Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

[Sivarias]

In my experience, it's best to put out relationship vibes from the get go. People box things pretty quick, and once your in the friend box, your trying to overcome to much inertia to form a relationship.

"I really like you, want to grab dinner sometime" can work wonders. :-D

[ve4grm]

I sure hope so, but the fact that she brought up her partner and then said she couldn't meet up as planned makes me think I'm probably not going to be hearing from her again.

It sounds like she may have realized your and her perceptions of the situation were different, and felt awkward. Note that this doesn't mean there's no future friendship to be had, just that the one-on-one "date" was awkward enough to cancel.

So yeah, I'd leave the friendship offer on the table, and still be friendly towards her. It's up to her if she grabs at it or not.

(Alternately, something just came up, and the awkwardness is all in our heads.)

It's good to have caught it before anyone got emotionally invested, regardless of outcome.

[AuthorGirl]

Thanks, I needed that. The realization for me was I spent the next 48ish hours snapping at everyone and everything. My inner cynic came out full force, and I borrowed a cigarette at work (something I've only ever done before on super stressful days, like maybe 10 times in the last year, and the day was super chill).

In other news, I got bloodwork back and finally figured out what was wrong with me. My pituitary gland more or less shut down, so weekly booster shots for 1-2 years, check to see if it reset itself, repeat! The doc says I should be high as kite on dopamine from the 20th to the 7th give or take a few days on either end, but I don't want to risk it.

*Shakes head* I still feel like a bad guy for bailing on CHRISTMAS of all holidays though. That guilt's not going away for a while.

Christmas is twelve freakin' days. Be gentle to yourself. Don't do it.

[Sivarias]

Christmas is twelve freakin' days. Be gentle to yourself. Don't do it.

Thanks. I honestly just needed permission, and my wife absolutely hates the *ahem* witch. So she's far from impartial.

[AuthorGirl]

Thanks. I honestly just needed permission, and my wife absolutely hates the *ahem* witch. So she's far from impartial.

This would be witch with a capital B?

And you're welcome

[Sivarias]

This would be witch with a capital B?

And you're welcome

*fingerguns*

[AuthorGirl]

So uh . . . in the moderately humorous situation that, hypothetically, one seemed to be developing a crush on one's ex's new girlfriend . . .

Help??


(Somehow I doubt there are many solutions to this except time and good sense, but I thought it would be amusing to y'all.)

[ve4grm]

So uh . . . in the moderately humorous situation that, hypothetically, one seemed to be developing a crush on one's ex's new girlfriend . . .

Help??


(Somehow I doubt there are many solutions to this except time and good sense, but I thought it would be amusing to y'all.)

Hello, rom com department? We have a plot for you!

In seriousness, though? Yeah, don't. Nothing good can come from (purposely) getting between a couple, regardless of gender.

[JNAProductions]

So uh . . . in the moderately humorous situation that, hypothetically, one seemed to be developing a crush on one's ex's new girlfriend . . .

Help??

(Somehow I doubt there are many solutions to this except time and good sense, but I thought it would be amusing to y'all.)

Yeah, disaster waiting to happen. What I'd do is take a deep breath, tell yourself that it's a bad idea, and distract yourself. Play some videogames, or some D&D, read a book, but don't focus on the new girl.

[AuthorGirl]

Hello, rom com department? We have a plot for you!

In seriousness, though? Yeah, don't. Nothing good can come from (purposely) getting between a couple, regardless of gender.

Yeah, disaster waiting to happen. What I'd do is take a deep breath, tell yourself that it's a bad idea, and distract yourself. Play some videogames, or some D&D, read a book, but don't focus on the new girl.

You guys are right, yeah. Mostly sharing for the stupid annoying comedic value.

Feelings are so inconvenient sometimes!

[Cozzer]

@AuthorGirl: I assume advising you to write a theatrical script about the whole thing would count as "bad advice", so I will limit myself to wondering whether I should advise it.

But yeah, sometimes one's feelings seem to like making things as hard as possible on purpose.

[qechua]

So, I may have spent yesterday evening on a date. We cuddled up on the sofa and watched Deadpool (the most romantic of romantic movies ). After Mr Pool was finished, she asked why no-one had snapped me up before, I kinda told her I was asexual, and that while I really liked her, there were other factors at play. I also told her I was very inexperienced about everything, despite being 32. She responded by kissing me, and we may have spent about an hour making out (in her words, lesson 1, with further lessons to follow )

Aside from her now going to America for 3 weeks, there's no problem, I just kinda wanted to post my good news story and to say that you guys helped me come to terms with my asexuality, for which I am very thankful.

[dehro]

[Anonymouswizard]

It's nice to hear good news anyway. Glad it's working out for you!


Man, my French girl (she'll get mad at me for saying that, but it's the easiest way) decided to not come over this month, so I'm next going to be seeing her in person sometime in January where hopefully I'll be able to make a trip to Paris. Going to be scary, it'll be the first time meeting the parents of somebody I like, and I don't even speak their language properly! I think I've got the basics down, be polite, don't insult their religion, don't mention how I want to be alone in a locked room with their daughter, so I'm excited. It'll be the first time I'll have seen her in person in months, and that's always going to be a good thing.

[ve4grm]

Deadpool (the most romantic of romantic movies )

There's a reason it came out on valentine's day! (And its posters claimed it was a romantic comedy.)

Congrats!

It's nice to hear good news anyway. Glad it's working out for you!


Man, my French girl (she'll get mad at me for saying that, but it's the easiest way) decided to not come over this month, so I'm next going to be seeing her in person sometime in January where hopefully I'll be able to make a trip to Paris. Going to be scary, it'll be the first time meeting the parents of somebody I like, and I don't even speak their language properly! I think I've got the basics down, be polite, don't insult their religion, don't mention how I want to be alone in a locked room with their daughter, so I'm excited. It'll be the first time I'll have seen her in person in months, and that's always going to be a good thing.

Just remember: "Bonjour! Je ne parle pas Francais. Ou es le toilette?"

[JNAProductions]

You guys are right, yeah. Mostly sharing for the stupid annoying comedic value.

Feelings are so inconvenient sometimes!

True. Very true.

So, I may have spent yesterday evening on a date. We cuddled up on the sofa and watched Deadpool (the most romantic of romantic movies ). After Mr Pool was finished, she asked why no-one had snapped me up before, I kinda told her I was asexual, and that while I really liked her, there were other factors at play. I also told her I was very inexperienced about everything, despite being 32. She responded by kissing me, and we may have spent about an hour making out (in her words, lesson 1, with further lessons to follow )

Aside from her now going to America for 3 weeks, there's no problem, I just kinda wanted to post my good news story and to say that you guys helped me come to terms with my asexuality, for which I am very thankful.

That's awesome! I hope you and your lady friend have nothing but great times.

[Anonymouswizard]

Just remember: "Bonjour! Je ne parle pas Francais. Ou es le toilette?"

I'm assuming that's 'Good day! I don't speak much French. where is the toilet'. Now all I need to know is 'no, I wasn't trying to take your daughter's clothes off. Honest' and I'll be sorted. Off to ask the girlfriend what the French is.

[AuthorGirl]

I'm assuming that's 'Good day! I don't speak much French. where is the toilet'. Now all I need to know is 'no, I wasn't trying to take your daughter's clothes off. Honest' and I'll be sorted. Off to ask the girlfriend what the French is.

Uh, so . . . this is a common situation?

[Anonymouswizard]

Uh, so . . . this is a common situation?

Well not in reality, she's of the 'wait until marriage' persuasion. She even refuses to stay with me when she visits London now, to stop herself from being tempted

[ve4grm]

I'm assuming that's 'Good day! I don't speak much French. where is the toilet'. Now all I need to know is 'no, I wasn't trying to take your daughter's clothes off. Honest' and I'll be sorted. Off to ask the girlfriend what the French is.

Basically, yes. More accurately "I don't speak French", not just that you don't speak much. (The "ne" and "pas" together form the negative.) Though once they hear your accent, I'm pretty sure everyone will know you don't actually speak the language (much).

For the second one, Google Translate is actually very accurate! I was trying to figure it out from my grade school Canadian French classes (which is somewhat different from Parisian French), and had to turn to it. https://translate.google.ca/#auto/fr...0clothes%20off

"Je n'essayais pas de retirer les vêtements de votre fille."

[Comrade]

So... this is kind of the complete opposite of what this thread normally entails, but I feel like it works here anyway: how do you make it clear (without being overbearing or uncomfortably straightforward) that you aren't asking somebody on a date? I feel like a lot of the time if somebody asks a person of the 'opposite sex' (to use binary terms, pardon me) to stay in touch, the assumption is their intention is romantic in nature. So how do you signal you're just interested in an acquaintanceship/friendship without prefacing it with something tactless like 'hey, totally not asking you out or anything, but...' ?

[wkwkwkwk1]

So, asking for second-hand help here. The situation is as follows:

A friend of mine isn't yet 100% ready to move on from their ex, a situation not helped at all by the fact that said ex isn't even completely off the table for future rekindling. Another person is quite likely into my friend, knows of their ex, and might be harming their friendship because of it. The new person (who my friend has actually grown to be quite fond of) is now detaching themselves from them at an alarming rate, and seems to have no time to talk to them, even upon request, while appearing to behave normally with others.

My current advice is for my friend to give the new person the space they need, while trying not to fully break contact. Is this okay at all? Is there anything I should add?

Thank you, guys! ^_^

That, and I'd say déshabiller (/de.za.bi.je/, or de[as in dengue]-za[with an open A as in ark]-bee-ye[with a closed E as in enter]), or "undress" would be more colloquial instead of retirer les vêtements, literally "removing the clothes"

[dehro]

Well not in reality, she's of the 'wait until marriage' persuasion. She even refuses to stay with me when she visits London now, to stop herself from being tempted

on the plus side, french cheese goes well with most things, blue balls included

[lio45]

don't mention how I want to be alone in a locked room with their daughter

Normally, she should be willing, so there should be no need for the room to be locked :P

[lio45]

There's a reason it came out on valentine's day! (And its posters claimed it was a romantic comedy.)

Congrats!



Just remember: "Bonjour! Je ne parle pas Francais. Ou es le toilette?"

"Où sont les toilettes?"

On your side of the pond, alternatively, may be instead "où sont les WC?" (pronounced "vécés")

[Crow]

So... this is kind of the complete opposite of what this thread normally entails, but I feel like it works here anyway: how do you make it clear (without being overbearing or uncomfortably straightforward) that you aren't asking somebody on a date? I feel like a lot of the time if somebody asks a person of the 'opposite sex' (to use binary terms, pardon me) to stay in touch, the assumption is their intention is romantic in nature. So how do you signal you're just interested in an acquaintanceship/friendship without prefacing it with something tactless like 'hey, totally not asking you out or anything, but...' ?

Well I know you don't like the "tactless" approach, but why don't you just say it straightforward?

"This was pretty fun, we should do it again sometime. I can give you my number, or maybe you can give me yours so we can keep in touch. FYI, This isn't like a pickup thing, in case your wondering; I just had fun and wouldn't mind hanging out again if you had time."

A recurring theme in all the time I've followed these threads is that the people here seem to make things a lot more complicated by *****-footing around the things they really want to say.

Be confident. Be clear. Save yourself from a lot of stupid problems.

My wife's is also straightforward. She says to say: "I enjoy being your friend; let's hang out some more."

[Cozzer]

I agree with Crow and with being straightforward. If you want to avoid being tactless, make sure to emphasize more how you like them as a friend than how you don't like them as a potential partner.

[Anonymouswizard]

Basically, yes. More accurately "I don't speak French", not just that you don't speak much. (The "ne" and "pas" together form the negative.) Though once they hear your accent, I'm pretty sure everyone will know you don't actually speak the language (much).

For the second one, Google Translate is actually very accurate! I was trying to figure it out from my grade school Canadian French classes (which is somewhat different from Parisian French), and had to turn to it. https://translate.google.ca/#auto/fr...0clothes%20off

"Je n'essayais pas de retirer les vêtements de votre fille."

Well it'll certainly be useful, but I've heard that babbling and looking awkward is apparently a universal sign, so it might be fallen back on if I can't remember the words.

on the plus side, french cheese goes well with most things, blue balls included

Okay, I'll admit, you'll make me chuckle. Partially because we were arguing over French Onion Soup earlier (I adore it, she hates any food involving liquid), but mostly because I just find it funny. Unfortunately I don't think making the balls smelly as well as blue will endear me to anybody.

Normally, she should be willing, so there should be no need for the room to be locked :P

How else am I supposed to keep Wandering Parents out?

[AMFV]

Normally, she should be willing, so there should be no need for the room to be locked :P

The room is locked to avoid others coming in, not to prevent you two from leaving.

[Stadge]

Hi Playground,
But of a ramble coming. I've posted on here a few times over the last couple of years about my relationship, and well, ended it yesterday.

NOTE: I'm on my phone, if someone could tell me how to do spoiler tags, I'll hide most of this.

Spoiler: Spoilered for length/to avoid clogging up the thread

Show

It was sad for both of us. Devastating really. And the same today when she wanted to meet. I know it was my decision, and I know she'll be hurting more, but I feel like there's a huge hole in me now.
Knowing we're not going to sit and watch Netflix together, or hold hands while we sleep (I get too hot for cuddles) has really hit me.
I'm trying to remind myself that whilst if I'd asked her to marry me she would have, it wouldn't have worked and been what we both really wanted.
There were lots of bad stretches every day, but the little bits of good each day made it not just bearable, but nice- but ultimately it was a relationship where the 'now' isn't perfect, but was good, but the future sucked, and after 3 years together, almost all of it living together, the future can't help but loom.
I loved her, still do, and she really loves me, more than I've loved her and that's made me feel so guilty

I'm not going back on this, I know it wouldn't help, damage would be done, but it sucks to break someone's heart and just erase a future with someone you really care about.

I'm going forward with the sessions my new (really first one I've clicked with) therapist in the new year. Part of me wishes I'd found that route sooner, that maybe the problems I saw in our relationship wouldn't have overwhelmed me, that maybe I'd be able to do less, instead of feeling I need to shoulder everything. It wasn't my only reason for the split, but I do genuinely think I wouldn't be able to sort the things I need to sort in myself, whilst also looking after the us, when the us involves so much physical/medical pain, frustration and sadness.

I don't really know what I'm writing here for, mostly to use words I guess. I'm really not looking at future relationships and won't be for a long time, we kind of fell into this one, a proper 'meet-cute' and i have no idea how the future will work.

EDITED: Now with spoiler-tags