Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[TheYell]

Greysun: Firuz, issue a challenge!

Firuz: I demand trial by combat!

Executioner: You get trial by axe.


Firuz: I pray to Irori.

GM: Go ahead.

Firuz: Oh. Er. Oh Irori, I'm the only one out here who worships you, so that's gotta count for something. Also, you saw Iomedae deliver for her paladin, so it's time to step up.

GM: *rolls* Damn. Well, a bolt of lightning hits the executioner's raised axe, and he vanishes, leaving a pair of smoking boots.

[Gallade]

"Goblins are cute and you can't say otherwise. I'm going to adopt every single one of them I find. And by adopt, I mean knock out, tie up and carry in my backpack."

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

"...Swear to all holyness I didn't mean to make that pun."

Subconsciously I think we all actually do.

During a short stint as a GM, one of my players gave an NPC a reverse eye piercing. He'd asked for the left eye, but I ruled the arrow to take the right one instead.

Eh, 50/50 shot (Or is it 20/20?). Couldn't get much better odds than that. ;)

Ah, a typical DnD experience. That session must've been a wild ride

Us players have all been veterans to D&D for some time now (half of us can trace our roots back to D&D 1e). However, we've all agreed that our GM has likely never played with such a competent group before. Because he complained that the party monk is OP for increasing his AC to 24 at sixth level by way of Shield of Faith, Combat Expertise, and fighting defensively (D&D 3.5).

I literally watched this one day before I read this quote. Weird.

Heh, small world. :D

Dealer: As you ask that question, you see a roomba come into view.
Sypher: "This sucks."

Hee hee, good subtle joke.

Peanut Gallery: *blinks*

This is typically why our Peanut Gallery doesn't ask questions anymore. ;)

"More like eating the next to last cookie, and then eating the last one as well."
"Oh god, that's so evil."

Dang, then I've been evil for the past three packages of cookies.

GM: *rolls* Damn. Well, a bolt of lightning hits the executioner's raised axe, and he vanishes, leaving a pair of smoking boots.

Toasty!

Moon: “I prefer it's luring Moonshadow to its death, because Moonshadow will shoot it in the head.”

Choro: “If they were that bad at mercenary work, they'd be dead.”
Doc: (*picks up Stellar, places her on the evidence table*) “Exhibit A--Stellar Blaze. Single-hoofedly kicked both their plots and disarmed their guns. The two have yet to get their guns back, so unless they had extra bits lying around buy new weapons, they're rather naked at the moment. Well, more naked than usual naked I mean. Naked Gun naked.”

Choro: “It's called efficiency, Doctor. Or did you have a ten foot pole to climb to get up there?”

GM: “I'm sure we'd have very different lists.”
Viridia: “Well, duh. You'd just put everyone in the middle column and ruin all the fun.”

Viridia: “What's wrong with Glorious Dawn? She's nice and the worst she does is increase Nightcore's risk of a heart attack.”
GM: “Also, given that her wife is about six inches thicker at the waist than everyone else in Oakville, her cooking is probably the next evil food-related thing in town right after this factory. Celestia forbid she gets her hooves on an industrial-scale kitchen.”

Moon: “A sub-basement. Why did every ******* place in Equestria need a sub-basement? Only bad things happen in sub-basements.”

Doc: “And this would be time for a Plan B that I didn't think of.”

[Gallade]

"I knock the statue off the pedestal so it falls down on the ground."
"I knew it, you ARE a cat!"

"We are violating a private property here."
"And the owner of this property is violating human rights."
"There...ARE no human rights."
"Then I'll make them up. First thing first, thou shalt not pick up random homeless people and turn them into Claus from Mother 3"

(Talking about a Barbazu)
"A big, red man with a long beard? Is he...Santa?"

"There's something really wrong with someone who wants to pick up cannonballs."

"It's hard to always treat others with kindness."
"No it's not. Just name your weapon of choice 'Kindness' and you're all set."

[HalfTangible]

Ronthor: Ah yes, the trials!... I'm supposed to give you advice.
P1: ...
Ronthor: ...
P1: Well?
Ronthor: I forgot. What advice do you want to hear?
P1: Don't be a moron.
Ronthor: Ah, yes! Good advice! Don't be a moron.

He then said 'don't be a moron' to everyone who tried to go through the trials. It was hilarious.

[OctoberRaven]

Talia: "This Dwarf beside me, 'e has been given gifts from the Valar themselves tae fight the shadow. Tha' lad there, he's slain countless orcs, with the Sindar's aid tae. The other manfolk, I've seen 'im gut a drake. And we've all resisted the call of the Shadow when it saught tae esnare us in the form of an aptrgangr. If we have darkness in us, we overcome it."

Context:

Spoiler

Show

Convincing a crazy angel to help the party by Patrick Stewarting it to submission.

Aptrgangr = Her people's word for Vampire.

[Gallade]

Warforged Girl: "Who are you? What are you doing in my room?"
Alchemist:"Well, uuuhh...we're your..."
Vigilante:"Nanny."
Slayer:"Guardian."
Alchemist:"Physician!"
Paladin:"...father's killer."
(Silence)
Paladin:"I have an oath of sincerity, okay?"
Petrifern:"Groot!"

[DigoDragon]

Hologram Server: “This station is able to create foods on demand, along with providing refreshing beverages.”
Moon: “That's fascinating. So would you be able to provide a dish that's rich in explosive material?”
Hologram Server: “That'll be three Taco Bell Burrito Supremes and a medium coke. $8.99, please drive up to the first window, thank you.”

Doc: *puts Choro on the table*
Doc: *turns to where Choro was standing*
Doc: *realizes she's on the table and turns back*

Viridia: “Don't call me ‘effective Initiative is 8’ or ‘agility score to it’, you bigot!”

Choro: “Bah! We're ponies! Friendship comes before the fourth wall!”

Viridia: “Please give me your initiative and I will send you pictures of completely nude words. Just to sweeten the pot... Horizon.”
Stellar: “Sure, always a sucker for naked words.”
Doc: “Who's getting the other 15?”
Viridia: “I'm not sending any of my nude words to dudes!”
Doc: “That's... fine. I don't need the nudes. I just want the 15 initiative.”
Viridia: “I only just got my 15! You can have it when I'm done with it.”

[Necroticplague]

"O.k, seriously? I get there's a small chance of anything happening, but 535 times in a row? that's a near-impossibility."
-A king bemoaning their lifelong streak on only daughters and no sons.

[Miltonian]

Love: (shouting over the gunfire) Don't let this dissuade you from a peaceful solution. We're still open to negotiating despite our apparent lack of intent.
(Begins firing as well) How are you doing?

[Gallade]

"The road to peace will be paved with corpses."
"You mean that literally, don't you."
"I don't see another way through the pit, and it's not like leaving them rotting here will be of any use."

[goto124]

Paladin:"I have an oath of sincerity, okay?"

Is that a step-up from a Vow of Truth?

Moon: “That's fascinating. So would you be able to provide a dish that's rich in explosive material?”
Hologram Server: “That'll be three Taco Bell Burrito Supremes and a medium coke. $8.99, please drive up to the first window, thank you.”

"But we don't even have a car!"

Sorry for your Taco Bell experience

Doc: *puts Choro on the table*
Doc: *turns to where Choro was standing*
Doc: *realizes she's on the table and turns back*

Ever told someone you lost your phone while talking to them on your phone?

Viridia: “I'm not sending any of my nude words to dudes!”

I've been wondering about Viridia's orientation for a bit... but there's a lack of stallions as per the MLP world, Doc's engaged, and V utterly hates Thanatos, so I haven't got much in the way of emprical evidence.

[Gallade]

Is that a step-up from a Vow of Truth?

Nope, it's just worded so it sounds like you're a better person instead of only upholding it to get more magical goodies from your goddess.

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses

Show

Ever told someone you lost your phone while talking to them on your phone?

This almost happened to a friend of mine. Phone rang, couldn't find it, phone was in his pocket the entire time.

I've been wondering about Viridia's orientation for a bit... but there's a lack of stallions as per the MLP world, Doc's engaged, and V utterly hates Thanatos, so I haven't got much in the way of emprical evidence.

I'm pretty sure Viridia is only into mares, as evident when she said it was a shame upon learning Dr. Tenaculum was a stallion.

Choro: “Why do robots hate Choro? That's two crits, in this room.”

Viridia: “I think the big one likes me. And by likes me, I mean is shooting FLESH-SEARING PLASMA AT MY FACE!”
Choro: (*her rad suit is half melted off*) “They haven't singled you out, don't worry!”

Doc: “One shot of Feelgood, coming right up.”
Viridia: “I hope that's the name of some medicine.”

Stellar: “I'm fine. None of them managed to hit me.”
Viridia: “If we weren't all dressed in radiation suits, I could totally turn that into some dirty quip.”
Strata: “This is the absolute worst place to make sex jokes.”
Viridia: “I think the worst place to make sex jokes is 'In front of Strata, when she's grumpy'.”

Stellar: “Doc Vs Choro. Thumb war!”

Viridia: “Did we ever discuss Choro channeling her lightning through Viridia for a Super Mega Ultra Super Sexy Ultra Awesome Transformation Sequence Saiyan?”
Doc: “I don't think this was discussed before, but you have my attention.”

[ZeroGear]

SHort session today. Was funny nonetheless.

Rivit: "Maintenance, maybe your body's in here."
Dealer: As you open the door, you see several roombas docked at their charging stations.
Rivit & Sypher: *wide grins*
Dealer: This can't end well.

Dealer: As you round the corner, you notice several minions standing around a table while one dressed like a priest seems to be blessing several hand grenades.
Buster & Wyzz: *turn to look at Nyfe*
Nyfe: "What?"

Rivit: *rides in on a swarm of roombas* "Hey guys!"
Nyfe: "Rivit! Where's Sypher?"
Rivit: *points to roombas*
Sypher: *from every roomba* "WE ARE LEGION!"

[Gallade]

"This mask fills my mind with an unimaginable wealth of knowledge! Now I can be omniscient! Where to begin...oh, right. Mask! TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT CABBAGE FARMING!"

"Oh god they're getting engaged. And they're going to make babies! SPIDER BABIES!I'd wish I was blind but I ALREADY AM!"

[TheYell]

"It's OK, my god started the killing"

[Gallade]

[DigoDragon]

Sypher: *from every roomba* "WE ARE LEGION!"

Eh, I've used those things. The situation is anything but sucking.


Choro: “Yay! Choro can go back to envying the Lodge all their cool gear.”

Viridia: “And, on the list of 'folk likely to make a bunch of cannibal minions', a wizard is pretty high up there.”
Choro: “I just was tempted to go off on Viridia for saying a wizard might have done this.”
Doc: “How do we know the Mage Guild didn't accidentally start this factory up in Safe Murder Mode and they wrangled us to go fix their mistake?”
Choro: “But... they're wizards! If they did something like that, they'd fix it!”
Doc: “I think 'sending a group of deniable assets' is what they're doing to fix it.”

Stellar: “Your first shot had better be good, because you won't get a second!”

Doc: “’Chunk’ may describe this armed pony's brains if he keeps pointing that gun at Stellar.”

Viridia: “And, aye aye. Viridia is totally fine with dismembering Thanatos, just by the way. You don't trust anybody with that name.”

Thanatos: “Given that you just destroyed six robots in less than three minutes—”
Stellar: “Twenty seconds. Technically it was less than twenty seconds. Got bored. Decided just to squash all resistance.”

[Gallade]

"Stop asking me if I saw that, this f@#&ing fog is everywhere!"
"Can't you smell their blood, Trund?"
"It's IN MY FACE, I've been smelling their blood for the entire fight!"

"Phew, and that should be all the organs back in my mount's belly."
(CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK)
"Oh hey tin cans, you missed...well, pretty much everything."

"I don't care if you stick your nose in books all day, kill devils or fight dragons, I'll always think of you as a hero. Though the part where you decapitated Santa was sooo cool and thinking about it is kinda making me want to make love right now?"

[Beacon of Chaos]

Kula: What if the Pope was from Birmingham though?

GM: You were expecting all this cool sci-fi stuff, but nope! It was Vogons.

GM: The following day you figure out how to turn the radio off.

GM: They moved underground because the atmosphere of the planet was so poluted that the surface was becoming an unlivable wasteland.
Yukari: So, like Detroit.

Kula: You think they got the decor from The Price is Right?

[Gallade]

"The ancient queen who is also a musical rainbow snake angel who lives in my sash has something to tell you."

[Inevitability]

DM: So wait, you guys are all playing casters? I don't see any way in which that could go wrong.

DM: Now this cantrip allows you to alter dirt and rock in specific ways, such as excava...
Player: So it's earthbending? I choose it.

[Gallade]

"We have to emotionally manipulate our adopted robot daughter into loving us. I need a good speech for that."
"Well...try watching the last 10 minutes of a movie with Robin Williams, there are usually some good ones there.Or Doctor Who works too."
"What if she goes berserk on us?"
"Then you bring out the big guns. I'm talking about 'Ohana means family' levels of sappiness here."

[Inevitability]

DM: Unfortunately, the town store does not stock giant physics-defying yo-yos.

[JAL_1138]

Bard: Can I take instrument proficiency in the Great Stalacpipe Organ of Luray Cavern?
DM: Other than that it isn't portable and that Luray Cavern doesn't exist in the setting, so you'll never really get to play it, sure, go for it. Maybe you could invent it or something eventually.
Bard: Ok, what about the otamatone?
DM: No. You may not.

[Guizonde]

dm:"no guizonde! under pain of defenestration, you are NOT telling the bard about halfling war kazoos or battle vuvuzelas! you know the guy as well as i do! you know what he'd do!"
me:"puppy eyes until you said yes?"
dm:"puppy eyes until i said yes"
me:"*puppy eyes* can i have a shotgun in pathfinder?"
dm:"you can't really see those behind your sunglasses, so i'll say NO!"
me:*string of colorful expletives*

(i wear medical sunglasses. seeing in the dark is a pain in real life*

[goto124]

Eh, I've used those things. The situation is anything but sucking.

I see the pun!

Thanatos: “Given that you just destroyed six robots in less than three minutes—”
Stellar: “Twenty seconds. Technically it was less than twenty seconds. Got bored. Decided just to squash all resistance.”

Ah, going back to good ol' PC roots.

(i wear medical sunglasses. seeing in the dark is a pain in real life*

Stick googly eyes on them to emulate puppy eyes.

Well... maybe not your medical sunglasses. Swap out for a cheaper pair.

[Gallade]

"She was a spider all along! How could we not see the signs?"
"Well, she did walk on walls and ceilings."
"I thought she was just a really good climber!"
"...And blocked an entire doorway with a web."
"Big deal, any wizard can do that."
"...and she bit that drow's arm and it started melting"
"I think we were busy looting there."
"And her name was Silky..."
"Not that unusual."
"And she made a living selling silk rolls she somehow always had on her"
"Okay, that was a bit..."
"And when you got hitched she started calling you Lovebug"
"...how do you know that?"
"Invisibility lets you see a lot. Most of that is stuff I'd gladly unsee."

[Rynjin]

""Oh, uh, yeah... Totally, his ghost. And he's pissed..." Eben says, tossing an illusion of ghostly moaning coming from the kitchen as he exerts himself pushing on the cow's emaciated, bony rump in an effort to extract her from further chaos. Somehow, the three adventurers and their cow emerge into daylight."

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'Farrukh is brutal fighter, mercenary. If scenario hits red levels, may be possible to turn him against own side. Simple form, but complicated fighting style makes impractical for switchup.' A newer note here reads, 'Do not get between Al'Khatel and wall.'

-An excerpt from a dossier on our party found on the corpse of a creature who got between my character and a wall. RIP.