Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

[jay103]

Eh, mostly your standard ihop and such.

Honestly, ihop sounds pretty good :)

Particularly if it's KNOWN that there's not much around. If you suggest something potentially lame, in an environment where there are a lot of better options, you could come across as lame yourself. If that's what's available, go with it. Do it ironically if necessary :) Lets you start a conversation about what better options there might be, as well.

[WarKitty]

Honestly, ihop sounds pretty good :)

Particularly if it's KNOWN that there's not much around. If you suggest something potentially lame, in an environment where there are a lot of better options, you could come across as lame yourself. If that's what's available, go with it. Do it ironically if necessary :) Lets you start a conversation about what better options there might be, as well.

Long-distance. I know the area, he doesn't.

Also, seeing as I've joined the gitp matchmaking set, nerdy activities are a plus.

[Chen]

Long-distance. I know the area, he doesn't.

Also, seeing as I've joined the gitp matchmaking set, nerdy activities are a plus.

Past midnight there's probably not all that much going on except nightclubs, bars or restaurants of some sort. Now depending on where you live there may be some nerdy activities. There are a number of board game pubs in Montreal that are open as late as any bar (3 am ish) where you can play board games while having a drink. I think there are one or two escape room places that are open a bit later too but rarely too much past midnight.

Staying in and playing a board game or watching a movie is probably the simplest when you're talking awkward times of night/morning. Maybe not for a first date (security issues and all) but after a couple this is probably the best bet for odd hours.

[Crow]

So this is a more lighthearted one.

What does one do on dates at night? I'm on night shift, and date is on very late hours, but that leaves the question of what that's not a bar is open at 2am.

Steal art.

[Amazon]

So this is a more lighthearted one.

What does one do on dates at night? I'm on night shift, and date is on very late hours, but that leaves the question of what that's not a bar is open at 2am.

Bring down the patriarchy or maybe a tea party

In a serious note, it really depends, the idea is to spend time and interact, that can be done while eating, walking, watching some movies or playing video games.

[Florian]

So this is a more lighthearted one.

What does one do on dates at night? I'm on night shift, and date is on very late hours, but that leaves the question of what that's not a bar is open at 2am.

Good question. The joints that are up and serving at that time are... well... let's say culturally handicapped and the clientele is not the bast backdrop for a date.

Last time I asked somebody out who was working night shift back then, I made sure that it'll be on a full moon night, scouted out a good place a good place at the city harbor that I knew was free of trouble, brought some LED faux candles, one of those one-use grills, some good foodstuff and whine (i.e. frozen lobster tails, herbed butter, some good sour-dough baguette and a NZ chardonnay) and a selection of movies and music on my iPad. T´was the best compromise that could be achieved under those conditions and it actually worked quite well. To sad that it turned out that she is a drug user, something that's a hard no-go for me.

[ve4grm]

Good question. The joints that are up and serving at that time are... well... let's say culturally handicapped and the clientele is not the bast backdrop for a date.

Last time I asked somebody out who was working night shift back then, I made sure that it'll be on a full moon night, scouted out a good place a good place at the city harbor that I knew was free of trouble, brought some LED faux candles, one of those one-use grills, some good foodstuff and whine (i.e. frozen lobster tails, herbed butter, some good sour-dough baguette and a NZ chardonnay) and a selection of movies and music on my iPad. T´was the best compromise that could be achieved under those conditions and it actually worked quite well. To sad that it turned out that she is a drug user, something that's a hard no-go for me.

Full moon picnic does sound fantastic (though lobster tails might be a bit much for a first date).

Other than that, I vote for 24 hour cafes, or even just a Denny's. Somewhere where they won't mind you sitting around for a couple hours just getting to know each other.

[Sermil]

So this is a more lighthearted one.

What does one do on dates at night? I'm on night shift, and date is on very late hours, but that leaves the question of what that's not a bar is open at 2am.

I think our first date was a parked car in a parking lot after midnight on New Years... We've still married 27 years later, so I guess it was romantic enough?

[inexorabletruth]

@War Kitty
When do you go to work? You might be able to shimmy in a date before your shift. At least that way, you won't be tired out before your date. I used to work overnight, from 10 pm to 8 am.

Evening time dates were impossible. So my wife and I would schedule daytime activities, like rock climbing, ballroom dancing, a jaunt through downtown, picnics at the park, nickel arcades, or dressing like superheros and whooshing through the mall for the lulls (okay, we's a bit weird).

The lines are shorter during the day, and a lot of things are actually a lot cheaper midday. Lunch menus and movie theaters come to mind. Even cab fare is cheaper if you don't have or don't use a car.

[WarKitty]

My normal schedule is 8pm to 6:30am. Now, that has to be contrasted with his schedule that usually has him getting up around 10am - so right after my shift isn't a good time.

This is also going to be someone I'm not going to see too often due to distance, so we're trying to cram more in than "let's go out for an hour or two and then see each other next week."

[AMFV]

My normal schedule is 8pm to 6:30am. Now, that has to be contrasted with his schedule that usually has him getting up around 10am - so right after my shift isn't a good time.

This is also going to be someone I'm not going to see too often due to distance, so we're trying to cram more in than "let's go out for an hour or two and then see each other next week."

Plan around a holiday weekend or what-not. I mean otherwise you might be stuck with a shorter less fulfilling date. Especially if you haven't been dating that long and so aren't comfortable with him like hanging out at your place or whatnot. Once you are comfortable with that it makes that kind of dating much easier.

[halfeye]

My normal schedule is 8pm to 6:30am. Now, that has to be contrasted with his schedule that usually has him getting up around 10am - so right after my shift isn't a good time.

This is also going to be someone I'm not going to see too often due to distance, so we're trying to cram more in than "let's go out for an hour or two and then see each other next week."

I don't mean to be very rude, but exactly what are you trying to cram in?

I don't date, so I have no ideas, but if what you want is intimacy, go for it. If intimacy isn't immediately on the menu, that's more time consuming.

[Stadge]

Hopefully last update from me here for a bit:

Lass from the other weekend
We talked on Friday, and we're both going to take a step back. We're both pretty blatantly attracted to each other, and find each other interesting (now we've actually got to know each other), but she's said she understands where I am at the moment, having been there herself not too long back. We were able to be at a friends St Patrick's Day party without it being awkward and we checked ourselves when we did realise we were flirting a bit.
We've talked online a fair bit since- we've ended up actually having some really in-depth chats, and it seems that, given the things we both want to work on about ourselves at the minute, the right decision has been made.
We've also both happy to cut back on these chats if that is not useful for us.
Overall, whilst there's a tinge of 'I wish I felt able to give this a try at the minute', I'm happy that this seems to have gone well and maturely.


Ex-girlfriend (split 3.5 months ago)
I can almost finally draw a line under this relationship, and it feels like a huge relief.
She'd been messaging a fair bit recently (mostly about her cousin's dog, who at one point we were hoping to adopt) I've not been in a place where we can cut contact- because of her stuff still being here, but I think that replying minimally was the best bet.
2am Sunday morning she messaged me saying "I realise that in many ways I wasn't a very good person/girlfriend. I'm sorry for that" and then giving a few reasons. Maybe I should have ignored, but I said she's a good person, and that I also wasn't always great- and pointed out that even with the examples she gave, my own issues would have still made those situations problematic (and sidenote: that's good to know and therapy is helping me at least realise some of the behaviour patterns I have, even if I don't yet know how to break them)
Today I was able to finally get the man and van booked for her things (she'd delayed receiving them for months, then was able to- and then needed them sorting immediately) annoying as the fairly short notice means its costing me a fair fortune, but at least it'll all finally be gone.
Petty of me to be annoyed that a 'thanks for paying' wasn't mentioned, especially as her financial situation is much better than it seemed to be when I offered (and was also expecting it to be gone in January).

Slightly annoyed that the issue of the furniture her mum bought her, but that they didn't want sending was mentioned as "that needs to be sold-and her mum is looking for £250 for it" as it had previously been raised that it could be a reimbursement for the van, the £100 I left so she could get the train back from here (she didn't get the train) and the individual boxes I've posted since (when she didn't take them when her uncle and his van picked her and like 2 suitcases up). I'd like to be the one buying the furniture as its incredibly handy (and saves me the hassle of trying to figure out how to sell it) and maybe its petty and makes me a rubbish person, but its frustrating that all in the whole process will have cost me £800. Well potentially more, as I could have rented out the spare room here and recouped some rent.
I've checked with the ex and I can leave the bed til I next get paid at the end of the month as sorting the van at no notice has pushed me into overdraft and I'd rather not be too deep.
I have her mum's number to speak too about the item of furniture- haven't text her yet, but I'm wondering about trying to see how she wants it sold and how strict the £250 is, and if there's anyway that a friend of mine can end up buying it for less and if that would make me an awful person.

I can tighten my belt for a few months if I need to, its definitely a cost worth paying for being free, for not being constantly miserable and that I should have done about a year earlier.

[Chen]

Why are you paying for moving costs? And why does your Ex's mother expect you spend time selling her goods and presumably giving her the money for it? That's just ridiculous.

[Florian]

(though lobster tails might be a bit much for a first date).

Food pricing tends to be a bit weird around here. Sometimes, one of the four big supermarket powerhouses wants to try something and puts some economic weight behind it, then you can practically buy some luxury food at discount prices.

So sometimes things show up at a bargain price and I tend to stockpile that.

[WarKitty]

I don't mean to be very rude, but exactly what are you trying to cram in?

I don't date, so I have no ideas, but if what you want is intimacy, go for it. If intimacy isn't immediately on the menu, that's more time consuming.

Heh, nah, just looking at "what are things we can do together that would take up some time." Intimacy (I'm presuming that's a euphemism for sex) isn't on the table for a long time.

[Stadge]

Why are you paying for moving costs? And why does your Ex's mother expect you spend time selling her goods and presumably giving her the money for it? That's just ridiculous.

Well I'm paying moving costs, essentially because I felt guilty when I broke up with her in December (and didn't expect to only be able to move thing at the end of March...). I was in a better financial place, and it was also because of me that we moved from London to up here (which that cost was on me), and whilst she had been after leaving her job down there anyway, and it was slowly killing her and didn't pay enough for her to live in London without support from someone- moving was a catalyst for her leaving. But like I say, part of the delay in getting things moved was due to her getting a fairly lucrative contract down there for 6-8 weeks (and hence not at home to receive items).

Might seem daft, but I didn't hate her (still don't, despite the frustration), and at the time of flipping everything upside down on her, it seemed better to take the hit and offer some reassurance that the last of her money (at the time) wouldn't be gone, in addition to her being jobless and moving back to her mum's.

Yeah I don't know about the mum thing. If it wasn't for the fact that I'd really like to keep it, and have another ludicrous work week, I'd be tempted to disassemble it and try and get it in the van for them to deal with. As it is, haven't spoken to her yet as huge work deadlines/double-checking that all the ex's stuff is definitely boxed up, but I'm not planning on going out of my way to put up ads or anything.

Edited: Just wanted to add again, I know I might have messed up the logistics and cost myself quite a bit, but its been worth it to not have the constant turmoil and dread. And to have pleasantly re-discovered lots of things about me that have kind of been squashed over the years (not just relationship-wise, London did me no favours either).

[dehro]

Heh, nah, just looking at "what are things we can do together that would take up some time." Intimacy (I'm presuming that's a euphemism for sex) isn't on the table for a long time.

Not knowing where you live makes it a bit of a potential miss, as far as suggestions go but..
why don't you take a walk around the city/town you live in... do so at the same time of day/night your date will be. Go see landmarks/tourist attractions/relevant or famous buildings or places... and/or places that are important to you. Get a feel for what they would look like at the time of your date, when they may be out of business hours or whatever else. Take note of the bits that remain interesting or acquire a new interest because of the unusual time-frame. Maybe that will fill enough time and make it interesting enough for your date to turn out just fine... if not, add food.

[inexorabletruth]

Heh, nah, just looking at "what are things we can do together that would take up some time." Intimacy (I'm presuming that's a euphemism for sex) isn't on the table for a long time.

Some cities have included app driven scavenger hunts. I did a few in Philly when I lived there, and it was pretty awesome! It's a great way to learn about parts of the city you don't normally visit, yet they are still high profile places, so late-at-night outings can still be safe.

As far as app driven adventure, I've been told Pokemon Go is still a thing in some areas, though it's pretty much been forgotten where I live. It was a pretty nice way to get out and go on "adventures" with people you want to spend time with for any amount of time you feel comfortable committing to.

[The Fury]

Intimacy (I'm presuming that's a euphemism for sex) isn't on the table for a long time.

As a euphamism for sex "intimacy" is a pretty dull one. I mean, I can think of a few that I'm pretty sure don't break any of the forum's obscenity rules. And I have a lousy imagination.

On the topic of actual intimacy that is not a euphemism for sex, I've been trying to think of what 1: makes a good date, and 2: is something that can be done safely late at night. I won't lie, I got nothing. Though some of the best romance I've ever had didn't really involve doing much of anything-- we went on walks, sat on park benches I'd listen to them talk, we'd go to a diner, drink god-awful coffee. And it was amazing. I remember walking with someone as we talked in such an awkward but excited way. We found ourselves in a book store, though neither of us had any intention of going in. I thought I was following him, and he thought he was following me. We had a good laugh about that.

I'm not sure if you're like me, if you're not you might consider stuff like these awful dates and that's fair. If you are though... maybe don't worry too much about making the evening memorable, just be yourselves and appreciate each other's company.

[Sholos]

Since the other thread fell into the void, here's a (kinda not great quality) picture of my current look. I'll see about getting a better picture at some point.

Spoiler: New me

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[SirSlicksAlot]

Me and my wife just recently had a child, a beautiful baby girl , and honestly both of us fell into the role of parent amazingly. Overall I am extremely happy and excited about our future as a family together. Me and my wife have a history of trouble conceiving and late-term loss, so really our baby is a beacon of hope. My daughter was born with a rare brain abnormality, one that is likely to affect her for her entire life, and in the worst case children with this case don't make it past a few months. My daughter is otherwise entirely healthy, and from what the doctors say is on the better half of the spectrum when it comes to this, and given the prognosis she had early in the pregnancy she has already blown the predictions out of the water. My wife has problems dealing(understandably) with this and I tell her that everything will be okay and she has a really good chance of living a full and mostly normal life, but sometimes at night I lay awake in terror of something happening to her. I am not used to dealing with this much worry or anxiety so it is hard for me to deal with it internally, but I feel like I have to for my wife and daughters sake.

I've been bottling this up for a month now, and honestly it feels good just typing it out.

[WarKitty]

Picking up boyfriend in 3h!

I don't actually need any advice, just going to meep nervously.

[2D8HP]

Me and my wife just recently had a child, a beautiful baby girl....

.....sometimes at night I lay awake in terror of something happening to her. I am not used to dealing with this much worry or anxiety so it is hard for me to deal with it internally, but I feel like I have to for my wife and daughters sake.

I've been bottling this up for a month now, and honestly it feels good just typing it out.

Congratulations!

And so very sorry, best wishes and prayers.

[Comrade]

Me and my wife just recently had a child, a beautiful baby girl , and honestly both of us fell into the role of parent amazingly. Overall I am extremely happy and excited about our future as a family together. Me and my wife have a history of trouble conceiving and late-term loss, so really our baby is a beacon of hope. My daughter was born with a rare brain abnormality, one that is likely to affect her for her entire life, and in the worst case children with this case don't make it past a few months. My daughter is otherwise entirely healthy, and from what the doctors say is on the better half of the spectrum when it comes to this, and given the prognosis she had early in the pregnancy she has already blown the predictions out of the water. My wife has problems dealing(understandably) with this and I tell her that everything will be okay and she has a really good chance of living a full and mostly normal life, but sometimes at night I lay awake in terror of something happening to her. I am not used to dealing with this much worry or anxiety so it is hard for me to deal with it internally, but I feel like I have to for my wife and daughters sake.

I've been bottling this up for a month now, and honestly it feels good just typing it out.

You have both my congratulations and my best wishes, man.

[Stadge]

Hey Playground in short I met an interesting lass a few months ago (think I mentioned it here actually), gradually realised I liked her, was gearing myself up to asking her on a date the next time I saw her- she then asked if I had a spare room and wanted her as a flatmate.

Spoiler

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Spoiler: More in Depth

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I met a lass (friend of friends) a few months back. She lives out of town to the rest of us and often isn't around because of the distance, her job schedules and some rough family stuff.

Despite her not being around as much as others in our group, we've talked an awful lot online and hung out in person (normally just us, or very tiny groups) fairly regularly. I realised I was interested in her, but my thought process has generally gone like “That was a really good evening, I think we may have had some moments, if its similar next time, I'll ask her out” and then in the largeish gap before seeing her again, I'd worried that I was reading too much into our conversations, so would go back to “That was a really good evening, I think we may have had some moments, if its similar next time, I'll ask her out” again when the next time I see her rolls round.

I honestly don't know if she has any similar feelings about me- there are times I think maybe, other times I'm not so sure- but historically I'm terrible at picking up on signals, until I'm in an actual relationship with someone. I know if nothing else we've got lots in common and become fairly close pretty quickly and I'm one of the few people who know the details behind the family issues and why she's living out of town.

The last couple of weeks we've done really well on the hanging out, having spent good time together without large gap, have firm plans to go to something together next week and tentative plans to meet this week. I know her family issues have been resolved and things are much more stable for her as of recently. I last saw her on Thursday and was left optimistic, and other chats we've had since and through the weekend made me decide I was going to ask her out the next time we were together.

Until Sunday evening. She asked if I had a spare room, because she's looking to move back into town again. Not gonna lie, my heart sank a little as that does not bode well. And earlier that day she'd been sending me pictures of and telling me about places she wanted to take me in her town. I've been vague and uncertain about it so far, as my spare room is my office, I would be subletting and obviously and importantly, there's my feelings.

I asked a female friend if I should:

a) Say no about the room, but go on and ask her out still anyway (but figuring its unlikely, but probably good closure for me if nothing else)?

b) Say no about the room, don't say anything else and just try and get her out of my head?

C) Do something else entirely?

She replied:

“Yeah Ok so I think this is what you should do I think you should ask her out I think you should say to her, you would like having her as a housemate, but you would like to see if she wanted to try dating first, so maybe not a good idea to move in Just be really honest and say you enjoy spending time with her I think she likes a direct approach She dated my friend m for a while but he’s a bit of an ******* and it didn’t go anywhere Yeah. Definitely go for it. Sounds like you get on and nothing to lose I think you’d regret never asking If you’ve been spending time alone too, that’s a good sign At least of friendship if not more"

I think my friend is right, and that's the way to go, if its not mutual, I'm positive that if she's ok with it, I will be able to move past and be good friends. I've done it before. Hell there was a similar situation 5 years ago when a lass I liked for a couple of months, but had known for years, asked me to move into her spare room when my lease was up- I did in the end, but the time frame was such that I could ask her out, get rejected and move on, with her still wanting me to live there, and me being genuinely happy to. I'm hoping if it does go badly, I can keep her as a friend, though if we can't at least its a relatively new (if quickly growing) friendship I guess...

So yeah, should I make a definite move here, even if it feels like its now a long shot? I should also state as I know someone will ask about it- shes not getting the spare room (unless a lot of time passes and circumstances change) that's not fair to either party.

We were supposed to catch up yesterday but her family stuff raised its head again. We've been mentioning a hike for a while and the weather is due to be good on Monday so could ask about that, but we do already have plans to see a show on Tuesday evening (her idea) so I reckon if I say anything, after the show is the best bet?

Cheers all

Sorry to be a pain/pest, but I'm genuinely useless with this stuff...

[dehro]

The timing is crap...
If you decide to ask her on a date, make it abundantly clear that subletting the room to her is off the table and that her saying yes or no to dating is not going to change your mind either way. You actually may want to make a point of saying something to the effect of "asking me for my spare room came as a bit of a curve ball, on account of how I was going to ask you on a date.. and now I'm not sure I should because it might make things weird if this date becomes a thing because of the prospect of being house-mates, or maybe being mad at me for me not wanting to live with you at this time...".. or something to that effect.

[Stadge]

The timing is crap...
If you decide to ask her on a date, make it abundantly clear that subletting the room to her is off the table and that her saying yes or no to dating is not going to change your mind either way. You actually may want to make a point of saying something to the effect of "asking me for my spare room came as a bit of a curve ball, on account of how I was going to ask you on a date.. and now I'm not sure I should because it might make things weird if this date becomes a thing because of the prospect of being house-mates, or maybe being mad at me for me not wanting to live with you at this time...".. or something to that effect.

I know, it really is. And it really came as a curve ball for me... My other alternative is just to say no to the room, not ask her on a date and just see how things go/carry on with life.

An yes, definitely this. The room is off the table from my point of view. I'm not in a situation where I'm desperate for a flatmate, and I'm sure she could find another place (she also doesn't seem to be in a desperate rush). What I meant by 'if circumstances are different in the future' was more- if there's no chance of a relationship, a lot of time passes, I move on, and the issue of a room somehow comes up again- you know, not an immediate concern.

Yeah, I think regardless of if I ask her out, I'm gonna have to say/open by saying that 'I don't think you taking the spare room is going to work'

[Anonymouswizard]

Help.. It's three and a half months since my breakup and I just want this to end. I don't want my first thought every morning to be 'maybe I'll hear from her today'.

It was better for a couple of weeks, but note I've settled in at work it's back in full force.

[2D8HP]

Help.. It's three and a half months since my breakup and I just want this to end. I don't want my first thought every morning to be 'maybe I'll hear from her today'.

It was better for a couple of weeks, but note I've settled in at work it's back in full force.

Sorry to learn that AW, sadly this is par the course, it will get better for you in time, but it will feel like forever.

Do you remember how it was when you last had a cold, or the flu, and you could remember many times before in your life when you were sick, and it feels like you've been sick most of your life?

Do you remember when your healthy and barely thought (if at all) about the times you've been sick?

It's kinda like that.