light by the terrible scar across the galacy, it is now more than ever that the worlds of humanity require the protection of the Space Marines. The Inquisitors have been processing distress signals and preparing dossiers on the most urgent. As there are far more requests for aid than there are kill teams to answer them, kill teams will be permitted to volunteer for assignments, with preference granted for veterancy and competence.
Tomix: Are we picking last?
Me: No, you're at least respected.
Sartaq: But are we actually, though?

Me: Inquisitor Kriss is confident in, and very pleased with, her plan.
Sartaq: Isn't this the lady who gave the go ahead for Akel's murdermonster? I don't trust her plans.

There's more, I'll get to them eventually.

[solidork]

Detective Allton Pensrick: He's a Kobold in the streets, dragon in the sheets.

[IsThisNameTooLo]

DM: "It took all of my willpower to write "the dark knight thickens"."

[Guizonde]

rogue trader:

branford: after that last balls-up you made, the captain is letting you one chance to do a mission properly. don't screw up this time, and keep that bloody necron on a short leash!
ross, looking at ray still strangling the necron: count on it. we've got a grip on the situation.

branford: alright, i expect you people to be professionals!
*suddenly, a bloodletter and 7 cultists*
branford and ross: RUN AWAAAAAAAY!!

ray: ok, amonakh, just like i taught you: HOLD THE LINE!!
necron: I AM THE LINE!
lux: and branford calls us incompetent?!
ray: i know, right? *spits out cigar, shoulders gun*

dm: ok, reaction round!
dag': i hide behind the necron!!
lux: *coughs* right, "professionnals".
dm: jace?
jace: i hide behind ray!
lux: my int score is dropping by every round...
dm: so is mine.

*DAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKAµ
dm: so, ray, dead yet?
ray: it didn't even bypass my armor. i'm feeling mighty tank right now.
jace, cowering: i'm feeling mighty safe between ray's legs.
dm: i'm feeling mighty out of ammo. that was 8 bursts' worth of shots!
necron: ray! no out-tanking me!

*sprinklers turn on, drenching the battlefield*
jace: at least it's not blood...
dag: i guess you could say it's a wash!
dm: dag'...
me: hold on, i got this *pulls out nerf gun out of backpack* *shoots dag's player*
dm: give that man a cigar!
me: *pulls yet another cigar out of my beret, chomps on it*
dm: *blinks*
team: *golf claps*

pf:

dm: grimm the paladin is stuck under a bridge over a bottomless chasm.
josé: not my fault!
grimm, holding on for dear life: when in doubt, blame josé!

*horde of zombies*
josé: *backflips over a zack and stabs him down the spine*
grimm: *grabs a zack and kills another with the first*
korinn: *yawns*
kami: *punches a zack so hard he pukes his guts*
eva: *casts a healing spell so hard the zombie lives again only to die again, plus kills all the other zombies*
dm: show off.

dm: there's a pack of c4 like explosives on the door.
grimm: i grab josé under my arm and get away before he loots.
josé: spoilsport! it would have only taken a second to blow up the dm's plot!
dm: thank goodness for orks.

korinn: there's a pretty big half-dragon half-cat down there.
kami: so we'll call him mittens. fine, no problem.

josé: saving your ungrateful butts aside, can i go back to grab the explosives now?
everyone: NO!!

grimm: only josé can take off two pairs of sunglasses and still have a third under them.
korinn: he still looks like a giant tool, though.
free: i dunno, he looks an awful lot like an elf to me. *gets hit by a thrown potato*

kami: right in the kiwis! again!!
korinn: betcha can't wait for that "body of diamond" feat.
kami: better than waiting for you to reroll crits against me and my fruitbasket!!
team: *grins*

josé: *flips off fleeing dragon priest*
dm: wrong hand, josé.
josé: it's the thought that counts!
korinn: it's supposed to be "phantom pain syndrome". not "phantom insults".
free: on the other hand, he's even less polite in sign language! *gets hit by a thrown potato*

dm: you ban him shotguns, and he goes and invents dragon-fart-powered spud-guns. i give up.
korinn: lop his other hand off.
grimm: he'd con free into doing it for him.
josé: you guys have no proof! ... under a dd41 sense motive check, anyways...

[DigoDragon]

grimm, holding on for dear life: when in doubt, blame josé!

Seems like the tag line for the campaign. That or throwing potatoes.


Love: “That makes sense. I suppose Love would just be a little sentimental about the tag.”
Rose: “Sentiments are for people who lose wars.”

Rose: “What part of ‘You have five minutes to come out and surrender or I will blow you and your primitive fort to smithereens.’ did you have questions on?”

Sniper: “Either way, though, we can't do too much more until Brazen starts blowing smoke.”

Love: “We should try to disable it to the ground!”
Rose: “Shooting it down is a very efficient way of grounding it. Just saying.”

Love: “Noo! What have you done, Rose?!”
Sniper: “Post-blocked you. Yes, it was cruel.”
Rose: “Mine is a ninja that will pierce the heavens.”

Rose: “You know you wanna. Fashion Statement, then Doc... Why stop a fun thing if no one is getting hurt but Love's couch?”

Rose: “Though right now she needs to like, do something while Sniper is playing Florida Pedestrian with the gunboat pilot.”
Sniper: “Rose gets to be the Luke Skywalker in the Millennium Falcon for this battle.”

Love: “We probably could have asked for their surrender earlier, I guess?”
Rose: “Don't look at me. My comm is a 5.56mm semi-automatic one-way communication speaker.”

[Guizonde]

Spoiler: responses!!

Show

Seems like the tag line for the campaign. That or throwing potatoes.

josé's still the fall guy. he's only responsible for about 35% of all the shenanigans the team gets into. usually to get them out of a problem, so there's a bit of a crescendo effect. i'm blaming knife-ear persecution, myself.

Was it a baked or roast potato? I hope gaming table food didn't go to waste.

raw, actually. josé's packing about 12lbs of raw potatoes at all times for mostly for comical effect, but it has been used in the past for "advanced interrogation", "advanced torture", "advanced humiliation", and "advanced murder". usually we throw candy or saucisson at each other, tiny things that are harmless and delicious. in-character though, bring on the idaho russet!

[DigoDragon]

Love: “Isn't Love always so sacrificial? She's just never normally in a spot she can act on her desires. She tends to be chained to the teams need for technical support.”
Rose: “Isn't tech support Love's job on the team? Sacrificing yourself doesn't seem like a technical kind of project.”

Sniper: “Don't look at me. I don't do manes.”
Rose: “I misread this as ‘I don't do mares’.”
Sniper: “Well... you're not wrong.”
Love: “We could have Happy do our manes.”
Rose: “Why? They'd probably end up smelling like pancakes and strawberries and... Yes, let's do that.”

Sniper: “In other news, we have a new episode of We're Playing GURPs Wrong.”
Love: “Yay! That's my favorite segment!”

GM: “8d6.
Turned into.
13 damage.
...
That was the lamest grenade ever.”

GM: “The grenade goes off! But instead of a massive, earth-shattering bang, all it releases is a light wind. The manufacturer ought to be ashamed.”

Love: “Grenade concussion dramatically falls off though. Damage is Damage/(3*Yards Away) 18, 6, 3, 2 etc...”
Rose: “In Shadowrun, when the shock-wave of an explosion hits a wall, if the wall is stronger than the wave can penetrate, then the shock-wave gets bounced back. This makes grenades very deadly indoors. See, Chunky Salsa Effect.”
Love: “Stronger grenades exist in UltraTech for launchers! The Mininuke (TL 10) does 6dx2000 cr ex + linked 4dx2000 burn ex* rad sur…”
Rose: “I wonder if the RNG is capable of rolling that high?”
RNG: “Mininuke: 41,856 cr ex + 28,150 burn ex rad sur.”
Rose: “Huh. Neat.”
Love: “Congrats! A person 23 miles away just took one damage!”

[LadyMeyers]

Alan: “Just watch out for Rations.”
Rievia: “Rations?”
Alan: “My ship’s cat. She’s an angry little hairball.”
Rievia: “Maybe if you’d given her a better name…”
Alan: “Like what? Hairpiece? But seriously, we’d never eat her.”
Rievia: “I suppose that’s something.”
Alan: “Not really. Cats taste terrible."