Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

[Anymage]

...Also, if you want some tips, women love men who can make them laugh, just a thought.

People keep saying that. But whenever I ask a girl out, she starts laughing, and that hasn't gotten me anywhere.

[Anonymouswizard]

...Also, if you want some tips, women love men who can make them laugh, just a thought.

Yeah, that's pretty much the only reason this French girl actually likes me. (Although beware of Anymage's tactic, it's what happened with the last four girls I asked out.)

[Stadge]

Sorry to be a pain guys, but I could do with some help, or failing that just somewhere to ramble...

Is there any non-completely-horrendous way to break up with someone who thinks the world of you, lives with you and you feel responsible for?

Spoiler: Spoilered for length

Show

We’ve been together for three years and have lived together for most of that. For a long time of that I struggled with the caretaker role that has been part of our relationship because of her CFS. Obviously, having it is far worse for her, but it has put a lot of strain on me- never really being able to switch off, always on alert. Our physical relationship is pretty much non-existent (about a year since) and so much time has been spent either actively looking after her or just in a limbo of waiting. I obviously do have my own life and friends, but no matter how well I prep things (complete homemade microwavable meals, flask of tea by her bed, alarms set) 9 out of 10 times if I go out for the day she’s in a worse condition and I feel incredibly guilty.

A few months back I was given the option to relocate to another (cheaper) city with my work- kind of for an indefinite amount of time, but could be recalled back. By cheaper, I mean my salary could rent a 2 bed place reasonably comfortably (home office!). My partner was up for the move, and the plan was that she would see out the lease in the old place (physically- we still split the rent), and then leave her job (that paid barely anything, she hated and caused lots of additional strain on her CFS)- then afterwards go home for a while to get research about her family/culture before moving to the new city and back in with me and writing a book about it (she’d previously been approached).

And that kind of is what happened, minus my GF’s book prep and with another, quite large problem.

The time apart has kind of put things in perspective for me- I’ve been on my own and it’s been kinda nice- like a weight had lifted from me. It’s not as if I’ve been out and having an amazing time (whilst I can afford the larger place- it is more of a financial strain) but I wasn’t on edge, I wasn’t stress eating, and I generally felt less on edge.
As it got closer to her moving in- I started to have panic attacks- I tried to speak to her, but she had no internet back home for skype and her CFS was being too bad to have proper phonecalls. So she moved in 2 weeks ago, and well, my feelings aren’t what they were. I’ve been trying to have things feel as they were- but I’m also terrified of things just being as they were.
I care for her, and I’m doing what I can to help, and to look after her, but, and it’s weird to write this, I don’t think I love her anymore. Or if I do, it’s not enough.

It’s not just the daily stress- it’s the fear of the future (short term- my job may want me to relocate back) and long term (I don’t think we could have a family), and she keeps telling me I’m amazing and it’s eating me up inside.

I think I need to be selfish and end this- though it’s going to be horrible- and I know if I do she’s just going to have to go back to the family until she can find work wherever she wants it (though her old wage wasn’t enough to live on back in the old city) which kinda sucks and she genuinely thinks I’m great and I think it’s going to destroy her.
Financially- I’m not in a perfect place- but as she currently isn’t earning I can sort train tickets, the cost of moving her stuff etc, I can also find places to crash for a few days if needed. Lease-wise- the place is only in my name, and she doesn’t have a job or other commitments here.

So I think the technical/financial/legal side of it will be fine, but as to the rest, how do you go about ending things with someone who you’ve been with for years, who thinks you’re great and lives with you? And especially as there’s no big clear cut reason (like cheating) but just my feelings of long-term incompatibility and my not being strong enough to always be the supportive partner/carer.

And to make matters more complicated- it’s our anniversary this weekend, and the following week/weekend her mother is due to stay for an amount of days.

I know I’m going to be the villain in this, I’ve accepted that, but whilst my feelings aren’t what they were I do care about her- so any advice about what I can do to make it as less-horrible as possible?

Thanks.

[Chen]

Don't think there's any "easy" way to do this. If you're certain (which it seems like you are), there are two options IMO.

1)Tell her the truth. You can't handle being her caretaker for the rest of your life and it caused enough resentment to change how you feel about her.

2)Tell her you want a family in the future and you don't think with her condition it would be feasible so you need to move on.

The latter, while true from what you wrote, clearly doesn't go into full depth of the reasons. It's also less arguable. The former case there could always be promises of "I'll do more to take care of myself" or the like. Either way make sure the exact logistics of where you and her are going to live is settled. You definitely don't want to drag things out here. With the lease in your name it's unfortunately more like kicking her out so I don't know how you are working to arrange that. Get her a hotel room, pay for a flight back to her parents etc.

[Tvtyrant]

Sorry to be a pain guys, but I could do with some help, or failing that just somewhere to ramble...

Is there any non-completely-horrendous way to break up with someone who thinks the world of you, lives with you and you feel responsible for?

Spoiler: Spoilered for length

Show

We’ve been together for three years and have lived together for most of that. For a long time of that I struggled with the caretaker role that has been part of our relationship because of her CFS. Obviously, having it is far worse for her, but it has put a lot of strain on me- never really being able to switch off, always on alert. Our physical relationship is pretty much non-existent (about a year since) and so much time has been spent either actively looking after her or just in a limbo of waiting. I obviously do have my own life and friends, but no matter how well I prep things (complete homemade microwavable meals, flask of tea by her bed, alarms set) 9 out of 10 times if I go out for the day she’s in a worse condition and I feel incredibly guilty.

A few months back I was given the option to relocate to another (cheaper) city with my work- kind of for an indefinite amount of time, but could be recalled back. By cheaper, I mean my salary could rent a 2 bed place reasonably comfortably (home office!). My partner was up for the move, and the plan was that she would see out the lease in the old place (physically- we still split the rent), and then leave her job (that paid barely anything, she hated and caused lots of additional strain on her CFS)- then afterwards go home for a while to get research about her family/culture before moving to the new city and back in with me and writing a book about it (she’d previously been approached).

And that kind of is what happened, minus my GF’s book prep and with another, quite large problem.

The time apart has kind of put things in perspective for me- I’ve been on my own and it’s been kinda nice- like a weight had lifted from me. It’s not as if I’ve been out and having an amazing time (whilst I can afford the larger place- it is more of a financial strain) but I wasn’t on edge, I wasn’t stress eating, and I generally felt less on edge.
As it got closer to her moving in- I started to have panic attacks- I tried to speak to her, but she had no internet back home for skype and her CFS was being too bad to have proper phonecalls. So she moved in 2 weeks ago, and well, my feelings aren’t what they were. I’ve been trying to have things feel as they were- but I’m also terrified of things just being as they were.
I care for her, and I’m doing what I can to help, and to look after her, but, and it’s weird to write this, I don’t think I love her anymore. Or if I do, it’s not enough.

It’s not just the daily stress- it’s the fear of the future (short term- my job may want me to relocate back) and long term (I don’t think we could have a family), and she keeps telling me I’m amazing and it’s eating me up inside.

I think I need to be selfish and end this- though it’s going to be horrible- and I know if I do she’s just going to have to go back to the family until she can find work wherever she wants it (though her old wage wasn’t enough to live on back in the old city) which kinda sucks and she genuinely thinks I’m great and I think it’s going to destroy her.
Financially- I’m not in a perfect place- but as she currently isn’t earning I can sort train tickets, the cost of moving her stuff etc, I can also find places to crash for a few days if needed. Lease-wise- the place is only in my name, and she doesn’t have a job or other commitments here.

So I think the technical/financial/legal side of it will be fine, but as to the rest, how do you go about ending things with someone who you’ve been with for years, who thinks you’re great and lives with you? And especially as there’s no big clear cut reason (like cheating) but just my feelings of long-term incompatibility and my not being strong enough to always be the supportive partner/carer.

And to make matters more complicated- it’s our anniversary this weekend, and the following week/weekend her mother is due to stay for an amount of days.

I know I’m going to be the villain in this, I’ve accepted that, but whilst my feelings aren’t what they were I do care about her- so any advice about what I can do to make it as less-horrible as possible?

Thanks.

Sounds really rough, I'm sorry you're going through that.

I think the only thing you can do is tell the truth.

"I love you, but I am no longer in love with you. I feel that it would be dishonest to stay with you when I no longer feel like we have a future together."

[Cozzer]

Yeah man, the very fact that you use the term "villain" means you've been drawn into a pretty distorted way to look at the thing. Which is perfectly understandable, I mean, that's what would happen (and in a smaller way happened) to me too!

But this is (supposed to be) a relationship. It's something you (are supposed to) want, not something you stay into because of some sense of duty. You don't want it anymore. That's it. You literally don't need any other reason. You don't owe anything to anybody. You don't like her that way anymore, you don't stay with her that way anymore. That's how it's supposed to work.

The thing that you should do out of kindness towards her and towards yourself, is to do this as soon as possible. It will be a huge blow for her, and she'll need time to get back on her feet. You mentioned she was already planning to move back to her parents' for a while, right? Also, I would advise you to avoid any excuses. She'll realize they're excuses and they will make her feel even worse.

And then, after the deal is done, cut (or at least minimize) all contact for a while. You'll feel like a horrible person, like you abandoned somebody who needed you, like you're somehow guilty for all the pain she'll be going through. You'll also feel like you escaped from the rope hanging around your neck just before it could choke you to death. There's no easy way to get rid of that guilt, you just need to slowly get it out of your system, and to do that you need to avoid things that give you more guilt.

[Tvtyrant]

Arrrgh!

I just got done dealing with my first accident. I was in an area I don't know, pulled out of a parking lot onto the main road and was looking to the left to look for an opening when the car in front of me slammed their breaks. I hit mine but couldn't stop in time, rear ended them. Their SUV took a scratch, my tiny car died a tragic, low speed death.

Today sucks.

Edit: meant for this to be general woes thread.

[lio45]

Edit: meant for this to be general woes thread.

We were assuming you had a special relationship with your car. :p

[Tvtyrant]

We were assuming you had a special relationship with your car. :p

Dat muffler....

[dehro]

Would anybody mind taking a look at my OKCupid profile? Curious if I'm committing any accidental faux pas or something.

If you want, I can take a look
send me the link in private, or here, if you prefer

[Tvtyrant]

Here it is, might as well put it up for the judgement of anybody else who wants to take a gander.

The URL is set to profile, so it shows people their own.

[Comrade]

Oops, I thought I'd copied the link to my profile specifically. Thanks for pointing that out.

[lio45]

Wait a minute, you decided to go ahead (for now at least) as a straight male rather than lesbian trans......?

As for your profile, it's well done and interesting. Be aware though that the main skill you'll need to develop (if you haven't had chances yet to hone it well already) isn't profile-writing, but rather how to efficiently message women.

[lio45]

That's how I've decided to present.

Best way to play with the hand you've been dealt, IMO. Good choice. (I obviously have never experienced gender dysphoria personally but I would have to assume it's not impossible to "turn it off" with enough willpower; there are soooo many things in life for which gender doesn't matter that I always figured if some weird magic trick gave me a normal female body overnight, I'd be able to live with it while continuing to feel 100% male inside.)

As for messaging, the most difficult part is usually to get a reply. If you've got a decent first reply rate, I'd say you've cleared the biggest hurdle and you're doing it right so far. :)

[lio45]

Well, I've sent twelve messages, and received replies to five of them; three of those I didn't end up replying to, and two resulted in conversations that, suffice it to say, went silent (could see that coming in one case, in the other, it wasn't expected). Not sure if batting 40% constitutes a decent reply rate...

It's most definitely a great reply rate! And you felt you "could afford" to ignore three-fifths of the messages you received from these potential suitors, that's interesting!

I'd say, just continue to do what you're doing. You may, or not, want to get general advice (from everyone, not just from me) when you'll reach later stages (which is bound to happen, the way you're going) but for now, you seem perfectly fine. Good luck :)

[georgie_leech]

For what it's worth, that's significantly better than my response rate

[Recherché]

I have a friend who's been flirting with me for a while and I hadn't really been responding. She finally sent me a text asking me out among other things. I responded truthfully that while I am kind of attracted to her I don't really think our personalities would work well for a long term relationship. Her response was to ask me out again. Ask if I wanted to give it a try despite everything. I mean do I do kind of like her but... What part of "I don't think we'd be a good relationship long term" makes her think I want to go on a date soon?

[Lissou]

It's fairly similar to my response rate, and as a straight female I have better odds, so I too think it's a great response rate :)

[Glass Mouse]

I have a friend who's been flirting with me for a while and I hadn't really been responding. She finally sent me a text asking me out among other things. I responded truthfully that while I am kind of attracted to her I don't really think our personalities would work well for a long term relationship. Her response was to ask me out again. Ask if I wanted to give it a try despite everything. I mean do I do kind of like her but... What part of "I don't think we'd be a good relationship long term" makes her think I want to go on a date soon?

Maybe she just wants a fling?

It's fairly similar to my response rate, and as a straight female I have better odds, so I too think it's a great response rate :)

Bi cis female here, and 40% is roughly my response rate, too. Also, twelve messages seem like a rather low number to be worrying about?

[dehro]

@comrade
you seem to be doing great, though if sexual identity/dysphoria plays an important role/are an issue in those relationships that go beyond the mere scope of friendship/conversation, you might want to find a way to at least acknowledge it in your profile, lest you are accused of misrepresenting yourself. I completely agree that you are free to be true to yourself, but how you introduce yourself does breed expectations in those you introduce yourself to... and you are stated to be on the market for short term dating, which in many people at the very least brings the option of hanky-panky on the table.
The above is of course completely pointless if you purposedly only contaxt people who are explicitly and outspokenly fine with that situation and/or you clarify the point in your initial approach to them... but you want to also be contacted by the right people, not just ontact them yourself.

As has been noted, you seem to be doing great, so the following are put up merely for your consideration, things to integrate/expand upon, Feel absolutely free to stay as you are and not change a thing, since it's working just fine:
I would consider adding an activity to do together that is social and/or physical... if there is such a thing that you like to do in your life. Your profiile strikes me as very active and highly intellectual, but somewhat reclusive and one-on-one in your potential interactions. This is very fine, but closes the door to women who might feel initially intimidated by intimate the setting. The question "what would a first date look like?" needs to be answered or some people will start thinking "well, ok, interesting, but what am I supposed to do with him other than talking?"
You talk about food and exploring... so spell it out "I could show you the lesser known restaurants/ we could take a cooking class together/we could hit the town/go to do "this other thing" together". Any physical activity you like to do? a sport?
You talk a lot about the things you like, but don't give an insight on the things you feel, your strengths or weeknesses and your character.

again, your profile is very good as is, just, maybe, may result less appealing to a portion of your target demographic than you want it to be or than it could be if you opened the door a little more on the inside, and gave an option or two for something to do together.

[Lissou]

I have a friend who's been flirting with me for a while and I hadn't really been responding. She finally sent me a text asking me out among other things. I responded truthfully that while I am kind of attracted to her I don't really think our personalities would work well for a long term relationship. Her response was to ask me out again. Ask if I wanted to give it a try despite everything. I mean do I do kind of like her but... What part of "I don't think we'd be a good relationship long term" makes her think I want to go on a date soon?

Beats me. Maybe she thought you were saying that because you wanted something short-term?

[lio45]

Maybe it's just me, but tennis is a horrible idea for a date. It doesn't provide any opportunities to chat, plus it pits the two of you against each other. With most of my previous gfs the atmosphere after playing tennis wasn't especially friendly between us (we tend to be competitive, and it's not that easy for the loser to try not to resent the winner) so if you're anything like me, a tennis date would be the best way to make sure it's your last date.

[lio45]

It's fairly similar to my response rate, and as a straight female I have better odds, so I too think it's a great response rate :)

Bi cis female here, and 40% is roughly my response rate, too. Also, twelve messages seem like a rather low number to be worrying about?

You guys have to write first messages?!? I thought you'd be so flooded in incoming messages you wouldn't know where to begin, let alone having to shop for guys to write to that are external to the bunch who've contacted you already.

[Honest Tiefling]

I have a friend who's been flirting with me for a while and I hadn't really been responding. She finally sent me a text asking me out among other things. I responded truthfully that while I am kind of attracted to her I don't really think our personalities would work well for a long term relationship. Her response was to ask me out again. Ask if I wanted to give it a try despite everything. I mean do I do kind of like her but... What part of "I don't think we'd be a good relationship long term" makes her think I want to go on a date soon?

My bet is that she thinks she can change your mind, or as stated, just wants a fling. I am thinking the former, since she just doubled down on the advances. And I don't think she's a bad person for thinking that, attraction makes people do stupid things.

If you do take her up on an offer for a fling, make 100% sure that's how she sees it. But I'm a bit wary that she didn't exactly address your concerns, so I think not pursuing it is better.

[Glass Mouse]

I don't really have a frame of reference for that. I do know-- and I hope this doesn't sound arrogant-- that I very rarely see somebody on OKCupid that I feel particularly attracted to; I have sent a couple of messages to people I wasn't really attracted to, but in retrospect, this seems unfair and I regret that. I don't know if my 'standards' are too high (again, hope that I don't sound full of myself saying that) or if it's just the nature of the medium.

Eh, people use it differently. I've been following the "if they are mostly cute and don't seem likely to skin and wear me, why not?" strategy for a while, and while that's making me want to crawl back to the more selective approach, I've also had some pretty neat dates with people I expected to be bored by. It might be worth widening your standards and allowing yourself to be surprised, if you're not happy with how many people you currently connect with.

You guys have to write first messages?!? I thought you'd be so flooded in incoming messages you wouldn't know where to begin, let alone having to shop for guys to write to that are external to the bunch who've contacted you already.

You may be thinking of the few percent most conventionally attractive women.

I do get a good chunk of messages, but there are long stretches of time where the only things in my inbox are middle-aged men looking for threesomes or dudes whose idea of a profile is to scowl menacingly at a camera. All the cool, funny, interesting people are usually too busy being cool and interesting to write every girl they see.

And hell, I just plain like not being at the mercy of others' whims, and I think it generally makes the world a better place to even things out, and so I write.

[Lissou]

I've received first messages, but not that often. In my case I'm thinking it could be because I'm poly? The guys who do message everyone are easy to spot, they only say "hi" and nothing else in their message (or if they say something else, it's usually sexual) and their profiles are all about monogamous stuff, making it clear they have no idea I'm non-monogamous.

The kind of guy I like, non-monogamous nerds, doesn't send messages very often. I've received a few but I've sent more first messages than I've received. I think it's partly them being shy and partly them being busy? Not sure. Either way I've never had my inbox explode like in the trope, it's often months or longer between first messages.

[Chen]

Maybe it's just me, but tennis is a horrible idea for a date. It doesn't provide any opportunities to chat, plus it pits the two of you against each other. With most of my previous gfs the atmosphere after playing tennis wasn't especially friendly between us (we tend to be competitive, and it's not that easy for the loser to try not to resent the winner) so if you're anything like me, a tennis date would be the best way to make sure it's your last date.

Kinda agree here but more the logistics than the competition. I've played squash on dates before but you're at least close to the person and can talk to them easily. Tennis is yelling across the court which doesn't work well even in a casual game. Competition can be a good way of gauging if the person your with is the same level of competitive as you and how they take winning/losing. That has value.

[ve4grm]

That's true, I just have a hard time coming up with a natural opening message when it comes to people I'm just 'kind of' attracted to-- pardon the clumsy phrasing. I wouldn't want it to feel forced, nor would I want the other person to feel like I'm just messaging them for the sake of sending out messages and fishing for replies. But you're right, you can't always tell just from a profile whether you'll hit it off with somebody, so it's probably worth it.

The big thing, I think, is to not make it about appearance and attraction. Don't go in with "OMG you're beautiful!", instead just grab something interesting off their profile and ask them about it.

"Hey there. How was that trip to Peru you mentioned on your profile? It sounds like it'd be fun!"

Then just chat a while, and see if the attraction builds. Maybe it doesn't. But oh well, you had a decent conversation at least.

[Sholos]

Real talk, am I hideous? Just painfully average? Maybe even mildly aesthetically pleasing? Just from this photo:

Spoiler

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[AuthorGirl]

Real talk, am I hideous? Just painfully average? Maybe even mildly aesthetically pleasing? Just from this photo:

Spoiler

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From that picture, you appear to be nonexistent.

Sorry.