Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[Dexam]

Me (to DM): "I've figured out how Zagyg created the flaming pillar coming out the top of the pyramid."
DM: "How?"
Me: "It was easy - he used a ziggurat lighter."
DM: *very slow head-desk*

DM: "The six-foot long black metal arm comes flying out of the fog."
P1: "I take my readied attack." *rolls* "Never mind, that's a miss."
Me: "It must have been expecting it... I guess that forearmed is forewarned."
DM: *facepalm* "...why?!"
P2: "That is such a dad-joke!"

DM: "The black metal arm falls to the stairs with a metallic clang and stops moving."
Me: "It's down?"
DM: "Yep."
Me: "Well, I guess it's 'armless now."
DM (to P2): "It's getting worse. I didn't think it could, but it is."

[TheTeaMustFlow]

"So, let's just reflect on the history of fighting juice here. We started with perfectly good hundred year old wine we found in a ruin, turned it into Malibu through alchemy and an act of God, marketed as steroids to not-Chinese street fighters, then tried to turn it into a Molotov cocktail by turning chickens into chimeras."

[Belac93]

Vampire: the Requiem 2e:

Mekhet: "Don't mess with me. I've got 4 dots of Celerity, 3 dots of Obfuscate, and 4 dots of Advanced Crafts (duct tape). And Composure 1."

[DigoDragon]

Me: "It was easy - he used a ziggurat lighter."

Me: "It must have been expecting it... I guess that forearmed is forewarned."

Me: "Well, I guess it's 'armless now."

I swear, somehow I need to get you, my local friend Chris, and myself together in a campaign. We'd probably cause the poor GM to bleed out the ears due to the catastrophic levels of punnery we'd inflict.


GM: “DM note: forgot [Doc] brought the roaches instead of leaving them back with the B party. Huh.”

Viridia: “I guess we can't call this robot Dark Souls 3/For Honor/Mass Effect: Andromeda, 'cause it has dedicated servers. AMIRITE GUISE U KNO IT.”

GM: “The robot's body was then suddenly riddled by several knives that, rending through it's chassis like it happened to be a ripe fruit.”

British Robot: “You're a bloody idiot, that's what you is! Come on, pony, I'm three laws compliant! I know you have to have wings, you made clouds! If you just stop these shenanigans, I'll show you to the break room and fix you a coffee. Or tea, if you like that.”

Giant Robot: “"HOSTILES DETECTED. ENGAGING HOSTILES.”
Viridia: “Who programs their robots to attack a bunch of hot young ponies and Doc?!”

Doc: “Whoahoho! Alright, let's do this! This is where we fight! This is where it dies! HA-OOH!!”

Choro: “Some Science!” (rolls a skill check) “What kinda rowboats are we fighting?”

[goto124]

Doc: “Whoahoho! Alright, let's do this! This is where we fight! This is where it dies! HA-OOH!!”

I'm not sure what the context is, so it sounds pretty naughty

Choro: “Some Science!” (rolls a skill check) “What kinda rowboats are we fighting?”

The first thing I imagine was a bunch of Mimics pretending to be rowboats... then I realized this isn't DnD.

[ZeroGear]

(I swear there are some gags my groups can't escape.)

Buster: "Alright, tell us where our friend is!"
Enemy minion: "You'll get noting out of me!"
Sypher: "Let me try." I possess Rivit's arm, then grab his jewels and twist.
Dealer: When did that become the go-to answer to all interrogations?

Solvo: "Anything you wish to tell me now?"
Wyzz: "I hope you choke."
Buster: *Kicks in door* "ALL IN B.A.L.L.S. OUT!" *Starts firing*

Wyzz: "What where you thinking?"
Buster: "We saved you, didn't we? I'd say the plan worked"
Wyzz: "Blowing me up to save me IS NOT A GOOD PLAN!"

Rivit: "So, how's the new body feel? I made sure to add a spare energy pack and extra fire power."
Sypher: "I don't know..." *turns to Nyfe* "Does this chassis make my butt look big?"
Nyfe: "Nope, just thicc."

Thug minion 1: "Ey yo, yuz better not be messin' with us."
Thug minion 2: "Yeh, no one messis with the Rat Kings!"
Thug minion 1: "No one messis wit us cuz we got the biggest balls!"
Thug minion 2: "Yeh, weve got te biggest, sweatiest balls around!"
Thug minion 1: "Theyz so big, it's like a Tanuki in here!"

Buster: "Cry some more!" *opens fire*
Sypher: "Time to try out this new chassis. Arming weapon systems..."
Rivit: "Fire the b**b missiles!"
Dealer: Why would you even install those?
Rivit: Why wouldn't I install those?

Dealer: You manage to grab the floating drone, clinging to it as you float gently towards the ground.
Nyfe: *Big grin*
Dealer: Don't. Say. It.
Nyfe: "I'm Marry Poppins y'all!"
Dealer: *headdesk*

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses

Show

Nyfe: "I'm Marry Poppins y'all!"

*Snerk* Good reference. :3

I'm not sure what the context is, so it sounds pretty naughty

Heh, it's a movie quote if that helps. Or maybe not.

Choro: “If so she'll chime in right now, feeling rather embarrassed she just tried to fry a bot that's 1: lightning resistant, 2: rare, and 3: potentially willing to help them.”
Doc: “I imagine that Everfrost's first encounter with Equestrian robots will end up this way, minus the embarrassed part.”

Viridia: “My cockney archers have doubled since the last time we met.”
GM: “Got to put money in whatever credit union they're being stored, then, if they're doubling.”

Viridia: “I like this robot. I just feel a spark between us.”
Doc: “Ooh, so bonus damage lightning balls fueled with the power of Friendship?”
Viridia: “I'm pretty sure the damage bonus is static.”

Choro: “I'll see what I can do about... everything. Sorry we attacked you.”
Doc: “Technically it threatened us first. It only parlayed after it got its rear chassis handed to it.”

Moon: “I don't think we'll find the master server or whatever in the meat storage.”

GM: “The robot replied, its voice warbling slightly at some points as it apparently had a stroke.”

[Joe the Rat]

The first thing I imagine was a bunch of Mimics pretending to be rowboats... then I realized this isn't DnD.

Spoiler: What a marvelous idea

Show

*reads comment*
*eyes White Plume Mountain*
*grins*

[Beacon of Chaos]

From Session 0:

DM: I'd like you to play a Kender.

AUUGHHHHH! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

Edit:

Buster: "Cry some more!" *opens fire*
Sypher: "Time to try out this new chassis. Arming weapon systems..."
Rivit: "Fire the b**b missiles!"
Dealer: Why would you even install those?
Rivit: Why wouldn't I install those?

Spoiler: Image

Show

---

Yukari: I think this plan was poorly thought out.
Bruce: I thought it was Chicken Tonight.

Bruce: I'll go invisible, scout out the area, then give you a hand signal when it's clear.
Kula: Hand signal? When you're invisible?
Bruce: ...Oh right.

Yukari: The power of love is nothing compared to the power of a shotgun!
Bruce: Amen!

Tamamo-no-Mae: Yes, I suppose I'll have to get the other guards. They're not as loyal as the others, they require much more training. I picked them up after I took over the place, you see? But I think that-
Yukari: You would be amazed- simply amazed- at how little I care.

Yukari: I think I'll come back to Hell for my holidays.
Kula: Helladays.

GM: There are a few odd things, like skeleton guards-
Yukari: Really? After all the stuff we've seen, the skeletons are odd?
Kula: Yeah, skeletons are pretty normal at this point. Now, the demonic fire chickens on the other hand...

Storm Dragon: It seems we are at an impasse and believe me, I've seen many an impasse in my time.
Yukari: Are you talking about the one with the eyeball instead of a butthole?

GM: Next session: A birthday party... in Hell!

Kula: I just can't believe that a cave woman, a gangster, and a half-demon ninja just managed to Undertale their way through Hell.

[Geigan]

Player 2: "Ok, so we're done helping these people."
Player 1: "Yep. We've helped take this city back for the ghouls."
Player 2: "Wait, what?"
Everyone Else: "YES! He didn't notice!"
Player 2: "What?!"
Player 1: "Don't worry about it. It was all in a dream."
Player 2: "WHAT?!"

[Gallade]

"You're 15 feet tall. I have two swords and a grappling hook. WE WERE MEANT TO DO THIS REFERENCE!"
"Wait a second, you're supposed to kill US, not each other."

"You have exterminated everyone in a half mile's radius. Pity you also broke such a nice boulder in two as well."

"I get a lightbulb on my head! Except it's not a lightbulb, it's a flame. And it comes from my hair. My hair's on fire. Crap!"

"I'm off to the Dragon Tail to save my sister!"
"Do you know where that is?"
"......I'm off to a random direction to save my sister!"

"Yeah, that big half-dragon guy? He's basically a horrid abomination created while trying to turn people into dragons. And since he has my sister's blood transfused in him and he's also gone demented from the mutation shock he kinda knows me and agreed not to attack us. Try making sense of that."

[Gideon Falcon]

"I roll to not drool."
Dice: 8
"I drool everywhere."

[MasterMercury]

"You're 15 feet tall. I have two swords and a grappling hook. WE WERE MEANT TO DO THIS REFERENCE!"
"Wait a second, you're supposed to kill US, not each other."

"

What reference? I really want to know.

[Beacon of Chaos]

What reference? I really want to know.

I would guess Attack on Titan?

[DuctTapeKatar]

What reference? I really want to know.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbaz5gwtQOA

sorry i just had to

[Gallade]

The Barbarian is shoving a goblin off a boat. As a desperate measure, as his Attack of opportunity, the little green guy eeps and points his short sword at him.
The attack hits and is a confirmed critical. As the Barbarian thrusts his arms forwards, he gets both his hands impaled on the sword, he manages to push off the goblin but he now has slits in his hands big enough to pass a finger through.
Ninja:"Jesus @#§*^ing Christ!"
Barbarian:"Please tell me that's not going to be my nickname now."

[bulbaquil]

GM: "You fall 13d6 feet."

P5: "...and I do 4d8 damage."
GM: "Okay, so how much damage is that?"
P5: "4d8."
P1: "...You have to roll the dice."

[Guizonde]

GM: "You fall 13d6 feet."

P5: "...and I do 4d8 damage."
GM: "Okay, so how much damage is that?"
P5: "4d8."
P1: "...You have to roll the dice."

was your player stoned at that time? i saw it happen once, my teammate answered "i hit for 2d10 impact damage". "what'd you roll?" "uh, i forgot to roll..."

as an aside:

dm: "you hit for overkill damage...."
me: "can i roll for the exact damage?"
enlil: "we don't have enough d10's by at least a multiple of 10 for that, edward..."
dm: "everyone vote: last time edward uses nukes?"
team: "depends on what you're throwing at us. she's our plan c..."
dm: "EDWAAAAAAAAARD!!"
me: *giggles maniacally*

(we figured we need at least 650 d10's for that particular feat of violence... it was beautiful in a michael bay kind of subtle)

[DigoDragon]

Sniper Scope: "Just a thought, but maybe 'Primrose' for Partial Charge's call sign?"
GM: "But guys! A pony nicknamed 'Love' going to fight Chrysalis! Just think of it."
Rose Croix: "Isn't that like fighting a fox with a rotisserie chicken?"

[DeTess]

Shadowrun 5:

DM: you successfully place the Data-bomb. How much damage do these do?
me: *Looks it up in the PHB* Rating x d6, so 5d6 in this case.
DM: ... You're joking, right?
Me: Nope, that's what it says right here *shows paragraph*.
DM: but..., but... This is Shadowrun, Nothing does xdx amounts of damage.
Me: well, this one does, apparently.
DM *sighs and mutters comment about Shadowrun needing some fething editors*

[Gallade]

Cavalier: "You have one second to explain why you were sleeping under my bed"
(Aranea disguised as a) Wizard: "Because I couldn't get on top of it, you were already sleeping there. Duh."
(Wizard gets splatted on a wall)


Same Cavalier as before: "There are three things you just don't @#§* with: my reputation, my camel and my wife!"
(Rest of the party stares at him)
Cavalier: "Er, not necessarily in that order."

[ZeroGear]

Buster: "Don't worry, we're downhill! They can't catch us!"
Skeletons: "GATTAI!"
Dealer: Those of you looking back see one of the skeletons jumps on the back of another, followed by more starting to cling to each other. As you watch, the army of skeletons chasing you coalesces into a single entity now rolling after you.
Nyfe: "Oh please no."
Dealer: Remember your old friend Skeleton Ball?

Sypher: "What kind of nutcase mixes skeletons with motorcycle tires?"
Rivit: "The kind that's played way too much Dark Souls."

Wyzz: "What happened to you?"
Buster: "The door tried to eat me."

Nyfe: "Quick, get in!"
Sypher: "Is that an ambulance?"
Rivit: "Where the heck did you get that?"
Nyfe: "Not important, just get in!"
Rivit: "Move over, I'm driving."
Buster: "What's wrong with the way I drive?"
Rivit: "You drive like a maniac! You'll probably hit someone!"
Nyfe: "If we do we'll just load them in the back."

Nyfe: "We got you now Solvo, give up!"
Solvo: "I wouldn't be so sure. ARISE MY SKELEBEASTS!"
Rivit: "Your...what?"
Dealer: As Solvo shouts his command, the earth beneath you starts to shake. Cracks give way as the ground splits apart while skeletal beings rise. Shaking their way from their earthen prison, five bony forms tower over you: the Skeletal Elephant, the Skeletal Rhinoceros, the Skeletal Lion, the Skeletal Gorilla, and the Skeletal Bison.
Wyzz: "...we're boned."
Solvo: "Not yet."

Buster: *enters in power armor* "Prepare to kiss your beasts goodbye!"
Solvo: "Not quite yet, I've still got one more trick up my sleeve!"
Wyzz: "Oh god, is he going to...?"
Solvo: "SkeleBeasts: COMBINE!"
*Group watches as the five beasts combine into a giant skeleton mecha*
Wyzz: "Called it!"

[scalyfreak]

Sypher: "What kind of nutcase mixes skeletons with motorcycle tires?"
Rivit: "The kind that's played way too much Dark Souls."
1

That one made me laugh.

[goto124]

Rose Croix: "Isn't that like fighting a fox with a rotisserie chicken?"

I have an idea for a new Legend of Zelda creature...

Sypher: "What kind of nutcase mixes skeletons with motorcycle tires?"
Rivit: "The kind that's played way too much Dark Souls."

Apparently, the author of KSBD plays too much Dark Souls.

[Inevitability]

Apparently, the author of KSBD plays too much Dark Souls.

Aw, you beat me to it.

[Lord Raziere]

Apparently, the author of KSBD plays too much Dark Souls.

Apparently so do the authors of Warhammer 40,000. years before Dark Souls existed.

[DigoDragon]

Doc: “Don't worry, I'll wash my hands before handling any wounds.”
Bertly: “Hands? Are you an ape?”
Doc: “I might of been a griffon in a past life, I'm not sure.”

Strata: “Are you sure you're not under some mind control spell or anything?”
Doc: “Um, if I were under one would I even know?”
Bertly: “That's something a changeling would say.”

Viridia: “How come when we need an authority on magic roaches, everyone's got an opinion, but the best I got for my magic sword was 'I dunno, stab something with it'?”

Choro: “Apologies for Choro not thanking Doc.”
Doc: “Choro can thank Doc by not getting killed in this facility.”

[Lord Gehnvaar]

Me: I find it best to always tackle your problems head on
Thief: I think ramming our ship onto theirs is a bit too literal

[Joe the Rat]

NEW CAMPAIGN!

FX Halfling: OOC: Ooh, you should play guitar!
Minotaur Comedian: OOC: And I can hit people with it!
Pat the Kender: OOC: You should have an Axe that's an Axe!
FX Halfling: OOC: Oh Like Marceline! An axe shaped guitar.
Pat the Kender: OOC: Actually that's her dad's battle-axe that she turned into a bass.
FX Halfling: OOC: *gives Pat the "how do you old people know this" look*


DM:FX, I'd like you to write about your intergalactic unicorn smuggling experience.
Minotaur Comedian: Some of those might have just been llamas with horns glued on...


Pat the Kender: Can I rig 34 slings into a ten-foot pole?

[goto124]

Doc: “Don't worry, I'll wash my hands before handling any wounds.”
Bertly: “Hands? Are you an ape?”
Doc: “I might of been a griffon in a past life, I'm not sure.”

Once, my RP partner used the wrong colors for his PC's speech. I mentioned that "PC was so angry, he changed voices!"

Strata: “Are you sure you're not under some mind control spell or anything?”
Doc: “Um, if I were under one would I even know?”
Bertly: “That's something a changeling would say.”

Wow, that synth... changeling test was terrible :D