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  1. - Top - End - #181
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by kyoryu View Post
    Ugh. You know what I'm going to say to this.
    Yeah, these exact things . . .


    Quote Originally Posted by FinnLassie View Post
    This is getting more and more toxic as the time goes on.

    I'm going to be very blunt: don't talk to him unless it's on a social setting with other people. Don't listen to him. Take time to yourself. Let yourself loose of him. Focus on things that do not involve him.
    And while I'm at it, maybe I should think about how dependent I am on a very meagre handful of people, of which he is one? Not saying I won't try for some distance, just saying all my interests have gradually become tied to friends who (somehow, miraculously) share them . . . it'll be a little bit difficult to get space.


    Personally, I find the whole deal of "maybe in the future" extremely bad, toxic, you name all the negative words. You say "unless we both change a lot between then and now". You likely will. But just because you change doesn't mean that it's going to work then. It obviously isn't working now... there is such a slim chance it'll work in the future.
    And then some more detail on why it's bad and toxic:

    Quote Originally Posted by lacco36 View Post
    Well... most people suggest "let go of him"... but let's review what you can actually gain by accepting his proposal:
    - you will burn/evade all other potentially better relationships for time equal to ([older]-[current age]) years while waiting for him.
    For the record, that's unlikely to matter. I don't meet people. (That's an aside, though.)

    - you will be able to actually spend time thinking about IF and WHEN's of the "he will be at relationship with me!. You will most probably be aware of multiple other partners in his life.
    Ugh, yeah, I've actually been through that particular emotional mess once already.

    - you will be allowed to build a fantasy of perfect relationship with him IF he decides to honor his side of the agreement. And then you will be able to observe how very different the fantasy is from reality and will be able to watch how the spiral completes and whatever happened at first will happen again. You will be able to work out another agreement that you'll try it again later.
    - you will most probably, be sick of this mess, unhappy and your only consolation will be, that maybe - MAYBE - in n years he will come and say "I want you!".

    And even then you won't have any guarantee - ANY - that it will work.

    Ok, these are the "gains" - losing any possible relationships that could work, being sad, miserable and feeling worthless for next few years (I assume [older] is measured in years), and then - most probably - him telling you that he's not interested anymore.
    So an extension of this mess, only going even more sour with time. Okay, I definitely want to avoid that.

    ...want me to tell you how it feels?
    Heh. Thanks, but I think I can guess how it feels.


    Quote Originally Posted by kyoryu View Post
    Or, to put it more succinctly, DTMFA.
    Or, to put it somewhat more clearly, get well clear before you lose your mind. I must admit, you guys make a pretty convincing case.

  2. - Top - End - #182
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    So I've been thinking of asking a classmate of mine on a date
    She said yes! No solid day or time yet, since she said she had plans this coming week (I'm kind of kicking myself for not offering a specific date when she asked when rather than 'whatever works for you, I'm pretty free now that the quarter's out', though), but she gave me her phone number and we agreed to make plans sometime. Granted...

    Quote Originally Posted by lio45 View Post
    There's a lot hinging on that. For all we know, from your description, she likes you as a female college acquaintance... and might very well agree to spend time with you in an outside-of-school context, but then in her head it would be as friends.
    ... there is the possibility of that. At least there was no overt indication that she wanted to make explicit that she meant as friends, but if there's any ambiguity in the future, I'll try and get clarification.

    I just feel kind of proud of myself for actually going for it in any case. I feel sort of like this was partially to prove to myself that I really am back to the confident, assertive person I used to be before I became an anxious wreck, so I'd have been pretty happy even if she'd said no or made it clear it would be only as friends. At least I'd have tried instead of letting the opportunity pass by and regretting it later.
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    : THOG NOW SCHRÖDINGER's ORC!
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    If you ever see Hitler riding a T-Rex in your direction - you, my friend, are a very unlucky person.
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  3. - Top - End - #183
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    OldWizardGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by FinnLassie View Post
    Curious, what does DTMFA mean?
    Dump The (Not Nice Person) Already

  4. - Top - End - #184
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    She said yes! No solid day or time yet, since she said she had plans this coming week (I'm kind of kicking myself for not offering a specific date when she asked when rather than 'whatever works for you, I'm pretty free now that the quarter's out', though), but she gave me her phone number and we agreed to make plans sometime. Granted...



    ... there is the possibility of that. At least there was no overt indication that she wanted to make explicit that she meant as friends, but if there's any ambiguity in the future, I'll try and get clarification.

    I just feel kind of proud of myself for actually going for it in any case. I feel sort of like this was partially to prove to myself that I really am back to the confident, assertive person I used to be before I became an anxious wreck, so I'd have been pretty happy even if she'd said no or made it clear it would be only as friends. At least I'd have tried instead of letting the opportunity pass by and regretting it later.
    Congrats! And that's a healthy attitude to have I think. like you said, regardless of how things go you still worked up the nerve to ask. Nothing ventured and all, right?
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  5. - Top - End - #185
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    DrowGirl

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    She said yes! No solid day or time yet, since she said she had plans this coming week (I'm kind of kicking myself for not offering a specific date when she asked when rather than 'whatever works for you, I'm pretty free now that the quarter's out', though), but she gave me her phone number and we agreed to make plans sometime. Granted...



    ... there is the possibility of that. At least there was no overt indication that she wanted to make explicit that she meant as friends, but if there's any ambiguity in the future, I'll try and get clarification.

    I just feel kind of proud of myself for actually going for it in any case. I feel sort of like this was partially to prove to myself that I really am back to the confident, assertive person I used to be before I became an anxious wreck, so I'd have been pretty happy even if she'd said no or made it clear it would be only as friends. At least I'd have tried instead of letting the opportunity pass by and regretting it later.
    Well done. It would have been worse to die wondering than to have been rejected, being her saying yes is better than both.

  6. - Top - End - #186
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    She said yes! No solid day or time yet, since she said she had plans this coming week (I'm kind of kicking myself for not offering a specific date when she asked when rather than 'whatever works for you, I'm pretty free now that the quarter's out', though), but she gave me her phone number and we agreed to make plans sometime. Granted...



    ... there is the possibility of that. At least there was no overt indication that she wanted to make explicit that she meant as friends, but if there's any ambiguity in the future, I'll try and get clarification.

    I just feel kind of proud of myself for actually going for it in any case. I feel sort of like this was partially to prove to myself that I really am back to the confident, assertive person I used to be before I became an anxious wreck, so I'd have been pretty happy even if she'd said no or made it clear it would be only as friends. At least I'd have tried instead of letting the opportunity pass by and regretting it later.
    Cheering for you anyway! Good luck

  7. - Top - End - #187
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by 3SecondCultist View Post
    I'm sorry, but I don't feel like that is a valid question. My feelings towards C are deeply ingrained in who I am: we've been dating for long enough that she is one of the most important parts of my life. Our history means that I'm not going to be able to rationally weigh how I feel about her in the scenario you've described.

    Furthermore, V has a committed boyfriend, and they've been dating almost as long as C and I have. Hell, I've met him, and they seemed pretty cozy. So in this exercise, I would of course always pick C - but the experiment itself fails because I'm not really looking to swap partners, or compare the two. My problem is not that I want to be with V, but rather how I feel about flirtations that have already happened.
    Couldn't disagree more regarding the validity of the question - but you totally answered it in your post.

    Which should settle it - you did nothing wrong. As Xapi pointed out, everyone likes to feel desirable. There's a huge chasm between harmless flirting and actually cheating.
    Offer good while supplies last. Two to a customer. Each item sold separately. Batteries not included. Mileage may vary. All sales are final. Allow six weeks for delivery. Some items not available. Some assembly required. Some restrictions may apply. All entries become our property. Employees not eligible. Entry fees not refundable. Local restrictions apply. Void where prohibited. Except in Indiana.

  8. - Top - End - #188
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    In general, after you're done school you have a couple of common options:
    - Bars/clubs and the like
    - Group social activities
    - Work
    - Apps and online dating

    You mentioned trying the first two (at least the second to a degree with your FLGS). Work can be a tricky one but I know a lot of people who met their significant other at work. These tend to be more organic transitions though from colleague to friend to significant other, rather than just asking people out. There's also all sorts of risks there so it is definitely something to approach carefully.

    Otherwise the last one about online dating and apps is probably the most likely to be successful one. You're introduced directly into a pool of people who are also looking for a significant other. It's not perfect and you'll likely need to send many messages and not get many meaningful replies but its still something.

    If you're opposed to that for whatever reason, other social activities are probably the best. Find your local community center and see what types of activities there are for people your age. Volunteering is also a possibility where you can meet other people.
    I've tried online dating. Had more dates from that than anything else, but my luck and appeal eventually ran out and I stopped seeing any results. Never got past a first date anyways. I think I'm just inherently super repulsive in any kind of romantic sense.

    Quote Originally Posted by Anymage View Post
    Just for an example. If I told you that girls liked gym bros, would you be willing to become a gym bro?

    Here's what lies at the heart of the matter. Making tiny changes and working within your comfort zone hasn't yielded any real results to date. The next logical step is to start making some more significant changes and step further outside your comfort zone. This in turn requires a willingness to take risks and jettison ideas that, in practice, have only served to hold you back.

    So again. Using gym bro as an example and not holy writ as to What Women Really Want, would you be willing to make that change in the name of better situating yourself?
    If you mean, will I change who I fundamentally am, then no? Because what's the point if you have to give up everything about yourself that makes you you.
    Tali avatar by the talented Thormag.

  9. - Top - End - #189
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    AssassinGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    For the record, that's unlikely to matter. I don't meet people. (That's an aside, though.)
    For the record, I'll ask you in a year if you decide to dump him (and proceed with the idea). And you'll owe me a chocolate if you meet someone

    However, what I meant is... there is a huge difference between "I don't usually meet people, but if I happen to meet someone who works for me I'll give it a try" and "I don't usually meet people, so I am fine with ignoring the possible romance to wait for Mr. Imperfect to finally slither to me".

    And yeah, widening your social circle would be one of suggested steps if possible.

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl
    Ugh, yeah, I've actually been through that particular emotional mess once already.
    Good for you! At least you know what you don't want in a relationship!

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl
    So an extension of this mess, only going even more sour with time. Okay, I definitely want to avoid that.
    Relationships usually fail for some reasons. It's a very small probability that the reason goes away just by "getting older". Also: review the reasons why the relationship failed. Can any of these be solved just by adding time? Realistically?

    Or would you need a full overhaul of your/his character for it to work?

    In second case, time never helps.

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl
    Heh. Thanks, but I think I can guess how it feels.
    Well, I meant how it feels when you actually spend these few years. For no result.

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl
    Or, to put it somewhat more clearly, get well clear before you lose your mind. I must admit, you guys make a pretty convincing case.
    One more thing. I'll put it into spoilers, because it's somewhat... blunt and direct. And I will also most probably sound like a hole of a donkey

    Spoiler: The really bad part
    Show

    There are usually two "issues" with relationship which can be solved by the "let's meet up in x years" thing.
    First is distance (which however assumes you will work to overcome it) and second is having some previous attachments (e.g. signing up for army, etc.) which would ruin the relationship but will not ruin friendship and possible chance of relationship after it ends (but it also assumes that neither of you will look for a partner in the meantime).

    This is - from what I gather - neither.

    So what is the gain?

    For him, it's easy to pinpoint: he has a safety belt against loneliness. In case all his future relationships fail, you'll be there for him (not as a friend, but as... supplement). And he doesn't have to be afraid of failing in relationships.

    You know how people get more attractive when they are not single? Because they are not desperate to find a mate - so they are more at ease. By "staying by his side", waiting for the future relationship, you are giving him the advantage of being more attractive by not having to find a mate. After all, if it doesn't work he only has to call you.

    For you... not so much. He's the one with certainty - and you're his certainty.

    You know one sure way to ruin any relationship? Take someone for granted. I see relationships that burn due to this all the time - you take someone for granted, soon they become "non-special". Along comes someone special - not better, just someone who is not a certainty. The End.

    But one thing - we can talk, you can read it - but the result is, unless you decide, on your own, that you want a working relationship and are willing to do something for it... yeah, it's a losing battle. It will only lead to you posting there, people offering sympathy/advice and you going deeper and deeper into the personal hell of seeing someone you want to spend your life with being with other people. And being happy.

    Do you want to be happy? Do you want to have a working relationship?

    Prepare to work for it.

    Rant end

    ...and by the way... it can be done. You are able - and you have right for a healthy, working relationship, in which you are happy. Don't throw it away.
    Call me Laco or Ladislav (if you need to be formal). Yes, that is my name. Feel free to use it.
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  10. - Top - End - #190
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sholos View Post
    I've tried online dating. Had more dates from that than anything else, but my luck and appeal eventually ran out and I stopped seeing any results. Never got past a first date anyways. I think I'm just inherently super repulsive in any kind of romantic sense.
    I get the impression that you tend to solely blame yourself for this and that can lead to depression and does not help with your confidence. If that's the case then I can relate, because I also used to think only I was entirely to blame for my lack of success with women (granted, this was not entirely untrue), but after considerable improvement and years of experience I came to realize that I was actually not the only common factor. Contemporary dating culture tends to be toxic to both women as well as men and just as there is a set of typically male behaviors and attitudes that contribute to that toxicity, I have noticed that so too there is a set of typically female behaviors and attitudes that do that (perhaps not to the same degree or severity, but it's definitely there).

    My point is: keep making improvements and building your life, but don't blame yourself so much for lack of romantic success because chances are it isn't because of you.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    Cheering for you anyway! Good luck
    Quote Originally Posted by Liquor Box View Post
    Well done. It would have been worse to die wondering than to have been rejected, being her saying yes is better than both.
    Quote Originally Posted by georgie_leech View Post
    Congrats! And that's a healthy attitude to have I think. like you said, regardless of how things go you still worked up the nerve to ask. Nothing ventured and all, right?
    Thanks! I'm hoping for the best. Worst case scenario, she's only interested in being friends, which is still great.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    : THOG NOW SCHRÖDINGER's ORC!
    Quote Originally Posted by skim172 View Post
    If you ever see Hitler riding a T-Rex in your direction - you, my friend, are a very unlucky person.
    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    "Ooh. Did you bring a biology textbook with you? No? Sorry, nothing personal." And then I dissect them.

  12. - Top - End - #192
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by lacco36 View Post
    For the record, I'll ask you in a year if you decide to dump him (and proceed with the idea). And you'll owe me a chocolate if you meet someone
    Honestly, if in a year I've managed to be happy in a good relationship, you get the best chocolate I can find. I suggest shaving it onto fresh strawberries and adding Devonshire cream.

    However, what I meant is... there is a huge difference between "I don't usually meet people, but if I happen to meet someone who works for me I'll give it a try" and "I don't usually meet people, so I am fine with ignoring the possible romance to wait for Mr. Imperfect to finally slither to me".
    Umm, no, I mean I haven't had a conversation with anyone I didn't already know since . . . probably Christmas? With the exception of one friend-of-a-friend who's now part of my tiny social circle.

    And yeah, widening your social circle would be one of suggested steps if possible.
    Alternately, I could write more books.

    Good for you! At least you know what you don't want in a relationship!
    No, I mean he already found and broke up with another girl since me, and I'm still having trouble with this decision.

    Yes, I'm completely disgusted with myself, why do you ask?

    Relationships usually fail for some reasons. It's a very small probability that the reason goes away just by "getting older". Also: review the reasons why the relationship failed. Can any of these be solved just by adding time? Realistically?
    Actually, there's a reasonable chance for one or two, and even my common sense agrees with that.

    Or would you need a full overhaul of your/his character for it to work?
    Maybe? I honestly doubt it.

    Well, I meant how it feels when you actually spend these few years. For no result.
    How many years? Three, maybe? While constantly feeling pathetic and ashamed? (No, no it was not the same guy, I'm not quite that unable to look after myself.)

    One more thing. I'll put it into spoilers, because it's somewhat... blunt and direct. And I will also most probably sound like a hole of a donkey
    A little bit like. Then again, you said all the things I'd say to my best friend if she were in my place.

  13. - Top - End - #193
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    AssassinGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    Honestly, if in a year I've managed to be happy in a good relationship, you get the best chocolate I can find. I suggest shaving it onto fresh strawberries and adding Devonshire cream.
    I have no problem with a bet . However, no idea where to get Devonshire cream

    However, my assumptions are:
    - the "time limit" starts once you hit the "I'm not against new relationship but I'm fine with being single",
    - you have to work towards the goal, not against it,
    - you have to start meeting new people.

    Agreed?

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    Umm, no, I mean I haven't had a conversation with anyone I didn't already know since . . . probably Christmas? With the exception of one friend-of-a-friend who's now part of my tiny social circle.
    Umm... so, you don't meet new people but you met new friend-of-a-friend?

    Should I ask what are the reasons? Or should I leave at the fact that you actually meet new people, just rather rarely?

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    Alternately, I could write more books.
    I have found out that my biggest bursts of creativity come at two times: when there's nothing else to do to amuse myself, and when I'm having rather powerful unhappy feelings.

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    No, I mean he already found and broke up with another girl since me, and I'm still having trouble with this decision.
    It's hard to decide to stay alone.

    But you forget: you are not alone. Just single.

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    Yes, I'm completely disgusted with myself, why do you ask?
    One thing my sister always does (I'm not a big fan of this, but she's a woman and she deals with things differently than I do) is... don't be disgusted with yourself. Be disgusted with him - he's the one who's pulling you through this mud, if he were such a great catch, he wouldn't do this to you and he would be up front.

    Become disgusted with him. It might help.

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    Actually, there's a reasonable chance for one or two, and even my common sense agrees with that.
    That's actually nice!

    Let's take a look at the wider picture: One or two out of...? And will the others - the ones that stay - still make the relationship so unbearable that we'll have the same discussion later?

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    Maybe? I honestly doubt it.
    Ok, so why did you break up? Don't answer me. Just answer yourself - if you are compatible, what happened?

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    How many years? Three, maybe? While constantly feeling pathetic and ashamed? (No, no it was not the same guy, I'm not quite that unable to look after myself.)
    It was three years for me too.

    And let me tell you - it was worth it. The three years. Because I now remember that time - and when I was again placed in unhappy relationship, I ended it. Just for the reason that it's not worth waiting for someone who does not want to work on the relationship - or be in it. Because someone else might be much better match - and will stay and work through the bad times.

    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    A little bit like. Then again, you said all the things I'd say to my best friend if she were in my place.
    Apologies.

    But yes, I would do that for a friend of mine anytime.
    Call me Laco or Ladislav (if you need to be formal). Yes, that is my name. Feel free to use it.
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  14. - Top - End - #194
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    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    *deleted for reasons, apologies
    Last edited by Thrawn4; 2017-08-14 at 01:41 AM.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    I feel sort of like this was partially to prove to myself that I really am back to the confident, assertive person I used to be before I became an anxious wreck
    So much for that... I forgot how badly I deal with communication that isn't face-to-face (or at least voice, if nothing else). The second I sent her that first message yesterday I instantly thought 'she's definitely never going to respond to this'. It's been less than 24 hours and she did say she'd be busy this week but I'm already convinced I'm never going to get a reply and I shouldn't have bothered. I don't know why talking and taking risks is so easy for me face-to-face only for me to just fall to pieces at the drop of a dime when it comes to sending and waiting for messages. It's frustrating but I can't seem to help but expect things aren't going to go right when it comes to this sort of thing.

    Bah. Damn neuroses. And damn things that validate those neuroses. I sure hope I'm wrong, but I'd just about wager money right now I'm never going to hear back and I find myself wondering if I did something wrong or if I failed to take some hint. Should I at least wait as long as I waited between getting her phone number and sending the message before skipping to doom and gloom?
    Last edited by Comrade; 2017-08-15 at 06:53 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    : THOG NOW SCHRÖDINGER's ORC!
    Quote Originally Posted by skim172 View Post
    If you ever see Hitler riding a T-Rex in your direction - you, my friend, are a very unlucky person.
    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    "Ooh. Did you bring a biology textbook with you? No? Sorry, nothing personal." And then I dissect them.

  16. - Top - End - #196
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    I don't know why talking and taking risks is so easy for me face-to-face only for me to just fall to pieces at the drop of a dime when it comes to sending and waiting for messages.
    An idea comes to mind...
    You really want me to spell it out?
    Play to your strengths and avoid doing the things that send you in a nervous spiral.
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  17. - Top - End - #197
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    An idea comes to mind...
    You really want me to spell it out?
    Play to your strengths and avoid doing the things that send you in a nervous spiral.
    I'd like to, but I feel like I need to get over this weird text-based anxiety. Even if, well, it feels less like anxiety and more like a keening awareness of reality. And anyway, people these days seem to prefer texting over calling (which I'm vastly more comfortable with) by leaps and bounds.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    : THOG NOW SCHRÖDINGER's ORC!
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    "Ooh. Did you bring a biology textbook with you? No? Sorry, nothing personal." And then I dissect them.

  18. - Top - End - #198
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    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    I'd like to, but I feel like I need to get over this weird text-based anxiety. Even if, well, it feels less like anxiety and more like a keening awareness of reality. And anyway, people these days seem to prefer texting over calling (which I'm vastly more comfortable with) by leaps and bounds.
    What people prefer really doesn't factor into it. You're the one communicating and reaching out, so the choice in how to do that is yours. If people ignore you for it, they're not the right kind of people. If they accept your calls/conversations but reply by text, that doesn't matter, because your issue is wIth people ignoring or dismissing your texts, not the other way around. If they make a point of insisting in communicating only by text or asking why you insist in using other means, you might as well take the chance to explain your apprehension/anxiety issue.If they see your point and accommodate for your choice of communication you'll know they're genuinely interested or at least nice people.If they don't, then we go back to them not really being worth your efforts on account of being out of step with you. Move on.
    You're looking for a potential partner, not just a pal to hang out with. You should feel comfortable enough with them to open up about this. If you're not...well.. you get my point.
    Yes, it would be better to break this pattern of anxiety, but until you do, you might as well learn to work around it
    Last edited by dehro; 2017-08-16 at 11:30 AM.
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  19. - Top - End - #199
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Yeah, I think you're right. Supposing I don't get a response to that text message in a couple days' time, is this particular situation salvageable? Should I give her a call or something, or would that just be pushy or failing to take the hint?
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    : THOG NOW SCHRÖDINGER's ORC!
    Quote Originally Posted by skim172 View Post
    If you ever see Hitler riding a T-Rex in your direction - you, my friend, are a very unlucky person.
    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    "Ooh. Did you bring a biology textbook with you? No? Sorry, nothing personal." And then I dissect them.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    Yeah, I think you're right. Supposing I don't get a response to that text message in a couple days' time, is this particular situation salvageable? Should I give her a call or something, or would that just be pushy or failing to take the hint?
    Definitely try calling since you've already texted once. I generally try the call once if no answer wait til either couple hours later or the next day and try again. If that second call there's no answer, leave a voicemail and then the ball is in the other person's court. I wouldn't try to keep communicating with basically a stranger after that.

  21. - Top - End - #201
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Welp.

    I guess this is serious now, with Mr. Canuckistan. I'm sorta nervous, sorta not. My nervousness probably just stems from my fear of judgement from others, like, oooh, she's just going long distance again.
    All I want is darkness right now
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  22. - Top - End - #202
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    What Chen said.
    Huzza! for Linkele, for drawing the bestest avatar ever!
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  23. - Top - End - #203
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Well, gave her a call, left a voicemail, got nothin'. Guess that's the end of that brief and uneventful episode.

    Can't lie, hurts a bit. And I'm kind of annoyed-- not at her, she's certainly under no obligation to answer or anything, just in general. I feel like even when I do nothing wrong, when every sign appears to be favourable, to say nothing of receiving an affirmative answer to the initial 'Hey, want to go out sometime?', somehow things still end up awry. It's hard to stave off those thoughts of 'Why even bother?' when it seems like things just don't go right no matter what. Heck, somehow I just knew the second I sent that first text message that it didn't matter that she'd said yes, I definitely wasn't going to hear back.

    Lo and behold. Oh well. (Just to add insult to injury, I was meant to make plans with another person I met in the same class, purely on a friend basis, and he never actually hit me up either.)
    Last edited by Comrade; 2017-08-20 at 06:26 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    : THOG NOW SCHRÖDINGER's ORC!
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    If you ever see Hitler riding a T-Rex in your direction - you, my friend, are a very unlucky person.
    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    "Ooh. Did you bring a biology textbook with you? No? Sorry, nothing personal." And then I dissect them.

  24. - Top - End - #204
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    I'm starting to think that you're being foiled by a lack of the ability to emphatically understand what's being said to you, combined with poor planning on your part.
    Could it be that you're not very good at distinguishing between when somebody says "sure, let's get in touch about hanging out... " and "sure, let's get in touch about hanging out!"?
    The first case would be someone who doesn't want to say no to your face and will just never get back to you instead, skirting the obligation, whereas the second one actually means it.
    The poor planning bit on your end would be that your reply should close the deal instead... something along the lines of "actually, let's decide right now the logistics of our meet up/date", pre-emptively skipping the need and barrier of a further bureaucratic call.
    If they can't give you a definitive answer, the quality of their reply/reasons/excuses will tell you whether they are making excuses because they had no intention of hanging out in the first place or not.
    Last edited by dehro; 2017-08-21 at 04:45 AM.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    I didn't think so. In the latter case, at least, I'm pretty sure it wasn't a case of that, since the day after I gave him my contact info he approached while I was speaking with somebody else to confirm that he'd be hitting me up soon. Doesn't seem like something you'd do if you only assented to hanging out to let somebody down easy with no plans of getting in contact.

    In the case of the girl, I did think that maybe she'd just felt pressured to say yes, although it didn't seem to me like she was reluctant or anything-- not saying she was jumping for joy or anything, but I think I'd have been able to tell if it was clear she just didn't want to decline then and there. I definitely should have worked out the details then and there instead of offering to just make plans later. When she said 'sure, when?', I should've suggested a specific date instead of 'Whatever works for you, I'm pretty open now that the quarter's out'. But it wasn't so apparent that she was just trying to get rid of me so she didn't have to say no to my face that I knew it wasn't going to happen until after I sent that first message.

    Either way, now I feel like kind of an idiot for the time I spent talking myself into asking her, or the time I spent all happy that she'd said yes, or the time I spent feeling nervous and realising she wasn't going to answer. And given I'm almost certainly never going to see her again, there's no room for any sense of closure. Even if you're right and I'm even more socially maladjusted than I thought and she'd just been letting me down easy, it'd be nice to actually hear that instead of just being shrugged off like nothing.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    : THOG NOW SCHRÖDINGER's ORC!
    Quote Originally Posted by skim172 View Post
    If you ever see Hitler riding a T-Rex in your direction - you, my friend, are a very unlucky person.
    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    "Ooh. Did you bring a biology textbook with you? No? Sorry, nothing personal." And then I dissect them.

  26. - Top - End - #206
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    Either way, now I feel like kind of an idiot for the time I spent talking myself into asking her, or the time I spent all happy that she'd said yes, or the time I spent feeling nervous and realising she wasn't going to answer. And given I'm almost certainly never going to see her again, there's no room for any sense of closure. Even if you're right and I'm even more socially maladjusted than I thought and she'd just been letting me down easy, it'd be nice to actually hear that instead of just being shrugged off like nothing.
    Lots of people say something just to be polite and avoid seeing that they've upset someone. Plenty more will have vaguely good intentions, but not really be particularly arsed about followtrough. That's just something that happens. People can be easily sidetracked, and often just lazy.

    (Also, if you don't mind me asking. You mention being trans. Do you generally present publicly as male or female? If the former, your experience is incredibly typical. Taking a deep breath and realizing that you're not uniquely messed up can help you stop beating yourself up for being a somehow defective human being.)

  27. - Top - End - #207
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Anymage View Post
    Lots of people say something just to be polite and avoid seeing that they've upset someone. Plenty more will have vaguely good intentions, but not really be particularly arsed about followtrough. That's just something that happens. People can be easily sidetracked, and often just lazy.

    (Also, if you don't mind me asking. You mention being trans. Do you generally present publicly as male or female? If the former, your experience is incredibly typical. Taking a deep breath and realizing that you're not uniquely messed up can help you stop beating yourself up for being a somehow defective human being.)
    It's the former, yeah. And logically I realise it's probably not that uncommon for people to 'ghost' on others, it's just kind of a blow to the self-esteem considering how much I'd been improving on that front these last few months. But mainly, it's because it feels like a validation of the anxiety I get over never hearing back from people and the pessimistic voice in my head that says even if I feel like I've done everything right, things are still going to go wrong somehow. I'm not sure it's even a self-esteem thing because I did think that if the date actually happened, it'd go well and I'd make a good impression. But I was convinced it wouldn't get to that point, and well, lo and behold.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    : THOG NOW SCHRÖDINGER's ORC!
    Quote Originally Posted by skim172 View Post
    If you ever see Hitler riding a T-Rex in your direction - you, my friend, are a very unlucky person.
    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    "Ooh. Did you bring a biology textbook with you? No? Sorry, nothing personal." And then I dissect them.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    It's honestly an odd feeling to realise that I've not been this happy in a relationship since 2011-2012. I've had good relationships with good moods and all, but... the genuine happiness I feel is something I realise I've missed for the past few years. At the same time it's an incredible feeling, yet I feel sort of guilty for not feeling the same level of joy in my "in-between" relationships. Makes me question why I didn't enjoy those relationships as much from a really negative perspective.
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  29. - Top - End - #209
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    That makes me think of depression and anxiety, I must admit. Could either of those have been a factor?
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Saw this and I think it's good and relevant:

    "The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock at the door."

    I want more Strong female characters.

    "In place of a Dark Lord, you would have a queen! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Treacherous as the sea! Stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me, and despair!"

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