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  1. - Top - End - #61
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    My ex-boyfriend just got together with another girl. It really hurts, especially since we'd practically set the date for reassessing and possibly trying again . . . I don't want to feel bitter. I especially don't want to hope they break up. But it's hard to let go like that.

    Part of me thinks maybe he has the right idea, might as well move on with life since obviously he doesn't want to try again all that badly . . . yeah I know you guys have already said that's a great idea. More so since I am sort of pining right now and that's not healthy. But the thing is, I don't want to find someone else - I don't want someone to just fill a role. I want to be close to the person I love. Since that's not going to happen (I doubt I could trust him to stay with me even if he said he wanted to), I really want to be the way I was before. Happily single. And I was genuinely happy without romantic feelings for anyone for almost three years. I enjoyed that. I was clear in myself and I had so few worries compared to when I try to be in relationships.

    But I love him and that's not going to go away. I just don't know how to shift it back to loving him as a friend.
    Ugh, yeah, that's gotta hurt a lot. Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, this is one of those things where there are no quick, easy fixes - it's gonna hurt for a while, and mostly you need time.

    You've got the right intuition here, though: He is not interested in a romantic relationship with you, and you need to move on eventually. It's okay if it takes a while, it's okay if it hurts. It's okay if you can't handle friendship right now. But he's not coming back, so you're right, you need to move towards rediscovering the happily single person you were.

    What did you do back then? With what did you fill your time? What were the friends you leaned on? If you don't naturally feel happily single, you can still act like a person who is, and your emotions will catch up eventually. Fake it 'til you make it, basically. It's standard breakup advice for a reason.

    Do you need to cut contact with your ex for a while? It is okay to tell him that you understand the permanence of the breakup and therefore need time to get over it, so you need to stop contact for... three months? I don't know what feels reasonable for you. For me, this period of no contact has been absolutely key to keeping sane and eventually recreating friendship.

    You'll be okay. You just need time to heal. Hugs, if you want them.
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  2. - Top - End - #62
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    Not really a woe or a question of advice, just curious as to the thoughts of some of the folks who frequent this thread: at what point, in your estimation, does a series of dates become a relationship?
    You ask each other, definitely. Because the other person isn't sure either, so whoever loses their patience with the uncertainty first will say something awkward-sounding and the other will then clear it up.

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    But I love him and that's not going to go away. I just don't know how to shift it back to loving him as a friend.
    Distance might help. If you spend some time apart and maybe switch to a slower form of communication (like letter-writing), you might be able to evolve the relationship to something more platonic where you can love him as a friend.
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  3. - Top - End - #63
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Glass Mouse View Post
    Ugh, yeah, that's gotta hurt a lot. Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, this is one of those things where there are no quick, easy fixes - it's gonna hurt for a while, and mostly you need time.

    You've got the right intuition here, though: He is not interested in a romantic relationship with you, and you need to move on eventually. It's okay if it takes a while, it's okay if it hurts. It's okay if you can't handle friendship right now. But he's not coming back, so you're right, you need to move towards rediscovering the happily single person you were.

    What did you do back then? With what did you fill your time? What were the friends you leaned on? If you don't naturally feel happily single, you can still act like a person who is, and your emotions will catch up eventually. Fake it 'til you make it, basically. It's standard breakup advice for a reason.

    Do you need to cut contact with your ex for a while? It is okay to tell him that you understand the permanence of the breakup and therefore need time to get over it, so you need to stop contact for... three months? I don't know what feels reasonable for you. For me, this period of no contact has been absolutely key to keeping sane and eventually recreating friendship.

    You'll be okay. You just need time to heal. Hugs, if you want them.
    What did I do back then? I played D&D (with the wonderful friend who is now my ex) and wrote (usually talking about it with my only writer friend, who is now my ex). What friends did I lean on? Mostly the one who's now my ex. And he's still such a good friend. And I want to be someone he can count on, someone who makes him happy, even just as a person.

    Fake it 'til you make it is good advice, though, thanks. And thanks for the hugs.

  4. - Top - End - #64
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    What did I do back then? I played D&D (with the wonderful friend who is now my ex) and wrote (usually talking about it with my only writer friend, who is now my ex). What friends did I lean on? Mostly the one who's now my ex. And he's still such a good friend. And I want to be someone he can count on, someone who makes him happy, even just as a person.

    Fake it 'til you make it is good advice, though, thanks. And thanks for the hugs.
    I would strongly advise on not forcing yourself to activities that include him, no matter how much it's something that you used to do. You're clearly hurt and need your space, and that's what comes first at this point. Not saying you should stop being friends with him, no, but I think in this case it's probably good if you distance yourself by a smidge to let yourself think and heal.
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  5. - Top - End - #65
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by FinnLassie View Post
    I would strongly advise on not forcing yourself to activities that include him, no matter how much it's something that you used to do. You're clearly hurt and need your space, and that's what comes first at this point. Not saying you should stop being friends with him, no, but I think in this case it's probably good if you distance yourself by a smidge to let yourself think and heal.
    Yeah. That sounds best. I mean, no way I'm dropping out of the D&D campaign (that would just make all my friends mad), but I can handle that much contact. I love talking to him and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but you're right that I need time. Our conversations are 80% calculated half-truth these days anyway, at least on my side.

    Well I'm going to go play MTG with the "Nerd Herd" (my friend group) now, and he'll be there. I'll see if that's too much interaction but hopefully it isn't. Isn't information gathering fun . . .

  6. - Top - End - #66
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Should I end a relationship because I realized I知 demanding too much of the person I知 with and not giving anything back in return?

    I知 also not in the position to give anything back in return anytime soon.

    Am I being abusive?

  7. - Top - End - #67
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Luz View Post
    Should I end a relationship because I realized I知 demanding too much of the person I知 with and not giving anything back in return?

    I知 also not in the position to give anything back in return anytime soon.

    Am I being abusive?
    I don't think you should end the relationship for that reason. It seems to me kind of disrespectful to your partner to make the choice for them (ok to do it for yourself of course) to end the relationship - it suggests that you think you know better than them what is best for them.

    It also doesn't sound like abuse as I think of the word.

    It might be being selfish, and I think you are being misleading if you are allowing them to think something (like that you will change) when you know it to be false. But the solution to that is to be upfront, not to end the relationship.

  8. - Top - End - #68
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Luz View Post
    Should I end a relationship because I realized I知 demanding too much of the person I知 with and not giving anything back in return?

    I知 also not in the position to give anything back in return anytime soon.

    Am I being abusive?
    That's not abusive that's just a "one sided relationship".

  9. - Top - End - #69
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Luz View Post
    Should I end a relationship because I realized I知 demanding too much of the person I知 with and not giving anything back in return?
    It's up to the other person to decide if you're demanding too much or not. If you have poor self-esteem or confidence, you're likely to feel like the relationship is just you taking and them giving without much in return, but that's often just the lack of self-esteem talking. If you really want clarity, you need to be honest with your partner and let them know that you feel like the dynamic of the relationship is skewed; most of the time (I'd speculate, at least), they'll tell you it's not the case at all and that they don't feel at all like you don't give them anything to be happy about. After all, if being with you didn't make them happy, they wouldn't be with you, plain and simple. Worst case scenario, if there really is a problem, then being honest will enable you to work with your partner to fix them, which is much better than just ending the relationship without making an effort to improve.
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  10. - Top - End - #70
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Are you paying for everything? Like all those fancy places you listed? You seem very proud of it and they don't seem cheap. Maybe he's just with you for the money. That's a possibility.
    Last edited by Orcus The Vile; 2017-07-10 at 10:26 PM.

  11. - Top - End - #71
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Luz View Post
    Should I end a relationship because I realized I知 demanding too much of the person I知 with and not giving anything back in return?

    I知 also not in the position to give anything back in return anytime soon.
    My (slightly different) perspective: if that's an honest assessment* of how you see the relationship and you don't think your partner would end it even if they wanted to, that is legitimate grounds to end it yourself.

    Some people just suck at getting themselves out of bad relationships and it can be a massive boon for them when the other partner sees what's going on and takes the initiative.

    *As opposed to low self-esteem on your part.
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  12. - Top - End - #72
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    Yeah. That sounds best. I mean, no way I'm dropping out of the D&D campaign (that would just make all my friends mad), but I can handle that much contact. I love talking to him and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but you're right that I need time. Our conversations are 80% calculated half-truth these days anyway, at least on my side.
    Yeah, that's not good at all.

    Can I just say something about hurting his feelings? That is okay. He just hurt your feelings very much but that doesn't make him a bad person or mean that he doesn't care for you. It means he made a decision that was necessary. It seems he is trying to minimize hurt by being friendly (and by being vague about the breakup, which is the worst hurt-reduction technique in history and has never let to anyone feeling less hurt and confused - but immature and cowardly people still keep using it! (sorry, tangent)). But he hurt your and he had to do it for his own piece of mind.

    You get to hurt him a little bit in return. Not vindictively, of course, that would make no sense, but if it would hurt him to not talk to you daily for a few months, alright. That's the cost he'll pay for breaking up with you, and he knows this. If it would hurt him to know that you're actually feeling sad about this, good, that means he's a good friend, that means he'll know to support you in whatever you choose.

    If his feelings are hurt because you have to react reasonably to something hurtful he did, that's fine. It's fine to let him share a little bit of the burden he has put on you. Which is not to say he needs to be the person you lean on, because that's a baaaaaad idea, but if your boundaries hurt him, that's okay. You get to think of yourself, too.

    Quote Originally Posted by Luz View Post
    Should I end a relationship because I realized I知 demanding too much of the person I知 with and not giving anything back in return?

    I知 also not in the position to give anything back in return anytime soon.

    Am I being abusive?
    Breaking up with someone "for their own good" is never not super condescending.

    Not giving as much as you get is not inherently abusive. Just be honest with the person about your circumstances and how much is likely gonna change, and let them make their own decisions. No coercion or condescension, just open communication.

    Unless you need to break up because your guilt is eating at you (which is reasonable enough, sometimes we don't want to be the kind of person a certain relationship enables in us), but then recognize that you're doing it for you, not for their sake.
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  13. - Top - End - #73
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Luz View Post
    Should I end a relationship because I realized I知 demanding too much of the person I知 with and not giving anything back in return?

    I知 also not in the position to give anything back in return anytime soon.

    Am I being abusive?
    My boyfriend has told me at some point that he felt like he was getting a lot from me and was giving very little. However, I never felt that way. If he broke up with me over that, I would be devastated. Your partner may get things out of the relationship that you don't realise. At any rate, as I've said in another thread, it's their decision here. I feel like breaking up with someone because you think they're not getting enough from it is a bit condescending, like they don't know better and you have to step in and let them know or something.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Luz View Post
    Should I end a relationship because I realized I知 demanding too much of the person I知 with and not giving anything back in return?

    I知 also not in the position to give anything back in return anytime soon.

    Am I being abusive?



    Why would you want to end that?

    If you're feeling guilty, start cooking some meals for them, even if the results are awful, they'll usually appreciate the effort.

    Start watching PBS cooking shows.

    PM me for some recipes.

    Just making coffee and eggs for when they wake up is usually good enough.

    I know from another thread that you don't stay together at your apartment, so bring the supplies to there's.

    Long lasting relationships are often about shared memories anyway.

    People want to be known, and sometimes that's enough.
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  15. - Top - End - #75
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Glass Mouse View Post
    Yeah, that's not good at all.

    Can I just say something about hurting his feelings? That is okay. He just hurt your feelings very much but that doesn't make him a bad person or mean that he doesn't care for you. It means he made a decision that was necessary. It seems he is trying to minimize hurt by being friendly (and by being vague about the breakup, which is the worst hurt-reduction technique in history and has never let to anyone feeling less hurt and confused - but immature and cowardly people still keep using it! (sorry, tangent)). But he hurt your and he had to do it for his own piece of mind.

    You get to hurt him a little bit in return. Not vindictively, of course, that would make no sense, but if it would hurt him to not talk to you daily for a few months, alright. That's the cost he'll pay for breaking up with you, and he knows this. If it would hurt him to know that you're actually feeling sad about this, good, that means he's a good friend, that means he'll know to support you in whatever you choose.

    If his feelings are hurt because you have to react reasonably to something hurtful he did, that's fine. It's fine to let him share a little bit of the burden he has put on you. Which is not to say he needs to be the person you lean on, because that's a baaaaaad idea, but if your boundaries hurt him, that's okay. You get to think of yourself, too.
    That's good advice, thank you.

    Yeah, as for the hurt-reduction strategy, I agree with you 100%. It doesn't help. It especially doesn't help when someone says "I haven't forgotten about us, let's try again in maybe half a year" and then finds somebody new in the same week. (Is my bitterness showing?)

    Anyway. Sticking to neutral conversation ("Hi, how was your day? That's nice.") works well, it lets us at least keep seeming like friends - which is good because, no matter how hurt I feel, I'm still going to try my best not to spread it around. Sure, it's a little cold, but maybe that'll help teach me to stop hoping for another chance. As there is no reason to hope for that.

    Moderate distance works. Now I guess I'm just waiting for everything to settle down inside.

  16. - Top - End - #76
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Lissou View Post
    My boyfriend has told me at some point that he felt like he was getting a lot from me and was giving very little.
    There's this sentiment going around, that in a good relationship both people feel like they're getting more than they give, and somehow the math works out. It's pretty apt.

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    Yeah, as for the hurt-reduction strategy, I agree with you 100%. It doesn't help. It especially doesn't help when someone says "I haven't forgotten about us, let's try again in maybe half a year" and then finds somebody new in the same week. (Is my bitterness showing?).
    Ugh ugh ugh uuuugggh. I mean, I understand the feeling behind it (it's been 2/3 of a year since I broke up with my ex and I'm still holding out hope that we'll somehow magically work out one day). But it's just cruel to involve the other person in your lies to yourself.
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  17. - Top - End - #77
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    That's good advice, thank you.

    Yeah, as for the hurt-reduction strategy, I agree with you 100%. It doesn't help. It especially doesn't help when someone says "I haven't forgotten about us, let's try again in maybe half a year" and then finds somebody new in the same week. (Is my bitterness showing?)

    Anyway. Sticking to neutral conversation ("Hi, how was your day? That's nice.") works well, it lets us at least keep seeming like friends - which is good because, no matter how hurt I feel, I'm still going to try my best not to spread it around. Sure, it's a little cold, but maybe that'll help teach me to stop hoping for another chance. As there is no reason to hope for that.

    Moderate distance works. Now I guess I'm just waiting for everything to settle down inside.
    You're hurt. You have a right to be. You don't need to be friends. You can seem like friends, but you're under no obligation to do anything else.

    Especially since his actions were, well, kinda bull****.

    But really, it's pretty rare to stay friends with your ex, regardless of what people claim. What's slightly more common is to become friends with them *again* at some point in the future. But you're not there. Don't be there. It's not your job to make him feel better. Outright hostility probably doesn't help either, but polite distance is perfectly cool.

    Did he get back together with crush-girl or was it someone totally different?
    Last edited by kyoryu; 2017-07-13 at 04:42 PM.

  18. - Top - End - #78
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by kyoryu View Post
    You're hurt. You have a right to be. You don't need to be friends. You can seem like friends, but you're under no obligation to do anything else.

    Especially since his actions were, well, kinda bull****.

    But really, it's pretty rare to stay friends with your ex, regardless of what people claim. What's slightly more common is to become friends with them *again* at some point in the future. But you're not there. Don't be there. It's not your job to make him feel better. Outright hostility probably doesn't help either, but polite distance is perfectly cool.

    Did he get back together with crush-girl or was it someone totally different?
    Someone totally different as "crush-girl" is together with another of our mutual friends.

  19. - Top - End - #79
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Guy that I'm interested in said he wants to get to know me better and wants to meet me next week.

    I'm like a stupid teenage girl right now
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  20. - Top - End - #80
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by FinnLassie View Post
    Guy that I'm interested in said he wants to get to know me better and wants to meet me next week.

    I'm like a stupid teenage girl right now
    I'm happy for you!! Good luck out there

  21. - Top - End - #81
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by FinnLassie View Post
    Guy that I'm interested in said he wants to get to know me better and wants to meet me next week.

    I'm like a stupid teenage girl right now
    Right on. I hope all goes well!
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by FinnLassie View Post
    ...I'm like a stupid...

    I hope stupid with giddy excitement.

    Best wishes!

  23. - Top - End - #83
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    I'm happy for you!! Good luck out there
    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    Right on. I hope all goes well!
    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    I hope stupid with giddy excitement.

    Best wishes!
    Thanks! Still feelin' that giddy blushing feel, but at the same time I'm relatively cautious. I guess it comes from the denial that I felt quite a while that there's no chance someone would be interested in me. What I mean is that I don't want to go into this with rose tinted glasses. This is because in a sense the man in question shares my religious beliefs, we have the same outlook to an extent in life as well as both of our love towards gaming. You know, like an ideal partner. But I should get away from thinking too deep right now.
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  24. - Top - End - #84
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by FinnLassie View Post
    Thanks! Still feelin' that giddy blushing feel, but at the same time I'm relatively cautious. I guess it comes from the denial that I felt quite a while that there's no chance someone would be interested in me. What I mean is that I don't want to go into this with rose tinted glasses. This is because in a sense the man in question shares my religious beliefs, we have the same outlook to an extent in life as well as both of our love towards gaming. You know, like an ideal partner. But I should get away from thinking too deep right now.
    Should you? I mean, obviously it's best to go slowly, enjoy things, and not rush into anything. But feeling confident about your long-term chances is a good thing, isn't it?

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    Should you? I mean, obviously it's best to go slowly, enjoy things, and not rush into anything. But feeling confident about your long-term chances is a good thing, isn't it?
    Ain't nothing wrong with feeling confident about a relationship, but one should avoid getting ensnared in the 'oh my goodness they're perfect for me in every way' mindset. It's at best likely to result in some disappointment-- and anyway, the beauty of a relationship lies as much in all the places the two partners don't align as in the places where they do. I reckon FinnLassie has the right idea.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    I've found that it's better not to pin all of your hopes onto a single person, or to make another analogy don't put all of your eggs into a single basket. Dunno, I feel like I've been too burned and become too jaded to feel that kind of hope in a person again.

    This doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy the ride, just, don't have expectations.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Meeting up with the guy went ok. Still reserved about the whole deal - maybe I'm not ready for a relationship right now.
    Spoiler: but oh Lord the mess I am in
    Show
    I guess the fact that I have three guys interested in me at the current moment makes me confused altogether. Like... there is a possibility that I don't have to pick the first guy. Not saying that I am gonna start two-timing with these guys, never. But the whole concept of someone actually finding me attractive, especially more than one... it's a new one for me.
    I used to think that I alone have to make the active moves and decisions, be quick before the first suitable guy disappears. I hope this makes sense...
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    So between the people I've met online going for one date and then vanishing, and actually asking the friends I've asked out who declined, I've come to the conclusion that while I'm not a major creep or otherwise turning people away, but... Well, I apparently give off no sense of chemistry. Like, if I were a character in a dating sim, I'd be a background supporting cast with no stat screen; you wouldn't even think about if I would be fun to date.

    So... how do I go about changing that? Vague, broad advice would be helpful, as I have no idea where to start.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by georgie_leech View Post
    I apparently give off no sense of chemistry.
    Have you tried spraying yourself with strongly-scented chemicals before you go out? I've heard that engaging multiple senses at the same time can help you catch people's interest.

    ...I was going to put that in blue text but, like, maybe it's good advice? I don't know, I'm no expert in this either.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by FinnLassie View Post
    Meeting up with the guy went ok. Still reserved about the whole deal - maybe I'm not ready for a relationship right now.
    Spoiler: but oh Lord the mess I am in
    Show
    I guess the fact that I have three guys interested in me at the current moment makes me confused altogether. Like... there is a possibility that I don't have to pick the first guy. Not saying that I am gonna start two-timing with these guys, never. But the whole concept of someone actually finding me attractive, especially more than one... it's a new one for me.
    I used to think that I alone have to make the active moves and decisions, be quick before the first suitable guy disappears. I hope this makes sense...
    Ah. Yes. "I'd better nail this down because I won't have a chance again". It's a popular frustration before people hit the point of "anyone I'm into doesn't notice me, and anyone who likes me leaves me feeling cold".

    The early stages of a crush are fun. Enjoy them. But the early dating stages are also about getting a sense of how well you two mesh before you commit heavily. So for now, enjoy the feeling and go out and have low-stakes fun with him. If you're compatible, you'll still be compatible a month down the line and you'll be better positioned to DTR. If not, you got to enjoy the process and learn more about yourself. Take some deep breaths, don't stress, and just enjoy the process for what it is.

    Quote Originally Posted by georgie_leech View Post
    So between the people I've met online going for one date and then vanishing, and actually asking the friends I've asked out who declined, I've come to the conclusion that while I'm not a major creep or otherwise turning people away, but... Well, I apparently give off no sense of chemistry. Like, if I were a character in a dating sim, I'd be a background supporting cast with no stat screen; you wouldn't even think about if I would be fun to date.

    So... how do I go about changing that? Vague, broad advice would be helpful, as I have no idea where to start.
    Spoiler: How about some vague advice about broads?
    Show


    (Mentally put a blue filter on that whole picture if you like.)

    Serious advice? The best way to not stand out is to try and appeal to everybody. That just leads to focus-grouped blahness.

    I don't know what you like. But find your shtick and own it.* Even if you wind up turning some people off. You don't get points for a lot of people saying "they're okay, I guess". You want to stick in people's heads, and be particularly likely to click to people who are highly compatible with you. So find things you like doing - particularly active doing type things over passive fanboyish consumption - and go in whole hog.

    *(There are a couple of advanced topics here, like how it's okay to tweak yourself a little if you have an explicit type you like and you want to preferentially appeal to them. Or as counter-advice to the last point, how you should be mindful that you don't hyper-specify "your type" to the point that they're not practically - or literally - nonexistent. But for the basics, "find your shtick and go all in" is a good place to start.)

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