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    Firbolg in the Playground
     
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    Default Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Welcome to the Relationship Woes and Advice thread, home of any questions you may have: romantic or familial or friendship, we'll answer (or try to answer) them all. Eight years old and growing. This isn't a trade economy- feel free to ask if you have a question, even if you haven't ever given advice and don't intend to start. We won't stone you or ignore you or anything. All we ask is to know how a situation ends up, either in this thread or through a PM.

    List of people with opened PM boxes:

    -Asteron Questar
    -Anyone else who wants to be added to the list


    Here are the basics.

    The biggest bit of advice I've seen bandied around is the truest- no matter what else is true about the situation, always be yourself. It's no good to act like someone else, because eventually the true you will come out and the other person will not be happy you hid that from them.

    Rules Of Relationships:
    #1- Communicate. If you can't talk with your partner, it's probably not going to work.

    #2- Be yourself. Admittedly, if you have some really bad habits you should probably try to change them, but be honest about who you are. No one wants to find out they were loving a lie, and no one likes to live a lie (...well, normally).

    #3- Accept your partner. In mine, and other people's, experience you have to be able to accept your partner as they are, because they probably won't be able to change. Also, don't change drastically for someone. I've tried it, my friends have tried it, it doesn't work and it doesn't end pretty.

    #4- Hints. Do. Not. Work. Or they might, but the chance of that happening is limited. Some people are like me and just utterly oblivious unless it is blatantly stated, others are (also like me) and don't want to assume, and yet others don't care. You won't know which they belong to unless you actually spell out your intentions and/or feelings. I would consider this a corrolery to Rule #1 except that it comes up so often. Do NOT assume someone should know something from hints. Hints, by nature, are subtle. Clue Bats/Crow Bars/Mack Trucks are not. Try hitting them with one of those. ;) (No, not literally. I mean be upfront if you are trying to get someone to know something.)

    #5- Don't be desperate. You don't need to be in a relationship and the healthiest mindset is one where you are happy as you are, even if you do not have a significant other. Don't stay in a relationship that isn't good if you aren't happy, just because you want someone. This is detrimental to both parties in the long (and sometimes short) run.

    #6- Be a couple. Set aside some time every week to be together. Just an hour, if nothing else, where it's JUST you two. No computer, no others. Just the couple.

    #6.5- Maintain the relationship. Ask your partner every now and then how they are feeling, if they feel like the relationship is still going in a good direction, etc. Also, make sure you don't hide it if you have an issue with your partner or a relationship. The only way it can change is if you talk about it.

    #7- Let your boundaries be known. This goes for everything from intimacy to what you consider cheating to any other thing you can think of. Pretty much if it's something that would possibly upset you or your partner, let them know BEFORE a problem arises. An example would be letting your partner know you consider kissing cheating. They very well might think only intercourse is cheating. Having that known before anything potentially happens is a good thing.

    #8- Know the signs of an abusive relationship. Both men and women can be abusers, and if you recognize the signs early on you are more likely to be able to get out of a bad situation before it gets out of hand. It's never easy, but if you know the general red flags, it can help you to avoid the situation.

    A list - courtesy of Pheehelm

    RULES. YOU READ THESE.
    -Anything of a sexual nature, please PM to either myself or one of the regular advice givers. If you just want general opinions post something like: "I have this problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?" I know from experience that you will in fact get help.

    -KEEP IT NICE. Disagreements are bound to happen, but please don't be rude.

    -Joking is all fun and games, within reasons. Please do not get derogatory.

    -We are not allowed to dispense advice that should be handled by a professional, including psychological or medical advice.

    I decided to put this up because, evidently, it was not apparent that these should be followed. I do not want this thread to be scrubbed again, and we were blessed to get it back.

    So please - play nice, and if you're not comfortable talking about things over the open board, PM one of the regulars (too many to mention), and I'm sure they'll be willing to lend an ear - or if you're not sure who to PM, post asking for someone to PM you, and you'll soon get a response.

    -Syka


    Spoiler: Previous Threads
    Show

    -Relationship Woes and Advice XXVII: Sarcasm Will Not Be Tolerated
    -Relationship Woes and Advice XXVI. Status: It's Complicated
    -Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine
    -Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vice versa.
    -Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again
    -Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solution
    -Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping
    -Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
    -Relationship Woes and Advice 19: Whatever Lola Wants.
    -Relationship Woes and Advice 18: Finally Legal in Hollywood
    -Relationship Woes and Advice 17: natural numbers
    -Relationship Woes and Advice: Sweet Sixteen
    -Relationship Woes and Advice: 15-Love
    -Relationship Woes and Advice: A Sleepless Fortnight
    -Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier
    -In the 12th Relationship Woes and Advice Thread, my true friend gave to me...
    -Relationship Woes and Advice - X (but not the factor)
    -Relationship Woes and Advice, The Bridge Across Forever
    -Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator
    -Relationship Woes and Advice, 2 cubed
    -Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga
    -Relationship Woes & Advice, Sex (6, you dirty minds!)
    -Relationship Woes & Advice, Part V
    -Relationship Woes and Advice, Part IV
    -Relationships Woes & Advice III (Read First Post)
    -Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)
    -Relationship Woes and Advice (read the first post, please)
    Yes, there is no thread 11, but there is 9.5. That's what makes it special.



    We have a sister thread in Personal Woes and Advice, which is suited for any woes you may have with things unrelated to relationships.
    Last edited by Aedilred; 2017-06-06 at 02:21 PM.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    The link to the last thread in the OP is broken.
    Nothing to see here, move along.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Figured I'd head over here for maybe some parent advice.

    Basically, the problem I'm having with my mother right now is that she tends to be very absolute, and tends to do what I call "everything is about everything."

    "Everything is about everything" is when arguments tend to turn from specific issues to general cases of dissatisfaction. So for example, she thinks I have too many tights and that my tights drawer is "crammed full." I said something along the lines of how I don't think it's that full (everything is in an organizer), I like having a variety of tights, and I don't want to work on cleaning up that particular drawer. This turns into a thing about how I never care about organization and act like I can just come in and throw my stuff everywhere and don't wash my bedding often enough and don't spend enough time helping around the house.

    There's also a lot of absolute stuff. Like asking her "can you ease back on how much you're complaining about Dad to me, especially right after I've gotten up" becomes "you just want me to hide all my feelings and act like nothing's wrong." Or "I'm happy to help out but I don't like that you decided I was going to be doing dinner on X nights without even talking to me" becomes "You're completely unwilling to help out with dinners."

    And I'm just not sure what to do here. I feel like I have to either 100% give in or I'm being terrible and awful and completely unreasonable.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Figured I'd head over here for maybe some parent advice.

    Basically, the problem I'm having with my mother right now is that she tends to be very absolute, and tends to do what I call "everything is about everything."

    "Everything is about everything" is when arguments tend to turn from specific issues to general cases of dissatisfaction. So for example, she thinks I have too many tights and that my tights drawer is "crammed full." I said something along the lines of how I don't think it's that full (everything is in an organizer), I like having a variety of tights, and I don't want to work on cleaning up that particular drawer. This turns into a thing about how I never care about organization and act like I can just come in and throw my stuff everywhere and don't wash my bedding often enough and don't spend enough time helping around the house.

    There's also a lot of absolute stuff. Like asking her "can you ease back on how much you're complaining about Dad to me, especially right after I've gotten up" becomes "you just want me to hide all my feelings and act like nothing's wrong." Or "I'm happy to help out but I don't like that you decided I was going to be doing dinner on X nights without even talking to me" becomes "You're completely unwilling to help out with dinners."

    And I'm just not sure what to do here. I feel like I have to either 100% give in or I'm being terrible and awful and completely unreasonable.
    To be entirely blunt. That's the point. It's a rather manipulative way of getting their way. Rather than having an argument they don't want to have, they have an entirely different argument that they can win, and they load it with emotions so you can't argue back properly because you don't want to hurt their feelings.

    Of course, I'm a rather cynical person. So take this with a grain of salt. But that's how it looks to me.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by druid91 View Post
    To be entirely blunt. That's the point. It's a rather manipulative way of getting their way. Rather than having an argument they don't want to have, they have an entirely different argument that they can win, and they load it with emotions so you can't argue back properly because you don't want to hurt their feelings.

    Of course, I'm a rather cynical person. So take this with a grain of salt. But that's how it looks to me.
    Cynicism aside, this was something that came up during my therapy a lot, it's something done to establish control, that doesn't look like control unless you know what to look for. Emotional manipulation can suck, especially when it's the sort that involves "everything is about everything." It can make it a tad difficult to bring up, as I'm sure WarKitty has noticed

    A lot depends on whether the mother knows she's doing this, or if she doesn't realise it. The latter is easier to deal with, in the sense that it means they might at least be willing to change, if you can find a way to point it out.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    What's the best way to approach someone who is in wheelchair?

    Ask about it or ignore it? Which one is rude?
    Quote Originally Posted by Nerd-o-rama View Post
    Excellent Chaotic Evil "roleplaying" The Eye. "The only people responsible for the welfare of or harm dealt to others are people who aren't me."
    "A clear horizon ó nothing to worry about on your plate, only things that are creative and not destructiveÖ I canít bear quarreling, I canít bear feelings between people ó I think hatred is wasted energy, and itís all non-productive." - Alfred Hitchcock

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by The Eye View Post
    What's the best way to approach someone who is in wheelchair?

    Ask about it or ignore it? Which one is rude?
    Generally, what I've heard is to ignore it and talk to them like they weren't in the wheelchair.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Generally, what I've heard is to ignore it and talk to them like they weren't in the wheelchair.
    Ok, gotcha, thanks.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nerd-o-rama View Post
    Excellent Chaotic Evil "roleplaying" The Eye. "The only people responsible for the welfare of or harm dealt to others are people who aren't me."
    "A clear horizon ó nothing to worry about on your plate, only things that are creative and not destructiveÖ I canít bear quarreling, I canít bear feelings between people ó I think hatred is wasted energy, and itís all non-productive." - Alfred Hitchcock

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    @Warkitty
    You never mention how your father reacts in these situations. Does he side with your mother? Does he actively agree with how she behaves and her arguments? Does he remove himself? Is he subjected to the same crap tactics?
    In short, could he be an ally for you? if he can't or won't, try finding someone else who is subjected to the same sort of antics... since it works so well with you, I think it highly likely that she'll employ the tactic with others as well. Find that person.
    I mean an ally in a very specific situation, namely you sitting down your mother and calling her out on her manipulative ways.
    I think having a as much as possible frank, open and calm confrontation is your only viable strategy.

    You need to call her out on how she manipulates the conversation and, ultimately your relationship.
    Whether you do this alone, with a family friend, with your father, somewhere in public where she won't make a scene our storm off in a huff, that's up to you.
    Find the most favourable conditions for you to drive home the point and for her not to be in the position to evade and flip the conversation.
    If need be, do this in writing, maybe put your dad/other ally in copy.
    Make it clear that such a protracted pattern of communication from her part is borderline abusive and definitively harmful and negative.
    If it's a live conversation, she'll squirm and use anger and get defensive.
    Ignore that.
    She'll try to turn this on you...tell her she's doing it again, right then and there. Interrupt the conversation until she's ready to listen again and do what you can to point out examples of how this happens every day and how it's a negative pattern that is entirely in her hands and of her making...and how you are not willing to play along anymore. Make it clear that you're removing the power she has over you as long as this is what she does with it.

    Establish ground rules in the communication.
    Take control.
    Tell her you won't accept this behaviour any longer and that the fact that you rely on her for things doesn't change the situation. Some things you owe her. This is not one of them
    It has to stop or you'll walk away from any conversation that goes south that way.
    Find the keys to tie in your ground rules to things that actually matter to her.
    Stand your ground.
    Stop enabling her ability to turn the conversation on you.
    She'll hurt, or pretend to be hurting. Learn to accept that that's a possibility and that it's not on you. She's doing it to herself just as much as you are enabling her to unload on you, which means that that's a thing you are doing to yourself by giving her total control of the conversation.
    Stop doing that.
    Edit.
    By establishing ground rules, I don't necessarily mean that these rules should be agreed upon by your mother our the result of a compromise/negotiation. The rules are for you, to remind yourself to not give in to her ways, not let her control the conversation, and to extricate yourself should she attempt to. She needs to know about these rules so that your future behaviour doesn't come as a surprise, but her agreement our input it's in fact not necessary. The important thing is that you stick to them.

    Ultimately, if she wants a conversation she'll learn to abide by them too
    Last edited by dehro; 2017-06-07 at 05:09 AM.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    To be entirely blunt. That's the point. It's a rather manipulative way of getting their way. Rather than having an argument they don't want to have, they have an entirely different argument that they can win, and they load it with emotions so you can't argue back properly because you don't want to hurt their feelings.
    This. Sad to say it, but this doesn't sound cynical at all to me, considering the situation that was described.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Hi-
    Dehro has a good point, which I bolded for emphasis. Is there someone you can ally with to help direct the much needed conversation away from the "everything about everything" pattern? My personal suggestion would be find an older (your mother's generation or older) female relative or friend that you both know and respect to be the moderator as an older person is less likely to trigger the potential kids having a rebellion together reaction on your mother's part.

    -Best of luck

    [QUOTE=dehro;22071153]@Warkitty
    You never mention how your father reacts in these situations. Does he side with your mother? Does he actively agree with how she behaves and her arguments? Does he remove himself? Is he subjected to the same crap tactics?
    In short, could he be an ally for you? if he can't or won't, try finding someone else who is subjected to the same sort of antics... since it works so well with you, I think it highly likely that she'll employ the tactic with others as well. Find that person.
    I mean an ally in a very specific situation, namely you sitting down your mother and calling her out on her manipulative ways.
    I think having a as much as possible frank, open and calm confrontation is your only viable strategy.

    SNIPPED!!!!

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by OACSNY97 View Post
    Hi-
    Dehro has a good point, which I bolded for emphasis. Is there someone you can ally with to help direct the much needed conversation away from the "everything about everything" pattern? My personal suggestion would be find an older (your mother's generation or older) female relative or friend that you both know and respect to be the moderator as an older person is less likely to trigger the potential kids having a rebellion together reaction on your mother's part.
    Eh...Dad kind of takes the "if mom's upset you must have done something" stance. There really isn't anyone else. We're isolated from extended family and there's very few other people involved who are around the family - probably no one I'd say any of us know well enough to get involved.
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    Halfling in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Ick. Sounds like your father is out of the running as the potential ally. Is there a reason (besides geography) you're isolated from the extended family? Can you just work on getting to be friends with one of your parents' siblings? (I really only started appreciating my dad's side of the family as an adult since I was so much younger than most of my cousins and we lived far away from them- fortunately, as adults, the telephone works to maintain family/friends over long distances.) What about someone from your church? Helping families is basically part of your clergyperson's job description and if s/he doesn't feel up to it, will probably know who in the congregation is both able and likely to be willing.


    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Eh...Dad kind of takes the "if mom's upset you must have done something" stance. There really isn't anyone else. We're isolated from extended family and there's very few other people involved who are around the family - probably no one I'd say any of us know well enough to get involved.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    I think I had the most mature break up I've had in my life. This happened a bit ago, but not too long. We discussed our fears and wants, what the future holds for the both of us and so on. Both of us had the same opinion; we're not ready. The feeling of worrying about each other was far too overpowering alongside with the other things. It was taking away so much from being affectionate towards one and other.

    That's that. There was this period of one or two weeks of slight awkwardness, but we're functioning as friends again. It honestly feels weird how smoothly things went; all of my previous break ups have been a ****storm of some sort.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by FinnLassie View Post
    I think I had the most mature break up I've had in my life. This happened a bit ago, but not too long. We discussed our fears and wants, what the future holds for the both of us and so on. Both of us had the same opinion; we're not ready. The feeling of worrying about each other was far too overpowering alongside with the other things. It was taking away so much from being affectionate towards one and other.

    That's that. There was this period of one or two weeks of slight awkwardness, but we're functioning as friends again. It honestly feels weird how smoothly things went; all of my previous break ups have been a ****storm of some sort.
    Bummer that it didn't work out, but it must feel good (if, as you say, a bit weird) to be able to part ways cordially and remain friends.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    Bummer that it didn't work out, but it must feel good (if, as you say, a bit weird) to be able to part ways cordially and remain friends.
    The thing is, I don't particularly feel like it's a bummer. At first it did as both of us were very emotionally invested in this relationship for about 3-4 months, but right now it's kind of a, how should I describe it... it feels alright. I made the right decision. He made the right decision. And it feels good that neither of us have to stress over this anymore.

    Having such a calm parting has actually made it easier to get over it as well. I still sort of lament over certain moments and the euphoria of a relationship, but I know it just wasn't meant to be with him. A year or two ago I would've thought "maybe in the future when we're sorted out we're gonna get back together", but as of now that idea seems so irrational to even think about.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by FinnLassie View Post
    Having such a calm parting has actually made it easier to get over it as well. I still sort of lament over certain moments and the euphoria of a relationship, but I know it just wasn't meant to be with him. A year or two ago I would've thought "maybe in the future when we're sorted out we're gonna get back together", but as of now that idea seems so irrational to even think about.
    That sounds pretty mature, but I just wanna say...

    I think "meant to be together" is bunk. Either the relationship is something that people are in a place to value, and value enough to make work, or it's not. And making a relationship work is work. People think of "commitment" as a nice fluffy word, but it's not. It's a hard word, that promises you'll do the hard work necessary to make it work, even when you don't necessarily want to.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by FinnLassie View Post
    I think I had the most mature break up I've had in my life. This happened a bit ago, but not too long. We discussed our fears and wants, what the future holds for the both of us and so on. Both of us had the same opinion; we're not ready. The feeling of worrying about each other was far too overpowering alongside with the other things. It was taking away so much from being affectionate towards one and other.

    That's that. There was this period of one or two weeks of slight awkwardness, but we're functioning as friends again. It honestly feels weird how smoothly things went; all of my previous break ups have been a ****storm of some sort.
    Sounds like you've grown a bit then. Something to reflect on as a positive development, me thinks.
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    Default I think it said in the rules that you guys expect to know how things work out?

    Hey look, it's me again!

    And I'm still shaking. I've pretty much been crying for the past two hours. (You guys are probably getting an idea of how things are working out already . . .)

    Long story short, because I'm still a little hazy on the details: my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend? Friend? Hopefully still my friend? I don't know what terminology to use right now) thinks that our relationship was getting a little unhealthy because we needed to figure ourselves out a bit more. There weren't many explanations, probably because he was trying to get the point across as quickly and gently as possible.

    So I don't know where we are right now. The words he used with me were "split until further notice" and "go our separate ways until we decide our paths can merge again." The words he used when my brother was (somewhat angrily) grilling him about it were "put on hold for a few weeks" and "I know we can be something but I need to figure some things out." So I don't know. I just know it hurts.

    This has undercut me on quite a few levels. Please, any feedback, any advice, I could probably even take an "I told you so."

    Any other Christians on this thread? There are no words for how much I'd appreciate a private message from any of you, should such people exist.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    I'm not a Christian, but I have recently gone through a breakup where I said similar things (the "for now we should not be together, but I hope in the future we reconnect" part) and, in retrospective, I should not have said them. I mean, I said them because I honestly thought they were true, but looking back I realize it was out of denial.

    What I mean is, I think the healtiest thing for you to do is to treat this as an official and complete breakup. I don't mean it's impossible that you will get back together at some point in the future, but you should definitely not count on that.

    So, it's time for standard breakup procedures. Surround yourself with friends and loved ones whose presence reminds you you're loved. Dedicate yourself to things you like to do, especially things you might have sidelined a bit during your relationship. And, after you give yourself as much time as you need to grieve and let yourself cry and do whatever you do to express your suffering, try as many new things as possible. If you're even a bit extrovert, meet as many new people as possible. You'll probably have to force yourself a bit in the beginning, but it will be worth it.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    In addition, while still being friends is possible (I'm living proof), it might be too painful to be around them so soon after the break up. If so, that's perfectly understandable and healthy. Sometimes a bit of space can help.
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    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    Hey look, it's me again!

    And I'm still shaking. I've pretty much been crying for the past two hours. (You guys are probably getting an idea of how things are working out already . . .)

    Long story short, because I'm still a little hazy on the details: my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend? Friend? Hopefully still my friend? I don't know what terminology to use right now) thinks that our relationship was getting a little unhealthy because we needed to figure ourselves out a bit more. There weren't many explanations, probably because he was trying to get the point across as quickly and gently as possible.

    So I don't know where we are right now. The words he used with me were "split until further notice" and "go our separate ways until we decide our paths can merge again." The words he used when my brother was (somewhat angrily) grilling him about it were "put on hold for a few weeks" and "I know we can be something but I need to figure some things out." So I don't know. I just know it hurts.

    This has undercut me on quite a few levels. Please, any feedback, any advice, I could probably even take an "I told you so."

    Any other Christians on this thread? There are no words for how much I'd appreciate a private message from any of you, should such people exist.
    Will be sending a PM to you soon.
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  23. - Top - End - #23
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    Default Re: I think it said in the rules that you guys expect to know how things work out?

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    Hey look, it's me again!

    And I'm still shaking. I've pretty much been crying for the past two hours. (You guys are probably getting an idea of how things are working out already . . .)

    Long story short, because I'm still a little hazy on the details: my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend? Friend? Hopefully still my friend? I don't know what terminology to use right now) thinks that our relationship was getting a little unhealthy because we needed to figure ourselves out a bit more. There weren't many explanations, probably because he was trying to get the point across as quickly and gently as possible.

    So I don't know where we are right now. The words he used with me were "split until further notice" and "go our separate ways until we decide our paths can merge again." The words he used when my brother was (somewhat angrily) grilling him about it were "put on hold for a few weeks" and "I know we can be something but I need to figure some things out." So I don't know. I just know it hurts.

    This has undercut me on quite a few levels. Please, any feedback, any advice, I could probably even take an "I told you so."

    Any other Christians on this thread? There are no words for how much I'd appreciate a private message from any of you, should such people exist.
    To begin with, I'm very sorry for what is happening to you. I feel for you, and I hope everything works out in the best way possible. Whatever that "best way" might be.

    I second the words of Cozzer: don't get hung up on that hope. If you do get back together, it shouldn't be hard at all. If you don't, however, you'll have been deluding yourself for the whole time, and you'll be in for a world of hurt. You may end up doing things you'll regret, which is naturally not good. If you can, go back to being friends with him. If you need some space, as georgie_leech said, take the opportunity. In fact, the words you said he used seem to be asking for some space to be given. Your mileage may vary, of course.

    It hurts. Of course it does. It hurts because you love him. If it didn't hurt, that would be bad. Hope like hell that it hurts every single damn time. You'll used to the pain, but it'll always hurt.

    Quote Originally Posted by kyoryu View Post
    As far as the other woman... I dunno, but him having feelings for her, and vice versa, is one thing. If he's hanging out with her, especially in a one-on-one situation, that's a pretty huge red flag.
    (emphasis mine)

    Just wanted to take this opportunity to remind everyone involved that people can, and do, hang out in one-on-one situations with people for whom they have no romantic feelings.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Hi guys... Iím kind of in need of support and advice here...

    So, Iím about to leave college, luckily I already got a job and half of my life figured out, I was really happy I moved to my own apartment and was ready to live my own life.

    Then, my parents just got divorced, it's a great thing since my father is kind of an ass and my poor mother had enough of it, he never really helped out at home or did anything nice to anyone.

    But since my mom was the one who build the house they were living(and fighting) for the past years she kind of kicked him out, now he has no place to go and he don't want to live with his own family since they are too far way(In the countryside) and asked if he could live with me, I end up saying yes since... Well he is my father.

    But he still is an ass and is driving me crazy, being judgmental and criticizing everything I do. I can't just kick him out again, but I don't know what to do. he asked to live with me but he is being a jerk to me at my OWN house, this was the moment my life was finally going to start, and I'm being dragged back to this family drama I have no desire of participating. What to do?
    Shamash! The true sun god!

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Shamash View Post
    Hi guys... Iím kind of in need of support and advice here...

    So, Iím about to leave college, luckily I already got a job and half of my life figured out, I was really happy I moved to my own apartment and was ready to live my own life.

    Then, my parents just got divorced, it's a great thing since my father is kind of an ass and my poor mother had enough of it, he never really helped out at home or did anything nice to anyone.

    But since my mom was the one who build the house they were living(and fighting) for the past years she kind of kicked him out, now he has no place to go and he don't want to live with his own family since they are too far way(In the countryside) and asked if he could live with me, I end up saying yes since... Well he is my father.

    But he still is an ass and is driving me crazy, being judgmental and criticizing everything I do. I can't just kick him out again, but I don't know what to do. he asked to live with me but he is being a jerk to me at my OWN house, this was the moment my life was finally going to start, and I'm being dragged back to this family drama I have no desire of participating. What to do?
    Does he want to live with you because he can't afford to live on his own or because he doesn't want to be alone?
    In the first case, help him to pay for a small accomodation somewhere on his own.. expensive but worth it... and it need not be forever... just until he sorts himself out.
    In the second case, it's your house... you are the boss there.. it's up to you to set him straight.
    Tell him clearly that if he can't behave, appreciate what you're doing for him and be supportive, he can find someplace else to go bother people.
    It's tough, but it's the right time to do it.. if you delay it too much, his behaviour will become a habit you learn to live with, but it won't be a nice way to live your life.
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  26. - Top - End - #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    Does he want to live with you because he can't afford to live on his own or because he doesn't want to be alone?
    In the first case, help him to pay for a small accomodation somewhere on his own.. expensive but worth it... and it need not be forever... just until he sorts himself out.
    In the second case, it's your house... you are the boss there.. it's up to you to set him straight.
    Tell him clearly that if he can't behave, appreciate what you're doing for him and be supportive, he can find someplace else to go bother people.
    It's tough, but it's the right time to do it.. if you delay it too much, his behaviour will become a habit you learn to live with, but it won't be a nice way to live your life.
    He claims it's only temporary, but since he got here, two months ago, he hasnít done anything to find his own place. I think he just plans to live here now.
    Last edited by Shamash; 2017-06-12 at 01:28 PM.
    Shamash! The true sun god!

    Praise the sun! \o/

    I also have a DeviantArt now... Most are drafts of my D&D campaigns but if you want to take a look.

  27. - Top - End - #27
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Shamash View Post
    He claims it's only temporary, but since he got here, two months ago, he hasnít done anything to find his own place. I think he just plans to live here now.
    Yeah, it sounds like it's time to start laying down ground rules.

    To be quite blunt, he is an adult. It's his responsibility to house and feed and clothe himself. Is there some particular reason he cannot do this?

    If he is able to take care of himself, set ground rules. If you like, some of these rules might be that he has to make X amount of progress on figuring out how to support himself.

    Fair warning - if you do decide you have to kick him out, make sure you do some research into your local laws before doing so. A lot of places (at least in the U.S.) there can be legal pitfalls if you don't do it right that could come back to haunt you pretty badly.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Shamash View Post
    He claims it's only temporary, but since he got here, two months ago, he hasnít done anything to find his own place. I think he just plans to live here now.
    As long as you are living in my house, old man, you are going to live by my rules!

    Look, end of the line, he is your father. If you believe him that he has no alternative, then you shouldn't kick him out unless he is really an abusive a-h or something very close to it. But you have to make yourself respected, it really is your house and he lives there under your good grace, so lay down your terms and make him follow them.

    Including, if you so desire, that he HAS to be looking for an alternative as soon as he can.
    Nothing to see here, move along.

  29. - Top - End - #29
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Yay for ground rules and boundaries.

    And if he can't deal with those, then that's like kind of the definition of abusive.

  30. - Top - End - #30
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Xapi View Post
    As long as you are living in my house, old man, you are going to live by my rules!

    Look, end of the line, he is your father. If you believe him that he has no alternative, then you shouldn't kick him out unless he is really an abusive a-h or something very close to it. But you have to make yourself respected, it really is your house and he lives there under your good grace, so lay down your terms and make him follow them.

    Including, if you so desire, that he HAS to be looking for an alternative as soon as he can.
    I essentially agree with this. Family is family, after all, and that means a pretty high level of commitment . . . which cuts both ways. He's making quite a large demand on you. To try to mitigate the difficulties he presents you with is not only his obligation as your family member, it is his obligation as a human being: we should treat each other decently. We have to at least try. If he has no other place to go right now, fine, but if you want him out of your house then he has to find a way to get out. Soon.

    First try at giving advice, hopefully this helps somewhat.

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