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  1. - Top - End - #211
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    So, minor rant.

    There's a girl I know, sorta. Met on a dating site, added her on Snapchat, all well and good.

    I've sent her something like three messages in the past couple months-nothing that seems (to me) ridiculous, always waiting a few weeks before sending another message (usually in response to something on her Snapchat story) and along the lines of a joke or something. Just friendly-like.

    They've all gone unread. So, whatever, she's not interested. Except, today on her story...

    "All I want is a relationship."

    And I'm just thinking "You've given me NO CHANCE whatsoever! You've ignored every single message-you have not even READ THEM. If you were willing to give people a chance, maybe you wouldn't be single!"

    I'm not saying I'm some amazing catch or anything, but I like to think I'm a nice guy, and that, even if we weren't to hit it off romantically, she could be a nice new friend. But just... I dunno. She seems kinda... Not sure what word is right, but you get my drift, I suppose.

    Anyway, that's all for my rant. I have NOT read the thread up till this point, so *offers hugs* for everyone who needs them, and while I wouldn't be surprised to hear people are worse off, I sincerely hope that this minor "Ugh, whatever" is the worst thing happening right now.
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  2. - Top - End - #212
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    No one is owed a chance in terms of dating. After your initial meeting or discussion she may simply have decided she wasn't interested. I think continuing to send messages after the first was ignored probably just cemented that in her mind. Remove this person from Snapchat and move on, it's actually a little creepy to continue to send messages (even just a few) after months of intentional no response.

  3. - Top - End - #213
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    My suspicion is honestly that she decided she wasn't honestly interested at around the time she added you on snapchat (which she may well have done just to be polite).
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    No one is owed a chance in terms of dating. After your initial meeting or discussion she may simply have decided she wasn't interested. I think continuing to send messages after the first was ignored probably just cemented that in her mind. Remove this person from Snapchat and move on, it's actually a little creepy to continue to send messages (even just a few) after months of intentional no response.
    Pretty much. It's natural to feel disappointed and maybe even a little slighted, but it's pretty apparent she just wasn't interested, and she can't exactly be faulted for that. Best to just delete/remove her and forget about it.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    agreed. move on
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  6. - Top - End - #216
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Good advice. I'm just a little peeved that she never read ANY of the messages.

    Judging by the responses, I'm guessing that wasn't clear. It was not "We met up, had a good chat, and then she stopped talking."

    It was "I sent her a message, she never read it."

    That being said, yeah, probably should remove her from Snapchat.

    Edit: Did the removing.
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  7. - Top - End - #217
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by JNAProductions View Post
    Good advice. I'm just a little peeved that she never read ANY of the messages.

    Judging by the responses, I'm guessing that wasn't clear. It was not "We met up, had a good chat, and then she stopped talking."

    It was "I sent her a message, she never read it."

    That being said, yeah, probably should remove her from Snapchat.

    Edit: Did the removing.
    If there was never any back and forth at all, then ignoring the messages is DEFINITELY a "I'm not interested". I presume there was SOME link to your dating profile so presumably she had enough info to make that decision, at least in her mind.

  8. - Top - End - #218
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    If there was never any back and forth at all, then ignoring the messages is DEFINITELY a "I'm not interested". I presume there was SOME link to your dating profile so presumably she had enough info to make that decision, at least in her mind.
    Yeah. I'm just confused why she bothered to add me, if that's the case.

    It just was a set of mixed signals, I guess? On the one hand, she added me, on the other, she never bothered to answer.

    For me personally, I like to have some form of closure, if you know what I mean. I'd rather hear "Sorry, I'm not interested," from someone than just silence.

    But regardless, it's in the past now.
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  9. - Top - End - #219
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by JNAProductions View Post
    They've all gone unread. So, whatever, she's not interested. Except, today on her story...

    "All I want is a relationship."

    And I'm just thinking "You've given me NO CHANCE whatsoever! You've ignored every single message-you have not even READ THEM. If you were willing to give people a chance, maybe you wouldn't be single!"
    You've got to read between the lines. When anyone says "all I want is a relationship", what it really means is "all I want is a relationship with someone who meets all or most of my criteria".

    Someone can have tons of suitors, and at the same time be legitimately complaining about their inability to find someone. The apparent contradiction vanishes as soon as you add the implicit bit.
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  10. - Top - End - #220
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Also if she's that poor a communicator, you probably dodged a bullet anyways.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Chen View Post
    No one is owed a chance in terms of dating. After your initial meeting or discussion she may simply have decided she wasn't interested. I think continuing to send messages after the first was ignored probably just cemented that in her mind. Remove this person from Snapchat and move on, it's actually a little creepy to continue to send messages (even just a few) after months of intentional no response.
    The problem with that is electronic communication mediums are not perfect. And messages can slip through the gaps. One of the longest running conversations I've ever had on a dating site, (Admittedly it was a friendly/platonic conversation because she was heavy into certain BDSM things that give me the creeps.) was someone who didn't initially respond, because they missed the message.

    Though yes, several messages DOES reduce the likelyhood of this. Personally I will generally send a second message if the first wasn't read. If that is also not read, I decide that they're either not interested or have too much interest already focused on them. A lady who has too many suitors to start with won't spend a lot of time on any one of them.
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  12. - Top - End - #222
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by lio45 View Post
    You've got to read between the lines. When anyone says "all I want is a relationship", what it really means is "all I want is a relationship with someone who meets all or most of my criteria".

    Someone can have tons of suitors, and at the same time be legitimately complaining about their inability to find someone. The apparent contradiction vanishes as soon as you add the implicit bit.
    This is the best explanation for this phenomenon (which - from my experience - is a bit more prevalent in our female population, even though I noticed several of my male friends did such fishing too).

    Another explanation: "all I want is a relationship" could have been meant for someone specific on the snapchat, who is ignoring her suggestions to join a relationship with her. A passive-aggressive remark to "hook" the specific person, both showing them willingness to find a relationship and potential interest from the other participants - some people crave competition. Ideally while providing healthy boost to one's ego via people showing their interest...

    ...if that is the case (it's just a working hypothesis), hands off. Really, nobody needs too much drama in their life.

    Also, I'm not familiar with snapchat - so I'll offer some general advice. As Chen stated, no one is owned a chance in dating - and "forcing" the issue, however gently it is done, will only make a male seem desperate. And desperation belongs to the few things every healthy woman dislikes. Now I'm not saying you are desperate - but in her eyes, sending multiple messages may send up red flags.

    Another thing to consider: wasting time on people who don't even consider it worthy to read a message. Find someone who will be willing to invest time in you. I'd also suggest going offline and trying to make contact in RL, but I was told once this was not a good advice .

    All in all, good luck - and watch out for your future significant other
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    I've been refraining from posting this because, until we started talking about the general phenomenon, it would have seemed like a directed insult at JNA, which wasn't my intention:

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by LeSwordfish View Post
    I've been refraining from posting this because, until we started talking about the general phenomenon, it would have seemed like a directed insult at JNA, which wasn't my intention:

    Yeah, little offended at that. I'd like to think I'm an Italian sausage on the ground, thank you very much. :P

    In all seriousness, my main gripe with the situation was that, as far as I can tell, I was never given a chance.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by JNAProductions View Post
    In all seriousness, my main gripe with the situation was that, as far as I can tell, I was never given a chance.
    Perhaps its the way you keep saying that, but why would anyone take a chance that you're somehow better suited to them, than is indicated by your profile and/or behavior?

    Consider, if someone rejects you or simply doesn't answer a message you sent (assuming a dating site here) they've made a determination based on your profile and/or message that they aren't interested in you. Why would someone look past the current indicators and reply/go on a date, just on the chance that you're more than is being indicated by your profile?

    Phrasing it as "never being given a chance" tends to come off as entitled to that chance.

  16. - Top - End - #226
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by JNAProductions View Post
    In all seriousness, my main gripe with the situation was that, as far as I can tell, I was never given a chance.
    Chen is right: you met her on a dating site, so she had access to your profile, that is "your chance" right there.

    Absolutely every guy on this planet will get a less-than-100% reply rate to his outgoing messages on a dating site; "this one didn't even reply! how dare she!" isn't, frankly, anything worth mentioning, even though I'm the kind of person who, like you, tends to prefer closure, generally. But that's how things are, so better just get used to it.

    It's normal, and as guys what constitutes having "our chance" is the ability to send messages combined with the existence of our profile.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by JNAProductions View Post
    Yeah, little offended at that. I'd like to think I'm an Italian sausage on the ground, thank you very much. :P

    In all seriousness, my main gripe with the situation was that, as far as I can tell, I was never given a chance.
    I also agree with the previous comments.
    Maybe she didn't like your choice of nickname, your looks, your fashion sense, something you said on your profile, the tone or content of your text. Maybe she didn't particularly dislike anything but you simply didn't stand out to her amidst dozens of similar people. Maybe she just isn't into people with your colour of hair. Then why bother adding you on snapchat? I don't use it but I gather that approval ratings and "status" go by the numbers?
    Then again, maybe it's your activity (or lack thereof) on snapchat to have turned her off.
    Those were all "chances to impress her favourably" that you had and that didn't work out for you. It sucks for you that you'll never know which one of these things blew your chances, but really, she doesn't owe you an explanation, much less a bigger chance than the ones she gave you interacting with you at all.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Great, I've got a crush on one of my Internet friends. I don't even know what she looks like or if she likes girls, but I enjoy chatting with her a lot and she's really nice and comforting and she puts up with me spamming memes and fanfic at her.

    Also this is like the second romantic crush I've ever had so yeah.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by GrayGriffin View Post
    Great, I've got a crush on one of my Internet friends. I don't even know what she looks like or if she likes girls, but I enjoy chatting with her a lot and she's really nice and comforting and she puts up with me spamming memes and fanfic at her.

    Also this is like the second romantic crush I've ever had so yeah.
    I have no advice for this, but I have hopes and good wishes, all of which are being sent your way

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  20. - Top - End - #230
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by GrayGriffin View Post
    Great, I've got a crush on one of my Internet friends. I don't even know what she looks like or if she likes girls, but I enjoy chatting with her a lot and she's really nice and comforting and she puts up with me spamming memes and fanfic at her.

    Also this is like the second romantic crush I've ever had so yeah.
    Unless she is deliberately keeps her sexual preference secret, I don't think it would be difficult to find out what it is from her without revealing how you feel. You could raise in the context of discussing some of your fanfic which has a lesbian scene in it, or ask her if she finds some girl celebrity that you like hot.

    Also, you should suggest exchanging photos because you don't even know if she is hot or not yet.

  21. - Top - End - #231
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by GrayGriffin View Post
    Great, I've got a crush on one of my Internet friends. I don't even know what she looks like or if she likes girls, but I enjoy chatting with her a lot and she's really nice and comforting and she puts up with me spamming memes and fanfic at her.

    Also this is like the second romantic crush I've ever had so yeah.
    Are you sure it's a crush? As far as I can tell, you enjoy that person's company, sure, but do you know how far it go beyond that...?

    All things considered, you might want to continue with the same casual attitude for the time being, to make sure you don't risk altering the "relationship" you two have, and wait for things to become more clear.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by GrayGriffin View Post
    Great, I've got a crush on one of my Internet friends. I don't even know what she looks like or if she likes girls, but I enjoy chatting with her a lot and she's really nice and comforting and she puts up with me spamming memes and fanfic at her.

    Also this is like the second romantic crush I've ever had so yeah.
    What do you want? Would you like to see her to learn whether there is a physical attraction, too? Would you like to have an (if possible) mutually acknowledged crush so you can get to mushy romantic stuff? Do you want a clear answer so you can avoid obsessing about the maybes and what ifs? Would you like to just enjoy the nice crush feelings silently for now?

    All of these are viable options, though some depend on her reaction. So the question is, what would you like to have happen?
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    I do kind of want her to reciprocate my feelings, and I also kind of want to know what she looks like because crushing on someone you don't know the looks of is kind of weird. But since it's something I've recently realized I feel I'd be better off just trying to enjoy the feelings of a crush for now and just continue talking to her like I usually do.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Hello again friends! I've been lurking in the background, but please accept all of my hugs in place of my silence.

    I'm in trouble again, and I would like some advice. C - my girlfriend of almost 4 years - and I are considering taking a step back. Not a break up, but rather just taking some personal space. You might remember I was posting on here a little over a month ago, expressing some doubts in my relationship with C. Now those doubts have surfaced in a very real way, and we're seriously talking about our future.

    Here's the thing: neither of us wants to actually break up. At all. We've been dating since early in college, neither of us has ever dated anyone outside of our relationship in any real, adult capacity. After my flirting with another girl V this summer, I ended up telling C and she didn't take it well. However, it turned into an actually productive conversation about what it would look like if we were to take a break. Both of us have come to the conclusion independently at several different points in our relationship that it might be healthy for us to see what life is like outside of our partnership. We've discussed a series of possible contingencies and caveats if we did take a break (likely for about six weeks only, longer if it suits us).

    Now my question for all of you: would we be making a horrible mistake, doing this? Does anyone have any experience doing anything like this?
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by 3SecondCultist View Post
    Now my question for all of you: would we be making a horrible mistake, doing this? Does anyone have any experience doing anything like this?
    I took a break with my very first adult gf after two years for exactly the same reason as you (didn't like the idea that I would never get to know anything else than this relationship until dying of old age, and suspected I actually didn't really love her as much as would be normal). In the end, we never got back together, though we're still friends. She now lives on the other side of the world.

    I also took a break with my 5th gf, after about a year, for different reasons, and this time we ended getting back together. It's been three years now.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    If you want to go on break, go on break, and this naturally leads to a breakup as it does in 99% of cases, then this was the correct decision.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Not really looking for advice here, more wanting to vent and get some support.

    About three weeks ago I was browsing redding, bored, and stumbled on a guy's picture. It was a picture of him shirtless, and I thought he looked really good. I sent him a PM telling him so. He thanked me and said he'd be happy to provide more pictures. We exchanged pictures, first PG then not. We also exchanged emails and phone numbers. We talked most of the day every day for a week, about all sorts of things. He mentioned he had a long-term girlfriend but that she was fine with it all, which was fine by me.
    Then he stopped responding to my messages. I gave it a week or so, then sent him a text asking if everything was okay. Still no reply, so I figured he ghosted me (which was weird because he was very enthusiastic up till then) and moved on.

    Last night, at midnight his time, I get a phone call from him. Well, from his phone. I pick up, and it's his girlfriend, asking if I've been talking to him. My first thought was that something had happened to him and she couldn't reach him either, and I was pretty worried. I told her I hadn't talked to him recently (although I guess it depends on your definition of recently). She broke down and said she could tell something was wrong, and then started choking up and asked me not to contact him again. I agreed of course. She asked where we met and I answered. I said I thought they were in an open relationship, that she was fine with it, she said that no, it wasn't the case, and asked me again not to contact him anymore. Then we hung up. It was a very short call, but it had dramatic effects on me.

    I had moved on, thinking he had lost interest, and sure it was a shame but oh well. Maybe I would have contacted him again at some point down the line, maybe not. But now I just look back at everything in a new light. Did he think she was okay with it, but then realise she wasn't? Did he lie about it in the first place? It doesn't really matter. It seems obvious now that he stopped all contact because he realised what he did wasn't okay. I wish he had sent me a short message. "My GF isn't actually fine with this, we need to stop" or something. I would have left him alone, or gone back to strictly PG (I think we could have still had a strong friendship if none of this had happened).

    For whatever reason, he did not. And his GF found my number and called me. I don't think she read my messages, because she didn't seem to know where we met or where I lived, and we mentioned both. I don't know if she saw my pictures, but honestly, if she did I feel worse about how betrayed she must have felt than about the fact that she saw me naked.
    The fact that she called at midnight also makes me wonder. It's an odd time to place a call. Maybe they were fighting, or maybe she got a hold of his phone while he was asleep. Either way, when she hung up I couldn't stop thinking about what must be going on on their end.

    I can't contact him anymore, and I'll never know what happens. And it's driving me kind of crazy. I never wanted to hurt their relationship. We were "just" talking and sending each other pictures, but I guess for her it wasn't a "just". I worry about the part I played it in all. I know he lied and he shouldn't have, but I'm the one who went after him, I'm the one who escalated it, I was always the one to take an extra step first. I feel like I led him the wrong way and that he probably would have never dreamed of cheating on his girlfriend if I hadn't shown of and led him astray. Maybe that's why he cut all contacts instead of telling me what happened. Maybe I was a bad influence on him.

    I know this all situation is worst for her, and worse for him, but I've been crying and feeling terrible. I feel so guilty, and there is nothing I can do to help. And I feel a sense of loss, too, because I was getting close to this guy and I would have been happy to have a platonic friendship with him, but now it's not an option, and it sucks. I wish I could tell her that he didn't pursue me, and that he stopped on his own after a week. That if she suspected something after such a short amount of time, he's obviously lousy at keeping secrets from her and she shouldn't let this make her paranoid and stop trusting him. But I don't think any of it would mean anything coming from me, plus I have no way of contacting her. She called me from his phone, not hers, and I can't contact him. And even though I know his full name and address, I don't even know her first name. I wouldn't contact her anyway, even if I did. I'm clear-minded enough to know that would make everything worse.

    She didn't even blame me at all. She was so nice. I wish I could have helped her feel better. I only caused her hurt and grief and she sounds like a really nice person. I just feel ****ty about the whole thing and I wanted to let it all off my chest.
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  28. - Top - End - #238
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    DwarfFighterGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Lissou View Post
    Not really looking for advice here, more wanting to vent and get some support.

    <SNIP>
    Wow. That's a whole situation you have right there, eh?

    One question - did he explicitly say he was in an open relationship, or just that his girlfriend was "fine with it"? If just that, then yeah, you probably should have gone for explicit confirmation, but that's neither here nor there.

    In any case, you were operating in good faith. Even if you failed to ask one question, that doesn't change that. You had been assured that everything was good, and had no reason to question his word.

    It's a sad situation, but the blame does not lie with you.
    You went after him? Nobody is guilty for flirting, especially when they don't know the situation yet.
    You escalated things? You said yourself he was an enthusiastic part of this process.
    You were a bad influence? Unless you're a child, this is no excuse. Nobody was forcing anyone to do anything they didn't want to do.

    I won't say he was a bad guy, either. Maybe he misunderstood his girlfriend's wishes. Maybe his relationship was already falling apart, and he was desperate for some contact. You may never know.

    But whatever the backstory, he chose to do this, and he chose to lie about it. You did not.

    This is most definitely not your fault. And you'll get through it. Vent all you need.

  29. - Top - End - #239
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    Lissou's Avatar

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by ve4grm View Post
    One question - did he explicitly say he was in an open relationship, or just that his girlfriend was "fine with it"? If just that, then yeah, you probably should have gone for explicit confirmation, but that's neither here nor there.
    He didn't say "open relationship" but he said "we're both free to see other people". We weren't really "seeing" each other though, except in the literal sense.

    Thanks for your input :)
    Check out my webcomic, The Meddlers!

  30. - Top - End - #240
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    DwarfFighterGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Lissou View Post
    He didn't say "open relationship" but he said "we're both free to see other people". We weren't really "seeing" each other though, except in the literal sense.

    Thanks for your input :)
    Close enough! You were acting in full good faith, then.

    I hope you can find your peace with this in time. Don't let it dissuade you from other flirting or anything. Just call it a lesson to be more cautious.

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