Page 9 of 19 FirstFirst 123456789101112131415161718 ... LastLast
Results 241 to 270 of 542
  1. - Top - End - #241
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Cozzer's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Location
    Italy
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Lissou, you're a victim in this situation. You didn't cause the guy's GF hurt and grief, the guy caused both of you hurt and grief. You didn't hurt their relationship, he hurt his own relationship. You escalated things and took extra steps, sure, but you did that because you had already cleared with him that he was available.

    (Option 2, less likely but not impossible: the GF had actually agreed to an open relationship but didn't really mean it, or found out later that she wasn't actually OK with it, and freaked out when he actually put it into practice. In which case, you and the guy are victims of the GF's lies/mistakes. Either way, you're still squarely on the "victim" side of the equation).

    So yeah, it's normal that you feel bad about it because it's a ****ty situation to have found yourself in, but you are not guilty in the slightest. Of that, at least, you can be 100% sure.
    Last edited by Cozzer; 2017-09-29 at 10:37 AM.

  2. - Top - End - #242
    Bugbear in the Playground
    Join Date
    Jun 2007

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Meh, I'm not sure I can wholly agree with that; it's delicate business when you're actively courting someone who you know is already in a committed relationship. Lissou knows that as well. (Even moreso now.)

    I think the best way forward for you (Lissou) is to draw at least a bit of a lesson from the guilt you understandably feel. Can't change the past, but given that you've been in open relationships for years and obviously intend to continue like that in the long term, it might be a good idea to be more careful in the future.

    From now on, I would suggest doing a bit of extra probing through the escalation phase, along the lines of "are you really really sure your gf is okay with this?" "oh, so what does she think of me?" "hmm, ok, so you didn't tell her much about me yet, I see..." "what did she say when you told her about me?" just to gauge how true it is that his gf's okay. So in the end, your guilt over what you did this time will make you a slightly more sensitive and careful person (not that you weren't already, but there's always room for improvement). That's generally the right thing to do when feeling guilty - take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again, and move on.
    Offer good while supplies last. Two to a customer. Each item sold separately. Batteries not included. Mileage may vary. All sales are final. Allow six weeks for delivery. Some items not available. Some assembly required. Some restrictions may apply. All entries become our property. Employees not eligible. Entry fees not refundable. Local restrictions apply. Void where prohibited. Except in Indiana.

  3. - Top - End - #243
    Dwarf in the Playground
    Join Date
    Jul 2017

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by lio45 View Post
    From now on, I would suggest doing a bit of extra probing through the escalation phase, along the lines of "are you really really sure your gf is okay with this?" "oh, so what does she think of me?" "hmm, ok, so you didn't tell her much about me yet, I see..." "what did she say when you told her about me?" just to gauge how true it is that his gf's okay. So in the end, your guilt over what you did this time will make you a slightly more sensitive and careful person (not that you weren't already, but there's always room for improvement). That's generally the right thing to do when feeling guilty - take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again, and move on.
    If things had progressed several steps further (they had met in person and had started getting at least a little bit serious), meeting the SO is SOP for that sort of situations. When you're just sexting, it's trivially easy to lie. There are a couple of weasel words you learn to look out for with experience, but at the end of the day there's little you can do if they're not being straight with you.

  4. - Top - End - #244
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    dehro's Avatar

    Join Date
    May 2007
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    yeah... I would just go with the assumption that most people who tell you over the internet that they are in an open relationship or otherwise have their SO's approval to flirt/engage/otherwise get intimate with others, are most likely lying tou you, themselves, their partners or any combination of the above, unless they early on provide clear and verifiable opportunity for you to get in touch with said SO and get their side of the deal.
    Even then they may be overextending the boundaries, either in good faith or not.
    Now, it's entirely up to each of us to decide whether we care about that or we're just looking for a bit of fun, online or otherwise, and aren't actually invested or concened about potential fallout. You clearly feel both duped and responsible for any damage caused to his partner.
    You were not responsible for his actions or for his reactions. He had ample opportunity to stop things from escalating or to come clean about his true situation and stop you. He was probably more interested in getting your pictures and his rocks off, so that's on him, not you.
    As said by others, learn from it and use caution in the future, as you move on. Don't let it stop you from interacting with interesting people.
    Huzza! for Linkele, for drawing the bestest avatar ever!
    Quote Originally Posted by LaZodiac View Post
    Lincoln's a fartbutt
    Quote Originally Posted by kpenguin View Post
    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
    Spoiler: siggatar and previous avatars.
    Show

    the Badass Monkby Avi. Aktarus by Chd. Dehro by Wojiz


  5. - Top - End - #245
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Lissou's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Oregon

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Thanks everyone for your comments and advice :)

    If the situation had progressed and we had decided to meet in person, I definitely would have wanted to meet or otherwise chat with his girlfriend before anything happened (which I did tell him). As it was, I didn't think to, but in the future I will probably try to make sure everything is more out in the open. I will ask more questions about the relationships, what informations are shared, if we could all chat together to make sure we're on the same page, etc.

    In the end, I guess it doesn't matter if he lied to me or if there was a miscommunication between them at some point. A chat between the three of us would have cleared things up. I think you guys are right that there is no point thinking too much about how and why past things have happened, but I'll definitely be even more straightforward about these things. People who are actually in open relationships should appreciate the transparency and ease of everything being on the table from the get go, even if nothing goes anywhere.

    I'm starting to feel a bit better and move past the whole thing. It's a shame it happened but it's their problem now and all I can do is do my best to avoid finding myself in these situations as much as possible. And yeah, a cheater can always cheat, ask a friend to pretend to be his girlfriend and tell me it's okay or whatever, but then there will be no ambiguity about the guy's intent. And I need to have some trust, otherwise relationships, even friendships, aren't realistic.
    Check out my webcomic, The Meddlers!

  6. - Top - End - #246
    Troll in the Playground
     
    druid91's Avatar

    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Lemuria
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    So, this is somewhat out of the blue and mostly related to another thread that JNAproductions put up... But is also fairly broad enough that I feel more comfortable posting it here.

    My number one advice for dating. For basically anyone, do not frontload attachment. This is perhaps an odd way to put it so I'll try to explain. A good relationship should grow. It should, Metaphorically, be like two houses slowly built into one over many years of additions. Each step towards union a small one, until finally you have a single house with a storied history between the two owners.

    Frontloading attachment is the opposite of this. Rather than slowly building towards something over time, you open up with this prospect of attachment. Which is about as attractive as the idea of having a stranger suddenly build and live in a new wing of your house that you can't lock shut. It was something I didn't get for a while in high school and even afterwards, because the whole point of dating was to become girlfriend/boyfriend, and eventually get married or whatever. And it's not just the "Hey do you want to go date" either. It's the mental steps that lead up to that. You observe the person, decide you like them, perhaps fantasize about going out with them. All the while, you're building up the commitment to them without having ever involved them in any but the most tangential of ways.

    It's a recipe for failure, don't.
    Spoiler
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by AvatarZero View Post
    I like the "hobo" in there.
    "Hey, you just got 10000gp! You going to buy a fully staffed mansion or something?"
    "Nah, I'll upgrade my +2 sword to a +3 sword and sleep in my cloak."

    Non est salvatori salvator, neque defensori dominus, nec pater nec mater, nihil supernum.

    Torumekian knight Avatar by Licoot.

    Note to self: Never get involved in an ethics thread again...Especially if I'm defending the empire.

  7. - Top - End - #247
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    GrayGriffin's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by GrayGriffin View Post
    I do kind of want her to reciprocate my feelings, and I also kind of want to know what she looks like because crushing on someone you don't know the looks of is kind of weird. But since it's something I've recently realized I feel I'd be better off just trying to enjoy the feelings of a crush for now and just continue talking to her like I usually do.
    So I've invited her to one of my more casual group chats where we occasionally discuss more personal stuff in hopes of getting to know her better. She's accepted but god that was nervewracking.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant View Post
    Also, as a rule of thumb, if you find yourself defending your inalienable right to make someone else feel like garbage, you're on the wrong side of the argument.
    Currently playing as Atalanta/Artemis in Arcran's Pocket Monsters Online! (OOC|IC)

  8. - Top - End - #248
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Lizardfolk

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Possibly weird question, but how do you starting dating people? I am currently 28, I have some girlfriends in highschool and the early part of college but I just kind of stopped. I haven't asked anyone out in years, and while I had one friendship turn into a flingy thing for a few months even that was two years ago.

    I have friends who suggest online dating, but I never feel the desire to message someone and have a difficult time envisioning myself doing so. Anytime I think about a relationship I feel a kind of depressed anxiety that has been there for a long time, and so if the opportunity appears I just shrug and do something else. I worry that I'm going to go through the rest of my life like this, having done so for 7 years, and that idea bothers me but doesn't help me to feel desire for a relationship or ease my anxiety about starting one.

    Anyone ever gone through something similar? How did you overcome it/have you learned to live with it?

    TLDR: Haven't done the dating thing in a long time, never feel any real desire to try but I am worried that I am missing out on something in life.
    Last edited by Tvtyrant; 2017-10-03 at 11:27 PM.

  9. - Top - End - #249
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Comrade's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    South of Heaven

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Didn't quite make it to twenty eight, but I was almost twenty one before I ever felt any urge to start dating, so maybe our cases are similar. Probably worth noting that there's not really anything wrong with not being interested in dating-- I'm given to understand some people just never feel much compunction to bother with dating or romance, so you wouldn't be the only such person. But you did feel an interest in dating at some point in the past, didn't you? You mentioned having been in relationships, albeit ones that sound on the casual side.

    In my case, I didn't really develop an interest in dating and relationships until I sort of just wandered into my first relationship, and after the conclusion of that one I found I was suddenly looking forward to the next. Not very applicable advice, I know. Online dating is one route, but it probably isn't a good idea to force yourself to try and take an interest in people if that interest just isn't there. Have you felt any particular attraction to anybody (besides immediate physical attraction) in the time interval you've mentioned?
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    : THOG NOW SCHRÖDINGER's ORC!
    Quote Originally Posted by skim172 View Post
    If you ever see Hitler riding a T-Rex in your direction - you, my friend, are a very unlucky person.
    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    "Ooh. Did you bring a biology textbook with you? No? Sorry, nothing personal." And then I dissect them.

  10. - Top - End - #250
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Lizardfolk

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    I feel like I was pretty typical as a teenager. I had two girlfriends in highschool, one that I dated for a year after a "will they won't they" year before (then got dumped on prom ) I dated a friend of my older sister after that, then went off to college and never had anything serious.

    I remember what crushes and romantic feelings felt like from that period, but with the exception of one office crush and my friend mentioned earlier I haven't really felt that way since.
    Now if everyone could please "Sig" something along the lines of "Gosh 2D8HP, you are so very correct (and also good looking)", I think that would be good progress.

  11. - Top - End - #251
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    dehro's Avatar

    Join Date
    May 2007
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Put yourself in a position where you're more likely to encounter people you might develop an interest in. Online is one such place.
    Do things and activities that are explicitly geared towards meeting people who are also looking for a date/partner/hook up.
    Double dates, blind date, ok Cupid, speed dating, singles night at your favourite pub/club/social event... find a wingman. Once you're clearly out there and looking, you're bound to find a few interesting prospects and, depending on the nature of your existing relationship or the environment you met her in, you can take it from there. I too am an advocate for online dating sites, on account of how I found my SO on there, it allowed me to introduce myself fully and honestly, and to play to my strengths (I'm no good at quick wit or sparkling displays of personality, but I know how to turn a phase and get my message across, eventually...and the internet allows for just that).
    Also, I really came out of my shell in my late twenties and only scored my current, and really only, long term relationship in my mid thirties, so you are by no means too late nor have you missed your chances.
    Last edited by dehro; 2017-10-04 at 04:29 AM.
    Huzza! for Linkele, for drawing the bestest avatar ever!
    Quote Originally Posted by LaZodiac View Post
    Lincoln's a fartbutt
    Quote Originally Posted by kpenguin View Post
    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
    Spoiler: siggatar and previous avatars.
    Show

    the Badass Monkby Avi. Aktarus by Chd. Dehro by Wojiz


  12. - Top - End - #252
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Lizardfolk

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    Put yourself in a position where you're more likely to encounter people you might develop an interest in. Online is one such place.
    Do things and activities that are explicitly geared towards meeting people who are also looking for a date/partner/hook up.
    Double dates, blind date, ok Cupid, speed dating, singles night at your favourite pub/club/social event... find a wingman. Once you're clearly out there and looking, you're bound to find a few interesting prospects and, depending on the nature of your existing relationship or the environment you met her in, you can take it from there. I too am an advocate for online dating sites, on account of how I found my SO on there, it allowed me to introduce myself fully and honestly, and to play to my strengths (I'm no good at quick wit or sparkling displays of personality, but I know how to turn a phase and get my message across, eventually...and the internet allows for just that).
    Also, I really came out of my shell in my late twenties and only scored my current, and really only, long term relationship in my mid thirties, so you are by no means too late nor have you missed your chances.
    Seems like sound advice. Is there a good way to practice introducing yourself to b people? It has always been one of my worst skills, despite being quite good at public speaking.
    Now if everyone could please "Sig" something along the lines of "Gosh 2D8HP, you are so very correct (and also good looking)", I think that would be good progress.

  13. - Top - End - #253
    Troll in the Playground
     
    georgie_leech's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Calgary, AB
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    Seems like sound advice. Is there a good way to practice introducing yourself to b people? It has always been one of my worst skills, despite being quite good at public speaking.
    How do you practice for public speaking?
    Quote Originally Posted by Grod_The_Giant View Post
    We should try to make that a thing; I think it might help civility. Hey, GitP, let's try to make this a thing: when you're arguing optimization strategies, RAW-logic, and similar such things that you'd never actually use in a game, tag your post [THEORETICAL] and/or use green text
    Quote Originally Posted by Lvl 2 Expert View Post
    So a ranger is like a Bachelor of Applied Druidology.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kid Jake View Post
    What's the word for 'fear of being eaten by a mounted bear in half-plate' again? Because that's the one I have.

  14. - Top - End - #254
    Dwarf in the Playground
    Join Date
    Jul 2017

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Depends on your goals and your skillset.

    Meeting people by volunteering, joining a club, or other activity/community is a good way to meet people to round out your social circle. Having more female friends can be handy in its own right. For getting a better sense of how girls operate, having networking opportunities, and to have female people to bounce ideas off of.

    If you just want to put up a profile and start messaging people, the ideal first move would be to make a fake female profile around your age and area. (Not having pictures is allowed and even encouraged. You don't want to show up in other people's searches. You just want to easily view what other guys around your area and age are like.) Get a sense of both some clever ideas you can steal, as well as what ideas make you roll your eyes after seeing them used for the kajillionth time. In gaming terms, what you come in with isn't so exciting if you don't know the meta.

  15. - Top - End - #255
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Lizardfolk

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by georgie_leech View Post
    How do you practice for public speaking?
    I was in drama and speech and debate in high school, did plays and Worlds format in college. So in both cases I had a team to work with, and for academic speeches I tied people up made family members hear the speech.

    @anymage okay, that seems reasonable. Are hiking clubs a thing?
    Now if everyone could please "Sig" something along the lines of "Gosh 2D8HP, you are so very correct (and also good looking)", I think that would be good progress.

  16. - Top - End - #256
    Troll in the Playground
     
    georgie_leech's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Calgary, AB
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    I was in drama and speech and debate in high school, did plays and Worlds format in college. So in both cases I had a team to work with, and for academic speeches I tied people up made family members hear the speech.
    So jokes aside, you would practice until it sounds natural, yes? There's a couple ways you can go about that now besides the obvious "go out and do it" method. You can practice in front of a mirror until it sounds natural, or ask captives family or friends to hear your introduction. You're looking for comfort and/or confidence, not necessarily that rehearsed feeling that speeches can get.

    This is all about gettimg comfortable with the intro itself, which I've used to be less awkward when people approach me. In terms of comfort with approaching people first... well, let me know if you find a way, because I haven't figured out how to practice that outside of the real thing either.
    Last edited by georgie_leech; 2017-10-05 at 11:17 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Grod_The_Giant View Post
    We should try to make that a thing; I think it might help civility. Hey, GitP, let's try to make this a thing: when you're arguing optimization strategies, RAW-logic, and similar such things that you'd never actually use in a game, tag your post [THEORETICAL] and/or use green text
    Quote Originally Posted by Lvl 2 Expert View Post
    So a ranger is like a Bachelor of Applied Druidology.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kid Jake View Post
    What's the word for 'fear of being eaten by a mounted bear in half-plate' again? Because that's the one I have.

  17. - Top - End - #257
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    DwarfFighterGuy

    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    @anymage okay, that seems reasonable. Are hiking clubs a thing?
    I mean, it depends where you are of course, but hiking clubs are DEFINITELY a thing.

    Also running clubs, birding clubs, camera clubs, and other clubs that can be tangentially related to hiking.

    Joining a club and volunteering would be my two main recommendations, too. Just don't go into them with the expectation to date. Go in with the intent to meet new friends, and see where that takes you.

    EDIT: Also adding, there's nothing wrong with being uninterested in dating or romance. Don't feel like there's something wrong with you. Lots of people are similar, and it isn't a necessary part of life. All these steps are just to open you up to situations where you might meet someone who sparks your interest again. But if you don't, that's cool too!
    Last edited by ve4grm; 2017-10-06 at 09:00 AM.

  18. - Top - End - #258
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    dehro's Avatar

    Join Date
    May 2007
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    Seems like sound advice. Is there a good way to practice introducing yourself to b people? It has always been one of my worst skills, despite being quite good at public speaking.
    There are tons of situations, events and activities where you are actually expected to introduce yourself. Find such situations and give it a go. If you happen to know what the formality of introduction looks like beforehand, you can always put a twist to it.. (say you're given a nametag.. you can either go with the Inigo Montoya quote, or with a "ask me about.. " or or with something silly.. or you can walk around with a giant nametag, just to stand out..
    if it's a form, give it your own twist.. if it's a matter of sitting down/standing up, do just that.. look people in the face when you greet them, smile, shake hands firmly but not too much.. and if something silly happens or is said that you fear makes you look incompetent or weird or inappropriate, just laugh it off and request a do-over.. "you know what? that came out wrong.. let's take it from the top/start over".. "yeah.. no, I can't live down missing a high-five like that. Do-over?" "I promise I'm not a weirdo.. let's do this again".. or.. you know.. just move on. Plenty of people to get to know in the world.
    So you came over too strong or too broody, or you faded too much in the background. Take note and do better the next time. That's all there is to it, really.
    Just don't let failure stop you.
    Figure out one or two phrases and either use a handshake, hug, or the passing of a drink, whatever is appropriate to the social context to complement your words.
    If the situation allows for it, have a third party introduce you (ask them beforehand if that's the case) and then take over the conversation.
    Alternatively, don't introduce yourself but rather start talking through a pertinent question about whatever topic is at hand or activity you're taking part in.
    "do you know your way around this trail/track? Hey, I like insertrelevantthing* too.. where did you find yours/have you seen the new...? oh.. by the way, my name is..."
    Huzza! for Linkele, for drawing the bestest avatar ever!
    Quote Originally Posted by LaZodiac View Post
    Lincoln's a fartbutt
    Quote Originally Posted by kpenguin View Post
    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
    Spoiler: siggatar and previous avatars.
    Show

    the Badass Monkby Avi. Aktarus by Chd. Dehro by Wojiz


  19. - Top - End - #259
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    FinnLassie's Avatar

    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Savo

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Sigh. I'm ready for a relationship, but seems like the other part never is. slightly considering signing up for a christian online service, but I need a cool down period before that...
    All I want is darkness right now
    ~Extended Signature~


  20. - Top - End - #260
    Dwarf in the Playground
    Join Date
    Jul 2017

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by FinnLassie View Post
    Sigh. I'm ready for a relationship, but seems like the other part never is. slightly considering signing up for a christian online service, but I need a cool down period before that...
    Is this the long distance crush? Because while those can be fun for a bit, their nature does tend to complicate things greatly if they start to transition to anything other than casual short term. (Which there's a lot to be said for something low pressure and enjoyable in the moment. Just be aware that it's not going to be forever.)

    Which is ironic given that, IME, the best relationships do involve just being friends (albeit dating, flirty, romantic goon friends - someone still has to make active moves) until you realize that hey, you've been acting like a couple forever and might as well make it official.

    I will say that, from my perspective in the states, the biggest Christian dating service has the drawback of being a pay service. Those tend to skew the nature of the experience.

  21. - Top - End - #261
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Comrade's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    South of Heaven

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by FinnLassie View Post
    Sigh. I'm ready for a relationship, but seems like the other part never is.
    For what little it's worth, you ain't the only one.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay R View Post
    : THOG NOW SCHRÖDINGER's ORC!
    Quote Originally Posted by skim172 View Post
    If you ever see Hitler riding a T-Rex in your direction - you, my friend, are a very unlucky person.
    Quote Originally Posted by noparlpf View Post
    "Ooh. Did you bring a biology textbook with you? No? Sorry, nothing personal." And then I dissect them.

  22. - Top - End - #262
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    DwarfFighterGuy

    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by FinnLassie View Post
    Sigh. I'm ready for a relationship, but seems like the other part never is. slightly considering signing up for a christian online service, but I need a cool down period before that...
    Quote Originally Posted by Anymage View Post
    I will say that, from my perspective in the states, the biggest Christian dating service has the drawback of being a pay service. Those tend to skew the nature of the experience.
    If/when you do, I encourage you to try other services as well, even if they're not specifically Christian. It can be good to put yourself out in different places, to catch the eye of different people. You can always add your faith to your profile on the free sites, after all. Just say it's important to you if it is.

    (There's a good possibility that someone who shares your faith, but isn't concerned about their partner sharing theirs, won't be on the specifically Christian site.)

    Best of luck!
    Last edited by ve4grm; 2017-10-06 at 12:59 PM.

  23. - Top - End - #263
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    FinnLassie's Avatar

    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Savo

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Anymage View Post
    Is this the long distance crush? Because while those can be fun for a bit, their nature does tend to complicate things greatly if they start to transition to anything other than casual short term. (Which there's a lot to be said for something low pressure and enjoyable in the moment. Just be aware that it's not going to be forever.)

    Which is ironic given that, IME, the best relationships do involve just being friends (albeit dating, flirty, romantic goon friends - someone still has to make active moves) until you realize that hey, you've been acting like a couple forever and might as well make it official.

    I will say that, from my perspective in the states, the biggest Christian dating service has the drawback of being a pay service. Those tend to skew the nature of the experience.
    Yeeah, it was more than a crush, and he had already started planning to come over when suddenly he decided to announce that he's not ready. It hurt a lot, especially the words "I know I'm throwing away something amazing...". We were friends for some time before it turned how it did.

    I'm feeling a bit messed up, hence I'm gonna have a cool down period. Unlike in the past, I've decided that it's just not good for me to grumble and mumble about relationship woes for too long, and just somehow move on by getting occupied with anything else. Right now it's podcasts and my thesis.

    The one I'm looking at is 1,50€ a month, so nothing that'll shuffle and break my finances. But I'm gonna wait til new years to get onto that. And, well, in December there's a weekend event for young adult Christians so eh ya never know. A lot of relationships stem from events like those. lol.

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    For what little it's worth, you ain't the only one.
    Yeah. It's frustrating.

    Quote Originally Posted by ve4grm View Post
    If/when you do, I encourage you to try other services as well, even if they're not specifically Christian. It can be good to put yourself out in different places, to catch the eye of different people. You can always add your faith to your profile on the free sites, after all. Just say it's important to you if it is.

    (There's a good possibility that someone who shares your faith, but isn't concerned about their partner sharing theirs, won't be on the specifically Christian site.)

    Best of luck!
    My longest relationship (close to 1,5 years) started on OKCupid, and he was Christian. I already have experience of what it was like on there, and it's a very narrow field. I'm not willing to expand my search internationally when it comes to online dating through a service.

    Thanks.
    All I want is darkness right now
    ~Extended Signature~


  24. - Top - End - #264
    Dwarf in the Playground
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Location
    Regrettably not Hogwarts
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by ve4grm View Post
    If/when you do, I encourage you to try other services as well, even if they're not specifically Christian. It can be good to put yourself out in different places, to catch the eye of different people. You can always add your faith to your profile on the free sites, after all. Just say it's important to you if it is.

    (There's a good possibility that someone who shares your faith, but isn't concerned about their partner sharing theirs, won't be on the specifically Christian site.)

    Best of luck!
    Hmm, perhaps my uncle's advice is appropriate here: if you want someone who shares your interests, go do something related to your interests. If you want someone who shares your faith, go do something related to your faith. It's a good idea in and of itself, and you never know - maybe there will be nice guys doing the same activity.

    I have no idea if this is helpful or not; I've never really wanted a relationship for its own sake (more felt drawn to a particular person) so I've never tried it.

  25. - Top - End - #265
    Bugbear in the Playground
    Join Date
    Jun 2007

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    @anymage okay, that seems reasonable. Are hiking clubs a thing?
    Absolutely! And hiking is an especially appropriate activity for that, if like me you live in an outdoorsy region. It's a great way to chat, and after a day of hiking the members of the group will usually have the next activity planned, usually the next hiking day but sometimes something else as well.

    The only "club" style group that I can say DID work well to meet new girls and eventually get on dates with them was a hiking one, for me. I'm not promising it will be the same for everyone else, but for me it worked really well. You meet people in a perfectly stress-free context (there's no reason to say no when invited to a group hike), and you get to know them well while exercising and getting fresh air, and at the end of the day the group usually stops for a nice meal somewhere.
    Offer good while supplies last. Two to a customer. Each item sold separately. Batteries not included. Mileage may vary. All sales are final. Allow six weeks for delivery. Some items not available. Some assembly required. Some restrictions may apply. All entries become our property. Employees not eligible. Entry fees not refundable. Local restrictions apply. Void where prohibited. Except in Indiana.

  26. - Top - End - #266
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    OldWizardGuy

    Join Date
    Aug 2010

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    Seems like sound advice. Is there a good way to practice introducing yourself to b people? It has always been one of my worst skills, despite being quite good at public speaking.
    "Hi, how's it going?"

    I literally used to just walk around a mall or whatever, and would smile and say hi to people. I learned that, hey, most people will actually respond in a friendly way. And in that context, where I expected nothing, it was great because I had nothing on the line, and if someone was a jerk to me for saying hi, that said more about them than me.

    But it's a good idea to make yourself presentable and not creepy-looking when doing this. (Not saying you're creepy looking, I have no idea what you look like).

    For actually meeting people, the "do things you like" advice is of course excellent. I've done online dating in the past, and I find the best tactic for that is to ask people out for coffee - low key, low commitment. And see how it goes from there!
    Last edited by kyoryu; 2017-10-09 at 11:51 AM.
    "Gosh 2D8HP, you are so very correct (and also good looking)"

  27. - Top - End - #267
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Lizardfolk

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by kyoryu View Post

    But it's a good idea to make yourself presentable and not creepy-looking when doing this. (Not saying you're creepy looking, I have no idea what you look
    Like a bear. Bears are cute right?

    So here is one that holds me back, it feels dishonest to ask out someone that I don't feel romantically attracted to, but romantic attraction only comes from knowing someone. Do you just ask people out and hope to become attracted to them by date three?
    Now if everyone could please "Sig" something along the lines of "Gosh 2D8HP, you are so very correct (and also good looking)", I think that would be good progress.

  28. - Top - End - #268
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Thistletop
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    Like a bear. Bears are cute right?

    So here is one that holds me back, it feels dishonest to ask out someone that I don't feel romantically attracted to, but romantic attraction only comes from knowing someone. Do you just ask people out and hope to become attracted to them by date three?
    Do I wanna **** 'em? Do they seem at all interesting?

    Then I'll see if we click through further interaction on dates instead of being a putz and doing the weak sauce move of "befriending someone" in order to find out if I'll get romantically interested in them.
    Quote Originally Posted by Keld Denar View Post
    +3 Girlfriend is totally unoptimized. You are better off with a +1 Keen Witty girlfriend and then appling Greater Magic Make-up to increase her enhancement bonus.
    Homebrew
    To Do: Reboot and finish Riptide

  29. - Top - End - #269
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Lizardfolk

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    Do I wanna **** 'em? Do they seem at all interesting?

    Then I'll see if we click through further interaction on dates instead of being a putz and doing the weak sauce move of "befriending someone" in order to find out if I'll get romantically interested in them.
    Okay, but was air quoting something no one actually more productive than just saying yes?

    Edit: I mean that it feels like you are quoting me nut talking to someone else.

    As I said up thread, I haven't done online dating before or much dating in years and I am looking for pointers.

    Edit 2: This also doesn't help me much because I don't tend to want to have sex with someone unless I am romantically interested in them.
    Last edited by Tvtyrant; 2017-10-09 at 01:16 PM.
    Now if everyone could please "Sig" something along the lines of "Gosh 2D8HP, you are so very correct (and also good looking)", I think that would be good progress.

  30. - Top - End - #270
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    NecromancerGuy

    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Thistletop
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    Okay, but was air quoting something no one actually more productive than just saying yes?

    Edit: I mean that it feels like you are quoting me nut talking to someone else.

    As I said up thread, I haven't done online dating before or much dating in years and I am looking for pointers.
    Unless you're dating your bestfriend for years after you've both mutually fallen in love, you don't start out in love with someone, that's why you date them, to see what you think after you get to know them and spend time with them in a dedicated context.

    So this whole concern about "Oh, what should I do if I'm not already head over heels for someone?" bit is missing the point of what dating is and the purpose it serves. As is thinking that getting to know someone and seeing what's what is hoping for romantic attraction to turn out to be the case. That's... got the wrong emphasis, anyway, in terms of causal order of things.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    Edit 2: This also doesn't help me much because I don't tend to want to have sex with someone unless I am romantically interested in them.
    Do you at least have something of a better idea of how it normally works?

    If you're a demisexual, then obviously you have different issues and concerns, since just thinking someone is attractive doesn't work for you for anything, really, and you work on such geologically slow timescales that the majority of people who aren't on the asexual spectrum will get bored or self-conscious about the lack of sexual attraction and either move on or get neurotic.

    Unless you, get romantically interested in people really quickly after you start investigating the subject.
    Last edited by Coidzor; 2017-10-09 at 01:22 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Keld Denar View Post
    +3 Girlfriend is totally unoptimized. You are better off with a +1 Keen Witty girlfriend and then appling Greater Magic Make-up to increase her enhancement bonus.
    Homebrew
    To Do: Reboot and finish Riptide

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •