Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

[Honest Tiefling]

Might just be a regional thing. I mean, if he was in my neck of the woods known as California, let's just say the odds are pretty good you'll find someone who has done drugs at some point. Certain college campuses are also going to be bad for that.

[Anymage]

"Big into" is not the same as "used to do" or even "occasionally dabbles".

[druid91]

What other traits do these people share? Are you drawn to a specific kind of person - like people who have a lot of inner demons they're trying to drown, people who are extraverted and not scared of risks, people who are pleasure chasers, something else? Probably the drugs are just an offshoot of some trait(s), good or bad, that continuously speak to you.

That's actually a somewhat difficult question. I can say that I'm not particularly drawn to either of those three listed. I... in a way I kind of try to deliberately avoid codifying why I'm attracted to a given person and instead just focused on identifying the feeling.

Might just be a regional thing. I mean, if he was in my neck of the woods known as California, let's just say the odds are pretty good you'll find someone who has done drugs at some point. Certain college campuses are also going to be bad for that.

This is almost certainly a factor. Can't pick up a newspaper in my area without seeing something about it being an epidemic.

[Grytorm]

Hello again. Almost done with physical therapy with a woman I have a crush on. So that's good because saying anything about it would be a bad idea.

And for my hyperbolic depressive point of view. Saying anything related to any crush is always a bad idea.

[Sholos]

And for my hyperbolic depressive point of view. Saying anything related to any crush is always a bad idea.

In my experience, you're not really wrong. Sounds like both of us have had pretty bad luck in that area.

[Comrade]

So in happy news, the last couple of months mark the first time I've actually gone on multiple dates with somebody (whom I met via a dating site), outside of the complicating context of a long-distance relationship. So that's progress, of a kind.

In less happy news, it didn't wind up going anywhere, or even result in a friendship afterwards, so that's a buzzkill. Makes it a little tough to feel like any progress was made when the end result was still getting ghosted and being left with no clue as to if it was something I did wrong or not. The lack of closure is especially jarring after a month of hearing things like 'I really like spending time with you' and whatnot, so it's like... Did I do something to go from 'I really like you' to 'let's be friends, actually let's never talk again' in the span of a couple of days? Am I uglier/more socially awkward/more off-putting than I thought? Do I just have bad luck? Is it the beard? Frankly, there were enough red flags that it seems entirely possible it wasn't really anything I did, that the other party was the faulty variable in the equation, but I don't know for sure, and that really bugs me.

I don't know, it makes me not really want to try dating, but I won't get better at it if I don't, so... Kind of a catch-22. If I don't try again, I won't develop the skillset that most people my age (you know, the folks who didn't take twenty years to start being attracted to people) already have, and it already feels like being a 23 year old with minimal dating experience is a turn-off for a lot of people. But when I do try, the end result invariably seems to wind up being disappointment, and you can really only have so much of that in your life before it starts to get you down.

[Anonymouswizard]

If it helps just remember, there are us 24 year olds out here with less dating experience than you!

In all experience, yeah it sucks, but you have to keep trying. I've meet one person via a dating site who's decided I'm actually worth being friends with, and have never got a date out of them. So keep trying, if you don't try not only will you never succeed, you'll begin asking yourself why you didn't bother trying.

I mean, I'm still hopelessly crushing on somebody who almost certainly doesn't like me that way, don't get stuck in my trap and just keep moving until you find somebody who won't drop you out of the blue.

[Florian]

This is perhaps an odd complaint, but it seems like all too often I find myself starting to like someone... only to find out they're big into drugs. Which at least for me is kind of a massive no.

It's frustrating.

I can relate to that. I'm still pretty shocked how fast and widespread all kinds of drugs are becoming in my area, even more so by how casual this is getting. (Example: I meet someone for the first time, we salute with our beers and I get offered a nose of amphetamine. And no, I'm not overly sensible.)

[dehro]

@Comrade, I only broke out of my self-imposed shell at age 27. my main and current proper relationship didn't come around until ten years later.
keeping at it will, if nothing else, teach you to manage rejection and avoid it crushing your spirit.

[Sholos]

@Comrade, I only broke out of my self-imposed shell at age 27. my main and current proper relationship didn't come around until ten years later.
keeping at it will, if nothing else, teach you to manage rejection and avoid it crushing your spirit.

How did you keep keeping at it? Where did you meet people to actually go on dates with and how did you build those relationships up to that point?

[Comrade]

In all experience, yeah it sucks, but you have to keep trying. I've meet one person via a dating site who's decided I'm actually worth being friends with, and have never got a date out of them. So keep trying, if you don't try not only will you never succeed, you'll begin asking yourself why you didn't bother trying.

That's something I try to remind myself of.

@Comrade, I only broke out of my self-imposed shell at age 27. my main and current proper relationship didn't come around until ten years later.
keeping at it will, if nothing else, teach you to manage rejection and avoid it crushing your spirit.

I don't think I have an issue with managing rejection. Heck, I appreciate a clear-cut 'I'm not interested in dating you' or 'I don't think we really vibe, let's part ways'. That's honest and unambiguous. I do have an issue with managing my disappointment when I let myself feel optimistic about something only for it to go awry or vanish, especially if I'm left with no clue about what went wrong. If the answer to that is to just keep getting disappointed until I become inured to it, well, it ain't happened yet. All I've learned is that next time I happen to be dating somebody, it's safer to keep my expectations at 'we'll probably be complete strangers with zero contact in a couple of months' irrespective of anything they say.

[ve4grm]

So in happy news, the last couple of months mark the first time I've actually gone on multiple dates with somebody (whom I met via a dating site), outside of the complicating context of a long-distance relationship. So that's progress, of a kind.

That's great! Whether it goes anywhere in the end, just being with people sometimes and having those experiences can be good for you, and make you better equipped for the next time.

In less happy news, it didn't wind up going anywhere, or even result in a friendship afterwards, so that's a buzzkill. Makes it a little tough to feel like any progress was made when the end result was still getting ghosted and being left with no clue as to if it was something I did wrong or not. The lack of closure is especially jarring after a month of hearing things like 'I really like spending time with you' and whatnot, so it's like... Did I do something to go from 'I really like you' to 'let's be friends, actually let's never talk again' in the span of a couple of days? Am I uglier/more socially awkward/more off-putting than I thought? Do I just have bad luck? Is it the beard? Frankly, there were enough red flags that it seems entirely possible it wasn't really anything I did, that the other party was the faulty variable in the equation, but I don't know for sure, and that really bugs me.

Ok, let's start with what we do know.

- Ugly - With multiple dates over a couple months, we know it wasn't this. If physical attraction was the issue, it likely wouldn't have gotten that far before it ended. So don't worry.

- Socially awkward - Maybe? But this is why you're going on dates. More practice can help you be less awkward. And in the end, you want someone who will embrace your personal brand of awkwardness and augment it with their own. If they can't, then it probably isn't the right match. So again, don't worry.

- Bad luck - Probably, but not worse than average. Most people will date around a bunch before finding the right partner.

- The beard - (I know you're joking, but just in case you are self-conscious about it.) Unless it popped up overnight, then it's unlikely. It's also easily changeable, and many people like beards anyways, so as long as it's well groomed I wouldn't put this in the negative column.

I get that it's frustrating. But given that you say there were other red flags, it's possible you dodged a bullet here. Even if you don't know exactly why, it's probably best to chalk this up to "miscellaneous incompatibility" and move forward.

I don't know, it makes me not really want to try dating, but I won't get better at it if I don't, so... Kind of a catch-22. If I don't try again, I won't develop the skillset that most people my age (you know, the folks who didn't take twenty years to start being attracted to people) already have, and it already feels like being a 23 year old with minimal dating experience is a turn-off for a lot of people. But when I do try, the end result invariably seems to wind up being disappointment, and you can really only have so much of that in your life before it starts to get you down.

It's cool, man. We feel you. But you're not hopeless. Nobody should be expected to be with their life partner by 23.

And in the end, having these relationships end is sad, sure, but it's better than finding out 5 years in that you were deluding yourself and are now in an unhealthy situation. It being clear early just means you can move on to more important matters, and hopefully more compatible dates.

[Sholos]

How did you keep keeping at it? Where did you meet people to actually go on dates with and how did you build those relationships up to that point?

I feel the need to add on to this that the wells of friends, friends of friends, online, work, and interest groups have all consistently turned up dry for potential dates. Heck, even making friends out of the latter three groups has proven incredibly daunting to me.

[Comrade]

I get that it's frustrating. But given that you say there were other red flags, it's possible you dodged a bullet here. Even if you don't know exactly why, it's probably best to chalk this up to "miscellaneous incompatibility" and move forward.

A part of me definitely thinks it's likely I dodged a bullet. I had a feeling at various points that something was kind of 'off' but I figured it would be both silly and rude to just cut things off on that basis. The not-knowing is still a bummer but I'll try to just leave it at 'didn't work out, plain and simple' and move on from there. (And yeah, the beard thing was a joke. My beard is pretty rad and I take care to keep it nice and groomed.)

It's cool, man. We feel you. But you're not hopeless. Nobody should be expected to be with their life partner by 23.

Oh I know that (although I do come from a family where my parents and both my sisters were married with kids by the time they were my age). I'm not trying to find the love of my life right now or anything. It's just that even casual dating seems to be an uphill battle at this point, and I'm not sure if that's just bad luck or if it's something I can fix.

[Luckycookie]

Hello, I usually read here and never commented before, and I don't know if I should write in the condition I am in right now, but I need to talk about it with someone who dosen't know me and you guys are really nice and insightful, so here goes.

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I had a girl that bullied me emotionally and abused me in a time I was in a crasis anyway. I won't elaborate on the details (if you feel thats important I would prefer to talk through PMs). My current boyfriend was there too and they had a thing, thats long past.

They lost touch and we became a couple, he knew everything that she did to me, and she even told him about it herself at the time.

A year or so after, she initiated a talk and wanted to renew their contact (friends only). He was very happy about it. I decided that I'm gonna try to accept it, since its his choice.
But I just don't know if I can do it anymore. 5 years in, I'm depressed after every time they meet. I really wanted to put her behind me, and he keeps bringing her back.
I talked to him so much about it and he's trying to be supportive, he still tells her she was a jerk and she can never be forgiven by me... but they are still talking and joking around of things that are traumatic for me.
I feel guilty as if i'm overreacting and.. why can't I just be cool about it?
But as they recall things that she did to me, she's not sorry at all. She's still the same.

With a person I want to feel protected and free to express myself, and that he'll have my back, I just feel rejection and fear of my reaction (he said that my reaction is reasonable but still he clearly dosen't like it, I don't feel he can do something about it because he don't want to sever the connection with her).

She convinced him to let me see a sorry messege she wrote so that I'll forgive her and let him meet her more often (yes I'm sure thats the only reason, and he thinks that aswell). As I read her messege i was shaking all over my body, I can't stop trembling. I don't know if I'm angry for her even daring such a move or disappointed of how nice and happy go lucky my boyfriend was with her on text. Like there was nothing wrong at all.

I know thats one fudged up situation and probably we can't really solve the case. But I would really appreciate your comments and advice, who knows, maybe it'll help me live a happier life.

Also I'll mention lastly, that after all she have done I can't bring myself to forgive her nor be ok with the fact she's still relevent in my adult normal life. It really did traumatized me and I want to recognize that fact and that its ok for me to feel that, and that its ok to not forgive her actions.

[ve4grm]

Hello, I usually read here and never commented before, and I don't know if I should write in the condition I am in right now, but I need to talk about it with someone who dosen't know me and you guys are really nice and insightful, so here goes.

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I had a girl that bullied me emotionally and abused me in a time I was in a crasis anyway. I won't elaborate on the details (if you feel thats important I would prefer to talk through PMs). My current boyfriend was there too and they had a thing, thats long past.

They lost touch and we became a couple, he knew everything that she did to me, and she even told him about it herself at the time.

A year or so after, she initiated a talk and wanted to renew their contact (friends only). He was very happy about it. I decided that I'm gonna try to accept it, since its his choice.
But I just don't know if I can do it anymore. 5 years in, I'm depressed after every time they meet. I really wanted to put her behind me, and he keeps bringing her back.
I talked to him so much about it and he's trying to be supportive, he still tells her she was a jerk and she can never be forgiven by me... but they are still talking and joking around of things that are traumatic for me.
I feel guilty as if i'm overreacting and.. why can't I just be cool about it?
But as they recall things that she did to me, she's not sorry at all. She's still the same.

With a person I want to feel protected and free to express myself, and that he'll have my back, I just feel rejection and fear of my reaction (he said that my reaction is reasonable but still he clearly dosen't like it, I don't feel he can do something about it because he don't want to sever the connection with her).

She convinced him to let me see a sorry messege she wrote so that I'll forgive her and let him meet her more often (yes I'm sure thats the only reason, and he thinks that aswell). As I read her messege i was shaking all over my body, I can't stop trembling. I don't know if I'm angry for her even daring such a move or disappointed of how nice and happy go lucky my boyfriend was with her on text. Like there was nothing wrong at all.

I know thats one fudged up situation and probably we can't really solve the case. But I would really appreciate your comments and advice, who knows, maybe it'll help me live a happier life.

Also I'll mention lastly, that after all she have done I can't bring myself to forgive her nor be ok with the fact she's still relevent in my adult normal life. It really did traumatized me and I want to recognize that fact and that its ok for me to feel that, and that its ok to not forgive her actions.

Oh geez, I just want to give you a hug. That's terrible that you have to deal with this.
Given that you mention "the condition you're in" I'd advise taking a couple days before doing anything, letting yourself get back to a level state, but after that:

You're in no way overreacting. You went through trauma, and she's trying to shoehorn herself back in. She doesn't seem to understand the extent that she affected you, and probably just things you're upset and holding a grudge.

You need to talk to your boyfriend. Make sure he understands that you are not ok with her, and you don't know if you ever will be. Tell him how much it hurts you when they laugh and joke about your trauma! He needs to understand that, if the three of you are together and she mentions it or jokes about it, it is his job to step in and block that, to tell her not to do that.

I don't know how old you are (you seem young-ish) but it's a very mature outlook you have, knowing that you can't tell your boyfriend who to be friends with. The thing a lot of people forget, though, is that goes both ways. His being friends with this girl doesn't mean you have to be friends with her/hang out with her. Would you be ok with him and her being friends, hanging out occasionally, as long as you don't have to be around? If so, then declare that. Tell him you're ok with their friendship, but you don't want to be there for it. That you'll be ok seeing her in passing, but not you and her spending time together.

And if you're not ok with that? If her being friends with your boyfriend and them spending time together is enough to trigger your trauma? Make that clear. Make it clear that you can't handle the close association, and his friendship with her makes you feel unsafe. Even this is not necessarily an overreaction, as you have a responsibility to protect yourself from trauma. He'll need to decide what is most important to him, and may need to make a sacrifice. I wish I could tell you that sacrifice will definitely be in your favour, but I can't. Regardless, you should do what is necessary to feel safe.

[Anonymouswizard]

Hugs for Luckycookie. I can't offer any advice, but I think you've already been


For the record, finally managed to internalise the no I got three weeks ago. Feels good.

Well I'm looking for advice. I currently have a crush on/I currently fancy a friend (and her wife), and normally in this sort of situation I've just told them, it's been awkward for a week or two, and then everybody's gotten over it and things carry on as normal. However, there's a complication. We didn't talk to each other for a few months, and when we got back in contact I ended up telling her about the woman I'd just asked out and joked about how I always get turned down. Well she said she'd say yes to a date, but as she's had trouble with my self deprecation before I can't tell if she was being serious or just being nice and trying to help me get over my insecurities with regards to asking people out.

So here we are. I really want to ask them out, but I'm worried that if she wasn't being serious about it then doing so will potentially lead to problems with the friendship (coupled with additional insecurity from being the reason my last relationship ended terribly). I'm really unsure what to do, I do want to tell her because I don't like hiding this stuff, but I'm really worried that it could be taken the wrong way.

[Luckycookie]

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Oh geez, I just want to give you a hug. That's terrible that you have to deal with this.
Given that you mention "the condition you're in" I'd advise taking a couple days before doing anything, letting yourself get back to a level state, but after that:

You're in no way overreacting. You went through trauma, and she's trying to shoehorn herself back in. She doesn't seem to understand the extent that she affected you, and probably just things you're upset and holding a grudge.

You need to talk to your boyfriend. Make sure he understands that you are not ok with her, and you don't know if you ever will be. Tell him how much it hurts you when they laugh and joke about your trauma! He needs to understand that, if the three of you are together and she mentions it or jokes about it, it is his job to step in and block that, to tell her not to do that.

I don't know how old you are (you seem young-ish) but it's a very mature outlook you have, knowing that you can't tell your boyfriend who to be friends with. The thing a lot of people forget, though, is that goes both ways. His being friends with this girl doesn't mean you have to be friends with her/hang out with her. Would you be ok with him and her being friends, hanging out occasionally, as long as you don't have to be around? If so, then declare that. Tell him you're ok with their friendship, but you don't want to be there for it. That you'll be ok seeing her in passing, but not you and her spending time together.

And if you're not ok with that? If her being friends with your boyfriend and them spending time together is enough to trigger your trauma? Make that clear. Make it clear that you can't handle the close association, and his friendship with her makes you feel unsafe. Even this is not necessarily an overreaction, as you have a responsibility to protect yourself from trauma. He'll need to decide what is most important to him, and may need to make a sacrifice. I wish I could tell you that sacrifice will definitely be in your favour, but I can't. Regardless, you should do what is necessary to feel safe.

Thank you so much for your replay. You're right, its better to wait untill I calm down before I do and say things.

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Just wanted to clarify that I never go with them (there are more common friends that attend those meetings), they are my friends aswell but I wont go when she is going, naturally. (Those friends knows about the bullying aswell but only vaguelly and just treat it as "just make up already!" Without knowing how far she went at times).

My boyfriend completely understands and he supported me about it, he called out to her about how mean she was to me, but she didn't really care much for it as long as they meet. And thats the thing, that now every time she ask jokingly "but why wont she come too?" He replays "because you were a b*tch, you know?" And they just shrug it off and keep going without a care.
And thats ok! I truly think that the problem is mine, since I'm stuck... treating it light heartedly is something I can't really do. It is not appretiated when I talk badly of her, he listens but stay nutral. And thats fair also. I know it is. But when I think about all the reasons why its ok, all i got is " I just need to be ok with the fact that I suffered a lot, can't put it behind me and forget her because she keeps meeting with my boyfriend (and my friends) and know she's still the same and if i'll ever try she will hurt me no doubt".

I can accept that we have common friends and that they like her. But knowing that my boyfirend is.. its hard. I want to deal with it without restricting him, thats not fair. And I wish I knew how to be ok with their relationship. Having to admit it is accepting that she needs to be in my life and its not fair either.

Sigh... what a mess! I'm Sorry, it must be exhusting to read haha.. and again, I'm deeply and truly thankful for your time

[Comrade]

So here we are. I really want to ask them out, but I'm worried that if she wasn't being serious about it then doing so will potentially lead to problems with the friendship (coupled with additional insecurity from being the reason my last relationship ended terribly). I'm really unsure what to do, I do want to tell her because I don't like hiding this stuff, but I'm really worried that it could be taken the wrong way.

What are you hoping might come out of that conversation? I mean, it's nice to get things off your chest, but telling somebody who's married that you're into them is usually just a recipe for awkwardness at best-- unless I missed something and they're in some manner of open relationship. Barring that, I'd assume when she said she'd say yes to a date it was a hypothetical and not an invitation.

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I had a girl that bullied me emotionally and abused me in a time I was in a crasis anyway. I won't elaborate on the details (if you feel thats important I would prefer to talk through PMs). My current boyfriend was there too and they had a thing, thats long past.

They lost touch and we became a couple, he knew everything that she did to me, and she even told him about it herself at the time.

A year or so after, she initiated a talk and wanted to renew their contact (friends only). He was very happy about it. I decided that I'm gonna try to accept it, since its his choice.
But I just don't know if I can do it anymore. 5 years in, I'm depressed after every time they meet. I really wanted to put her behind me, and he keeps bringing her back.
I talked to him so much about it and he's trying to be supportive, he still tells her she was a jerk and she can never be forgiven by me... but they are still talking and joking around of things that are traumatic for me.
I feel guilty as if i'm overreacting and.. why can't I just be cool about it?
But as they recall things that she did to me, she's not sorry at all. She's still the same.

With a person I want to feel protected and free to express myself, and that he'll have my back, I just feel rejection and fear of my reaction (he said that my reaction is reasonable but still he clearly dosen't like it, I don't feel he can do something about it because he don't want to sever the connection with her).

She convinced him to let me see a sorry messege she wrote so that I'll forgive her and let him meet her more often (yes I'm sure thats the only reason, and he thinks that aswell). As I read her messege i was shaking all over my body, I can't stop trembling. I don't know if I'm angry for her even daring such a move or disappointed of how nice and happy go lucky my boyfriend was with her on text. Like there was nothing wrong at all.

I know thats one fudged up situation and probably we can't really solve the case. But I would really appreciate your comments and advice, who knows, maybe it'll help me live a happier life.

Also I'll mention lastly, that after all she have done I can't bring myself to forgive her nor be ok with the fact she's still relevent in my adult normal life. It really did traumatized me and I want to recognize that fact and that its ok for me to feel that, and that its ok to not forgive her actions.

I'm real sorry you've been put in this position. I can't offer much more advice than ve4grm did-- which is to say that you are 100% entitled to feel this way and 100% not obligated to forgive her or anything-- but I hope you're able to work things out with your boyfriend and find a way to move forward that works for you and him.

[Anonymouswizard]

What are you hoping might come out of that conversation? I mean, it's nice to get things off your chest, but telling somebody who's married that you're into them is usually just a recipe for awkwardness at best-- unless I missed something and they're in some manner of open relationship. Barring that, I'd assume when she said she'd say yes to a date it was a hypothetical and not an invitation.

*looks over previous post* uh, I might have missed out some information. They're poly, and I've been informed of some of the previous third members of the triad. Which is the entire reason I'm even considering it.

So in short, hopefully a date, but mainly it's that this is something I really don't like to keep from friends. Eh, that might not be helpful, and I get the idea that if somebody's in a monogamous relationship you should just leave well enough alone, but that's not the exact situation here.

[Luckycookie]

Anon and comrade, thank you<3
Just to finally talk about it and get it off of my chest makes me feel much better. I appreciate your comments alot.

Anon, I think its best to wait for them to offer it in a clearer way. You asked, if they changed their mind its up to them to ask you now staightforwardly. If you manage to notice they dance around the subject alot and you suspect they are just shy asking, you can try to ask gently again if you want to. But I would just leave it to them.

[Anonymouswizard]

Anon, I think its best to wait for them to offer it in a clearer way. You asked, if they changed their mind its up to them to ask you now staightforwardly. If you manage to notice they dance around the subject alot and you suspect they are just shy asking, you can try to ask gently again if you want to. But I would just leave it to them.

I asked? Must have been drunk, don't remember that.

[Luckycookie]

I asked? Must have been drunk, don't remember that.

Oh! I read it wrong, I thought you asked them before. In that case, it might be a risk to another awkward moment but I think you can give it a shot, gently. Something like "Hi, remember when you said...? Did you mean it? I would love that too." Dosen't seem too wierd to me. But I'm no expert! And I don't know all the details around it, so it might be a bad advice^^"
Either way, I wish you good luck!

[Anonymouswizard]

Oh! I read it wrong, I thought you asked them before. In that case, it might be a risk to another awkward moment but I think you can give it a shot, gently. Something like "Hi, remember when you said...? Did you mean it? I would love that too." Dosen't seem too wierd to me. But I'm no expert! And I don't know all the details around it, so it might be a bad advice^^"
Either way, I wish you good luck!

It's okay, there is another girl I asked out a few weeks ago, who also turns out to be married (the story boils down to 'she never said and never wore her ring') but mono.

FWIW most of my friends who don't know all the details agree with you, and the ones who know all the details aren't exactly the kind I can ask about it without this turning into a comedy sketch ('hey, I need advice, should I ask you out?' ).

I mean this all plays into my poor ability at reading people. What does her asking me to look over her stories mean? Saying that she'd say yes to a date? Her and her wife inviting me over for board games? That I occasionally get a lot of kitten photos (to the point where the obvious joke has worn thin). I'm going to feel really stupid if it turns out she was telling me to ask them out.

I have to admit to being incredibly insecure here as well, as except for her and my ex I've spent almost the entire time since I was 16ish (so about eight years at this point) essentially being told 'you'd be a great catch for somebody else, but I'm not interested'. It's the logical end result of being told that over and over while seeing almost everybody else you know get in relationships with apparent ease (although I've been learning that a lot of that is the same illusionism my generation can use for a lot of their social lives).

[Tvtyrant]

Anyone feel up to criticizing my dating profile? A friend told me it was too cynical earlier so I pruned it some, hoping for input.

I'm just copy pasting it here and adding my current pic to the top.

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Self Summary

A couple of quotes to illuminate my character.

"A kind of cheery despair."
~My college roommate when describing my disposition and world view.

"When you talk about religions and ethics you talk about them like they are ideas."
~My grandmother when discussing culture as a social utility.

"Ugggh"
~My best friend when I make a terrible pun.

"I think you must have done something awful in a past life."
~My sister explaining why I have poor luck. The actual explanation is that I am clumsy.

"One of the good ones."
~College professor.

"You are the funniest person I know."
~Workmate from my last job who had clearly never heard a joke before :P

"Look, you're very smart."
~Everyone just before offering my constructive criticism.


ASPIRATIONS
If money were no concern, this is what I would be doing
What I'm doing with my life
Current goal
One day, I would like to
I'd like to be known for my
My dream job is
Purchasing a few hundred acres in southern Alaska, get a university job there and write while I raise a family. Travel twice a year during Summer and Winter breaks, and go camping one weekend a month.EDIT

TALENT
Bypassing my own ego and understanding the world by its own merits.

I have a talent for self-control and regimentation.

MY TRAITS
My style can be described as
I went the classic hoodie, black t-shirt and blue jeans for most of my life (tube socks of course), and combined it with the most dreadful Moe Howard hair you can imagine. That or a lot of plaid. So much plaid.

I currently tend to wear blue jeans and short sleeve button ups, but the Moe Howard bowl is gone for good.


MEDIA
Books: I'm a book worm.

I generally am reading several history books for university or pleasure (I own a complete collection of The Story of Civilization by Will Durant.)

For fiction I prefer funny genre pieces like Terry Pratchett, Douglass Adams, etc.

I also go on binges of more serious authors, I did a complete read of John Steinbeck in the spring and tried to get through Steven King last winter.

Music:

Old Stuff: Bob Dylan, Bruce Springstein, Show Tunes, Swing music, Motorhead.

Newer Stuff: Amon Amarth, Sabaton, The Protomen, Little Shop of Horrors soundtrack, etc.

Movies: I love Hitchcock, the Coen brothers, action and fantasy movies.

Shows: I'm guilty of binge watching bad sitcoms and paranormals, such as Buffy and How I Met Your Mother.

Food: I eat a fairly specialized diet. Feel free to ask! I love spicy foods and hate sweets.


NEEDS
Six things I could never do without
1. That feeling you get when you walk into a relatives house for a holiday and everyone smiles and you feel six again.

2. That feeling you get when you are climbing a trail and your heart is so loud it is the only thing you can hear, and then you top the hill and you can see forever.

3. Establishing communist collectives during a game of Settlers of Catan by giving my cards to the other players and deliberately not going for the win. Subversion of rules is one of my guilty pleasures.

4. A place to meditate and collect myself where the outside world doesn't intrude for a few hours. Introvert for life!

5. Going someplace new on a regular basis. I like to explore and love adventures.

6. A routine. I'm a creature of habit, I divide my day up according to a schedule and try to stick to it.


HOBBIES
I should spend less time
Rehashing old arguments in my head. I rehearse or rehash conversations constantly, and sadly I often lose them.

MOMENTS
Ideal weekend routine
Wake up early, eat a balanced breakfast then head out of town on an adventure. Try and fail to make it back before dark, then spend the evening hanging out with friends or family.

SECRETS
My biggest regret
My biggest regret is that I spent so much of my 20s devoted to school and work without finding enough time to explore and have fun. I'm playing catch up on the personal development aspect now.

DATING
You should message me if

You like big men and bad jokes.

You want to go explore mountains, take a long walk on the beach, or float down a river.

You want to play board games, card games or video games with cool people.

Honestly at this point I want to meet some cool people and do fun stuff. If we seem like a good fit romantically that is great, but I'm happy to find some friends.

OUTDOORS
If I had to choose between mountains, beaches, and deserts, I’d choose

I would pick a mountain straddling between the boundary between a beach and a desert :p
Mountains first, then beaches, then deserts. I like to climb and smell the trees most.


BOOKS
The book that kept me thinking long after turning the last page.
The Origins of Totalitarianism. Written by Hannah Arendt as an explanation of Nazism from a psychological perspective, anticipated later works on group morality and developed ontology as a method for understanding group actions that seem strange to outsiders.

FOOD & WINE
It's 1am and I'm home alone, my guilty pleasure munchie is...
Nuts and string cheese.

I went on the keto diet in 2016 and don't intend to change it. I've never felt healthier or happier!

COFFEE
Proof I'm a coffee addict
I drink my coffee out of a novelty cup bought at a football game. Two cups of coffee and I have drained the pot.

I switch to tea after noon, and then strictly water after 4. I used to be one of those people who drink caffeine all day long but age has caught up to me and now it keeps me from sleeping.

[Chen]

The quotes at the start give off a pretentious vibe. Also the first quote about “cheery despair” would probably make me just not bother reading the rest. The Hobbies section is terrible. Why would you put that rehashing old arguments as a hobby? I know the question asks what you would spend less time on but thats not meant to showcase an issue like you put; its meant to show something you enjoy enough to be doing constantly.

You say you want to meet people to do stuff with and if romance comes so be it. Is this true? This comes up pretty often in profiles despite the person’s primary goal being to find a romantic partner. If that is in fact a high priority (even if you do just want to meet people as well) I suggest removing it and focusing on the dating part. Being clear about that will at least help to make sure both people involved are on the same page. Leaving it open like you did makes misunderstanding and frustration much more likely.

Overall though its pretty solid.

[Iruka]

Anyone feel up to criticizing my dating profile? A friend told me it was too cynical earlier so I pruned it some, hoping for input.

I'm just copy pasting it here and adding my current pic to the top.

Spoiler

Show

Spoiler

Show

Self Summary

A couple of quotes to illuminate my character.

"A kind of cheery despair."
~My college roommate when describing my disposition and world view.

"When you talk about religions and ethics you talk about them like they are ideas."
~My grandmother when discussing culture as a social utility.

"Ugggh"
~My best friend when I make a terrible pun.

"I think you must have done something awful in a past life."
~My sister explaining why I have poor luck. The actual explanation is that I am clumsy.

"One of the good ones."
~College professor.

"You are the funniest person I know."
~Workmate from my last job who had clearly never heard a joke before :P

"Look, you're very smart."
~Everyone just before offering my constructive criticism.


ASPIRATIONS
If money were no concern, this is what I would be doing
What I'm doing with my life
Current goal
One day, I would like to
I'd like to be known for my
My dream job is
Purchasing a few hundred acres in southern Alaska, get a university job there and write while I raise a family. Travel twice a year during Summer and Winter breaks, and go camping one weekend a month.EDIT

TALENT
Bypassing my own ego and understanding the world by its own merits.

I have a talent for self-control and regimentation.

MY TRAITS
My style can be described as
I went the classic hoodie, black t-shirt and blue jeans for most of my life (tube socks of course), and combined it with the most dreadful Moe Howard hair you can imagine. That or a lot of plaid. So much plaid.

I currently tend to wear blue jeans and short sleeve button ups, but the Moe Howard bowl is gone for good.


MEDIA
Books: I'm a book worm.

I generally am reading several history books for university or pleasure (I own a complete collection of The Story of Civilization by Will Durant.)

For fiction I prefer funny genre pieces like Terry Pratchett, Douglass Adams, etc.

I also go on binges of more serious authors, I did a complete read of John Steinbeck in the spring and tried to get through Steven King last winter.

Music:

Old Stuff: Bob Dylan, Bruce Springstein, Show Tunes, Swing music, Motorhead.

Newer Stuff: Amon Amarth, Sabaton, The Protomen, Little Shop of Horrors soundtrack, etc.

Movies: I love Hitchcock, the Coen brothers, action and fantasy movies.

Shows: I'm guilty of binge watching bad sitcoms and paranormals, such as Buffy and How I Met Your Mother.

Food: I eat a fairly specialized diet. Feel free to ask! I love spicy foods and hate sweets.


NEEDS
Six things I could never do without
1. That feeling you get when you walk into a relatives house for a holiday and everyone smiles and you feel six again.

2. That feeling you get when you are climbing a trail and your heart is so loud it is the only thing you can hear, and then you top the hill and you can see forever.

3. Establishing communist collectives during a game of Settlers of Catan by giving my cards to the other players and deliberately not going for the win. Subversion of rules is one of my guilty pleasures.

4. A place to meditate and collect myself where the outside world doesn't intrude for a few hours. Introvert for life!

5. Going someplace new on a regular basis. I like to explore and love adventures.

6. A routine. I'm a creature of habit, I divide my day up according to a schedule and try to stick to it.


HOBBIES
I should spend less time
Rehashing old arguments in my head. I rehearse or rehash conversations constantly, and sadly I often lose them.

MOMENTS
Ideal weekend routine
Wake up early, eat a balanced breakfast then head out of town on an adventure. Try and fail to make it back before dark, then spend the evening hanging out with friends or family.

SECRETS
My biggest regret
My biggest regret is that I spent so much of my 20s devoted to school and work without finding enough time to explore and have fun. I'm playing catch up on the personal development aspect now.

DATING
You should message me if

You like big men and bad jokes.

You want to go explore mountains, take a long walk on the beach, or float down a river.

You want to play board games, card games or video games with cool people.

Honestly at this point I want to meet some cool people and do fun stuff. If we seem like a good fit romantically that is great, but I'm happy to find some friends.

OUTDOORS
If I had to choose between mountains, beaches, and deserts, I’d choose

I would pick a mountain straddling between the boundary between a beach and a desert :p
Mountains first, then beaches, then deserts. I like to climb and smell the trees most.


BOOKS
The book that kept me thinking long after turning the last page.
The Origins of Totalitarianism. Written by Hannah Arendt as an explanation of Nazism from a psychological perspective, anticipated later works on group morality and developed ontology as a method for understanding group actions that seem strange to outsiders.

FOOD & WINE
It's 1am and I'm home alone, my guilty pleasure munchie is...
Nuts and string cheese.

I went on the keto diet in 2016 and don't intend to change it. I've never felt healthier or happier!

COFFEE
Proof I'm a coffee addict
I drink my coffee out of a novelty cup bought at a football game. Two cups of coffee and I have drained the pot.

I switch to tea after noon, and then strictly water after 4. I used to be one of those people who drink caffeine all day long but age has caught up to me and now it keeps me from sleeping.

I did not have time to read it in detail yet, but some formatting things:
Picture is not showing for me, OKC probably does not allow hotlinking.
For us here on the forum, formatting it so the stuff given by OKC is easier to identify would make reading it a bit easier. I was a bit confused at first ...
And a typo: Springstein.

edit:

The thing with your self summary is: It is not really a self summary. Using quotes, you are outsourcing this to other people. I would at least put a short paragraph of your own words there, then follow it with 'here is how other people summarize me'. And yeah, think again about including the 'cheery despair'.

Feel free to work in some of the 'bad jokes' you claim to like, to make it less of an informed attribute. Give them a taste of the pun meister that leaves them craving for more! Or not, but then they would not have been a good match anyway ...

As I understand it 'My biggest regret' is a subcategory of 'SECRETS'? If possible, I would suggest balancing it with something positive, like 'My biggest secret triumph'.

[Florian]

Hm. I have to agree with the assessment already given. That listing tells a bit about how others might see you (as you interpret their voiced opinions), but next to nothing about how you see yourself in relationship to the world out there, which is what matters.

[Comrade]

I did find the 'cheery despair' line kind of funny, but you really don't want 'despair' to be literally the first thing people read in your profile. The quotes from other people idea isn't a bad one, just don't lead with that one (or the talking about ethics one). I would also say the answers for the 'I should spend less time.../hobbies' and 'talent' prompts are not very engaging. What are some fun or interesting talents and hobbies you could mention instead-- playing guitar? Baking? I know you've talked about being into hiking on this forum, that would be a great one to use. The hobbies part of the profile is an opportunity to establish common ground with people, something to talk about, and the talents part is an opportunity to show off a little. 'I have a talent for self-control and regimentation' doesn't really arrest my attention the way 'I can cook the best steak you've ever had' would.

Other than that, like others said, it's pretty good-- those are just the bits that stood out as potentially improvable.

[ve4grm]

Anyone feel up to criticizing my dating profile? A friend told me it was too cynical earlier so I pruned it some, hoping for input.

I'm just copy pasting it here and adding my current pic to the top.

Spoiler

Show

Spoiler

Show

Self Summary

A couple of quotes to illuminate my character.

"A kind of cheery despair."
~My college roommate when describing my disposition and world view.

"When you talk about religions and ethics you talk about them like they are ideas."
~My grandmother when discussing culture as a social utility.

"Ugggh"
~My best friend when I make a terrible pun.

"I think you must have done something awful in a past life."
~My sister explaining why I have poor luck. The actual explanation is that I am clumsy.

"One of the good ones."
~College professor.

"You are the funniest person I know."
~Workmate from my last job who had clearly never heard a joke before :P

"Look, you're very smart."
~Everyone just before offering my constructive criticism.


ASPIRATIONS
If money were no concern, this is what I would be doing
What I'm doing with my life
Current goal
One day, I would like to
I'd like to be known for my
My dream job is
Purchasing a few hundred acres in southern Alaska, get a university job there and write while I raise a family. Travel twice a year during Summer and Winter breaks, and go camping one weekend a month.EDIT

TALENT
Bypassing my own ego and understanding the world by its own merits.

I have a talent for self-control and regimentation.

MY TRAITS
My style can be described as
I went the classic hoodie, black t-shirt and blue jeans for most of my life (tube socks of course), and combined it with the most dreadful Moe Howard hair you can imagine. That or a lot of plaid. So much plaid.

I currently tend to wear blue jeans and short sleeve button ups, but the Moe Howard bowl is gone for good.


MEDIA
Books: I'm a book worm.

I generally am reading several history books for university or pleasure (I own a complete collection of The Story of Civilization by Will Durant.)

For fiction I prefer funny genre pieces like Terry Pratchett, Douglass Adams, etc.

I also go on binges of more serious authors, I did a complete read of John Steinbeck in the spring and tried to get through Steven King last winter.

Music:

Old Stuff: Bob Dylan, Bruce Springstein, Show Tunes, Swing music, Motorhead.

Newer Stuff: Amon Amarth, Sabaton, The Protomen, Little Shop of Horrors soundtrack, etc.

Movies: I love Hitchcock, the Coen brothers, action and fantasy movies.

Shows: I'm guilty of binge watching bad sitcoms and paranormals, such as Buffy and How I Met Your Mother.

Food: I eat a fairly specialized diet. Feel free to ask! I love spicy foods and hate sweets.


NEEDS
Six things I could never do without
1. That feeling you get when you walk into a relatives house for a holiday and everyone smiles and you feel six again.

2. That feeling you get when you are climbing a trail and your heart is so loud it is the only thing you can hear, and then you top the hill and you can see forever.

3. Establishing communist collectives during a game of Settlers of Catan by giving my cards to the other players and deliberately not going for the win. Subversion of rules is one of my guilty pleasures.

4. A place to meditate and collect myself where the outside world doesn't intrude for a few hours. Introvert for life!

5. Going someplace new on a regular basis. I like to explore and love adventures.

6. A routine. I'm a creature of habit, I divide my day up according to a schedule and try to stick to it.


HOBBIES
I should spend less time
Rehashing old arguments in my head. I rehearse or rehash conversations constantly, and sadly I often lose them.

MOMENTS
Ideal weekend routine
Wake up early, eat a balanced breakfast then head out of town on an adventure. Try and fail to make it back before dark, then spend the evening hanging out with friends or family.

SECRETS
My biggest regret
My biggest regret is that I spent so much of my 20s devoted to school and work without finding enough time to explore and have fun. I'm playing catch up on the personal development aspect now.

DATING
You should message me if

You like big men and bad jokes.

You want to go explore mountains, take a long walk on the beach, or float down a river.

You want to play board games, card games or video games with cool people.

Honestly at this point I want to meet some cool people and do fun stuff. If we seem like a good fit romantically that is great, but I'm happy to find some friends.

OUTDOORS
If I had to choose between mountains, beaches, and deserts, I’d choose

I would pick a mountain straddling between the boundary between a beach and a desert :p
Mountains first, then beaches, then deserts. I like to climb and smell the trees most.


BOOKS
The book that kept me thinking long after turning the last page.
The Origins of Totalitarianism. Written by Hannah Arendt as an explanation of Nazism from a psychological perspective, anticipated later works on group morality and developed ontology as a method for understanding group actions that seem strange to outsiders.

FOOD & WINE
It's 1am and I'm home alone, my guilty pleasure munchie is...
Nuts and string cheese.

I went on the keto diet in 2016 and don't intend to change it. I've never felt healthier or happier!

COFFEE
Proof I'm a coffee addict
I drink my coffee out of a novelty cup bought at a football game. Two cups of coffee and I have drained the pot.

I switch to tea after noon, and then strictly water after 4. I used to be one of those people who drink caffeine all day long but age has caught up to me and now it keeps me from sleeping.

That's a cool picture! I really like it. But it's absolutely terrible as the primary one on a dating site. You can barely see your face, your hair is covered, orange hats with earflaps aren't the most flattering attire, and a parka makes everyone look larger than they actually are. (Plus your leg is sticking out at a weird angle, but that's less of a thing.)

I'd advise choosing another pic. If you want one from your hikes, try one from the spring or summer. I'd also make sure it's closer up, so we can see your face well. (It doesn't have to just be a headshot, but the face should be clear.)

Other than that, I'm in agreement with the others. While an amusing quote, "despair" is not what you want people to associate with you on a dating profile. Bare minimum, don't make it the first quote.

A lot of the categories (Hobbies, Secrets) you've filled out the negative one, but no positive ones. Fill up those positive aspects! Talk about gaming and hiking in Hobbies!

I'd change the Media -> Food section to just say you're on the Keto diet, rather than a "fairly specialized diet." That sounds like there's complicated medical restrictions, and/or thing they may need to adapt to that might be hard to explain, while also not providing information that's given freely elsewhere.

Also, "self-control and regimentation," while a useful thing, can sound kind of threatening to someone looking to enter a relationship with you. Will that regimentation extend to their life? Will it manifest as a controlling nature? What if they want to be less strict about things? I'd remove this "talent" and let it be covered by the "Needs -> Routine" section.