Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

[dehro]

whilst rebound sex sounds like fun, rebound relationship doesn't, in any way shape or form.

[AuthorGirl]

Hoo boy... um, being romantically "in-love" (distinct from loving) is a kind of wonderful or terrible madness, not unlike being intoxicated, and something to be enjoyed for what it is, but also wary for what it is and is not.

From your description it doesn't sound like you're that compatible as life partners (I wish I could think of a better term).

From what you've described, I would have a very hard time trusting or feeling comfortable with him again.

IIRC, young in-love is much stronger than after you've developed more calluses on your heart, and the object of your affection is much more "under your skin". As a guess you and he are under 25 years old (brains/minds are still in flux)?

If that's the case, I wouldn't guess either of you is ready for a long term relationship (FWIW I was 21 when I met my future wife, but I'd already had my "heartbroken" before then).

I would definitely advise not rushing into his arms, and if you do get back together make the terms clear.

Under 25, yes; (wonderful and) terrible madness, yes. And I could seriously use a break from it, so yeah, I'll probably be doing the sensible thing and taking said break. Life is weird enough without the fluttery feelings.

[druid91]

So a bit of an odd conundrum here. So I've been on a dating site for a while. I check it every so often, more if I'm actually talking to someone which I usually am not. So I checked it today, and I had a message from someone else that wasn't a spam bot trying to get me to sign up for some seedy off site thing.

The person on the other end is interesting, cute, etc. However, there's one issue. I live in an area that can generally be described as hyper conservative. Racism is a very real thing and in particular flairs up around inter-race relationships... and this person is of a different race than me, which isn't a problem for me, but at the same time I'm not sure if that's a can of worms I want to open at this point in my life. But on the other hand, is it right to let that discourage me from talking to someone?

[Comrade]

So a bit of an odd conundrum here. So I've been on a dating site for a while. I check it every so often, more if I'm actually talking to someone which I usually am not. So I checked it today, and I had a message from someone else that wasn't a spam bot trying to get me to sign up for some seedy off site thing.

The person on the other end is interesting, cute, etc. However, there's one issue. I live in an area that can generally be described as hyper conservative. Racism is a very real thing and in particular flairs up around inter-race relationships... and this person is of a different race than me, which isn't a problem for me, but at the same time I'm not sure if that's a can of worms I want to open at this point in my life. But on the other hand, is it right to let that discourage me from talking to someone?

I can definitely understand your reluctance-- and I don't know just how bad the stigma against interracial relationships in your area is, so take what I say with a grain of salt, because I'm speaking from ignorance here-- but short of the threat of physical imperilment, I don't think you should let it discourage you in this case. Aside from the fact that I'm given to understand men on dating sites almost never actually receive opening messages (they're apparently usually relegated to sending them off, and having very few of them receive responses, at that), it sounds like you're attracted to this person at first glance. At the very least, you should respond and see if it ends up going anywhere.

[2D8HP]

...So I've been on a dating site for a while....

Sorry I have no direct experience with "dating sites" as I met my wife before those were commonly used, so I can't give much advice about that.

... The person on the other end is interesting, cute, etc. However, there's one issue. I live in an area that can generally be described as hyper conservative. Racism is a very real thing and in particular flairs up around inter-race relationships... and this person is of a different race than me, which isn't a problem for me, but at the same time I'm not sure if that's a can of worms I want to open at this point in my life. But on the other hand, is it right to let that discourage me from talking to someone?

Okay, as both of my sons are "mixed race" I can give some advice after all!

It's hard but learning to hold your tongue to avoid violence when bigots talk nonsense is very good practice for continued employment, though sometimes it just gets to be hard to keep my temper in check, sucb as when some idiot defended the Klan at a former job (my father is of Irish Catholic descent, my mother is of Jewish descent, and my wife and sons are not white, so I have triple reasons to dislike the Klan), yes I listed the reasons I disagreed with his opinion, starting with the cross that was burned outside of my grandmother's school to scare her, her classmates, and her teachers (this was in the 1920's).

Since the guy was buddies with the Foreman, I lost that job (good riddance!), but I better learned to keep my mouth shut later, and yes it can be stressful, but if you only date "within the race", then you're really limiting who you allow yourself to fall in love with, as most of the world's population has different skin colors. If you're like me, shape makes a bigger difference than color in terms of who you find attractive, and the odds of finding someone compatible would've been too poor if I only comsidered those as pasty as me.

[dehro]

So a bit of an odd conundrum here. So I've been on a dating site for a while. I check it every so often, more if I'm actually talking to someone which I usually am not. So I checked it today, and I had a message from someone else that wasn't a spam bot trying to get me to sign up for some seedy off site thing.

The person on the other end is interesting, cute, etc. However, there's one issue. I live in an area that can generally be described as hyper conservative. Racism is a very real thing and in particular flairs up around inter-race relationships... and this person is of a different race than me, which isn't a problem for me, but at the same time I'm not sure if that's a can of worms I want to open at this point in my life. But on the other hand, is it right to let that discourage me from talking to someone?

I'd say, do some soul searching and make sure you are in fact not blaming the social environment you live in for an unease you yourself foster.
If you are positive that you are 100% ok with the notion of your partner being your partner irrespective of her "race", then there is really not much of an argument against you pursuing this potential relationship. Peer pressure or social pressure can be strong, but really.. are you going to let your life be dictated by others, in such an important matter?

If we're not ready to embrace and even enact the change, we can't really blame certain things on the environment we live in.
Conservativism is one thing, racism another. The latter should be vilified and put aside by any person who has an ounce of decency.
I trust you are such a person and that you'll give this potential relationship the consideration it deserves putting aside what others may think of it.
Just to clarify, I'm not advocating you give this girl a shot purely to stick it to the racists around you... I just wish you the best of luck, is all.
Honestly, if this turns out to be the girl of your life, I expect you'll gladly open that can of worms and even eat them, if need be... and if the racism around you gets to a point that it makes things unbearably difficult to manage, then maybe you should either move away or make a stand, irrespective of whether you're in a relationship with someone of a different colour than yourself... whether it's this girl or the next.
As for generic dating advice, leave your options open, man... Girls that approach you first are already rare even without you cutting off entire subsets of those girls based on what people may think or do.

[FinnLassie]

I'm kinda anxious about starting an across-the-ocean-and-a-bunch-of-land type of a LDR. Then again, I really see potential here. My mind's a bit all over the place right now. I want to become more and more dedicated to this, but I'm scared. Thankfully with this mister, we're actually talking quite openly, or at least starting to. It's a bit awkward as we're both very shy, but...

HURRBLGLRBRLLLL.

[kyoryu]

I'm kinda anxious about starting an across-the-ocean-and-a-bunch-of-land type of a LDR. Then again, I really see potential here. My mind's a bit all over the place right now. I want to become more and more dedicated to this, but I'm scared. Thankfully with this mister, we're actually talking quite openly, or at least starting to. It's a bit awkward as we're both very shy, but...

HURRBLGLRBRLLLL.

So, like, how does it resolve? Do you move there, or do they move to you? Are either of you willing to do so?

I met my wife online, and she was a good 2,000 miles away. But we understood, early on, that if anything came of it she'd move in with me, and that's something she was willing to consider, so it worked.

[Coidzor]

Have you talked about how and when you would cease to be in an LDR?

[FinnLassie]

This is a really fresh case, but we're starting to crack down to the essentials. I don't want to have the lable of a relationship yet, as, well, we need to talk about the aforementioned essentials (logistics being one example). My heart is pounding so fast just thinking all of this.

[druid91]

I'd say, do some soul searching and make sure you are in fact not blaming the social environment you live in for an unease you yourself foster.
If you are positive that you are 100% ok with the notion of your partner being your partner irrespective of her "race", then there is really not much of an argument against you pursuing this potential relationship. Peer pressure or social pressure can be strong, but really.. are you going to let your life be dictated by others, in such an important matter?

If we're not ready to embrace and even enact the change, we can't really blame certain things on the environment we live in.
Conservativism is one thing, racism another. The latter should be vilified and put aside by any person who has an ounce of decency.
I trust you are such a person and that you'll give this potential relationship the consideration it deserves putting aside what others may think of it.
Just to clarify, I'm not advocating you give this girl a shot purely to stick it to the racists around you... I just wish you the best of luck, is all.
Honestly, if this turns out to be the girl of your life, I expect you'll gladly open that can of worms and even eat them, if need be... and if the racism around you gets to a point that it makes things unbearably difficult to manage, then maybe you should either move away or make a stand, irrespective of whether you're in a relationship with someone of a different colour than yourself... whether it's this girl or the next.
As for generic dating advice, leave your options open, man... Girls that approach you first are already rare even without you cutting off entire subsets of those girls based on what people may think or do.

So to be slightly more clear. Some of these racists I am worried about, are family members. This is not so much "Chuck, that dude I see at the super market every now and then." This is my stepfather. Who went full inquisition on my sister over this exact same issue.

I think I'm going to at least talk to her, (Not like they can monitor my internet or anything.) But at the same time I do have to acknowledge that if I choose to start a relationship with her, I'm going to be igniting a bunch of drama.

[Liquor Box]

So a bit of an odd conundrum here. So I've been on a dating site for a while. I check it every so often, more if I'm actually talking to someone which I usually am not. So I checked it today, and I had a message from someone else that wasn't a spam bot trying to get me to sign up for some seedy off site thing.

The person on the other end is interesting, cute, etc. However, there's one issue. I live in an area that can generally be described as hyper conservative. Racism is a very real thing and in particular flairs up around inter-race relationships... and this person is of a different race than me, which isn't a problem for me, but at the same time I'm not sure if that's a can of worms I want to open at this point in my life. But on the other hand, is it right to let that discourage me from talking to someone?

I can understand the people that say you should put aside the racist tendancies of your society (including your family) and by all means gt jiggy with this person.

But in saying that I can understand your concern as well. It sounds like it will be hard to deal with the fallout of dating this person. It is easy for someone sitting on the internet to tell you that you should be strong and take whatever flak comes your way, but they are not the one who has to deal with it. Even if they have dealt with something similar in their own life that does not mean that you need to make the same call. Rosa Parks was great and worthy of praise, but that doesn't mean every person who didn;t do the same is worthy of scorn.

I hope you do decide to date this person, but if you decide not to because you are nervous about people's reactions I do not think you should feel bad about it. I assume doing it with him in secret isn't on the table?

[Icewraith]

So to be slightly more clear. Some of these racists I am worried about, are family members. This is not so much "Chuck, that dude I see at the super market every now and then." This is my stepfather. Who went full inquisition on my sister over this exact same issue.

I think I'm going to at least talk to her, (Not like they can monitor my internet or anything.) But at the same time I do have to acknowledge that if I choose to start a relationship with her, I'm going to be igniting a bunch of drama.

Well, if you're lucky, your stepfather will be sexist AND racist so it won't be as big a deal as it was with your sister. Who has already weakened this particular taboo for you.

[lio45]

So to be slightly more clear. Some of these racists I am worried about, are family members. This is not so much "Chuck, that dude I see at the super market every now and then." This is my stepfather. Who went full inquisition on my sister over this exact same issue.

I think I'm going to at least talk to her, (Not like they can monitor my internet or anything.) But at the same time I do have to acknowledge that if I choose to start a relationship with her, I'm going to be igniting a bunch of drama.

LOL, sounds like someone got two scoops of self-esteem in their Raisin Bran this morning! :P

She sent you one message on an online dating site and you think it's up to you to decide whether or not to accept her as your girlfriend.....

Honestly, there's zero doubt about this: if you find her interesting, ignore the race issue for the time being, and just talk to her. I don't want to be overly pessimistic, but what's likely to happen is that you'll exchange a few messages without even reaching the date level. That's perfectly normal, and that's the way to go - there's no other way to gain online dating XP.

[georgie_leech]

LOL, sounds like someone got two scoops of self-esteem in their Raisin Bran this morning! :P

She sent you one message on an online dating site and you think it's up to you to decide whether or not to accept her as your girlfriend.....

Honestly, there's zero doubt about this: if you find her interesting, ignore the race issue for the time being, and just talk to her. I don't want to be overly pessimistic, but what's likely to happen is that you'll exchange a few messages without even reaching the date level. That's perfectly normal, and that's the way to go - there's no other way to gain online dating XP.

...Isn't that what he said? That is, he was looking for advice on whether this was something worth pursuing at all, no? Trying to weigh what he wants (a relationship) against the consequences (racist relatives, among others); that doesn't need to be a 100% sure thing to worry about any fallout.

[lio45]

...Isn't that what he said? That is, he was looking for advice on whether this was something worth pursuing at all, no?

And my advice, as I said, is that there's zero doubt that at this stage, it's 100% worth pursuing. As a rule of thumb, if a given potential dealbreaker hasn't materialized yet, you don't need to end an otherwise promising relationship because you think that potential dealbreaker might maybe show up someday.

[Sholos]

Anyone have any advice for a 32-year old who's never even been close to a relationship let alone in one and has basically no outlets to meet new people? I've tried my FLGS. All men, or older married women or girlfriends of the guys there. I've tried bars; I feel out of place since everyone is 10 years younger than me, better socially equipped, and way more attractive. My entire friend group is non-single and doesn't know anyone that's single (or at least has never offered to introduce me to anyone). The only girls I see around at all are at work and way younger than me, generally not single (I'm beginning to believe that there are no girls in existence that are actually single unless they want to be, in which case...) and are, you know, coworkers. So... I don't even know at this point.

[lio45]

I met my wife online, and she was a good 2,000 miles away. But we understood, early on, that if anything came of it she'd move in with me, and that's something she was willing to consider, so it worked.

I'm going to assume you two both were within the same country, though. That's completely different. Same culture, no immigration hurdles, and wherever your couple ends up in your country each of you will probably have relatives or friends nearby or accessible - while for that last point, the Finn in Brazil or the Brazilian in Finland will have a grand total of zero relatives and acquaintances from his/her previous life in the country.

It's doable, but the main problem isn't actually sheer distance.

[S@tanicoaldo]

Anyone have any advice for a 32-year old who's never even been close to a relationship let alone in one and has basically no outlets to meet new people? I've tried my FLGS. All men, or older married women or girlfriends of the guys there. I've tried bars; I feel out of place since everyone is 10 years younger than me, better socially equipped, and way more attractive. My entire friend group is non-single and doesn't know anyone that's single (or at least has never offered to introduce me to anyone). The only girls I see around at all are at work and way younger than me, generally not single (I'm beginning to believe that there are no girls in existence that are actually single unless they want to be, in which case...) and are, you know, coworkers. So... I don't even know at this point.

Apps maybe?

[Anymage]

Anyone have any advice for a 32-year old who's never even been close to a relationship let alone in one and has basically no outlets to meet new people? I've tried my FLGS. All men, or older married women or girlfriends of the guys there. I've tried bars; I feel out of place since everyone is 10 years younger than me, better socially equipped, and way more attractive. My entire friend group is non-single and doesn't know anyone that's single (or at least has never offered to introduce me to anyone). The only girls I see around at all are at work and way younger than me, generally not single (I'm beginning to believe that there are no girls in existence that are actually single unless they want to be, in which case...) and are, you know, coworkers. So... I don't even know at this point.

Two big questions. What are you doing now, and what are you willing to do differently?

Most of the time when people have persistent difficulties finding someone, the problem is that they expect relationships to work in some way entirely different from how they work in reality. I can give you some ideas. Some of which will require lots of effort, some of which will offend more delicate sensibilities, many of which will do both. But all will require potentially significant changes. If you're not willing to make substantiative changes, you can't reasonably expect substantially different results.

[Jon_Dahl]

Thank you, everyone, for the advice. Sorry that I haven't replied anything, but there's actually a deeper issue here. I'm going to write about it in Personal Woes thread.

[Lissou]

My entire friend group is non-single and doesn't know anyone that's single (or at least has never offered to introduce me to anyone).

Have you asked them? Because I know I would never introduce someone to my single friends on my own. That would seem pretty rude and awkward. And if you haven't asked... maybe do so?

[FinnLassie]

I'm going to assume you two both were within the same country, though. That's completely different. Same culture, no immigration hurdles, and wherever your couple ends up in your country each of you will probably have relatives or friends nearby or accessible - while for that last point, the Finn in Brazil or the Brazilian in Finland will have a grand total of zero relatives and acquaintances from his/her previous life in the country.

It's doable, but the main problem isn't actually sheer distance.

I'm trying to gather where the Brazil came from, since I never mentioned the country of origin of this guy. which isn't Brazil

I agree with you though - personally I feel like the toughest thing about an LDR, especially intercontinental, is the fact that very likely the only socially mutual thing is the couple itself. Adjusting to the rest in my experience is much more taxing (although doable).

[druid91]

LOL, sounds like someone got two scoops of self-esteem in their Raisin Bran this morning! :P

She sent you one message on an online dating site and you think it's up to you to decide whether or not to accept her as your girlfriend.....

Honestly, there's zero doubt about this: if you find her interesting, ignore the race issue for the time being, and just talk to her. I don't want to be overly pessimistic, but what's likely to happen is that you'll exchange a few messages without even reaching the date level. That's perfectly normal, and that's the way to go - there's no other way to gain online dating XP.

And yes, that's what's likely to happen but I generally don't want to presume that something will never come up. That way lies getting run over by the boulder you set into motion. It would be highly rude to her to just blithely assume that our conversation will come to nothing neh? And even ruder to expose her to aforementioned drama without having thought about it first.

: P

[lio45]

I'm trying to gather where the Brazil came from, since I never mentioned the country of origin of this guy.

Seemed just as good a place as any to pick for an example of a country that's "across-the-ocean-and-a-bunch-of-land" from Finland.

(Statistically, his country of origin is probably the USA. But you're right, you didn't mention it, and you didn't need to, as it's not really relevant to your situation.)

(also - you mustn't have tried very hard to figure out where Brazil came from as an example if you didn't manage to...)

I agree with you though - personally I feel like the toughest thing about an LDR, especially intercontinental, is the fact that very likely the only socially mutual thing is the couple itself. Adjusting to the rest in my experience is much more taxing (although doable).

Agreed. However, if by luck there's one of the two that has few friends and isn't close to his/her family at all and also likes the idea of living life in the other person's country, those are at least good circumstances (i.e. augurs well).

My own two cents: it's definitely worth pursuing, at this time. (I always lean on the "why not?" / "what's the worst that can happen?" side regarding relationship advice; it's always worked well for me.)

[Aedilred]

I'm trying to gather where the Brazil came from, since I never mentioned the country of origin of this guy.

Presumably a reference to Jon_Dahl's dating misadventures.

[Sholos]

Have you asked them? Because I know I would never introduce someone to my single friends on my own. That would seem pretty rude and awkward. And if you haven't asked... maybe do so?

Yup. I've asked if they know anyone, and everyone they know are also married/in a relationship.

Two big questions. What are you doing now, and what are you willing to do differently?

I'm not sure what you mean. My weekly schedule at this point consists mostly of work, watching anime with friends one night, playing games with the same friends another night, and that's about it. I've mentioned what I've already tried as well.

[Chen]

Yup. I've asked if they know anyone, and everyone they know are also married/in a relationship.



I'm not sure what you mean. My weekly schedule at this point consists mostly of work, watching anime with friends one night, playing games with the same friends another night, and that's about it. I've mentioned what I've already tried as well.

In general, after you're done school you have a couple of common options:
- Bars/clubs and the like
- Group social activities
- Work
- Apps and online dating

You mentioned trying the first two (at least the second to a degree with your FLGS). Work can be a tricky one but I know a lot of people who met their significant other at work. These tend to be more organic transitions though from colleague to friend to significant other, rather than just asking people out. There's also all sorts of risks there so it is definitely something to approach carefully.

Otherwise the last one about online dating and apps is probably the most likely to be successful one. You're introduced directly into a pool of people who are also looking for a significant other. It's not perfect and you'll likely need to send many messages and not get many meaningful replies but its still something.

If you're opposed to that for whatever reason, other social activities are probably the best. Find your local community center and see what types of activities there are for people your age. Volunteering is also a possibility where you can meet other people.

[kyoryu]

I'm going to assume you two both were within the same country, though. That's completely different. Same culture, no immigration hurdles, and wherever your couple ends up in your country each of you will probably have relatives or friends nearby or accessible - while for that last point, the Finn in Brazil or the Brazilian in Finland will have a grand total of zero relatives and acquaintances from his/her previous life in the country.

It's doable, but the main problem isn't actually sheer distance.

Oh, totally understood. But there's logistical hurdles, and dealbreakers.

The dealbreaker, in this case, is "is either of them potentially willing to uproot their entire life and move to be with the other one?" Like, obviously not "right now", but at some point in the future?

If yes, then go. If not, then there's no future.

The logistics are obviously an issue, but a solvable one. The willingness to actually do the move (given the logistics, of course) is the potential dealbreaker.

[kyoryu]

Anyone have any advice for a 32-year old who's never even been close to a relationship let alone in one and has basically no outlets to meet new people? I've tried my FLGS. All men, or older married women or girlfriends of the guys there. I've tried bars; I feel out of place since everyone is 10 years younger than me, better socially equipped, and way more attractive. My entire friend group is non-single and doesn't know anyone that's single (or at least has never offered to introduce me to anyone). The only girls I see around at all are at work and way younger than me, generally not single (I'm beginning to believe that there are no girls in existence that are actually single unless they want to be, in which case...) and are, you know, coworkers. So... I don't even know at this point.

So, two basic options:

1) Online dating. This is literally why online dating exists, whether you use an app or not. Throw out a bunch of messages, and try to just go out for a cup of coffee. From there, see what happens.

2) Find an activity you enjoy that is at least neutral on the male/female ratio. Do the activity. Especially if it involves other people. You'll then get a chance to meet people.

Bars aren't a great idea for meeting people, *unless you actually just enjoy going to bars*. At which point it becomes an example of the second one.